Bach Fantasy

Alright guys, one last episode. We can do this. Deep breath.

Meet the Parents

We’re still in the Dominican Republic, and the Dorfmans are here to assess Andi’s boyfriends.

Nick is up first. Hy cracks his knuckles and sits back, waiting for the first joker his daughter is bringing in for appraisal.

Nick is visibly nervous, and is probably ducking off camera every few minutes to mop excess ass sweat.He gets his shit together during his conversation with Andi’s mom, Patti, and wins her over by gushing about all the things he loves about Andi. He says the right things, she doesn’t ask too many tough questions, we all refill our wine glasses.

It’s Hy’s turn next, and I am giddy with anticipation. Nick repeats his speech on Why He Loves Andi and finds the cajones to ask Hy for his blessing. Ultimately, Hy doesn’t give him an especially hard time. Let’s remember, the last guy Hy met on national TV was Juan Pablo, a borderline sociopath. Nick is a god damn prince compared to JP. He gets the thumbs up to get down on one knee, and Nick leaves to go wring out his boxers.

Josh shows up, flashing all 400 of his teeth and chattering away. Hy picks up on his nervousness and just laughs and laughs. In that moment, all is right. Andi’s sister and brother in law prime Josh for his interrogation with Hy with some standard questions. I don’t remember his answers, because I was too busy deciding what I thought about Andi’s sister’s turtle tattoo.

Josh, too, wants Hy’s blessing. He says all the things he’s supposed to say and Hy gives him a somewhat tepid endorsement, reminding him that Andi’s “yes” is really the one he needs. I imagine that is how my dad would react to someone asking for his blessing to marry me. Basically “IDGAF what you ask her, she knows whether this is a good idea or not.” Josh makes it to the next round in the playoffs though, so he’s stoked.

The Dates

This is the finale, so we get two helpings of Josh and Nick tonight.

Josh and Andi are on a boat, likely because the Dominican Republic has requested that they stay the fuck away from the locals, lest they degrade their culture and traditions more. No biggie, these guys can do their favorite activities (talking in vague cliches about how much they like each other and frenching) anywhere.

They move this date to the couch and Josh has a gift for Andi. She unwraps an Andi Murray baseball card. It’s a pretty bold move to attach your last name to a girl who has not yet told you she loves you, but you don’t get screen time by playing it safe. To be honest, I thought the baseball card was kind of a cute idea, but I have to wonder how many other Atlanta biddies have been given personalized baseball cards by Josh. Regardless, Andi eats it up.

Andi tucks the baseball card under her pillow and gets ready for her date with Nick. They “offroad” to a remote beach-like spot, and get right to removing their clothes. I’m sure they talked about their feelings and shit, but all I could focus on was Nick’s Ken doll torso. There literally is not one hair on it. Guys, I can’t stop thinking about it.

Nick, a beach ball, and a boombox

Nick and Andi put their shirts back on and get cozy on the couch. Nick makes a fifteen minute long, nonsensical toast to set a sexy tone for the night. I don’t remember what they talked about, because all I remember was the gift Nick gave to Andi. As a sign of his love for her, Nick gives Andi a necklace, with a small vial of sand AND A SHARK TOOTH on it.

I just…no. I can’t. Of all the things that could have been my breaking point with this show, I really didn’t expect it to be this. I remember being in the Bahamas with my family when I was 9, seeing those necklaces for sale at the touristy market we were at, and thinking “Thanks, but no thanks, I’ll just get my island cornrows done and be on my way.” Frankly, it was generous of Andi not to just dump Nick right there on the spot. Girl actually put that necklace on and forced a smile. Respect.

A new day is upon us, and shit’s about to get “real.” Neil Lane, the poor guy, shows up with a case of his most gigantic jewels for Josh to paw through. Josh picks a whopper for Andi, and sends Neil on his way to Nick…

…or not. Nick, expecting Neil Lane, opens the door to a very anxious looking Andi. This is obviously going nowhere good. Nick’s ass promptly begins sweating. Andi says a lot, but the gist of it is “I’m dumping you.” It was a humane move on Andi’s part to put an end to this before Nick picked out a ring and attempted to get down on one knee. Nick is obviously blindsided by this, but has no choice but to pack his stuff and get on a plane home.

The End

This makes the last ten minutes of the show rather anticlimactic, but we’ve already committed what feels like hundreds of hours to this show, so what’s another ten minutes. Josh steps out of the limo and he’s wearing a suit from the toddler’s section and it’s hilarious. This suit is working hard. I didn’t listen to most of Josh’s proposal, because I had my eye trained on that button, waiting for it to bust open and clip Andi in the head.

Josh launches into a speech that’s basically a rom-com cliche madlib. Andi finally tells Josh everything he’s been waiting to hear. They hold hands and rock back and forth, play the “No, I love YOU more” game, and I pantomime barfing through the whole thing.

And that’s all, folks. Andi’s got a big ol’ rock on her finger, Josh’s job title now reads “Former Reality Show Doofus,” and Bukowski is busy looking for a new girl to stalk.

Thanks for playing along this season with us! We’ll see you back here for the next season of The Bachelor.

Speaking of…who are you hoping to see as the next Bachelor? Tell us in the comments!

We kick off the fantasy suites by Andi walking us through what she likes and doesn’t like about each contestant, as if we have not watched this show for the past 8 weeks.

She calls Josh one of the most handsome men she’s ever seen: tall, sexy, with olive skin, and piercing blue eyes. “He’s got that personality that every woman is attracted to,” she says, proving why we need the feminist movement.

With Chris, she harps on and on about his manly farmer-ness and how “cute” he is, so this is how we know he’s going home tonight.

Nick’s One-on-One Time

Nick and Andi board a helicopter and go to a private island off the coast of the Dominican Republic. “This crystal clear beautiful blue water is just beautiful,” she informs the at-home viewer. So poetic. It’s like I’m there.  

Nick answers questions about his former engagement, saying that he was essentially in a depression for six months after his fiance called the wedding off. Andi loves that he’s opening up about his past, so to celebrate, they go snorkeling and wreak havoc on the ecosystem, like a pair of finned godzillas. As my fiance yelled at the TV, “You’re not supposed to touch the coral, ya fucks!”

Her scarf-loving suitor then reads a book to Andi, and it’s a fairy-tale version of the season so far. I would’ve personally preferred a medley of Frozen songs. “Do you wanna build a marriagggge?”

They head off to the fantasy suite to Let It Go, if you catch my drift, but not before taking a quick detour to drape themselves against a palm tree and whisper, “I love you.”  

Josh’s One-on-One Time

The following day, Josh and Andi explore Santo Domingo and he recites the one line of high school Spanish he remembers when he sees Andi: “Hola! Que bonita!” They see a merengue band and they jump in to dance goofily to the music. Wouldn’t it be exhausting to be on this show? You have to be constantly Up For Anything, because the moment you let the facade slip, you’re probably going home for lack of enthusiasm. It’s like a two-month-long job interview, but with blue balls.

Andi then surprises him with an outing to a baseball diamond where a bunch of little leaguers are playing. Not pictured on camera: Josh in the dug-out, psyching himself up for the game and alternating between hysterical sobs and slapping himself repeatedly in the face, “COME ON, YOU CAN DO THIS, JOSH! THIS IS WHY DADDY LOVES AARON MORE!”

Josh says, “It means a lot to me that she pays attention to the things I enjoy.” Well, Josh, you’re about as one-dimensional as it gets; your love (or fear…?) of baseball is essentially the only thing we know about you. We didn’t have to pay close attention to learn that because you remind us of it in every. single. conversation. He’s as subtle as a prostitute in a saloon.

Josh is drunk with power as he pitches against fifth-graders because he can finally dominate the field. He mocks tackling the 11-year-old catcher at home plate, and I’m pretty sure that was take two. They can’t show the original take, because that first catcher is in the ICU of a hospital in Santo Domingo.

It’s only a game, Focker.

Hopped on endorphins and HGH, Josh tells Andi he loves her and informs the viewers at home that he’s “beyond love!” We’re so sure.

Josh inquires Andi about what kind of a mom she will be. She says she’ll let her kids get away with stuff. Well, if these two end up together, those kids are gonna need some leeway. Because we already know what kind of a dad Josh will be. The scariest fucking dad ever. The dad who gets booted from his son’s Little League game for putting the ump in a chokehold.

They go back to the fantasy suites where Josh undoubtedly turns himself on by reenacting his highlight reel from the baseball game earlier.

Chris’ One-on-One Time

It’s time for Chris’ date. They’re on a gorgeous tropical island in the Caribbean and they manage to find the few squares of farmland, somewhere in the middle. that look like Iowa. Can’t the farmer catch a break? They go horseback riding and Andi reveals she’s terrified of horses, which bodes well for her future farm life.  

Next, they play a half-assed game of hide-and-seek, and Chris and Andi have less chemistry than most cousins do.

She lets Chris go, pulling down her pants and shitting all over his home state in the process. “It’s not you…it’s Iowa!” That’s a lot of smack talk for someone from Georgia, just saying.

Andi then blubbers on and on about how it’s actually not Iowa, it IS him, which is a real nice way to kick him when he’s down. Poor Chris just sits there and listens to her explain that she is just not that into him no less than five times. He is a real sweetheart about the whole thing and leaves with dignity, which is more than a lot of these bozos can say.

Now tell us, should we score the Men Tell All? 

It’s not you, it’s Iowa but also you,

J, B, and K

This week we took a tour of the hometowns of the last bros standing. Moms plead their cases, sisters asked questions, brothers bonded, and dads were there…right? Let’s recap how each meet-the-parents date went.

Nick’s Hometown

First up, Nick is here to show us around Milwaukee. They wander through the Public Market and sample some local food. Any date that involves abundant food samples is A-okay in my book. They decided to get a little liquored up at a local brewery before meeting Nick’s family. Nick convinced the brewery to create a custom beer (or at least a custom tap…) in their honor: “Nick and Andi – The Perfect Brew.” The secret ingredient in this magic recipe? Fermented scarf fibers.

They head out to meet Nick’s family in Wauke$ha, WI. Am I the only one who didn’t know that Nick had one thousand siblings before tonight’s episode? They were one guitar away from becoming the Von Trapps. The Head Sister, Maria, questions both Nick and Andi with fairly predictable, though fair questions. Maria seems pretty smart and levelheaded, which means this is likely her first and last appearance on “The Bachelorette.”

The baby of the family steps up to cross-examine Andi. Bella asks, “What’s your favorite thing about my brother?” Andi replies, “We have a really good mental connection.” The eight year old has no idea what the fuck she’s talking about. I’m sorry, Andi, but the answer we were looking for is “He has a Razor scooter.” Bella proves to be a pretty useless investigator, as she forgets all of the questions she asked, but does succeed in being adorable.

Mom’s up next. Nick declares his love for Andi to his mom, who is supportive and wants him to be happy. She’s the first of four moms who seem unconcerned by the fact that Andi has three other boyfriends. Come on, moms. Do better.

Chris’s Hometown

Gas up the tractor, y’all, because we’re headed to Bumblefuck, IA to get a glimpse into Chris’s life. But really, Andi and Chris are actually going to ride a tractor. After a thrilling ride, they pick a nice patch of hay to sit on while they chat. Andi leads with a very reasonable question: What would she do for work here? Chris suggests that Andi, who is, at most, four years out of law school, be a homemaker. Andi doesn’t bite. Then Chris dangles the carrot of nearby Cedar Rapids, the glitzy metropolis just 60 miles away. Andi…still doesn’t bite.

Just in time to distract Andi from things that are actually important, the plane Chris hired flies by dragging a “Chris loves Andi” banner behind it. Homemaker, schomemaker. Suddenly Andi starts to think she could get used to this hay patch.

It’s family time now, and if you’re not wearing a statement necklace, you’re not getting a seat at this table. Chris’s family is pretty adorable. They playfully tease Chris and are generally cheerful. During their woman-to-woman chat, Mama offers to babysit Chris and Andi’s future children and they walk back to the group holding hands. Basically, they’re besties.

The night ends with some good ol’ fashioned fun. The grown ups all head outside to play Ghost in the Graveyard, not acknowledging the fact that the camera and lighting equipment following each of them make “hiding” a joke . SOMEHOW Andi finds Chris and they make out behind something metal. If you’re playing grownup hide and seek and don’t seize the opportunity to tongue your boo, you’re doing it wrong. Despite the large role that hay played in their day, Andi leaves Iowa looking pretty smitten.

Josh’s Hometown

We’re going to Trampa, FL next and I hope you brought your cleats. First stop is a baseball field. Wait, Josh plays baseball?!?! Josh pitches while Andi hits. She breaks a bat and Josh feels threatened, so he quickly puts an end to game time. While they’re chatting in the dugout, Josh drops in that he hasn’t played baseball in seven years, which begs the question: what the shit have you been doing for the past seven years? Wiping Aaron’s butt? Surely there is a statute of limitations on how long you qualify as a former something. By Josh’s logic, my LinkedIn profile could describe me as a “Fomer Girl Scout” or “Former Braces Wearer.”

Next on The Bachelorette SportsCenter, it’s the Aaron Murray Show. Josh’s brother, Aaron, is a current college football player and has been preparing for the NFL draft, so STFU about your quest for eternal love, Josh. Josh is the most likeable he’s been all season when he’s greeted by his dog. That dog loves on him hard, and it’s basically the only attention Josh is going to get all day.

But, let’s not forget why we’re all here: to learn about how Andi feels about Aaron’s football career. Josh’s dad asks if Andi is ready to become a card-carrying member of the Aaron Murray fan club and come to games every Sunday. “Yes,” Andi lies.

Later it’s time for all the pretty people to play touch football. The whole thing is only a few pairs of madras shorts away from a Ralph Lauren ad.

Marcus’s Hometown

Last but not least (except, spoiler alert, he is the least), we begin our tour of Dallas in Marcus’s Mercedes, because of course. Someone write that license plate number down, because if Andi goes missing at the end of this episode, we know whose trunk to check.

Marcus drives Andi past a lot of things that might actually be interesting to see from outside of a car, in order to take her to a dark lounge in the middle of the day. Who doesn’t love a surprise, one-on-one striptease while the sun is still out? Marcus reprises his sailor striptease, and I am simply not drunk enough to watch Marcus strut around in his panties for a second time this season.

Marcus puts his clothes back on and takes Andi back to meet his family. While talking to Marcus’s sister, Andi admits that she worries that she won’t catch up to Marcus’s rather, um, intense feelings. Given that it took Marcus about five minutes to declare Andi the love of his life, that’s fair.

Back to LA

With that, the hometown dates are over and back to LA we go. The men all show up to Chris Harrison’s house and the mood is quiet and uncomfortable as they wait for Andi. Once she arrives, Chris tells them that Eric Hill was in an accident and passed away. I guess it’s my fault for expecting ABC to take the high road, but it feels so disrespectful to Eric and the actual relationships that those on the show had with him to film their reactions like this.

Understandably, the mood for the remainder of the episode is somber, and Andi struggles to hold it together. The three roses go to Josh, Chris, and Nick, leaving Marcus to regret that second striptease in a major way.
Pack your sexiest scarf, it’s fantasy suite time,

-B, J, K