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Season 12 Episode 1: Recap

Buckle up, friends, it’s going to be a drunk season. Following in the footsteps of this season’s fresh crop, I’m 1.5 Bloody Marys deep and ready to get down to some snarking. Since a narrative recap of the premiere would really just boil down to a list of guys named James getting out of a limo to embarrass themselves, we decided to mix things up – yearbook style.

 

Class of Season 12 Superlatives

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Most Likely to Bench Press the Bachelorette: Alex

Alex is a short guy with big muscles. He’s already done pushups with JoJo on his back. He’s got something to prove and he’s using his muscles to prove it.

Most Likely to Have a Panic Attack on a One-On-One Date: Ali

Ali was adorably nervous during the whole premiere. He loosened up a bit while playing the piano (or maybe he’d had eight cocktails by then), but Ali is one tightly wound little Mozart.

Most Likely to Get the Axe Next Week: Brandon

Brandon is one of the contestants with a ridiculous “job”, but unlike most of them he has the personality of a used q-tip. Unless things get pretty hipstery next week, Brandon will probably find himself with a lot of time for Instagramming latte art and cruising around on his fixed-gear bike.

Most Likely to Leave the Season with a Restraining Order: Chad

Chad wasted no time establishing himself as the season villain, and it looks like his rage train is on the express track. If Chad were an emoji, he’d be the red-faced guy with a couple of flexed biceps on the side.

Most Likely to Stick Around Despite Having a Below Average Personality: Chase

Chase is attractive and doesn’t seem like a total psychopath. He’ll be here for a while, despite seeming pretty vanilla.

Most Likely to be a Relatively Normal, Nice Guy: Christian

Despite the fact that this dude regularly wakes up in the middle of the night to do crossfit or whatever, I think we may actually have a nice person on our hands here. He’s gainfully employed, keeps his two brothers alive, and hasn’t revealed a pathological rage problem yet. 5/5 stars.

Most Likely to be a Group Date Allstar: Derek

Derek seems fine. I predict that he will go on every group date, playing nice with the other guys (perhaps even showing them the ropes – “So we’re going to compete in this sushi making competition, and then the losing half of the group will have to hitchhike back to the mansion.”), but probably not make much headway with JoJo one-on-one. There are worse Bachelorette fates, Derek.

Most Likely to be Unemployable After This Show: Daniel

Daniel is the season buffoon, here to keep us entertained with the right mixture of shameless ego and minimal self-awareness. Daniel has already defeated the odds by getting a rose despite shedding his clothes and drunkenly belly flopping into the pool on night one, so he’s got more time to embarrass himself before he’s cut.

Most Likely to Worry About Shrinkage: Evan

Evan’s calling in life is to help dudes get boners. Given how many of the Bach leisure and date activities involve swimming, he’s probably mainlining testosterone as we speak.

Most Likely to be a Dark Horse: Grant

Grant was on my short list to draft and I swapped him at the last minute for some White Dude With Stubble™ because history. Now I kind of regret it. I think Grant could stick around.

Most Likely to be Torn Apart by the Fashion Police: James F.

I’m still not over the black shirt and red tie combo. Probably won’t ever get over it. I know Joan Rivers would be on my side here.

Most Likely to Shit His Pants in Chris Harrison’s Presence: James S.

James lives for The Bachelor franchise and his little Ken doll brain couldn’t even compute sharing space with legends like Chris Harrison and Jake Pavelka.

Most Likely to Bring an Acoustic Guitar to the Hot Tub: James Taylor

Please, don’t.

Most Likely to Have a Target on His Back: Jordan

Jordan wasted no time charming the pants off JoJo (not literally, give it a few episodes, guys) and establishing himself as the early front runner. He’s a former pro athlete, attractive, and likable (though his ex has given us something to think about), which means he’s public enemy #1 in the Bach mansion. Sleep with one eye open, Jordan.

Most Likely to Cry it Out: Luke

Luke’s intro featured him somberly discussing his military service. There’s no way this will not come up during an emotional conversation over a dinner that no one will eat.

Most Likely to Surprise Us: Nick B.

Nick B. showed up in a Santa costume. And stayed in a Santa costume. And beat his “Jo Jo Jo” joke to death for two hours wearing a Santa costume. Despite all that, JoJo was into him. Rereading his bio, he may be normal enough to actually have some longevity in this circus.

Most Likely to Bore the Hell Out of Us: Robby

Robby checks the Bach boxes: styled hair, conventionally attractive, slightly murdery eyes, mildly successful athlete at some point in his life, etc. He may also have less personality than a box of hair. TBD.

Most Likely to Be Hungover the Whole Season: Vinny

Vinny was one of the Three Musketeers who earned themselves some visible drunkenness points during Monday’s premiere. I have a feeling that is going to be Vinny’s legacy on this show. Not feeling too confident that he’s going to reinvent himself before he gets booted.

Most Likely to Bring Ginuwine to the Fantasy Suite: Wells

Wells set the bar high by showing up on night one and wooing JoJo with some sweet 90s slow jams. I think Wells is in it for the long haul, and he’s got to top All-4-One.

Most Likely to Knock Teeth with JoJo While Kissing: Will

Poor Will. His cootie catcher kiss gimmick could have been cute, but unfortunately he and JoJo had chemistry roughly equal to that of most first cousins. There could be hope for Will yet, but he’s climbing an uphill battle.

Most Likely to Speak Up During Men Tell All Despite being on the Show for 40 Seconds: Coley, Jake, Jonathan, Sal, Peter, Nick B.

These guys came for their 15 minutes and damnit they’re gonna get it.

Which superlative categories do you think we missed? Tell us in the comments!

 

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Season 20, Episode 7: Recap

This week had us heading to the bustling metropolis of Warsaw, Indiana (population: 14,042).

I never understand why some seasons of “The Bachelor” have seemingly unlimited budgets (grand tours of Europe, expensive dates spent dangling from the sides of tall structures) and other seasons seem to be funded directly out of my own checking account. We’ve had too many lackluster dates this season in terribly boring places. In this episode, one date is LITERALLY standing in a field near a barn and flying a kite, then rowing a rickety old pile of firewood around a pond for a couple of laps. If I paid money for this movie, I’d ask for a refund.

Isn’t the whole non-ironic point of “The Bachelor” to be escapist? It’s hard to indulge in the fantasy of finding love in a six-week whirlwind romance when the dates are the kind that I went on in college, where the single goal was: “How can I spend the LEAST amount of money possible and still have a marginally enjoyable time?” Just kidding, I didn’t go on any dates in college.

We’re treated to a montage of Ben driving around his all-American hometown in a vintage red pick-up truck. This is the stuff Ted Cruz’s wet dreams are made of. They act like Ben still lives in Warsaw even though he took the first train outta that one-stoplight town the moment he turned 18.

Remember, the Bachelor always needs a shtick. Chris Soules: Farmer Joe. Juan Pablo: Latin American sex god with the interior of a philandering, middle-aged real estate developer. Ben: 1950s-esque All-American Quarterback from Small Town USA. Basically, Ben grew up tall, and he grew up right, with them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights.

While the ladies wait on a nearby dock, Ben is shown cruising across the lake at a sensible speed in a giant pontoon, like a geriatric James Bond. Caila, who has moved 17 times but apparently never near a lake, attempts to stop the boat with her biceps and is nearly knocked off the dock in the process. We were thisclose to medical attention points.

Lauren B. gets the first frugal date, which consists of Ben driving her ass around town in a pick-up and waving at the people he could not wait to move far, far away from. While riding, he points out his high school and Lauren B. asks him what position he played on the football team. He could NOT contain his smile when he answered, “Quarterback” and I donno, maybe at that moment, I bought into this Small Town USA fantasy too.

Lauren and Ben shoot hoops and play recess games with local chickadees. After they kiss, one kid says to the camera, “Lauren and Ben did the smushy smushy.”

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Ronny, the Half-Court King of Warsaw came down from his castle to dunk a half-court shot and the coach LOST HIS MIND. Then Ben, former local quarterback, calls in some favors and the Indiana Pacers come through the door—several men with either the first name or the surname George. Lauren says she can really appreciate the Pacers because she used to play basketball.

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Ben and JoJo go to Wrigley Field on the next one-on-one. As a Chicagoan, I’m annoyed that this corn-fed Hoosier boy is claiming WRIGLEY FLIPPIN’ FIELD as part of his “Special Places in his Hometown” Grand Tour. Wrigley is 128 miles from Warsaw.

JoJo is chattering away on the pitcher’s mound. Ben steps up to the plate and is like, “Seriously, just shut up for a second, lady” and he tries to block her from his line of vision. He says this has been a dream of his for 26 years and he wants to pretend she’s not here.

JoJo has potential as the next bachelorette, non? She has a good amount of personality and sass (I think).

Everyone’s pissed on the group date. Caila, Amanda, and Becca accompany Ben to a random field, where the frugal date is: flying a kite. I’d be like, “Seriously, fuck this, I’ll be in the limo scrolling through Instagram if you need me.”

Caila expresses a fear about not having Deep Roots because her family has moved 17 (!!!) times throughout her life. She makes a weird metaphor about being a moss who wants to find a tree to stick to? She’s just a moss-girl, standing in front of a tree-man, asking him to let her grow on him.

Becca isn’t really digging the show anymore. She liked it better when Farmer Chris was basically begging her to love him. She asks Ben not to blindside her. Spoiler alert: Ben blindsides her.

The group date rose goes to Amanda so she is rewarded with extra one-on-one time. She can barely conceal her disappointment when the evening’s date is revealed to be…SERVING MCDONALD’S IN A DRIVE-THRU. It’s such a thinly veiled promotion for McDonald’s new all-day breakfast menu. Here’s your future in Warsaw, Amanda: being the prettiest girl at the drive-thru window. I feel like The Bachelor really sold its soul down the river for this product placement.  

Amanda and Ben then stroll through a carnival, which has since been ruined for me because I read an article that stated the Bach producers set the carnival up solely for the show. They apparently charged these townies $25 a pop to get in and ogle at the mere presence of two people who have lived outside of Warsaw, Indiana.

The last one-on-one date goes to Emily, and their cheap-ass date is literally just meeting Ben’s parents, which is next door to where the girls are staying. Because yeah, the girl you want to bring home to meet Ma and Pa is the 23-year-old aspiring NFL cheerleader/identical twin from Las Vegas. Ill-advised, Benjamin. Mrs. Higgins actually wept at the prospect of Emily becoming her daughter-in-law.

When Ben lets Emily go, all the girls burst into tears on the couch, hugging her and crying together. Clearly she was a house favorite. She certainly seems like the funnest girl on your dorm floor. Probably not ready to enter a legally binding lifelong contract, though. 

In the end, we say goodbye to Becca too. Better luck next season, Becs.

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Season 20, Episode 5: Recap

People in the Twitterverse are complaining that Ben, is bland but I think he is suffering from a major case of Being Aware That the Camera is Always On. Remember America, it could always be worse.

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The Bachgaggle descends on Mexico. They frolic thru Mexico City with the carefree innocence of people who don’t read the news and have never heard of El Chapo. These broads feel more excited about a hotel room with some queen size beds and a bidet than I’ve felt about anything in my life. And I’ve seen Beyonce thrice.

Amanda gets the first one-on-one. Ben sneaks into the hotel and wakes up the ladies at 3 a.m. Lauren H. is wearing a retainer that she not-so-subtly pulls out when the camera is pushed into her face. (I mean, good for her. Teeth shift as you age and braces are expensive. If Ben’s into frugality, maybe she’ll earn some marks.)

To be honest, I don’t like the mandatory “Sneak in and wake up the ladies early to catch them without makeup!” routine that the Bachelor always does. It feels very, “Let’s look under the hood of this Ferrari and see what we’re REALLY dealing with!”

And you’re kind of screwed either way, right? Either you wear full stage makeup and hair to bed and you look like a tryhard Disney princess, or you go to bed with a washed face like a normal person and Men’s Rights Activists (lollll) explode with glee on Twitter that “HA WE KNEW IT YOU’RE A NORMAL GIRL and women alwayz be trapping men this way!”

Regardless, Amanda is in full makeup. I saw LIPGLOSS. Either a producer tipped her off or she goes to bed camera-ready every night while on The Bachelor. It makes me feel sad.

They go up in a hot air balloon. Amanda talks about her deadbeat ex, who preferred to go out and party in SoCal rather than stay at home with his wife and two young daughters. Not excusing his behavior in any way (don’t have kids if you’re not prepared to be a dad), but he was probably 23 when this all went down. At 23, I could barely keep a houseplant alive let alone a marriage. This is a case of Too Much Too Soon.

The group date heads to a Spanish lesson and then onto a cooking class. “Who doesn’t like to eat food on dates?” asks Ben, to which I answer, “Every contestant on this show, but thanks for trying.”

Olivia is a pariah who does everything short of curb-stomping Jubilee to claim Ben as her cooking partner. She asserts to the camera that she loves Ben and that they have a secret love language all their own. Love is a two-way street and Olivia is hitchhiking all by herself along the side of Higgins Highway.

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The contestants pair off and cook a gourmet meal that will be judged by this cute pair of Mexican chefs who sass the contestants a bit. (“This looks like dog food,” said the female chef, in reference to Olivia and Ben’s creation.) The female chef has the most personality of anyone on this show, and now I want her to be the next Bachelorette.

JoJo prepared a taco dish AND a lengthy monologue positively riddled with innuendo. “My taco is amazing. Ben already tasted my taco and he loved it,” she says with a completely straight face.

Jubilee is in a funk the entire date, which is often the kiss of death. Never brood on the Bach. Ya gotta be on. You have 6.5 days a week to be “off” and a couple of hours mandatory to be “on.” You have to be the Grand Marshal of the Pollyanna parade. It sucks, because it’s not how it is in real life, but them’s the breaks. Accordingly, Jubes is sent home early. Fare thee well, my dear.

In a strange twist, Olivia gets the group date rose. “You don’t even have to say congrats, you don’t even have to say it,” she assures the other contestants, with less self-awareness than my dog.

Lauren H., the low-key racist,  gets the next one-on-one. They casually pop into a Mexican boutique and, before we know it, they are invited to participate in Mexican Fashion Week. It’s almost like it was planned.

Though she is sweet, I’m not sure Lauren H. has emotionally graduated from college. She could still easily pass as the vice president of any sorority, anywhere.

Ben: “Have you ever modeled?” 

Lauren: “Well, I can’t keep a straight face”

That’s not answering the question. No, Lauren H. from Michigan, you have never modeled. Like, just say it, it’s okay. Most of us haven’t either.

“There’s no one here who looks as beautiful as you,” monotones Ben. She wobbles down the catwalk, blinking rapidly but holding her own. From where I stand, the key to modeling (other than letting your hips enter the room about three seconds before the rest of your body) is to give zero fucks. ZERO. You’re so bored. You’re so hot that these unwashed masses are LUCKY that they’re paying to see you strut in front of them.

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Ben served up some Blue Steel realness and he tapped into that slightly cocky, I know I’m hot model face. LET’S DIP INTO THAT WELL MORE, SHALL WE?

Lauren H. shares a “sob story” about some frat bro who cheated on her when she was 19. (So last year…) She gets the rose but she isn’t long for this world.

The cocktail party is a little tense. Olivia keeps rubbing her face with her rose and the girls are not about it. To try and build some goodwill, Olivia responds to Amanda talking about her children by commenting that “it’s like Teen Mom.”

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When Amanda is appropriately offended by this, Olivia backtracks, clarifying that she was talking about the show. Yeah. We got that.

This is the last straw for Emily. She tells Ben that Olivia sucks and Ben is happy because this means they’ve finally reached the point in the season where he is legally allowed to kick Olivia off the show. As the rose ceremony starts, Ben asks if he can speak to Olivia, and the episode ends. The previews from next week tell us we’re going to handing out A LOT of crying points.

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Season 20 Episode 4: Recap

It’s here: week four of The Olivia Show. Now that Lace is gone, the Reservoir of Crazy has fallen to dangerously low levels. That’s why the producers are forcing Ben at knifepoint to keep Olivia around.

Chris Harrison starts the episode by telling the women that Ben is no longer in LA. A few of them look truly terrified, as if Harrison is some sociopath that came to tell them Ben had been kidnapped with a smile on his face. Others (AKA those who have seen and/or been on this show) recognize this as a clue that they are about to travel somewhere. Turns out it’s Vegas, which is like 4 hours from where they already are.  

The girls arrive at their suite, and find out that JoJo is going on the first one on one date with Ben. She dusts off her best pair of daisy dukes and meets Ben on an expanse of concrete for a glass of champagne. Guys, you’ll never believe this, but a helicopter appears above them. It’s for them! They’re going on a helicopter! The twists and turns on this show, I tell you. In perhaps my favorite moment of the series, the gusts coming off the chopper knock over their champagne table and glasses, and Ben and JoJo duck and cover behind it. #unscripted

I honestly forget what happens on the rest of their date, so that’s how you know that was really good. I’m pretty sure they stood outside somewhere and JoJo showered Ben with gratitude for choosing to spend 3 hours with her this week. They kiss a lot, etc.

This week’s group date has a theme and it’s humiliation (though that’s arguably the theme of this whole show). Ben takes the women to some tourist trap headlined by Terry FartNoise and a bunch of puppets. I’m sure he’s big in the puppet world and all, but his show would be like my 99th choice for a date. I’d prefer Alex Morgan kicking a soccer ball directly at my face over this show.

To make it worse for everyone involved, but mostly the audience of sweet and unsuspecting geriatrics, the girls are each going to perform a “talent” to open the show. Most of the girls choose something silly that clearly communicates they are in on the joke. Olivia chooses to put on a sequined headdress and bikini and perform…something. She hobbles out of a cake and then awkwardly prances around and attempts some high kicks while the rest of us, Ben included, cringe in our seats.

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The point Olivia was trying to make to Ben

Self-awareness is a fickle bitch. On one hand, Olivia wasn’t self-aware enough to stop herself from getting in that cake or wearing that headdress. But then she quickly and accurately identified her post-performance hug from Ben as a pity hug. Right on, girl. Then in the blink of an eye she’s basically telling us that she and Ben are Allie and Noah from The Notebook.

Next, Becca gets a wedding dress and the one-on-one date. Ladies, do not try this at home. Do NOT wear a wedding dress on your first date. This tactic is only to be tried in the alternate Bschelor Universe. Ben and Becca spend the day officiating Vegas weddings, then find a nice cozy spot among a collection of broken down neon signs to discuss their virginities. I can’t think of the last time one of my first dates didn’t end that way.

The next day, Ben decides, is the day when he will both have his first conversations with the twins AND send one of them home. He invites them on a surprise date to their own house. They show Ben their bedrooms, which have not been professionally staged, and we are immediately reminded that these two are 22.

The twins’ mom offers to help Ben decide which of her daughters to dump. She tells him that Emily always gets more attention and that Haley has a hard time opening up and letting her guard down. Fifteen seconds later Ben dumps Haley in front of mom and their four dachshunds. Emily seems sad on the walk from the house to the limo, then starts sucking Ben’s face as soon as they’re in the car. What sister?

The cocktail party this week is relatively uneventful. Olivia apologizes for her Gypsy Rose Lee impression once again while sharing a piece of cake with Ben and antagonizing the other women. In the end, Ben sends home Amber and Rachel packing, honoring his contractual obligation to keep Olivia on the show until the producers decide her shtick is stale.

 

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Season 20, Episode 3: Recap

And just like that, we’re a third of the way into the season of #TheBach. Time flies when you’re drunk.

The first date card comes and one of the remaining Laurens is selected. This Lauren is likeable and sweet and we are universally Happy For Her. She and Ben don some old school Snoopy helmets and take off on a plane the size of the average canoe. Lauren B., a flight attendant, convinces us that she is excited to be flying in this plane with Ben. At least she doesn’t have to passive aggressively remind anyone to return their seat back to an upright position on the date.

They enjoy some beautiful views of the California coast, skywrite the shape of a middle finger over the Bachelor Mansion, and then land in the middle of a brown field with a Jacuzzi™ stuck right in the middle. It’s unclear whether this is the same hot tub that Caila and Ben sampled/Kevin Hart marinated his junk in during the last episode. Don’t look at me for answers; Chris Harrison won’t return my texts.

They also “eat” dinner and dance to music by some middle-aged country band that Ben and Lauren pretend to know and care about. Lauren B. gets the rose and we’re all bored. I’m a fan of Lauren B., but we have way juicier cankles to cover.

Up next is the group date, and it’s the tried and true Sports Showdown date. Superstar Badasses Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara are tapped to coach the two teams. It’s a fruitless effort, since what results is a rat’s nest of arms, legs, and blonde highlights tumbling up and down a soccer field.

In a move NO ONE SAW COMING, the losers have to leave after the game and the winners get to share Ben among five girls instead of 10. Dreams really do come true.

During the post-soccer portion of the date, the women who just earlier had been teammates, (fiercely united by their desire to win five-on-one time with Ben) turn against each other to compete for 90 seconds of conversation with Ben. The girls talk shit about Olivia’s fat toes and I’ve literally never been more interested in what’s happening on my TV. Must. See. The. Toes. Oh, also, Amber gets the rose.

The ladies back at HQ eagerly await the last date card for the week. Because of the least subtle foreshadowing ever, we know this is going to Jubilee. As she preps for the date, it’s clear that she is slightly more anxious than the robots they typically cast on this show.

Ben arrives 20 minutes late, and Jubilee serves him some light sass. If her sass were on a menu at a Mexican restaurant, it would have no more than two chili peppers next to it. The other girls act as if Jubes straight up rocked him in the teeth. To add insult to injury, Jubliee then jokingly offers her date to someone else because she is afraid of helicopters. She may as well have punched Ben in the teeth this time; I think the girls would have reacted more mildly, because apparently, this was deeply offensive.

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On their date, Jubilee is awkwardly charming and REAL. The producers must have forgotten to install her pullstring because instead of reciting the same old script to Ben in between sips of champagne, she jokes around and shares her actual Feelings and Thoughts.

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At dinner, Jubliee shares details of her past with Ben. Unlike some former contestants who discuss tragic events in their lives, Jubliee seems authentic and vulnerable during this conversation, rather than thirsty. Ben digs her, and so do we.

The cocktail party starts on a somber note, as Ben tells the women that he just found out that two family friends were killed tragically in an accident. Most of the ladies stir up all the emotional intelligence they can find to comfort him. Olivia, however, decides this is the right time for her to open up emotionally to Ben. About her cankles. This fool actually got choked up telling Ben about how hard it was to be strong all the time. About her cankles. This is probably a giant red flag that a lifelong partnership with Olivia would be more of a dictatorship. Somehow, though, she is not the most hated girl in the mansion at this point.

The women wasted no time turning against Jubliee after the heinous crime she committed earlier. As Jubliee meanders around the house, just tryna eat snackz and mingle, voiceovers from various women take a mean turn. Two girls walk away to “”fix their lipgloss” as Jubilee approaches to hang, and Lauren H. remarks that she just can’t see Jubliee hanging with the soccer moms and setting up playdates for the kids. Listen, I’m not here to accuse people of being racist; that’s a pretty serious thing to call someone and doing so has consequences. However, this whole series felt unnecessarily aggressive toward Jubilee and the comments about her being unlike the other girls and not Ben’s type were tone-deaf at best. Ok, back to #jokes.

Amber, drunk with the power of the group date rose, leads the charge in cornering Jubliee. Jubilee, uninterested in this foolishness, walks away from the Plastics trying to chew her out for making a joke. Ben figures out that something is up (aka a producer alerted him that someone was crying to move the story along) and tries to comfort Jubilee. Amber, who we now all know is a fucking idiot, decides to approach them both to discuss it. Because guys love this stuff. Ben shuts her shit DOWN and Amber retreats with her tail between her legs.

Amber is safe…for now. The same can’t be said for Lace, who escorts herself off the show to do some work on herself before she enters into a lifelong union. Peace be with her. We also bid adieu to Shushanna and Jami. Another week bites the dust.

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Season 19, Episode 6: Recap

Can somebody explain to us what exactly was the intended date activity in the Badlands (besides death stares and backstabbing)? Did they plan to just roll around on the bed that somebody airlifted from the set of Faith Hill’s “Breathe” music video?

The Five Best Moments That Earned Points

  1. Ashley I.’s crying face. It’s exactly like a toddler having a tantrum in the candy aisle.
  2. Kelsey’s self-diagnosed “panic attack.” We WebMD-ed her symptoms just to check. Turns out the medical diagnosis here is “Manipulative Temper Tantrum.”
  3. Britt dancing with Chris at the Big & Rich concert, while hearing the song “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” for what was clearly the first time. Did she not have ears in 2004?
  4. The most awkward helicopter ride in Bachelor history. Kelsey tried very hard to impress Chris and Ashley I. (who like, totally has a Master’s degree too, okay?!?!) by reciting the president’s faces on Mt. Rushmore. Calm down, Wikipedia.
  5. Kaitlyn spitting out some country rhymez on the group date. Leave it to our girl Kait to shut a date down, flip it, and reverse it.

The Five Best Moments That Didn’t Earn Points

  1. When Chris choppered off solo into the sunset, leaving Kelsey and Ashley I. alone in the Badlands.you-can-walk-home
  2. Jade’s awkward run down the streets of Deadwood with Big (or was it Rich?) in order to unlock her songwriting potential. You know that cameraman was like, “Slow down, fuckers.”
  3. Kelsey’s ice-cold, laser staredown at Ashley I. when she returned to the canopy bed in the Badlands (sidebar: Canopy Bed in the Badlands would make a great band name. I call it. Mine.).
  4. Chris, returning to the group date with Britt, offering a lukewarm non-apology for being a teensy bit insensitive to his other girlfriends while on the date, and then peacing the eff out of there. Screen Shot 2015-02-15 at 4.04.56 PM
  5. Chris’s adorable schoolgirl giggle, which was out in full force during his one-on-one with Becca. Some peeps on Twitter seemed creeped out by it. I found it oddly endearing.

Wildcard points for tonight: 25 points to the first lady who says, “I really need this one-on-one date” (or similar).

Get ready for two back-to-back episodes this week!

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Season 19: Episode 4 Recap

Chris may have been relieved of one Ashley this week, but he isn’t safe yet. How much longer will the producers force Chris to keep Ashley I. around, subjecting him to her make out attacks and all-around Stage 5 Clinger behavior? I’m sure she packed enough Princess Dresses for all ten weeks, but I think she’s got another two episodes max. Hers is an exit I can’t. wait. for.

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Let’s all take a mini-journey of our own, and revisit the most bonkers moments of episode four.

The Five Best Moments That Earned Points

  1. Jade’s Cinderella-themed date, which was the most appropriate (if trite) movie plug ABC has ever pulled off in the history of the show. Remember when it was The Lone Ranger during Desiree’s season? More Americans saw the 30-second clip of Des watching The Lone Ranger on “The Bachelor” than actually saw The Lone Ranger.
  2. Ashley S. planted a juicy one on Chris after whisper-seducing him with that most flirtatious of lines, “What are you? What are you?” Way to take one for the viewing audience, Chris. Purell those lips, bro.
  3. Ashley S. also swooped in with the very first “I love you” of the season. She was just an alien, standing in front of a human male, asking him to love her (and get her back to her home planet).
  4. Kaitlyn ditched her bottoms for an impromptu daytime skinny-dip session on the group camping date. It was less “sexy skinny dipping” and more “hanging a full moon.”
  5. Jillian snoozed in the pool with her kibbles and bits hanging out, per usual. Let’s start the grassroots campaign now: Jillian’s Black Box for the next Bachelorette.

The Five Best Moments That Didn’t Earn Points

  1. Next year, we’re adding the category “Mentions his/her virginity.” Gotta be worth at least 10 to 15 points. And a negative 25 points every time a fully grown-ass woman refers to herself as “innocent.”
  2. When Jillian forgot she wasn’t in the locker room at the local CrossFit and asked Chris if he’d rather bang a stinky hobo with a “bird in her hair, the whole nine” or abstain from sex for five years.
  3. The Bachelor producers went meta for the second group date and made the women physically compete in an obstacle course race while wearing wedding dresses. There were so many layers to that date that somewhere, a grad student is framing her women’s studies thesis paper around it.
  4. Jealousy is pretty par for the course on this show. But Ashley I. took it to the next level when she became so obsessed the princess date she wasn’t invited on, that she got ready for it anyway and paraded around in the house in her rhinestone and desperation encrusted gown.
  5. The moment Becca casually mentioned that she was also a virgin, but a virgin who plays it supes cool. Consider Ashley I.’s thunder stolen. THIS HOUSE AIN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR TWO VIRGINS.

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Wildcard points: first woman to tell Chris that this is “harder than she expected” next episode gets 15 points

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Season 19, Episode 2: Recap

The show opens with Kimberly begging for a chance to come back on the show. I’ve never seen anyone beg to come back after the first epsiode. Chick’s got cojones. Chris relents. The Originals and the Others handle this calmly and maturely. Just kidding, they all throw tantrums.

Chris Harrison meets with our Bachelor to discuss the cocktail party, and he asks Chris if he remembers anything about last night, proving everyone is hammered on this show.

While the first group date gets underway, we see Jillian and Meg traipsing around Chris’s house. They commit some light B&E, and Jillian’s lower half is blurred throughout the entire segment. Megan dons Chris’s motorcycle helmet and rams it into stainless steel refrigerator, exposed brick, and a wooden wall. This is a simple statement of fact.

Back at the ranch, Juelia reveals she’s a single mother and a widow because her husband killed himself. Highs and lows, this episode, I tell ya.

First Group Date

Chris and his posse show up at a weird, corporate office to attend a pool party. After the obligatory chicken-fight, the gaggle of ladies walk around downtown L.A. and hop on idling tractors to compete in a race—in their bikinis. Just like in Iowa! High marks for authenticity.

Some poor intern spent his entire afternoon schlepping in bales of hay so the group can have a picnic in the middle of the boulevard. This is why L.A. traffic is so awful—random reality shows filming on your freeway ramps.

Mackenzie gets the one-on-one time after the group date and turns up the charm with classic 1-2 punch: “Did you ever have an earring?” and “I like guys with big noses!”

I think when you’re 21 years old and you’re repeatedly told you’re cute your whole life, you think you can say whatever you want and people will just coo over you. Then you turn 30 and realize what an awful, hot little shit you were back then. She’ll get there, you guys.

She asks him if he believes in aliens, seemingly out of the blue. Chris doesn’t have an answer, so he flips the tables around and is like, “Do YOU believe in aliens?”

And what I find inexplicably bizarre is that Mackenzie just shrugs her shoulders and says, “I donno.”

Dude, if you’re going to bring up aliens on the first date, you’d better have a well-developed stance on aliens. She talks about her son a lot. It’s boring.

Fun fact: Mackenzie was 6 when Chris graduated school. She could almost be Chris’s Kale.

Back at the BachMansion, Megan gets the one-on-one date and doesn’t even realize it. She thinks it’s a love note. Her elevator doesn’t quite reach the top floor.

Megan’s One-on-One Date

They take off in a chopper over the Grand Canyon. It’s very Bachelor. We take another dip on the emotional rollercoaster when Megan reveals that her dad died just a few weeks before she came on the show.

That story took the wind outta my snarky sails. Moving on.

Second Group Date

The limo pulls up to a haunted house parking lot and zombies attack the car. The girls freak out and try to make themselves apparate. Amber quickly becomes our favorite by ripping a shot of Fireball before she exits the limo.

Ashley S. doesn’t understand paintball, zombies, or human emotion. She’s Terminator in heels. She walks coldly through a hailstorm of bullets and undead corpses and pumps lead into a few more zombies’ heads, even when the other ladies are like, “That zombie is dead! She’s dead! She’s just an out-of-work actress from Nebraska who wants to work in Hollywood and you’ve maimed her irreparably!”

This is how war crimes happen. This is also why there are waiting periods at gun shops.

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Instead of being AT ALL freaked out during the zombie slaughter, Ashley S. turns in a slow circle, looks into the camera and says, “I FEEL LIKE I’M IN MESA VERDE!” which is either A) a complete non-sequitur or B) a sick burn on Mesa Verde.

She sees angels in candles, she talks to cats, and she compliments Chris’ leather and asks him if he wants to lose the whole world. No one is safe. Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife.

The rose goes to Kaitlyn on the group date.

Back at the ranch, Jordan wears sweatpants, drunkenly twerks upside down, and talks mad shit about the other girls. My typical Saturday night. She specifically has a problem with Jillian who has a toned ass but also maybe a hairy one? Suddenly the black bar earlier in the episode makes a lot of sense.

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Rose Ceremony

Whitney gives him a bottle of whisky. I thought they were sequestered on the ranch from the outside world. She must’ve bought it off of Tara.

Ashley I. reveals she’s a virgin. Mackenzie loses her damn mind and quickly Googles hymen reconstruction surgery. She also gives bad advice and says that all guys love taking a woman’s virginity. Never take relationship advice from a 21-year-old.

During her one-on-one time at the cocktail party, Ashley I. encourages Chris to rub her belly button ring like she’s some college-girl-on-spring-break genie and everyone in America collectively cringed.

Jordan, who didn’t pump the brakes on her bender in time for the cocktail party, is plastered. Trina the southerner says, “Bless her heart, I think she’s had one too many drinks.”

Jordan says she’s going to step up her game and stumbles around, applying lipstick, and half-interrupting Chris’ one-on-one time. She tries to kiss the camera then tries to kiss Chris.

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Chris calls Juelia’s name and Jillian mistakenly steps forward to claim her rose. She trips on her rug when she realizes her mistake. If you didn’t rewind that several dozen times, you can’t sit with us.

It’s official: we’re falling back in love with the Bachelor.

Wildcard points for Monday’s episode: 10 points will go to the first contestant to make a disparaging remark about Ashley S.

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Season 19, Episode 1: Recap

All aboard the crazy train this season, BachFantasy-ers. Choo choo! Show opens with a surprise appearance from the reanimated ghosts of Bachelors and Bachelorettes past, mingling and strutting the red carpet like it’s an awards show. But let’s focus on the meat and potatoes of the episode—the looney tune parade about to spill out from a caravan of limos idling outside the Bachelor Mansion.

Limo Introductions

First to step out of the limo is Britt. The hug she gives him is the reason this episode was three hours. She performs lamaze into his lapel for about 45 seconds, then gives him a coupon for a free hug. Are homemade coupons still a thing? I did this for my mom one Christmas when I was little, and even I knew it was lame: “One koupon valid for picking up dog poopies.” Get a real gift.

Following Britt we have Whitney, Kelsey, Megan, and Ashley I. Yawn.

Limo #2 rolls up and Trina steps out first. We completely forget about her because the next contestant Reegan strolls up to Chris with a biohazard cooler. She should’ve gone full crazy, opened the cooler wordlessly, then whispered: “THIS IS ALL THAT’S LEFT OF THE LAST MAN WHO DUMPED ME.”

Not to be upstaged, Tara hops out of the limo, cowboy boots first. She takes a lap and makes a pit stop to slam a jack and coke, burp, and do a costume change. Chris, to his credit, (tentatively) recognizes her when she walks up to him for a second time, now in a cocktail dress. Meh.

Amanda’s eyeballs give Chris a secret admirer note. Jillian the Crossfitter sizes Chris up, but decides to benchpress him later. How much you wanna bet that 90% of her Facebook photos are action shots of her during Crossfit workouts? Mother Kale, Ashley Onion, and Kaitlyn follow. Kaitlyn steals the show by telling Chris he can “plow the bleep out of her field any day.” Ride ‘em, cowgirl.

We’re treated to a limo intermission here, and there is wild speculation about whether there are more girls en route. Chris kicks off one-on-one time with Britt. They eye fuck each other and he basically puts a ring on it right then and there. Whitney takes a hit from a nearby helium tank, then brings up hog insemination with Chris #TalkDirtyToMe. Amanda is up next, and she rewards him with three minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.

Chris pretends like he’s cool with having just 15 contestants, but I can sense the quiet panic. There’s an insatiable greed for MOR LADIEZ.

So of course, the unthinkable happens. MORE LIMOS. The first fifteen girls have already, IMPOSSIBLY, formed alliances and are throwing major shade at the women who are arriving a mere 30 minutes after them. The first 15 ladies were one shot of tequila away from getting matching “Original 15” tattoos. Classic in-group, out-group scenario. Makes the world go round.

Screen Shot 2015-01-11 at 12.34.24 PMThe Original 15 assume the position to defend their turf.

“The Others” continue rolling in, and there’s no shortage of sequins or gimmicky introductions. Chris is greeted by airplane seatbelts, motorcycles, whiskey shots, a pig nose, a brutal karaoke performance, and he still repeatedly referred to himself as the “luckiest man in the world.” What a sport liar.

The Originals continue to lose their collective shit as A SIXTH LIMO SHOWS UP. We’re introduced to Tracy, Bo, Kimberly, Kara, and Jade. Kara tells Chris that she thinks they’d make really cute babies, and you can practically see his weiner retreat inside his body.

Apparently while we weren’t looking, Ashley S. nibbled a handful of mushrooms, because she begins waxing philosophic about onions like a stoned college freshman. She approaches Chris and WWE Diva Brittany with a consolation rose and rambling on about how she wants “her time” with Chris. It’s all very awkward.

Then, talking directly to the cameras, she claims to see an onion growing in a bush outside the Bachelor Mansion. Because the producers are on our side, they tell her to go check it out. Ashley remarks, “If it’s a pomegranate, then God bless it.” Spoiler alert: it is a pomegranate. God wants nothing to do with it.

Britt gets the First Impression Rose and lands the first kissing points of the season.

Rose Ceremony

Meanwhile, Tara has killed a fifth of Jack by herself and is stumbling around the mansion hiccuping and slurring. She racks up drunk-on-camera points (editor’s note: I’m always delighted when I get to hand these out) and the rose ceremony is so long that she’s able to cycle through the Five Stages of Drunk: trying to conceal your buzz, shit-talking, uncoordination, acceptance/elation, and passing out.

Tara drunk bachelorLet’s order Domino’s! 

The good news is when the rose ceremony finally ended, McDonald’s was serving breakfast. Nothing cures a hangover like a Big Mac.

Kimberley is the first contestant in history (totally unverified) to be dismissed on the first episode and try to crawl her way back in. Gotta admire that perseverance. If you drafted her, she might not be gone forever.

We like where this season is headed.

Wildcard points for Monday’s episode: 20 points will go to the first bleepin’ contestant who has her mouth blurred for profanity.

This show is like an onion—zesty and it hurts our eyes,

Becca and Jorie

What was your favorite part of the premiere? Let us know in the comments!

 

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Season 10, Finale: Recap

Alright guys, one last episode. We can do this. Deep breath.

Meet the Parents

We’re still in the Dominican Republic, and the Dorfmans are here to assess Andi’s boyfriends.

Nick is up first. Hy cracks his knuckles and sits back, waiting for the first joker his daughter is bringing in for appraisal.

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Nick is visibly nervous, and is probably ducking off camera every few minutes to mop excess ass sweat.He gets his shit together during his conversation with Andi’s mom, Patti, and wins her over by gushing about all the things he loves about Andi. He says the right things, she doesn’t ask too many tough questions, we all refill our wine glasses.

It’s Hy’s turn next, and I am giddy with anticipation. Nick repeats his speech on Why He Loves Andi and finds the cajones to ask Hy for his blessing. Ultimately, Hy doesn’t give him an especially hard time. Let’s remember, the last guy Hy met on national TV was Juan Pablo, a borderline sociopath. Nick is a god damn prince compared to JP. He gets the thumbs up to get down on one knee, and Nick leaves to go wring out his boxers.

Josh shows up, flashing all 400 of his teeth and chattering away. Hy picks up on his nervousness and just laughs and laughs. In that moment, all is right. Andi’s sister and brother in law prime Josh for his interrogation with Hy with some standard questions. I don’t remember his answers, because I was too busy deciding what I thought about Andi’s sister’s turtle tattoo.

Josh, too, wants Hy’s blessing. He says all the things he’s supposed to say and Hy gives him a somewhat tepid endorsement, reminding him that Andi’s “yes” is really the one he needs. I imagine that is how my dad would react to someone asking for his blessing to marry me. Basically “IDGAF what you ask her, she knows whether this is a good idea or not.” Josh makes it to the next round in the playoffs though, so he’s stoked.

The Dates

This is the finale, so we get two helpings of Josh and Nick tonight.

Josh and Andi are on a boat, likely because the Dominican Republic has requested that they stay the fuck away from the locals, lest they degrade their culture and traditions more. No biggie, these guys can do their favorite activities (talking in vague cliches about how much they like each other and frenching) anywhere.

They move this date to the couch and Josh has a gift for Andi. She unwraps an Andi Murray baseball card. It’s a pretty bold move to attach your last name to a girl who has not yet told you she loves you, but you don’t get screen time by playing it safe. To be honest, I thought the baseball card was kind of a cute idea, but I have to wonder how many other Atlanta biddies have been given personalized baseball cards by Josh. Regardless, Andi eats it up.

Andi tucks the baseball card under her pillow and gets ready for her date with Nick. They “offroad” to a remote beach-like spot, and get right to removing their clothes. I’m sure they talked about their feelings and shit, but all I could focus on was Nick’s Ken doll torso. There literally is not one hair on it. Guys, I can’t stop thinking about it.

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Nick, a beach ball, and a boombox

Nick and Andi put their shirts back on and get cozy on the couch. Nick makes a fifteen minute long, nonsensical toast to set a sexy tone for the night. I don’t remember what they talked about, because all I remember was the gift Nick gave to Andi. As a sign of his love for her, Nick gives Andi a necklace, with a small vial of sand AND A SHARK TOOTH on it.

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I just…no. I can’t. Of all the things that could have been my breaking point with this show, I really didn’t expect it to be this. I remember being in the Bahamas with my family when I was 9, seeing those necklaces for sale at the touristy market we were at, and thinking “Thanks, but no thanks, I’ll just get my island cornrows done and be on my way.” Frankly, it was generous of Andi not to just dump Nick right there on the spot. Girl actually put that necklace on and forced a smile. Respect.

A new day is upon us, and shit’s about to get “real.” Neil Lane, the poor guy, shows up with a case of his most gigantic jewels for Josh to paw through. Josh picks a whopper for Andi, and sends Neil on his way to Nick…

…or not. Nick, expecting Neil Lane, opens the door to a very anxious looking Andi. This is obviously going nowhere good. Nick’s ass promptly begins sweating. Andi says a lot, but the gist of it is “I’m dumping you.” It was a humane move on Andi’s part to put an end to this before Nick picked out a ring and attempted to get down on one knee. Nick is obviously blindsided by this, but has no choice but to pack his stuff and get on a plane home.

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The End

This makes the last ten minutes of the show rather anticlimactic, but we’ve already committed what feels like hundreds of hours to this show, so what’s another ten minutes. Josh steps out of the limo and he’s wearing a suit from the toddler’s section and it’s hilarious. This suit is working hard. I didn’t listen to most of Josh’s proposal, because I had my eye trained on that button, waiting for it to bust open and clip Andi in the head.

Josh launches into a speech that’s basically a rom-com cliche madlib. Andi finally tells Josh everything he’s been waiting to hear. They hold hands and rock back and forth, play the “No, I love YOU more” game, and I pantomime barfing through the whole thing.

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And that’s all, folks. Andi’s got a big ol’ rock on her finger, Josh’s job title now reads “Former Reality Show Doofus,” and Bukowski is busy looking for a new girl to stalk.

Thanks for playing along this season with us! We’ll see you back here for the next season of The Bachelor.

Speaking of…who are you hoping to see as the next Bachelor? Tell us in the comments!

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