We’re back, everyone, and we’re in Marseille. The bros immediately exhaust their French vocabulary shouting “BONJOUR!” and “MERCI!” as they run through the streets of Marseille. A French date card arrives, and JJ no comprende. Gaston, er, Josh, is the lucky guy to score some one-on-one time with Mademoiselle Andi.
But, first, Chris Harrison interrupts this broadcast for a pointless interview with Andi, during which she confesses that she is falling in love AND with more than one guy. Phew. Surely the producers have legally required her to fall in love with no fewer than three men after the disaster that Juan Pablo caused with his lukewarm feelings and jackassery.
Josh and Andi cruise the Mediterranean out to some rock formation with a view that isn’t ugly. Andi shares with us that she is feeling cautious with Josh because she’s been burned by professional athletes she’s dated before. I’m so sure. (Side note: this is the female equivalent of a dude saying, “Yeah, I’ve dated a couple models and actresses before.”) Josh drops in the most obnoxious #humblebrag ever about only being a “second round pick,” and Andi indulges it. Barf. Barf on all of it.
They really bach-ed it up on this date—private boat ride, chatting on a mountain-like formation, dinner at a palace, and a private concert. All that ca$h money they saved by frolicking in a WNBA arena in Connecticut was blown on this one date. To put the cherry on top of this cliche sundae, Andi decides now is the time to talk about Feelings and Past Relationships, in the shallow way only Bachelor contestants know how. She declares today the day she figures Josh out, because a thorough character assessment usually only takes a few hours.
I’ve always found that the most reliable way to know if someone is a shitty person is to simply ask them. Shitheads are notoriously honest about their own shitheadiness. She essentially asks him, he says no, and then they smooch. She knows he isn’t under oath, right? Where is her lawyer windbreaker now? Anyway, case closed?
While Andi and Josh are on their date, a storm is a-brewin’ back at the Bro Chateau. JJ and Nick share with Marquel that they overheard Andrew refer to Marquel and Ron as “blackies” during an earlier rose ceremony. Marquel is understandably upset by this and debates whether or not to confront Andrew. He decides to hold off until after the group date.
Lucky for Marquel, the group date involves miming, which is up there with punching things and screaming into a pillow as an anger relief technique. Les bros continually talk about how bad they are at miming, which is really the only proof point we need that they’re bad mimes. The first rule of miming is that you never talk about miming.
We all know that it’s only a matter of time before they take this act to the streets because: duh. They’re all very nervous because, as Patricks reminds us, “The French take their miming very seriously.” Do they, though? No wonder this show is consistently accused of racism; the producers always attempt to distill other cultures down to one outdated stereotype.
Marquel turns out to be a very talented mime, Cody mimes hitting on a very underage girl , and Nick is a whiny baby because he doesn’t want to mime and wants to be alone with Andi. This is The Bachelorette, Nicholas. Your girlfriend is going to have ten other boyfriends and you will be expected to publicly humiliate yourself. Shut up and nut up.
It’s time for the drinking portion of the date (Andi’s favorite). JJ, the most cheerful pantsapreneur this show has seen, sneaks Andi out for a quick ferris wheel ride and it’s pretty cute. However, things are heating up with the rest of the guys, because Cody just can’t take any more of Nick parading around the house like he’s the frontrunner for Andi’s heart. Nick could not care less that anyone thinks he is kind of a smug dick, probably because he IS a front runner and Mackleroid could not be less of a threat. Nick’s indifference only fuels Cody’s roid rage. And you wouldn’t like Cody when he’s angry…
Cody can barely contain himself when he gets one-on-one time with Andi and starts blabbing about Nick before Andi even sits down. Andi confronts Nick about this, and admits he mocked Cody. Now what? Ugh, do we even care. I need more wine.
Andi wonders to the camera if Nick is just being manipulative by readily owning up to the teasing, which is a fair question and one of the more astute insights a Bachelorette has made on this show. Nick doesn’t let her entertain that thought too long and distracts her with some original writing. It’s the verbal equivalent of “Look! Something shiny!” He reads her a poem (is it a poem?) and Andi slips him some tongue. That’s how every poetry reading I’ve ever attended has ended, too.
Marquel approaches Andrew about the alleged racist comments he made. Andrew nervously laughs and vehemently denies ever saying anything like that. It’s as uncomfortable as you’d expect it to be, and not incredibly productive in the end. Marquel doesn’t push it much further, and handles the whole thing pretty maturely. #MarquelForBachelor
JJ gets the rose on the group date. IS89sfggg09ipofdk0. I’m sorry, I just fell asleep on my keyboard. Let’s move on.
It’s finally time for Brian’s one-on-one date with Andi, after he had nothing but ‘net on the Connecticut group date. Things start off well—they promote a new movie, whose name I already forget, by eating popcorn and cuddling in a quaint French “movie theater.” The best part of this date is Brian trying to stifle his laughter at the flaccid piece of asparagus they show on the screen at one point. I laughed too, Brian. Call me.
Because the people in the movie cooked and fell in love, Andi and Brian have to cook in order to fall in love, too. It’s really that simple. They stroll through the French markets, pick up some sea urchins and frog legs, which are widely accepted as aphrodisiacs, and head back to the kitchen to cook a romantic meal.
During this part of the date, Brian flatlines a bit. He is clearly stressed about cooking this meal, and according to Andi doesn’t sneak in enough kisses or pay enough attention to her. Forgive the guy for not sneaking up behind you for a kiss while you were wielding a butcher’s knife. Also, maybe let Brian be a normal human male who is capable of experiencing a wide range of emotions and thoughts? Not an automatron set to smile, kiss, tell her this journey is incredible, repeat.
Once he’s got a hot meal in him (not the one they cooked, that one tasted like garbage), Brian comes back to life. He relies on his tried-and-true tactic of pulling Andi by the hand to a second location and kissing her. It works. He gets the rose.
Back at base camp, Andi’s hair is full of secrets. She tells Chris Harrison that she doesn’t need a cocktail party. Her mind is made up—she is dropping the guillotine on THREE dudes tonight.
We say goodbye to Patrick (ok, bye, who cares), Andrew (no one will miss you), and Marquel (NO PLEASE), and Cody hangs on for another week. File that under “Things I Don’t Get,” along with how the internet works and why Steve Harvey is famous.
“We got our mime on our money and our money on our mime”,
-B, J, and K