Tag Archives: bachelorette fantasy league

May 28 2015
1 Comment
Episode Recaps: Season 11

Season 11, Episode 2: Highlight Reel

Think of this as the SportsCenter Top 10, only sluttier. Here is Season 11, Episode 2’s highlight reel:

  1. When we briefly glimpsed what it’d be like to live in ancient Rome and attend gladiator games (if the gladiators wore pastels, loafers, and rope-like statement necklaces).
  2. The underwater photo shoot. Stop trying to make underwater photo shoots happen. They’re not going to happen. underwater-photos-of-dogs-seth-casteel-1
  3. The pure existence of Amy Schumer.
  4. When Amy Schumer had JJ pegged within three minutes of meeting him: “JJ is a great guy. He just lacks charisma, humility, and a sense of humor.” Can she be on all the shows? Let’s overthrow Chris Harrison.
  5. The men performed “stand-up comedy.” That’s really all you need to know.They gave it the ol’ college try, though Tony took a detour through the universe and used his five minutes to wax poetic about the meaning of comedy in the larger context of his life. Classic knee-slapper material.
  6. The prank the boys played on Justin, sending him out to the driveway to check for the mysterious “knocking” noise.Well played, gentlemen. More pranks.
  7. When JJ revealed himself as an early villain by being the first man at the rose ceremony to pull Kaitlyn aside DESPITE him already having a rose and DESPITE the fact the entire mansion agreed that men with roses would defer to those without. They even spit and shook on it. JJ ruffled Tony the Healer’s chakras —and Tony seems like the type of dude who’d find you in another lifetime (whether you’re reincarnated humans or donkeys) and claim you had some negative energy to sort out between the two of you.
  8. Kupah fumbled his way through a conversation to tell Kaitlyn he didn’t know if they had a connection, but also make a case for why he should get a rose? It was the conversational equivalent of this:giphy

Just imagine him yelling: “But you’re pretty and hot and sexy!” as his shoes fly off, and it’s the same.

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May 26 2015
12 Comments
Points: Season 11

Season 11, Episode 2: Points

Cliffhangers are a dang thorn in our behinds. We prefer to tie up each episode neatly with a rose ceremony. ABC has other plans. Next week’s episode will likely have two rose ceremonies.

Some important housekeeping, before we get to points:

  • In Episode 1, I mistakenly awarded 5 points for “mentioning his kid” to Ryan B., who has yet to father any offspring (to the best of our/his knowledge). Those 5 points should’ve gone to Justin. Please update in your spreadsheet accordingly. Mea culpa.

The wildcard points for last night’s episode went to JJ, who Amy Schumer delightfully raked over the coals. (P.S. we announce the upcoming wildcard points category every Sunday/Monday on Twitter.)

  • Ben H.: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Ben Z.: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Chris: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Clint: 55 points (stat correction) 
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Corey: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Cory: 0 points
  • Daniel: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Ian: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jared: 55 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Needing medical attention (20 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette gift: a note (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • JJ: 110 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Mentioning a previous wife (10 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Wildcard points: first person to get made fun of by Amy Schumer (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
    • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
  • Joe: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jonathan: 10 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Joshua: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Justin: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Kupah: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Ryan B.: 0 points
  • Shawn B.: 0 points
  • Tanner: 15 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Tony: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)

Question of the week: What in tarnation is going on with Britt and Brady? Is it a calculated move to prolong her time in the spotlight? Would she have “gone steady” with WHOEVER knocked on her hotel room door? Give us your take in the comments.

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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May 20 2015
27 Comments
Points: Season 11

Season 11, Episode 1: Points

Well, well, well. It’s gonna be #TeamKaitlyn for season 11 of “The Bachelorette.” If you selected Kaitlyn to be the next Bachelorette, good eye. Please award yourself an additional 50 points.

From the looks of the season preview, I stand by what we wrote on Twitter last night:

Screen Shot 2015-05-19 at 9.15.06 PM

Wildcard points were awarded to Tony and Brady, respectively. You’ll see them below, incorporated within the rest of the points. How are your teams doing so far?

  • Ben H.: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ben Z.: 35 points
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Bradley: 0 points
  • Brady: 50 points
    • Wildcard points: first one to express a preference for one of the Bachelorettes (20 points)
    • Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
  • Chris: 35 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Clint: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: drawing of Chris Harrison (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Corey: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Cory: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Daniel: 30 points
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • David: 5 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Ian: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jared: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • JJ: 40 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: a hockey puck (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Joe: 30 points (stat correction)
    • Gives the Bachelorette a gift: moonshine (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jonathan: 35 points 
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Josh: 35 points
    • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Joshua: 35 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: steel rose (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Justin: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: balloons (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Kupah: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ryan B.: 25 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ryan M.: 20 points
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Shawn B.: 50 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: note from nephew (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points)
  • Shawn E.: 5 points
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Tanner: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Gives the Bachelorette a gift: tissues (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Tony: 50 points
    • Wildcard points: first one to express discontent that his Bachelorette was not chosen (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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May 15 2015
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Episode Recaps: Season 11, Points: Season 11

Researching Your Picks: A Guide to Drafting Your “Bachelorette” Season 11 Fantasy Team

ABC waited until the 11th hour to post these cast bios. You know there’s one lone summer intern running around and pressing buttons in the control room.

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Here’s our insider guide to who we think you should draft for your Bachelorette fantasy league teams, based strictly on their online bios. Bear with us. This year’s crop of contestants is like a kindergarten classroom where everyone shares three names, so the entire roster is First Name Last Initial.

Ben H. | age: 26 |software salesman | Denver, CO

Choice line from his bio: On marriage: “It is a total sacrifice.” He sounds ready for this.

We need to hear more about: What he’s got planned for that “quiet place in the woods,” because it sounds like the ideal location for a murder. If a Bachelorette gets murdered in the woods, and Chris Harrison isn’t there to remind them to say their goodbyes, did it even happen?

Draftability: 8/10

Ben Z. | age:26 | Fitness Coach | San Jose, CA

Choice line from his bio: He’d have lunch with his mom because he’d “take any extra second he can get with her.” It sounds like there is a sad story behind that answer. I’m sure he won’t choose to tell it at an opportune moment for maximum Emotional Connection to Bae.

We need to hear more about: why he openly refers to himself as “calculated.” That’s not a good thing, brah.

Draftability: 7/10

Bradley | age: 25 | International Auto Shipper | Atlanta, GA

Choice line from his bio: Bradley wants to be Tom Brady so he can play in an NFL game and “then go home to Gisele.” Like, fine, samesies, but maybe don’t tell that to your potential future girlfriend. Suspended 4 dates for putting his foot in his mouth.

We need to hear more about: Just how serious his sarcasm skillz are. He’s talking big game, but we’ll be the judges here.

Draftability: 8/10

Brady | age: 33 | Singer-Songwriter | Nashville, TN

Choice line from his bio: He’s jealous AF of pre-divorce Gwyneth Paltrow. Listen to the dude wax poetic about Chris Martin, the person he admires most in the world for his “creativity, humility, charisma, and wit.”

We need to hear more about: why he looks like Jimmy Fallon’s Nickelback-loving little brother.

Draftability: 2/10

Chris | age: 28 | Dentist | Nashville, TN

Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear is that the girl “tries to eat his food.” Brady and I share this fear. I get it, man. L’eggo my E’ggo.

We need to hear more about: Obviously how he ended up on national TV in his underwear. Was it accidental? Did he lose a bet? Was he participating in some sort of televised amateur stripping competition? I really hope it’s that last one.

Draftability: 4/10. Idk, he seems kind of vanilla.

Clint | age: 27 | Architectural Engineer | Chicago, IL

Choice line from his bio: For a day, he’d want to be “Chuck Norris, for obvious reasons.” Um, 2007 called. It wants its meme back. (Also, while you have 2007 on the phone, please tell it to prevent Britney from staging her comeback at the VMAs.)

We need to hear more about: his word vomit. He’s afraid of saying too much on a date. Once you pop, the fun don’t stop.

Draftability: 3/10

Corey | age: 30 | Investment Banker | New York City, NY

Choice line from his bio: The investment banker admires “everyone who truly does what they love everyday.” Dang, that’s a thinly veiled cry for help. Corey, you didn’t have to go on the Bachelorette just to get out of investment banking.

We need to hear more about: his superpower. Again, it’s revealing. Corey wants “the ability to do everything I wanted without needing sleep or losing my health and fitness.” Corey. Babe. You don’t have to work 110 hours a week anymore. You made it to the Bachelorette ranch. Go have a margarita with Chris Harrison.

Draftability: 4/10

Cory | age: 35 | Residential Developer | Pearland, TX

Choice line from his bio: Cory’s afraid of finding out his date “is really a dude.” Really? that’s the WORST thing that could happen to you?

We need to hear more about: Why he would waste the opportunity to be anyone else in the world, on being someone he already was. Cory would choose to be “his younger self” for a day. Cool.

Draftability: 5/10

Daniel | age: 28 | Fashion Designer | Nashville, TN

Choice line from his bio: The best present he’s ever received is “support and love.” That’s nice. And definitely a lie.

We need to hear more about: This off-brand Shia LaBeouf’s career as a fashion designer. Does he get inspo from his doppleganger? TBD.

Shia-Labeouf-Dancing-Russian-Style-on-The-Set-Of-a-Movie-Wearing-Purple-Pants

Draftability: 4/10

David | age: 26 | Real Estate Agent | Orlando, FL

Choice line from his bio: Eh. Slim pickins. He may be that rarest of Bachelor contestants—a normal civilian. Which means he’ll be packing his bag in about two weeks.

We need to hear more about: his crazy exes. I hope his “biggest fear: bumping into an ex who makes a scene” is juicy foreshadowing.

Draftability: 5/10

Ian | age: 28 | Executive Recruiter | Los Angeles, CA

Choice line from his bio: Ian’s biggest date fear is a girl who “can’t hold a conversation.” Luckily, ABC gives everyone on this show a script that just repeats the words “journey, incredible, scared, and rest of my life” in varying combinations. It’s like a maddening verbal factorial.

We need to hear more about: the “romantic” clock he made. I’m no diva, but I don’t know how I feel about getting a clock, handmade or not, for Valentine’s Day. Actually, I do know. I don’t want it. Chocolates, por favor.

Draftability: 7/10

Jared | age: 26 | Restaurant Manager | Warwick, RI

Choice line from his bio: He “doesn’t really have any” date fears. I respect that.

We need to hear more about: Whether he is going to turn into a werewolf at the next full moon. Idk, he just has that face.

Draftability: As a human: 6/10, as a werewolf: 6/10

JJ | age: 32 | Former Investment Banker | Denver, CO

Choice line from his bio: See how much happier he is now that he’s a former investment banker? JJ is future-Corey. Chilling out in Denver, toking every day, prank calling his former coworkers on Wall Street.

We need to hear more about: His apparent gambling addiction?

Draftability: 8/10

Joe | age: 28 | Insurance Agent | Columbia, KY

Choice line from his bio: He’d have lunch with his “grandmother who just passed away this last December. Just because I miss her.” That’s some sweet shit right there. I just got a cavity.

We need to hear more about: his five-year plan. “I’m a man that takes life one day at a time” is the statement of someone who has no idea what he’s doing at 6 p.m., let alone next week or next year.

Draftability: 7/10.

Jonathan | age: 33 | Automotive Spokesman | Detroit, Michigan

Choice line from his bio: None. I’m bored.

We need to hear more about: his actual job. Being an “automotive spokesman” in Detroit is like saying you’re on the board of tourism for Pyongyang, North Korea. Pics or it didn’t happen.

Draftability: 5/10

Josh | age: 27 | Law Student/Exotic Dancer | Chicago, Illinois

Choice line from his bio: If he could have lunch with anyone in the entire world, he picks HIMSELF twenty years from now. Good lawd. There’s enjoying your own company and then there’s Josh, self-appointed Most Interesting Man in the Room.

We need to hear more about: Sorry for burying the lede. EXOTIC. DANCER. Hell fucking yeah, ABC, now we’re cooking with gas.

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Draftability: 3/10

Joshua | age: 31 | Industrial Welder | Kuna, ID

Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear? “My mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow.” That’s either a) something that happened to him once in junior high or b) an actual fear because he lives with his mom.

We need to hear more about: his job. It sounds lumbersexual as hell. (Pssst, hey boi, I’ve got something for you to weld…)

Draftability: 9/10

Justin | age: 28 | Fitness Trainer | Naperville, IL

Choice line from his bio:If our boy Justin here could be someone else for a day (reminder: the parameters are ANYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE PHYSICAL UNIVERSE), he chooses: “Someone from a less privileged area or country. It would be an eye-opening/humbling experience.” To Justin, anyone outside the bubble of Naperville, Illinois is less privileged. Also, you can have that experience literally any day of any week. It’s called volunteering.

We need to hear more about: His business. He wants to own a training company that uses trainers to train other…trainers? I don’t know.

say crack again

Draftability: 5/10

Kupah | age: 32 | Entrepreneur | Boston, MA

Choice line from his bio: When asked what marriage means to him, Kupah rattled off a string of incoherent words he’s read on Dove chocolate wrappers over the years. “FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER. Team, companion, friend. Mates, support, trust, balanced.” I think this answer was translated from English to Japanese, then back to English again.

We need to hear more about: the origin of that name. I hope his friends and family call him Supah Dupah Wicked Pissah Kupah in a raging Boston accent.

Draftability: 3/10

Ryan B. | age: 32 | Realtor| Wellington, FL

Choice line from his bio: He “meant to send a pic to [his] girlfriend and accidentally tweeted it.” DICK PIC FTW.

We need to hear more about: Definitely NOT the time he rode his bike from Florida to California to rescue a dog. That’s just poor logistical planning, and you know even the rescue dog was like, “Ugh, really? Florida?”

Draftability: 6/10

Ryan M. | age: 28 | Junkyard Specialist | Kansas City, MO

Choice line from his bio: He says being married is about “bringing new life into this world.” Okay, Jim Bob Duggar, let’s pump the brakes.

We need to hear more about: his occupation as a junkyard specialist. I feel like that’s a euphemism for a sex addict. Besides, America already has a favorite junkyard dog.

The Sandlot

Draftability: 3/10

Shawn B. | age: 28 | Personal Trainer | Windsor Locks, CT

Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear is “not being interested and not being able to get out of the date.” Twenty bucks this dude leaves on his own accord.

We need to hear more about: the fact that there are two men named Shawn on this show.

Draftability: 9/10

Shawn E. | age: 31 | Amateur. Sex. Coach. | Ontario, Canada

Choice line from his bio: His “ultimate date” sounds absolutely exhausting. Skydiving, followed by swimming in the ocean, followed by a hot tub, followed by doing it ‘til dawn.

We need to hear more about: his tenure as an amateur sex coach. Because of course the guy with the choker necklace is an amateur sex coach.

Draftability: 1/10 (but he could be the token weirdo that the Bachelorette is contractually obligated to keep way belong his expiration date)

Tanner | age: 28 | Auto Finance Manager | Kansas City, MO

Choice line from his bio: His biggest fear is his “date not liking [him] as much as [he] likes her” which is sweet, vulnerable, and just a pinch of Stage 5 Clinger.

We need to hear more about: his boozehound date. There’s a story there, and I’m all ears.

giphy

Draftability: 8/10

Tony | age: 35 | Healer | St. Louis, MO

Choice line from his bio: He’s so coy about his job as a professional healer. You know, just slavin’ away at that 9 to 5, healing necks and cashing checks.

We need to hear more about: his delightful zig-zag part.

Draftability: 2/10

Chris Harrison | age: exact birth date unknown | TV therapist | in a rose garden, California

We need to hear more about: Chris Harrison has written a romance novel and it is being published on May 19. He is a Renaissance man. He is a rose among thorns.

Draftability: 10/10

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May 12 2015
28 Comments
Episode Recaps: Season 11, Points: Season 11

Welcome to “The Bachelorette” Fantasy League, Season 11

It feels like just yesterday that we were romping in the hay, joking about plowing fields and inseminating hogs. And yet here we are, another season upon us. Now, Kaitlyn and Britt get the privilege of competing with each other first, before one of them decides to let a tanktop-wearing meathead put a ring on it after six weeks. Hey now. Hey now. This is what dreams are made of.

If you’re a returning BachFantasy-er, welcome back. If you are new, where the hell have you been? We’ve been waiting for like, 3 years, and you never even texted that you were running late. God.

Keep reading for an overview of how to start your very own Bachelorette Fantasy league.

How Our Bachelorette Fantasy League Works

1) Gather your “Bachelorette”-loving friends and choose a League Commissioner. The Commissioner is responsible for tallying league members’ points each week and sharing the standings with the league.

2) Choose how your league is going to run your draft (read more on that below) and submit your contestant picks to your league commissioner.

3) Watch “The Bachelorette” every Monday night, beginning May 18th on ABC.

4) Visit this blog every Tuesday morning to see how each of your contestants scored. The league commissioner should add up the point totals for each team in order to figure out the weekly rankings. You can use our scoring template to keep track of your league members’ scores.

Click here to download our new scoring template: BachFantasy – Season 12 – Britt and Kaitlyn.

A Special Note About “The Bachelorette” Season 12

Every once in a while, ABC goes out for margaritas, tosses a few too many back, stumbles home drunk, eats his roommate’s banana bread, and pisses all over the finely calibrated perpetual motion machine that is The Bachelor franchise. That’s the only explanation for what’s happening.

We have two Bachelorettes this season: Britt and Kaitlyn. We’re assuming that the male contestants will choose which Bachelorette they want to rappel down cliffs with, and the loser will be sent packing on night one.

But there’s no way to be sure, is there?

So here’s the deal: when you draft your five contestants, select a Bachelorette too. If you pick the right gal, you’ll earn an extra 50 points in episode two. If the men don’t select a Bachelorette in the first episode, then we’ll wait ’em out, and award points when the Bachelorette is chosen .

Until a Bachelorette is chosen, the men will then receive points for interactions with either lady.

The Draft

You have a few options when it comes to drafting your Bachelorette fantasy league team team of five contestants. Click here to read more about how to draft your team.

Also: we’re axing the mid-season draft this year. We tried it for the first time for Chris Soules’ season and the enthusiasm was tepid, like this cup of tea I’ve been nursing for 45 minutes. So we’re 86ing it. Peeved? Sound off in the comments.

Points Categories

When picking contestants, choose your own adventure. Do you want a team of escapees from the funny farm? Do you want to stack your team with the stage 5 clingers? Variety is the spice of life. Do you. 

Points are divided into Phrases, Actions, and Roses. We’ve added a few new points categories this year. We will continue with a new wildcard point category each week to keep things fresh throughout the season!

Phrases

  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiancee or wife (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Telling the Bachelorette that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (30 points)

Actions

  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Bonus: using the phrase “steal [the Bachelorette] away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Singing/playing an instrument for the Bachelorette (5 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Must be sitting on the ground
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Must actually see moisture fall
  • Having a secret girlfriend at home (25 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
    • Only for nudity; having your mouth blurred for profanity doesn’t count
  • Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
  • Drafting the next Bachelor on your team (40 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Roses

  • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points, only available first night)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Refusing the Fantasy Suite (-75 points)
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

Wildcard Points

Each week, we’ll announce the upcoming wildcard category for the week. It will change weekly and is only awarded to one guy per episode. For example, one wildcard category might be: the first guy to be shown on camera shirtless this week gets 40 points.

Scoring

We’ll score each episode for you and post each contestant’s scores every Tuesday morning. Be sure to check back every Tuesday to see how your teams are stacking up against one another! We’ll also be posting an episode recap for those of you can’t get enough Bach.

Will you be joining us this season? Let us know your league or individual team name in the comments! (We like puns.)

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Aug 04 2014
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Episode Recaps: Season 10

Season 10, Finale: Recap

Alright guys, one last episode. We can do this. Deep breath.

Meet the Parents

We’re still in the Dominican Republic, and the Dorfmans are here to assess Andi’s boyfriends.

Nick is up first. Hy cracks his knuckles and sits back, waiting for the first joker his daughter is bringing in for appraisal.

eat orange

Nick is visibly nervous, and is probably ducking off camera every few minutes to mop excess ass sweat.He gets his shit together during his conversation with Andi’s mom, Patti, and wins her over by gushing about all the things he loves about Andi. He says the right things, she doesn’t ask too many tough questions, we all refill our wine glasses.

It’s Hy’s turn next, and I am giddy with anticipation. Nick repeats his speech on Why He Loves Andi and finds the cajones to ask Hy for his blessing. Ultimately, Hy doesn’t give him an especially hard time. Let’s remember, the last guy Hy met on national TV was Juan Pablo, a borderline sociopath. Nick is a god damn prince compared to JP. He gets the thumbs up to get down on one knee, and Nick leaves to go wring out his boxers.

Josh shows up, flashing all 400 of his teeth and chattering away. Hy picks up on his nervousness and just laughs and laughs. In that moment, all is right. Andi’s sister and brother in law prime Josh for his interrogation with Hy with some standard questions. I don’t remember his answers, because I was too busy deciding what I thought about Andi’s sister’s turtle tattoo.

Josh, too, wants Hy’s blessing. He says all the things he’s supposed to say and Hy gives him a somewhat tepid endorsement, reminding him that Andi’s “yes” is really the one he needs. I imagine that is how my dad would react to someone asking for his blessing to marry me. Basically “IDGAF what you ask her, she knows whether this is a good idea or not.” Josh makes it to the next round in the playoffs though, so he’s stoked.

The Dates

This is the finale, so we get two helpings of Josh and Nick tonight.

Josh and Andi are on a boat, likely because the Dominican Republic has requested that they stay the fuck away from the locals, lest they degrade their culture and traditions more. No biggie, these guys can do their favorite activities (talking in vague cliches about how much they like each other and frenching) anywhere.

They move this date to the couch and Josh has a gift for Andi. She unwraps an Andi Murray baseball card. It’s a pretty bold move to attach your last name to a girl who has not yet told you she loves you, but you don’t get screen time by playing it safe. To be honest, I thought the baseball card was kind of a cute idea, but I have to wonder how many other Atlanta biddies have been given personalized baseball cards by Josh. Regardless, Andi eats it up.

Andi tucks the baseball card under her pillow and gets ready for her date with Nick. They “offroad” to a remote beach-like spot, and get right to removing their clothes. I’m sure they talked about their feelings and shit, but all I could focus on was Nick’s Ken doll torso. There literally is not one hair on it. Guys, I can’t stop thinking about it.

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Nick, a beach ball, and a boombox

Nick and Andi put their shirts back on and get cozy on the couch. Nick makes a fifteen minute long, nonsensical toast to set a sexy tone for the night. I don’t remember what they talked about, because all I remember was the gift Nick gave to Andi. As a sign of his love for her, Nick gives Andi a necklace, with a small vial of sand AND A SHARK TOOTH on it.

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I just…no. I can’t. Of all the things that could have been my breaking point with this show, I really didn’t expect it to be this. I remember being in the Bahamas with my family when I was 9, seeing those necklaces for sale at the touristy market we were at, and thinking “Thanks, but no thanks, I’ll just get my island cornrows done and be on my way.” Frankly, it was generous of Andi not to just dump Nick right there on the spot. Girl actually put that necklace on and forced a smile. Respect.

A new day is upon us, and shit’s about to get “real.” Neil Lane, the poor guy, shows up with a case of his most gigantic jewels for Josh to paw through. Josh picks a whopper for Andi, and sends Neil on his way to Nick…

…or not. Nick, expecting Neil Lane, opens the door to a very anxious looking Andi. This is obviously going nowhere good. Nick’s ass promptly begins sweating. Andi says a lot, but the gist of it is “I’m dumping you.” It was a humane move on Andi’s part to put an end to this before Nick picked out a ring and attempted to get down on one knee. Nick is obviously blindsided by this, but has no choice but to pack his stuff and get on a plane home.

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The End

This makes the last ten minutes of the show rather anticlimactic, but we’ve already committed what feels like hundreds of hours to this show, so what’s another ten minutes. Josh steps out of the limo and he’s wearing a suit from the toddler’s section and it’s hilarious. This suit is working hard. I didn’t listen to most of Josh’s proposal, because I had my eye trained on that button, waiting for it to bust open and clip Andi in the head.

Josh launches into a speech that’s basically a rom-com cliche madlib. Andi finally tells Josh everything he’s been waiting to hear. They hold hands and rock back and forth, play the “No, I love YOU more” game, and I pantomime barfing through the whole thing.

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And that’s all, folks. Andi’s got a big ol’ rock on her finger, Josh’s job title now reads “Former Reality Show Doofus,” and Bukowski is busy looking for a new girl to stalk.

Thanks for playing along this season with us! We’ll see you back here for the next season of The Bachelor.

Speaking of…who are you hoping to see as the next Bachelor? Tell us in the comments!

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Jul 29 2014
5 Comments
Points: Season 10

Season 10, Finale: Points

Update: Due to a complete lack of brain cells from watching The Bachelorette every week for two months, we originally published a mashup of last week’s and this week’s points. This post has been updated. 

Well, that wraps another season of the only show on television that puts your heartbroken ex on a tiny loveseat next to you so he can discuss your former (and short lived) sex life in front of America. Talk about one last fling before the ring, amiright? That was excruciating. I tucked my head into my neck.

At season’s end, I think it’s safe to say Andi was a breath of Bachelorette fresh air after the Juan Pablo fiasco last season, but she lost a lot of street cred in my book for acting so syrupy with Josh on After the Final Rose. Unless the show was filmed in an open air yurt in Greenland, Josh has no excuse for petting her shoulders that hard and for so long. And him giving in to her duck face with kisses? We’re all barfing at home and Nick just shot himself backstage, you mushy goons.

I was just glad Josh didn’t make the analogy between the ring he gave Andi and the World Series ring he always thought he’d get. Let’s be thankful for that (and for remnant memories of Nick’s naked torso) while we take a gander at the points tally for season 19’s finale.

Josh: 165 points (It’s outta here!) 

  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Going on a one on one date (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Giving Andi a gift (letter) (5 points)
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

Nick: 125 points. (He’s outta here.)

  • Talking about an ex-fiance or ex-wife (10 points)
  • Giving Andi a gift (5 points)
  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Going on a one on one date (20 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Eight weeks, 1 million hours and all your brain cells later, it turns out, Andi’s frown just needed a licking from Josh to turn it upside down.

Until next season,

K, B & J

P.S. Thank you for playing along with us this season! How’d you fare in your league?

P.P.S. Suggestions for next season? Tweet @bachfantasy.

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Jul 23 2014
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Episode Recaps: Season 10, Points: Season 10

Men Tell All: Points

While there were no points scored two nights ago on the Men Tell All special, the event wasn’t without flourish. We had our first live Bachelor ultrasound, Chris Bukowski was halted mid stage dive, and they brought the lie detector results back. Of. Course. They. Did. Who wants to put money on Andi opening the results backstage? Her internal battle was apparent and said it all: she will read those results eventually, at night and in a closet of her now shared home.

Next season we’ll think about adding specific points categories for the Men Tell All episode. Here are our ideas for that so far:

Drafting a contestant who…

  • Gets a phone number or asked on a date during the episode
  • Admits to still being in love or not over the Bachelor/ette
  • Is featured in the bloopers reel

What other points category ideas do you have? Also, over under on Andi’s ring size. Go.

K, J, and B

P.S. Follow us on Twitter.

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Jul 17 2014
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Episode Recaps: Season 10

Season 10, Episode 9: Recap

We kick off the fantasy suites by Andi walking us through what she likes and doesn’t like about each contestant, as if we have not watched this show for the past 8 weeks.

She calls Josh one of the most handsome men she’s ever seen: tall, sexy, with olive skin, and piercing blue eyes. “He’s got that personality that every woman is attracted to,” she says, proving why we need the feminist movement.

With Chris, she harps on and on about his manly farmer-ness and how “cute” he is, so this is how we know he’s going home tonight.

Nick’s One-on-One Time

Nick and Andi board a helicopter and go to a private island off the coast of the Dominican Republic. “This crystal clear beautiful blue water is just beautiful,” she informs the at-home viewer. So poetic. It’s like I’m there.  

Nick answers questions about his former engagement, saying that he was essentially in a depression for six months after his fiance called the wedding off. Andi loves that he’s opening up about his past, so to celebrate, they go snorkeling and wreak havoc on the ecosystem, like a pair of finned godzillas. As my fiance yelled at the TV, “You’re not supposed to touch the coral, ya fucks!”

Her scarf-loving suitor then reads a book to Andi, and it’s a fairy-tale version of the season so far. I would’ve personally preferred a medley of Frozen songs. “Do you wanna build a marriagggge?”

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They head off to the fantasy suite to Let It Go, if you catch my drift, but not before taking a quick detour to drape themselves against a palm tree and whisper, “I love you.”  

Josh’s One-on-One Time

The following day, Josh and Andi explore Santo Domingo and he recites the one line of high school Spanish he remembers when he sees Andi: “Hola! Que bonita!” They see a merengue band and they jump in to dance goofily to the music. Wouldn’t it be exhausting to be on this show? You have to be constantly Up For Anything, because the moment you let the facade slip, you’re probably going home for lack of enthusiasm. It’s like a two-month-long job interview, but with blue balls.

Andi then surprises him with an outing to a baseball diamond where a bunch of little leaguers are playing. Not pictured on camera: Josh in the dug-out, psyching himself up for the game and alternating between hysterical sobs and slapping himself repeatedly in the face, “COME ON, YOU CAN DO THIS, JOSH! THIS IS WHY DADDY LOVES AARON MORE!”

Josh says, “It means a lot to me that she pays attention to the things I enjoy.” Well, Josh, you’re about as one-dimensional as it gets; your love (or fear…?) of baseball is essentially the only thing we know about you. We didn’t have to pay close attention to learn that because you remind us of it in every. single. conversation. He’s as subtle as a prostitute in a saloon.

Josh is drunk with power as he pitches against fifth-graders because he can finally dominate the field. He mocks tackling the 11-year-old catcher at home plate, and I’m pretty sure that was take two. They can’t show the original take, because that first catcher is in the ICU of a hospital in Santo Domingo.

It’s only a game, Focker.

Hopped on endorphins and HGH, Josh tells Andi he loves her and informs the viewers at home that he’s “beyond love!” We’re so sure.

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Josh inquires Andi about what kind of a mom she will be. She says she’ll let her kids get away with stuff. Well, if these two end up together, those kids are gonna need some leeway. Because we already know what kind of a dad Josh will be. The scariest fucking dad ever. The dad who gets booted from his son’s Little League game for putting the ump in a chokehold.

They go back to the fantasy suites where Josh undoubtedly turns himself on by reenacting his highlight reel from the baseball game earlier.

Chris’ One-on-One Time

It’s time for Chris’ date. They’re on a gorgeous tropical island in the Caribbean and they manage to find the few squares of farmland, somewhere in the middle. that look like Iowa. Can’t the farmer catch a break? They go horseback riding and Andi reveals she’s terrified of horses, which bodes well for her future farm life.  

Next, they play a half-assed game of hide-and-seek, and Chris and Andi have less chemistry than most cousins do.

She lets Chris go, pulling down her pants and shitting all over his home state in the process. “It’s not you…it’s Iowa!” That’s a lot of smack talk for someone from Georgia, just saying.

Andi then blubbers on and on about how it’s actually not Iowa, it IS him, which is a real nice way to kick him when he’s down. Poor Chris just sits there and listens to her explain that she is just not that into him no less than five times. He is a real sweetheart about the whole thing and leaves with dignity, which is more than a lot of these bozos can say.

Now tell us, should we score the Men Tell All? 

It’s not you, it’s Iowa but also you,

J, B, and K

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Jul 15 2014
2 Comments
Points: Season 10

Season 10, Episode 9: Points

Well, if anyone spots a plane dragging “Andi is a scum-sucking road whore who ruined my life” over Iowa, we know who’s behind it. Just kidding, that’s not how we talk on the farm. We said goodbye to Chris, but at least we get to look forward to Andi’s dad, Hy, interrogating Josh and Nick in two weeks.

Here’s where the guys stand moving into the finale:

Chris – 90 points (It’s going to be a lonely tractor ride home)

  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (2o points)
  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)

Josh – 160 points

  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (2o points)
  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Nick – 190 points

  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (2o points)
  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (1o points)
  • Talking about an ex-fiance (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Giving Andi a gift (5 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

P.S. If you think we made a mistake with any of the points, please let us know in the comments below. You may have caught something we didn’t.

You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address at the bottom of the page. Did you know we’re also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time.

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