Season 12, Men Tell All: Points

JoJo’s gang descended upon Southern California for one last hurrah. Chad continued his scorched earth policy, using his air time to drag fellow contestants, JoJo, and several ex-girlfriends of the cast members. He’s like the Chief Troll. We heard way too much from Nick B. and Vinny, considering they were kicked off in like, week two. Vinny’s mom interrupted Chris Harrison from the audience to ask JoJo why she got rid of her son, making JoJo even gladder she let Vinny go so she wouldn’t have to deal with that as a monster-in-law on the regular. Luke and Chase battled all night to win America’s hearts and minds in their bid to be the next Bachelor. (Who do you think it will be?)

We were treated to a bunch of Bachelor in Paradise teasers and lots of your bois are headed that way. We won’t be scoring but we will be watching and potentially live-tweeting this summer, so follow us there.

Onto the points!

  • Alex: 30 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Apologizing to JoJo for his behavior on the show (10 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Ali: 0 points
  • Brandon: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Chad: 95 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Mentioning a new romantic interest in his life (10 points)
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
    • Speaking negatively about/toward JoJo (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Chase: 45 points 
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Asking JoJo why she got rid of him/what went wrong (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Christian: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Daniel: 30 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Derek: 20 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Evan: 45 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Grant: 25 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
  • James S.: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • James Taylor: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Jon: 5 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Jordan: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Luke: 75 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Asking JoJo why she got rid of him/what went wrong (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Admitting that feelings still remain for JoJo (20 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Nick B.: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Robby: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Vinny: 25 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
  • Wells: 30 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Will: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)

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Season 12 Episode 9: Points

Well, the themes of this week were heartbreak and swamp ass. Why they insist on traveling to the center of Satan’s butt crack for these final episodes is beyond me. Then again, the very existence of this show relies almost exclusively on people having bad judgement, so maybe I’ll shut up.

So now to points…

  1. Chase came SO CLOSE to getting those beautiful 50 points for coming back to the show…only he explicitly stated that he was not coming back for another chance. We will consider adding a category for coming back to the show to save face and position yourself as a candidate for the next Bachelor.
  2. There is no more greatly contested category than the “I love you” category. We’ve held the line and insisted that the ONLY way to earn those points is to actually say those three words, in that order. The points below reflect that policy. That said…I’m not 100% sure on whether Robby ever said “I love you” this episode. He definitely said “I’ve fallen in love with you.” If you know he said “I love you,” let us know and we can revisit.

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  • Chase (165 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Interrupting a Rose Ceremony to ask to speak to the Bachelorette alone (20 points)
  • Jordan (195 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (3o points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Luke (20 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Robby (155 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette (10 points)
    • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
    • Saying “I’ve fallen in love with you” to the Bachelorette (2o points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++

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Season 12: Men Tell All Points Categories

In keeping with the tradition of the past few seasons, we’re continuing to score the “Men Tell All” episode this year. Remember, these points will count in addition to all the regular categories during this episode. We’re hoping that this gives teams who aren’t doing as well a chance to catch up and make the finale even more exciting in your leagues.

Here are the bonus MTA points categories:

  • Entering a guess as to which man will get the final rose (5 points)
  • Apologizing to another contestant (5 points)
  • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points; available once per contestant)
  • Saying the word “bromance” (5 points)
  • Apologizing to JoJo for his behavior on the show (10 points)
  • Speaking negatively about/toward JoJo (10 points)
  • Mentioning a new romantic interest in his life (10 points)
  • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Asking JoJo why she got rid of him/what went wrong (15 points)
  • Admitting that feelings still remain for JoJo (20 points)
  • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
  • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Must be officially announced on the show 

Season 12, Episode 8: Points

Last night, we went on a whirlwind tour of JoJo’s suitors’ formative hometowns in Highlands Ranch, CO; Chico, CA; St. Augustine, FL; and Burnet, TX. The episode ended with the dreaded To Be Continued, chapping the nation’s collective ass. We’ll have to wait for the earth to rotate six more times before finding out who gets the invitations to the fantasy suite. SIGH.

Stay tuned for a post detailing Men Tell All points categories. We like to do something *~*speshul*~* for that ep.

Onto the puntos. Chase was the only one who collected the Wildcard Points, for having a family member cry on camera.

  • Chase: 135 points 
    • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Wildcard points: family member crying (20 points)
  • Jordan: 85 points 
    • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Luke: 105 points 
    • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Interrupting a rose ceremony to ask to speak with the Bachelorette alone (20 points)
  • Robby: 80 points 
    • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Season 12 Episode 7: Points

First, a caveat: We were a man down tonight, so I tweeted and scored. I think I got everything, but speak up if I missed anything. FYI, guys will get points for making it to hometowns next week, and the guys did not get points for singing on the bus since it was not to JoJo (though it was awesome).

How did your team do going into Hometowns? We did the math for you.

  • Alex: 60 points 
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another country (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Chase: 45 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James Taylor: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Jordan: 120 points 
    • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Wildcard points (First to appear shirtless) (20 points)
  • Luke: 55 points 
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Robby: 85 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body party blurred on camera (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 12, Episode 6: Points

Last night’s episode was a little on the nose (en la nariz), no? Between the love triangle tango and the woman belting out “Evita” on a balcony while Derek bawled in the limo on his way to the airport…the producers weren’t being subtle. That’s okay. We don’t watch “The Bachelorette” for subtlety. We watch for the elaborate picnic spreads, the chopper rides to remote lagoons, the fumbled metaphors comparing rappelling down a building to falling in love. And dammit, the Bach delivers time and time again.

Onto the points.

Robby snagged the wildcard points last name, 15 points for speaking a full sentence in Spanish (when he read the date card that said “Besame, besame, muchacho”).

  • Alex: 50 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chase: 95 points 
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the two-on-one date (40 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Derek: 90 points 
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • James Taylor: 70 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jordan: 70 points 
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Luke: 60 points (stat correction)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
  • Robby: 65 points (stat correction)
    • Wildcard points (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wells: 65 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 12, Episode 5: Recap

Episode 5 begins with a jubilant celebration about Chad’s departure, and the guys really turn it up for the producers with this one. They scatter his protein powder like ashes throughout the backwoods of Pittsburgh as Wells delivers a touching eulogy, at one point calling him “the worst person” they’d ever met.
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Their joy is short-lived, though, because Chad is back to settle some beef (and probably eat some beef, amirite?). Daniel, the male blow-up doll they hired as Chad’s sidekick for the season, lets him back in the house and Chad tries to act like it’s not fucking nuts that he’s there.

Eventually, Jordan, who is trying to play it cool but has terror in his eyes, confronts Chad to insult him and then try to shake his hand? Idk, I got bored and stopped paying attention. I prefer Chad when he’s strutting around the house with a suitcase attached to his pants, chomping on a whole sweet potato. Like, can these guys just get the ruler and unzip their pants already? We’re over this. Anyway, after an ultimately anticlimactic final departure, Alex returns from the two-on-one date. The guys celebrate as if Alex had been the one to take out bin Laden and present him with a plate of cupcakes to smash his face into, which must be equivalent to a Purple Heart in the alternate universe that is The Bachelorette.

The mood quickly changes, however, once they remember that with or without Chad, they’re still ten guys who share the same girlfriend. Cue the hatin’.

With this, the guys all up the ante at the cocktail party — James F. reads JoJo a poem about how much he digs her and JoJo is all, “Aww, James. That’s your name right?” Chase ships in some inflatable orbs that they squeeze on top of their formalwear so they could run into each other. Jordan presses her up against a wall for a steamy makeout sesh. All in a day’s work.

In the end, we bid adieu to James F. and Daniel, who insists in his exit interview that he’d still be here if this show was based solely on looks. I think I’m actually going to miss Daniel.

JoJo wraps up the party by announcing that they’re headed to Uruguay. The guys are all pumped, though I think maybe half of them actually know where Uruguay is and the other half just know that it’s not rural Pennsylvania.

With a new location, comes a new enemy. Suddenly, Jordan is regarded as a shady motherfucker.
thats-why-her-hair-is-so-big-dot-dot-dot-its-full-of-secrets

Vinny, speaking on camera for the first time this season, presents some pretty damning evidence: Jordan plays football AND THERE WAS A FOOTBALL DATE. Coincidence? Ha, we’re not stupid ABC. This shit’s rigged.

Adding fuel to the fire, Jordan gets the first one-on-one date in Uruguay. They swim with seals, which is not a thing I knew you could do. During “dinner,” JoJo confronts Jordan about rumors she heard from someone she likely met a Conference for Exceptionally Attractive Women (sponsored by Flat Tummy Tea). Allegedly, Jordan was not a very good boyfriend in the past. Jordan shifts uncomfortably in his seat and weakly insists that that was then and this is now. “Was there cheating?” JoJo asks plainly. “No,” Jordan lies. She’s like, “Ok, cool, if you say so,” and they move on. I’ve said this in the past and I’ll say it again: the best way to identify an asshole is simply to ask the suspected asshole if he sucks. They’ll always own up to it.

Back at whatever hotel is sponsoring this trip, the guys are discussing an issue of In Touch magazine that just happened to end up in their room. Its cover story is about JoJo and her ex-boyfriend Chad, allegedly canoodling off camera during Ben’s season. This other Chad is clearly thirsty for reality show fame. Recall that he sent JoJo a handwritten letter begging for another chance, perfectly timed to arrive right before her hometown date with Ben. The producers confront JoJo with the magazine. She books it to the guys’ suite in tears to address the story. The guys all immediately denounce this Chad and all Chads and pledge their undying support to JoJo.

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Next, JoJo takes the group date crew sandboarding, which is like snowboarding, but on a pile of sand. This is fun for about 15 seconds. Alex decides it’s much more fun to hate someone than to eat sand, so he begins a crusade against Derek. Honestly, it’s boring and annoying and I’m over Alex and his Napoleon complex.

Robby gets the last date of the episode, and he and JoJo stroll through Punta del Este, tasting some local food before finding themselves on a cliff that they decide to jump off. They undress down to their bathing suits, and Robby is wearing Lily Pulitzer for Chubbies (if that collaboration hasn’t happened yet, it’s only a matter of time). They jump and emerge from the water in love.

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At dinner, Robby opens up to JoJo about losing his best friend and how it made him reevaluate his life and choices. He dumped his girlfriend and came on “The Bachelorette,” so it seems like he really learned something. He does tell JoJo that he’s fallen in love with her, which is obviously bonkers, but this is what we’re here for, people. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
We move right into the rose ceremony and say goodbye to Vinny (now who will keep all those pompadours in tip-top shape??), Grant, and Evan. Evan weeps about how he disappointed himself and his children and America and all the other boner doctors in the world. His genuine sadness and lack of self-awareness is both hilarious and sort of endearing.

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Introducing Season 12’s Mid-Season Draft

The rumors are true. The mid-season draft is upon us.

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If you’re struggling in your league, this could change everything. You have the opportunity to nab a frontrunner.

The Rules:

– If your team is NOT fully intact (i.e., you no longer have all of the contestants you originally drafted):
  • You can draft exactly one more dude to your roster.

– If your team IS fully intact:

  • You get a bonus of 50 points
  • OR you can swap out one of your existing contestants for another dude

When To Draft:

– You should complete the mid-season draft BEFORE the start of Episode 6 on Monday. Email your league commissioner with your chosen contestant. May the Bach gods smile upon you.

Questions? Comments? Recent nightmares you need analyzed? Let us know in the comments.

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Season 12, Episode 5: Points

The moral of last night’s episode? NEVER date a Chad. 15 wildcard points went to Jordan, who was the first man to celebrate Chad leaving the house.

The mid-season draft will take place this week, if your league is choosing to participate! Stay tuned for a post on Wednesday (tomorrow) with details.

  • Alex: 50 points 
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chad: 0 points
  • Chase: 70 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Daniel: 0 points
  • Derek: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Saying “steal her away” during said interrupting (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
  • Evan: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Grant: 35 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • James F.: o points
  • James Taylor: 70 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Note: we did not award instrument points because he wasn’t playing the guitar for the Bachelorette herself or singing a song about her
  • Jordan: 115 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Luke: 70 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Robby: 150 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Vinny: 35 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wells: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

+++++++++++++++++

Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 12, Episodes 3 and 4: Recap

It’s going to be a doozy of a recap because we have four hours of Bachelorette to cap. Like Evan scraping the bottom of the pool with his schnoz, let’s dive in.

Chase and JoJo go on a one-on-one date at a yoga studio, in which the sole purpose is to embarrass them. Listen, betches, we do yoga regularly. That wasn’t yoga. Have you ever made out with someone in yoga? I have, but I’ve been asked not to return to that studio anymore. What do you think Chase was thinking about while they were yib-yabbing to avoid pitching a tent in his yoga shorts?

Chase is hot and seems nice enough, so he gets the rose. In about 20 minutes we’ll have moved on to bigger and better Chads, forgetting all about Chase.

The group date consists of each of the men telling a funny sex anecdote in front of a studio audience. Grant’s story about losing his virginity in a park and being busted by the cops was adorable. Wells pantomimed ripping ass in a major way, and I donno, I fell in love a little bit. Lots of men told stories about being walked in on mid-coitus. Coitus interruptus, if you will [high five gif]. Evan’s story about roid rage (and how Chad has it) was kinda lame and he was totally prodded by the producers to say it. Chad rips Evan’s shirt while he’s en route back to his seat, and then punches a door backstage, proving definitively that he is on steroids, so maybe Evan was just performing a public service.

Chad, fresh off his rage blackout, goes up onstage last and tries to make a speech — not about his sexual past, but rather his future. He goes in to kiss JoJo and she gives him the cheek. It’s an amazing burn.  

Back at the mansion, no one feels safe with Chad roaming the property, doing pull-ups on furniture and wolfing down meat — so the producers hire a Rent-a-Cop to do laps around the pool with a stern look on his face. Great. Instead of alleviating the Chad problem, I now have another man’s safety to fear for. Run while you can, Rent-a-Cop!

Finally, Evan decides Chad’s aggression is so serious that it’s time to tell Dad. So he stops Chris Harrison and does just that. Chris pulls Chad aside to confront him about his threats of violence and encourages him to use his words. Chad returns to the house to angrily not apologize, and Chris Harrison wipes sweat from his brow, having worked the most he will all season.

Episode 4 opens up with a pool party instead of a cocktail party. Evan thinks he’s competing in the X Games of synchronized swimming and manages to emerge from his swan dive with a bloody nose. I’m embarrassed.

The rose ceremony sees Ali, Christian, and Nick B. heading home. Guess JoJo heard Chad’s earlier warning about staying the eff away from nice guys.

Moody Luke gets the first one on one date. JoJo arranges for a posse of sled dogs to pull their Go-Kart through the woods to a clearing with a hot tub. Apparently this is a wood burning hot tub or some shit, so first they have to chop wood to make it hot. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Do I have to do everything?

They wrap things up by ignoring the meal in front of them and then shamelessly making out in front of Generic Country Band and their audience, claiming to the camera that they’re so into each other, they don’t even notice the crowd of screaming people taking photos of them.

On the football date, the crew heads to the Steelers stadium, where alleged rapist Ben Roethlisberger is tossing around the pigskin. JoJo asks him for dating advice, which is like asking Subway Jared to help you choose a babysitter. Between the chronic concussions and its wife-beating professional players, the NFL has a serious PR problem. So whose idea was it to call up Big Ben for a cameo on “The Bachelorette,” whose audience is primarily female? Roger Goodell, call us before you do literally anything else. Like don’t even order lunch without running it past us. The NFL is such a dumpster fire right now.

James Taylor cracks an eyebrow open and rebuffs the medic’s suggestion that he go get stitches — because if there’s anything more important than not having a facial scar for the rest of your life, it’s winning a game of five-on-five touch football on a reality show.

Alex and Chad get the two-on-one date, proving once again that there is a God and he/she wants us to be happy. When that duo choppered up the river en route to the date, all I could think of was this scene from Apocalypse Now. They go on a hike and each take the opportunity to bust out their provided hatchets and hack away at some innocent plantlife because #testosterone. Whose idea was it give Chad a hatchet, btw? I just did a full-body shudder thinking about the fact that Chad likely owns guns back at home.  

JoJo hikes off-camera with a gaggle of producers and begs them to allow her to give Chad a Viking funeral. Oh, sure, they say. Get rid of Chad, they say. They high-five and laugh maniacally behind JoJo’s back as she boots Chad into the river and leaps into Alex’s arms.

Cut to the next scene. We see Chad hiking through the forest at twilight, Blair Witch Project-style. He’s not going home. He’s whistling to himself and strolling somewhere, muttering about having to “get Alex.”

Finally, he reaches the Bachelor mansion where the dudes are celebrating Chad’s departure. PREMATURELY CELEBRATING, mind you. Our villain won’t go down without a fight. He places both hands on the glass window and slides them down. Several men in the house scream. I screamed.

I actually said aloud, “God, this is good TV.” I doff my cap to the Bachelorette producers.

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