Tag Archives: the bachelorette

Season 13, Episode 10: Points

Well. Here at BachFantasy HQ, we are shook. Simply put:

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Just can’t believe Rachel let Peter (sweet, mature, crying-his-eyes-out-on-his-sweater, adorably gap-toothed Peter!) go because he wasn’t ready to propose after six weeks of nonexclusive dating. He was READY to start a life with her! He just wasn’t ready to propose yet. So instead, she bid adieu to this…

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and signed on for a life sentence with a Certified Monster-in-Law and a marriage to a man who has appeared on another reality dating show. Bryan was her second-choice! It was so obvious to the at-home viewer and the entire Internet. But our girl wanted a ring, and she wanted it bad.

Rachel did some impressive back-pedaling during the live finale, trying to explain that there were some other issues with Peter that led to their break-up (What—his six pack was too firm? She frequently got lost in his eyes? He was just TOO understanding?). Frankly, we’re not buying what she’s selling. She was justifying her choice of spouse, and we all saw through it. Peter telling her to enjoy her mediocre life (and then later apologizing for that like the goddamn Wisconsin gentleman he is!) was a great mic drop moment. Then, Rach retorted that she’s living her best life, with a haughty little hair flip and a big dose of sass. Methinks the lady doth protest too much…

Anyway. Mazel to the newly betrothed, or whatever.

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At least Eric’s revenge beard was on POINT during the live portion of the finale. Gotta cling to small victories in moments like these, ya know?

Here’s what we got for the final points. What’d you think of this season’s ending? Let us know in the comments.

  • Bryan: 410 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
    • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Proposing or being proposed to (85 points)
    • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelorette (50 points)
  • Eric: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelorette (50 points)
  • Peter: 265 points 
    • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelorette (50 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
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Season 13, Episode 6: Points

Lee got fired and subsequently ditched in the wilds of Norway on the two-on-one. Hope he’s read Hatchet recently. Dude has to sail by the stars back to the U.S.

We also lost a TON of good men this week (Anthony, Josiah, Kenny, Will, and Alex) — if your team is hurting, never fear. We’ve got the Mid-Season Draft coming up this week. Stay tuned for another post on that later this week.

Also: Bryan won the wildcard points for being the first person to predict that Lee was going to go home on the two-on-one date.

  • Adam: 145 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Alex: 75 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Anthony: 0 points
  • Bryan: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard: first guy (other than Kenny) to predict that Lee is going home on the two-on-one (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Dean: 100 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Eric: 125 points STAT CORRECTION 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose on his one-on-one date (25 points)
  • Josiah: 0 points
  • Kenny: 180 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
    • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Lee: 20 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
  • Matt: 95 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Peter: 115 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
  • Will: 45 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)

Did you know we’re on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

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Season 13, Episode 3: Points

Whaboom vs. Aspiring Drummer was the TV feud I didn’t know I needed. We were laughing so hard we upset the dog.

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The Bach needs more Ellen, less urban horseback riding, and more mud-wrestling (but only with the dudes).

We didn’t give Bryce points for talking shit about another contestant, by name — because he didn’t talk to the Bachelorette, he told Raven and Company. Oh my god, that’s the name of my new distressed jeans company.

Wildcard points were going to be 15 to the first guy to comfort Rachel about DeMario, but no one really did. So, two weeks with no wildcard points. We’ll try and get a good category next week.

ALSO LIFE UPDATE: both yo’ girls are now living in Denver. We’re trying to get back on the East Coast/Midwest live tweet stream…but in the meantime, we’ll be tweeting on mountain time.

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  • Adam: 70 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Alex: 100 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Anthony: 115 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Blake E.: 15 points -STAT CORRECTION
    • Saying that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (15 points)
  • Brady: 75 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Bryan: 65 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Bryce: 75 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Dean: 55 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • DeMario: 0 points
  • Diggy: 45 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Eric: 105 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Fred: 50 points – STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Iggy: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Jack Stone: 70 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Jamey: 0 points
  • Jonathan: 55 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Josiah: 15 points
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Kenny: 80 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Lee: 90 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
    • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Lucas: 35 points 
    • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Matt: 40 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Peter: 40 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Will: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)

Did you know we’re on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

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Season 12, Finale: Points

We made it through the wildernesssss. Somehow we made it throooooough. JoJo chose her man, and now they have a great portmanteau: JoJor. Hope JoJor makes it work and pop out a couple of babies with huge Jimmy Neutron-style coifs and pants so tight they cut off their circulation.

BEST UNDERRATED MOMENT during the finale? When they cut to the live studio audience after she lets Robby go, and everyone is sitting shell-shocked like they’d just received extremely personal, deeply troubling news. We’d kill to be in that audience; you know yo gals would give the producers some MONEY reaction shots.

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Thanks again for another great season! We won’t be scoring “Bachelor in Paradise” but we will be occasionally live-tweeting, so you can follow us there if you’re missing our snark. Rest up in the off-season — take that vacation, schedule that surgery you’ve been putting off. We’ll see you right back here for the next season of “The Bachelor” when you’re rested and ready.

  • Jordan: 335 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (hat; note) (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelorette (50 points)
    • Proposing or being proposed to (85 points)
    • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)
  • Robby: 110 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (flowers; photos; note) (5 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
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Season 12, Men Tell All: Points

JoJo’s gang descended upon Southern California for one last hurrah. Chad continued his scorched earth policy, using his air time to drag fellow contestants, JoJo, and several ex-girlfriends of the cast members. He’s like the Chief Troll. We heard way too much from Nick B. and Vinny, considering they were kicked off in like, week two. Vinny’s mom interrupted Chris Harrison from the audience to ask JoJo why she got rid of her son, making JoJo even gladder she let Vinny go so she wouldn’t have to deal with that as a monster-in-law on the regular. Luke and Chase battled all night to win America’s hearts and minds in their bid to be the next Bachelor. (Who do you think it will be?)

We were treated to a bunch of Bachelor in Paradise teasers and lots of your bois are headed that way. We won’t be scoring but we will be watching and potentially live-tweeting this summer, so follow us there.

Onto the points!

  • Alex: 30 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Apologizing to JoJo for his behavior on the show (10 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Ali: 0 points
  • Brandon: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Chad: 95 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Mentioning a new romantic interest in his life (10 points)
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
    • Speaking negatively about/toward JoJo (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Chase: 45 points 
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Asking JoJo why she got rid of him/what went wrong (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Christian: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Daniel: 30 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Derek: 20 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Evan: 45 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Grant: 25 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
  • James S.: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • James Taylor: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Jon: 5 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Jordan: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Luke: 75 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Asking JoJo why she got rid of him/what went wrong (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Admitting that feelings still remain for JoJo (20 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Nick B.: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Robby: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Vinny: 25 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
  • Wells: 30 points
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Will: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 12 Episode 7: Points

First, a caveat: We were a man down tonight, so I tweeted and scored. I think I got everything, but speak up if I missed anything. FYI, guys will get points for making it to hometowns next week, and the guys did not get points for singing on the bus since it was not to JoJo (though it was awesome).

How did your team do going into Hometowns? We did the math for you.

  • Alex: 60 points 
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another country (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Chase: 45 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James Taylor: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Jordan: 120 points 
    • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Wildcard points (First to appear shirtless) (20 points)
  • Luke: 55 points 
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Robby: 85 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body party blurred on camera (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 12, Episode 6: Points

Last night’s episode was a little on the nose (en la nariz), no? Between the love triangle tango and the woman belting out “Evita” on a balcony while Derek bawled in the limo on his way to the airport…the producers weren’t being subtle. That’s okay. We don’t watch “The Bachelorette” for subtlety. We watch for the elaborate picnic spreads, the chopper rides to remote lagoons, the fumbled metaphors comparing rappelling down a building to falling in love. And dammit, the Bach delivers time and time again.

Onto the points.

Robby snagged the wildcard points last name, 15 points for speaking a full sentence in Spanish (when he read the date card that said “Besame, besame, muchacho”).

  • Alex: 50 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chase: 95 points 
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the two-on-one date (40 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Derek: 90 points 
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • James Taylor: 70 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jordan: 70 points 
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Luke: 60 points (stat correction)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
  • Robby: 65 points (stat correction)
    • Wildcard points (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wells: 65 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Introducing Season 12’s Mid-Season Draft

The rumors are true. The mid-season draft is upon us.

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If you’re struggling in your league, this could change everything. You have the opportunity to nab a frontrunner.

The Rules:

– If your team is NOT fully intact (i.e., you no longer have all of the contestants you originally drafted):
  • You can draft exactly one more dude to your roster.

– If your team IS fully intact:

  • You get a bonus of 50 points
  • OR you can swap out one of your existing contestants for another dude

When To Draft:

– You should complete the mid-season draft BEFORE the start of Episode 6 on Monday. Email your league commissioner with your chosen contestant. May the Bach gods smile upon you.

Questions? Comments? Recent nightmares you need analyzed? Let us know in the comments.

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Season 12, Episode 5: Points

The moral of last night’s episode? NEVER date a Chad. 15 wildcard points went to Jordan, who was the first man to celebrate Chad leaving the house.

The mid-season draft will take place this week, if your league is choosing to participate! Stay tuned for a post on Wednesday (tomorrow) with details.

  • Alex: 50 points 
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chad: 0 points
  • Chase: 70 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Daniel: 0 points
  • Derek: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Saying “steal her away” during said interrupting (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
  • Evan: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Grant: 35 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • James F.: o points
  • James Taylor: 70 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Note: we did not award instrument points because he wasn’t playing the guitar for the Bachelorette herself or singing a song about her
  • Jordan: 115 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Luke: 70 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Robby: 150 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Vinny: 35 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wells: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

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Season 12, Episodes 3 and 4: Recap

It’s going to be a doozy of a recap because we have four hours of Bachelorette to cap. Like Evan scraping the bottom of the pool with his schnoz, let’s dive in.

Chase and JoJo go on a one-on-one date at a yoga studio, in which the sole purpose is to embarrass them. Listen, betches, we do yoga regularly. That wasn’t yoga. Have you ever made out with someone in yoga? I have, but I’ve been asked not to return to that studio anymore. What do you think Chase was thinking about while they were yib-yabbing to avoid pitching a tent in his yoga shorts?

Chase is hot and seems nice enough, so he gets the rose. In about 20 minutes we’ll have moved on to bigger and better Chads, forgetting all about Chase.

The group date consists of each of the men telling a funny sex anecdote in front of a studio audience. Grant’s story about losing his virginity in a park and being busted by the cops was adorable. Wells pantomimed ripping ass in a major way, and I donno, I fell in love a little bit. Lots of men told stories about being walked in on mid-coitus. Coitus interruptus, if you will [high five gif]. Evan’s story about roid rage (and how Chad has it) was kinda lame and he was totally prodded by the producers to say it. Chad rips Evan’s shirt while he’s en route back to his seat, and then punches a door backstage, proving definitively that he is on steroids, so maybe Evan was just performing a public service.

Chad, fresh off his rage blackout, goes up onstage last and tries to make a speech — not about his sexual past, but rather his future. He goes in to kiss JoJo and she gives him the cheek. It’s an amazing burn.  

Back at the mansion, no one feels safe with Chad roaming the property, doing pull-ups on furniture and wolfing down meat — so the producers hire a Rent-a-Cop to do laps around the pool with a stern look on his face. Great. Instead of alleviating the Chad problem, I now have another man’s safety to fear for. Run while you can, Rent-a-Cop!

Finally, Evan decides Chad’s aggression is so serious that it’s time to tell Dad. So he stops Chris Harrison and does just that. Chris pulls Chad aside to confront him about his threats of violence and encourages him to use his words. Chad returns to the house to angrily not apologize, and Chris Harrison wipes sweat from his brow, having worked the most he will all season.

Episode 4 opens up with a pool party instead of a cocktail party. Evan thinks he’s competing in the X Games of synchronized swimming and manages to emerge from his swan dive with a bloody nose. I’m embarrassed.

The rose ceremony sees Ali, Christian, and Nick B. heading home. Guess JoJo heard Chad’s earlier warning about staying the eff away from nice guys.

Moody Luke gets the first one on one date. JoJo arranges for a posse of sled dogs to pull their Go-Kart through the woods to a clearing with a hot tub. Apparently this is a wood burning hot tub or some shit, so first they have to chop wood to make it hot. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Do I have to do everything?

They wrap things up by ignoring the meal in front of them and then shamelessly making out in front of Generic Country Band and their audience, claiming to the camera that they’re so into each other, they don’t even notice the crowd of screaming people taking photos of them.

On the football date, the crew heads to the Steelers stadium, where alleged rapist Ben Roethlisberger is tossing around the pigskin. JoJo asks him for dating advice, which is like asking Subway Jared to help you choose a babysitter. Between the chronic concussions and its wife-beating professional players, the NFL has a serious PR problem. So whose idea was it to call up Big Ben for a cameo on “The Bachelorette,” whose audience is primarily female? Roger Goodell, call us before you do literally anything else. Like don’t even order lunch without running it past us. The NFL is such a dumpster fire right now.

James Taylor cracks an eyebrow open and rebuffs the medic’s suggestion that he go get stitches — because if there’s anything more important than not having a facial scar for the rest of your life, it’s winning a game of five-on-five touch football on a reality show.

Alex and Chad get the two-on-one date, proving once again that there is a God and he/she wants us to be happy. When that duo choppered up the river en route to the date, all I could think of was this scene from Apocalypse Now. They go on a hike and each take the opportunity to bust out their provided hatchets and hack away at some innocent plantlife because #testosterone. Whose idea was it give Chad a hatchet, btw? I just did a full-body shudder thinking about the fact that Chad likely owns guns back at home.  

JoJo hikes off-camera with a gaggle of producers and begs them to allow her to give Chad a Viking funeral. Oh, sure, they say. Get rid of Chad, they say. They high-five and laugh maniacally behind JoJo’s back as she boots Chad into the river and leaps into Alex’s arms.

Cut to the next scene. We see Chad hiking through the forest at twilight, Blair Witch Project-style. He’s not going home. He’s whistling to himself and strolling somewhere, muttering about having to “get Alex.”

Finally, he reaches the Bachelor mansion where the dudes are celebrating Chad’s departure. PREMATURELY CELEBRATING, mind you. Our villain won’t go down without a fight. He places both hands on the glass window and slides them down. Several men in the house scream. I screamed.

I actually said aloud, “God, this is good TV.” I doff my cap to the Bachelorette producers.

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