ABC waited until the 11th hour to post these cast bios. You know there’s one lone summer intern running around and pressing buttons in the control room.
Here’s our insider guide to who we think you should draft for your Bachelorette fantasy league teams, based strictly on their online bios. Bear with us. This year’s crop of contestants is like a kindergarten classroom where everyone shares three names, so the entire roster is First Name Last Initial.
Ben H. | age: 26 |software salesman | Denver, CO
Choice line from his bio: On marriage: “It is a total sacrifice.” He sounds ready for this.
We need to hear more about: What he’s got planned for that “quiet place in the woods,” because it sounds like the ideal location for a murder. If a Bachelorette gets murdered in the woods, and Chris Harrison isn’t there to remind them to say their goodbyes, did it even happen?
Ben Z. | age:26 | Fitness Coach | San Jose, CA
Choice line from his bio: He’d have lunch with his mom because he’d “take any extra second he can get with her.” It sounds like there is a sad story behind that answer. I’m sure he won’t choose to tell it at an opportune moment for maximum Emotional Connection to Bae.
We need to hear more about: why he openly refers to himself as “calculated.” That’s not a good thing, brah.
Bradley | age: 25 | International Auto Shipper | Atlanta, GA
Choice line from his bio: Bradley wants to be Tom Brady so he can play in an NFL game and “then go home to Gisele.” Like, fine, samesies, but maybe don’t tell that to your potential future girlfriend. Suspended 4 dates for putting his foot in his mouth.
We need to hear more about: Just how serious his sarcasm skillz are. He’s talking big game, but we’ll be the judges here.
Brady | age: 33 | Singer-Songwriter | Nashville, TN
Choice line from his bio: He’s jealous AF of pre-divorce Gwyneth Paltrow. Listen to the dude wax poetic about Chris Martin, the person he admires most in the world for his “creativity, humility, charisma, and wit.”
We need to hear more about: why he looks like Jimmy Fallon’s Nickelback-loving little brother.
Chris | age: 28 | Dentist | Nashville, TN
Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear is that the girl “tries to eat his food.” Brady and I share this fear. I get it, man. L’eggo my E’ggo.
We need to hear more about: Obviously how he ended up on national TV in his underwear. Was it accidental? Did he lose a bet? Was he participating in some sort of televised amateur stripping competition? I really hope it’s that last one.
Draftability: 4/10. Idk, he seems kind of vanilla.
Clint | age: 27 | Architectural Engineer | Chicago, IL
Choice line from his bio: For a day, he’d want to be “Chuck Norris, for obvious reasons.” Um, 2007 called. It wants its meme back. (Also, while you have 2007 on the phone, please tell it to prevent Britney from staging her comeback at the VMAs.)
We need to hear more about: his word vomit. He’s afraid of saying too much on a date. Once you pop, the fun don’t stop.
Corey | age: 30 | Investment Banker | New York City, NY
Choice line from his bio: The investment banker admires “everyone who truly does what they love everyday.” Dang, that’s a thinly veiled cry for help. Corey, you didn’t have to go on the Bachelorette just to get out of investment banking.
We need to hear more about: his superpower. Again, it’s revealing. Corey wants “the ability to do everything I wanted without needing sleep or losing my health and fitness.” Corey. Babe. You don’t have to work 110 hours a week anymore. You made it to the Bachelorette ranch. Go have a margarita with Chris Harrison.
Cory | age: 35 | Residential Developer | Pearland, TX
Choice line from his bio: Cory’s afraid of finding out his date “is really a dude.” Really? that’s the WORST thing that could happen to you?
We need to hear more about: Why he would waste the opportunity to be anyone else in the world, on being someone he already was. Cory would choose to be “his younger self” for a day. Cool.
Daniel | age: 28 | Fashion Designer | Nashville, TN
Choice line from his bio: The best present he’s ever received is “support and love.” That’s nice. And definitely a lie.
We need to hear more about: This off-brand Shia LaBeouf’s career as a fashion designer. Does he get inspo from his doppleganger? TBD.
David | age: 26 | Real Estate Agent | Orlando, FL
Choice line from his bio: Eh. Slim pickins. He may be that rarest of Bachelor contestants—a normal civilian. Which means he’ll be packing his bag in about two weeks.
We need to hear more about: his crazy exes. I hope his “biggest fear: bumping into an ex who makes a scene” is juicy foreshadowing.
Ian | age: 28 | Executive Recruiter | Los Angeles, CA
Choice line from his bio: Ian’s biggest date fear is a girl who “can’t hold a conversation.” Luckily, ABC gives everyone on this show a script that just repeats the words “journey, incredible, scared, and rest of my life” in varying combinations. It’s like a maddening verbal factorial.
We need to hear more about: the “romantic” clock he made. I’m no diva, but I don’t know how I feel about getting a clock, handmade or not, for Valentine’s Day. Actually, I do know. I don’t want it. Chocolates, por favor.
Jared | age: 26 | Restaurant Manager | Warwick, RI
Choice line from his bio: He “doesn’t really have any” date fears. I respect that.
We need to hear more about: Whether he is going to turn into a werewolf at the next full moon. Idk, he just has that face.
Draftability: As a human: 6/10, as a werewolf: 6/10
JJ | age: 32 | Former Investment Banker | Denver, CO
Choice line from his bio: See how much happier he is now that he’s a former investment banker? JJ is future-Corey. Chilling out in Denver, toking every day, prank calling his former coworkers on Wall Street.
We need to hear more about: His apparent gambling addiction?
Joe | age: 28 | Insurance Agent | Columbia, KY
Choice line from his bio: He’d have lunch with his “grandmother who just passed away this last December. Just because I miss her.” That’s some sweet shit right there. I just got a cavity.
We need to hear more about: his five-year plan. “I’m a man that takes life one day at a time” is the statement of someone who has no idea what he’s doing at 6 p.m., let alone next week or next year.
Jonathan | age: 33 | Automotive Spokesman | Detroit, Michigan
Choice line from his bio: None. I’m bored.
We need to hear more about: his actual job. Being an “automotive spokesman” in Detroit is like saying you’re on the board of tourism for Pyongyang, North Korea. Pics or it didn’t happen.
Josh | age: 27 | Law Student/Exotic Dancer | Chicago, Illinois
Choice line from his bio: If he could have lunch with anyone in the entire world, he picks HIMSELF twenty years from now. Good lawd. There’s enjoying your own company and then there’s Josh, self-appointed Most Interesting Man in the Room.
We need to hear more about: Sorry for burying the lede. EXOTIC. DANCER. Hell fucking yeah, ABC, now we’re cooking with gas.
Joshua | age: 31 | Industrial Welder | Kuna, ID
Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear? “My mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow.” That’s either a) something that happened to him once in junior high or b) an actual fear because he lives with his mom.
We need to hear more about: his job. It sounds lumbersexual as hell. (Pssst, hey boi, I’ve got something for you to weld…)
Justin | age: 28 | Fitness Trainer | Naperville, IL
Choice line from his bio:If our boy Justin here could be someone else for a day (reminder: the parameters are ANYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE PHYSICAL UNIVERSE), he chooses: “Someone from a less privileged area or country. It would be an eye-opening/humbling experience.” To Justin, anyone outside the bubble of Naperville, Illinois is less privileged. Also, you can have that experience literally any day of any week. It’s called volunteering.
We need to hear more about: His business. He wants to own a training company that uses trainers to train other…trainers? I don’t know.
Kupah | age: 32 | Entrepreneur | Boston, MA
Choice line from his bio: When asked what marriage means to him, Kupah rattled off a string of incoherent words he’s read on Dove chocolate wrappers over the years. “FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER. Team, companion, friend. Mates, support, trust, balanced.” I think this answer was translated from English to Japanese, then back to English again.
We need to hear more about: the origin of that name. I hope his friends and family call him Supah Dupah Wicked Pissah Kupah in a raging Boston accent.
Ryan B. | age: 32 | Realtor| Wellington, FL
Choice line from his bio: He “meant to send a pic to [his] girlfriend and accidentally tweeted it.” DICK PIC FTW.
We need to hear more about: Definitely NOT the time he rode his bike from Florida to California to rescue a dog. That’s just poor logistical planning, and you know even the rescue dog was like, “Ugh, really? Florida?”
Ryan M. | age: 28 | Junkyard Specialist | Kansas City, MO
Choice line from his bio: He says being married is about “bringing new life into this world.” Okay, Jim Bob Duggar, let’s pump the brakes.
We need to hear more about: his occupation as a junkyard specialist. I feel like that’s a euphemism for a sex addict. Besides, America already has a favorite junkyard dog.
Shawn B. | age: 28 | Personal Trainer | Windsor Locks, CT
Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear is “not being interested and not being able to get out of the date.” Twenty bucks this dude leaves on his own accord.
We need to hear more about: the fact that there are two men named Shawn on this show.
Shawn E. | age: 31 | Amateur. Sex. Coach. | Ontario, Canada
Choice line from his bio: His “ultimate date” sounds absolutely exhausting. Skydiving, followed by swimming in the ocean, followed by a hot tub, followed by doing it ‘til dawn.
We need to hear more about: his tenure as an amateur sex coach. Because of course the guy with the choker necklace is an amateur sex coach.
Draftability: 1/10 (but he could be the token weirdo that the Bachelorette is contractually obligated to keep way belong his expiration date)
Tanner | age: 28 | Auto Finance Manager | Kansas City, MO
Choice line from his bio: His biggest fear is his “date not liking [him] as much as [he] likes her” which is sweet, vulnerable, and just a pinch of Stage 5 Clinger.
We need to hear more about: his boozehound date. There’s a story there, and I’m all ears.
Tony | age: 35 | Healer | St. Louis, MO
Choice line from his bio: He’s so coy about his job as a professional healer. You know, just slavin’ away at that 9 to 5, healing necks and cashing checks.
We need to hear more about: his delightful zig-zag part.
Chris Harrison | age: exact birth date unknown | TV therapist | in a rose garden, California
We need to hear more about: Chris Harrison has written a romance novel and it is being published on May 19. He is a Renaissance man. He is a rose among thorns.