Season 21, Episode 2: Points

An episode two cliffhanger, as I live and breathe! ABC, you keep us guessing, you saucy little minx. This episode saw Corinne revealing herself as a potential villain and Liz packing her bags to go home. We also saw Josephine go method during her faux break-up scene with Nick. Look out, Meryl Streep, our girl Josephine is young, hungry, and gunning for ya.

We’ve never had a points category for slapping before because it just doesn’t happen frequently enough on this show to warrant it. But maybe we need to reconsider that stance for next year. Slaps are like meteorites. They don’t come around often, but dammit, you’re happy to see ’em when they do.

Some women earned 0 points this episode, even though they weren’t sent home. Next week (as is the case with all episodes following cliffhangers), women will receive points for  each rose they receive; in other words, we’ll be counting both rose ceremonies.

Wildcard points went to our shotgun bride, Alexis, for being the first to be bleeped for swearing while she was on her back grunting out an infant. 10 points, and mazel on the baby. Oh, and while we’re at it, happy birthday to your sweater puppies. The card’s in the mail.

  • Alexis: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wildcard points: first one to get bleeped for swearing (10 points)
  • Astrid: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Brittany: 60 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred (30 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Christen: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Corinne: 145 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Being a part of the winning team on a group date (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal him away” during said interruption (5 points)
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Getting the group date rose (35 points)
  • Danielle L.: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Danielle M.:  100 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points
    • Mentioning an ex-fiance (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Dominique: 0 points
  • Elizabeth “Liz”: 10 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Elizabeth: 20 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Hailey: 10 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Jaimi: 10 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Jasmine G: 20 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Josephine: 10 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Kristina: 10 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Lacey: 20 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Rachel: 0 points
  • Raven: 20 points 
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal him away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Sarah: 10 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Taylor: 30 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal him away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Vanessa: 10 points
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Whitney: 0 points

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Season 21, Episode 1: Recap

ANNND WE’RE OFF. How’d your drafting go? Think you got a team of ringers? With 30 contestants, it was harder than ever to pick this season. Here’s what went down.

We “Meet” Nick

As is custom in Bachelor premieres, we get to know our “new” Bachelor by letting his body do the talking. Nick’s abs go running, Nick’s abs take a shower, etc. The scene basically cuts straight from Nick’s groin in the shower, to his 45-person family sitting around a picnic table and discussing his TV dating career. Nick gets dating advice from his little sister Bella, who we have all now seen grow up on TV. She implores Nick to pick up the girls in “cool rides,” make eye contact, stop mumbling, and be honest about his thoughts. All in all, pretty solid advice. Bella is one of the more rational women we’ll meet this episode.

But first! Nick needs to talk it out with some former Bachelors. It makes sense for Sean and Ben to be there, as they have been successful on this show. Chris, go home. Your corn needs you. As far as pep talks go, I’d give this one a 4/10. They spend more time reminding Nick that many viewers hate his guts than they spend on anything else. In the end, they assure him that they really like him, so surely he’ll be fine. Nick seems scared.

Intros

We meet a handful of girls via their pre-show interviews, getting a glimpse into their careers, whatever recreational activities they choose to do in a bikini, and their favorite spots to stare off into the distance and consider their love lives.

First, we meet Rachel and immediately she is not like the others. She has a career as an attorney, is age-appropriate for Nick, walks down the street in comfortable shoes and a reasonable dress, and dances around her apartment vacuuming in her spare time. Put a ring on it, Nick.    

Then there’s Danielle who owns several nail salons and Vanessa, a trilingual special needs teacher. I like both these ladies, but as a former teacher, I call bullshit on Vanessa walking the halls of her school in stilettos. Girl, please. Show us your Danskos.

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We get a little taste of Josephine, who fell right into the producers’ trap. They film her meowing to her cat, shouting to innocent passersby on the boardwalk, and playing both parts in a conversation between her and Nick. If you look closely enough, you can see a faint expiration date stamped on her head by the end of this segment.

And now for the main event: Corinne. “Corinne’s world is glamorous,” Corinne tells us. She “runs a multi-million dollar company” from her parents’ sunny Miami balcony while a poor woman employed as her “nanny” brings her sliced cucumbers. Despite the fact that she outsources snack preparation, this 24-year-old simply hasn’t had time to find true love.

We cycle quickly through the next batch: Alexis, the token weirdo — sumo costume, shark costume, aggressive NJ accent. Next. Raven talks about family, faith, football while walking on some abandoned train tracks. Clear eyes, full hearts, PIG SOOOOOIE. Got it. We meet Danielle M., a docile neonatal nurse and Taylor, a rollerblading mental health counselor. Finally, we have Liz, who boned Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, declined to share her number with him, and then acts like it’s not fucking nuts that she showed up to date him on a TV show. More on her later.

The limo entrances are all horribly awkward. If the women aren’t shitting on Nick about his Bachelor past, they’re making sex jokes that would make even the most immature 6th grade boy cringe. There’s a lot of illusion netting, a camel, an UNCOOKED hot dog in a book (literally), a beard massage, the beginning of an incredibly unsexy rectal exam, and a dolphin in a shark costume. Nick alternates between looking tentatively happy and horrified the entire time.

Cocktail Party

The cocktail party proceeds just as we expect it to. Nick takes turns having three minute conversations with as many ladies as possible, while the group that he’s not talking to devolves into a paranoid mess — strategizing with early allies, spying on Nick and whoever he is talking to, and obsessively adjusting hair and dresses.

Nick speaks to Rachel first. They talk about their families and Rachel’s career and it’s quite nice. Nick’s into it and so are we. He spends some time with Christen, who is wearing neon yellow lace and reminiscent of Gloria (Isla Fisher) from Wedding Crashers. In other words, she’s crazeballs. She has a perma-smile and fawns over Nick’s ability to follow along as she instructs him to step in the shape of a square (they’re dancing, she says).  It’s a lot.

Chris Harrison comes in and silently sets down the First Impression Rose, which accelerates the emotional unraveling of a number of women. Time to go big or go home.

Corinne produces a burlap sack full of change, that she gifts to Nick. Nick, confused, asks if he is to exchange these for hugs. Think bigger, buddy.

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Nick finally resigns to having a producer-mandated conversation with Alexis, the grown woman swimming in the pool in a shark costume. He will not concede that she is dressed as a dolphin. He has to draw the line somewhere. You have to admire Alexis’ commitment, gripping her cocktail in her fin, insisting that she is. not. a. shark.

Finally, Nick and Liz talk. Liz is surprised that Nick remembers her. Nick is surprised she expected him not to. I’m on Team Nick here. We’re not talking about a DFMO (dance floor make out) here. You’re not supposed to remember those. If you presented me with a lineup composed exclusively of men I’ve DFMOed, I would recognize 0%. But these two boned. In a twist, Nick let’s out the first “not here for the right reasons” of the season, not exaaaaactly accusing Liz, but not NOT accusing her either. She responds that she’s not the type of person to ask for someone’s number. Yes, that would be bananas.

Rose

Look, a lot of nameless faces went home: Angela, Briana, Ida Marie, Jasmine B., Lauren, Michelle, Olivia, and Susannah. We hardly knew ye. And by the looks of the season preview — buckle up, fantasy team owners. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 21, Episode 1: Points

We’re off to the races! Nick’s fourth attempt at nationally televised love is underway. And as always, we’re here to help you compete against your friends, family, and coworkers for all the glory, accolades, and bragging rights that come with being a BachFantasy Champion.

We post our Wildcard Points Category every Monday on Twitter, so be sure to follow us there. Wildcard points last night: 20 points were up for grabs to the first lady who arrived to the Bachelor mansion in something other than formalwear. Alexis won that handily, dressed as Left Shark from Katy Perry’s Super Bowl performance. Her dolphin call upset the shit out of my dog. He had to leave the room.

Reminder: you can use our Season 21 Scoring Template to keep track of your league’s points.

  • Alexis: 65 points
    • Wearing a costume native to another country (sumo wrestler) (5 points)
    • Wildcard points (20 points)
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Angela: 10 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (picture frame) (5 points)
  • Astrid: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Briana: 25 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Brittany: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Christen: 30 points
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Corinne: 45 points
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (that random-ass bag of tokens) (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Danielle L.: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Danielle M.: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Dominique: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Elizabeth “Liz”: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Elizabeth: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Hailey: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ida Marie: 0 points
  • Jaimi: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jasmine B: 0 points
  • Jasmine G: 55 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Josephine: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Kristina: 50 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lacey: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren: 25 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Michelle: 0 points
  • Olivia: 0 points
  • Rachel: 50 points
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Raven: 30 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Sarah: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Susannah: 0 points
  • Taylor: 30 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Vanessa: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Whitney: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

 

 

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Researching Your Draft Picks: Season 21

Nick’s career with the Bachelor franchise is like one of those trick birthday candles. Ladies keep blowing his light out, he keeps coming right on back. Will one of this year’s 30 aspiring dolphins contestants be the one to finally…dump a bucket of water on his head (I’ve lost control of this metaphor) and end this cycle ? We sure hope so. 

We’re here to help you draft a winning team. Read on for our take on this year’s cast. We’ll see you on Twitter tomorrow night and back here for episode one points!

Alexis | Age: 23 | Aspiring Dolphin Trainer | Seacaucus, NJ
Choice line from her bio: Her ex-boyfriend told her she “had a mustache at a Giant’s game.” When’s the wedding?
We need to hear more about: Honestly, this mustache scene. I hope she dumped 10 beers on him and spiked a football on his head.
Draftability: 5/10

Angela | Age: 26 | Model | Greenville, SC
Choice line from her bio: This girl is ready to get wifed up. To all the modeling casting agents in Greenville, SC: book Angela while you can. She’s leaving the scene behind for a shiny new minivan as soon as she can.
We need to hear more about: Her habit of licking the popcorn bag. I’m not here to food shame anyone, but that’s a little weird. On second thought, I don’t need to hear any more about it.
Draftability: 4/10

Astrid | Age: 26 | Plastic Surgery Office Manager | Tampa, FL
Choice line from her bio: Astrid’s biggest fear is “dying alone and getting old and wrinkly.” Just really getting right to the point, huh?
We need to hear more about: What she thinks dolphins do. Is the average dolphin out there rescuing sailors and jumping through hula hoops in the middle of the Atlantic?
Draftability: 6/10

Briana | Age: 28 | Surgical Unit Nurse | Salt Lake City, UT
Choice line from her bio: She (along with every. other. girl.) wants to be Ariel because she “has great hair, cool animal friends, and marries a cutie.” Let’s be real, that’s what we all want (especially the part about animal friends).
We need to hear more about: Why she used up one of her 5 “can’t live without it” items for socks. Socks? Really? Socks?
Draftability: 6/10

Brittany | Age: 26 | Travel Nurse | Santa Monica, CA
Choice line from her bio: She admires Beyonce the most in the world because she’s “a strong, sexy, independent woman who can sing and dance like no other.” Girl, YES. Not only is Beyonce the correct answer to this question, I was half expecting to hear that she admired some famous dolphin based on the way these bios have been going.
We need to hear more about: What she would cook to impress a man. Based on that answer and her love for Beyonce, I think I’D like to offer Brittany a rose.
Draftability: 8/10 (I’m obviously biased)

Christen | Age: 25 | Wedding Videographer | Tulsa, OK
Choice line from her bio: If she could break a law, she’d break into the White House and observe what really goes on there. I’m with her big time, but preferably before January 20, 2017. I don’t think I have the stomach for what I’d likely hear after that…
We need to hear more about: Why she spelled her name wrong. What gives, Kristen?
Draftability: 7/10

Corinne | Age: 24 | Business Owner | Miami, FL
Choice line from her bio: Her ideal date is “just us, the ultimate dining experience in an amazing place.” I don’t know if you’ve seen this show before, Corinne, but I think you’re in the right place.
We need to hear more about: What her “business” is. Idk about you but this smells like a “We invented Post-Its” sort of sitch.

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Draftability: 7/10

Danielle L.  | Age: 27 | Small Business Owner | Los Angeles, CA
Choice line from her bio: She listens to the Glee soundtrack and is embarrassed about it. Listen, if any non-Glee musicians want to try and top The Warblers version of Teenage Dream, knock your socks off. Until then, Danielle and I, will be listening to Glee tunes and not apologizing for it.
We need to hear more about: Why she wants to be Olivia Pope. OP’s live seems stressful as hell. I think I’d last all of 5 minutes as Olivia Pope before I gave myself a heart attack waiting for Cyrus or someone to shoot me with a poison dart in Gettysburger.
Draftability: 7/10

Danielle M.  | Age: 31 | Neonatal Nurse | Nashville, TN
Choice line from her bio: Her fiance passed away. Let’s hope this is not another Sanderson Poe situation. Please don’t be a raging psychopath like Kelsey, Danielle.
We need to hear more about: Why she’d waste her chance to break any law eating ice cream on the sidewalk in Louisiana. While I ALWAYS support eating ice cream, there are way cooler laws to break, Danielle. Let’s talk.
Draftability: 8/10

Dominique | Age: 25 | Restaurant Server | Los Angeles, CA
Choice line from her bio: Her choice for a group lunch date would be “My grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jesus – and we’d be eating burritos from Chipotle.” Welp, alright.
We need to hear more about: What kind of burrito she orders from Chipotle. They came up in two different answers, so they must be important to her (which I respect). Does she spring for guac? How many salsas?
Draftability: 4/10

Elizabeth “Liz” | Age: 29 | Doula | Las Vegas, NV
Choice line from her bio: If Liz never had to “kill someone”, she’d be very happy. Jesus, Liz. Like, same, but way to take it to the next level.
We need to hear more about: The meaning of all her tattoos. Lizzie’s got a lot of ink. Wonder what the “tree” and “another tree” are all about.
Draftability: 6/10

Elizabeth | Age: 25 | Marketing Manager | Dallas, TX
Choice line from her bio: Elizabeth claims to have “misophonia,” which according to WebMD (I’m paraphrasing here) is some sort of intense emotional response to a minor sound, typically from someone else’s body – the noise of someone eating, breathing, yawning, etc. Apparently reactions can range from anxiety to the desire to kill whoever is making the noise. Don’t mind if I stay the hell away from Elizabeth.
We need to hear more about: What “organized messy” is. I think you only get to pick one…
Draftability: 4/10

Hailey | Age: 23 | Photographer | Vancouver, BC, Canada
Choice line from her bio: Hailey tells us “only children are strange.” Good thing we know from both of his hometowns that Nick has 45 siblings. He’ll pass Hailey’s test.
We need to hear more about: This “Hank” tattoo. Hailey casually mentions that she has a tattoo of “Hank” on her forearm, but offers no explanation or context.
Draftability: 8/10

Ida Marie | Age: 23 | Sales Manager | Harlingen, TX
Choice line from her bio: When asked about her favorite book of all-time, Ida admits “I need to read more books.” Like more than zero? You can’t even name one?
We need to hear more about: Seriously, can Ida read? Her answer to two questions was that she needs to read more books.
Draftability: 7/10 – Literacy and success on this show are not correlated

Jaimi | Age: 28 | Chef | New Orleans, LA
Choice line from her bio: Jaimi’s worst date involved being sung to in a restaurant. I, too, have been sung to against my will, and can confirm it is the living worst.
We need to hear more about: When she catered the Oscars. Hullo, dish us up some hot Hollywood gos please and thanks, Jaimi. 
Draftability: 4/10

Jasmine B. | Age: 25 | Flight Attendant | Tacoma, WA
Choice line from her bio: I KNOW I was just complaining about how Ida can’t name any authors or books, but that may be preferable to Jasmine’s answer, which is Steve Harvey. You’re thinking of the right Steve Harvey. That’s who she picked. The Family Feud guy. 

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We need to hear more about: Her prior engagement and why he wasn’t deserving of her greatness.
Draftability: 3/10 – The Steve Harvey thing really hurt her

Jasmine G. | Age: 29 | Pro Basketball Dancer | San Francisco, CA
Choice line from her bio: Honestly, there are a couple of doozies in this one. I’ll go with her referring to herself as the “girl version” of Guy Fieri, which feels like one of the biggest insults you could possibly cast on yourself..
We need to hear more about: Her ideal lunch. Mainly, how do I score an invite. Pizza with RuPaul, Dave Chapelle, and Prince? I’m in, as long as Guy Fieri has nothing to do with it.
Draftability: 4/10

Josephine | Age: 24 | Registered Nurse | Santa Cruz, CA
Choice line from her bio: Josephine was one of the few people capable of naming an author/book other than “Steve Harvey” or “n/a.”
We need to hear more about: Her theater skills. It’s inevitable that there will be some absurd group date that requires public humiliation a performance, so hopefully Josephine is game to dust them off.
Draftability: 5/10

Kristina | Age: 24 | Dental Hygienist | Lexington, KY
Choice line from her bio: Kristina tells us she is her favorite clothing designer, because when she can’t find something to wear, she’ll just make her own outfit. I…ok…whatever, we’ll let her have this one.
We need to hear more about: Her backstory/adoption. And I’m sure we will. If the hours we’ve dedicated to this show have taught us anything, it’s that a contestant will share stories of emotional trauma, and then use that as an opportunity to french the Bachelor.
Draftability: 7/10

Lacey | Age: 25 | Digital Marketing Manager | Manhattan, NY
Choice line from her bio: Lacey’s biggest date fear is that the guy would have another date right after hers. This is how I know she really does live in NYC, because that shit happens here.
We need to hear more about: What she plans to talk about with Joe Jonas and Shakespeare. Possibilities are endless really.
Draftability: 5/10

Lauren | Age: 30 | Law School Graduate | Naples, FL
Choice line from her bio: Lauren tells us that if she could go anywhere in the U.S., she’d pick “state parks like the Grand Canyon and Utah.” Ah yes, Utah has always been my favorite park.
We need to hear more about: Her job. According to her bio, Lauren is a “law school graduate,” (not a lawyer?), but her Instagram suggests she’s just one detox tea sponsorship away from starting her own lifestyle brand.
Draftability: 8/10

Michelle | Age: 24 | Food Truck Owner | Los Angeles, CA
Choice line from her bio: To impress a man, she’d take him kayaking. When I want to impress a man, I usually choose an activity that requires a helmet too. Talk about a panty dropper.
We need to hear more about: How she arrived at the right meal for each hypothetical guest. Michelle interpreted the directions a little differently and named a distinct meal for each lunch guest – Dumbledore gets a roast, Gwen Stefani gets tacos, and Princess Diana gets fish and chips.
Draftability: 5/10

Olivia | Age: 25 | Apparel Sales Representative | Anchorage, AK
Choice line from her bio: The most outrageous thing Olivia has ever done was to try out for her high school football team and become the kicker. I’ll give it to her, that’s pretty badass.
We need to hear more about: This maid of honor speech. I’ve given a few and know they can be nerve wracking, but I truly can’t imagine throwing my hands up in the air and abandoning the whole thing in the middle of it. This may not bode well for her career on TV… 
Draftability: 7/10

Rachel | Age: 31 | Attorney | Dallas, TX
Choice line from her bio: Rachel would choose to be Michelle Obama for the day if given the option. YAS. Thank you. To be honest, I’d have been happy with any answer other than GUY FIERI, but Michelle Obama IS the correct answer to this question.
We need to hear more about: Rachel seems like a relatively normal, successful, boss bitch. What are we missing? Why is poor Rachel dragging herself onto The Bachelor? Clearly she’s too normal and will leave after no more than 3 episodes, with her dignity intact.
Draftability: 5/10

Raven | Age: 25 | Fashion Boutique Owner | Hoxie, AR
Choice line from her bio: Two in a row with solid answers to this question. Raven tells us that she would choose to be Blue Ivy for the day, which is one of the few other acceptable answers to this question
We need to hear more about: What type of fashions is she selling at her boutique? What are the ladies of Hoxie, AR feelin’ these days?
Draftability: 5/10

Sarah | Age: 26 | Grade School Teacher | Newport Beach, CA
Choice line from her bio: Sarah tells us that the most outrageous thing she’s done is a toss up between appearing on The Bachelor or moving to NYC with “3 bucks, 2 bags, 1 me.” That last piece she lifted from little orphan Annie, and if you also knew that immediately, we can be friends.
We need to hear more about: What the big effing deal about having a star named after you? Maybe I’m a scrooge, but I’M SO SURE that there are actually individual, unique stars being named after people. It’s definitely not a company just selling you a piece of cardstock with a Clip Art constellation on it for $29.99.
Draftability: 7/10

Susannah | Age: 26 | Account Manager | San Diego, CA
Choice line from her bio: Susannah apparently tried the bend and snap and almost concussed herself in the process. Be careful out there, ladies.
We need to hear more about: The appeal of wearing a seashell bra. Susannah wants to be Ariel, and, like, fine, but one of her reasons is that Ariel wears a seashell bra. Idk about you gals, but that sounds painful af. The last thing I need my bras to be is harder.
Draftability: 5/10

Taylor | Age: 23 | Mental Health Counselor | Seattle, WA
Choice line from her bio: Taylor favorite clothing designer is Forever 21. Bless.
We need to hear more about: ABC picked boring questions to share for Taylor. How am I supposed to know if I like her unless I know whether she wants to be a dolphin or not?!
Draftability: 5/10

Vanessa | Age: 29 | Special Education Teacher | Montreal, Canada
Choice line from her bio: Vanessa’s most romantic gift was a promise ring, which would make sense as an answer…if she weren’t a current contestant on The Bachelor. Either that promise was broken or we’re about to have a deliciously dramatic season.
We need to hear more about: Why the hell she’d choose to be an onion. Definitely pick the veggie that instantly makes everyone around you cry. Sure.
Draftability: 3/10

Whitney | Age: 25 | Pilates Instructor | Chanhassen, MN
Choice line from her bio: When asked how much she enjoys the theater, Whitney tells us “I like going to movies but also fun to rent them at home.” Not the question, dear.
We need to hear more about: I’ll pass here. I’m tired and Whitney is boring me.
Draftability: 4/10

Welcome to “The Bachelor” Fantasy League, Season 21

‘ello ello! Welcome to what is sure to be another thrilling go-round of the original Bachelor Fantasy League. If this is your first time playing, read on for all the gory details below. If you could play BachFantasy in your sleep at this point, welcome back, my beautiful butterflies. We’ve missed you.

HOW OUR BACHELOR FANTASY LEAGUE WORKS

1) Gather your “Bachelor”-loving friends and coworkers, and choose a League Commissioner. The Commissioner is responsible for tallying league members’ points each week and sharing the standings with the league.

2) Choose how your league is going to run your draft (read more on that below) and submit your contestant picks to your league commissioner.

3) Watch “The Bachelor” every Monday night, beginning January 2 on ABC.

4) Visit this blog every Tuesday morning to see how each of your contestants scored. The league commissioner should add up the point totals for each team in order to figure out the weekly rankings. You can use our BachFantasy Scoring Template to keep track of your league members’ scores.

THE DRAFT

You have a few options when it comes to drafting your Bachelor fantasy league team of five contestants. Click here to read more about how to draft your team.

POINTS CATEGORIES

When picking contestants, you’re the team owner. So, go with your gut. The Crazies earn a lot of points (and they’re the very lifeblood of the show’s existence), but you’ll be most rewarded for picking contestants who go the distance.

Points are divided into Phrases, Actions, and Roses. We post a wildcard points category on Twitter every Monday before the episode airs, so be sure to follow us there for the latest info.

There will also be a mid-season draft after Episode 5 in which you’ll be able to add one player to your team if it’s no longer intact. Don’t worry about that for now; there will be more deets later. Onto the points!

Phrases

  • Talking about her parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Mentioning her kid (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiance or husband (10 points)
  • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
  • Discussing her virginity (15 points)
  • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelor or “I’m falling for/in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelor (30 points)
  • Telling the Bachelor that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (30 points)
  • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelor (50 points)

Actions

  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Bonus: using the phrase “steal [the Bachelor] away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Singing or playing an instrument (5 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelor a gift (5 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Must be sitting on the ground
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelor on a group date (15 points)
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelor’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Interrupting a rose ceremony to ask to speak with the Bachelor alone (20 points)
  • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Must actually see moisture fall. We’re sticklers on this. 
  • Having a secret boyfriend at home (25 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
    • Only for nudity; having your mouth blurred for profanity doesn’t count
  • Leaving the show early on her own accord (30 points)
  • Drafting the next Bachelorette on your team (40 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Roses

  • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points, only available first night)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
  • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Refusing the Fantasy Suite when the Bachelor is game (-75 points)
  • Proposing or being proposed to (85 points)
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

WILDCARD POINTS

Each week, we’ll announce the upcoming wildcard category for the week on Twitter (so follow us to see what it is). It will change weekly and is only awarded to one lady per episode. For example, one wildcard category might be: the first woman to jump in the pool this week gets 20 points.

SCORING

We’ll score each episode for you and post each contestant’s scores every Tuesday morning. Be sure to check back every Tuesday to see how your teams are stacking up against one another. We’ll also be posting an episode recap for those of you just can’t get enough Bach.

Will you be joining us this season? Let us know your league or individual team name in the comments. We love your puns. 

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 12, Finale: Points

We made it through the wildernesssss. Somehow we made it throooooough. JoJo chose her man, and now they have a great portmanteau: JoJor. Hope JoJor makes it work and pop out a couple of babies with huge Jimmy Neutron-style coifs and pants so tight they cut off their circulation.

BEST UNDERRATED MOMENT during the finale? When they cut to the live studio audience after she lets Robby go, and everyone is sitting shell-shocked like they’d just received extremely personal, deeply troubling news. We’d kill to be in that audience; you know yo gals would give the producers some MONEY reaction shots.

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Thanks again for another great season! We won’t be scoring “Bachelor in Paradise” but we will be occasionally live-tweeting, so you can follow us there if you’re missing our snark. Rest up in the off-season — take that vacation, schedule that surgery you’ve been putting off. We’ll see you right back here for the next season of “The Bachelor” when you’re rested and ready.

  • Jordan: 335 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (hat; note) (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelorette (50 points)
    • Proposing or being proposed to (85 points)
    • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)
  • Robby: 110 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (flowers; photos; note) (5 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
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Season 12, Men Tell All: Points

JoJo’s gang descended upon Southern California for one last hurrah. Chad continued his scorched earth policy, using his air time to drag fellow contestants, JoJo, and several ex-girlfriends of the cast members. He’s like the Chief Troll. We heard way too much from Nick B. and Vinny, considering they were kicked off in like, week two. Vinny’s mom interrupted Chris Harrison from the audience to ask JoJo why she got rid of her son, making JoJo even gladder she let Vinny go so she wouldn’t have to deal with that as a monster-in-law on the regular. Luke and Chase battled all night to win America’s hearts and minds in their bid to be the next Bachelor. (Who do you think it will be?)

We were treated to a bunch of Bachelor in Paradise teasers and lots of your bois are headed that way. We won’t be scoring but we will be watching and potentially live-tweeting this summer, so follow us there.

Onto the points!

  • Alex: 30 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Apologizing to JoJo for his behavior on the show (10 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Ali: 0 points
  • Brandon: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Chad: 95 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Mentioning a new romantic interest in his life (10 points)
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
    • Speaking negatively about/toward JoJo (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Chase: 45 points 
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Asking JoJo why she got rid of him/what went wrong (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Christian: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Daniel: 30 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Derek: 20 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Evan: 45 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Grant: 25 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
  • James S.: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • James Taylor: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Jon: 5 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Jordan: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Luke: 75 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Asking JoJo why she got rid of him/what went wrong (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Admitting that feelings still remain for JoJo (20 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Nick B.: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Robby: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Vinny: 25 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
  • Wells: 30 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Will: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 12 Episode 9: Points

Well, the themes of this week were heartbreak and swamp ass. Why they insist on traveling to the center of Satan’s butt crack for these final episodes is beyond me. Then again, the very existence of this show relies almost exclusively on people having bad judgement, so maybe I’ll shut up.

So now to points…

  1. Chase came SO CLOSE to getting those beautiful 50 points for coming back to the show…only he explicitly stated that he was not coming back for another chance. We will consider adding a category for coming back to the show to save face and position yourself as a candidate for the next Bachelor.
  2. There is no more greatly contested category than the “I love you” category. We’ve held the line and insisted that the ONLY way to earn those points is to actually say those three words, in that order. The points below reflect that policy. That said…I’m not 100% sure on whether Robby ever said “I love you” this episode. He definitely said “I’ve fallen in love with you.” If you know he said “I love you,” let us know and we can revisit.

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  • Chase (165 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Interrupting a Rose Ceremony to ask to speak to the Bachelorette alone (20 points)
  • Jordan (195 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (3o points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Luke (20 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Robby (155 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette (10 points)
    • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
    • Saying “I’ve fallen in love with you” to the Bachelorette (2o points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Season 12: Men Tell All Points Categories

In keeping with the tradition of the past few seasons, we’re continuing to score the “Men Tell All” episode this year. Remember, these points will count in addition to all the regular categories during this episode. We’re hoping that this gives teams who aren’t doing as well a chance to catch up and make the finale even more exciting in your leagues.

Here are the bonus MTA points categories:

  • Entering a guess as to which man will get the final rose (5 points)
  • Apologizing to another contestant (5 points)
  • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points; available once per contestant)
  • Saying the word “bromance” (5 points)
  • Apologizing to JoJo for his behavior on the show (10 points)
  • Speaking negatively about/toward JoJo (10 points)
  • Mentioning a new romantic interest in his life (10 points)
  • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Asking JoJo why she got rid of him/what went wrong (15 points)
  • Admitting that feelings still remain for JoJo (20 points)
  • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
  • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Must be officially announced on the show 

Season 12, Episode 8: Points

Last night, we went on a whirlwind tour of JoJo’s suitors’ formative hometowns in Highlands Ranch, CO; Chico, CA; St. Augustine, FL; and Burnet, TX. The episode ended with the dreaded To Be Continued, chapping the nation’s collective ass. We’ll have to wait for the earth to rotate six more times before finding out who gets the invitations to the fantasy suite. SIGH.

Stay tuned for a post detailing Men Tell All points categories. We like to do something *~*speshul*~* for that ep.

Onto the puntos. Chase was the only one who collected the Wildcard Points, for having a family member cry on camera.

  • Chase: 135 points 
    • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Wildcard points: family member crying (20 points)
  • Jordan: 85 points 
    • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Luke: 105 points 
    • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Interrupting a rose ceremony to ask to speak with the Bachelorette alone (20 points)
  • Robby: 80 points 
    • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!