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Season 10, Finale: Points

Update: Due to a complete lack of brain cells from watching The Bachelorette every week for two months, we originally published a mashup of last week’s and this week’s points. This post has been updated. 

Well, that wraps another season of the only show on television that puts your heartbroken ex on a tiny loveseat next to you so he can discuss your former (and short lived) sex life in front of America. Talk about one last fling before the ring, amiright? That was excruciating. I tucked my head into my neck.

At season’s end, I think it’s safe to say Andi was a breath of Bachelorette fresh air after the Juan Pablo fiasco last season, but she lost a lot of street cred in my book for acting so syrupy with Josh on After the Final Rose. Unless the show was filmed in an open air yurt in Greenland, Josh has no excuse for petting her shoulders that hard and for so long. And him giving in to her duck face with kisses? We’re all barfing at home and Nick just shot himself backstage, you mushy goons.

I was just glad Josh didn’t make the analogy between the ring he gave Andi and the World Series ring he always thought he’d get. Let’s be thankful for that (and for remnant memories of Nick’s naked torso) while we take a gander at the points tally for season 19’s finale.

Josh: 165 points (It’s outta here!) 

  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Going on a one on one date (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Giving Andi a gift (letter) (5 points)
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

Nick: 125 points. (He’s outta here.)

  • Talking about an ex-fiance or ex-wife (10 points)
  • Giving Andi a gift (5 points)
  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Going on a one on one date (20 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Eight weeks, 1 million hours and all your brain cells later, it turns out, Andi’s frown just needed a licking from Josh to turn it upside down.

Until next season,

K, B & J

P.S. Thank you for playing along with us this season! How’d you fare in your league?

P.P.S. Suggestions for next season? Tweet @bachfantasy.

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Season 10, Episode 9: Points

Well, if anyone spots a plane dragging “Andi is a scum-sucking road whore who ruined my life” over Iowa, we know who’s behind it. Just kidding, that’s not how we talk on the farm. We said goodbye to Chris, but at least we get to look forward to Andi’s dad, Hy, interrogating Josh and Nick in two weeks.

Here’s where the guys stand moving into the finale:

Chris – 90 points (It’s going to be a lonely tractor ride home)

  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (2o points)
  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)

Josh – 160 points

  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (2o points)
  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Nick – 190 points

  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (2o points)
  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (1o points)
  • Talking about an ex-fiance (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Giving Andi a gift (5 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

P.S. If you think we made a mistake with any of the points, please let us know in the comments below. You may have caught something we didn’t.

You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address at the bottom of the page. Did you know we’re also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time.

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Season 10, Episode 3: Recap

ABC threw a lot of emotions at us this week. Let’s recap (the first part of) them.

We start this week’s two-episode lineup at the Bachelor Mansion, where the bachelors have unanimously (minus Josh, who’s still here) decided on collared short-sleeve shirts. Josh wears a bro tank because douchebag.

The one-on-one date card is for Nick, who looks great in his henley. Me likey. He heads up the coast to meet Andi in Santa Barbara, where they ride their bikes from the wharf along my old running path.

Their date for the day is a mix of beaching, hiking and biking. Zoom in on abs, zoom out on view. They have a fine a time, and Nick seems worth dating. It’s all so normal and nice that I start wondering what brotastic activities are going on back in LA.

Ask and you shall receive. Pan to Andrew and Marcus—two of the more intense lads in the house—who are straight chilling as bros do: shirtless, poolside, and weighing the odds of Nick coming back with a rose. Andrew uses math to figure out Nick has a 50-50 chance. Stick to social media management, Drew Baby.

Back in SB, Andi and Nick are hiking and drinking wine. Amen. Nick admits he’s crushing on Andi, but not in the gangster way, in the middle school way, which makes me feel like his fate is sealed in heartbreak and trust issues post-Bach.

crushing

Dinner time. If we learned anything from last season, it’s that courthouse dinners are the new dinner on a yacht, so Andi and Nick head to the Santa Barbara courthouse for yet another candlelit dinner where neither person ever takes a bite of food.  (How do they continue being so nice to each other without any fuel in them!?)

The highlight of the night is Andi’s chandelier earrings, but Nick also admits that he dated his first girlfriend since he was in the womb. Andi asks how Nick is single. Scarred from his past relationship, yadda yadda. Stick your tongue in her mouth already. He gets the rose and then he does. Huzzah!

The next day, the group date kicks off with a bang at the world’s most romantic date spot: Music Academy of the West. But give ‘em a break, guys. This is the show’s nineteenth season, and there are only so many places you can picnic.

Most of the group is still waking up and adequately unthrilled about showing up at classical music’s mecca. Minus one. Brett is jizzing his pants in excitement already.

Inside, Boyz II Men serenade the group to “I’ll Make Love to You,” and I’m pleased with the guys’ reactions: mostly telling tales of touching their first butt and falling in love with their 7th grade girlfriends to these R&B legends. Marquel gets a little too stoked, calling their balland “one of the most iconic songs in the history of music.” Less rhapsodizing, more cookies, Marquel.

The only way to put what happens next is this: The guys suck at singing. They are so bad. A lot of them know they are bad, but some of them don’t, which is entertaining. At a certain point Boyz II Men gives up on the singing lessons and starts in on swagger best practices.

And with that it’s showtime in front of basically all of Santa Barbara on a stage at the outdoor mall. There’s a lot of weird whisper singing and dance moves that are meant to be sexy. This performance is The Confidence Gap in Boyz II Men impersonation form. If it wasn’t so entertaining I’d wish it would end sooner. Finally it does.

Back at the hotel, each of the best new artists is aching for some time with The Bachelorette. Andi plays that classically hilarious joke on Cody where you tell him you think he has a girlfriend. Ha. Dying. As if someone not on a reality show would date Cody!

Before the group date is over, Marcus is in need of some tongue STAT, so he makes some moves on an outdoor couch. I hate when people announce imminent kisses, but Andi plays it off well and gives Marcus the kiss he probably used voodoo dolls to make happen. Anyone else getting an obsessive, Bukowski vibe from him? He’s like the rosy-cheeked boyfriend they introduce in the first 10 minutes of a “Law and Order” episode. You just know he’s the fucking murderer.

crazy-eyes

Next up is Josh and his baby scarf. He too gets a kiss, during which he moans and tells Andi he wants to kiss her everyday. Ick. But Andi is totally falling for his “game,” and for that I want to whack her upside the head. I can’t stand this brochacho. A few episodes ago, she said was done “going for” professional sports players, and here she is going for the professional sports player. It gets worse.

Andi, who looks a bit tipsy and walk-of-shame-y post makeout with Josh, gives the rose to him, and suddenly me and Marcus are on the same page: piii-iiissed. I’m lecturing my TV on the reasons not to date bros/former athletes/guys whose necks turn scarves into thick bowties, and Marcus assures America that what Josh and Andi have is nothing on what he has with her.

Sun down, sun up. It’s the final date of the week, and it goes to JJ, the—let’s call a spade a spade—tailor/sweatshop manager. It’s his first one-on-one date, and he wears the first date garment of champions: pants of one color with pockets of another. But not for long.

Further proof that The Bach is scraping the bottom of the barrel for date ideas, JJ and Andi transform into old people. For their date. At this rate next season’s best dates are going to be cleaning the Bachelorette Mansion pool and watching the producer’s kids.

Undeniable, however, is the talent that goes into turning them into an old couple. JJ’s newly created bald head is gag worthy. This date also marks the first time wrinkles have ever appeared on the Bachelorette.

In their geriatric garb, they hit the town via scooter. They make fools of themselves in the park, playing catch, giving/getting piggyback rides, and tour basically all of the benches in Santa Barbara County. It’s all very Johnny Knoxville.

Later they have dinner on a couch, which proves my relationship has still got it. JJ talks about his goofballness and how because of it he fears he’ll end up alone. I heart goofballs, so I ate this shit up. So did Andi. He gets the rose.

In real-life sad news, Ron excuses himself from the show after learning of a friend passing.

At the start of the cocktail party, Andi is sad for Ron and thanks the guys for taking time away from their outside lives to be there with her. They actually did that.

Cue musical couches. Aaaaand cue flower delivery from Nick, which arrive during Andi’s one-on-one time with Eric and begs the question why no one has ever done this before. Andi beams as SHE READS THE ENTIRE LETTER IN FRONT OF ERIC. Come on, girl! As soon as you know who it’s from, bookmark that shit for later.

A few more things happen before the rose ceremony.

JJ and Josh team up in the driveway to brew some drama. They decide to approach Andrew about a number he supposedly bragged about getting from a hostess. Realistically, it was the curbside delivery girl at a Chili’s. The most interesting thing about this to me is that the bachelors left the house at some point. I always wondered what they did.

Anyway, JJ and Josh approach Andrew to chat about whether he’s there for the right reasons. Andrews tactic is to deny, deny, deny, and then hide underneath the table. Just kidding. He runs to his room and slams the door.

run-away

Meantime, Marcus and Andi make out in a bush and he gives her a note. He even uses the L word, saying “he’s moving toward love,” which means he’s already in love with her and he knows he can’t say it yet. I’m so sure.

Finally it’s rose ceremony time. Patrick is sweating, probably thinking about life without Andrew since the phone number drama came out. Who will he talk F1 with? But his worries are unfounded.

Brett/Haircut and Bradley say their final goodbyes. Brett’s sad, but not as sad as Bradley who sheds some dinosaur tears over the realization that he “loves to love and loves to be loved.” Ay carumba.

Bach Fantasy out,
K, J & B

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P.P.S. Did you know we’re also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time.

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Season 10, Episode 2: Recap

I had no idea that this season would offer two love stories for the price of one—Andi and a dude still TBD, and Craig and Josh. Though Craig self-destructed before he could get his happily ever after with Josh, Andi is still hopeful that her husband is in the Bachelorette Mansion.

The first date card shows up at the mansion, and Eric is the lucky recipient of the season’s first one-on-one date. They drive a convertible to the beach, build sandcastles, do backflips, and then board a helicopter bound for the top of Bear Mountain. Isn’t this the Southern California motto: swim in the morning and ski in the afternoon?

They’re greeted by Olympic snowboarder Louie Vito, who could not be less enthused about being a part of this date. Except for when he got to couple skate with Andi. Hey Louie, leave some room for Jesus, buddy. Eric, however, is ready to step up and guide Andi down the mountain. Dude’s good at everything. They snowboard, sled, and sip hot chocolate, and it is adorable. Eric seems like a truly sweet, passionate, and genuinely great guy, and it’s really heartbreaking to watch their date knowing that he tragically passes away after filming the show.

Back at the Bro Headquarters, the group date card comes and warns the men they’re going to have to “bare their souls.” One man pipes up and asks how “bare” is spelled, and I am impressed that he knew there was more than one spelling.

The bros roll up to Hollywood Men, which prides itself on being the only “upscale, fully choreographed show for ladies in the Los Angeles area.” (Their website is now stored in my work computer’s browser history). In other words, “Magic Mike: The Bachelor Edition” is going down. The men are raising money for “Bachelor Gives Back” which then, according to Andi, gives the money to “charities.” I mean, if half-naked MackleRoid here was raising money for YOUR charity, you’d probably ask to be anonymous too.

Screen Shot 2014-05-28 at 9.23.44 PM

The men are divided into three groups: cowboys, soldiers, and firemen—except for Marcus and Nick S. who are singled out as stripping soloists. Nick S. drew the short straw and got stuck with the robot costume, while Marcus dressed (and then undressed) as a sailor. The men learn some “choreography,” oil up their abs, and Craig stuffs his briefs with a washcloth. All in a day’s work, folks.

To their credit, most of the guys handle the whole situation with a pretty good sense of humor. Craig, however, slowly but surely loses his shit. He begins to unravel after seeing Josh in his skivvies. At first it seems like he is intimated by Josh’s manhood, but it quickly becomes apparent that Craig is actually harboring some serious lust for Josh’s aforementioned manhood. He comments, through a crazed smile, that Josh is the “total package” and steals glances his way throughout the entire striptease. I mean, do you, Craig, but maybe The Bachelorette is not the show for you. More on Craig later…

Marcus loses a bit of his smarmy swag when forced onto the strip stage.He does his best to, ahem, rise to the occasion, and caps off his performance with a Michael Jackson inspired breakdance-esque move.

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Unfortunately, Marcus’ whole performance was half-hearted, like that time my homegirl Britney Spears staged her comeback two years too early at the VMAs. You’ll get ‘em next time, BS.

Gimme gimme more, gimme more...uppers. I'm so tired.

Gimme gimme more, gimme more…uppers. I’m so tired.

At the cocktail party later that night, the men seem relieved to be fully clothed and ready to unwind with a cocktail, or in Craig’s case, ten cocktails. Lowered inhibitions were the last thing Craig needed, and he spends the night slurring about Josh’s abs and swimming in his clothes. He’s every dude you went to college with, is he not? I half-expected him to start chanting “PIKE! PIKE! PIKE!” and challenge Andi to see who could shotgun a beer faster. He shoved one of the pledges in the kitchen and dude, he’s totally gonna get the house put on probation by the campus Greek council if he doesn’t cool it already.

Josh uses his one-on-one time with Andi to insist that he isn’t your typical former pro-athlete. At what point will Josh realize that it would be a lot easier to look past those stereotypes if he a) stops bringing it up and b) offers up what he is currently doing for a living? If he is looking for a new career, he could probably make it down in Disney World playing Gaston, signing autographs for little girls by day and creeping on Cinderella by night.

gaston and josh.jpg

Andi was not impressed with the bro times happening in the pool and the producers take Craig home to sleep it off. Wish we could’ve seen him in the van professing his love to the producers (“You’re like, the coolest, dude! The COOLEST! *Burp*) and binge-eating fistfuls of cool ranch Doritos in his room. Marcus seizes the opportunity to swoop in and charm Andi. She dug it and gave Marcus and his inner-thigh muscles the rose.

It’s Chris’s turn for a one-on-one date and he doesn’t stop sweating for the rest of the episode. He shows up to the racetrack in head to toe pastels and is greeted by Andi, who looks lovely and retro in a Derby-ready outfit. She leads Chris to a room with a clothes buffet so he can change out of his v-neck and flip flops.

After only a few minutes in the VIP suite at the racetrack, some actors playing “Elderly Couple in Love” question Andi and Chris about their “relationship” and share some nuggets of wisdom. This sets the stage for all the lovebirds to make some cliché analogies about love, such as likening choosing a spouse to “betting on the right horse.” I’m not much of a gambler, but I’d hope that one would might approach those two things differently.

The rest of the date checks off all the boxes—a chat about Feelings, a private concert by a no-name band, some making out, a rose, etc. It’s all fairly vanilla.

Back at the mansion it’s almost rose ceremony time, and the dudes are chomping at the bit for one last desperate chance to win Andi over. Craig shows up in a three piece suit with a guitar in tow, Haircut puts on a puppet show, Marquel swings and misses with a bold attempt at pattern mixing, and the opera singer…is still here? (Seriously, who else already forgot about him?)

In the end, there’s only room for sixteen brochachos. Craig gave it all he had, but the apology song he wrote wasn’t enough for Andi. It’s not clear whether it was the robot costume or his participation in Craig’s drunken shenanigans, but Nick S. is sent packing, too. Also, someone named Carl goes home? That’s the most hipster firefighter I’ve ever seen. He was putting out fires before you even knew what fires were.

Next week, we’re treated to two back-to-back episodes, because Chris Harrison hates you and wants you to lose your job and neglect your personal life.

We’d put a dollar in every single one of your G-strings,

B, K, and J

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address at the bottom of the page. Did you know we’re also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time.

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