Tag Archives: season 11

Season 11, Episode 6: Points

Oooh lordy lordy. We made our wildcard points category “doing it with the Bachelorette” based solely off of last week’s coming attractions (double entendre there, folks) and the show delivered. Think we might have to add doin’ it into next year’s regular roto of points categories.

Also, you guys aren’t going to believe this but tornadoes in the Chicagoland area interrupted the Bachelorette AGAIN, albeit briefly. I think for less than five minutes total, but I still might’ve missed something, so please let me know if you think I did.

  • Ben H.: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Ben Z.: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Chris: 45 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (a flower) (5 points)
  • Ian: 30 points
    • Leaving the show on his own accord (30 points)
  • Jared: 85 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • JJ: 25 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Joe: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Joshua: 25 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Justin: 0 points 
  • Nick V.: 110 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Wildcard points: doing it with the Bachelorette (50 points)
  • Shawn B.: 25 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Tanner: 40 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Season 11, Episode 5: Points

Last night was pretty eventful in Chicago. The Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup and I lost the battle over the remote to my fiance. Thus, I watched the Bach pretty late, and much to my dismay, some of the episode’s DVRed broadcast was interrupted (briefly) by news coverage of the tornadoes/heavy thunderstorms in the area. I very well might’ve missed a point category or two. Thanks in advance for your patience today! (Much tired. Very sleep. Cannot snark.)

No one received the wildcard points last night; they would’ve gone to the first person who said they needed one-on-one time before the rose ceremony, but there was only one strange, faux-ceremony on a baseball diamond last night so we were screwed. We’ll make next week’s points worth some weight to make up for it.

Onto the points!

  • Ben H.: 85 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ben Z.: 40 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Chris: 25 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
      • Editor’s note: This was tricky but there was one shot of her kissing a man in a maroon jacket that matched what Chris was wearing last night.
  • Corey: 0 points 
  • Ian: 50 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Jared: 55 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
  • JJ: 45 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Joe: 55 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jonathan: 5 points (stat correction)
    • Mentioning his son (5 points)
  • Joshua: 70 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Justin: 25 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Nick V.: 115 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
  • Ryan B.: 0 points
  • Shawn B.: 115 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Tanner: 40 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Season 11, Episode 4: Points

One villain exits stage left, another enters stage right. We bid adieu to Clint but Nick Viall (of Andi Dorfman’s season) weaseled his way onto yet another season of “The Bachelorette.” I personally get strange vibes from him and I did not care one iota for his airing of, ahem, private matters on the “Women Tell All” two seasons ago.

A lot of you inquired about drafting Nick V. We will score him for those leagues who did indeed draft him early in the season. If your league didn’t draft him (and you’re wishing you did), we decided this was a fair rule: you can draft Nick onto your individual team, but only if you drop two of your players that are still on the show. (Obviously, talk to your league commissioner and decide as a league how you want to proceed.)

Personally, in our league, we’re happy to watch the Nick V. circus without participating, so don’t feel like someone in your league has to draft him.

This week saw the first usage of another new points category this year: riding on a boat (10 points).

Wildcard points went to Tanner, who was overtly negative about his feelings toward Nick V. Jonathan mentioned something about Nick V. being a “dark cloud” but immediately after that, Tanner took the shit-talk to the next level, and that’s the kind of commitment we were looking for.

Onto the points!

  • Ben H.: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Ben Z.: 25 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Chris: 65 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Clint: 0 points
  • Corey: 30 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Ian: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Jared: 85 points
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • JJ: 50 points 
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Joe: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Jonathan: 25 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Joshua: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Justin: 55 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Nick V.: 10 points (stat correction)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Ryan B.: 25 points
    • Being selected go to on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Shawn B.: 25 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Tanner: 45 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Wildcard points: first to say something overtly negative about JJ (20 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Season 11, Episode 2: Points

Cliffhangers are a dang thorn in our behinds. We prefer to tie up each episode neatly with a rose ceremony. ABC has other plans. Next week’s episode will likely have two rose ceremonies.

Some important housekeeping, before we get to points:

  • In Episode 1, I mistakenly awarded 5 points for “mentioning his kid” to Ryan B., who has yet to father any offspring (to the best of our/his knowledge). Those 5 points should’ve gone to Justin. Please update in your spreadsheet accordingly. Mea culpa.

The wildcard points for last night’s episode went to JJ, who Amy Schumer delightfully raked over the coals. (P.S. we announce the upcoming wildcard points category every Sunday/Monday on Twitter.)

  • Ben H.: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Ben Z.: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Chris: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Clint: 55 points (stat correction) 
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Corey: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Cory: 0 points
  • Daniel: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Ian: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jared: 55 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Needing medical attention (20 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette gift: a note (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • JJ: 110 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Mentioning a previous wife (10 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Wildcard points: first person to get made fun of by Amy Schumer (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
    • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
  • Joe: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jonathan: 10 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Joshua: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Justin: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Kupah: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Ryan B.: 0 points
  • Shawn B.: 0 points
  • Tanner: 15 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Tony: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)

Question of the week: What in tarnation is going on with Britt and Brady? Is it a calculated move to prolong her time in the spotlight? Would she have “gone steady” with WHOEVER knocked on her hotel room door? Give us your take in the comments.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Season 11, Episode 1: Points

Well, well, well. It’s gonna be #TeamKaitlyn for season 11 of “The Bachelorette.” If you selected Kaitlyn to be the next Bachelorette, good eye. Please award yourself an additional 50 points.

From the looks of the season preview, I stand by what we wrote on Twitter last night:

Screen Shot 2015-05-19 at 9.15.06 PM

Wildcard points were awarded to Tony and Brady, respectively. You’ll see them below, incorporated within the rest of the points. How are your teams doing so far?

  • Ben H.: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ben Z.: 35 points
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Bradley: 0 points
  • Brady: 50 points
    • Wildcard points: first one to express a preference for one of the Bachelorettes (20 points)
    • Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
  • Chris: 35 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Clint: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: drawing of Chris Harrison (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Corey: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Cory: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Daniel: 30 points
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • David: 5 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Ian: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jared: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • JJ: 40 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: a hockey puck (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Joe: 30 points (stat correction)
    • Gives the Bachelorette a gift: moonshine (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jonathan: 35 points 
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Josh: 35 points
    • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Joshua: 35 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: steel rose (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Justin: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: balloons (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Kupah: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ryan B.: 25 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ryan M.: 20 points
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Shawn B.: 50 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: note from nephew (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points)
  • Shawn E.: 5 points
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Tanner: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Gives the Bachelorette a gift: tissues (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Tony: 50 points
    • Wildcard points: first one to express discontent that his Bachelorette was not chosen (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Researching Your Picks: A Guide to Drafting Your “Bachelorette” Season 11 Fantasy Team

ABC waited until the 11th hour to post these cast bios. You know there’s one lone summer intern running around and pressing buttons in the control room.

unnamed

Here’s our insider guide to who we think you should draft for your Bachelorette fantasy league teams, based strictly on their online bios. Bear with us. This year’s crop of contestants is like a kindergarten classroom where everyone shares three names, so the entire roster is First Name Last Initial.

Ben H. | age: 26 |software salesman | Denver, CO

Choice line from his bio: On marriage: “It is a total sacrifice.” He sounds ready for this.

We need to hear more about: What he’s got planned for that “quiet place in the woods,” because it sounds like the ideal location for a murder. If a Bachelorette gets murdered in the woods, and Chris Harrison isn’t there to remind them to say their goodbyes, did it even happen?

Draftability: 8/10

Ben Z. | age:26 | Fitness Coach | San Jose, CA

Choice line from his bio: He’d have lunch with his mom because he’d “take any extra second he can get with her.” It sounds like there is a sad story behind that answer. I’m sure he won’t choose to tell it at an opportune moment for maximum Emotional Connection to Bae.

We need to hear more about: why he openly refers to himself as “calculated.” That’s not a good thing, brah.

Draftability: 7/10

Bradley | age: 25 | International Auto Shipper | Atlanta, GA

Choice line from his bio: Bradley wants to be Tom Brady so he can play in an NFL game and “then go home to Gisele.” Like, fine, samesies, but maybe don’t tell that to your potential future girlfriend. Suspended 4 dates for putting his foot in his mouth.

We need to hear more about: Just how serious his sarcasm skillz are. He’s talking big game, but we’ll be the judges here.

Draftability: 8/10

Brady | age: 33 | Singer-Songwriter | Nashville, TN

Choice line from his bio: He’s jealous AF of pre-divorce Gwyneth Paltrow. Listen to the dude wax poetic about Chris Martin, the person he admires most in the world for his “creativity, humility, charisma, and wit.”

We need to hear more about: why he looks like Jimmy Fallon’s Nickelback-loving little brother.

Draftability: 2/10

Chris | age: 28 | Dentist | Nashville, TN

Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear is that the girl “tries to eat his food.” Brady and I share this fear. I get it, man. L’eggo my E’ggo.

We need to hear more about: Obviously how he ended up on national TV in his underwear. Was it accidental? Did he lose a bet? Was he participating in some sort of televised amateur stripping competition? I really hope it’s that last one.

Draftability: 4/10. Idk, he seems kind of vanilla.

Clint | age: 27 | Architectural Engineer | Chicago, IL

Choice line from his bio: For a day, he’d want to be “Chuck Norris, for obvious reasons.” Um, 2007 called. It wants its meme back. (Also, while you have 2007 on the phone, please tell it to prevent Britney from staging her comeback at the VMAs.)

We need to hear more about: his word vomit. He’s afraid of saying too much on a date. Once you pop, the fun don’t stop.

Draftability: 3/10

Corey | age: 30 | Investment Banker | New York City, NY

Choice line from his bio: The investment banker admires “everyone who truly does what they love everyday.” Dang, that’s a thinly veiled cry for help. Corey, you didn’t have to go on the Bachelorette just to get out of investment banking.

We need to hear more about: his superpower. Again, it’s revealing. Corey wants “the ability to do everything I wanted without needing sleep or losing my health and fitness.” Corey. Babe. You don’t have to work 110 hours a week anymore. You made it to the Bachelorette ranch. Go have a margarita with Chris Harrison.

Draftability: 4/10

Cory | age: 35 | Residential Developer | Pearland, TX

Choice line from his bio: Cory’s afraid of finding out his date “is really a dude.” Really? that’s the WORST thing that could happen to you?

We need to hear more about: Why he would waste the opportunity to be anyone else in the world, on being someone he already was. Cory would choose to be “his younger self” for a day. Cool.

Draftability: 5/10

Daniel | age: 28 | Fashion Designer | Nashville, TN

Choice line from his bio: The best present he’s ever received is “support and love.” That’s nice. And definitely a lie.

We need to hear more aboutThis off-brand Shia LaBeouf’s career as a fashion designer. Does he get inspo from his doppleganger? TBD.

Shia-Labeouf-Dancing-Russian-Style-on-The-Set-Of-a-Movie-Wearing-Purple-Pants

Draftability: 4/10

David | age: 26 | Real Estate Agent | Orlando, FL

Choice line from his bio: Eh. Slim pickins. He may be that rarest of Bachelor contestants—a normal civilian. Which means he’ll be packing his bag in about two weeks.

We need to hear more about: his crazy exes. I hope his “biggest fear: bumping into an ex who makes a scene” is juicy foreshadowing.

Draftability: 5/10

Ian | age: 28 | Executive Recruiter | Los Angeles, CA

Choice line from his bio: Ian’s biggest date fear is a girl who “can’t hold a conversation.” Luckily, ABC gives everyone on this show a script that just repeats the words “journey, incredible, scared, and rest of my life” in varying combinations. It’s like a maddening verbal factorial.

We need to hear more about: the “romantic” clock he made. I’m no diva, but I don’t know how I feel about getting a clock, handmade or not, for Valentine’s Day. Actually, I do know. I don’t want it. Chocolates, por favor.

Draftability: 7/10

Jared | age: 26 | Restaurant Manager | Warwick, RI

Choice line from his bio: He “doesn’t really have any” date fears. I respect that.

We need to hear more about: Whether he is going to turn into a werewolf at the next full moon. Idk, he just has that face.

Draftability: As a human: 6/10, as a werewolf: 6/10

JJ | age: 32 | Former Investment Banker | Denver, CO

Choice line from his bio: See how much happier he is now that he’s a former investment banker? JJ is future-Corey. Chilling out in Denver, toking every day, prank calling his former coworkers on Wall Street.

We need to hear more about: His apparent gambling addiction?

Draftability: 8/10

Joe | age: 28 | Insurance Agent | Columbia, KY

Choice line from his bio: He’d have lunch with his “grandmother who just passed away this last December. Just because I miss her.” That’s some sweet shit right there. I just got a cavity.

We need to hear more about: his five-year plan. “I’m a man that takes life one day at a time” is the statement of someone who has no idea what he’s doing at 6 p.m., let alone next week or next year.

Draftability: 7/10.

Jonathan | age: 33 | Automotive Spokesman | Detroit, Michigan

Choice line from his bio: None. I’m bored.

We need to hear more about: his actual job. Being an “automotive spokesman” in Detroit is like saying you’re on the board of tourism for Pyongyang, North Korea. Pics or it didn’t happen.

Draftability: 5/10

Josh | age: 27 | Law Student/Exotic Dancer | Chicago, Illinois

Choice line from his bio: If he could have lunch with anyone in the entire world, he picks HIMSELF twenty years from now. Good lawd. There’s enjoying your own company and then there’s Josh, self-appointed Most Interesting Man in the Room.

We need to hear more about: Sorry for burying the lede. EXOTIC. DANCER. Hell fucking yeah, ABC, now we’re cooking with gas.

uyW5583

Draftability: 3/10

Joshua | age: 31 | Industrial Welder | Kuna, ID

Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear? “My mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow.” That’s either a) something that happened to him once in junior high or b) an actual fear because he lives with his mom.

We need to hear more about: his job. It sounds lumbersexual as hell. (Pssst, hey boi, I’ve got something for you to weld…)

Draftability: 9/10

Justin | age: 28 | Fitness Trainer | Naperville, IL

Choice line from his bio:If our boy Justin here could be someone else for a day (reminder: the parameters are ANYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE PHYSICAL UNIVERSE), he chooses: “Someone from a less privileged area or country. It would be an eye-opening/humbling experience.” To Justin, anyone outside the bubble of Naperville, Illinois is less privileged. Also, you can have that experience literally any day of any week. It’s called volunteering.

We need to hear more about: His business. He wants to own a training company that uses trainers to train other…trainers? I don’t know.

say crack again

Draftability: 5/10

Kupah | age: 32 | Entrepreneur | Boston, MA

Choice line from his bio: When asked what marriage means to him, Kupah rattled off a string of incoherent words he’s read on Dove chocolate wrappers over the years. “FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER. Team, companion, friend. Mates, support, trust, balanced.” I think this answer was translated from English to Japanese, then back to English again.

We need to hear more about: the origin of that name. I hope his friends and family call him Supah Dupah Wicked Pissah Kupah in a raging Boston accent.

Draftability: 3/10

Ryan B. | age: 32 | Realtor| Wellington, FL

Choice line from his bio: He “meant to send a pic to [his] girlfriend and accidentally tweeted it.” DICK PIC FTW.

We need to hear more about: Definitely NOT the time he rode his bike from Florida to California to rescue a dog. That’s just poor logistical planning, and you know even the rescue dog was like, “Ugh, really? Florida?”

Draftability: 6/10

Ryan M. | age: 28 | Junkyard Specialist | Kansas City, MO

Choice line from his bio: He says being married is about “bringing new life into this world.” Okay, Jim Bob Duggar, let’s pump the brakes.

We need to hear more about: his occupation as a junkyard specialist. I feel like that’s a euphemism for a sex addict. Besides, America already has a favorite junkyard dog.

The Sandlot

Draftability: 3/10

Shawn B. | age: 28 | Personal Trainer | Windsor Locks, CT

Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear is “not being interested and not being able to get out of the date.” Twenty bucks this dude leaves on his own accord.

We need to hear more about: the fact that there are two men named Shawn on this show.

Draftability: 9/10

Shawn E. | age: 31 | Amateur. Sex. Coach. | Ontario, Canada

Choice line from his bio: His “ultimate date” sounds absolutely exhausting. Skydiving, followed by swimming in the ocean, followed by a hot tub, followed by doing it ‘til dawn.

We need to hear more about: his tenure as an amateur sex coach. Because of course the guy with the choker necklace is an amateur sex coach.

Draftability: 1/10 (but he could be the token weirdo that the Bachelorette is contractually obligated to keep way belong his expiration date)

Tanner | age: 28 | Auto Finance Manager | Kansas City, MO

Choice line from his bio: His biggest fear is his “date not liking [him] as much as [he] likes her” which is sweet, vulnerable, and just a pinch of Stage 5 Clinger.

We need to hear more about: his boozehound date. There’s a story there, and I’m all ears.

giphy

Draftability: 8/10

Tony | age: 35 | Healer | St. Louis, MO

Choice line from his bio: He’s so coy about his job as a professional healer. You know, just slavin’ away at that 9 to 5, healing necks and cashing checks.

We need to hear more about: his delightful zig-zag part.

Draftability: 2/10

Chris Harrison | age: exact birth date unknown | TV therapist | in a rose garden, California

We need to hear more about: Chris Harrison has written a romance novel and it is being published on May 19. He is a Renaissance man. He is a rose among thorns.

Draftability: 10/10

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome to “The Bachelorette” Fantasy League, Season 11

It feels like just yesterday that we were romping in the hay, joking about plowing fields and inseminating hogs. And yet here we are, another season upon us. Now, Kaitlyn and Britt get the privilege of competing with each other first, before one of them decides to let a tanktop-wearing meathead put a ring on it after six weeks. Hey now. Hey now. This is what dreams are made of.

If you’re a returning BachFantasy-er, welcome back. If you are new, where the hell have you been? We’ve been waiting for like, 3 years, and you never even texted that you were running late. God.

Keep reading for an overview of how to start your very own Bachelorette Fantasy league.

How Our Bachelorette Fantasy League Works

1) Gather your “Bachelorette”-loving friends and choose a League Commissioner. The Commissioner is responsible for tallying league members’ points each week and sharing the standings with the league.

2) Choose how your league is going to run your draft (read more on that below) and submit your contestant picks to your league commissioner.

3) Watch “The Bachelorette” every Monday night, beginning May 18th on ABC.

4) Visit this blog every Tuesday morning to see how each of your contestants scored. The league commissioner should add up the point totals for each team in order to figure out the weekly rankings. You can use our scoring template to keep track of your league members’ scores.

Click here to download our new scoring template: BachFantasy – Season 12 – Britt and Kaitlyn.

A Special Note About “The Bachelorette” Season 12

Every once in a while, ABC goes out for margaritas, tosses a few too many back, stumbles home drunk, eats his roommate’s banana bread, and pisses all over the finely calibrated perpetual motion machine that is The Bachelor franchise. That’s the only explanation for what’s happening.

We have two Bachelorettes this season: Britt and Kaitlyn. We’re assuming that the male contestants will choose which Bachelorette they want to rappel down cliffs with, and the loser will be sent packing on night one.

But there’s no way to be sure, is there?

So here’s the deal: when you draft your five contestants, select a Bachelorette too. If you pick the right gal, you’ll earn an extra 50 points in episode two. If the men don’t select a Bachelorette in the first episode, then we’ll wait ’em out, and award points when the Bachelorette is chosen .

Until a Bachelorette is chosen, the men will then receive points for interactions with either lady.

The Draft

You have a few options when it comes to drafting your Bachelorette fantasy league team team of five contestants. Click here to read more about how to draft your team.

Also: we’re axing the mid-season draft this year. We tried it for the first time for Chris Soules’ season and the enthusiasm was tepid, like this cup of tea I’ve been nursing for 45 minutes. So we’re 86ing it. Peeved? Sound off in the comments.

Points Categories

When picking contestants, choose your own adventure. Do you want a team of escapees from the funny farm? Do you want to stack your team with the stage 5 clingers? Variety is the spice of life. Do you. 

Points are divided into Phrases, Actions, and Roses. We’ve added a few new points categories this year. We will continue with a new wildcard point category each week to keep things fresh throughout the season!

Phrases

  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiancee or wife (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Telling the Bachelorette that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (30 points)

Actions

  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Bonus: using the phrase “steal [the Bachelorette] away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Singing/playing an instrument for the Bachelorette (5 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Must be sitting on the ground
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Must actually see moisture fall
  • Having a secret girlfriend at home (25 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
    • Only for nudity; having your mouth blurred for profanity doesn’t count
  • Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
  • Drafting the next Bachelor on your team (40 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Roses

  • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points, only available first night)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Refusing the Fantasy Suite (-75 points)
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

Wildcard Points

Each week, we’ll announce the upcoming wildcard category for the week. It will change weekly and is only awarded to one guy per episode. For example, one wildcard category might be: the first guy to be shown on camera shirtless this week gets 40 points.

Scoring

We’ll score each episode for you and post each contestant’s scores every Tuesday morning. Be sure to check back every Tuesday to see how your teams are stacking up against one another! We’ll also be posting an episode recap for those of you can’t get enough Bach.

Will you be joining us this season? Let us know your league or individual team name in the comments! (We like puns.)

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Men Tell All: Points

While there were no points scored two nights ago on the Men Tell All special, the event wasn’t without flourish. We had our first live Bachelor ultrasound, Chris Bukowski was halted mid stage dive, and they brought the lie detector results back. Of. Course. They. Did. Who wants to put money on Andi opening the results backstage? Her internal battle was apparent and said it all: she will read those results eventually, at night and in a closet of her now shared home.

Next season we’ll think about adding specific points categories for the Men Tell All episode. Here are our ideas for that so far:

Drafting a contestant who…

  • Gets a phone number or asked on a date during the episode
  • Admits to still being in love or not over the Bachelor/ette
  • Is featured in the bloopers reel

What other points category ideas do you have? Also, over under on Andi’s ring size. Go.

K, J, and B

P.S. Follow us on Twitter.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Season 10, Episode 2: Recap

I had no idea that this season would offer two love stories for the price of one—Andi and a dude still TBD, and Craig and Josh. Though Craig self-destructed before he could get his happily ever after with Josh, Andi is still hopeful that her husband is in the Bachelorette Mansion.

The first date card shows up at the mansion, and Eric is the lucky recipient of the season’s first one-on-one date. They drive a convertible to the beach, build sandcastles, do backflips, and then board a helicopter bound for the top of Bear Mountain. Isn’t this the Southern California motto: swim in the morning and ski in the afternoon?

They’re greeted by Olympic snowboarder Louie Vito, who could not be less enthused about being a part of this date. Except for when he got to couple skate with Andi. Hey Louie, leave some room for Jesus, buddy. Eric, however, is ready to step up and guide Andi down the mountain. Dude’s good at everything. They snowboard, sled, and sip hot chocolate, and it is adorable. Eric seems like a truly sweet, passionate, and genuinely great guy, and it’s really heartbreaking to watch their date knowing that he tragically passes away after filming the show.

Back at the Bro Headquarters, the group date card comes and warns the men they’re going to have to “bare their souls.” One man pipes up and asks how “bare” is spelled, and I am impressed that he knew there was more than one spelling.

The bros roll up to Hollywood Men, which prides itself on being the only “upscale, fully choreographed show for ladies in the Los Angeles area.” (Their website is now stored in my work computer’s browser history). In other words, “Magic Mike: The Bachelor Edition” is going down. The men are raising money for “Bachelor Gives Back” which then, according to Andi, gives the money to “charities.” I mean, if half-naked MackleRoid here was raising money for YOUR charity, you’d probably ask to be anonymous too.

Screen Shot 2014-05-28 at 9.23.44 PM

The men are divided into three groups: cowboys, soldiers, and firemen—except for Marcus and Nick S. who are singled out as stripping soloists. Nick S. drew the short straw and got stuck with the robot costume, while Marcus dressed (and then undressed) as a sailor. The men learn some “choreography,” oil up their abs, and Craig stuffs his briefs with a washcloth. All in a day’s work, folks.

To their credit, most of the guys handle the whole situation with a pretty good sense of humor. Craig, however, slowly but surely loses his shit. He begins to unravel after seeing Josh in his skivvies. At first it seems like he is intimated by Josh’s manhood, but it quickly becomes apparent that Craig is actually harboring some serious lust for Josh’s aforementioned manhood. He comments, through a crazed smile, that Josh is the “total package” and steals glances his way throughout the entire striptease. I mean, do you, Craig, but maybe The Bachelorette is not the show for you. More on Craig later…

Marcus loses a bit of his smarmy swag when forced onto the strip stage.He does his best to, ahem, rise to the occasion, and caps off his performance with a Michael Jackson inspired breakdance-esque move.

png;base646e7a15271269889

Unfortunately, Marcus’ whole performance was half-hearted, like that time my homegirl Britney Spears staged her comeback two years too early at the VMAs. You’ll get ‘em next time, BS.

Gimme gimme more, gimme more...uppers. I'm so tired.

Gimme gimme more, gimme more…uppers. I’m so tired.

At the cocktail party later that night, the men seem relieved to be fully clothed and ready to unwind with a cocktail, or in Craig’s case, ten cocktails. Lowered inhibitions were the last thing Craig needed, and he spends the night slurring about Josh’s abs and swimming in his clothes. He’s every dude you went to college with, is he not? I half-expected him to start chanting “PIKE! PIKE! PIKE!” and challenge Andi to see who could shotgun a beer faster. He shoved one of the pledges in the kitchen and dude, he’s totally gonna get the house put on probation by the campus Greek council if he doesn’t cool it already.

Josh uses his one-on-one time with Andi to insist that he isn’t your typical former pro-athlete. At what point will Josh realize that it would be a lot easier to look past those stereotypes if he a) stops bringing it up and b) offers up what he is currently doing for a living? If he is looking for a new career, he could probably make it down in Disney World playing Gaston, signing autographs for little girls by day and creeping on Cinderella by night.

gaston and josh.jpg

Andi was not impressed with the bro times happening in the pool and the producers take Craig home to sleep it off. Wish we could’ve seen him in the van professing his love to the producers (“You’re like, the coolest, dude! The COOLEST! *Burp*) and binge-eating fistfuls of cool ranch Doritos in his room. Marcus seizes the opportunity to swoop in and charm Andi. She dug it and gave Marcus and his inner-thigh muscles the rose.

It’s Chris’s turn for a one-on-one date and he doesn’t stop sweating for the rest of the episode. He shows up to the racetrack in head to toe pastels and is greeted by Andi, who looks lovely and retro in a Derby-ready outfit. She leads Chris to a room with a clothes buffet so he can change out of his v-neck and flip flops.

After only a few minutes in the VIP suite at the racetrack, some actors playing “Elderly Couple in Love” question Andi and Chris about their “relationship” and share some nuggets of wisdom. This sets the stage for all the lovebirds to make some cliché analogies about love, such as likening choosing a spouse to “betting on the right horse.” I’m not much of a gambler, but I’d hope that one would might approach those two things differently.

The rest of the date checks off all the boxes—a chat about Feelings, a private concert by a no-name band, some making out, a rose, etc. It’s all fairly vanilla.

Back at the mansion it’s almost rose ceremony time, and the dudes are chomping at the bit for one last desperate chance to win Andi over. Craig shows up in a three piece suit with a guitar in tow, Haircut puts on a puppet show, Marquel swings and misses with a bold attempt at pattern mixing, and the opera singer…is still here? (Seriously, who else already forgot about him?)

In the end, there’s only room for sixteen brochachos. Craig gave it all he had, but the apology song he wrote wasn’t enough for Andi. It’s not clear whether it was the robot costume or his participation in Craig’s drunken shenanigans, but Nick S. is sent packing, too. Also, someone named Carl goes home? That’s the most hipster firefighter I’ve ever seen. He was putting out fires before you even knew what fires were.

Next week, we’re treated to two back-to-back episodes, because Chris Harrison hates you and wants you to lose your job and neglect your personal life.

We’d put a dollar in every single one of your G-strings,

B, K, and J

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address at the bottom of the page. Did you know we’re also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Season 11, Episode 1: Recap

Houston, this is Bach Fantasy. We have bros.

Season 19 starts like all other seasons: montage after montage of the bachelorette doing the look-away. Looking away at work, looking away at home. Hey, there she is looking away at a store! It’s no secret that ABC has this Bach thing down to a formula.

We’re first treated to a “Law and Order” montage of Andi in her billowing DA-windbreaker, peeking in people’s backyards and IDing graffiti as gang activity. She poses and preens in front of a stack of books.

I think the producers are very keen to show that this Bachelorette is “one of us” as opposed to the psychopath they let take a dump on America’s heart last season. Cut to another montage of Andi and her sister giggling and trying on dresses to get ready for this season. Andi: “I could be engaged by summer! Craaaaazy.” Yes, that sounds like someone who is emotionally ready to make a lifelong commitment.

Finally, it’s time for limo introductions. Most of the men seemed like caricatures of real people. Also, it would really help me for scoring purposes if they introduced the men in alphabetical order. Every single dude this season looks like he could be named Chris.

Andi seems to have a thing for tall, dark, and handsome men, including Marcus and Josh M. She repeatedly mentions how cute they are. The Bach Fantasy at-home player should heed these asides.

Cody the Brody “pushes” the limo up the driveway. He’s the Atlas of bro-dom. Cannot believe he got a rose.

Atlas

Photo Credit: Singing With Light via Compfight cc

I fell in love with Marquel. And then he showered her with milk and cookies later. In his bio, his perfect date is “making cookies and watching Netflix.” Dang, Marquel, the only two times America has seen you, you’ve mentioned cookies. How are you still single?

Rudie tries to win her over by playing his attorney card, but Andi deemed his evidence inadmissable.

Emil tells Andi that his name is basically “anal” with an M, which I bet is a defensive little tactic he’s been using since grade school. When you have a name that sounds like a poop chute, you gotta get ahead of the joke. Lets the bullies know you’re in on it.

Brett the hair stylist/Hamburglar is not straight. Just saying. They give him the creepy Bachelor music when he exits the limo, which means he’ll expire in one of the next two episodes but he’ll at least be entertaining in the meantime.

Craig decides to relive his glory days in Zeta Beta Tau and pops his finest bottle of Andre to supersoak the driveway and the rear windshield of the limo. You know that limo driver was like, “Fuck, come onnnn, dude.”

Nick S., the professional golfer, made sure Andi knew he was a professional golfer by arriving in a Professional Golf Cart. We get it. You’re rich. He wasn’t even paying attention to Andi until she mentioned, “I’ve got a little swing.” Dude went six to midnight.

There was also a brigade of long-haired dudes, including Dr. Jason. We found a childhood photo of him.

Kirsten

And Mike the bartender, who gave a wooden and forgettable performance as Man Who Pretended to Meet Andi in a Bar.

Watching the scenes with Eric is heart-breaking. He’s so sweet and seems like a genuinely good person.

Suddenly, Chris Bukowski from Emily’s season, who has made his career out of debasing himself on ABC’s various reality TV shows, is lurking in the driveway, hoping for a chance to meet Andi. Chris Harrison springs into turbo cock-blocking mode, clearly relishing in this drama. This is why Harrison gets out of bed in the morning.

Andi’s face is priceless when Chris tells her who’s in the driveway and she accidentally reveals that she never watched the show before applying to be on it.. She has no fucking clue who this dude is.

Bukowski admits that he didn’t know when they were filming so he’s been lurking around the Bachelor mansion for SEVEN DAYS. I mean. Alarm bells.

Also, what on earth was he doing for seven days? Hanging in the bushes? Roaming the block? Did he pack snacks? Was he wearing his suit the whole time? And finally, what idiot thinks that a woman he has never met in person is going to be charmed by him trespassing and hunching in the bushes, waiting for a camera crew to roll up?

Back at the cocktail party, Andi plays musical suit jackets while each guy makes his case to earn a rose. She eats some cookies, the bros bro out, and, disappointingly, no one gets too drunk and embarrasses himself.

Andi swoops in to pick up the first impression rose, and every dude salivates with his eyes trained on the rose, waiting to see where she is going with it. Nick V. is the lucky recipient, and he seems sincerely and adorably surprised.

Then it’s rose ceremony time. I always get a little nervous at the first ceremony, imagining how it’s possible to even remember the names of the guys I liked, let alone the entire pack. How these bachelors and bachelorettes don’t just point and wink at the good ones and moo at the bad ones, I’ll never know.

Bros stay and bros leave, and with that we’re under way. Our bachelorette is one step closer to marrying a dude with whom she’ll have spent 24 combined hours.

Hand over the rose cookies and no one gets hurt.
J, B & K

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
Advertisements