Category Archives: Episode Recaps: Season 19

Season 19, Episode 6: Recap

Can somebody explain to us what exactly was the intended date activity in the Badlands (besides death stares and backstabbing)? Did they plan to just roll around on the bed that somebody airlifted from the set of Faith Hill’s “Breathe” music video?

The Five Best Moments That Earned Points

  1. Ashley I.’s crying face. It’s exactly like a toddler having a tantrum in the candy aisle.
  2. Kelsey’s self-diagnosed “panic attack.” We WebMD-ed her symptoms just to check. Turns out the medical diagnosis here is “Manipulative Temper Tantrum.”
  3. Britt dancing with Chris at the Big & Rich concert, while hearing the song “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” for what was clearly the first time. Did she not have ears in 2004?
  4. The most awkward helicopter ride in Bachelor history. Kelsey tried very hard to impress Chris and Ashley I. (who like, totally has a Master’s degree too, okay?!?!) by reciting the president’s faces on Mt. Rushmore. Calm down, Wikipedia.
  5. Kaitlyn spitting out some country rhymez on the group date. Leave it to our girl Kait to shut a date down, flip it, and reverse it.

The Five Best Moments That Didn’t Earn Points

  1. When Chris choppered off solo into the sunset, leaving Kelsey and Ashley I. alone in the Badlands.you-can-walk-home
  2. Jade’s awkward run down the streets of Deadwood with Big (or was it Rich?) in order to unlock her songwriting potential. You know that cameraman was like, “Slow down, fuckers.”
  3. Kelsey’s ice-cold, laser staredown at Ashley I. when she returned to the canopy bed in the Badlands (sidebar: Canopy Bed in the Badlands would make a great band name. I call it. Mine.).
  4. Chris, returning to the group date with Britt, offering a lukewarm non-apology for being a teensy bit insensitive to his other girlfriends while on the date, and then peacing the eff out of there. Screen Shot 2015-02-15 at 4.04.56 PM
  5. Chris’s adorable schoolgirl giggle, which was out in full force during his one-on-one with Becca. Some peeps on Twitter seemed creeped out by it. I found it oddly endearing.

Wildcard points for tonight: 25 points to the first lady who says, “I really need this one-on-one date” (or similar).

Get ready for two back-to-back episodes this week!

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Introducing the Mid-Season Draft!

The rumors are true—it’s time for a mid-season draft to shake up your standings. Please note that this is completely optional. If your league isn’t down to clown, it’s no big deal.

If you are foaming at the mouth for a mid-season draft, then keep reading.

The Rules:

– If your team is NOT fully intact (i.e., you no longer have all of the contestants you originally drafted):
  • You can draft exactly one more lady to your roster.

 

– If your team IS fully intact:
  • You get a bonus of 70 points
  • OR you can swap out one of your existing contestants for another lady.

 

When To Draft:

– You can complete the mid-season draft BEFORE the start of Episode 6 on Monday. (Just be aware that the bonus lady you draft may get the axe immediately. Such is life.) It’s up to you and your league.
– Because of the cliffhanger ending to episode 5 (ugh, way to chap my ass, ABC), our league is going to pause AFTER the first rose ceremony next Monday (technically, episode five’s rose ceremony) and complete the mid-season draft by emailing the commissioner with our chosen contestant. This has to be done IMMEDIATELY after the first rose ceremony is over.

Points:

– No matter which way you draft, you’ll receive points for your new team for the ENTIRETY of episode 6.
  • For example, if you pause after Episode 6’s first rose ceremony to draft Jade to your team, and she receives two roses at both ceremonies, you’ll receive all of those points. Drafting AFTER the first rose ceremony of the night just ensures that you aren’t adding a lady to your team who will be immediately axed. That’s it.
– Normally, our points categories are awarded once per episode per contestant. However, we’re making an exception in Episode 6 for the category “Getting the rose to stay another week”, worth 25 points. Ladies will be eligible for those points twice this week, once per rose ceremony (assuming there ARE two rose ceremonies).
Questions? Y’all are dang thorough with everything Bach-related (which is why we all get along so well), so we expect a few. Let us know in the comments!
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Season 19: Episode 4 Recap

Chris may have been relieved of one Ashley this week, but he isn’t safe yet. How much longer will the producers force Chris to keep Ashley I. around, subjecting him to her make out attacks and all-around Stage 5 Clinger behavior? I’m sure she packed enough Princess Dresses for all ten weeks, but I think she’s got another two episodes max. Hers is an exit I can’t. wait. for.

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Let’s all take a mini-journey of our own, and revisit the most bonkers moments of episode four.

The Five Best Moments That Earned Points

  1. Jade’s Cinderella-themed date, which was the most appropriate (if trite) movie plug ABC has ever pulled off in the history of the show. Remember when it was The Lone Ranger during Desiree’s season? More Americans saw the 30-second clip of Des watching The Lone Ranger on “The Bachelor” than actually saw The Lone Ranger.
  2. Ashley S. planted a juicy one on Chris after whisper-seducing him with that most flirtatious of lines, “What are you? What are you?” Way to take one for the viewing audience, Chris. Purell those lips, bro.
  3. Ashley S. also swooped in with the very first “I love you” of the season. She was just an alien, standing in front of a human male, asking him to love her (and get her back to her home planet).
  4. Kaitlyn ditched her bottoms for an impromptu daytime skinny-dip session on the group camping date. It was less “sexy skinny dipping” and more “hanging a full moon.”
  5. Jillian snoozed in the pool with her kibbles and bits hanging out, per usual. Let’s start the grassroots campaign now: Jillian’s Black Box for the next Bachelorette.

The Five Best Moments That Didn’t Earn Points

  1. Next year, we’re adding the category “Mentions his/her virginity.” Gotta be worth at least 10 to 15 points. And a negative 25 points every time a fully grown-ass woman refers to herself as “innocent.”
  2. When Jillian forgot she wasn’t in the locker room at the local CrossFit and asked Chris if he’d rather bang a stinky hobo with a “bird in her hair, the whole nine” or abstain from sex for five years.
  3. The Bachelor producers went meta for the second group date and made the women physically compete in an obstacle course race while wearing wedding dresses. There were so many layers to that date that somewhere, a grad student is framing her women’s studies thesis paper around it.
  4. Jealousy is pretty par for the course on this show. But Ashley I. took it to the next level when she became so obsessed the princess date she wasn’t invited on, that she got ready for it anyway and paraded around in the house in her rhinestone and desperation encrusted gown.
  5. The moment Becca casually mentioned that she was also a virgin, but a virgin who plays it supes cool. Consider Ashley I.’s thunder stolen. THIS HOUSE AIN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR TWO VIRGINS.

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Wildcard points: first woman to tell Chris that this is “harder than she expected” next episode gets 15 points

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Season 19, Episode 3: Recap

What up, playas?

jean ralphio

Real talk, so gather around mummy: a lot goes down on The Bachelor every week. There is really just too much crazy to capture in a recap of reasonable length while still remaining gainfully employed at our 9 to 5s. So, this week we’re delivering your recap in list form.

The Best Five Moments That Earned Points

  1. Ashley I., Mackenzie, and Megan interrupting Jillian and Chris’s one-on-one time in the hot tub. They actually argued about spending time with Chris while sitting three feet away from him. “But I don’t want just one minute with him, that would SUCK!” – real words Mackenzie spat at Ashley I. within earshot of Chris.
  2. Ashley I. kissing Chris on the lips…and almost pushing him off the roof in the process.
  3. The censor on Jillian’s undercarriage.
  4. Ashley I. sobbing because she just realized the show she’s on is “The Bachelor” and there are literally a dozen other ladies after her man.
  5. Jade—in a nude bikini and white stilettos—making out with Chris on his own bed. Who does she think she is, Cher Horowitz?

cher-falls-off-bed

The Best Five Things That Didn’t Earn Points

  1. Jillian stonewalling the trio of desperados when they interrupted her one-on-one time.
  2. Grown-ass women chugging warm, unpasteurized goat milk and committing animal rights violations because they thought it was the best way to get a boy to like them.
  3. Chris and Whitney deciding to “spontaneously” crash a wedding…but going home to put on more appropriate outfits first.
  4. Jimmy Kimmel calling the contestants “sister wives.”
  5. When Mackenzie told Chris she was going to be blunt with him—and for just a second, she looked like she might devour his soul.

mackenzie

Season 19, Episode 2: Recap

The show opens with Kimberly begging for a chance to come back on the show. I’ve never seen anyone beg to come back after the first epsiode. Chick’s got cojones. Chris relents. The Originals and the Others handle this calmly and maturely. Just kidding, they all throw tantrums.

Chris Harrison meets with our Bachelor to discuss the cocktail party, and he asks Chris if he remembers anything about last night, proving everyone is hammered on this show.

While the first group date gets underway, we see Jillian and Meg traipsing around Chris’s house. They commit some light B&E, and Jillian’s lower half is blurred throughout the entire segment. Megan dons Chris’s motorcycle helmet and rams it into stainless steel refrigerator, exposed brick, and a wooden wall. This is a simple statement of fact.

Back at the ranch, Juelia reveals she’s a single mother and a widow because her husband killed himself. Highs and lows, this episode, I tell ya.

First Group Date

Chris and his posse show up at a weird, corporate office to attend a pool party. After the obligatory chicken-fight, the gaggle of ladies walk around downtown L.A. and hop on idling tractors to compete in a race—in their bikinis. Just like in Iowa! High marks for authenticity.

Some poor intern spent his entire afternoon schlepping in bales of hay so the group can have a picnic in the middle of the boulevard. This is why L.A. traffic is so awful—random reality shows filming on your freeway ramps.

Mackenzie gets the one-on-one time after the group date and turns up the charm with classic 1-2 punch: “Did you ever have an earring?” and “I like guys with big noses!”

I think when you’re 21 years old and you’re repeatedly told you’re cute your whole life, you think you can say whatever you want and people will just coo over you. Then you turn 30 and realize what an awful, hot little shit you were back then. She’ll get there, you guys.

She asks him if he believes in aliens, seemingly out of the blue. Chris doesn’t have an answer, so he flips the tables around and is like, “Do YOU believe in aliens?”

And what I find inexplicably bizarre is that Mackenzie just shrugs her shoulders and says, “I donno.”

Dude, if you’re going to bring up aliens on the first date, you’d better have a well-developed stance on aliens. She talks about her son a lot. It’s boring.

Fun fact: Mackenzie was 6 when Chris graduated school. She could almost be Chris’s Kale.

Back at the BachMansion, Megan gets the one-on-one date and doesn’t even realize it. She thinks it’s a love note. Her elevator doesn’t quite reach the top floor.

Megan’s One-on-One Date

They take off in a chopper over the Grand Canyon. It’s very Bachelor. We take another dip on the emotional rollercoaster when Megan reveals that her dad died just a few weeks before she came on the show.

That story took the wind outta my snarky sails. Moving on.

Second Group Date

The limo pulls up to a haunted house parking lot and zombies attack the car. The girls freak out and try to make themselves apparate. Amber quickly becomes our favorite by ripping a shot of Fireball before she exits the limo.

Ashley S. doesn’t understand paintball, zombies, or human emotion. She’s Terminator in heels. She walks coldly through a hailstorm of bullets and undead corpses and pumps lead into a few more zombies’ heads, even when the other ladies are like, “That zombie is dead! She’s dead! She’s just an out-of-work actress from Nebraska who wants to work in Hollywood and you’ve maimed her irreparably!”

This is how war crimes happen. This is also why there are waiting periods at gun shops.

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Instead of being AT ALL freaked out during the zombie slaughter, Ashley S. turns in a slow circle, looks into the camera and says, “I FEEL LIKE I’M IN MESA VERDE!” which is either A) a complete non-sequitur or B) a sick burn on Mesa Verde.

She sees angels in candles, she talks to cats, and she compliments Chris’ leather and asks him if he wants to lose the whole world. No one is safe. Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife.

The rose goes to Kaitlyn on the group date.

Back at the ranch, Jordan wears sweatpants, drunkenly twerks upside down, and talks mad shit about the other girls. My typical Saturday night. She specifically has a problem with Jillian who has a toned ass but also maybe a hairy one? Suddenly the black bar earlier in the episode makes a lot of sense.

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Rose Ceremony

Whitney gives him a bottle of whisky. I thought they were sequestered on the ranch from the outside world. She must’ve bought it off of Tara.

Ashley I. reveals she’s a virgin. Mackenzie loses her damn mind and quickly Googles hymen reconstruction surgery. She also gives bad advice and says that all guys love taking a woman’s virginity. Never take relationship advice from a 21-year-old.

During her one-on-one time at the cocktail party, Ashley I. encourages Chris to rub her belly button ring like she’s some college-girl-on-spring-break genie and everyone in America collectively cringed.

Jordan, who didn’t pump the brakes on her bender in time for the cocktail party, is plastered. Trina the southerner says, “Bless her heart, I think she’s had one too many drinks.”

Jordan says she’s going to step up her game and stumbles around, applying lipstick, and half-interrupting Chris’ one-on-one time. She tries to kiss the camera then tries to kiss Chris.

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Chris calls Juelia’s name and Jillian mistakenly steps forward to claim her rose. She trips on her rug when she realizes her mistake. If you didn’t rewind that several dozen times, you can’t sit with us.

It’s official: we’re falling back in love with the Bachelor.

Wildcard points for Monday’s episode: 10 points will go to the first contestant to make a disparaging remark about Ashley S.

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Season 19, Episode 1: Recap

All aboard the crazy train this season, BachFantasy-ers. Choo choo! Show opens with a surprise appearance from the reanimated ghosts of Bachelors and Bachelorettes past, mingling and strutting the red carpet like it’s an awards show. But let’s focus on the meat and potatoes of the episode—the looney tune parade about to spill out from a caravan of limos idling outside the Bachelor Mansion.

Limo Introductions

First to step out of the limo is Britt. The hug she gives him is the reason this episode was three hours. She performs lamaze into his lapel for about 45 seconds, then gives him a coupon for a free hug. Are homemade coupons still a thing? I did this for my mom one Christmas when I was little, and even I knew it was lame: “One koupon valid for picking up dog poopies.” Get a real gift.

Following Britt we have Whitney, Kelsey, Megan, and Ashley I. Yawn.

Limo #2 rolls up and Trina steps out first. We completely forget about her because the next contestant Reegan strolls up to Chris with a biohazard cooler. She should’ve gone full crazy, opened the cooler wordlessly, then whispered: “THIS IS ALL THAT’S LEFT OF THE LAST MAN WHO DUMPED ME.”

Not to be upstaged, Tara hops out of the limo, cowboy boots first. She takes a lap and makes a pit stop to slam a jack and coke, burp, and do a costume change. Chris, to his credit, (tentatively) recognizes her when she walks up to him for a second time, now in a cocktail dress. Meh.

Amanda’s eyeballs give Chris a secret admirer note. Jillian the Crossfitter sizes Chris up, but decides to benchpress him later. How much you wanna bet that 90% of her Facebook photos are action shots of her during Crossfit workouts? Mother Kale, Ashley Onion, and Kaitlyn follow. Kaitlyn steals the show by telling Chris he can “plow the bleep out of her field any day.” Ride ‘em, cowgirl.

We’re treated to a limo intermission here, and there is wild speculation about whether there are more girls en route. Chris kicks off one-on-one time with Britt. They eye fuck each other and he basically puts a ring on it right then and there. Whitney takes a hit from a nearby helium tank, then brings up hog insemination with Chris #TalkDirtyToMe. Amanda is up next, and she rewards him with three minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.

Chris pretends like he’s cool with having just 15 contestants, but I can sense the quiet panic. There’s an insatiable greed for MOR LADIEZ.

So of course, the unthinkable happens. MORE LIMOS. The first fifteen girls have already, IMPOSSIBLY, formed alliances and are throwing major shade at the women who are arriving a mere 30 minutes after them. The first 15 ladies were one shot of tequila away from getting matching “Original 15” tattoos. Classic in-group, out-group scenario. Makes the world go round.

Screen Shot 2015-01-11 at 12.34.24 PMThe Original 15 assume the position to defend their turf.

“The Others” continue rolling in, and there’s no shortage of sequins or gimmicky introductions. Chris is greeted by airplane seatbelts, motorcycles, whiskey shots, a pig nose, a brutal karaoke performance, and he still repeatedly referred to himself as the “luckiest man in the world.” What a sport liar.

The Originals continue to lose their collective shit as A SIXTH LIMO SHOWS UP. We’re introduced to Tracy, Bo, Kimberly, Kara, and Jade. Kara tells Chris that she thinks they’d make really cute babies, and you can practically see his weiner retreat inside his body.

Apparently while we weren’t looking, Ashley S. nibbled a handful of mushrooms, because she begins waxing philosophic about onions like a stoned college freshman. She approaches Chris and WWE Diva Brittany with a consolation rose and rambling on about how she wants “her time” with Chris. It’s all very awkward.

Then, talking directly to the cameras, she claims to see an onion growing in a bush outside the Bachelor Mansion. Because the producers are on our side, they tell her to go check it out. Ashley remarks, “If it’s a pomegranate, then God bless it.” Spoiler alert: it is a pomegranate. God wants nothing to do with it.

Britt gets the First Impression Rose and lands the first kissing points of the season.

Rose Ceremony

Meanwhile, Tara has killed a fifth of Jack by herself and is stumbling around the mansion hiccuping and slurring. She racks up drunk-on-camera points (editor’s note: I’m always delighted when I get to hand these out) and the rose ceremony is so long that she’s able to cycle through the Five Stages of Drunk: trying to conceal your buzz, shit-talking, uncoordination, acceptance/elation, and passing out.

Tara drunk bachelorLet’s order Domino’s! 

The good news is when the rose ceremony finally ended, McDonald’s was serving breakfast. Nothing cures a hangover like a Big Mac.

Kimberley is the first contestant in history (totally unverified) to be dismissed on the first episode and try to crawl her way back in. Gotta admire that perseverance. If you drafted her, she might not be gone forever.

We like where this season is headed.

Wildcard points for Monday’s episode: 20 points will go to the first bleepin’ contestant who has her mouth blurred for profanity.

This show is like an onion—zesty and it hurts our eyes,

Becca and Jorie

What was your favorite part of the premiere? Let us know in the comments!

 

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Wanna Borrow Our Scoring Template? Download It Here!

It’s almost time for Chris Soules to make his debut as the man, the myth, the Bache-legend. Are you watching live? Be sure to pause after limo introductions and draft your five contestants.

Calling all league commissioners: click here to download a BachFantasy scoring template that will help you keep track of the points over the course of the season. Our resident Excel whiz, Becca, has given us this special gift—Happy Bachelor Premiere Day indeed. Just don’t mess with the formulas (like I accidentally did; I literally exploded them everywhere and had to call for back-up) and you’ll be golden.

Tell us in the comments how your league plans to draft tonight!

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Welcome to “The Bachelor” Fantasy League, Season 19

Welcome back for our third season of BachFantasy! After a few months of productive Monday evenings, we’re back and ready to let The Bachelor suck the life out of us all over again. This season’s crop of bachelorettes (farmer pun absolutely intended—buckle up and get used to it) is full of freshly spray-tanned ladies who all lied about their willingness to move to Iowa in the name of love.

If you’re new to BachFantasy, or could use a little refresher on how this works, keep reading. Otherwise, we’ll see you back here on January 6th with Episode 1 points. (Wish you were watching along with us each week? Follow us on Facebook and Twitter; we live tweet each episode!)

How Our Bachelor Fantasy League Works

1) Gather your “Bachelor”-loving friends and choose a League Commissioner. The Commissioner is responsible for tallying league members’ points each week and sharing the standings with the league.

2) Choose how your league is going to run your draft (read more on that below) and submit your contestant picks to your league commissioner.

3) Watch “The Bachelor” every Monday night, beginning January 5th on ABC.

4) Visit this blog every Tuesday morning to see how each of your contestants scored. The league commissioner should add up the point totals for each team in order to figure out the weekly rankings.

Calling all league commissioners: click here to download a BachFantasy scoring template.

The Draft

You have a few options when it comes to drafting your Bachelor fantasy league team team of five contestants. Click here to read more about how to draft your team.

Mid-season Draft (Brand New!)

This season, our league is trying something new to spice it up. When there are 10 ladies left, you’ll have the option to trade one of your players or replace an ousted player with one of the remaining bachelorettes.

For example, if my team is down to two ladies, I can draft one of the remaining ten to my team for a new total of three active players. Or, if I still have a full team of five, I can trade one of my players for a bachelorette I think has a better chance of winning. Spicy, no?

Points Categories

You’ll be rewarded for drafting bold contestants but more so for drafting contestants who go the distance. Points are divided into Phrases, Actions, and Roses.

We’ve added a new wildcard point category to keep things fresh throughout the season!

Phrases

  • Talking about her parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Mentioning her kid (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiance or husband (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Chris or “I’m falling for him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Chris (30 points)
  • Telling Chris that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (30 points)

Actions

  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Bonus: using the phrase “steal Chris away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Dancing at a concert (5 points)
  • Singing/playing an instrument for Chris (5 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelor a gift (5 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Must be sitting on the ground
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Must actually see moisture fall
  • Having a secret boyfriend at home (25 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
    • Only for nudity; having your mouth blurred for profanity doesn’t count
  • Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
  • Drafting the next Bachelorette on your team (40 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Roses

  • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points, only available first night)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Refusing the Fantasy Suite (-75 points)
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

Wildcard Points (Brand New!)

Another addition we’re making this season is a wildcard point category. Each week, we’ll announce the upcoming wildcard category for the week. It will change weekly and is only awarded to one lady per episode. For example, one wildcard category might be: the first lady to be shown on camera in a bikini this week gets 40 points.

Scoring

We’ll score each episode for you and post each contestant’s scores every Tuesday morning. Be sure to check back every Tuesday to see how your teams are stacking up against one another! We’ll also be posting an episode recap for those of you can’t get enough Bach.

Will you be joining us this season? Let us know your league or individual team name in the comments! 

P.S. Sign up to get an email every time we post!

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