Tag Archives: ABC

Season 13, Episode 1: Points

Welcome, welcome as we kick off Season 13 of “The Bachelorette.” How did your team handle the first Purge? I’m already one man down and nervous about my chances this season.

Oprah This is Not Good

Reminder that we announce our wildcard points category each Monday before the show starts on Twitter. Follow us there to see what it is. (And come live-tweet with us! There are gifs and snark a-plenty to make it worth your while.)

Wildcard points: 15 points went to the first guy to arrive in anything but a limo. Those went to Blake E., who arrived in the middle of a marching band, presumably because he is an “aspiring drummer.” It seems like he is aspiring to be the house tattletale, which will likely be his demise. Gotta get fluent in Bachelorese before you go on this show, Blakey boy.

Onto the points!

  • Adam: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Alex: 35 points
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Anthony: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Blake E.: 45 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Singing or playing an instrument for the Bachelorette (5 points)
  • Blake K: 0 points
  • Brady: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Bryan: 50 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Bryce: 30 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Dean: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (sandcastle equipment) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • DeMario: 35 points
    • Singing or playing an instrument for the Bachelorette (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Diggy: 30 points
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Eric: 30 points
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Fred: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Grant: 0 points
  • Iggy: 30 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jack Stone: 35 points
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jamey: 30 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jedidiah: 0 points
  • Jonathan: 30 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Josiah: 35 points
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Kenny: 35 points
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Kyle: 5 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (Jamaican buns, I think he said?) (5 points)
  • Lee: 40 points
    • Singing or playing an instrument for the Bachelorette (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (a flower) (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lucas: 55 points
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (whaboom shirt) (5 points)
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Matt: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Michael: 5 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (brownie) (5 points)
  • Milton: 25 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Mohit: 20 points
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Peter: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (chocolates she didn’t like) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Rob: 5 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (first round draft pick card — UM IS THIS A SHOUT OUT?!) (5 points)
  • Will: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
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Welcome to “The Bachelorette” Fantasy League, Season 13

Raise your hand if you felt personally victimized by ABC for not releasing the cast bios until FOUR DAYS before “The Bachelorette” started.

BoPRheW

I mean, sweet Moses! We need ample time to carefully research our picks, ABC. We comb through those bios. Check up on contestants’ social media accounts. This isn’t a rush-order job.

Me, researching my picks, this weekend:

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We kick off Season 13 of “The Bachelorette” with extremely high hopes thanks to our intelligent, beautiful Bach, Rachel — the show’s first ever POC Bachelor or Bachelorette, which is insane. Are we very nervous that the show/its contestants will not handle the subject of race delicately? Oh, yeah, you bet.

We put out a call on Twitter for new suggested points categories and we got some great ones. In fact, we chose three of your suggestions, and we’ll file away some of the others for wildcard points to pepper in throughout the season.

If you’ve never played before, or if this is your SEVENTH season playing, read on for the details below. Welcome to the 75th Annual Hunger Games!

HOW OUR BACHELORETTE FANTASY LEAGUE WORKS

1) Gather your “Bachelorette”-loving friends and coworkers, and choose a League Commissioner. The Commissioner is responsible for tallying league members’ points each week and sharing the standings with the league.

2) Choose how your league is going to run your draft (read more on that below) and submit your contestant picks to your league commissioner.

3) Watch “The Bachelorette” every Monday night, beginning May 22 on ABC.

4) Visit this blog every Tuesday to see how each of your contestants scored. The league commissioner should add up the point totals for each team in order to figure out the weekly rankings. You can use our BachFantasy Scoring Template to keep track of your league members’ scores.

THE DRAFT

You have a few options when it comes to drafting your Bachelorette fantasy league team of five contestants. Click here to read more about how to draft your team.

POINTS CATEGORIES

When picking contestants, you’re the team owner. So, go with your gut. The Crazies earn a lot of points (and they’re the very lifeblood of the show’s existence), but you’ll be most rewarded for picking contestants who go the distance.

Points are divided into Phrases, Actions, and Roses. We post a wildcard points category on Twitter every Monday before the episode airs, so be sure to follow us there for the latest info.

There will also be a mid-season draft after Episode 5 in which you’ll be able to add one player to your team if it’s no longer intact. Don’t worry about that for now; there will be more deets later. Onto the points!

We’ve added three (count ’em, THREE) sparkling new points categories this year: Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points); Shoving another contestant (20 points); and Being hugged by the Bachelorette with the leg wraparound (10 points).

We also made an update to an old category. In the past, a contestant only received points for saying the phrase “not here for the right reasons” to the Bachelor/ette. This season, we did away with that last part. If a contestant utters those magical words at any point on-air, he gets points.

Phrases

  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiancee or wife (10 points)
  • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
  • Discussing his virginity (15 points)
  • Saying that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (15 points) [UPDATED FOR 2017]
  • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (15 points)
  • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points) [NEW IN 2017]
  • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Being told “I love you” by theBachelorette (50 points)

Actions

  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Bonus: using the phrase “steal [the Bachelorette] away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Singing or playing an instrument for the Bachelorette (5 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Must be sitting on the ground
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Being hugged by the Bachelorette with legs wrapped around him (10 points) [NEW IN 2017]
  • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points) [NEW IN 2017]
  • Interrupting a rose ceremony to ask to speak with the Bachelorette alone (20 points)
  • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Must actually see moisture fall; we’re sticklers on this
  • Having a secret girlfriend at home (25 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
    • Only for nudity; having your mouth blurred for profanity doesn’t count
  • Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
  • Drafting the next Bachelor on your team (40 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Roses

  • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points, only available first night)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (now worth 35 points)
  • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Refusing the Fantasy Suite when the Bachelorette is game (-75 points)
  • Proposing or being proposed to (85 points)
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

Wildcard Points 

Each week, we’ll announce the wildcard category for the next episode on Twitter (so follow us there for up-to-date info). It will change each week, and is only awarded to one man per episode. For example, one wildcard category might be: the first man to break into song this week gets 25 points.

SCORING

We’ll score each episode for you and post each contestant’s scores every Tuesday. Be sure to check back every Tuesday to see how your teams are stacking up against one another within your own league. We’ll also be posting an episode recap for those of you just can’t get enough Bach.

Will you be joining us this season? Let us know your league or individual team name in the comments. We love your puns. 

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 21, Episode 1: Points

We’re off to the races! Nick’s fourth attempt at nationally televised love is underway. And as always, we’re here to help you compete against your friends, family, and coworkers for all the glory, accolades, and bragging rights that come with being a BachFantasy Champion.

We post our Wildcard Points Category every Monday on Twitter, so be sure to follow us there. Wildcard points last night: 20 points were up for grabs to the first lady who arrived to the Bachelor mansion in something other than formalwear. Alexis won that handily, dressed as Left Shark from Katy Perry’s Super Bowl performance. Her dolphin call upset the shit out of my dog. He had to leave the room.

Reminder: you can use our Season 21 Scoring Template to keep track of your league’s points.

  • Alexis: 65 points
    • Wearing a costume native to another country (sumo wrestler) (5 points)
    • Wildcard points (20 points)
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Angela: 10 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (picture frame) (5 points)
  • Astrid: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Briana: 25 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Brittany: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Christen: 30 points
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Corinne: 45 points
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (that random-ass bag of tokens) (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Danielle L.: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Danielle M.: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Dominique: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Elizabeth “Liz”: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Elizabeth: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Hailey: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ida Marie: 0 points
  • Jaimi: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jasmine B: 0 points
  • Jasmine G: 55 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Josephine: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Kristina: 50 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lacey: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren: 25 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Michelle: 0 points
  • Olivia: 0 points
  • Rachel: 50 points
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Raven: 30 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Sarah: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Susannah: 0 points
  • Taylor: 30 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Vanessa: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Whitney: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

 

 

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Season 12, Finale: Points

We made it through the wildernesssss. Somehow we made it throooooough. JoJo chose her man, and now they have a great portmanteau: JoJor. Hope JoJor makes it work and pop out a couple of babies with huge Jimmy Neutron-style coifs and pants so tight they cut off their circulation.

BEST UNDERRATED MOMENT during the finale? When they cut to the live studio audience after she lets Robby go, and everyone is sitting shell-shocked like they’d just received extremely personal, deeply troubling news. We’d kill to be in that audience; you know yo gals would give the producers some MONEY reaction shots.

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Thanks again for another great season! We won’t be scoring “Bachelor in Paradise” but we will be occasionally live-tweeting, so you can follow us there if you’re missing our snark. Rest up in the off-season — take that vacation, schedule that surgery you’ve been putting off. We’ll see you right back here for the next season of “The Bachelor” when you’re rested and ready.

  • Jordan: 335 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (hat; note) (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelorette (50 points)
    • Proposing or being proposed to (85 points)
    • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)
  • Robby: 110 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (flowers; photos; note) (5 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
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Season 12 Episode 7: Points

First, a caveat: We were a man down tonight, so I tweeted and scored. I think I got everything, but speak up if I missed anything. FYI, guys will get points for making it to hometowns next week, and the guys did not get points for singing on the bus since it was not to JoJo (though it was awesome).

How did your team do going into Hometowns? We did the math for you.

  • Alex: 60 points 
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another country (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Chase: 45 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James Taylor: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Jordan: 120 points 
    • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Wildcard points (First to appear shirtless) (20 points)
  • Luke: 55 points 
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Robby: 85 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body party blurred on camera (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 12, Episode 6: Points

Last night’s episode was a little on the nose (en la nariz), no? Between the love triangle tango and the woman belting out “Evita” on a balcony while Derek bawled in the limo on his way to the airport…the producers weren’t being subtle. That’s okay. We don’t watch “The Bachelorette” for subtlety. We watch for the elaborate picnic spreads, the chopper rides to remote lagoons, the fumbled metaphors comparing rappelling down a building to falling in love. And dammit, the Bach delivers time and time again.

Onto the points.

Robby snagged the wildcard points last name, 15 points for speaking a full sentence in Spanish (when he read the date card that said “Besame, besame, muchacho”).

  • Alex: 50 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chase: 95 points 
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the two-on-one date (40 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Derek: 90 points 
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • James Taylor: 70 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jordan: 70 points 
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Luke: 60 points (stat correction)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
  • Robby: 65 points (stat correction)
    • Wildcard points (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wells: 65 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 12, Episode 4: Points

Never have I ever been this upset about a “To Be Continued…” at the end of a “Bachelorette” episode. WHAT DOES CHAD DO OUTSIDE THE HOTEL?! We have to wait two weeks to find out. This season has taken a delicious detour into horror movie territory and I’m HERE FOR IT.

Twenty-five wildcard points last night went to Evan, who was the first man to bleed. Although I’m making this face to the editors

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for using some smoke and mirrors to make it seem like Chad was responsible for said bleeding. Instead, the cause was Intense Synchronized Swimming™.

Onto the points! Some men scored double rose points this week, which we allowed — however, we did not count any other category twice, per our usual rule of once per episode (so Robby and Jordan only got kissing points once).

ALSO WE NEED YOUR EYEBALLS: there was a shot of some of the men with their tootsies in the hot tub in the first five minutes of the episode during the pool party. I don’t have DVR — and my co-founder was at the Beyonce concert so we didn’t catch it! If you know exactly who was in the hot tub at that moment, comment and we’ll update the points accordingly. Thanks!

  • Alex: 120 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Ali: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Chad: 75 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Chase: 25 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Christian: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Daniel: 50 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Derek: 75 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Evan: 70 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points: first man to bleed (25 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Grant: 45 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • James F.: 50 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • James Taylor: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Needing medical attention (20 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jordan: 130 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Luke: 130 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her to the camera” (20 points)
  • Nick B: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Robby: 95 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Vinny: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
  • Wells: 45 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)

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Season 12, Episode 3: Points

Well, last night’s episode gave us some fresh ideas for points categories in future seasons including throwing a punch (inanimate object): 10 points and tattling to Dad, AKA Chris Harrison: 20 points. Tonight’s episode looks like it might inspire categories such as throwing a punch (animate object): 35 points and being punched: 25 points. What a treat this season has already been!  #DontTryThisAtHome

Overall, this was a fairly low-scoring episode, because there was no rose ceremony last night — we’ll be sure to give the dudes their points for any and all rose ceremonies that occur in Tuesday night’s episode.

The wildcard points category last night was 15 smackers to any man who read a date card aloud to the group (we decided to shake it up and award it to each dude who read a card last night in the episode, versus our usual “first” man to do any given action). We’re trying to keep you on your toes. Look alive out there.

We’ll announce the wildcard points category for tonight’s episode on Twitter. Follow us there to see what we’ve cooked up…

  • Alex: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Ali: 25 points
    • Wildcard points: reading a date card aloud to the group (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Chad: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Chase: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points (15 points)
    • Mentioning his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Christian: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Daniel: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Derek: 0 points
  • Evan: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
  • Grant: 25 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Discussing his virginity (15 points)
  • James F.: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • James Taylor: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points: reading a date card aloud to the group (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing or playing an instrument (the guitar) (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jordan: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Luke: 0 points
  • Nick B: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Robby: 0 points
  • Vinny: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wells: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)

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Season 12, Episode 2: Recap

And just like that, Week Two is in the books. The more I watch this show, the more I feel that episodes two and three are the best of the season. The real wackos are just starting to hoist their freak flags up the flagpole, the frontrunners are posturing for the top spot, and the group dates are still utterly whack competitions where the first place prize is an extra three to five minutes of time with JoJo, along with a side order of humiliation.

The first date consists of the group competing to be crowned Best Firefighter. Normally, I’ll wait until a sixth date or so before I make a guy pass the firefighter physical ability test, but “The Bachelorette” is all about a speedy courtship, even compared to the Duggars. The men are put through a series of grueling physical challenges that they perform as if their actual lives depended on it, not just a brief one-on-one conversation with JoJo. Wells (or three kindergartners sitting on each other’s shoulders?) nearly passes out from heat stroke, earning the season’s first medical attention points.  

As soon as Wells’ blood oxygen level stabilizes, Chief Tracey plucks him to compete against an ex-Army officer and an actual firefighter in the very drills that had incapacitated him moments earlier. He does not win. Grant wins a conversation with JoJo and Luke sulks, kicks his steel-toe cowboy boots into various door frames, and complains in a monotone for the rest of the night. JoJo gives Wells the group date rose to make up for nearly killing him. Wells is self-deprecating, charming, and has All-4-One on a personal retainer. He’s too good for this show.

Next up, Derek and his teeth get the one-on-one date. He and JoJo make a series of decisions about where to go and what to do (which is pretty par for the course in the real world of dating). They conflate their ability to agree on a date activity with a sign that they’re connected on a deep and spiritual level. I couldn’t stop wondering about the producers who had to coordinate the date Derek and JoJo didn’t pick. What a waste of a workday. Derek gets the rose.

The best part of this one-on-one date is when we’re not on it. Back at Bro HQ, Daniel and Chad are sowing the seeds of a beautiful bromance wearing matching black tanktops and abusing literary devices. Chad shares some wisdom with the viewers at home about how women should avoid nice guys (noted — thanks, Chad), and then attempts to diss the other guys with a bizarre, and ultimately unsuccessful, metaphor about the shitty protein shake they would make if you were to blend them. While this powwow is taking place, the rest of the guys are sitting around the pool earnestly rehearsing a song they wrote for JoJo. Somehow, I hate Chaniel less in this segment.

The last date of the episode brings us to ESPN’s LA studio and the men promptly jizz their pants because #SPORTZ. They perform touchdown dances because two TV hosts tell them that’s how they will prove they love JoJo, which makes total sense. The hosts rank the guys and give Chad second place, despite his obvious disinterest in the charade and the fact that he called JoJo “naggy.” Chad really starts to chap Alex’s ass, and Alex begins his crusade to take Chad down. Remember, it’s not the size of the Tiny Alex in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the Tiny Alex. While we’re on the topic, Alex is actually more naggy than JoJo (who literally wasn’t at all) though Chad doesn’t seem to notice.

Underdog James Taylor ends up at the top of the power rankings, disappointing the rest of the group who all worship at the church of ESPN and likely have protein shake on tap in their bachelor pads. He’s seen fire, and he’s seen rain, but he has not seen this show before because guys that act like James Taylor go home (to Carolina in their minds) before episode five. He later reads JoJo some piece of prose that sounds like wedding vows, despite knowing her as well as I got to know the Uber driver who took me to the airport yesterday. (Shout out to Roger! Hope your sister’s recovering from that knee operation.)

Chad is hardly likeable, but he does astutely remind the rest of these guys, who are literally proclaiming their love for JoJo, that they actually don’t know anything about her yet. They do know she’s smokin’ hot though, which I guess is enough.

Unfortunately for Chad, the high point of his week was when he tied that luggage to his waist and did some pull-ups. Alex forms a posse to harass Chad after they learn that he *gasp* had a conversation with JoJo on her way into the party. They start singing, “When you’re a bro, you’re a bro all the way, from your first protein shake, to your last dying day.”

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Chad can’t be bothered. He’s roaming around the house shoving fistfuls of deli meat into his mouth. He can’t be worried about haterz when there’s that much meat in the house. Like a newborn baby, Chad has to eat at very specific intervals or he gets fussy.

In the end we say goodbye to Brandon, James S., and Will. Onto bigger and bro-ier guys this week.

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Season 12, Episode 1: Points

Welcome to Season 12 of “The Bachelorette” and the sixth season of BachFantasy! This season premiere was major. We had Damn Daniel drunk and wandering around in undies, diving into a pool even though there was clearly no lifeguard on duty. We had a gorgeous specimen named Ali who played the piano and caused millions of panties to spontaneously evaporate off their owners’ bodies around the country. We had a Bachelor superfan and Ken doll lookalike that legitimately made me LOL every time he appeared on screen; he was so nervous to meet all his heroes in the flesh. I thought for sure he was going to ask Chris Harrison to sign his chest. We were treated to a private serenade from the musical stylings of All4One, and just like that I was 13 years old again, swaying in my middle school gym with a spiral-shaped rhinestone tattoo glued on my arm and butterfly clips in my hair.

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We also had the earliest reveal of a season villain in Bachelorette history. Can we talk about those coming attractions? So, Chad is essentially two fists and a beard. I’ve gone ahead and renamed the season.

there_will_be_blood_movie_poster_rolling_roadshow_2010_olly_moss

Onto the points! Take a gander at our points categories again, even if you’ve played with us before, as there have been some additions this year and a few points changes. Have your commissioner add your contestants’ points to your spreadsheet to see how your team is stacking up.

Thirty wildcard points went to Christian, who was the first man to arrive in anything other than a limo (he showed up on a motorcycle). We announce our Wildcard Points category on Twitter every Monday before the show starts. Follow us there for live tweets, plenty o’ gifs, and wildcard points.

Two caveats to this week’s points totals:

  • Some dude presented JoJo with a piece of toast during his limo introduction, but he did not hand it to her. Thus, it was not a gift, merely a prop in his terrible pun.
  • In order for it to count as an interruption, a contestant has to be interrupting someone else’s one-on-one time with JoJo.

Without further ado…

  • Alex: 30 points
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ali: 30 points
    • Playing an instrument (the piano) (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Brandon: 30 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chad: 25 points
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chase: 25 points
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Christian: 60 points
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Wildcard points: first man to arrive in anything other than a limo (30 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Coley: 0 points
  • Daniel: 40 points
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Derek: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Evan: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Grant: 30 points
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jake: 0 points
  • James F.: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James S.: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James Taylor: 30 points
    • Playing an instrument (the guitar) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jonathan: 35 points
    • Wearing a costume native to another country (5 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)
  • Jordan: 60 points
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points)
  • Luke: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (cowboy boots) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Nick B: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Nick S.: 20 points
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Peter: 5 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (a heart pillow) (5 points)
  • Robby: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (wine) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Sal: 5 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (blue balls) (5 points)
  • Vinny: 45 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wells: 50 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Giving a gift (the musical group All4One) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Will: 35 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Got a wildcard points category you’d like to see us feature this season? Leave your suggestions below in the comment.

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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