Tag Archives: Andi

Season 10, Finale: Recap

Alright guys, one last episode. We can do this. Deep breath.

Meet the Parents

We’re still in the Dominican Republic, and the Dorfmans are here to assess Andi’s boyfriends.

Nick is up first. Hy cracks his knuckles and sits back, waiting for the first joker his daughter is bringing in for appraisal.

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Nick is visibly nervous, and is probably ducking off camera every few minutes to mop excess ass sweat.He gets his shit together during his conversation with Andi’s mom, Patti, and wins her over by gushing about all the things he loves about Andi. He says the right things, she doesn’t ask too many tough questions, we all refill our wine glasses.

It’s Hy’s turn next, and I am giddy with anticipation. Nick repeats his speech on Why He Loves Andi and finds the cajones to ask Hy for his blessing. Ultimately, Hy doesn’t give him an especially hard time. Let’s remember, the last guy Hy met on national TV was Juan Pablo, a borderline sociopath. Nick is a god damn prince compared to JP. He gets the thumbs up to get down on one knee, and Nick leaves to go wring out his boxers.

Josh shows up, flashing all 400 of his teeth and chattering away. Hy picks up on his nervousness and just laughs and laughs. In that moment, all is right. Andi’s sister and brother in law prime Josh for his interrogation with Hy with some standard questions. I don’t remember his answers, because I was too busy deciding what I thought about Andi’s sister’s turtle tattoo.

Josh, too, wants Hy’s blessing. He says all the things he’s supposed to say and Hy gives him a somewhat tepid endorsement, reminding him that Andi’s “yes” is really the one he needs. I imagine that is how my dad would react to someone asking for his blessing to marry me. Basically “IDGAF what you ask her, she knows whether this is a good idea or not.” Josh makes it to the next round in the playoffs though, so he’s stoked.

The Dates

This is the finale, so we get two helpings of Josh and Nick tonight.

Josh and Andi are on a boat, likely because the Dominican Republic has requested that they stay the fuck away from the locals, lest they degrade their culture and traditions more. No biggie, these guys can do their favorite activities (talking in vague cliches about how much they like each other and frenching) anywhere.

They move this date to the couch and Josh has a gift for Andi. She unwraps an Andi Murray baseball card. It’s a pretty bold move to attach your last name to a girl who has not yet told you she loves you, but you don’t get screen time by playing it safe. To be honest, I thought the baseball card was kind of a cute idea, but I have to wonder how many other Atlanta biddies have been given personalized baseball cards by Josh. Regardless, Andi eats it up.

Andi tucks the baseball card under her pillow and gets ready for her date with Nick. They “offroad” to a remote beach-like spot, and get right to removing their clothes. I’m sure they talked about their feelings and shit, but all I could focus on was Nick’s Ken doll torso. There literally is not one hair on it. Guys, I can’t stop thinking about it.

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Nick, a beach ball, and a boombox

Nick and Andi put their shirts back on and get cozy on the couch. Nick makes a fifteen minute long, nonsensical toast to set a sexy tone for the night. I don’t remember what they talked about, because all I remember was the gift Nick gave to Andi. As a sign of his love for her, Nick gives Andi a necklace, with a small vial of sand AND A SHARK TOOTH on it.

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I just…no. I can’t. Of all the things that could have been my breaking point with this show, I really didn’t expect it to be this. I remember being in the Bahamas with my family when I was 9, seeing those necklaces for sale at the touristy market we were at, and thinking “Thanks, but no thanks, I’ll just get my island cornrows done and be on my way.” Frankly, it was generous of Andi not to just dump Nick right there on the spot. Girl actually put that necklace on and forced a smile. Respect.

A new day is upon us, and shit’s about to get “real.” Neil Lane, the poor guy, shows up with a case of his most gigantic jewels for Josh to paw through. Josh picks a whopper for Andi, and sends Neil on his way to Nick…

…or not. Nick, expecting Neil Lane, opens the door to a very anxious looking Andi. This is obviously going nowhere good. Nick’s ass promptly begins sweating. Andi says a lot, but the gist of it is “I’m dumping you.” It was a humane move on Andi’s part to put an end to this before Nick picked out a ring and attempted to get down on one knee. Nick is obviously blindsided by this, but has no choice but to pack his stuff and get on a plane home.

george michael bluth

The End

This makes the last ten minutes of the show rather anticlimactic, but we’ve already committed what feels like hundreds of hours to this show, so what’s another ten minutes. Josh steps out of the limo and he’s wearing a suit from the toddler’s section and it’s hilarious. This suit is working hard. I didn’t listen to most of Josh’s proposal, because I had my eye trained on that button, waiting for it to bust open and clip Andi in the head.

Josh launches into a speech that’s basically a rom-com cliche madlib. Andi finally tells Josh everything he’s been waiting to hear. They hold hands and rock back and forth, play the “No, I love YOU more” game, and I pantomime barfing through the whole thing.

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And that’s all, folks. Andi’s got a big ol’ rock on her finger, Josh’s job title now reads “Former Reality Show Doofus,” and Bukowski is busy looking for a new girl to stalk.

Thanks for playing along this season with us! We’ll see you back here for the next season of The Bachelor.

Speaking of…who are you hoping to see as the next Bachelor? Tell us in the comments!

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Season 10, Finale: Points

Update: Due to a complete lack of brain cells from watching The Bachelorette every week for two months, we originally published a mashup of last week’s and this week’s points. This post has been updated. 

Well, that wraps another season of the only show on television that puts your heartbroken ex on a tiny loveseat next to you so he can discuss your former (and short lived) sex life in front of America. Talk about one last fling before the ring, amiright? That was excruciating. I tucked my head into my neck.

At season’s end, I think it’s safe to say Andi was a breath of Bachelorette fresh air after the Juan Pablo fiasco last season, but she lost a lot of street cred in my book for acting so syrupy with Josh on After the Final Rose. Unless the show was filmed in an open air yurt in Greenland, Josh has no excuse for petting her shoulders that hard and for so long. And him giving in to her duck face with kisses? We’re all barfing at home and Nick just shot himself backstage, you mushy goons.

I was just glad Josh didn’t make the analogy between the ring he gave Andi and the World Series ring he always thought he’d get. Let’s be thankful for that (and for remnant memories of Nick’s naked torso) while we take a gander at the points tally for season 19’s finale.

Josh: 165 points (It’s outta here!) 

  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Going on a one on one date (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Giving Andi a gift (letter) (5 points)
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

Nick: 125 points. (He’s outta here.)

  • Talking about an ex-fiance or ex-wife (10 points)
  • Giving Andi a gift (5 points)
  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Going on a one on one date (20 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Eight weeks, 1 million hours and all your brain cells later, it turns out, Andi’s frown just needed a licking from Josh to turn it upside down.

Until next season,

K, B & J

P.S. Thank you for playing along with us this season! How’d you fare in your league?

P.P.S. Suggestions for next season? Tweet @bachfantasy.

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Men Tell All: Points

While there were no points scored two nights ago on the Men Tell All special, the event wasn’t without flourish. We had our first live Bachelor ultrasound, Chris Bukowski was halted mid stage dive, and they brought the lie detector results back. Of. Course. They. Did. Who wants to put money on Andi opening the results backstage? Her internal battle was apparent and said it all: she will read those results eventually, at night and in a closet of her now shared home.

Next season we’ll think about adding specific points categories for the Men Tell All episode. Here are our ideas for that so far:

Drafting a contestant who…

  • Gets a phone number or asked on a date during the episode
  • Admits to still being in love or not over the Bachelor/ette
  • Is featured in the bloopers reel

What other points category ideas do you have? Also, over under on Andi’s ring size. Go.

K, J, and B

P.S. Follow us on Twitter.

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Season 10, Episode 9: Recap

We kick off the fantasy suites by Andi walking us through what she likes and doesn’t like about each contestant, as if we have not watched this show for the past 8 weeks.

She calls Josh one of the most handsome men she’s ever seen: tall, sexy, with olive skin, and piercing blue eyes. “He’s got that personality that every woman is attracted to,” she says, proving why we need the feminist movement.

With Chris, she harps on and on about his manly farmer-ness and how “cute” he is, so this is how we know he’s going home tonight.

Nick’s One-on-One Time

Nick and Andi board a helicopter and go to a private island off the coast of the Dominican Republic. “This crystal clear beautiful blue water is just beautiful,” she informs the at-home viewer. So poetic. It’s like I’m there.  

Nick answers questions about his former engagement, saying that he was essentially in a depression for six months after his fiance called the wedding off. Andi loves that he’s opening up about his past, so to celebrate, they go snorkeling and wreak havoc on the ecosystem, like a pair of finned godzillas. As my fiance yelled at the TV, “You’re not supposed to touch the coral, ya fucks!”

Her scarf-loving suitor then reads a book to Andi, and it’s a fairy-tale version of the season so far. I would’ve personally preferred a medley of Frozen songs. “Do you wanna build a marriagggge?”

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They head off to the fantasy suite to Let It Go, if you catch my drift, but not before taking a quick detour to drape themselves against a palm tree and whisper, “I love you.”  

Josh’s One-on-One Time

The following day, Josh and Andi explore Santo Domingo and he recites the one line of high school Spanish he remembers when he sees Andi: “Hola! Que bonita!” They see a merengue band and they jump in to dance goofily to the music. Wouldn’t it be exhausting to be on this show? You have to be constantly Up For Anything, because the moment you let the facade slip, you’re probably going home for lack of enthusiasm. It’s like a two-month-long job interview, but with blue balls.

Andi then surprises him with an outing to a baseball diamond where a bunch of little leaguers are playing. Not pictured on camera: Josh in the dug-out, psyching himself up for the game and alternating between hysterical sobs and slapping himself repeatedly in the face, “COME ON, YOU CAN DO THIS, JOSH! THIS IS WHY DADDY LOVES AARON MORE!”

Josh says, “It means a lot to me that she pays attention to the things I enjoy.” Well, Josh, you’re about as one-dimensional as it gets; your love (or fear…?) of baseball is essentially the only thing we know about you. We didn’t have to pay close attention to learn that because you remind us of it in every. single. conversation. He’s as subtle as a prostitute in a saloon.

Josh is drunk with power as he pitches against fifth-graders because he can finally dominate the field. He mocks tackling the 11-year-old catcher at home plate, and I’m pretty sure that was take two. They can’t show the original take, because that first catcher is in the ICU of a hospital in Santo Domingo.

It’s only a game, Focker.

Hopped on endorphins and HGH, Josh tells Andi he loves her and informs the viewers at home that he’s “beyond love!” We’re so sure.

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Josh inquires Andi about what kind of a mom she will be. She says she’ll let her kids get away with stuff. Well, if these two end up together, those kids are gonna need some leeway. Because we already know what kind of a dad Josh will be. The scariest fucking dad ever. The dad who gets booted from his son’s Little League game for putting the ump in a chokehold.

They go back to the fantasy suites where Josh undoubtedly turns himself on by reenacting his highlight reel from the baseball game earlier.

Chris’ One-on-One Time

It’s time for Chris’ date. They’re on a gorgeous tropical island in the Caribbean and they manage to find the few squares of farmland, somewhere in the middle. that look like Iowa. Can’t the farmer catch a break? They go horseback riding and Andi reveals she’s terrified of horses, which bodes well for her future farm life.  

Next, they play a half-assed game of hide-and-seek, and Chris and Andi have less chemistry than most cousins do.

She lets Chris go, pulling down her pants and shitting all over his home state in the process. “It’s not you…it’s Iowa!” That’s a lot of smack talk for someone from Georgia, just saying.

Andi then blubbers on and on about how it’s actually not Iowa, it IS him, which is a real nice way to kick him when he’s down. Poor Chris just sits there and listens to her explain that she is just not that into him no less than five times. He is a real sweetheart about the whole thing and leaves with dignity, which is more than a lot of these bozos can say.

Now tell us, should we score the Men Tell All? 

It’s not you, it’s Iowa but also you,

J, B, and K

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Season 10, Episode 9: Points

Well, if anyone spots a plane dragging “Andi is a scum-sucking road whore who ruined my life” over Iowa, we know who’s behind it. Just kidding, that’s not how we talk on the farm. We said goodbye to Chris, but at least we get to look forward to Andi’s dad, Hy, interrogating Josh and Nick in two weeks.

Here’s where the guys stand moving into the finale:

Chris – 90 points (It’s going to be a lonely tractor ride home)

  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (2o points)
  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)

Josh – 160 points

  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (2o points)
  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Nick – 190 points

  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (2o points)
  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (1o points)
  • Talking about an ex-fiance (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Giving Andi a gift (5 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

P.S. If you think we made a mistake with any of the points, please let us know in the comments below. You may have caught something we didn’t.

You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address at the bottom of the page. Did you know we’re also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time.

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Season 10, Episode 8: Recap

This week we took a tour of the hometowns of the last bros standing. Moms plead their cases, sisters asked questions, brothers bonded, and dads were there…right? Let’s recap how each meet-the-parents date went.

Nick’s Hometown

First up, Nick is here to show us around Milwaukee. They wander through the Public Market and sample some local food. Any date that involves abundant food samples is A-okay in my book. They decided to get a little liquored up at a local brewery before meeting Nick’s family. Nick convinced the brewery to create a custom beer (or at least a custom tap…) in their honor: “Nick and Andi – The Perfect Brew.” The secret ingredient in this magic recipe? Fermented scarf fibers.

They head out to meet Nick’s family in Wauke$ha, WI. Am I the only one who didn’t know that Nick had one thousand siblings before tonight’s episode? They were one guitar away from becoming the Von Trapps. The Head Sister, Maria, questions both Nick and Andi with fairly predictable, though fair questions. Maria seems pretty smart and levelheaded, which means this is likely her first and last appearance on “The Bachelorette.”

The baby of the family steps up to cross-examine Andi. Bella asks, “What’s your favorite thing about my brother?” Andi replies, “We have a really good mental connection.” The eight year old has no idea what the fuck she’s talking about. I’m sorry, Andi, but the answer we were looking for is “He has a Razor scooter.” Bella proves to be a pretty useless investigator, as she forgets all of the questions she asked, but does succeed in being adorable.

Mom’s up next. Nick declares his love for Andi to his mom, who is supportive and wants him to be happy. She’s the first of four moms who seem unconcerned by the fact that Andi has three other boyfriends. Come on, moms. Do better.

Chris’s Hometown

Gas up the tractor, y’all, because we’re headed to Bumblefuck, IA to get a glimpse into Chris’s life. But really, Andi and Chris are actually going to ride a tractor. After a thrilling ride, they pick a nice patch of hay to sit on while they chat. Andi leads with a very reasonable question: What would she do for work here? Chris suggests that Andi, who is, at most, four years out of law school, be a homemaker. Andi doesn’t bite. Then Chris dangles the carrot of nearby Cedar Rapids, the glitzy metropolis just 60 miles away. Andi…still doesn’t bite.

Just in time to distract Andi from things that are actually important, the plane Chris hired flies by dragging a “Chris loves Andi” banner behind it. Homemaker, schomemaker. Suddenly Andi starts to think she could get used to this hay patch.

It’s family time now, and if you’re not wearing a statement necklace, you’re not getting a seat at this table. Chris’s family is pretty adorable. They playfully tease Chris and are generally cheerful. During their woman-to-woman chat, Mama offers to babysit Chris and Andi’s future children and they walk back to the group holding hands. Basically, they’re besties.

The night ends with some good ol’ fashioned fun. The grown ups all head outside to play Ghost in the Graveyard, not acknowledging the fact that the camera and lighting equipment following each of them make “hiding” a joke . SOMEHOW Andi finds Chris and they make out behind something metal. If you’re playing grownup hide and seek and don’t seize the opportunity to tongue your boo, you’re doing it wrong. Despite the large role that hay played in their day, Andi leaves Iowa looking pretty smitten.

Josh’s Hometown

We’re going to Trampa, FL next and I hope you brought your cleats. First stop is a baseball field. Wait, Josh plays baseball?!?! Josh pitches while Andi hits. She breaks a bat and Josh feels threatened, so he quickly puts an end to game time. While they’re chatting in the dugout, Josh drops in that he hasn’t played baseball in seven years, which begs the question: what the shit have you been doing for the past seven years? Wiping Aaron’s butt? Surely there is a statute of limitations on how long you qualify as a former something. By Josh’s logic, my LinkedIn profile could describe me as a “Fomer Girl Scout” or “Former Braces Wearer.”

Next on The Bachelorette SportsCenter, it’s the Aaron Murray Show. Josh’s brother, Aaron, is a current college football player and has been preparing for the NFL draft, so STFU about your quest for eternal love, Josh. Josh is the most likeable he’s been all season when he’s greeted by his dog. That dog loves on him hard, and it’s basically the only attention Josh is going to get all day.

But, let’s not forget why we’re all here: to learn about how Andi feels about Aaron’s football career. Josh’s dad asks if Andi is ready to become a card-carrying member of the Aaron Murray fan club and come to games every Sunday. “Yes,” Andi lies.

Later it’s time for all the pretty people to play touch football. The whole thing is only a few pairs of madras shorts away from a Ralph Lauren ad.

Marcus’s Hometown

Last but not least (except, spoiler alert, he is the least), we begin our tour of Dallas in Marcus’s Mercedes, because of course. Someone write that license plate number down, because if Andi goes missing at the end of this episode, we know whose trunk to check.

Marcus drives Andi past a lot of things that might actually be interesting to see from outside of a car, in order to take her to a dark lounge in the middle of the day. Who doesn’t love a surprise, one-on-one striptease while the sun is still out? Marcus reprises his sailor striptease, and I am simply not drunk enough to watch Marcus strut around in his panties for a second time this season.

Marcus puts his clothes back on and takes Andi back to meet his family. While talking to Marcus’s sister, Andi admits that she worries that she won’t catch up to Marcus’s rather, um, intense feelings. Given that it took Marcus about five minutes to declare Andi the love of his life, that’s fair.

Back to LA

With that, the hometown dates are over and back to LA we go. The men all show up to Chris Harrison’s house and the mood is quiet and uncomfortable as they wait for Andi. Once she arrives, Chris tells them that Eric Hill was in an accident and passed away. I guess it’s my fault for expecting ABC to take the high road, but it feels so disrespectful to Eric and the actual relationships that those on the show had with him to film their reactions like this.

Understandably, the mood for the remainder of the episode is somber, and Andi struggles to hold it together. The three roses go to Josh, Chris, and Nick, leaving Marcus to regret that second striptease in a major way.
Pack your sexiest scarf, it’s fantasy suite time,

-B, J, K

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Season 10, Episode 7: Recap

It’s one week before Andi brings four dudes home to get that warm fuzzy welcome her dad, Hy, showed off last season. Luckies.

Hy

At the start of the week, Chris Harrison stops by the guys’ hotel room in Belgium to chat, and apparently he didn’t get the light scarf memo.

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Nick takes Chris’s visit as a cue to mention, again, that he feels good about where he stands with Andi.

The first one-on-one date goes to Marcus.

Andi and Marcus’s date is boring, kind of like this whole show right now. They meander the streets of Ghent and nod their heads at people speaking French at them. In other old news, Marcus is in love with Andi.

Andi busts out the resting duck face/frown of doom while Marcus explains his daddy issues and opens up about tough times with mom too. Okay, I feel bad. Andi whips out her favorite compliment, calling Marcus “a man.” They swap spit near what looks like an old, brick fence.

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Back at the hotel Josh gets the second one-on-one date.

Later that night, after Andi and Marcus have swapped enough spit to make a baby and said goodbye, Nick goes Bukowski on us and breaks the rules. Dude has had enough of his girl dating other dudes. He heads downstairs and asks the hotel receptionist for a key to his “wife’s hotel room,” never mind these cameras and the reservation you have for the six bros under “The Bachelorette.” But I mean, persistence is flattering, so whatevs. At least he’s giving us something to perk up about.

Andi looks pretty shocked to see Nick at her door. She mentions to the cameras that it feels a bit unfair, but then she goes with it. They go for a walk. Nick gushes. Andi listens. She calls their relationship passionate, so much so that they have to lean up against a tree while they kiss.

The next day Andi basically takes Gaston on the date she planned for Marcus: walking and eating about town, only this time they follow a flock of ducks. When in Ghent.

Josh sums up the date by calling it “literally phenomenal.” Cool it, double rainbow.

Just as I announce that if they have one more dinner in one more castle or other municipal building, I’m gonna fast forward to the blooper reel at the end (my favorite part of this damn show), they enter a damn castle.

Inside Andi is begging with her eyes–and mouth–for Josh to tell her that he loves her. Gaston finally drops the “falling in love with you” bomb and Andi puts on her best surprise face.

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Cut to them dancing for way too long to a country song only they seem happy to be listening to. Good thing I got dis on the DVR. Ba-doop, ba-doop.

The group date is at a ruins site. Dylan attempts to wax poetic saying he hopes his and Andi’s love can withstand the test of time just like…the ruins?

To get to their date destination, the boys jump aboard a rail bike and pedal Andi to an Abbey, where kissing is banned. And Nick didn’t like group dates before!

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It’s too bad too because there’s a bunch of things around to lean up against while making out.

Turns out the abbey also has crafts. Chris and Andi do pottery, if only to fulfill her helps-from-behind pottery man fantasy. I swear they sit down and decide which romcom stuff they’ll incorporate into each season before the show even begins. We’ll do pool lessons early on, horsebacking riding before hometowns, and seal the deal with hot air balloon ride over the grand canyon, straight into a wedding chapel.

Andi’s got a surprise for the group daters. She’s handing out the group date rose halfway through the date and the other guys will be dismissed thereafter. So, Brian changes his game plan after learning that whoever gets the rose on the group date gets to stay and have a mini one-on-one date with Andi. He tells her that’s he’s falling for her.

Then it’s Nick’s turn and he talks more about being certain he’s going to hometowns.

The guys look rull sad and scared when Andi picks up the rose that guarantees the hometown date. Nick gets it and he as happy as the other guys are pii-iissed.

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As if leaving their archenemy to date their girlfriend isn’t bad enough, Chris, Brian and Dylan squeeze into the back seat of their ride home like three brothers in the back of the station wagon.

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Andi has a fireworks show waiting for Nick.

Then shit goes down at the hotel. The other guys are at their wit’s end with Nick and his strategizing to win pep talks. When Nick gets home they are fired up, but no one says anything for a good while. Brian breaks the awkward silence and then the rest of the brochachos who aren’t Nick chime in. They reveal that Nick’s watched the entire past season to try to figure out the game, which I think gives us the first insight into what Nick behaviors rub these guys the wrong way. So far I’ve thought they were just doing a good job of creating drama out of thin air, like their ABC contract asks of them.

On the final night in Ghent, Nick continues with the jerk moves and interrupts Brian’s one-on-one date with Andi. Brian is too nice about it; he says nothing.

Next up, Nick bawls his eyes out in a confessional about how excited he is to bring Andi home to his friends and family, and it’s official: it’s Bukowski in a Nick suit.

Chris has one more thing to say before the rose ceremony, so he leads her outside, and it turns out it’s his tongue that does the talking.

Then it’s rose ceremony time.

It’s goodbye time for Brian and Dylan and neither of them take it well. All I want to do is hug Brian when he finds out he’s not going any further. Dylan mentions that the show doesn’t lend itself to guys like him that take a little longer to open up. These poor men. Why would anyone sign up for this show?

You all are frontrunners in my eyes,
K, J & B

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Season 10, Episode 7: Points

Here is how the points shook out last night, on the last leg before Hometowns. Things are about to get good, y’all (hopefully—TBH, this show has been a bit of a snooze as of late).

Brian – 30 points (warm up the bus, coach)

  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you”  to Andi (20 points)
    • Note: I was waiting for moisture and it never really materialized on his cheeks. Damn you, Brian, I could’ve used those crying on camera points!

Chris – 115 points

  • Being selected go go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Andi (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Andi (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay on another week (25 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)

Dylan – 40 points (taking his ponytail back to New England)

  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Using the phrase “steal Andi away” during group date (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)

Josh – 130 points

  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Andi (20 points)
  • Kissing Andi (10 points)
  • Dancing at a concert (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)

Marcus – 130 points

  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Andi (20 points)
  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Kissing Andi (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)

Nick – 145 points

  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Andi (20 points)
  • Kissing Andi (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)

Toasting you with a big glass of pickle juice,

J, K, and B

P.S. If you think we made a mistake with any of the points, please let us know in the comments below. You may have caught something we didn’t.

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Season 10, Episode 6: Recap

Opening scene: Boatload of bros, wearing shirts the color of sherbet, sail into a Venetian harbor. They collectively whoop and holler when they see Piazza San Marco, as if it were a woman who just flashed her sweater puppies at them. A few hundred miles south, the Pope shudders involuntarily and doesn’t know why.

Andi greets them near a canal. They do a long, drawn-out bit in which Andi announces the first date begins NOW, and various contestants begin musing to the camera that it will definitely be Cody’s date because he is the only one who hasn’t gotten a one-on-one yet. I speak fluent Bachelorese, so I understood that this means Cody is totally fucked.

The one-on-one date goes to Nick, and I feel drunk with power and knowledge. Nick flashes a turd-eating grin and pretty much cannonballs into a nearby gondola to play Casanova for Andi. For the first time in this season (but not the last time in this episode), I feel bad for Mackleroid. Andi then helpfully reminds the viewers that this is her journey for love, and not these effing Crayola-hued bros’ journey so everyone can go pound it. I bet she’ll be a total dream to plan a wedding with.

Renee from Juan Pablo’s season interrupts our lovefest to deliver a wooden performance during an infomercial about the benefits of using Suave shampoo. “Wow, Marcus. I wish I had this look on the show,” she montones, reading off a teleprompter with her eyes half-closed.

The boys then do their own infomercial for the glorified Super 8 Motel that they’re staying at in Venice. I believe it’s Josh who says unenthusiastically, “Look at these amenities: the balcony. Look at this view.” The camera pans to a busted rooftop and more hotels. Try harder.

One-On-One Date with Nick

Nick and Andi stroll around Venice and eat pizza in an alley where someone likely peed the night before. They let pigeons land on their heads because they’ve seen movies where other boneheads do that in Italy. They’re rowed around in the gondola. This is my nightmare job: rowing tourists around canals while they attempt to suck each other’s faces off. Pass.

They change into their black-tie formalwear (which one always packs when one travels to Europe) and meet up again. Andi rows up to Nick in a gondola holding up one of those sequined masks. It’s already played out and we’re three seconds into this date. Andi confronts Nick about the House Dramz, re: the other bois hating on him. Andi needs her bae to be liked by everybody. She straight-up asks him, “Do you think you’re the frontrunner?”

He dances around the question with a non-answer, passes the interview, and gets the rose. They don sequined masks and go to a masquerade “ball,” which consists entirely of the two of them.

Andi gets a note from her secret admirer, Chris Bukowski, who’s been riding around in gondolas shouting her name and attempting to track her down so he can introduce her to his good friend, a chloroform-soaked handkerchief. Then Josh, Brian, Dylan, Marcus, JJ, and Chris get the group date, which means Cody will finally get his first one-on-one.

Group Date

The boys visit Castello de Monselice, which Andi’s dad Hy has rented out as an interrogation chamber, a la Gitmo. Andi introduces Tony Soprano and his associate Silvio Dante who will administer a lie detector test. The color drains from most of the dudes’ faces. I’m strangely excited for the first time in many episodes.

Josh panics about all the biddies he’s banged back in his “pro” baseball days and talks strategy about how to beat the lie detector. It’s exactly like watching a panicky employee after being told he’s about to be randomly drug tested. “Dude, pee in this cup for me! Seriously, dude, you have to!”

Dylan reveals that he doesn’t wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom and that he’s slept with more women than he has fingers and toes. I cringed because everyone else’s embarrassing answers seemed to end up on the cutting room floor. C’mon producers, at least spread the humiliation around. Dylan fakes a stomach ache to go back to the hotel so he doesn’t have to see Andi’s reaction to the test results. After he leaves, Tony Soprano delivers the packet o’ lies and she decides she’s going to rip them up. Bo-ring. I wanna know Josh’s number.

They go to dinner and Josh gets super-sketchy and tells Andi how happy he is that she ripped up the lie detector results. He feeds her the same old BS lines (it’s like a Madlib with the words “trust” and “like”) and she calls him on it. Chris the Farmer reveals that he’s the secret admirer who’s been writing her letters but stays mum about the fact that he’s been engaged before. He gets the rose. JJ needlessly freaks out about the potential of going home tomorrow. Foreshadowing.

One-on-One Date with Cody

Andi tries to think of something nice to say about Cody before their one-on-one date in Verona and the best she can come up with is: “His eyes are so green! They pop!” I laughed. Rut roh. He’s like a big, sweet, dumb dog, who’s super enthusiastic but not firing on all cylinders. So of course he gets the date where they have to respond to letters addressed to Juliet. I was genuinely afraid that he wouldn’t be able to read or write. But he proved me wrong; he actually wrote a really sweet response and seemed like a genuine and kind dude under all those sinews and veins.

It was downright cruel watching Cody and Andi’s dinner unfold. Homeboy needs a lesson in body language. Cody’s talking about bringing her home to meet his parents, rolling around with her (?), how she’s going to fall even more in love with him as time goes on…and Andi’s literally crying and not making eye contact. She flips the switch on the electric chair, and Cody leaves on a surprisingly dignified note. I hope he finds a kind woman to guard that puppy dog heart of his.

Even with Cody gone, Andi still has one cut left to make. Since she ripped up the lie detector results, she has no idea that Dylan is walking around with pee-stained hands most of the time, so he makes it through for another week (though we predict it will be his last). In the end, she lets JJ go. It’s probably for the best—now he can spend more time with his pants.

T-minus two weeks til Hometown Dates. Let the Hunger Games begin,

J

 

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Season 10, Episode 5: Recap

We’re back, everyone, and we’re in Marseille. The bros immediately exhaust their French vocabulary shouting “BONJOUR!” and “MERCI!” as they run through the streets of Marseille. A French date card arrives, and JJ no comprende. Gaston, er, Josh, is the lucky guy to score some one-on-one time with Mademoiselle Andi.

Andi and Gaston

But, first, Chris Harrison interrupts this broadcast for a pointless interview with Andi, during which she confesses that she is falling in love AND with more than one guy. Phew. Surely the producers have legally required her to fall in love with no fewer than three men after the disaster that Juan Pablo caused with his lukewarm feelings and jackassery.

Josh and Andi cruise the Mediterranean out to some rock formation with a view that isn’t ugly. Andi shares with us that she is feeling cautious with Josh because she’s been burned by professional athletes she’s dated before. I’m so sure. (Side note: this is the female equivalent of a dude saying, “Yeah, I’ve dated a couple models and actresses before.”) Josh drops in the most obnoxious #humblebrag ever about only being a “second round pick,” and Andi indulges it. Barf. Barf on all of it.

liz lemon eyeroll

 

They really bach-ed it up on this date—private boat ride, chatting on a mountain-like formation, dinner at a palace, and a private concert. All that ca$h money they saved by frolicking in a WNBA arena in Connecticut was blown on this one date. To put the cherry on top of this cliche sundae, Andi decides now is the time to talk about Feelings and Past Relationships, in the shallow way only Bachelor contestants know how. She declares today the day she figures Josh out, because a thorough character assessment usually only takes a few hours.

I’ve always found that the most reliable way to know if someone is a shitty person is to simply ask them. Shitheads are notoriously honest about their own shitheadiness. She essentially asks him, he says no, and then they smooch. She knows he isn’t under oath, right? Where is her lawyer windbreaker now? Anyway, case closed?

While Andi and Josh are on their date, a storm is a-brewin’ back at the Bro Chateau. JJ and Nick share with Marquel that they overheard Andrew refer to Marquel and Ron as “blackies” during an earlier rose ceremony. Marquel is understandably upset by this and debates whether or not to confront Andrew. He decides to hold off until after the group date.

Lucky for Marquel, the group date involves miming, which is up there with punching things and screaming into a pillow as an anger relief technique. Les bros continually talk about how bad they are at miming, which is really the only proof point we need that they’re bad mimes. The first rule of miming is that you never talk about miming.

We all know that it’s only a matter of time before they take this act to the streets because: duh. They’re all very nervous because, as Patricks reminds us, “The French take their miming very seriously.” Do they, though? No wonder this show is consistently accused of racism; the producers always attempt to distill other cultures down to one outdated stereotype.

Marquel turns out to be a very talented mime, Cody mimes hitting on a very underage girl , and Nick is a whiny baby because he doesn’t want to mime and wants to be alone with Andi. This is The Bachelorette, Nicholas. Your girlfriend is going to have ten other boyfriends and you will be expected to publicly humiliate yourself. Shut up and nut up.

It’s time for the drinking portion of the date (Andi’s favorite). JJ, the most cheerful pantsapreneur this show has seen, sneaks Andi out for a quick ferris wheel ride and it’s pretty cute. However, things are heating up with the rest of the guys, because Cody just can’t take any more of Nick parading around the house like he’s the frontrunner for Andi’s heart. Nick could not care less that anyone thinks he is kind of a smug dick, probably because he IS a front runner and Mackleroid could not be less of a threat. Nick’s indifference only fuels Cody’s roid rage. And you wouldn’t like Cody when he’s angry…

hulk

Cody can barely contain himself when he gets one-on-one time with Andi and starts blabbing about Nick before Andi even sits down. Andi confronts Nick about this, and admits he mocked Cody. Now what? Ugh, do we even care. I need more wine.

Andi wonders to the camera if Nick is just being manipulative by readily owning up to the teasing, which is a fair question and one of the more astute insights a Bachelorette has made on this show. Nick doesn’t let her entertain that thought too long and distracts her with some original writing. It’s the verbal equivalent of “Look! Something shiny!” He reads her a poem (is it a poem?) and Andi slips him some tongue. That’s how every poetry reading I’ve ever attended has ended, too.

Marquel approaches Andrew about the alleged racist comments he made. Andrew nervously laughs and vehemently denies ever saying anything like that. It’s as uncomfortable as you’d expect it to be, and not incredibly productive in the end. Marquel doesn’t push it much further, and handles the whole thing pretty maturely. #MarquelForBachelor

JJ gets the rose on the group date. IS89sfggg09ipofdk0. I’m sorry, I just fell asleep on my keyboard. Let’s move on.

It’s finally time for Brian’s one-on-one date with Andi, after he had nothing but ‘net on the Connecticut group date. Things start off well—they promote a new movie, whose name I already forget, by eating popcorn and cuddling in a quaint French “movie theater.” The best part of this date is Brian trying to stifle his laughter at the flaccid piece of asparagus they show on the screen at one point. I laughed too, Brian. Call me.

Because the people in the movie cooked and fell in love, Andi and Brian have to cook in order to fall in love, too. It’s really that simple. They stroll through the French markets, pick up some sea urchins and frog legs, which are widely accepted as aphrodisiacs, and head back to the kitchen to cook a romantic meal.

During this part of the date, Brian flatlines a bit. He is clearly stressed about cooking this meal, and according to Andi doesn’t sneak in enough kisses or pay enough attention to her. Forgive the guy for not sneaking up behind you for a kiss while you were wielding a butcher’s knife. Also, maybe let Brian be a normal human male who is capable of experiencing a wide range of emotions and thoughts? Not an automatron set to smile, kiss, tell her this journey is incredible, repeat.

Once he’s got a hot meal in him (not the one they cooked, that one tasted like garbage), Brian comes back to life. He relies on his tried-and-true tactic of pulling Andi by the hand to a second location and kissing her. It works. He gets the rose.

Back at base camp, Andi’s hair is full of secrets. She tells Chris Harrison that she doesn’t need a cocktail party. Her mind is made up—she is dropping the guillotine on THREE dudes tonight.

andi hair

We say goodbye to Patrick (ok, bye, who cares), Andrew (no one will miss you), and Marquel (NO PLEASE), and Cody hangs on for another week. File that under “Things I Don’t Get,” along with how the internet works and why Steve Harvey is famous.

“We got our mime on our money and our money on our mime”,
-B, J, and K

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