Tag Archives: the bachelorette fantasy league

Season 12 Episode 1: Recap

Buckle up, friends, it’s going to be a drunk season. Following in the footsteps of this season’s fresh crop, I’m 1.5 Bloody Marys deep and ready to get down to some snarking. Since a narrative recap of the premiere would really just boil down to a list of guys named James getting out of a limo to embarrass themselves, we decided to mix things up – yearbook style.

 

Class of Season 12 Superlatives

highschool-yearbook

Most Likely to Bench Press the Bachelorette: Alex

Alex is a short guy with big muscles. He’s already done pushups with JoJo on his back. He’s got something to prove and he’s using his muscles to prove it.

Most Likely to Have a Panic Attack on a One-On-One Date: Ali

Ali was adorably nervous during the whole premiere. He loosened up a bit while playing the piano (or maybe he’d had eight cocktails by then), but Ali is one tightly wound little Mozart.

Most Likely to Get the Axe Next Week: Brandon

Brandon is one of the contestants with a ridiculous “job”, but unlike most of them he has the personality of a used q-tip. Unless things get pretty hipstery next week, Brandon will probably find himself with a lot of time for Instagramming latte art and cruising around on his fixed-gear bike.

Most Likely to Leave the Season with a Restraining Order: Chad

Chad wasted no time establishing himself as the season villain, and it looks like his rage train is on the express track. If Chad were an emoji, he’d be the red-faced guy with a couple of flexed biceps on the side.

Most Likely to Stick Around Despite Having a Below Average Personality: Chase

Chase is attractive and doesn’t seem like a total psychopath. He’ll be here for a while, despite seeming pretty vanilla.

Most Likely to be a Relatively Normal, Nice Guy: Christian

Despite the fact that this dude regularly wakes up in the middle of the night to do crossfit or whatever, I think we may actually have a nice person on our hands here. He’s gainfully employed, keeps his two brothers alive, and hasn’t revealed a pathological rage problem yet. 5/5 stars.

Most Likely to be a Group Date Allstar: Derek

Derek seems fine. I predict that he will go on every group date, playing nice with the other guys (perhaps even showing them the ropes – “So we’re going to compete in this sushi making competition, and then the losing half of the group will have to hitchhike back to the mansion.”), but probably not make much headway with JoJo one-on-one. There are worse Bachelorette fates, Derek.

Most Likely to be Unemployable After This Show: Daniel

Daniel is the season buffoon, here to keep us entertained with the right mixture of shameless ego and minimal self-awareness. Daniel has already defeated the odds by getting a rose despite shedding his clothes and drunkenly belly flopping into the pool on night one, so he’s got more time to embarrass himself before he’s cut.

Most Likely to Worry About Shrinkage: Evan

Evan’s calling in life is to help dudes get boners. Given how many of the Bach leisure and date activities involve swimming, he’s probably mainlining testosterone as we speak.

Most Likely to be a Dark Horse: Grant

Grant was on my short list to draft and I swapped him at the last minute for some White Dude With Stubble™ because history. Now I kind of regret it. I think Grant could stick around.

Most Likely to be Torn Apart by the Fashion Police: James F.

I’m still not over the black shirt and red tie combo. Probably won’t ever get over it. I know Joan Rivers would be on my side here.

Most Likely to Shit His Pants in Chris Harrison’s Presence: James S.

James lives for The Bachelor franchise and his little Ken doll brain couldn’t even compute sharing space with legends like Chris Harrison and Jake Pavelka.

Most Likely to Bring an Acoustic Guitar to the Hot Tub: James Taylor

Please, don’t.

Most Likely to Have a Target on His Back: Jordan

Jordan wasted no time charming the pants off JoJo (not literally, give it a few episodes, guys) and establishing himself as the early front runner. He’s a former pro athlete, attractive, and likable (though his ex has given us something to think about), which means he’s public enemy #1 in the Bach mansion. Sleep with one eye open, Jordan.

Most Likely to Cry it Out: Luke

Luke’s intro featured him somberly discussing his military service. There’s no way this will not come up during an emotional conversation over a dinner that no one will eat.

Most Likely to Surprise Us: Nick B.

Nick B. showed up in a Santa costume. And stayed in a Santa costume. And beat his “Jo Jo Jo” joke to death for two hours wearing a Santa costume. Despite all that, JoJo was into him. Rereading his bio, he may be normal enough to actually have some longevity in this circus.

Most Likely to Bore the Hell Out of Us: Robby

Robby checks the Bach boxes: styled hair, conventionally attractive, slightly murdery eyes, mildly successful athlete at some point in his life, etc. He may also have less personality than a box of hair. TBD.

Most Likely to Be Hungover the Whole Season: Vinny

Vinny was one of the Three Musketeers who earned themselves some visible drunkenness points during Monday’s premiere. I have a feeling that is going to be Vinny’s legacy on this show. Not feeling too confident that he’s going to reinvent himself before he gets booted.

Most Likely to Bring Ginuwine to the Fantasy Suite: Wells

Wells set the bar high by showing up on night one and wooing JoJo with some sweet 90s slow jams. I think Wells is in it for the long haul, and he’s got to top All-4-One.

Most Likely to Knock Teeth with JoJo While Kissing: Will

Poor Will. His cootie catcher kiss gimmick could have been cute, but unfortunately he and JoJo had chemistry roughly equal to that of most first cousins. There could be hope for Will yet, but he’s climbing an uphill battle.

Most Likely to Speak Up During Men Tell All Despite being on the Show for 40 Seconds: Coley, Jake, Jonathan, Sal, Peter, Nick B.

These guys came for their 15 minutes and damnit they’re gonna get it.

Which superlative categories do you think we missed? Tell us in the comments!

 

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Season 11: Finale Points

Well, Nick, you win some, you lose some. Or you lose them all, actually. Sorry, buddy. But a big ol’ Mazel Tov to K + S. We hope to see you on many more People magazine covers together. Though Nick did not receive the final rose, he still pulled in some serious pointage last night, proving once and for all that homie knows how to play this game.

 

  • Nick V.: 145 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family (15 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Wildcard points: Being the first guy to ask for Kaitlyn’s dad for his blessing (50 points)
  • Shawn B.: 160 points
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

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Season 11, Episode 8: Highlight Reel

There are officially no rules left on this show. How many episodes are left? Whose families are we meeting? Are we ever going to see another rose ceremony or is Shawn going to murder-suicide the whole cast in a jealous rage and shut this thing down for good? I don’t have any of those answers for you. I do have a roundup of some of our favorite moments from episode eight though. Have at it.

Highlights from Episode 8:

  1. Shawn’s tomato face when Kaitlyn dropped the sex bomb on him. Shawn felt like the belle of the ball when Kaitlyn kicked everyone else off their group date and awarded him with some one-on-one time. He had no idea that he was about to have the wind knocked out of his sails in a big way, courtesy of Nick’s wiener.
  2. Shawn referring to Nick as “the other guy.” Grow up. He’s not Voldemort and jealousy ain’t cute.
  3. Ben H. being a motherfucking dreamboat. On their one-on-one date, Ben admits that he fears that he isn’t lovable. That is crazy talk, because I’m pretty sure I love him. Also, I wanna get familiar with his bathing suit parts, if you catch my drift.
  4. 3f391d11256cb849745667609ff6e76eJoe’s silent tantrum after Kaitlyn broke his little cowboy heart. I have to assume that there was more to their relationship than what we saw on camera, because by my estimation they spent a total of 6 1/2 minutes together and he claimed he was IN LOVE with her. Not falling. IN LOVE. We didn’t even get a limo exit interview…
  5. leslie-knope-tantrum-oThe return of Nick’s hairless chest. After Kaitlyn and Nick took a trip to Pound Town, we were treated to some morning after footage of them eating breakfast meats and pawing at each other.

What was your favorite moment from this week’s episode? Do you think Joe is still sulking somewhere in Ireland? What type of murder weapon do you think Shawn brought to Nick’s room? Sound off in the comments!

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Season 11, Episode 8: Points

I’m putting this in writing: if Ben doesn’t win in the end, I’m moving back to Denver to find him and kiss his face and body and more.

bodyready

In other news, Shawn needs a yoga class or a Xanax (or both). Nick…whatever. I don’t even care. Here’s where we landed after episode 8:

  • Ben H.: 85 points (stat correction)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Jared: 45 points (stat correction)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Joe: 50 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (3o points)
      • Editor’s note: I had to rewind 4 times to hear him actually say that. Speak clearly, boy.
  • Nick V.: 150 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
      • Editor’s note: Nick said “mind if I grab this lovely lady?,” not “steal her away.” No additional points.
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Shawn B.: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)

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Season 11, Episode 7: Points

Welp, this season we’ve got rose ceremonies at the beginning of every episode and Fantasy Suites happening BEFORE hometown dates.

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I never realized how much Chris Harrison resembles Plutarch of The Hunger Games, changing the rules in the Hunger Games arena when he knows Katnissaitlyn has outsmarted him.

You take some unauthorized off-camera time without asking? Oh, okay, we’re gonna GIVE YOU unauthorized camera time. Say goodbye to three dudes this week and march your ass into that Fantasy Suite, toots. It’s like when your mom catches you smoking a cigarette and makes you finish the whole pack in front of her.

Chris Harrison is your mom. Chris Harrison is Plutarch Heavensbee. This is Chris Harrison’s world, and we’re just living in it. Don’t you ever forget it.

Wildcard points would’ve gone to the first person who expressed a desire to go home, but alas, none did.

  • Ben H.: 35 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ben Z.: 20 points (stat correction)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased relative (10 points)
      • Editor’s note: He did ask to “steal [Kaitlyn] away” but he wasn’t interrupting someone’s one-on-one time so it doesn’t count
  • Chris: 95 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
      • Editor’s note: Whoa, dude. 
  • Jared: 30 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • JJ: 50 points (stat correction)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Mentioning a previous wife (10 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Kaitlyn (20 points)
  • Joe: 85 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Telling the Bachelorette he’s falling in love with her (20 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Nick V.: 35 points 
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Shawn B.: 55 points (stat correction) 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Tanner: 0 points

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 11, Episode 6: Points

Oooh lordy lordy. We made our wildcard points category “doing it with the Bachelorette” based solely off of last week’s coming attractions (double entendre there, folks) and the show delivered. Think we might have to add doin’ it into next year’s regular roto of points categories.

Also, you guys aren’t going to believe this but tornadoes in the Chicagoland area interrupted the Bachelorette AGAIN, albeit briefly. I think for less than five minutes total, but I still might’ve missed something, so please let me know if you think I did.

  • Ben H.: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Ben Z.: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Chris: 45 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (a flower) (5 points)
  • Ian: 30 points
    • Leaving the show on his own accord (30 points)
  • Jared: 85 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • JJ: 25 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Joe: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Joshua: 25 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Justin: 0 points 
  • Nick V.: 110 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Wildcard points: doing it with the Bachelorette (50 points)
  • Shawn B.: 25 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Tanner: 40 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 11, Episode 5: Points

Last night was pretty eventful in Chicago. The Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup and I lost the battle over the remote to my fiance. Thus, I watched the Bach pretty late, and much to my dismay, some of the episode’s DVRed broadcast was interrupted (briefly) by news coverage of the tornadoes/heavy thunderstorms in the area. I very well might’ve missed a point category or two. Thanks in advance for your patience today! (Much tired. Very sleep. Cannot snark.)

No one received the wildcard points last night; they would’ve gone to the first person who said they needed one-on-one time before the rose ceremony, but there was only one strange, faux-ceremony on a baseball diamond last night so we were screwed. We’ll make next week’s points worth some weight to make up for it.

Onto the points!

  • Ben H.: 85 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ben Z.: 40 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Chris: 25 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
      • Editor’s note: This was tricky but there was one shot of her kissing a man in a maroon jacket that matched what Chris was wearing last night.
  • Corey: 0 points 
  • Ian: 50 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Jared: 55 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
  • JJ: 45 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Joe: 55 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jonathan: 5 points (stat correction)
    • Mentioning his son (5 points)
  • Joshua: 70 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Justin: 25 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Nick V.: 115 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
  • Ryan B.: 0 points
  • Shawn B.: 115 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Tanner: 40 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 11, Episode 3: Points

But actually, where do we start? Diapers, gypsy hearts, ball sacs, tampins, bloody snake toilets, romantic bro times (?), villains. I COULD KEEP GOING. This week has brought us the BachFantasy debut of one of our new points categories “Wearing a costume or clothing native to another country,” and A LOT  of blurred out body part points.

  • Ben H.: 75 points
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Ben Z.: 70 points
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chris: 80 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Clint: 60 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Corey: 25 points
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Cory: 0 points
  • Daniel: 0 points
  • Ian: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jared: 105 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Teling the Bachelorette that someone in the house “isn’t here for the right reasons” (30 points)
  • JJ: 55 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Joe: 70 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
  • Jonathan: 35 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Joshua: 60 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wildcard points: first person to talk smack on JJ (25 points)
  • Justin: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette (10 points)
  • Ryan B.: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected go to on a group date (10 points)
  • Shawn B.: 130 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
  • Tanner: 35 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Tony: 105 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Leaving the show on his own accord (30 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (that puny dandelion) (5 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 11, Episode 2: Highlight Reel

Think of this as the SportsCenter Top 10, only sluttier. Here is Season 11, Episode 2’s highlight reel:

  1. When we briefly glimpsed what it’d be like to live in ancient Rome and attend gladiator games (if the gladiators wore pastels, loafers, and rope-like statement necklaces).
  2. The underwater photo shoot. Stop trying to make underwater photo shoots happen. They’re not going to happen. underwater-photos-of-dogs-seth-casteel-1
  3. The pure existence of Amy Schumer.
  4. When Amy Schumer had JJ pegged within three minutes of meeting him: “JJ is a great guy. He just lacks charisma, humility, and a sense of humor.” Can she be on all the shows? Let’s overthrow Chris Harrison.
  5. The men performed “stand-up comedy.” That’s really all you need to know.They gave it the ol’ college try, though Tony took a detour through the universe and used his five minutes to wax poetic about the meaning of comedy in the larger context of his life. Classic knee-slapper material.
  6. The prank the boys played on Justin, sending him out to the driveway to check for the mysterious “knocking” noise.Well played, gentlemen. More pranks.
  7. When JJ revealed himself as an early villain by being the first man at the rose ceremony to pull Kaitlyn aside DESPITE him already having a rose and DESPITE the fact the entire mansion agreed that men with roses would defer to those without. They even spit and shook on it. JJ ruffled Tony the Healer’s chakras —and Tony seems like the type of dude who’d find you in another lifetime (whether you’re reincarnated humans or donkeys) and claim you had some negative energy to sort out between the two of you.
  8. Kupah fumbled his way through a conversation to tell Kaitlyn he didn’t know if they had a connection, but also make a case for why he should get a rose? It was the conversational equivalent of this:giphy

Just imagine him yelling: “But you’re pretty and hot and sexy!” as his shoes fly off, and it’s the same.

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Season 11, Episode 2: Points

Cliffhangers are a dang thorn in our behinds. We prefer to tie up each episode neatly with a rose ceremony. ABC has other plans. Next week’s episode will likely have two rose ceremonies.

Some important housekeeping, before we get to points:

  • In Episode 1, I mistakenly awarded 5 points for “mentioning his kid” to Ryan B., who has yet to father any offspring (to the best of our/his knowledge). Those 5 points should’ve gone to Justin. Please update in your spreadsheet accordingly. Mea culpa.

The wildcard points for last night’s episode went to JJ, who Amy Schumer delightfully raked over the coals. (P.S. we announce the upcoming wildcard points category every Sunday/Monday on Twitter.)

  • Ben H.: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Ben Z.: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Chris: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Clint: 55 points (stat correction) 
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Corey: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Cory: 0 points
  • Daniel: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Ian: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jared: 55 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Needing medical attention (20 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette gift: a note (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • JJ: 110 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Mentioning a previous wife (10 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Wildcard points: first person to get made fun of by Amy Schumer (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
    • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
  • Joe: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jonathan: 10 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Joshua: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Justin: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Kupah: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Ryan B.: 0 points
  • Shawn B.: 0 points
  • Tanner: 15 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Tony: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)

Question of the week: What in tarnation is going on with Britt and Brady? Is it a calculated move to prolong her time in the spotlight? Would she have “gone steady” with WHOEVER knocked on her hotel room door? Give us your take in the comments.

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