Category Archives: Episode REcaps: Season 12

Season 12, Episode 5: Recap

Episode 5 begins with a jubilant celebration about Chad’s departure, and the guys really turn it up for the producers with this one. They scatter his protein powder like ashes throughout the backwoods of Pittsburgh as Wells delivers a touching eulogy, at one point calling him “the worst person” they’d ever met.
giphy-1.gif

Their joy is short-lived, though, because Chad is back to settle some beef (and probably eat some beef, amirite?). Daniel, the male blow-up doll they hired as Chad’s sidekick for the season, lets him back in the house and Chad tries to act like it’s not fucking nuts that he’s there.

Eventually, Jordan, who is trying to play it cool but has terror in his eyes, confronts Chad to insult him and then try to shake his hand? Idk, I got bored and stopped paying attention. I prefer Chad when he’s strutting around the house with a suitcase attached to his pants, chomping on a whole sweet potato. Like, can these guys just get the ruler and unzip their pants already? We’re over this. Anyway, after an ultimately anticlimactic final departure, Alex returns from the two-on-one date. The guys celebrate as if Alex had been the one to take out bin Laden and present him with a plate of cupcakes to smash his face into, which must be equivalent to a Purple Heart in the alternate universe that is The Bachelorette.

The mood quickly changes, however, once they remember that with or without Chad, they’re still ten guys who share the same girlfriend. Cue the hatin’.

With this, the guys all up the ante at the cocktail party — James F. reads JoJo a poem about how much he digs her and JoJo is all, “Aww, James. That’s your name right?” Chase ships in some inflatable orbs that they squeeze on top of their formalwear so they could run into each other. Jordan presses her up against a wall for a steamy makeout sesh. All in a day’s work.

In the end, we bid adieu to James F. and Daniel, who insists in his exit interview that he’d still be here if this show was based solely on looks. I think I’m actually going to miss Daniel.

JoJo wraps up the party by announcing that they’re headed to Uruguay. The guys are all pumped, though I think maybe half of them actually know where Uruguay is and the other half just know that it’s not rural Pennsylvania.

With a new location, comes a new enemy. Suddenly, Jordan is regarded as a shady motherfucker.
thats-why-her-hair-is-so-big-dot-dot-dot-its-full-of-secrets

Vinny, speaking on camera for the first time this season, presents some pretty damning evidence: Jordan plays football AND THERE WAS A FOOTBALL DATE. Coincidence? Ha, we’re not stupid ABC. This shit’s rigged.

Adding fuel to the fire, Jordan gets the first one-on-one date in Uruguay. They swim with seals, which is not a thing I knew you could do. During “dinner,” JoJo confronts Jordan about rumors she heard from someone she likely met a Conference for Exceptionally Attractive Women (sponsored by Flat Tummy Tea). Allegedly, Jordan was not a very good boyfriend in the past. Jordan shifts uncomfortably in his seat and weakly insists that that was then and this is now. “Was there cheating?” JoJo asks plainly. “No,” Jordan lies. She’s like, “Ok, cool, if you say so,” and they move on. I’ve said this in the past and I’ll say it again: the best way to identify an asshole is simply to ask the suspected asshole if he sucks. They’ll always own up to it.

Back at whatever hotel is sponsoring this trip, the guys are discussing an issue of In Touch magazine that just happened to end up in their room. Its cover story is about JoJo and her ex-boyfriend Chad, allegedly canoodling off camera during Ben’s season. This other Chad is clearly thirsty for reality show fame. Recall that he sent JoJo a handwritten letter begging for another chance, perfectly timed to arrive right before her hometown date with Ben. The producers confront JoJo with the magazine. She books it to the guys’ suite in tears to address the story. The guys all immediately denounce this Chad and all Chads and pledge their undying support to JoJo.

Screen Shot 2016-06-27 at 11.06.12 AM.png

Next, JoJo takes the group date crew sandboarding, which is like snowboarding, but on a pile of sand. This is fun for about 15 seconds. Alex decides it’s much more fun to hate someone than to eat sand, so he begins a crusade against Derek. Honestly, it’s boring and annoying and I’m over Alex and his Napoleon complex.

Robby gets the last date of the episode, and he and JoJo stroll through Punta del Este, tasting some local food before finding themselves on a cliff that they decide to jump off. They undress down to their bathing suits, and Robby is wearing Lily Pulitzer for Chubbies (if that collaboration hasn’t happened yet, it’s only a matter of time). They jump and emerge from the water in love.

giphy

At dinner, Robby opens up to JoJo about losing his best friend and how it made him reevaluate his life and choices. He dumped his girlfriend and came on “The Bachelorette,” so it seems like he really learned something. He does tell JoJo that he’s fallen in love with her, which is obviously bonkers, but this is what we’re here for, people. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
We move right into the rose ceremony and say goodbye to Vinny (now who will keep all those pompadours in tip-top shape??), Grant, and Evan. Evan weeps about how he disappointed himself and his children and America and all the other boner doctors in the world. His genuine sadness and lack of self-awareness is both hilarious and sort of endearing.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , ,

Season 12, Episodes 3 and 4: Recap

It’s going to be a doozy of a recap because we have four hours of Bachelorette to cap. Like Evan scraping the bottom of the pool with his schnoz, let’s dive in.

Chase and JoJo go on a one-on-one date at a yoga studio, in which the sole purpose is to embarrass them. Listen, betches, we do yoga regularly. That wasn’t yoga. Have you ever made out with someone in yoga? I have, but I’ve been asked not to return to that studio anymore. What do you think Chase was thinking about while they were yib-yabbing to avoid pitching a tent in his yoga shorts?

Chase is hot and seems nice enough, so he gets the rose. In about 20 minutes we’ll have moved on to bigger and better Chads, forgetting all about Chase.

The group date consists of each of the men telling a funny sex anecdote in front of a studio audience. Grant’s story about losing his virginity in a park and being busted by the cops was adorable. Wells pantomimed ripping ass in a major way, and I donno, I fell in love a little bit. Lots of men told stories about being walked in on mid-coitus. Coitus interruptus, if you will [high five gif]. Evan’s story about roid rage (and how Chad has it) was kinda lame and he was totally prodded by the producers to say it. Chad rips Evan’s shirt while he’s en route back to his seat, and then punches a door backstage, proving definitively that he is on steroids, so maybe Evan was just performing a public service.

Chad, fresh off his rage blackout, goes up onstage last and tries to make a speech — not about his sexual past, but rather his future. He goes in to kiss JoJo and she gives him the cheek. It’s an amazing burn.  

Back at the mansion, no one feels safe with Chad roaming the property, doing pull-ups on furniture and wolfing down meat — so the producers hire a Rent-a-Cop to do laps around the pool with a stern look on his face. Great. Instead of alleviating the Chad problem, I now have another man’s safety to fear for. Run while you can, Rent-a-Cop!

Finally, Evan decides Chad’s aggression is so serious that it’s time to tell Dad. So he stops Chris Harrison and does just that. Chris pulls Chad aside to confront him about his threats of violence and encourages him to use his words. Chad returns to the house to angrily not apologize, and Chris Harrison wipes sweat from his brow, having worked the most he will all season.

Episode 4 opens up with a pool party instead of a cocktail party. Evan thinks he’s competing in the X Games of synchronized swimming and manages to emerge from his swan dive with a bloody nose. I’m embarrassed.

The rose ceremony sees Ali, Christian, and Nick B. heading home. Guess JoJo heard Chad’s earlier warning about staying the eff away from nice guys.

Moody Luke gets the first one on one date. JoJo arranges for a posse of sled dogs to pull their Go-Kart through the woods to a clearing with a hot tub. Apparently this is a wood burning hot tub or some shit, so first they have to chop wood to make it hot. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Do I have to do everything?

They wrap things up by ignoring the meal in front of them and then shamelessly making out in front of Generic Country Band and their audience, claiming to the camera that they’re so into each other, they don’t even notice the crowd of screaming people taking photos of them.

On the football date, the crew heads to the Steelers stadium, where alleged rapist Ben Roethlisberger is tossing around the pigskin. JoJo asks him for dating advice, which is like asking Subway Jared to help you choose a babysitter. Between the chronic concussions and its wife-beating professional players, the NFL has a serious PR problem. So whose idea was it to call up Big Ben for a cameo on “The Bachelorette,” whose audience is primarily female? Roger Goodell, call us before you do literally anything else. Like don’t even order lunch without running it past us. The NFL is such a dumpster fire right now.

James Taylor cracks an eyebrow open and rebuffs the medic’s suggestion that he go get stitches — because if there’s anything more important than not having a facial scar for the rest of your life, it’s winning a game of five-on-five touch football on a reality show.

Alex and Chad get the two-on-one date, proving once again that there is a God and he/she wants us to be happy. When that duo choppered up the river en route to the date, all I could think of was this scene from Apocalypse Now. They go on a hike and each take the opportunity to bust out their provided hatchets and hack away at some innocent plantlife because #testosterone. Whose idea was it give Chad a hatchet, btw? I just did a full-body shudder thinking about the fact that Chad likely owns guns back at home.  

JoJo hikes off-camera with a gaggle of producers and begs them to allow her to give Chad a Viking funeral. Oh, sure, they say. Get rid of Chad, they say. They high-five and laugh maniacally behind JoJo’s back as she boots Chad into the river and leaps into Alex’s arms.

Cut to the next scene. We see Chad hiking through the forest at twilight, Blair Witch Project-style. He’s not going home. He’s whistling to himself and strolling somewhere, muttering about having to “get Alex.”

Finally, he reaches the Bachelor mansion where the dudes are celebrating Chad’s departure. PREMATURELY CELEBRATING, mind you. Our villain won’t go down without a fight. He places both hands on the glass window and slides them down. Several men in the house scream. I screamed.

I actually said aloud, “God, this is good TV.” I doff my cap to the Bachelorette producers.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Season 12, Episode 2: Recap

And just like that, Week Two is in the books. The more I watch this show, the more I feel that episodes two and three are the best of the season. The real wackos are just starting to hoist their freak flags up the flagpole, the frontrunners are posturing for the top spot, and the group dates are still utterly whack competitions where the first place prize is an extra three to five minutes of time with JoJo, along with a side order of humiliation.

The first date consists of the group competing to be crowned Best Firefighter. Normally, I’ll wait until a sixth date or so before I make a guy pass the firefighter physical ability test, but “The Bachelorette” is all about a speedy courtship, even compared to the Duggars. The men are put through a series of grueling physical challenges that they perform as if their actual lives depended on it, not just a brief one-on-one conversation with JoJo. Wells (or three kindergartners sitting on each other’s shoulders?) nearly passes out from heat stroke, earning the season’s first medical attention points.  

As soon as Wells’ blood oxygen level stabilizes, Chief Tracey plucks him to compete against an ex-Army officer and an actual firefighter in the very drills that had incapacitated him moments earlier. He does not win. Grant wins a conversation with JoJo and Luke sulks, kicks his steel-toe cowboy boots into various door frames, and complains in a monotone for the rest of the night. JoJo gives Wells the group date rose to make up for nearly killing him. Wells is self-deprecating, charming, and has All-4-One on a personal retainer. He’s too good for this show.

Next up, Derek and his teeth get the one-on-one date. He and JoJo make a series of decisions about where to go and what to do (which is pretty par for the course in the real world of dating). They conflate their ability to agree on a date activity with a sign that they’re connected on a deep and spiritual level. I couldn’t stop wondering about the producers who had to coordinate the date Derek and JoJo didn’t pick. What a waste of a workday. Derek gets the rose.

The best part of this one-on-one date is when we’re not on it. Back at Bro HQ, Daniel and Chad are sowing the seeds of a beautiful bromance wearing matching black tanktops and abusing literary devices. Chad shares some wisdom with the viewers at home about how women should avoid nice guys (noted — thanks, Chad), and then attempts to diss the other guys with a bizarre, and ultimately unsuccessful, metaphor about the shitty protein shake they would make if you were to blend them. While this powwow is taking place, the rest of the guys are sitting around the pool earnestly rehearsing a song they wrote for JoJo. Somehow, I hate Chaniel less in this segment.

The last date of the episode brings us to ESPN’s LA studio and the men promptly jizz their pants because #SPORTZ. They perform touchdown dances because two TV hosts tell them that’s how they will prove they love JoJo, which makes total sense. The hosts rank the guys and give Chad second place, despite his obvious disinterest in the charade and the fact that he called JoJo “naggy.” Chad really starts to chap Alex’s ass, and Alex begins his crusade to take Chad down. Remember, it’s not the size of the Tiny Alex in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the Tiny Alex. While we’re on the topic, Alex is actually more naggy than JoJo (who literally wasn’t at all) though Chad doesn’t seem to notice.

Underdog James Taylor ends up at the top of the power rankings, disappointing the rest of the group who all worship at the church of ESPN and likely have protein shake on tap in their bachelor pads. He’s seen fire, and he’s seen rain, but he has not seen this show before because guys that act like James Taylor go home (to Carolina in their minds) before episode five. He later reads JoJo some piece of prose that sounds like wedding vows, despite knowing her as well as I got to know the Uber driver who took me to the airport yesterday. (Shout out to Roger! Hope your sister’s recovering from that knee operation.)

Chad is hardly likeable, but he does astutely remind the rest of these guys, who are literally proclaiming their love for JoJo, that they actually don’t know anything about her yet. They do know she’s smokin’ hot though, which I guess is enough.

Unfortunately for Chad, the high point of his week was when he tied that luggage to his waist and did some pull-ups. Alex forms a posse to harass Chad after they learn that he *gasp* had a conversation with JoJo on her way into the party. They start singing, “When you’re a bro, you’re a bro all the way, from your first protein shake, to your last dying day.”

giphy.gif

Chad can’t be bothered. He’s roaming around the house shoving fistfuls of deli meat into his mouth. He can’t be worried about haterz when there’s that much meat in the house. Like a newborn baby, Chad has to eat at very specific intervals or he gets fussy.

In the end we say goodbye to Brandon, James S., and Will. Onto bigger and bro-ier guys this week.

Tagged , , , ,

Season 12 Episode 1: Recap

Buckle up, friends, it’s going to be a drunk season. Following in the footsteps of this season’s fresh crop, I’m 1.5 Bloody Marys deep and ready to get down to some snarking. Since a narrative recap of the premiere would really just boil down to a list of guys named James getting out of a limo to embarrass themselves, we decided to mix things up – yearbook style.

 

Class of Season 12 Superlatives

highschool-yearbook

Most Likely to Bench Press the Bachelorette: Alex

Alex is a short guy with big muscles. He’s already done pushups with JoJo on his back. He’s got something to prove and he’s using his muscles to prove it.

Most Likely to Have a Panic Attack on a One-On-One Date: Ali

Ali was adorably nervous during the whole premiere. He loosened up a bit while playing the piano (or maybe he’d had eight cocktails by then), but Ali is one tightly wound little Mozart.

Most Likely to Get the Axe Next Week: Brandon

Brandon is one of the contestants with a ridiculous “job”, but unlike most of them he has the personality of a used q-tip. Unless things get pretty hipstery next week, Brandon will probably find himself with a lot of time for Instagramming latte art and cruising around on his fixed-gear bike.

Most Likely to Leave the Season with a Restraining Order: Chad

Chad wasted no time establishing himself as the season villain, and it looks like his rage train is on the express track. If Chad were an emoji, he’d be the red-faced guy with a couple of flexed biceps on the side.

Most Likely to Stick Around Despite Having a Below Average Personality: Chase

Chase is attractive and doesn’t seem like a total psychopath. He’ll be here for a while, despite seeming pretty vanilla.

Most Likely to be a Relatively Normal, Nice Guy: Christian

Despite the fact that this dude regularly wakes up in the middle of the night to do crossfit or whatever, I think we may actually have a nice person on our hands here. He’s gainfully employed, keeps his two brothers alive, and hasn’t revealed a pathological rage problem yet. 5/5 stars.

Most Likely to be a Group Date Allstar: Derek

Derek seems fine. I predict that he will go on every group date, playing nice with the other guys (perhaps even showing them the ropes – “So we’re going to compete in this sushi making competition, and then the losing half of the group will have to hitchhike back to the mansion.”), but probably not make much headway with JoJo one-on-one. There are worse Bachelorette fates, Derek.

Most Likely to be Unemployable After This Show: Daniel

Daniel is the season buffoon, here to keep us entertained with the right mixture of shameless ego and minimal self-awareness. Daniel has already defeated the odds by getting a rose despite shedding his clothes and drunkenly belly flopping into the pool on night one, so he’s got more time to embarrass himself before he’s cut.

Most Likely to Worry About Shrinkage: Evan

Evan’s calling in life is to help dudes get boners. Given how many of the Bach leisure and date activities involve swimming, he’s probably mainlining testosterone as we speak.

Most Likely to be a Dark Horse: Grant

Grant was on my short list to draft and I swapped him at the last minute for some White Dude With Stubble™ because history. Now I kind of regret it. I think Grant could stick around.

Most Likely to be Torn Apart by the Fashion Police: James F.

I’m still not over the black shirt and red tie combo. Probably won’t ever get over it. I know Joan Rivers would be on my side here.

Most Likely to Shit His Pants in Chris Harrison’s Presence: James S.

James lives for The Bachelor franchise and his little Ken doll brain couldn’t even compute sharing space with legends like Chris Harrison and Jake Pavelka.

Most Likely to Bring an Acoustic Guitar to the Hot Tub: James Taylor

Please, don’t.

Most Likely to Have a Target on His Back: Jordan

Jordan wasted no time charming the pants off JoJo (not literally, give it a few episodes, guys) and establishing himself as the early front runner. He’s a former pro athlete, attractive, and likable (though his ex has given us something to think about), which means he’s public enemy #1 in the Bach mansion. Sleep with one eye open, Jordan.

Most Likely to Cry it Out: Luke

Luke’s intro featured him somberly discussing his military service. There’s no way this will not come up during an emotional conversation over a dinner that no one will eat.

Most Likely to Surprise Us: Nick B.

Nick B. showed up in a Santa costume. And stayed in a Santa costume. And beat his “Jo Jo Jo” joke to death for two hours wearing a Santa costume. Despite all that, JoJo was into him. Rereading his bio, he may be normal enough to actually have some longevity in this circus.

Most Likely to Bore the Hell Out of Us: Robby

Robby checks the Bach boxes: styled hair, conventionally attractive, slightly murdery eyes, mildly successful athlete at some point in his life, etc. He may also have less personality than a box of hair. TBD.

Most Likely to Be Hungover the Whole Season: Vinny

Vinny was one of the Three Musketeers who earned themselves some visible drunkenness points during Monday’s premiere. I have a feeling that is going to be Vinny’s legacy on this show. Not feeling too confident that he’s going to reinvent himself before he gets booted.

Most Likely to Bring Ginuwine to the Fantasy Suite: Wells

Wells set the bar high by showing up on night one and wooing JoJo with some sweet 90s slow jams. I think Wells is in it for the long haul, and he’s got to top All-4-One.

Most Likely to Knock Teeth with JoJo While Kissing: Will

Poor Will. His cootie catcher kiss gimmick could have been cute, but unfortunately he and JoJo had chemistry roughly equal to that of most first cousins. There could be hope for Will yet, but he’s climbing an uphill battle.

Most Likely to Speak Up During Men Tell All Despite being on the Show for 40 Seconds: Coley, Jake, Jonathan, Sal, Peter, Nick B.

These guys came for their 15 minutes and damnit they’re gonna get it.

Which superlative categories do you think we missed? Tell us in the comments!

 

Tagged , , , ,

Welcome to “The Bachelorette” Fantasy League, Season 12

Friends, Romans, countrymen and women! Lend me your ears and your chalices of wine! Welcome to what is sure to be another face-melting season of BachFantasy. If you’re new, allow us to roll out the red carpet. Thank you for joining us. Read more below about how to draft a winning team, what we award points for, and general rules of the game.

If you’re a grizzled vet who has played BachFantasy before and laughs heartily in the face of reality love, allow us to scooch a bit on the couch and make room for you. We’re so glad you’re back. How you doing, my babies? Do you want a snack? What you’ve been up to? Come in for a hug, ahhh, there we go. We missed you.

HOW OUR BACHELORETTE FANTASY LEAGUE WORKS

1) Gather your “Bachelorette”-loving friends and coworkers, and choose a League Commissioner. The Commissioner is responsible for tallying league members’ points each week and sharing the standings with the league.

2) Choose how your league is going to run your draft (read more on that below) and submit your contestant picks to your league commissioner.

3) Watch “The Bachelorette” every Monday night, beginning May 23 on ABC.

4) Visit this blog every Tuesday morning to see how each of your contestants scored. The league commissioner should add up the point totals for each team in order to figure out the weekly rankings. You can use our BachFantasy Scoring Template to keep track of your league members’ scores.

THE DRAFT

You have a few options when it comes to drafting your Bachelorette fantasy league team team of five contestants. Click here to read more about how to draft your team.

POINTS CATEGORIES

When picking contestants, you’re the team owner. So you do you. Crazies earn a lot of points (and they’re the very lifeblood of the show’s existence), but you’ll be most rewarded for picking contestants who go the distance. (You can read our opinions on this season’s drafting pool here.)

Points are divided into Phrases, Actions, and Roses. We’ve added a few new points categories this year during Ben’s season and a couple more for JoJo’s season; look for bolded points below to see the newbies. We post a new wildcard points category on Twitter every Monday before the episode airs, so be sure to follow us there for the latest info.

There will also be a mid-season draft after Episode 5 in which you’ll be able to add one player to your team if it’s no longer intact. Don’t worry about that for now; there will be more deets later. Onto the points!

Phrases

  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiancee or wife (10 points)
  • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Discussing his virginity (15 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Telling the Bachelorette that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (30 points)
  • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelorette (50 points) NEW IN 2016

Actions

  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Bonus: using the phrase “steal [the Bachelorette] away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Singing or playing an instrument for the Bachelor (5 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Must be sitting on the ground
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Attending a concert (10 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Interrupting a rose ceremony to ask to speak with the Bachelorette alone (20 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Must actually see moisture fall. We’re sticklers on this. 
  • Having a secret girlfriend at home (25 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
    • Only for nudity; having your mouth blurred for profanity doesn’t count
  • Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
  • Drafting the next Bachelor on your team (40 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Roses

  • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points, only available first night)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (now worth 35 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Refusing the Fantasy Suite when the Bachelorette is game (-75 points)
  • Proposing or being proposed to (85 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

WILDCARD POINTS

Each week, we’ll announce the upcoming wildcard category for the week on Twitter (so follow us to see what it is). It will change weekly and is only awarded to one dude per episode. For example, one wildcard category might be: the first man to dance this week gets 20 points.

SCORING

We’ll score each episode for you and post each contestant’s scores every Tuesday morning. Be sure to check back every Tuesday to see how your teams are stacking up against one another. We’ll also be posting an episode recap for those of you just can’t get enough Bach.

Will you be joining us this season? Let us know your league or individual team name in the comments! (We heart puns.)

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Tagged , , , ,

Researching Your Picks: A Look at Season 12’s Drafting Pool

There are no hometowns listed in the cast bios, so we’re assuming it means all 26 of this season’s “Bachelorette” contestants were conceived and grown in a factory on no-man’s land. *rubs hands excitedly* Let’s dive right in.

Alex | age: 25 | U.S. Marine

  • Choice line from his bio: He’s not into the “whole booty dancing thing.” Fifty points to the guy who can get Alex to twerk on camera.
  • We need to hear more about: The time he Hulked out and ripped the door off a car that was on fire and rescued the driver. His favorite movies are also “Troy,” “Inglorious Basterds,” and “300.” We get it, Alex. You have a dick.
  • Draftability: 7/10

Ali | age: 27 | Bartender

  • Choice line from his bio: There is not one interesting thing in his bio but if you squint your eyes at his photo, he kind of looks like peak John Stamos.
  • We need to hear more about: How deep his fear of bugs is… PRANKS! PRANKS! PRANKS!

200.gif

  • Draftability:7/10

Brandon | age: 28 | Hipster

  • Choice line from his bio: Here we have our first whack Bachelor job: Hipster. And yet he has no tattoos, he describes himself as athletic, his favorite movie is Good Will Hunting, and he cites a Malcolm Gladwell book as his fav piece of literature. This is like calling my own Dad a hipster.
  • We need to hear more about: Where he parks his creepy van at night. Brandon wants to experience someone “from the inside out.” I get what he’s going for here, but he chose a pretty murdery way to describe that.
  • Draftability: 3/10

Chad | age: 28 | Luxury Real Estate Agent

  • Choice line from his bio: His answer to THREE different questions is: “myself in 10 years. Alright, alright, alright.” You’ve exhausted the joke, dude.

9k=

  • We need to hear more about: His date that blacked out during dinner. I have a hunch I’d also try to blackout if I went out with Chad. This one may not be on her.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Chase | age: 27 | Medical Sales Rep

  • Choice line from his bio: His biggest fear is a girl falling in love with him…and he’s not that into it. 

Jennifer-Lawrence-ok-thumbs-up

  • We need to hear more about: What the fuck is so special about his truck? That’s his limit in terms of what he’ll do for love? I say let’s vote Chase off now and see if we can get Meatloaf on the show.
  • Draftability: 8/10

Christian | age: 26 | Telecom Consultant

  • Choice line from his bio: His bucket list really runs the gamut. He wants to befriend Mark Cuban, take selfies in space, and spoil his grandchildren. That last one is the puzzler. Does he already have grandchildren…? If not, does he not want to spoil his own children first?
  • We need to hear more about: HULLO, his amateur stripping career. Willing to pay a generous bounty for any photo evidence of this.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Coley | age: 27 | Real Estate Consultant

  • Choice line from his bio: Hard to decide between his bucket list (#respect for those choices) or his book selection (Accio rose, amirite?).
  • We need to hear more about: The girl who tried to move in with him after a week of dating. Did she? C’mon, Coley, don’t leave us hanging.
  • Draftability: 5/10 – His bio is respectable, but his name is Coley. Sorry.

Derek | age: 29 | Commercial Banker

  • Choice line from his bio: If he were stranded on a desert island, the worst case scenario would be if there were a shitload of cucumbers on it. 

unnamed

Seriously, pick a more benign vegetable.

  • We need to hear more about: His penchant for skinny-dipping. We’re expecting some major “blurred out” points from Derek.  
  • Draftability: 8/10

Daniel | age: 31 | Male Model

  • Choice line from his bio: He doesn’t have any tattoos because “You don’t put stickers on a lambo.” He also assures us that he is comfortable wearing a bathing suit in public, because “why have a lambo if you keep it parked in the garage.” Daaaamn, Daniel. Back at it again with the bad metaphors.

giphy-1

  • We need to hear more about: His Men’s Rights activism. I bet if we check his Twitter feed, there are all sorts of rants about girls who “tricked him” by looking better in their dating profile pictures.
  • Draftability: 8/10 – could definitely be the season villain

Evan | age: 33 | Erectile Dysfunction Expert

  • Choice line from his bio: Where do I start with this guy? He describes his sexual energy as “very powerful and beautiful.” Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife. He also wants to be Trump for a day and he has a laundry list of dating dealbreakers, including “girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies.” FOOD ALLERGIES? Way harsh, Tai.
  • We need to hear more about: His job – “Erectile Dysfunction Expert.” Did he go into the family business or…?
  • Draftability: 2/10

Grant | age: 27 | Firefighter

  • Choice line from his bio: His greatest achievement to date? “Saving a life.” Way to drop the freakin mic. Let’s be real, if I saw Grant approaching, I’d play dead. Resuscitate me, boi.
  • We need to hear more about: It’s a toss-up between the Mexican police chase and his ex slapping him in a bar. Maybe they’re connected?
  • Draftability: 9/10

Jake | age: 26 | Landscape Architect

  • Choice line from his bio: He’s not afraid of any animal, because humans are at the “top of the food chain.” You’re right, Jake, no human has ever been killed by an animal.
  • We need to hear more about: How he plans to help the people with his power of flight. If only there were humans out there getting killed by animals. I bet he could help them. If they existed.
  • Draftability: 5/10

James F. | age: 34 | Boxing Club Owner

  • Choice line from his bio: He likes when a book is so vivid that he can almost “smell their environment.” This is how people who don’t read books talk.
  • We need to hear more about: What the fuck is carb cycling? Before you answer, I’m pretty sure I want no part of it.
  • Draftability: 3/10 –  Real talk, I think James’ admission to the show was a clerical error.

James S. | age: 27 | Bachelor Superfan

  • Choice line from his bio: His job – apparently this joker is a “Bachelor Superfan.” Has Chris Harrison finally opened up an institution of higher education or is James self-taught?
  • We need to hear more about: His thoughts on “intimacy.” Does this mean a season of Duggar-style side hugs?

f754294bad32dc072398862c21ac258b

  • Draftability: 4/10 – seems like a tool

James Taylor | age:  29 | Singer-Songwriter

  • Choice line from his bio: This guy, named JAMES TAYLOR, is a singer-songwriter. We know you’re not the real James Taylor.
  • We need to hear more about: Why he still refers to his dad as “daddy.” You’re 29, bro.
  • Draftability: 3/10

Jonathan | age: 29 | Technical Sales Rep

  • Choice line from his bio: If he could change places with anyone, he “would be someone incredibly poor in a third world country to see what it’s like and appreciate what [he has].” Poverty tourism—good answer.
  • We need to hear more about: Jonathan has a tattoo of his grandma on his arm. Like her name or a portrait of her?
  • Draftability: 3/10

Jordan | age: 27 | Former Pro Quarterback

  • Choice line from his bio: He hates it when his date “doesn’t want to eat in front of [him].” You’re speaking my love language, Jordan.
  • We need to hear more about: His job as a former pro quarterback. Which team? And for how long? Can we check his references? I’m detecting a faint odor of catfishing.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Luke | age: 31 | War Veteran

  • Choice line from his bio: We’ve got another hopeful bromance with Mark Cuban, folks. Lots of “Shark Tank” fans this season.
  • We need to hear more about: His status as a war veteran. Lots of military men in the house. Will this lead to tension or camaraderie? Find out after the commercial break.
  • Draftability: 4/10

Nick B. | age: 33 | Electrical Engineer

  • Choice line from his bio: If he could be anyone in the world for a day, he’d be “the woman [he] wants to marry so [he] could find out what’s in her head.”

what_women_want

  • We need to hear more about: His favorite magazine, Ducks Unlimited. Is this a euphemism?
  • Draftability: 4/10

Nick S. | age: 26 | Software Salesman

  • Choice line from his bio: If he could have any job for a day, he would choose: “Don Draper? James Bond?” He didn’t understand the assignment.
  • We need to hear more about: The mountain lion he supposedly chased.

giphy

  • Draftability: 5/10

Peter | age: 26 | Staffing Agency Manager

  • Choice line from his bio: Peter loves dinosaurs so much he’d time travel back to the Mesozoic Era to see ‘em. Did you see Jurassic Park, Pete? Didn’t work out so great for the humans.
  • We need to hear more about: That time he was a sk8er boi, she said see you later boy.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Robby | age: 27 | Former Competitive Swimmer

  • Choice line from his bio: He calls his favorite flower, the honeysuckle, “delicious.” “Robby, will you accept eat this honeysuckle?”
  • We need to hear more about: When asked to name his three best attributes, he includes “handsome.” Warning: narcissism alert.
  • Draftability: 7/10 – We think JoJo will be into it.

Sal | age: 28 | Operations Manager

  • Choice line from his bio: His worst case scenario on a desert island is a Kardashian. Fair enough, though I think it would depend which one. As long as there are no cucumbers, amirite?
  • We need to hear more about: His past career in vandalism. (He once egged a gym teacher’s house in high school.) Maybe he has a problem with authority. Watch yer back, Harrison.  
  • Draftability: 4/10

Vinny | age: 28 | Barber

  • Choice line from his bio: I actually LOLed when I read his response to what he won’t do for love. He would do anything for love, except use turkey meat. Don’t fuck with Vinny’s meatballs.
  • We need to hear more about: That time he “surprised his boys in Mexico” when he was 16. Real talk: I thought the question was “What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done?” instead of “What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” At first I was like #respect.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Wells | age: 31 | Radio DJ

  • Choice line from his bio: Ok, his description of his perfect date IS kind of perfect. Admittedly, I stopped really reading after tacos (didn’t really need to hear more), but I think I saw something about wine and Otis Redding in there too. Call me, Wells.
  • We need to hear more about: Why he doesn’t like pizza. Why are you hurting us like this, Wells?
  • Draftability: 9/10

Will | age: 26 | Civil Engineer

  • Choice line from his bio: He hates it when his date talks about heavy stuff too soon. Good thing he’s not the Bachelor, since that show is basically just a race to see who can exploit their personal hardships for feigned sympathy and camera time. Let’s never forget Olivia’s cankles.
  • We need to hear more about: His dance moves. I want so badly to give him some points for Bernie-ing.  
  • Draftability: 8/10

 

Which prospect is looking the best to draft? Who’s your prediction for the season villain? Let us know in the comments.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,