We kick off the fantasy suites by Andi walking us through what she likes and doesn’t like about each contestant, as if we have not watched this show for the past 8 weeks.
She calls Josh one of the most handsome men she’s ever seen: tall, sexy, with olive skin, and piercing blue eyes. “He’s got that personality that every woman is attracted to,” she says, proving why we need the feminist movement.
With Chris, she harps on and on about his manly farmer-ness and how “cute” he is, so this is how we know he’s going home tonight.
Nick’s One-on-One Time
Nick and Andi board a helicopter and go to a private island off the coast of the Dominican Republic. “This crystal clear beautiful blue water is just beautiful,” she informs the at-home viewer. So poetic. It’s like I’m there.
Nick answers questions about his former engagement, saying that he was essentially in a depression for six months after his fiance called the wedding off. Andi loves that he’s opening up about his past, so to celebrate, they go snorkeling and wreak havoc on the ecosystem, like a pair of finned godzillas. As my fiance yelled at the TV, “You’re not supposed to touch the coral, ya fucks!”
Her scarf-loving suitor then reads a book to Andi, and it’s a fairy-tale version of the season so far. I would’ve personally preferred a medley of Frozen songs. “Do you wanna build a marriagggge?”
They head off to the fantasy suite to Let It Go, if you catch my drift, but not before taking a quick detour to drape themselves against a palm tree and whisper, “I love you.”
Josh’s One-on-One Time
The following day, Josh and Andi explore Santo Domingo and he recites the one line of high school Spanish he remembers when he sees Andi: “Hola! Que bonita!” They see a merengue band and they jump in to dance goofily to the music. Wouldn’t it be exhausting to be on this show? You have to be constantly Up For Anything, because the moment you let the facade slip, you’re probably going home for lack of enthusiasm. It’s like a two-month-long job interview, but with blue balls.
Andi then surprises him with an outing to a baseball diamond where a bunch of little leaguers are playing. Not pictured on camera: Josh in the dug-out, psyching himself up for the game and alternating between hysterical sobs and slapping himself repeatedly in the face, “COME ON, YOU CAN DO THIS, JOSH! THIS IS WHY DADDY LOVES AARON MORE!”
Josh says, “It means a lot to me that she pays attention to the things I enjoy.” Well, Josh, you’re about as one-dimensional as it gets; your love (or fear…?) of baseball is essentially the only thing we know about you. We didn’t have to pay close attention to learn that because you remind us of it in every. single. conversation. He’s as subtle as a prostitute in a saloon.
Josh is drunk with power as he pitches against fifth-graders because he can finally dominate the field. He mocks tackling the 11-year-old catcher at home plate, and I’m pretty sure that was take two. They can’t show the original take, because that first catcher is in the ICU of a hospital in Santo Domingo.
It’s only a game, Focker.
Hopped on endorphins and HGH, Josh tells Andi he loves her and informs the viewers at home that he’s “beyond love!” We’re so sure.
Josh inquires Andi about what kind of a mom she will be. She says she’ll let her kids get away with stuff. Well, if these two end up together, those kids are gonna need some leeway. Because we already know what kind of a dad Josh will be. The scariest fucking dad ever. The dad who gets booted from his son’s Little League game for putting the ump in a chokehold.
They go back to the fantasy suites where Josh undoubtedly turns himself on by reenacting his highlight reel from the baseball game earlier.
Chris’ One-on-One Time
It’s time for Chris’ date. They’re on a gorgeous tropical island in the Caribbean and they manage to find the few squares of farmland, somewhere in the middle. that look like Iowa. Can’t the farmer catch a break? They go horseback riding and Andi reveals she’s terrified of horses, which bodes well for her future farm life.
Next, they play a half-assed game of hide-and-seek, and Chris and Andi have less chemistry than most cousins do.
She lets Chris go, pulling down her pants and shitting all over his home state in the process. “It’s not you…it’s Iowa!” That’s a lot of smack talk for someone from Georgia, just saying.
Andi then blubbers on and on about how it’s actually not Iowa, it IS him, which is a real nice way to kick him when he’s down. Poor Chris just sits there and listens to her explain that she is just not that into him no less than five times. He is a real sweetheart about the whole thing and leaves with dignity, which is more than a lot of these bozos can say.
Now tell us, should we score the Men Tell All?
It’s not you, it’s Iowa but also you,
J, B, and K