Tag Archives: Bachelor Fantasy

Welcome to “The Bachelor” Fantasy League, Season 21

‘ello ello! Welcome to what is sure to be another thrilling go-round of the original Bachelor Fantasy League. If this is your first time playing, read on for all the gory details below. If you could play BachFantasy in your sleep at this point, welcome back, my beautiful butterflies. We’ve missed you.

HOW OUR BACHELOR FANTASY LEAGUE WORKS

1) Gather your “Bachelor”-loving friends and coworkers, and choose a League Commissioner. The Commissioner is responsible for tallying league members’ points each week and sharing the standings with the league.

2) Choose how your league is going to run your draft (read more on that below) and submit your contestant picks to your league commissioner.

3) Watch “The Bachelor” every Monday night, beginning January 2 on ABC.

4) Visit this blog every Tuesday morning to see how each of your contestants scored. The league commissioner should add up the point totals for each team in order to figure out the weekly rankings. You can use our BachFantasy Scoring Template to keep track of your league members’ scores.

THE DRAFT

You have a few options when it comes to drafting your Bachelor fantasy league team of five contestants. Click here to read more about how to draft your team.

POINTS CATEGORIES

When picking contestants, you’re the team owner. So, go with your gut. The Crazies earn a lot of points (and they’re the very lifeblood of the show’s existence), but you’ll be most rewarded for picking contestants who go the distance.

Points are divided into Phrases, Actions, and Roses. We post a wildcard points category on Twitter every Monday before the episode airs, so be sure to follow us there for the latest info.

There will also be a mid-season draft after Episode 5 in which you’ll be able to add one player to your team if it’s no longer intact. Don’t worry about that for now; there will be more deets later. Onto the points!

Phrases

  • Talking about her parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Mentioning her kid (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiance or husband (10 points)
  • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
  • Discussing her virginity (15 points)
  • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelor or “I’m falling for/in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelor (30 points)
  • Telling the Bachelor that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (30 points)
  • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelor (50 points)

Actions

  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Bonus: using the phrase “steal [the Bachelor] away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Singing or playing an instrument (5 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelor a gift (5 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Must be sitting on the ground
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelor on a group date (15 points)
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelor’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Interrupting a rose ceremony to ask to speak with the Bachelor alone (20 points)
  • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Must actually see moisture fall. We’re sticklers on this. 
  • Having a secret boyfriend at home (25 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
    • Only for nudity; having your mouth blurred for profanity doesn’t count
  • Leaving the show early on her own accord (30 points)
  • Drafting the next Bachelorette on your team (40 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Roses

  • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points, only available first night)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
  • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Refusing the Fantasy Suite when the Bachelor is game (-75 points)
  • Proposing or being proposed to (85 points)
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

WILDCARD POINTS

Each week, we’ll announce the upcoming wildcard category for the week on Twitter (so follow us to see what it is). It will change weekly and is only awarded to one lady per episode. For example, one wildcard category might be: the first woman to jump in the pool this week gets 20 points.

SCORING

We’ll score each episode for you and post each contestant’s scores every Tuesday morning. Be sure to check back every Tuesday to see how your teams are stacking up against one another. We’ll also be posting an episode recap for those of you just can’t get enough Bach.

Will you be joining us this season? Let us know your league or individual team name in the comments. We love your puns. 

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Advertisements
Tagged , , , ,

Welcome to “The Bachelorette” Fantasy League, Season 12

Friends, Romans, countrymen and women! Lend me your ears and your chalices of wine! Welcome to what is sure to be another face-melting season of BachFantasy. If you’re new, allow us to roll out the red carpet. Thank you for joining us. Read more below about how to draft a winning team, what we award points for, and general rules of the game.

If you’re a grizzled vet who has played BachFantasy before and laughs heartily in the face of reality love, allow us to scooch a bit on the couch and make room for you. We’re so glad you’re back. How you doing, my babies? Do you want a snack? What you’ve been up to? Come in for a hug, ahhh, there we go. We missed you.

HOW OUR BACHELORETTE FANTASY LEAGUE WORKS

1) Gather your “Bachelorette”-loving friends and coworkers, and choose a League Commissioner. The Commissioner is responsible for tallying league members’ points each week and sharing the standings with the league.

2) Choose how your league is going to run your draft (read more on that below) and submit your contestant picks to your league commissioner.

3) Watch “The Bachelorette” every Monday night, beginning May 23 on ABC.

4) Visit this blog every Tuesday morning to see how each of your contestants scored. The league commissioner should add up the point totals for each team in order to figure out the weekly rankings. You can use our BachFantasy Scoring Template to keep track of your league members’ scores.

THE DRAFT

You have a few options when it comes to drafting your Bachelorette fantasy league team team of five contestants. Click here to read more about how to draft your team.

POINTS CATEGORIES

When picking contestants, you’re the team owner. So you do you. Crazies earn a lot of points (and they’re the very lifeblood of the show’s existence), but you’ll be most rewarded for picking contestants who go the distance. (You can read our opinions on this season’s drafting pool here.)

Points are divided into Phrases, Actions, and Roses. We’ve added a few new points categories this year during Ben’s season and a couple more for JoJo’s season; look for bolded points below to see the newbies. We post a new wildcard points category on Twitter every Monday before the episode airs, so be sure to follow us there for the latest info.

There will also be a mid-season draft after Episode 5 in which you’ll be able to add one player to your team if it’s no longer intact. Don’t worry about that for now; there will be more deets later. Onto the points!

Phrases

  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiancee or wife (10 points)
  • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Discussing his virginity (15 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Telling the Bachelorette that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (30 points)
  • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelorette (50 points) NEW IN 2016

Actions

  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Bonus: using the phrase “steal [the Bachelorette] away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Singing or playing an instrument for the Bachelor (5 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Must be sitting on the ground
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Attending a concert (10 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Interrupting a rose ceremony to ask to speak with the Bachelorette alone (20 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Must actually see moisture fall. We’re sticklers on this. 
  • Having a secret girlfriend at home (25 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
    • Only for nudity; having your mouth blurred for profanity doesn’t count
  • Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
  • Drafting the next Bachelor on your team (40 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Roses

  • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points, only available first night)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (now worth 35 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Refusing the Fantasy Suite when the Bachelorette is game (-75 points)
  • Proposing or being proposed to (85 points) NEW IN 2016
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

WILDCARD POINTS

Each week, we’ll announce the upcoming wildcard category for the week on Twitter (so follow us to see what it is). It will change weekly and is only awarded to one dude per episode. For example, one wildcard category might be: the first man to dance this week gets 20 points.

SCORING

We’ll score each episode for you and post each contestant’s scores every Tuesday morning. Be sure to check back every Tuesday to see how your teams are stacking up against one another. We’ll also be posting an episode recap for those of you just can’t get enough Bach.

Will you be joining us this season? Let us know your league or individual team name in the comments! (We heart puns.)

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Tagged , , , ,

Season 20: Episode 10 Women Tell All

Ah, the Women Tell All, we’ve missed you. So many almost-tears, so many non-apologies. Side note: how do you get to be in the studio audience? We want in. Chris Harrison, call us. Also, that Blooper Reel is the stuff dreams are made of. Why don’t they include more of those moments on the show itself? JoJo was gold in that blooper reel. If she doesn’t win this season, I hope she’s the next Bachelorette. (Don’t even come at me with these Caila rumors. I’m not really digging it.)

Also! We didn’t award points when they rolled clips from the past season, except for the Blooper Reel.

Lastly, for the finale next Monday, tweet us a photo of your viewing party and hashtag it #BachFantasyViewingParty. We’ll be retweeting a bunch of the photos next Monday.

  • Amanda: 10 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Mentioning her kids (5 points)
  • Amber: 20 points
    • Calling another contestant a liar (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Becca: 20 points
    • Calling another contestant a liar (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Caila: 65 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Asking Ben why he got rid of her (15 points)
    • Admitting feelings still remain for Ben (20 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Emily: 20 points
    • Calling another contestant a liar (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Haley: 20 points
    • Calling another contestant a liar (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Izzy: 0 points
  • Jackie: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Jami: 15 points
    • Calling another contestant a liar (15 points)
  • Jennifer: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • JoJo: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Jubilee: 85 points
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
    • Apologizing to another contestant (5 points)
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Lace: 65 points
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Mentioning a new romantic interest in her life (10 points)
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Lauren B.: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Lauren H.: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Lauren LB: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Leah: 20 points
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Mandi: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Olivia: 50 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
    • Apologizing to another contestant (5 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Rachel: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Samantha: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Shushanna: 0 points
  • Tiara: 0 points
Tagged , , , , ,

Season 20 (Optional) Women Tell All Points Categories

My friends, I apologize for this terribly late post. Both of us BachFantasy co-founders moved this week, and as BachFantasy is still just a hobby and not our 9-5s (WE WISH), we had to abandon it a little bit. We sincerely apologize and appreciate your patience.

These points are optional so if your league does not want to award any points for tonight’s episode, that’s okay. Also, there will be no wildcard points tonight.

 

We’ve decided to only award points to the contestants belonging to each team AFTER the mid-season draft. Some of you pointed out that it seems like we’re punishing people who drafted well (i.e., have JoJo and Lauren B. remaining on their teams and thus don’t have an opportunity to score as many points in the Women Tell All). We’re actually hoping that this gives teams who aren’t doing as well a chance to catch up and make the finale even more exciting in your leagues.

Here’s what we’ll be scoring during the Women Tell All (in addition to all the regular points):

  • Entering a guess as to who will win the show (5 points)
  • Apologizing to another contestant (5 points)
  • Apologizing directly to Ben (5 points)
  • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points; available once per contestant)
  • Mentioning a new romantic interest in her life (10 points)
  • Asking Ben why he got rid of her (15 points)
  • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Calling another contestant a liar or saying that she’s lying (15 points)
  • Admitting that feelings still remain for Ben (20 points)
  • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
  • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise/Bachelor Pad (25 points)
    • Must be officially announced on the show 

Good luck!

 

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Season 20, Episode 9: Points

Loved that opening shot of Ben crawling up ancient ruins in flip-flops and cargo pants. (I saw Ben Higgins hiking in cargo shorts and flip-flops so I went out and bought cargo shorts and flip-flops.)

This episode was ja-maican me crazy for many reasons, not the least being that I just moved to Higgins’ town (chill, it’s Denver—not Warsaw, Indiana), and the show comes on at 9 p.m. here. What the what! Bach fans in Mountain Time Zone, how do you do it?!

Also, I like believe in Ben and Lauren. He is such a smitten kitten with her. I’ve never seen a Bachelor more infatuated with a contestant. It’s kinda refreshing.

Okay, let’s get into points.

Caila: 200 points STAT CORRECTION

  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I’m in love with him” to Ben (20 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Ben (30 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)

JoJo: 170 points

  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I’m in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelor (30 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Lauren B.: 180 points

  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I’m in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Ben (30 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Season 20 Episode 8: Points

This week was about 100 minutes of boring, 5 minutes of #CHAD and 5 seconds of JoJo’s mom going vertical with a bottle of champs. Thank you for that gift, Mrs. JoJo.

I know we’ll get these questions so:

  • Unfortunately our rules state that a contestant gets points if she has a secret boyfriend – no points for having an ex come back into the picture (we’ll update this for next season). So close, Chad.
  • Amanda and Ben sat on a blanket on the beach, but did not have any food – no picnic points
  • A lot of girls tonight told the camera they were in love with Ben – this kind of falls in between our two categories. Judge rules that you only get 30 points if you actually say “I love you” to Ben directly.

Amanda: 120 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I love him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Mentioning her kid (5 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiance or husband (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)

Caila: 135 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I love him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

JoJo: 130 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Lauren B.: 130 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I love him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Tagged , , , , , , ,

Season 20, Episode 7: Recap

This week had us heading to the bustling metropolis of Warsaw, Indiana (population: 14,042).

I never understand why some seasons of “The Bachelor” have seemingly unlimited budgets (grand tours of Europe, expensive dates spent dangling from the sides of tall structures) and other seasons seem to be funded directly out of my own checking account. We’ve had too many lackluster dates this season in terribly boring places. In this episode, one date is LITERALLY standing in a field near a barn and flying a kite, then rowing a rickety old pile of firewood around a pond for a couple of laps. If I paid money for this movie, I’d ask for a refund.

Isn’t the whole non-ironic point of “The Bachelor” to be escapist? It’s hard to indulge in the fantasy of finding love in a six-week whirlwind romance when the dates are the kind that I went on in college, where the single goal was: “How can I spend the LEAST amount of money possible and still have a marginally enjoyable time?” Just kidding, I didn’t go on any dates in college.

We’re treated to a montage of Ben driving around his all-American hometown in a vintage red pick-up truck. This is the stuff Ted Cruz’s wet dreams are made of. They act like Ben still lives in Warsaw even though he took the first train outta that one-stoplight town the moment he turned 18.

Remember, the Bachelor always needs a shtick. Chris Soules: Farmer Joe. Juan Pablo: Latin American sex god with the interior of a philandering, middle-aged real estate developer. Ben: 1950s-esque All-American Quarterback from Small Town USA. Basically, Ben grew up tall, and he grew up right, with them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights.

While the ladies wait on a nearby dock, Ben is shown cruising across the lake at a sensible speed in a giant pontoon, like a geriatric James Bond. Caila, who has moved 17 times but apparently never near a lake, attempts to stop the boat with her biceps and is nearly knocked off the dock in the process. We were thisclose to medical attention points.

Lauren B. gets the first frugal date, which consists of Ben driving her ass around town in a pick-up and waving at the people he could not wait to move far, far away from. While riding, he points out his high school and Lauren B. asks him what position he played on the football team. He could NOT contain his smile when he answered, “Quarterback” and I donno, maybe at that moment, I bought into this Small Town USA fantasy too.

Lauren and Ben shoot hoops and play recess games with local chickadees. After they kiss, one kid says to the camera, “Lauren and Ben did the smushy smushy.”

Do-not-think-it-means

Ronny, the Half-Court King of Warsaw came down from his castle to dunk a half-court shot and the coach LOST HIS MIND. Then Ben, former local quarterback, calls in some favors and the Indiana Pacers come through the door—several men with either the first name or the surname George. Lauren says she can really appreciate the Pacers because she used to play basketball.

Jennifer-Lawrence-ok-thumbs-up.gif

Ben and JoJo go to Wrigley Field on the next one-on-one. As a Chicagoan, I’m annoyed that this corn-fed Hoosier boy is claiming WRIGLEY FLIPPIN’ FIELD as part of his “Special Places in his Hometown” Grand Tour. Wrigley is 128 miles from Warsaw.

JoJo is chattering away on the pitcher’s mound. Ben steps up to the plate and is like, “Seriously, just shut up for a second, lady” and he tries to block her from his line of vision. He says this has been a dream of his for 26 years and he wants to pretend she’s not here.

JoJo has potential as the next bachelorette, non? She has a good amount of personality and sass (I think).

Everyone’s pissed on the group date. Caila, Amanda, and Becca accompany Ben to a random field, where the frugal date is: flying a kite. I’d be like, “Seriously, fuck this, I’ll be in the limo scrolling through Instagram if you need me.”

Caila expresses a fear about not having Deep Roots because her family has moved 17 (!!!) times throughout her life. She makes a weird metaphor about being a moss who wants to find a tree to stick to? She’s just a moss-girl, standing in front of a tree-man, asking him to let her grow on him.

Becca isn’t really digging the show anymore. She liked it better when Farmer Chris was basically begging her to love him. She asks Ben not to blindside her. Spoiler alert: Ben blindsides her.

The group date rose goes to Amanda so she is rewarded with extra one-on-one time. She can barely conceal her disappointment when the evening’s date is revealed to be…SERVING MCDONALD’S IN A DRIVE-THRU. It’s such a thinly veiled promotion for McDonald’s new all-day breakfast menu. Here’s your future in Warsaw, Amanda: being the prettiest girl at the drive-thru window. I feel like The Bachelor really sold its soul down the river for this product placement.  

Amanda and Ben then stroll through a carnival, which has since been ruined for me because I read an article that stated the Bach producers set the carnival up solely for the show. They apparently charged these townies $25 a pop to get in and ogle at the mere presence of two people who have lived outside of Warsaw, Indiana.

The last one-on-one date goes to Emily, and their cheap-ass date is literally just meeting Ben’s parents, which is next door to where the girls are staying. Because yeah, the girl you want to bring home to meet Ma and Pa is the 23-year-old aspiring NFL cheerleader/identical twin from Las Vegas. Ill-advised, Benjamin. Mrs. Higgins actually wept at the prospect of Emily becoming her daughter-in-law.

When Ben lets Emily go, all the girls burst into tears on the couch, hugging her and crying together. Clearly she was a house favorite. She certainly seems like the funnest girl on your dorm floor. Probably not ready to enter a legally binding lifelong contract, though. 

In the end, we say goodbye to Becca too. Better luck next season, Becs.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Season 20, Episode 7: Points

The Bachelor heads to Ben’s all-American hometown in Warsaw, Indiana, where the contestants looked bored as they fly kites, ride a pontoon back and forth across a lake, drive 200 miles to see Wrigley Field, and then come back to serve McDonald’s to the townspeople in a (terribly) sponsored bit of content. Warsaw, Indiana: It’s Just a Small Town in Indiana, Despite How Hard “The Bachelor” Tried to Prove Otherwise.

We bid adieu to Emily and Becca, so the ladies making it to the Final Four (AKA Hometowns) are Amanda, JoJo, Caila, and Lauren B. We’ll award those points next week when Ben actually visits the hometowns.

FYI, wildcard points (20 of ’em) went to JoJo for being the first to mention Hometown Dates tonight.

  • Amanda (110 points) 
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Mentioning her kids (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for Ben” to the camera (20 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Becca (45 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Caila (80 points) 
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Emily (80 points) 
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelor’s family or friends (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • JoJo (90 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points for mentioning hometowns (20 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren B. (100 points) 
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the camera (20 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelor’s family or friends (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Season 20, Episode 5: Recap

People in the Twitterverse are complaining that Ben, is bland but I think he is suffering from a major case of Being Aware That the Camera is Always On. Remember America, it could always be worse.

juan pablo with rose

The Bachgaggle descends on Mexico. They frolic thru Mexico City with the carefree innocence of people who don’t read the news and have never heard of El Chapo. These broads feel more excited about a hotel room with some queen size beds and a bidet than I’ve felt about anything in my life. And I’ve seen Beyonce thrice.

Amanda gets the first one-on-one. Ben sneaks into the hotel and wakes up the ladies at 3 a.m. Lauren H. is wearing a retainer that she not-so-subtly pulls out when the camera is pushed into her face. (I mean, good for her. Teeth shift as you age and braces are expensive. If Ben’s into frugality, maybe she’ll earn some marks.)

To be honest, I don’t like the mandatory “Sneak in and wake up the ladies early to catch them without makeup!” routine that the Bachelor always does. It feels very, “Let’s look under the hood of this Ferrari and see what we’re REALLY dealing with!”

And you’re kind of screwed either way, right? Either you wear full stage makeup and hair to bed and you look like a tryhard Disney princess, or you go to bed with a washed face like a normal person and Men’s Rights Activists (lollll) explode with glee on Twitter that “HA WE KNEW IT YOU’RE A NORMAL GIRL and women alwayz be trapping men this way!”

Regardless, Amanda is in full makeup. I saw LIPGLOSS. Either a producer tipped her off or she goes to bed camera-ready every night while on The Bachelor. It makes me feel sad.

They go up in a hot air balloon. Amanda talks about her deadbeat ex, who preferred to go out and party in SoCal rather than stay at home with his wife and two young daughters. Not excusing his behavior in any way (don’t have kids if you’re not prepared to be a dad), but he was probably 23 when this all went down. At 23, I could barely keep a houseplant alive let alone a marriage. This is a case of Too Much Too Soon.

The group date heads to a Spanish lesson and then onto a cooking class. “Who doesn’t like to eat food on dates?” asks Ben, to which I answer, “Every contestant on this show, but thanks for trying.”

Olivia is a pariah who does everything short of curb-stomping Jubilee to claim Ben as her cooking partner. She asserts to the camera that she loves Ben and that they have a secret love language all their own. Love is a two-way street and Olivia is hitchhiking all by herself along the side of Higgins Highway.

giphy.gif

The contestants pair off and cook a gourmet meal that will be judged by this cute pair of Mexican chefs who sass the contestants a bit. (“This looks like dog food,” said the female chef, in reference to Olivia and Ben’s creation.) The female chef has the most personality of anyone on this show, and now I want her to be the next Bachelorette.

JoJo prepared a taco dish AND a lengthy monologue positively riddled with innuendo. “My taco is amazing. Ben already tasted my taco and he loved it,” she says with a completely straight face.

Jubilee is in a funk the entire date, which is often the kiss of death. Never brood on the Bach. Ya gotta be on. You have 6.5 days a week to be “off” and a couple of hours mandatory to be “on.” You have to be the Grand Marshal of the Pollyanna parade. It sucks, because it’s not how it is in real life, but them’s the breaks. Accordingly, Jubes is sent home early. Fare thee well, my dear.

In a strange twist, Olivia gets the group date rose. “You don’t even have to say congrats, you don’t even have to say it,” she assures the other contestants, with less self-awareness than my dog.

Lauren H., the low-key racist,  gets the next one-on-one. They casually pop into a Mexican boutique and, before we know it, they are invited to participate in Mexican Fashion Week. It’s almost like it was planned.

Though she is sweet, I’m not sure Lauren H. has emotionally graduated from college. She could still easily pass as the vice president of any sorority, anywhere.

Ben: “Have you ever modeled?” 

Lauren: “Well, I can’t keep a straight face”

That’s not answering the question. No, Lauren H. from Michigan, you have never modeled. Like, just say it, it’s okay. Most of us haven’t either.

“There’s no one here who looks as beautiful as you,” monotones Ben. She wobbles down the catwalk, blinking rapidly but holding her own. From where I stand, the key to modeling (other than letting your hips enter the room about three seconds before the rest of your body) is to give zero fucks. ZERO. You’re so bored. You’re so hot that these unwashed masses are LUCKY that they’re paying to see you strut in front of them.

giphy.gif

Ben served up some Blue Steel realness and he tapped into that slightly cocky, I know I’m hot model face. LET’S DIP INTO THAT WELL MORE, SHALL WE?

Lauren H. shares a “sob story” about some frat bro who cheated on her when she was 19. (So last year…) She gets the rose but she isn’t long for this world.

The cocktail party is a little tense. Olivia keeps rubbing her face with her rose and the girls are not about it. To try and build some goodwill, Olivia responds to Amanda talking about her children by commenting that “it’s like Teen Mom.”

tumblr_ni1uwvH6Pj1slj24go1_500.gif

When Amanda is appropriately offended by this, Olivia backtracks, clarifying that she was talking about the show. Yeah. We got that.

This is the last straw for Emily. She tells Ben that Olivia sucks and Ben is happy because this means they’ve finally reached the point in the season where he is legally allowed to kick Olivia off the show. As the rose ceremony starts, Ben asks if he can speak to Olivia, and the episode ends. The previews from next week tell us we’re going to handing out A LOT of crying points.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Season 20, Episode 5: Points

Vaminos a Mexico! The contestants frolicked through Mexico City with the carefree innocence of people who don’t read the news and have never heard of El Chapo.

Wildcard points would have gone to the first lady to go for a swim (we thought Mexico = beaches or a pool of some sort) and yet no one took a dive. So no wildcard points tonight.

It was also the first cliffhanger of the season (no rose ceremony), poorly timed for our Mid-Season Draft. ALAS, the same thing happened last year so we have a road map. Come back later this afternoon for the official unveiling of the Season 20 Mid-Season Draft Rules & Regs. We out.

  • Amanda (105 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Mentioning her kids (5 points)
    • Mentioning a previous husband (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for Ben” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Becca (50 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelor (30 points)
  • Caila (40 points) 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Ben (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Emily (40 points) STAT CORRECTION 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Jennifer (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • JoJo (20 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Jubilee (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Lauren B. (40 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Ben (20 points)
  • Lauren H. (75 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Leah (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Olivia (80 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for Ben” to the camera (20 points)
      • Editor’s note: she also said “I love Ben” but she only receives points for that if she says “I love you” to Ben himself 
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (a ring; WTF) (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,