Tag Archives: the bachelorette recap

Season 12, Episode 2: Recap

And just like that, Week Two is in the books. The more I watch this show, the more I feel that episodes two and three are the best of the season. The real wackos are just starting to hoist their freak flags up the flagpole, the frontrunners are posturing for the top spot, and the group dates are still utterly whack competitions where the first place prize is an extra three to five minutes of time with JoJo, along with a side order of humiliation.

The first date consists of the group competing to be crowned Best Firefighter. Normally, I’ll wait until a sixth date or so before I make a guy pass the firefighter physical ability test, but “The Bachelorette” is all about a speedy courtship, even compared to the Duggars. The men are put through a series of grueling physical challenges that they perform as if their actual lives depended on it, not just a brief one-on-one conversation with JoJo. Wells (or three kindergartners sitting on each other’s shoulders?) nearly passes out from heat stroke, earning the season’s first medical attention points.  

As soon as Wells’ blood oxygen level stabilizes, Chief Tracey plucks him to compete against an ex-Army officer and an actual firefighter in the very drills that had incapacitated him moments earlier. He does not win. Grant wins a conversation with JoJo and Luke sulks, kicks his steel-toe cowboy boots into various door frames, and complains in a monotone for the rest of the night. JoJo gives Wells the group date rose to make up for nearly killing him. Wells is self-deprecating, charming, and has All-4-One on a personal retainer. He’s too good for this show.

Next up, Derek and his teeth get the one-on-one date. He and JoJo make a series of decisions about where to go and what to do (which is pretty par for the course in the real world of dating). They conflate their ability to agree on a date activity with a sign that they’re connected on a deep and spiritual level. I couldn’t stop wondering about the producers who had to coordinate the date Derek and JoJo didn’t pick. What a waste of a workday. Derek gets the rose.

The best part of this one-on-one date is when we’re not on it. Back at Bro HQ, Daniel and Chad are sowing the seeds of a beautiful bromance wearing matching black tanktops and abusing literary devices. Chad shares some wisdom with the viewers at home about how women should avoid nice guys (noted — thanks, Chad), and then attempts to diss the other guys with a bizarre, and ultimately unsuccessful, metaphor about the shitty protein shake they would make if you were to blend them. While this powwow is taking place, the rest of the guys are sitting around the pool earnestly rehearsing a song they wrote for JoJo. Somehow, I hate Chaniel less in this segment.

The last date of the episode brings us to ESPN’s LA studio and the men promptly jizz their pants because #SPORTZ. They perform touchdown dances because two TV hosts tell them that’s how they will prove they love JoJo, which makes total sense. The hosts rank the guys and give Chad second place, despite his obvious disinterest in the charade and the fact that he called JoJo “naggy.” Chad really starts to chap Alex’s ass, and Alex begins his crusade to take Chad down. Remember, it’s not the size of the Tiny Alex in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the Tiny Alex. While we’re on the topic, Alex is actually more naggy than JoJo (who literally wasn’t at all) though Chad doesn’t seem to notice.

Underdog James Taylor ends up at the top of the power rankings, disappointing the rest of the group who all worship at the church of ESPN and likely have protein shake on tap in their bachelor pads. He’s seen fire, and he’s seen rain, but he has not seen this show before because guys that act like James Taylor go home (to Carolina in their minds) before episode five. He later reads JoJo some piece of prose that sounds like wedding vows, despite knowing her as well as I got to know the Uber driver who took me to the airport yesterday. (Shout out to Roger! Hope your sister’s recovering from that knee operation.)

Chad is hardly likeable, but he does astutely remind the rest of these guys, who are literally proclaiming their love for JoJo, that they actually don’t know anything about her yet. They do know she’s smokin’ hot though, which I guess is enough.

Unfortunately for Chad, the high point of his week was when he tied that luggage to his waist and did some pull-ups. Alex forms a posse to harass Chad after they learn that he *gasp* had a conversation with JoJo on her way into the party. They start singing, “When you’re a bro, you’re a bro all the way, from your first protein shake, to your last dying day.”

giphy.gif

Chad can’t be bothered. He’s roaming around the house shoving fistfuls of deli meat into his mouth. He can’t be worried about haterz when there’s that much meat in the house. Like a newborn baby, Chad has to eat at very specific intervals or he gets fussy.

In the end we say goodbye to Brandon, James S., and Will. Onto bigger and bro-ier guys this week.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , ,

Season 10, Episode 7: Recap

It’s one week before Andi brings four dudes home to get that warm fuzzy welcome her dad, Hy, showed off last season. Luckies.

Hy

At the start of the week, Chris Harrison stops by the guys’ hotel room in Belgium to chat, and apparently he didn’t get the light scarf memo.

light-scarves

Nick takes Chris’s visit as a cue to mention, again, that he feels good about where he stands with Andi.

The first one-on-one date goes to Marcus.

Andi and Marcus’s date is boring, kind of like this whole show right now. They meander the streets of Ghent and nod their heads at people speaking French at them. In other old news, Marcus is in love with Andi.

Andi busts out the resting duck face/frown of doom while Marcus explains his daddy issues and opens up about tough times with mom too. Okay, I feel bad. Andi whips out her favorite compliment, calling Marcus “a man.” They swap spit near what looks like an old, brick fence.

duck-face

Back at the hotel Josh gets the second one-on-one date.

Later that night, after Andi and Marcus have swapped enough spit to make a baby and said goodbye, Nick goes Bukowski on us and breaks the rules. Dude has had enough of his girl dating other dudes. He heads downstairs and asks the hotel receptionist for a key to his “wife’s hotel room,” never mind these cameras and the reservation you have for the six bros under “The Bachelorette.” But I mean, persistence is flattering, so whatevs. At least he’s giving us something to perk up about.

Andi looks pretty shocked to see Nick at her door. She mentions to the cameras that it feels a bit unfair, but then she goes with it. They go for a walk. Nick gushes. Andi listens. She calls their relationship passionate, so much so that they have to lean up against a tree while they kiss.

The next day Andi basically takes Gaston on the date she planned for Marcus: walking and eating about town, only this time they follow a flock of ducks. When in Ghent.

Josh sums up the date by calling it “literally phenomenal.” Cool it, double rainbow.

Just as I announce that if they have one more dinner in one more castle or other municipal building, I’m gonna fast forward to the blooper reel at the end (my favorite part of this damn show), they enter a damn castle.

Inside Andi is begging with her eyes–and mouth–for Josh to tell her that he loves her. Gaston finally drops the “falling in love with you” bomb and Andi puts on her best surprise face.

surprise

Cut to them dancing for way too long to a country song only they seem happy to be listening to. Good thing I got dis on the DVR. Ba-doop, ba-doop.

The group date is at a ruins site. Dylan attempts to wax poetic saying he hopes his and Andi’s love can withstand the test of time just like…the ruins?

To get to their date destination, the boys jump aboard a rail bike and pedal Andi to an Abbey, where kissing is banned. And Nick didn’t like group dates before!

fake happy gif

It’s too bad too because there’s a bunch of things around to lean up against while making out.

Turns out the abbey also has crafts. Chris and Andi do pottery, if only to fulfill her helps-from-behind pottery man fantasy. I swear they sit down and decide which romcom stuff they’ll incorporate into each season before the show even begins. We’ll do pool lessons early on, horsebacking riding before hometowns, and seal the deal with hot air balloon ride over the grand canyon, straight into a wedding chapel.

Andi’s got a surprise for the group daters. She’s handing out the group date rose halfway through the date and the other guys will be dismissed thereafter. So, Brian changes his game plan after learning that whoever gets the rose on the group date gets to stay and have a mini one-on-one date with Andi. He tells her that’s he’s falling for her.

Then it’s Nick’s turn and he talks more about being certain he’s going to hometowns.

The guys look rull sad and scared when Andi picks up the rose that guarantees the hometown date. Nick gets it and he as happy as the other guys are pii-iissed.

happy baby

As if leaving their archenemy to date their girlfriend isn’t bad enough, Chris, Brian and Dylan squeeze into the back seat of their ride home like three brothers in the back of the station wagon.

backseat

Andi has a fireworks show waiting for Nick.

Then shit goes down at the hotel. The other guys are at their wit’s end with Nick and his strategizing to win pep talks. When Nick gets home they are fired up, but no one says anything for a good while. Brian breaks the awkward silence and then the rest of the brochachos who aren’t Nick chime in. They reveal that Nick’s watched the entire past season to try to figure out the game, which I think gives us the first insight into what Nick behaviors rub these guys the wrong way. So far I’ve thought they were just doing a good job of creating drama out of thin air, like their ABC contract asks of them.

On the final night in Ghent, Nick continues with the jerk moves and interrupts Brian’s one-on-one date with Andi. Brian is too nice about it; he says nothing.

Next up, Nick bawls his eyes out in a confessional about how excited he is to bring Andi home to his friends and family, and it’s official: it’s Bukowski in a Nick suit.

Chris has one more thing to say before the rose ceremony, so he leads her outside, and it turns out it’s his tongue that does the talking.

Then it’s rose ceremony time.

It’s goodbye time for Brian and Dylan and neither of them take it well. All I want to do is hug Brian when he finds out he’s not going any further. Dylan mentions that the show doesn’t lend itself to guys like him that take a little longer to open up. These poor men. Why would anyone sign up for this show?

You all are frontrunners in my eyes,
K, J & B

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Season 10, Episode 6: Recap

Opening scene: Boatload of bros, wearing shirts the color of sherbet, sail into a Venetian harbor. They collectively whoop and holler when they see Piazza San Marco, as if it were a woman who just flashed her sweater puppies at them. A few hundred miles south, the Pope shudders involuntarily and doesn’t know why.

Andi greets them near a canal. They do a long, drawn-out bit in which Andi announces the first date begins NOW, and various contestants begin musing to the camera that it will definitely be Cody’s date because he is the only one who hasn’t gotten a one-on-one yet. I speak fluent Bachelorese, so I understood that this means Cody is totally fucked.

The one-on-one date goes to Nick, and I feel drunk with power and knowledge. Nick flashes a turd-eating grin and pretty much cannonballs into a nearby gondola to play Casanova for Andi. For the first time in this season (but not the last time in this episode), I feel bad for Mackleroid. Andi then helpfully reminds the viewers that this is her journey for love, and not these effing Crayola-hued bros’ journey so everyone can go pound it. I bet she’ll be a total dream to plan a wedding with.

Renee from Juan Pablo’s season interrupts our lovefest to deliver a wooden performance during an infomercial about the benefits of using Suave shampoo. “Wow, Marcus. I wish I had this look on the show,” she montones, reading off a teleprompter with her eyes half-closed.

The boys then do their own infomercial for the glorified Super 8 Motel that they’re staying at in Venice. I believe it’s Josh who says unenthusiastically, “Look at these amenities: the balcony. Look at this view.” The camera pans to a busted rooftop and more hotels. Try harder.

One-On-One Date with Nick

Nick and Andi stroll around Venice and eat pizza in an alley where someone likely peed the night before. They let pigeons land on their heads because they’ve seen movies where other boneheads do that in Italy. They’re rowed around in the gondola. This is my nightmare job: rowing tourists around canals while they attempt to suck each other’s faces off. Pass.

They change into their black-tie formalwear (which one always packs when one travels to Europe) and meet up again. Andi rows up to Nick in a gondola holding up one of those sequined masks. It’s already played out and we’re three seconds into this date. Andi confronts Nick about the House Dramz, re: the other bois hating on him. Andi needs her bae to be liked by everybody. She straight-up asks him, “Do you think you’re the frontrunner?”

He dances around the question with a non-answer, passes the interview, and gets the rose. They don sequined masks and go to a masquerade “ball,” which consists entirely of the two of them.

Andi gets a note from her secret admirer, Chris Bukowski, who’s been riding around in gondolas shouting her name and attempting to track her down so he can introduce her to his good friend, a chloroform-soaked handkerchief. Then Josh, Brian, Dylan, Marcus, JJ, and Chris get the group date, which means Cody will finally get his first one-on-one.

Group Date

The boys visit Castello de Monselice, which Andi’s dad Hy has rented out as an interrogation chamber, a la Gitmo. Andi introduces Tony Soprano and his associate Silvio Dante who will administer a lie detector test. The color drains from most of the dudes’ faces. I’m strangely excited for the first time in many episodes.

Josh panics about all the biddies he’s banged back in his “pro” baseball days and talks strategy about how to beat the lie detector. It’s exactly like watching a panicky employee after being told he’s about to be randomly drug tested. “Dude, pee in this cup for me! Seriously, dude, you have to!”

Dylan reveals that he doesn’t wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom and that he’s slept with more women than he has fingers and toes. I cringed because everyone else’s embarrassing answers seemed to end up on the cutting room floor. C’mon producers, at least spread the humiliation around. Dylan fakes a stomach ache to go back to the hotel so he doesn’t have to see Andi’s reaction to the test results. After he leaves, Tony Soprano delivers the packet o’ lies and she decides she’s going to rip them up. Bo-ring. I wanna know Josh’s number.

They go to dinner and Josh gets super-sketchy and tells Andi how happy he is that she ripped up the lie detector results. He feeds her the same old BS lines (it’s like a Madlib with the words “trust” and “like”) and she calls him on it. Chris the Farmer reveals that he’s the secret admirer who’s been writing her letters but stays mum about the fact that he’s been engaged before. He gets the rose. JJ needlessly freaks out about the potential of going home tomorrow. Foreshadowing.

One-on-One Date with Cody

Andi tries to think of something nice to say about Cody before their one-on-one date in Verona and the best she can come up with is: “His eyes are so green! They pop!” I laughed. Rut roh. He’s like a big, sweet, dumb dog, who’s super enthusiastic but not firing on all cylinders. So of course he gets the date where they have to respond to letters addressed to Juliet. I was genuinely afraid that he wouldn’t be able to read or write. But he proved me wrong; he actually wrote a really sweet response and seemed like a genuine and kind dude under all those sinews and veins.

It was downright cruel watching Cody and Andi’s dinner unfold. Homeboy needs a lesson in body language. Cody’s talking about bringing her home to meet his parents, rolling around with her (?), how she’s going to fall even more in love with him as time goes on…and Andi’s literally crying and not making eye contact. She flips the switch on the electric chair, and Cody leaves on a surprisingly dignified note. I hope he finds a kind woman to guard that puppy dog heart of his.

Even with Cody gone, Andi still has one cut left to make. Since she ripped up the lie detector results, she has no idea that Dylan is walking around with pee-stained hands most of the time, so he makes it through for another week (though we predict it will be his last). In the end, she lets JJ go. It’s probably for the best—now he can spend more time with his pants.

T-minus two weeks til Hometown Dates. Let the Hunger Games begin,

J

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Season 10, Episode 5: Recap

We’re back, everyone, and we’re in Marseille. The bros immediately exhaust their French vocabulary shouting “BONJOUR!” and “MERCI!” as they run through the streets of Marseille. A French date card arrives, and JJ no comprende. Gaston, er, Josh, is the lucky guy to score some one-on-one time with Mademoiselle Andi.

Andi and Gaston

But, first, Chris Harrison interrupts this broadcast for a pointless interview with Andi, during which she confesses that she is falling in love AND with more than one guy. Phew. Surely the producers have legally required her to fall in love with no fewer than three men after the disaster that Juan Pablo caused with his lukewarm feelings and jackassery.

Josh and Andi cruise the Mediterranean out to some rock formation with a view that isn’t ugly. Andi shares with us that she is feeling cautious with Josh because she’s been burned by professional athletes she’s dated before. I’m so sure. (Side note: this is the female equivalent of a dude saying, “Yeah, I’ve dated a couple models and actresses before.”) Josh drops in the most obnoxious #humblebrag ever about only being a “second round pick,” and Andi indulges it. Barf. Barf on all of it.

liz lemon eyeroll

 

They really bach-ed it up on this date—private boat ride, chatting on a mountain-like formation, dinner at a palace, and a private concert. All that ca$h money they saved by frolicking in a WNBA arena in Connecticut was blown on this one date. To put the cherry on top of this cliche sundae, Andi decides now is the time to talk about Feelings and Past Relationships, in the shallow way only Bachelor contestants know how. She declares today the day she figures Josh out, because a thorough character assessment usually only takes a few hours.

I’ve always found that the most reliable way to know if someone is a shitty person is to simply ask them. Shitheads are notoriously honest about their own shitheadiness. She essentially asks him, he says no, and then they smooch. She knows he isn’t under oath, right? Where is her lawyer windbreaker now? Anyway, case closed?

While Andi and Josh are on their date, a storm is a-brewin’ back at the Bro Chateau. JJ and Nick share with Marquel that they overheard Andrew refer to Marquel and Ron as “blackies” during an earlier rose ceremony. Marquel is understandably upset by this and debates whether or not to confront Andrew. He decides to hold off until after the group date.

Lucky for Marquel, the group date involves miming, which is up there with punching things and screaming into a pillow as an anger relief technique. Les bros continually talk about how bad they are at miming, which is really the only proof point we need that they’re bad mimes. The first rule of miming is that you never talk about miming.

We all know that it’s only a matter of time before they take this act to the streets because: duh. They’re all very nervous because, as Patricks reminds us, “The French take their miming very seriously.” Do they, though? No wonder this show is consistently accused of racism; the producers always attempt to distill other cultures down to one outdated stereotype.

Marquel turns out to be a very talented mime, Cody mimes hitting on a very underage girl , and Nick is a whiny baby because he doesn’t want to mime and wants to be alone with Andi. This is The Bachelorette, Nicholas. Your girlfriend is going to have ten other boyfriends and you will be expected to publicly humiliate yourself. Shut up and nut up.

It’s time for the drinking portion of the date (Andi’s favorite). JJ, the most cheerful pantsapreneur this show has seen, sneaks Andi out for a quick ferris wheel ride and it’s pretty cute. However, things are heating up with the rest of the guys, because Cody just can’t take any more of Nick parading around the house like he’s the frontrunner for Andi’s heart. Nick could not care less that anyone thinks he is kind of a smug dick, probably because he IS a front runner and Mackleroid could not be less of a threat. Nick’s indifference only fuels Cody’s roid rage. And you wouldn’t like Cody when he’s angry…

hulk

Cody can barely contain himself when he gets one-on-one time with Andi and starts blabbing about Nick before Andi even sits down. Andi confronts Nick about this, and admits he mocked Cody. Now what? Ugh, do we even care. I need more wine.

Andi wonders to the camera if Nick is just being manipulative by readily owning up to the teasing, which is a fair question and one of the more astute insights a Bachelorette has made on this show. Nick doesn’t let her entertain that thought too long and distracts her with some original writing. It’s the verbal equivalent of “Look! Something shiny!” He reads her a poem (is it a poem?) and Andi slips him some tongue. That’s how every poetry reading I’ve ever attended has ended, too.

Marquel approaches Andrew about the alleged racist comments he made. Andrew nervously laughs and vehemently denies ever saying anything like that. It’s as uncomfortable as you’d expect it to be, and not incredibly productive in the end. Marquel doesn’t push it much further, and handles the whole thing pretty maturely. #MarquelForBachelor

JJ gets the rose on the group date. IS89sfggg09ipofdk0. I’m sorry, I just fell asleep on my keyboard. Let’s move on.

It’s finally time for Brian’s one-on-one date with Andi, after he had nothing but ‘net on the Connecticut group date. Things start off well—they promote a new movie, whose name I already forget, by eating popcorn and cuddling in a quaint French “movie theater.” The best part of this date is Brian trying to stifle his laughter at the flaccid piece of asparagus they show on the screen at one point. I laughed too, Brian. Call me.

Because the people in the movie cooked and fell in love, Andi and Brian have to cook in order to fall in love, too. It’s really that simple. They stroll through the French markets, pick up some sea urchins and frog legs, which are widely accepted as aphrodisiacs, and head back to the kitchen to cook a romantic meal.

During this part of the date, Brian flatlines a bit. He is clearly stressed about cooking this meal, and according to Andi doesn’t sneak in enough kisses or pay enough attention to her. Forgive the guy for not sneaking up behind you for a kiss while you were wielding a butcher’s knife. Also, maybe let Brian be a normal human male who is capable of experiencing a wide range of emotions and thoughts? Not an automatron set to smile, kiss, tell her this journey is incredible, repeat.

Once he’s got a hot meal in him (not the one they cooked, that one tasted like garbage), Brian comes back to life. He relies on his tried-and-true tactic of pulling Andi by the hand to a second location and kissing her. It works. He gets the rose.

Back at base camp, Andi’s hair is full of secrets. She tells Chris Harrison that she doesn’t need a cocktail party. Her mind is made up—she is dropping the guillotine on THREE dudes tonight.

andi hair

We say goodbye to Patrick (ok, bye, who cares), Andrew (no one will miss you), and Marquel (NO PLEASE), and Cody hangs on for another week. File that under “Things I Don’t Get,” along with how the internet works and why Steve Harvey is famous.

“We got our mime on our money and our money on our mime”,
-B, J, and K

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Season 10, Episode 4: Recap

Ready for more? Me neither, but we hold no power in this relationship, so buckle up.

Our big trip this week is to New England, Connecticut specifically, but before you go thinking this Bachelorette is of the laid-back, humble variety just for keeping things stateside thus far, let’s give her a few more episodes.

Dylan (sorry, who?) gets the first one-on-one date this week, and right away it’s clear that this guy is stressed and sad.

Dylan-on-train

 Dylan on the one-on-one date. 

Andi’s planned a date aboard a steam train that winds its way through the New England countryside. You can’t make a date romantic just by calling it that.

Knowing what comes next, I feel bad for saying it, but I’ve seen domesticated cats look more amused at their owners than Andi and Dylan looked on their train ride. If they had any interesting conversation at all, we’re not privy to it. They talk like strangers who got randomly seated next to each other on an empty, old fashioned steam train to Sob Station.

By dinner time, I’m ready to enter the station and deboard. But Andi clearly hasn’t thought through how much time is enough time to spend on a train. At least give the guy a bed and a magazine. In case we all weren’t miserable enough yet, it’s time to talk Painful Memories.

Dylan and Andi sit in the presence of food and talk exes. Then with a bit of prying from the Bach, Dylan finally says what’s been weighing him down. He tells Andi about the unfortunate deaths of both of his siblings. The New Englander basically admits that if Andi’s aim was to force him down heartwrenching memory lane and call it a date, she #nailedit.

nailed-it

Andi feels bad. He gets the rose, and then in an act more likely to earn her the title Best Babysitter Ever than Compassionate Girlfriend Material, Andi distracts Dylan from his sadness by letting him toot the horn. And that’s no innuendo. Her actual end-of-the-date surprise for him is letting him pull the train horn.

The next day, the group daters wander down to the hotel basketball arena, and this trip is starting to remind me of the sorority “retreat” we took to Cape Cod when we never left the hotel. I wonder if Andi also spent an entire semester’s money on one EPIC formal.

On the court, some WNBA rockstars are here to school the boys in bball, and school them they do. Nick says it best, “We are running around like a bunch of infants and they are barely trying.”

Coach-Brian The WBNA players.

the rest of themThe bachelors.

To put some air back in their sails, Coach Andi benches the WNBA starters for the first time in their lives, and the boys break into teams: Rosebuds versus Five of Hearts.

Andi’s alluded to her history of dating former pro athletes before, but it’s clearer than ever that the athlete thing does it for her when the boys start running the court. She is practically orgasming watching them play.

So she turns up the heat a bit and announces that the winning team will spend the rest of the night with her, while the losers go home.

Brian, an actual basketball coach, steps into the spotlight at this point. He makes shot after and shot and I’m fairly sure it results in Andi’s immaculate impregnation. Led by Brian, the Rosebuds win.

In completely expected news, Josh hates losing.

josh mad

Allow us to interrupt this broadcast for just one moment to announce that at this point in our viewing session the one and only pantsapreneur favorited a certain Bachelorette Fantasy blog’s tweet. Dear JJ, the league is fine. Please send pants.

jj favorites tweet

Everyone gets cleaned up and they meet for drinks within the confines of the hotel. The first one-on-one conversation of the night is between Andi and Eric, and Andi is on the attack. Girlfriend’s body language is annoyed and she’s pretty blunt about telling Eric she wants him to open more. I get it though. The surest way to get me to bare my soul is to insist it on loudly. Eric does his best to follow her orders and talks a bit about his struggle leaving his religion, but the tone was already set, and it wasn’t one that ended with a hug or a butt slap.

On a brighter note Brian leads Andi back to where he made all the magic happen earlier in the day. They shoot some hoops just the two of them. Points to him for noticing that sports are Andi’s panty-dropping kryptonite. Then Brian’s entire life peaks when Andi challenges him to half court shot, which he makes without using the backboard and celebrates without coming off like an asshole. Andi practically assumes baby making position at this point, but Brian fails to notice, which, if you’re not her, is pretty endearing.

They head back to the party. Per the use the Bach gets passed around like ragdoll/tallisman. Each man that holds it has a turn at sharing Feelings and Beliefs.

And then, boom, Coach Brian mans up to right the wrong he made post-half court victory a few minutes ago. He walks Andi back to the basketball court and plants on her the kiss that he should’ve earlier. Coach Brian > Pro athletes current and former.

Back at the lounge, Nick has no problem reading Andi’s signs — hello public thigh caress — but Coach Brian gets the group date rose. He calls it better than winning a State Championship, so let’s hope his team isn’t watching.

Date number three and we’re still at the hotel. Marcus doesn’t care until he finds out he’s going on the dumbest date ever. Why two people who both hate heights wouldn’t talk themselves out of rappelling down their hotel and decide instead to use the elevator and then get the fuck off the property for a few hours, I’ll never know.

No

How normal people react to going over a hotel roof. 

They go the rappelling route. Well, at least Marcus does. Andi opts for hanging over the ledge of a hotel rooftop for a while. Then in a moment that reminds me all too much of my parents trying to assemble IKEA furniture together, Marcus “encourages” Andi over the ledge with incessant “lean back” and “look at me” yells. Yeah, because the reason she wasn’t rappelling was because she didn’t know how.

Pivot

In typical Bach fashion she conquers her fear, they kiss mid-adventure sport, and in an unseen twist, they rappel past the guys’ suite, waving as they pass them. How they resisted the urge to smush their faces against the window at them is beyond me.

Later they chat near food. Marcus curses the guy that cheated on Andi, which I suppose is the only way to discuss the last loser that your girl dated. Hey, I mean it gets him the rose.

After dinner they dance for a crowd and to a country singer I don’t know but they seem sufficiently enthused by. Andi’s dance moves aren’t as bad as I remember them, but the duck face she puts on while she dances is hilarious and makes me glad that my dance face will never be on national television. I’ve seen it in pictures and it ain’t cute.

Rose ceremony day kick off with Andi in her hotel room getting a love letter from a secret admirer. Quit it already, Bukowski!

Then the cocktail party starts. The music is weird approaching her one on one time with Marquel so we think something’s up, but it’s a false alarm. In an act of winning self-deprecation, Marquel teaches her some self defense moves in case he’s not always around. #cute. #morecookies.

Then Eric pulls her aside, and I think it’s to open more, but it’s not. Things go downhill fast in their disagreement about who’s being most open and authentic. Without being petty, this is our take on it.

We all fell in love with Andi last season when she verbally whooped Juan Pablo’s ass. This conversation with Eric feels familiar, though Andi’s verbal sparring here seems stubborn and close-minded rather than badass. While Eric could have made his point a little more clearly and delicately, Andi shuts down right away and, in the end, came off like a drama queen. Was Eric’s feedback necessary? No. But did Andi blow it out of proportion? Yes indeedy.

Andi excuses Eric from the show.

Then Chris Harrison arrives like an angel out of a pig pen and not a moment too soon. Given Eric’s unexpected and dramatic exit and his subsequent sudden death, in place of the rose ceremony Chris and Andi chat about Eric, which is nice. Again, our condolences to Eric’s loved ones.

We’re told that Tasos leaves. Aw, Tasos! We’re not worried about you (but maybe lose the earring?).

Now go out and build brain cells, children. We’ll see you in two weeks.

K, B & J

P.S. You can get an email every time we post by entering your email address at the bottom of the page. Did you know we’re also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV, so do as JJ does and follow our Tweets. 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Season 10, Episode 3: Recap

ABC threw a lot of emotions at us this week. Let’s recap (the first part of) them.

We start this week’s two-episode lineup at the Bachelor Mansion, where the bachelors have unanimously (minus Josh, who’s still here) decided on collared short-sleeve shirts. Josh wears a bro tank because douchebag.

The one-on-one date card is for Nick, who looks great in his henley. Me likey. He heads up the coast to meet Andi in Santa Barbara, where they ride their bikes from the wharf along my old running path.

Their date for the day is a mix of beaching, hiking and biking. Zoom in on abs, zoom out on view. They have a fine a time, and Nick seems worth dating. It’s all so normal and nice that I start wondering what brotastic activities are going on back in LA.

Ask and you shall receive. Pan to Andrew and Marcus—two of the more intense lads in the house—who are straight chilling as bros do: shirtless, poolside, and weighing the odds of Nick coming back with a rose. Andrew uses math to figure out Nick has a 50-50 chance. Stick to social media management, Drew Baby.

Back in SB, Andi and Nick are hiking and drinking wine. Amen. Nick admits he’s crushing on Andi, but not in the gangster way, in the middle school way, which makes me feel like his fate is sealed in heartbreak and trust issues post-Bach.

crushing

Dinner time. If we learned anything from last season, it’s that courthouse dinners are the new dinner on a yacht, so Andi and Nick head to the Santa Barbara courthouse for yet another candlelit dinner where neither person ever takes a bite of food.  (How do they continue being so nice to each other without any fuel in them!?)

The highlight of the night is Andi’s chandelier earrings, but Nick also admits that he dated his first girlfriend since he was in the womb. Andi asks how Nick is single. Scarred from his past relationship, yadda yadda. Stick your tongue in her mouth already. He gets the rose and then he does. Huzzah!

The next day, the group date kicks off with a bang at the world’s most romantic date spot: Music Academy of the West. But give ‘em a break, guys. This is the show’s nineteenth season, and there are only so many places you can picnic.

Most of the group is still waking up and adequately unthrilled about showing up at classical music’s mecca. Minus one. Brett is jizzing his pants in excitement already.

Inside, Boyz II Men serenade the group to “I’ll Make Love to You,” and I’m pleased with the guys’ reactions: mostly telling tales of touching their first butt and falling in love with their 7th grade girlfriends to these R&B legends. Marquel gets a little too stoked, calling their balland “one of the most iconic songs in the history of music.” Less rhapsodizing, more cookies, Marquel.

The only way to put what happens next is this: The guys suck at singing. They are so bad. A lot of them know they are bad, but some of them don’t, which is entertaining. At a certain point Boyz II Men gives up on the singing lessons and starts in on swagger best practices.

And with that it’s showtime in front of basically all of Santa Barbara on a stage at the outdoor mall. There’s a lot of weird whisper singing and dance moves that are meant to be sexy. This performance is The Confidence Gap in Boyz II Men impersonation form. If it wasn’t so entertaining I’d wish it would end sooner. Finally it does.

Back at the hotel, each of the best new artists is aching for some time with The Bachelorette. Andi plays that classically hilarious joke on Cody where you tell him you think he has a girlfriend. Ha. Dying. As if someone not on a reality show would date Cody!

Before the group date is over, Marcus is in need of some tongue STAT, so he makes some moves on an outdoor couch. I hate when people announce imminent kisses, but Andi plays it off well and gives Marcus the kiss he probably used voodoo dolls to make happen. Anyone else getting an obsessive, Bukowski vibe from him? He’s like the rosy-cheeked boyfriend they introduce in the first 10 minutes of a “Law and Order” episode. You just know he’s the fucking murderer.

crazy-eyes

Next up is Josh and his baby scarf. He too gets a kiss, during which he moans and tells Andi he wants to kiss her everyday. Ick. But Andi is totally falling for his “game,” and for that I want to whack her upside the head. I can’t stand this brochacho. A few episodes ago, she said was done “going for” professional sports players, and here she is going for the professional sports player. It gets worse.

Andi, who looks a bit tipsy and walk-of-shame-y post makeout with Josh, gives the rose to him, and suddenly me and Marcus are on the same page: piii-iiissed. I’m lecturing my TV on the reasons not to date bros/former athletes/guys whose necks turn scarves into thick bowties, and Marcus assures America that what Josh and Andi have is nothing on what he has with her.

Sun down, sun up. It’s the final date of the week, and it goes to JJ, the—let’s call a spade a spade—tailor/sweatshop manager. It’s his first one-on-one date, and he wears the first date garment of champions: pants of one color with pockets of another. But not for long.

Further proof that The Bach is scraping the bottom of the barrel for date ideas, JJ and Andi transform into old people. For their date. At this rate next season’s best dates are going to be cleaning the Bachelorette Mansion pool and watching the producer’s kids.

Undeniable, however, is the talent that goes into turning them into an old couple. JJ’s newly created bald head is gag worthy. This date also marks the first time wrinkles have ever appeared on the Bachelorette.

In their geriatric garb, they hit the town via scooter. They make fools of themselves in the park, playing catch, giving/getting piggyback rides, and tour basically all of the benches in Santa Barbara County. It’s all very Johnny Knoxville.

Later they have dinner on a couch, which proves my relationship has still got it. JJ talks about his goofballness and how because of it he fears he’ll end up alone. I heart goofballs, so I ate this shit up. So did Andi. He gets the rose.

In real-life sad news, Ron excuses himself from the show after learning of a friend passing.

At the start of the cocktail party, Andi is sad for Ron and thanks the guys for taking time away from their outside lives to be there with her. They actually did that.

Cue musical couches. Aaaaand cue flower delivery from Nick, which arrive during Andi’s one-on-one time with Eric and begs the question why no one has ever done this before. Andi beams as SHE READS THE ENTIRE LETTER IN FRONT OF ERIC. Come on, girl! As soon as you know who it’s from, bookmark that shit for later.

A few more things happen before the rose ceremony.

JJ and Josh team up in the driveway to brew some drama. They decide to approach Andrew about a number he supposedly bragged about getting from a hostess. Realistically, it was the curbside delivery girl at a Chili’s. The most interesting thing about this to me is that the bachelors left the house at some point. I always wondered what they did.

Anyway, JJ and Josh approach Andrew to chat about whether he’s there for the right reasons. Andrews tactic is to deny, deny, deny, and then hide underneath the table. Just kidding. He runs to his room and slams the door.

run-away

Meantime, Marcus and Andi make out in a bush and he gives her a note. He even uses the L word, saying “he’s moving toward love,” which means he’s already in love with her and he knows he can’t say it yet. I’m so sure.

Finally it’s rose ceremony time. Patrick is sweating, probably thinking about life without Andrew since the phone number drama came out. Who will he talk F1 with? But his worries are unfounded.

Brett/Haircut and Bradley say their final goodbyes. Brett’s sad, but not as sad as Bradley who sheds some dinosaur tears over the realization that he “loves to love and loves to be loved.” Ay carumba.

Bach Fantasy out,
K, J & B

P.S. If you like email, sign up for ours. You can get an email every time we post by entering your email address at the bottom of the page.

P.P.S. Did you know we’re also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time.

Tagged , , , ,

Season 11, Episode 1: Recap

Houston, this is Bach Fantasy. We have bros.

Season 19 starts like all other seasons: montage after montage of the bachelorette doing the look-away. Looking away at work, looking away at home. Hey, there she is looking away at a store! It’s no secret that ABC has this Bach thing down to a formula.

We’re first treated to a “Law and Order” montage of Andi in her billowing DA-windbreaker, peeking in people’s backyards and IDing graffiti as gang activity. She poses and preens in front of a stack of books.

I think the producers are very keen to show that this Bachelorette is “one of us” as opposed to the psychopath they let take a dump on America’s heart last season. Cut to another montage of Andi and her sister giggling and trying on dresses to get ready for this season. Andi: “I could be engaged by summer! Craaaaazy.” Yes, that sounds like someone who is emotionally ready to make a lifelong commitment.

Finally, it’s time for limo introductions. Most of the men seemed like caricatures of real people. Also, it would really help me for scoring purposes if they introduced the men in alphabetical order. Every single dude this season looks like he could be named Chris.

Andi seems to have a thing for tall, dark, and handsome men, including Marcus and Josh M. She repeatedly mentions how cute they are. The Bach Fantasy at-home player should heed these asides.

Cody the Brody “pushes” the limo up the driveway. He’s the Atlas of bro-dom. Cannot believe he got a rose.

Atlas

Photo Credit: Singing With Light via Compfight cc

I fell in love with Marquel. And then he showered her with milk and cookies later. In his bio, his perfect date is “making cookies and watching Netflix.” Dang, Marquel, the only two times America has seen you, you’ve mentioned cookies. How are you still single?

Rudie tries to win her over by playing his attorney card, but Andi deemed his evidence inadmissable.

Emil tells Andi that his name is basically “anal” with an M, which I bet is a defensive little tactic he’s been using since grade school. When you have a name that sounds like a poop chute, you gotta get ahead of the joke. Lets the bullies know you’re in on it.

Brett the hair stylist/Hamburglar is not straight. Just saying. They give him the creepy Bachelor music when he exits the limo, which means he’ll expire in one of the next two episodes but he’ll at least be entertaining in the meantime.

Craig decides to relive his glory days in Zeta Beta Tau and pops his finest bottle of Andre to supersoak the driveway and the rear windshield of the limo. You know that limo driver was like, “Fuck, come onnnn, dude.”

Nick S., the professional golfer, made sure Andi knew he was a professional golfer by arriving in a Professional Golf Cart. We get it. You’re rich. He wasn’t even paying attention to Andi until she mentioned, “I’ve got a little swing.” Dude went six to midnight.

There was also a brigade of long-haired dudes, including Dr. Jason. We found a childhood photo of him.

Kirsten

And Mike the bartender, who gave a wooden and forgettable performance as Man Who Pretended to Meet Andi in a Bar.

Watching the scenes with Eric is heart-breaking. He’s so sweet and seems like a genuinely good person.

Suddenly, Chris Bukowski from Emily’s season, who has made his career out of debasing himself on ABC’s various reality TV shows, is lurking in the driveway, hoping for a chance to meet Andi. Chris Harrison springs into turbo cock-blocking mode, clearly relishing in this drama. This is why Harrison gets out of bed in the morning.

Andi’s face is priceless when Chris tells her who’s in the driveway and she accidentally reveals that she never watched the show before applying to be on it.. She has no fucking clue who this dude is.

Bukowski admits that he didn’t know when they were filming so he’s been lurking around the Bachelor mansion for SEVEN DAYS. I mean. Alarm bells.

Also, what on earth was he doing for seven days? Hanging in the bushes? Roaming the block? Did he pack snacks? Was he wearing his suit the whole time? And finally, what idiot thinks that a woman he has never met in person is going to be charmed by him trespassing and hunching in the bushes, waiting for a camera crew to roll up?

Back at the cocktail party, Andi plays musical suit jackets while each guy makes his case to earn a rose. She eats some cookies, the bros bro out, and, disappointingly, no one gets too drunk and embarrasses himself.

Andi swoops in to pick up the first impression rose, and every dude salivates with his eyes trained on the rose, waiting to see where she is going with it. Nick V. is the lucky recipient, and he seems sincerely and adorably surprised.

Then it’s rose ceremony time. I always get a little nervous at the first ceremony, imagining how it’s possible to even remember the names of the guys I liked, let alone the entire pack. How these bachelors and bachelorettes don’t just point and wink at the good ones and moo at the bad ones, I’ll never know.

Bros stay and bros leave, and with that we’re under way. Our bachelorette is one step closer to marrying a dude with whom she’ll have spent 24 combined hours.

Hand over the rose cookies and no one gets hurt.
J, B & K

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
Advertisements