Tag Archives: the bachelorette

Season 12, Finale: Points

We made it through the wildernesssss. Somehow we made it throooooough. JoJo chose her man, and now they have a great portmanteau: JoJor. Hope JoJor makes it work and pop out a couple of babies with huge Jimmy Neutron-style coifs and pants so tight they cut off their circulation.

BEST UNDERRATED MOMENT during the finale? When they cut to the live studio audience after she lets Robby go, and everyone is sitting shell-shocked like they’d just received extremely personal, deeply troubling news. We’d kill to be in that audience; you know yo gals would give the producers some MONEY reaction shots.

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Thanks again for another great season! We won’t be scoring “Bachelor in Paradise” but we will be occasionally live-tweeting, so you can follow us there if you’re missing our snark. Rest up in the off-season — take that vacation, schedule that surgery you’ve been putting off. We’ll see you right back here for the next season of “The Bachelor” when you’re rested and ready.

  • Jordan: 335 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (hat; note) (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelorette (50 points)
    • Proposing or being proposed to (85 points)
    • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)
  • Robby: 110 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (flowers; photos; note) (5 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
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Season 12, Men Tell All: Points

JoJo’s gang descended upon Southern California for one last hurrah. Chad continued his scorched earth policy, using his air time to drag fellow contestants, JoJo, and several ex-girlfriends of the cast members. He’s like the Chief Troll. We heard way too much from Nick B. and Vinny, considering they were kicked off in like, week two. Vinny’s mom interrupted Chris Harrison from the audience to ask JoJo why she got rid of her son, making JoJo even gladder she let Vinny go so she wouldn’t have to deal with that as a monster-in-law on the regular. Luke and Chase battled all night to win America’s hearts and minds in their bid to be the next Bachelor. (Who do you think it will be?)

We were treated to a bunch of Bachelor in Paradise teasers and lots of your bois are headed that way. We won’t be scoring but we will be watching and potentially live-tweeting this summer, so follow us there.

Onto the points!

  • Alex: 30 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Apologizing to JoJo for his behavior on the show (10 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Ali: 0 points
  • Brandon: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Chad: 95 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Mentioning a new romantic interest in his life (10 points)
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
    • Speaking negatively about/toward JoJo (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Chase: 45 points 
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Asking JoJo why she got rid of him/what went wrong (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Christian: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Daniel: 30 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Derek: 20 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Evan: 45 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Grant: 25 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
  • James S.: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • James Taylor: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Jon: 5 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Jordan: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Luke: 75 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Asking JoJo why she got rid of him/what went wrong (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Admitting that feelings still remain for JoJo (20 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Nick B.: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Robby: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Vinny: 25 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
  • Wells: 30 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Will: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 12 Episode 7: Points

First, a caveat: We were a man down tonight, so I tweeted and scored. I think I got everything, but speak up if I missed anything. FYI, guys will get points for making it to hometowns next week, and the guys did not get points for singing on the bus since it was not to JoJo (though it was awesome).

How did your team do going into Hometowns? We did the math for you.

  • Alex: 60 points 
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another country (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Chase: 45 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James Taylor: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Jordan: 120 points 
    • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Wildcard points (First to appear shirtless) (20 points)
  • Luke: 55 points 
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Robby: 85 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body party blurred on camera (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 12, Episode 6: Points

Last night’s episode was a little on the nose (en la nariz), no? Between the love triangle tango and the woman belting out “Evita” on a balcony while Derek bawled in the limo on his way to the airport…the producers weren’t being subtle. That’s okay. We don’t watch “The Bachelorette” for subtlety. We watch for the elaborate picnic spreads, the chopper rides to remote lagoons, the fumbled metaphors comparing rappelling down a building to falling in love. And dammit, the Bach delivers time and time again.

Onto the points.

Robby snagged the wildcard points last name, 15 points for speaking a full sentence in Spanish (when he read the date card that said “Besame, besame, muchacho”).

  • Alex: 50 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chase: 95 points 
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the two-on-one date (40 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Derek: 90 points 
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • James Taylor: 70 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jordan: 70 points 
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Luke: 60 points (stat correction)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
  • Robby: 65 points (stat correction)
    • Wildcard points (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wells: 65 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Introducing Season 12’s Mid-Season Draft

The rumors are true. The mid-season draft is upon us.

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If you’re struggling in your league, this could change everything. You have the opportunity to nab a frontrunner.

The Rules:

– If your team is NOT fully intact (i.e., you no longer have all of the contestants you originally drafted):
  • You can draft exactly one more dude to your roster.

– If your team IS fully intact:

  • You get a bonus of 50 points
  • OR you can swap out one of your existing contestants for another dude

When To Draft:

– You should complete the mid-season draft BEFORE the start of Episode 6 on Monday. Email your league commissioner with your chosen contestant. May the Bach gods smile upon you.

Questions? Comments? Recent nightmares you need analyzed? Let us know in the comments.

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Season 12, Episode 5: Points

The moral of last night’s episode? NEVER date a Chad. 15 wildcard points went to Jordan, who was the first man to celebrate Chad leaving the house.

The mid-season draft will take place this week, if your league is choosing to participate! Stay tuned for a post on Wednesday (tomorrow) with details.

  • Alex: 50 points 
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chad: 0 points
  • Chase: 70 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Daniel: 0 points
  • Derek: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Saying “steal her away” during said interrupting (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
  • Evan: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Grant: 35 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • James F.: o points
  • James Taylor: 70 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Note: we did not award instrument points because he wasn’t playing the guitar for the Bachelorette herself or singing a song about her
  • Jordan: 115 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Luke: 70 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Robby: 150 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Vinny: 35 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wells: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 12, Episodes 3 and 4: Recap

It’s going to be a doozy of a recap because we have four hours of Bachelorette to cap. Like Evan scraping the bottom of the pool with his schnoz, let’s dive in.

Chase and JoJo go on a one-on-one date at a yoga studio, in which the sole purpose is to embarrass them. Listen, betches, we do yoga regularly. That wasn’t yoga. Have you ever made out with someone in yoga? I have, but I’ve been asked not to return to that studio anymore. What do you think Chase was thinking about while they were yib-yabbing to avoid pitching a tent in his yoga shorts?

Chase is hot and seems nice enough, so he gets the rose. In about 20 minutes we’ll have moved on to bigger and better Chads, forgetting all about Chase.

The group date consists of each of the men telling a funny sex anecdote in front of a studio audience. Grant’s story about losing his virginity in a park and being busted by the cops was adorable. Wells pantomimed ripping ass in a major way, and I donno, I fell in love a little bit. Lots of men told stories about being walked in on mid-coitus. Coitus interruptus, if you will [high five gif]. Evan’s story about roid rage (and how Chad has it) was kinda lame and he was totally prodded by the producers to say it. Chad rips Evan’s shirt while he’s en route back to his seat, and then punches a door backstage, proving definitively that he is on steroids, so maybe Evan was just performing a public service.

Chad, fresh off his rage blackout, goes up onstage last and tries to make a speech — not about his sexual past, but rather his future. He goes in to kiss JoJo and she gives him the cheek. It’s an amazing burn.  

Back at the mansion, no one feels safe with Chad roaming the property, doing pull-ups on furniture and wolfing down meat — so the producers hire a Rent-a-Cop to do laps around the pool with a stern look on his face. Great. Instead of alleviating the Chad problem, I now have another man’s safety to fear for. Run while you can, Rent-a-Cop!

Finally, Evan decides Chad’s aggression is so serious that it’s time to tell Dad. So he stops Chris Harrison and does just that. Chris pulls Chad aside to confront him about his threats of violence and encourages him to use his words. Chad returns to the house to angrily not apologize, and Chris Harrison wipes sweat from his brow, having worked the most he will all season.

Episode 4 opens up with a pool party instead of a cocktail party. Evan thinks he’s competing in the X Games of synchronized swimming and manages to emerge from his swan dive with a bloody nose. I’m embarrassed.

The rose ceremony sees Ali, Christian, and Nick B. heading home. Guess JoJo heard Chad’s earlier warning about staying the eff away from nice guys.

Moody Luke gets the first one on one date. JoJo arranges for a posse of sled dogs to pull their Go-Kart through the woods to a clearing with a hot tub. Apparently this is a wood burning hot tub or some shit, so first they have to chop wood to make it hot. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Do I have to do everything?

They wrap things up by ignoring the meal in front of them and then shamelessly making out in front of Generic Country Band and their audience, claiming to the camera that they’re so into each other, they don’t even notice the crowd of screaming people taking photos of them.

On the football date, the crew heads to the Steelers stadium, where alleged rapist Ben Roethlisberger is tossing around the pigskin. JoJo asks him for dating advice, which is like asking Subway Jared to help you choose a babysitter. Between the chronic concussions and its wife-beating professional players, the NFL has a serious PR problem. So whose idea was it to call up Big Ben for a cameo on “The Bachelorette,” whose audience is primarily female? Roger Goodell, call us before you do literally anything else. Like don’t even order lunch without running it past us. The NFL is such a dumpster fire right now.

James Taylor cracks an eyebrow open and rebuffs the medic’s suggestion that he go get stitches — because if there’s anything more important than not having a facial scar for the rest of your life, it’s winning a game of five-on-five touch football on a reality show.

Alex and Chad get the two-on-one date, proving once again that there is a God and he/she wants us to be happy. When that duo choppered up the river en route to the date, all I could think of was this scene from Apocalypse Now. They go on a hike and each take the opportunity to bust out their provided hatchets and hack away at some innocent plantlife because #testosterone. Whose idea was it give Chad a hatchet, btw? I just did a full-body shudder thinking about the fact that Chad likely owns guns back at home.  

JoJo hikes off-camera with a gaggle of producers and begs them to allow her to give Chad a Viking funeral. Oh, sure, they say. Get rid of Chad, they say. They high-five and laugh maniacally behind JoJo’s back as she boots Chad into the river and leaps into Alex’s arms.

Cut to the next scene. We see Chad hiking through the forest at twilight, Blair Witch Project-style. He’s not going home. He’s whistling to himself and strolling somewhere, muttering about having to “get Alex.”

Finally, he reaches the Bachelor mansion where the dudes are celebrating Chad’s departure. PREMATURELY CELEBRATING, mind you. Our villain won’t go down without a fight. He places both hands on the glass window and slides them down. Several men in the house scream. I screamed.

I actually said aloud, “God, this is good TV.” I doff my cap to the Bachelorette producers.

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Season 12, Episode 4: Points

Never have I ever been this upset about a “To Be Continued…” at the end of a “Bachelorette” episode. WHAT DOES CHAD DO OUTSIDE THE HOTEL?! We have to wait two weeks to find out. This season has taken a delicious detour into horror movie territory and I’m HERE FOR IT.

Twenty-five wildcard points last night went to Evan, who was the first man to bleed. Although I’m making this face to the editors

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for using some smoke and mirrors to make it seem like Chad was responsible for said bleeding. Instead, the cause was Intense Synchronized Swimming™.

Onto the points! Some men scored double rose points this week, which we allowed — however, we did not count any other category twice, per our usual rule of once per episode (so Robby and Jordan only got kissing points once).

ALSO WE NEED YOUR EYEBALLS: there was a shot of some of the men with their tootsies in the hot tub in the first five minutes of the episode during the pool party. I don’t have DVR — and my co-founder was at the Beyonce concert so we didn’t catch it! If you know exactly who was in the hot tub at that moment, comment and we’ll update the points accordingly. Thanks!

  • Alex: 120 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Ali: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Chad: 75 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Chase: 25 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Christian: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Daniel: 50 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Derek: 75 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Evan: 70 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points: first man to bleed (25 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Grant: 45 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • James F.: 50 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • James Taylor: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Needing medical attention (20 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jordan: 130 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Luke: 130 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her to the camera” (20 points)
  • Nick B: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Robby: 95 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Vinny: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
  • Wells: 45 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)

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Season 12, Episode 2: Points

If there’s any takeaway from last night’s episode, it’s that I’m not using my luggage to its full potential. Overall, we saw Chad double-down on his Chadness: eating deli meat by the fistful, threatening other men’s teeth, and generally spitting some uncomfortable truths about the actual length of time generally required before you can fall in love with a person. Like all good #Bachelor and #Bachelorette villains, Chad has gone off-script, and we’re HERE for it.

A couple of caveats before we dig into points:

  • On the second group date, we awarded dancing points for gentlemen partaking in the so-called “touchdown dance.”
  • However, we didn’t award any proposal points. Technically, yes, several of the contestants “proposed” but that category is worth 85 points a pop — we intended the category to be reserved for the last remaining contestants. So no points awarded there.
  • During the SECOND time they broke into song about JoJo, it was super hard to catch the entire group. There were two guys wearing hats who were hard to make out. I’m pretty sure one was Robby (I gave him the points), but the other one had his back entirely to the camera and I couldn’t tell who he was. If you have additional evidence that will help us identify this mystery singer, please share and we’ll update accordingly.

The wildcard points category of the night (announced on Twitter) was 20 points to the first man called at the rose ceremony. Alex scooped those up.

  • Alex: 65 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Wildcard points: first dude called at the rose ceremony (20 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ali: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Brandon: 5 points
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Chad: 100 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Telling the Bachelorette that several contestants aren’t here for the right reasons (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal her away” during the interruption (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chase: 35 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Giving a gift to the Bachelorette (fake snow) (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Christian: 45 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Daniel: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Derek: 60 points
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Evan: 50 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Grant: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Winning alone time with the Bachelorette on the group date (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James F.: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James S.: 5 points
    • Singing (5 points)
  • James Taylor: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing or playing an instrument (the guitar) (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the group date rose (35 points)
  • Jordan: 45 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Luke: 50 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Nick B: 45 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Robby: 45 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Vinny: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wells: 70 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Needing medical attention (20 points)
    • Getting the group date rose (35 points)
  • Will: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 12 Episode 1: Recap

Buckle up, friends, it’s going to be a drunk season. Following in the footsteps of this season’s fresh crop, I’m 1.5 Bloody Marys deep and ready to get down to some snarking. Since a narrative recap of the premiere would really just boil down to a list of guys named James getting out of a limo to embarrass themselves, we decided to mix things up – yearbook style.

 

Class of Season 12 Superlatives

highschool-yearbook

Most Likely to Bench Press the Bachelorette: Alex

Alex is a short guy with big muscles. He’s already done pushups with JoJo on his back. He’s got something to prove and he’s using his muscles to prove it.

Most Likely to Have a Panic Attack on a One-On-One Date: Ali

Ali was adorably nervous during the whole premiere. He loosened up a bit while playing the piano (or maybe he’d had eight cocktails by then), but Ali is one tightly wound little Mozart.

Most Likely to Get the Axe Next Week: Brandon

Brandon is one of the contestants with a ridiculous “job”, but unlike most of them he has the personality of a used q-tip. Unless things get pretty hipstery next week, Brandon will probably find himself with a lot of time for Instagramming latte art and cruising around on his fixed-gear bike.

Most Likely to Leave the Season with a Restraining Order: Chad

Chad wasted no time establishing himself as the season villain, and it looks like his rage train is on the express track. If Chad were an emoji, he’d be the red-faced guy with a couple of flexed biceps on the side.

Most Likely to Stick Around Despite Having a Below Average Personality: Chase

Chase is attractive and doesn’t seem like a total psychopath. He’ll be here for a while, despite seeming pretty vanilla.

Most Likely to be a Relatively Normal, Nice Guy: Christian

Despite the fact that this dude regularly wakes up in the middle of the night to do crossfit or whatever, I think we may actually have a nice person on our hands here. He’s gainfully employed, keeps his two brothers alive, and hasn’t revealed a pathological rage problem yet. 5/5 stars.

Most Likely to be a Group Date Allstar: Derek

Derek seems fine. I predict that he will go on every group date, playing nice with the other guys (perhaps even showing them the ropes – “So we’re going to compete in this sushi making competition, and then the losing half of the group will have to hitchhike back to the mansion.”), but probably not make much headway with JoJo one-on-one. There are worse Bachelorette fates, Derek.

Most Likely to be Unemployable After This Show: Daniel

Daniel is the season buffoon, here to keep us entertained with the right mixture of shameless ego and minimal self-awareness. Daniel has already defeated the odds by getting a rose despite shedding his clothes and drunkenly belly flopping into the pool on night one, so he’s got more time to embarrass himself before he’s cut.

Most Likely to Worry About Shrinkage: Evan

Evan’s calling in life is to help dudes get boners. Given how many of the Bach leisure and date activities involve swimming, he’s probably mainlining testosterone as we speak.

Most Likely to be a Dark Horse: Grant

Grant was on my short list to draft and I swapped him at the last minute for some White Dude With Stubble™ because history. Now I kind of regret it. I think Grant could stick around.

Most Likely to be Torn Apart by the Fashion Police: James F.

I’m still not over the black shirt and red tie combo. Probably won’t ever get over it. I know Joan Rivers would be on my side here.

Most Likely to Shit His Pants in Chris Harrison’s Presence: James S.

James lives for The Bachelor franchise and his little Ken doll brain couldn’t even compute sharing space with legends like Chris Harrison and Jake Pavelka.

Most Likely to Bring an Acoustic Guitar to the Hot Tub: James Taylor

Please, don’t.

Most Likely to Have a Target on His Back: Jordan

Jordan wasted no time charming the pants off JoJo (not literally, give it a few episodes, guys) and establishing himself as the early front runner. He’s a former pro athlete, attractive, and likable (though his ex has given us something to think about), which means he’s public enemy #1 in the Bach mansion. Sleep with one eye open, Jordan.

Most Likely to Cry it Out: Luke

Luke’s intro featured him somberly discussing his military service. There’s no way this will not come up during an emotional conversation over a dinner that no one will eat.

Most Likely to Surprise Us: Nick B.

Nick B. showed up in a Santa costume. And stayed in a Santa costume. And beat his “Jo Jo Jo” joke to death for two hours wearing a Santa costume. Despite all that, JoJo was into him. Rereading his bio, he may be normal enough to actually have some longevity in this circus.

Most Likely to Bore the Hell Out of Us: Robby

Robby checks the Bach boxes: styled hair, conventionally attractive, slightly murdery eyes, mildly successful athlete at some point in his life, etc. He may also have less personality than a box of hair. TBD.

Most Likely to Be Hungover the Whole Season: Vinny

Vinny was one of the Three Musketeers who earned themselves some visible drunkenness points during Monday’s premiere. I have a feeling that is going to be Vinny’s legacy on this show. Not feeling too confident that he’s going to reinvent himself before he gets booted.

Most Likely to Bring Ginuwine to the Fantasy Suite: Wells

Wells set the bar high by showing up on night one and wooing JoJo with some sweet 90s slow jams. I think Wells is in it for the long haul, and he’s got to top All-4-One.

Most Likely to Knock Teeth with JoJo While Kissing: Will

Poor Will. His cootie catcher kiss gimmick could have been cute, but unfortunately he and JoJo had chemistry roughly equal to that of most first cousins. There could be hope for Will yet, but he’s climbing an uphill battle.

Most Likely to Speak Up During Men Tell All Despite being on the Show for 40 Seconds: Coley, Jake, Jonathan, Sal, Peter, Nick B.

These guys came for their 15 minutes and damnit they’re gonna get it.

Which superlative categories do you think we missed? Tell us in the comments!

 

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