Tag Archives: Andi

Season 10, Episode 4: Recap

Ready for more? Me neither, but we hold no power in this relationship, so buckle up.

Our big trip this week is to New England, Connecticut specifically, but before you go thinking this Bachelorette is of the laid-back, humble variety just for keeping things stateside thus far, let’s give her a few more episodes.

Dylan (sorry, who?) gets the first one-on-one date this week, and right away it’s clear that this guy is stressed and sad.

Dylan-on-train

 Dylan on the one-on-one date. 

Andi’s planned a date aboard a steam train that winds its way through the New England countryside. You can’t make a date romantic just by calling it that.

Knowing what comes next, I feel bad for saying it, but I’ve seen domesticated cats look more amused at their owners than Andi and Dylan looked on their train ride. If they had any interesting conversation at all, we’re not privy to it. They talk like strangers who got randomly seated next to each other on an empty, old fashioned steam train to Sob Station.

By dinner time, I’m ready to enter the station and deboard. But Andi clearly hasn’t thought through how much time is enough time to spend on a train. At least give the guy a bed and a magazine. In case we all weren’t miserable enough yet, it’s time to talk Painful Memories.

Dylan and Andi sit in the presence of food and talk exes. Then with a bit of prying from the Bach, Dylan finally says what’s been weighing him down. He tells Andi about the unfortunate deaths of both of his siblings. The New Englander basically admits that if Andi’s aim was to force him down heartwrenching memory lane and call it a date, she #nailedit.

nailed-it

Andi feels bad. He gets the rose, and then in an act more likely to earn her the title Best Babysitter Ever than Compassionate Girlfriend Material, Andi distracts Dylan from his sadness by letting him toot the horn. And that’s no innuendo. Her actual end-of-the-date surprise for him is letting him pull the train horn.

The next day, the group daters wander down to the hotel basketball arena, and this trip is starting to remind me of the sorority “retreat” we took to Cape Cod when we never left the hotel. I wonder if Andi also spent an entire semester’s money on one EPIC formal.

On the court, some WNBA rockstars are here to school the boys in bball, and school them they do. Nick says it best, “We are running around like a bunch of infants and they are barely trying.”

Coach-Brian The WBNA players.

the rest of themThe bachelors.

To put some air back in their sails, Coach Andi benches the WNBA starters for the first time in their lives, and the boys break into teams: Rosebuds versus Five of Hearts.

Andi’s alluded to her history of dating former pro athletes before, but it’s clearer than ever that the athlete thing does it for her when the boys start running the court. She is practically orgasming watching them play.

So she turns up the heat a bit and announces that the winning team will spend the rest of the night with her, while the losers go home.

Brian, an actual basketball coach, steps into the spotlight at this point. He makes shot after and shot and I’m fairly sure it results in Andi’s immaculate impregnation. Led by Brian, the Rosebuds win.

In completely expected news, Josh hates losing.

josh mad

Allow us to interrupt this broadcast for just one moment to announce that at this point in our viewing session the one and only pantsapreneur favorited a certain Bachelorette Fantasy blog’s tweet. Dear JJ, the league is fine. Please send pants.

jj favorites tweet

Everyone gets cleaned up and they meet for drinks within the confines of the hotel. The first one-on-one conversation of the night is between Andi and Eric, and Andi is on the attack. Girlfriend’s body language is annoyed and she’s pretty blunt about telling Eric she wants him to open more. I get it though. The surest way to get me to bare my soul is to insist it on loudly. Eric does his best to follow her orders and talks a bit about his struggle leaving his religion, but the tone was already set, and it wasn’t one that ended with a hug or a butt slap.

On a brighter note Brian leads Andi back to where he made all the magic happen earlier in the day. They shoot some hoops just the two of them. Points to him for noticing that sports are Andi’s panty-dropping kryptonite. Then Brian’s entire life peaks when Andi challenges him to half court shot, which he makes without using the backboard and celebrates without coming off like an asshole. Andi practically assumes baby making position at this point, but Brian fails to notice, which, if you’re not her, is pretty endearing.

They head back to the party. Per the use the Bach gets passed around like ragdoll/tallisman. Each man that holds it has a turn at sharing Feelings and Beliefs.

And then, boom, Coach Brian mans up to right the wrong he made post-half court victory a few minutes ago. He walks Andi back to the basketball court and plants on her the kiss that he should’ve earlier. Coach Brian > Pro athletes current and former.

Back at the lounge, Nick has no problem reading Andi’s signs — hello public thigh caress — but Coach Brian gets the group date rose. He calls it better than winning a State Championship, so let’s hope his team isn’t watching.

Date number three and we’re still at the hotel. Marcus doesn’t care until he finds out he’s going on the dumbest date ever. Why two people who both hate heights wouldn’t talk themselves out of rappelling down their hotel and decide instead to use the elevator and then get the fuck off the property for a few hours, I’ll never know.

No

How normal people react to going over a hotel roof. 

They go the rappelling route. Well, at least Marcus does. Andi opts for hanging over the ledge of a hotel rooftop for a while. Then in a moment that reminds me all too much of my parents trying to assemble IKEA furniture together, Marcus “encourages” Andi over the ledge with incessant “lean back” and “look at me” yells. Yeah, because the reason she wasn’t rappelling was because she didn’t know how.

Pivot

In typical Bach fashion she conquers her fear, they kiss mid-adventure sport, and in an unseen twist, they rappel past the guys’ suite, waving as they pass them. How they resisted the urge to smush their faces against the window at them is beyond me.

Later they chat near food. Marcus curses the guy that cheated on Andi, which I suppose is the only way to discuss the last loser that your girl dated. Hey, I mean it gets him the rose.

After dinner they dance for a crowd and to a country singer I don’t know but they seem sufficiently enthused by. Andi’s dance moves aren’t as bad as I remember them, but the duck face she puts on while she dances is hilarious and makes me glad that my dance face will never be on national television. I’ve seen it in pictures and it ain’t cute.

Rose ceremony day kick off with Andi in her hotel room getting a love letter from a secret admirer. Quit it already, Bukowski!

Then the cocktail party starts. The music is weird approaching her one on one time with Marquel so we think something’s up, but it’s a false alarm. In an act of winning self-deprecation, Marquel teaches her some self defense moves in case he’s not always around. #cute. #morecookies.

Then Eric pulls her aside, and I think it’s to open more, but it’s not. Things go downhill fast in their disagreement about who’s being most open and authentic. Without being petty, this is our take on it.

We all fell in love with Andi last season when she verbally whooped Juan Pablo’s ass. This conversation with Eric feels familiar, though Andi’s verbal sparring here seems stubborn and close-minded rather than badass. While Eric could have made his point a little more clearly and delicately, Andi shuts down right away and, in the end, came off like a drama queen. Was Eric’s feedback necessary? No. But did Andi blow it out of proportion? Yes indeedy.

Andi excuses Eric from the show.

Then Chris Harrison arrives like an angel out of a pig pen and not a moment too soon. Given Eric’s unexpected and dramatic exit and his subsequent sudden death, in place of the rose ceremony Chris and Andi chat about Eric, which is nice. Again, our condolences to Eric’s loved ones.

We’re told that Tasos leaves. Aw, Tasos! We’re not worried about you (but maybe lose the earring?).

Now go out and build brain cells, children. We’ll see you in two weeks.

K, B & J

P.S. You can get an email every time we post by entering your email address at the bottom of the page. Did you know we’re also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV, so do as JJ does and follow our Tweets. 

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Season 11, Episode 1: Recap

Houston, this is Bach Fantasy. We have bros.

Season 19 starts like all other seasons: montage after montage of the bachelorette doing the look-away. Looking away at work, looking away at home. Hey, there she is looking away at a store! It’s no secret that ABC has this Bach thing down to a formula.

We’re first treated to a “Law and Order” montage of Andi in her billowing DA-windbreaker, peeking in people’s backyards and IDing graffiti as gang activity. She poses and preens in front of a stack of books.

I think the producers are very keen to show that this Bachelorette is “one of us” as opposed to the psychopath they let take a dump on America’s heart last season. Cut to another montage of Andi and her sister giggling and trying on dresses to get ready for this season. Andi: “I could be engaged by summer! Craaaaazy.” Yes, that sounds like someone who is emotionally ready to make a lifelong commitment.

Finally, it’s time for limo introductions. Most of the men seemed like caricatures of real people. Also, it would really help me for scoring purposes if they introduced the men in alphabetical order. Every single dude this season looks like he could be named Chris.

Andi seems to have a thing for tall, dark, and handsome men, including Marcus and Josh M. She repeatedly mentions how cute they are. The Bach Fantasy at-home player should heed these asides.

Cody the Brody “pushes” the limo up the driveway. He’s the Atlas of bro-dom. Cannot believe he got a rose.

Atlas

Photo Credit: Singing With Light via Compfight cc

I fell in love with Marquel. And then he showered her with milk and cookies later. In his bio, his perfect date is “making cookies and watching Netflix.” Dang, Marquel, the only two times America has seen you, you’ve mentioned cookies. How are you still single?

Rudie tries to win her over by playing his attorney card, but Andi deemed his evidence inadmissable.

Emil tells Andi that his name is basically “anal” with an M, which I bet is a defensive little tactic he’s been using since grade school. When you have a name that sounds like a poop chute, you gotta get ahead of the joke. Lets the bullies know you’re in on it.

Brett the hair stylist/Hamburglar is not straight. Just saying. They give him the creepy Bachelor music when he exits the limo, which means he’ll expire in one of the next two episodes but he’ll at least be entertaining in the meantime.

Craig decides to relive his glory days in Zeta Beta Tau and pops his finest bottle of Andre to supersoak the driveway and the rear windshield of the limo. You know that limo driver was like, “Fuck, come onnnn, dude.”

Nick S., the professional golfer, made sure Andi knew he was a professional golfer by arriving in a Professional Golf Cart. We get it. You’re rich. He wasn’t even paying attention to Andi until she mentioned, “I’ve got a little swing.” Dude went six to midnight.

There was also a brigade of long-haired dudes, including Dr. Jason. We found a childhood photo of him.

Kirsten

And Mike the bartender, who gave a wooden and forgettable performance as Man Who Pretended to Meet Andi in a Bar.

Watching the scenes with Eric is heart-breaking. He’s so sweet and seems like a genuinely good person.

Suddenly, Chris Bukowski from Emily’s season, who has made his career out of debasing himself on ABC’s various reality TV shows, is lurking in the driveway, hoping for a chance to meet Andi. Chris Harrison springs into turbo cock-blocking mode, clearly relishing in this drama. This is why Harrison gets out of bed in the morning.

Andi’s face is priceless when Chris tells her who’s in the driveway and she accidentally reveals that she never watched the show before applying to be on it.. She has no fucking clue who this dude is.

Bukowski admits that he didn’t know when they were filming so he’s been lurking around the Bachelor mansion for SEVEN DAYS. I mean. Alarm bells.

Also, what on earth was he doing for seven days? Hanging in the bushes? Roaming the block? Did he pack snacks? Was he wearing his suit the whole time? And finally, what idiot thinks that a woman he has never met in person is going to be charmed by him trespassing and hunching in the bushes, waiting for a camera crew to roll up?

Back at the cocktail party, Andi plays musical suit jackets while each guy makes his case to earn a rose. She eats some cookies, the bros bro out, and, disappointingly, no one gets too drunk and embarrasses himself.

Andi swoops in to pick up the first impression rose, and every dude salivates with his eyes trained on the rose, waiting to see where she is going with it. Nick V. is the lucky recipient, and he seems sincerely and adorably surprised.

Then it’s rose ceremony time. I always get a little nervous at the first ceremony, imagining how it’s possible to even remember the names of the guys I liked, let alone the entire pack. How these bachelors and bachelorettes don’t just point and wink at the good ones and moo at the bad ones, I’ll never know.

Bros stay and bros leave, and with that we’re under way. Our bachelorette is one step closer to marrying a dude with whom she’ll have spent 24 combined hours.

Hand over the rose cookies and no one gets hurt.
J, B & K

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Welcome to “The Bachelorette” Fantasy League, Season 11

So you want to create a fantasy league for Andi’s season? You’ve come to the right place.

We’ll do all the grunt work and score each episode for you. Read on for instructions on how to draft, how we score, and how to find out if you’re kicking everyone’s butts.

How It Works

1) Recruit a group of “Bachelorette”-loving friends. One of you should be the League Commissioner, the go-to person for all things Bach Fantasy.

2) Figure out the best way for your league to draft contestants (read more on that below) and submit your contestant picks to your league commissioner.

3) Watch the “Bachelorette” every Monday night, beginning May 19.

4) Visit this blog every Tuesday morning to see how each of your contestants scored. The league commissioner should add up the point totals for each team in order to figure out the weekly rankings.

The Draft

You have a few options when it comes to drafting your team of five contestants.

1) Live draft in person

Gather up your nearest and dearest, DVR “The Bachelorette,” and watch the show up through the last limo introductions. At this point, pause the show. Have each player draft their 5 contestants on a piece of paper and turn them into the commissioner.

2) Virtual live draft

So your teammates all live in different time zones, eh? We feel your pain, as we’re all spread across the continent too. For this to work, everyone should watch the show in his or her respective homes. Pause after limo introductions, before the real shenanigans begin. Email your appointed league commissioner with your five contestants.

3) Pre-show draft, based on contestants’ bios

Read through the contestants’ bios. It’s a treasure trove. Select your five players and email your league commissioner.

Points Categories

You’ll be rewarded for drafting bold contestants but more so for drafting contestants who go the distance. Points are divided into Phrases, Actions, and Roses.

We’re still looking for a write-in points category suggestion, so please leave us a comment if you’ve got a great idea for a points category.

Phrases 

  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Talking about his kid (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Talking about an ex-fiance or ex-wife (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Andi or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Andi (30 points)
  • Telling Andi that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (30 points)

Actions

  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Bonus: using the phrase “steal Andi away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Dancing at a concert (5 points)
  • Singing/playing an instrument for Andi (5 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelor/ette a gift (5 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Must be sitting on the ground
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Kissing Andi on the lips (10 points)
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Must actually see moisture fall
  • Having a secret girlfriend at home (25 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
    • Only for nudity; having your mouth blurred for profanity doesn’t count
  • Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
  • Drafting the next Bachelor on your team (40 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Roses

  • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points, only available first night)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Refusing the Fantasy Suite (-75 points)
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

Scoring

We’ll score each episode for you and post each contestant’s scores every Tuesday morning. Be sure to check back every Tuesday to see how your teams are stacking up against one another! We’ll also be posting an episode recap for those of you can’t get enough Bach.

Will you be joining us this season? Let us know your league or individual team name in the comments!

P.S. We’d love it if you signed up to get an email every time we post! You’re swell.

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