Season 21, Episode 8: Points

Hometowns!

In Hoxie, Arkansas, Raven and Nick ride ATVs, wrestle in mud and gator piss, and then hike to the top of a grain silo, where her brother fake-arrests them.

In Houston, Rachel’s family was completely adorable…but the date felt pointless because we know she’s the next Bachelorette. Why did ABC release that info so soon?

In Miami, Corinne and Nick created a Clueless montage in Miami’s “most exclusive mall,” before retreating to Corinne’s family’s high-rise apartment, where they ate olives and drank wine out of what can only be described as individual punch bowls.

In Montreal, we met 97 of Vanessa’s closest friends and family (but nary a statement necklace in sight…).

Wildcard points: 15 points to any lady with a family member wearing a statement necklace. Corinne’s dad was rocking a sweet gold chain with a few chest pubes poking out, but a statement necklace it was not.

Onto the points!

  • Corinne: 95 points 
    • Receiving the rose to
    • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor (10 points)
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift: a $3,000 peacoat (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelor (30 points)
  • Rachel: 140 points 
    • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Wildcard points: statement necklaces galore, this family is so cute (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with Nick” to the camera (20 points)
    • Being chosen as the next Bachelorette (40 points)
  • Raven: 115 points 
    • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with him” to her mom (20 points)
    • Talking about her parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Vanessa: 115 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor (10 points)
    • Talking about her parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Saying “I love Nick/falling in love with Nick” to the camera (20 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Giving a gift to Nick: scrapbook from her students/Italian pocket dictionary (5 points)

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Season 21, Episode 7: Points

Last night was a bit of a sleeper episode. We finally got to the famous “my vagine is platinum” episode and it was a letdown, much like what happened in the nether regions in that suite, METHINKS. I did, however, learn that there’s an island called Bimini. Who knew?

Wildcard points: 20 points to the first lady to wear a swimsuit this week. That went to Vanessa on the first one-on-one date.

  • Corinne: 50 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
      • Note: she did not explicitly express fear of swimming with sharks
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with Nick” to the camera (20 points)
  • Danielle M.: 100 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for him” to the camera (20 points)
    • Mentioning a previous fiance (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kristina: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Rachel: 75 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with Nick” to the camera (20 points)
  • Raven: 105 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
      • Note: she did not express fear of swimming with sharks
    • Talking about her parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with Nick” to the camera (20 points)
  • Vanessa: 105 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Wildcard points: first one to wear a bathing suit (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with you”  to the Bachelor (20 points)

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Season 21, Episode 6: Points

  • Alexis: 0 points
  • Corinne: 75 points 
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)
  • Danielle L.: 110 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelor or “I’m falling for/in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Danielle M.: 45 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Jaimi: 25 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Jasmine G: 70 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Josephine: 0 points 
  • Kristina: 140 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Talking about her parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Rachel: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelor or “I’m falling for/in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Raven: 105 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the group date rose (35 points)
  • Taylor: 15 points
    • Wildcard points: getting bleeped for swearing (15 points)
  • Vanessa: 70 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Whitney: 90 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Introducing Season 21’s Mid-Season Draft

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Just kidding, betches, it’s here!

Are you struggling in your league? Are you watching your rightful victory slip away week by week, causing you to drown your sorrows in copious amounts of wine? Are you being teased mercilessly by your coworkers, friends, and family every Monday evening?

It’s time to right your ship. WELCOME …. to the mid-season draft! Elaine Mamba-ing.gif

The Rules:

– If your team is NOT fully intact (i.e., you no longer have all of the contestants you originally drafted):
  • You can draft exactly one more lady to your roster.

– If your team IS fully intact:

  • You get a bonus of 50 points
  • OR you can swap out one of your existing contestants for another lady

When To Draft:

– You should complete the mid-season draft BEFORE the start of Episode 6 on Monday. Email your league commissioner with your chosen contestant.

Points:

– If you add one lady to your roster, you’ll receive points for your new team for the ENTIRETY of Episode 6.
– If your team is intact and you decide to swap out one of your existing contestants, you’ll only receive points for your NEW team during Episode 6. For example, say you decide to get rid of Josephine and add Raven. If Josephine gets a rose during Episode 6, kisses the Bachelor, etc., she is no longer on your team and you no longer get points for her actions. Capisce?

Season 21, Episode 5: Points

Wildcard points: 20 puntos to the first lady to tattle about the house drama to Nick. Those immediately went to Corinne who also scooped up “not here for the right reasons” — and that was the first time in YEARS we’ve awarded it.

Also: no hot tub points for the quartet of ladies hanging out in their hotel’s jetted tub, without water and with their street clothes on. That’s not hot tubbing, that’s sitting on furniture. While we’re at it:

  • Mae the Ghost: 80 points
    • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
    • Leaving the show early on her own accord (30 points)

Also also: Stay tuned for another post coming tomorrow (Wednesday) detailing the mid-season draft!

  • Alexis: 45 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Astrid: 0 points
  • Corinne: 170 points 
    • Wildcard points: first one to tattle to Nick about house drama (20 points)
    • Telling the Bachelor that someone in the house is “not here for the right reasons” (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Danielle L.: 30 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
  • Danielle M.: 90 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
  • Jaimi: 35 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Jasmine G: 45 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
  • Josephine: 35 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kristina: 10 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Rachel: 110 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Talking about her parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Raven: 40 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelor or “I’m falling for/in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Sarah: 25 points 
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Taylor: 130 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)
  • Vanessa: 45 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
  • Whitney: 45 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Season 21, Episode 4: Points

The contestants traveled to exotic Waukesha, Wisconsin for the next set of dates, which involved shoveling cow dung, little girls booting soccer balls at Nick’s face, slick roller rink moves that would’ve captivated 8-year-old me, and a completely staged interaction between Nick and an ex while strolling Main Street USA.

Also, apparently, rose ceremonies now occur at the top of every hour. Can we call it a cliffhanger if it happens every. single. week?

Wildcard points: 10 big boys to any lady to read a date card aloud. Those went to the sisters Danielle.

Get yer points below.

  • Alexis: 35 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Astrid: 35 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Brittany: 25 points 
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Christen: 0 points
  • Corinne: 35 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Danielle L.: 130 points (STAT CORRECTION) 
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelor’s family and/or friends (15 points)
    • Talking about her parent’s relationship (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on a one-on-one date to stay another week (25 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)
    • Wildcard points: reading a date card aloud (10 points)
      • Note: on her one-on-one date, she said: “I can see myself falling in love with him,” which doesn’t qualify for our points category “I am falling in love with him.”
      • Also, that wasn’t a picnic. There were no snacks or bevvies.
      • Don’t you dare clap back at me in the comments about these two points.screen-shot-2017-01-17-at-10-20-49-am-300x300
  • Danielle M.: 50 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Wildcard points: reading a date card aloud (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Jaimi: 35 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Jasmine G: 35 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Josephine: 35 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kristina: 80 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
  • Rachel: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Raven: 120 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelor’s family and/or friends (15 points)
    • Talking about her parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on a one-on-one date to stay another week (25 points)
    • Saying to the camera “I’m falling in love with him” (20 points)
  • Sarah: 35 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Taylor: 55 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone else’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Vanessa: 25 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Giving Nick a gift: homemade book from her students (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Whitney: 35 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Let’s Talk about Stat Corrections

Hi.

We need to talk about stat corrections.

Any fantasy league worth its salt — from Yahoo Fantasy Football to ESPN Fantasy Hockey — issues stat corrections, sometimes several days after the games have been played. Likewise, we also issue stat corrections up to 24 hours after “The Bachelor” has aired.

When we first started this blog, we had a mere handful of points categories that contestants could earn. Scoring was a breeze. We were young. We were so innocent. If stat corrections even existed, they were in their most primitive form — tiny stat correction amoebas.

Each season, we’ve added more and more categories, to your delight and ours. Frankly, I don’t want to live in a world where “wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country” isn’t worth five misappropriating points. We enjoy adding new categories each season, even though it makes our jobs infinitely harder when we score. Now, I’m on the lookout for 41 potential points categories to be earned by 20+ contestants every single episode.

When we post the points each Tuesday morning, we have always welcomed comments from y’all suggesting what we might have missed. We also welcome comments from our most enthusiastic fantasy league players, who love to lobby for a points category. We reserve the right to shoot you down, but still, we welcome it. (Giving Vanessa a barf bag doesn’t qualify as “needing medical attention.” It’s the equivalent of handing toilet paper under a bathroom stall to someone with diarrhea. But I digress.)

Actual footage of us responding to you lobbying for more points:

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If you’re bummed/concerned/confused about stat corrections, we want to offer up a really simple solution: check the site on Tuesday night, once the dust has settled and the points have been updated accordingly. Or even Wednesday morning. Or check first thing Tuesday morning, and then update your spreadsheet Tuesday night. There are endless possibilities.

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We thank you for playing along with us and would like to whisper a gentle reminder that we do not make any money off of this — it’s free and just for fun.

Now go forth and conquer.

Season 21, Episode 3: Points

Last night’s episode had everything: hot tubs a-plenty, whipped cream, bouncy castles, zero gravity ralphing, the patented Bachelor Mansion pool party, an athletic competition judged by decorated Olympians. You know it’s a good ep when an appearance by your five main squeezes circa 1998, the Backstreet Bois, gets second sentence billing in our points recap.

BachFantasy Nation, I do need your help identifying one woman from a screen-grab. While the ladies went to check out the bouncy castle situation, one lady’s derriere was blurred. WHO IS THIS MYSTERY LADY? I have narrowed it down to Sarah or Christen based on hair color and length. Tell me who you think it is, and this Mystery Tush will get 30 more points.

UPDATE: The comments are leaning heavily towards Sarah. We’re awarding her the points unless you have definitive proof it’s another lady (email us the proof at bachfantasy@gmail.com if so).

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Wildcard points last night: 15 smackers to the first lady to speculate about the one-on-one date. Those went to Dominique, who also went home.

Also some ladies have double rose points below; that’s because there was a rose ceremony at the top of the show and some contestants also earned roses on dates.

  • Alexis: 45 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Astrid: 65 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Being a part of the winning team who gets to spend alone time with the Bach on a group date (15 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Brittany: 40 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Christen: 60 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the group date rose last week (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Corinne: 110 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Having a body part blurred (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (whipped cream) (5 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Danielle L.: 115 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Being apart of the winning team that gets to spend alone time with Nick on a group date (15 points)
    • Singing for the Bachelor (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
  • Danielle M.: 0 points 
  • Dominique: 75 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Wildcard points: first to speculate about the one-on-one date (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Elizabeth: 0 points
  • Hailey: 30 points
    • Giving a gift (marshmallows) (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Jaimi: 35 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Jasmine G: 55 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Josephine: 30 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Singing to the Bachelor (5 points)
  • Kristina: 60 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Lacey: 0 points
  • Rachel: 80 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the group date rose (35 points)
  • Raven: 25 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Sarah: 90 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)
  • Taylor: 55 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Vanessa: 90 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Whitney: 50 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Season 21, Episode 2: Points

An episode two cliffhanger, as I live and breathe! ABC, you keep us guessing, you saucy little minx. This episode saw Corinne revealing herself as a potential villain and Liz packing her bags to go home. We also saw Josephine go method during her faux break-up scene with Nick. Look out, Meryl Streep, our girl Josephine is young, hungry, and gunning for ya.

We’ve never had a points category for slapping before because it just doesn’t happen frequently enough on this show to warrant it. But maybe we need to reconsider that stance for next year. Slaps are like meteorites. They don’t come around often, but dammit, you’re happy to see ’em when they do.

Some women earned 0 points this episode, even though they weren’t sent home. Next week (as is the case with all episodes following cliffhangers), women will receive points for  each rose they receive; in other words, we’ll be counting both rose ceremonies.

Wildcard points went to our shotgun bride, Alexis, for being the first to be bleeped for swearing while she was on her back grunting out an infant. 10 points, and mazel on the baby. Oh, and while we’re at it, happy birthday to your sweater puppies. The card’s in the mail.

  • Alexis: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wildcard points: first one to get bleeped for swearing (10 points)
  • Astrid: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Brittany: 60 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred (30 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Christen: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Corinne: 145 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Being a part of the winning team on a group date (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal him away” during said interruption (5 points)
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Getting the group date rose (35 points)
  • Danielle L.: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Danielle M.:  100 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points
    • Mentioning an ex-fiance (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Dominique: 0 points
  • Elizabeth “Liz”: 10 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Elizabeth: 20 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Hailey: 10 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Jaimi: 10 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Jasmine G: 20 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Josephine: 10 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Kristina: 10 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Lacey: 20 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Rachel: 0 points
  • Raven: 20 points 
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal him away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Sarah: 10 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Taylor: 30 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal him away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Vanessa: 10 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Whitney: 0 points

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Season 21, Episode 1: Recap

ANNND WE’RE OFF. How’d your drafting go? Think you got a team of ringers? With 30 contestants, it was harder than ever to pick this season. Here’s what went down.

We “Meet” Nick

As is custom in Bachelor premieres, we get to know our “new” Bachelor by letting his body do the talking. Nick’s abs go running, Nick’s abs take a shower, etc. The scene basically cuts straight from Nick’s groin in the shower, to his 45-person family sitting around a picnic table and discussing his TV dating career. Nick gets dating advice from his little sister Bella, who we have all now seen grow up on TV. She implores Nick to pick up the girls in “cool rides,” make eye contact, stop mumbling, and be honest about his thoughts. All in all, pretty solid advice. Bella is one of the more rational women we’ll meet this episode.

But first! Nick needs to talk it out with some former Bachelors. It makes sense for Sean and Ben to be there, as they have been successful on this show. Chris, go home. Your corn needs you. As far as pep talks go, I’d give this one a 4/10. They spend more time reminding Nick that many viewers hate his guts than they spend on anything else. In the end, they assure him that they really like him, so surely he’ll be fine. Nick seems scared.

Intros

We meet a handful of girls via their pre-show interviews, getting a glimpse into their careers, whatever recreational activities they choose to do in a bikini, and their favorite spots to stare off into the distance and consider their love lives.

First, we meet Rachel and immediately she is not like the others. She has a career as an attorney, is age-appropriate for Nick, walks down the street in comfortable shoes and a reasonable dress, and dances around her apartment vacuuming in her spare time. Put a ring on it, Nick.    

Then there’s Danielle who owns several nail salons and Vanessa, a trilingual special needs teacher. I like both these ladies, but as a former teacher, I call bullshit on Vanessa walking the halls of her school in stilettos. Girl, please. Show us your Danskos.

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We get a little taste of Josephine, who fell right into the producers’ trap. They film her meowing to her cat, shouting to innocent passersby on the boardwalk, and playing both parts in a conversation between her and Nick. If you look closely enough, you can see a faint expiration date stamped on her head by the end of this segment.

And now for the main event: Corinne. “Corinne’s world is glamorous,” Corinne tells us. She “runs a multi-million dollar company” from her parents’ sunny Miami balcony while a poor woman employed as her “nanny” brings her sliced cucumbers. Despite the fact that she outsources snack preparation, this 24-year-old simply hasn’t had time to find true love.

We cycle quickly through the next batch: Alexis, the token weirdo — sumo costume, shark costume, aggressive NJ accent. Next. Raven talks about family, faith, football while walking on some abandoned train tracks. Clear eyes, full hearts, PIG SOOOOOIE. Got it. We meet Danielle M., a docile neonatal nurse and Taylor, a rollerblading mental health counselor. Finally, we have Liz, who boned Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, declined to share her number with him, and then acts like it’s not fucking nuts that she showed up to date him on a TV show. More on her later.

The limo entrances are all horribly awkward. If the women aren’t shitting on Nick about his Bachelor past, they’re making sex jokes that would make even the most immature 6th grade boy cringe. There’s a lot of illusion netting, a camel, an UNCOOKED hot dog in a book (literally), a beard massage, the beginning of an incredibly unsexy rectal exam, and a dolphin in a shark costume. Nick alternates between looking tentatively happy and horrified the entire time.

Cocktail Party

The cocktail party proceeds just as we expect it to. Nick takes turns having three minute conversations with as many ladies as possible, while the group that he’s not talking to devolves into a paranoid mess — strategizing with early allies, spying on Nick and whoever he is talking to, and obsessively adjusting hair and dresses.

Nick speaks to Rachel first. They talk about their families and Rachel’s career and it’s quite nice. Nick’s into it and so are we. He spends some time with Christen, who is wearing neon yellow lace and reminiscent of Gloria (Isla Fisher) from Wedding Crashers. In other words, she’s crazeballs. She has a perma-smile and fawns over Nick’s ability to follow along as she instructs him to step in the shape of a square (they’re dancing, she says).  It’s a lot.

Chris Harrison comes in and silently sets down the First Impression Rose, which accelerates the emotional unraveling of a number of women. Time to go big or go home.

Corinne produces a burlap sack full of change, that she gifts to Nick. Nick, confused, asks if he is to exchange these for hugs. Think bigger, buddy.

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Nick finally resigns to having a producer-mandated conversation with Alexis, the grown woman swimming in the pool in a shark costume. He will not concede that she is dressed as a dolphin. He has to draw the line somewhere. You have to admire Alexis’ commitment, gripping her cocktail in her fin, insisting that she is. not. a. shark.

Finally, Nick and Liz talk. Liz is surprised that Nick remembers her. Nick is surprised she expected him not to. I’m on Team Nick here. We’re not talking about a DFMO (dance floor make out) here. You’re not supposed to remember those. If you presented me with a lineup composed exclusively of men I’ve DFMOed, I would recognize 0%. But these two boned. In a twist, Nick let’s out the first “not here for the right reasons” of the season, not exaaaaactly accusing Liz, but not NOT accusing her either. She responds that she’s not the type of person to ask for someone’s number. Yes, that would be bananas.

Rose

Look, a lot of nameless faces went home: Angela, Briana, Ida Marie, Jasmine B., Lauren, Michelle, Olivia, and Susannah. We hardly knew ye. And by the looks of the season preview — buckle up, fantasy team owners. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.