Tag Archives: bachelorette episode recap

Season 12, Episodes 3 and 4: Recap

It’s going to be a doozy of a recap because we have four hours of Bachelorette to cap. Like Evan scraping the bottom of the pool with his schnoz, let’s dive in.

Chase and JoJo go on a one-on-one date at a yoga studio, in which the sole purpose is to embarrass them. Listen, betches, we do yoga regularly. That wasn’t yoga. Have you ever made out with someone in yoga? I have, but I’ve been asked not to return to that studio anymore. What do you think Chase was thinking about while they were yib-yabbing to avoid pitching a tent in his yoga shorts?

Chase is hot and seems nice enough, so he gets the rose. In about 20 minutes we’ll have moved on to bigger and better Chads, forgetting all about Chase.

The group date consists of each of the men telling a funny sex anecdote in front of a studio audience. Grant’s story about losing his virginity in a park and being busted by the cops was adorable. Wells pantomimed ripping ass in a major way, and I donno, I fell in love a little bit. Lots of men told stories about being walked in on mid-coitus. Coitus interruptus, if you will [high five gif]. Evan’s story about roid rage (and how Chad has it) was kinda lame and he was totally prodded by the producers to say it. Chad rips Evan’s shirt while he’s en route back to his seat, and then punches a door backstage, proving definitively that he is on steroids, so maybe Evan was just performing a public service.

Chad, fresh off his rage blackout, goes up onstage last and tries to make a speech — not about his sexual past, but rather his future. He goes in to kiss JoJo and she gives him the cheek. It’s an amazing burn.  

Back at the mansion, no one feels safe with Chad roaming the property, doing pull-ups on furniture and wolfing down meat — so the producers hire a Rent-a-Cop to do laps around the pool with a stern look on his face. Great. Instead of alleviating the Chad problem, I now have another man’s safety to fear for. Run while you can, Rent-a-Cop!

Finally, Evan decides Chad’s aggression is so serious that it’s time to tell Dad. So he stops Chris Harrison and does just that. Chris pulls Chad aside to confront him about his threats of violence and encourages him to use his words. Chad returns to the house to angrily not apologize, and Chris Harrison wipes sweat from his brow, having worked the most he will all season.

Episode 4 opens up with a pool party instead of a cocktail party. Evan thinks he’s competing in the X Games of synchronized swimming and manages to emerge from his swan dive with a bloody nose. I’m embarrassed.

The rose ceremony sees Ali, Christian, and Nick B. heading home. Guess JoJo heard Chad’s earlier warning about staying the eff away from nice guys.

Moody Luke gets the first one on one date. JoJo arranges for a posse of sled dogs to pull their Go-Kart through the woods to a clearing with a hot tub. Apparently this is a wood burning hot tub or some shit, so first they have to chop wood to make it hot. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Do I have to do everything?

They wrap things up by ignoring the meal in front of them and then shamelessly making out in front of Generic Country Band and their audience, claiming to the camera that they’re so into each other, they don’t even notice the crowd of screaming people taking photos of them.

On the football date, the crew heads to the Steelers stadium, where alleged rapist Ben Roethlisberger is tossing around the pigskin. JoJo asks him for dating advice, which is like asking Subway Jared to help you choose a babysitter. Between the chronic concussions and its wife-beating professional players, the NFL has a serious PR problem. So whose idea was it to call up Big Ben for a cameo on “The Bachelorette,” whose audience is primarily female? Roger Goodell, call us before you do literally anything else. Like don’t even order lunch without running it past us. The NFL is such a dumpster fire right now.

James Taylor cracks an eyebrow open and rebuffs the medic’s suggestion that he go get stitches — because if there’s anything more important than not having a facial scar for the rest of your life, it’s winning a game of five-on-five touch football on a reality show.

Alex and Chad get the two-on-one date, proving once again that there is a God and he/she wants us to be happy. When that duo choppered up the river en route to the date, all I could think of was this scene from Apocalypse Now. They go on a hike and each take the opportunity to bust out their provided hatchets and hack away at some innocent plantlife because #testosterone. Whose idea was it give Chad a hatchet, btw? I just did a full-body shudder thinking about the fact that Chad likely owns guns back at home.  

JoJo hikes off-camera with a gaggle of producers and begs them to allow her to give Chad a Viking funeral. Oh, sure, they say. Get rid of Chad, they say. They high-five and laugh maniacally behind JoJo’s back as she boots Chad into the river and leaps into Alex’s arms.

Cut to the next scene. We see Chad hiking through the forest at twilight, Blair Witch Project-style. He’s not going home. He’s whistling to himself and strolling somewhere, muttering about having to “get Alex.”

Finally, he reaches the Bachelor mansion where the dudes are celebrating Chad’s departure. PREMATURELY CELEBRATING, mind you. Our villain won’t go down without a fight. He places both hands on the glass window and slides them down. Several men in the house scream. I screamed.

I actually said aloud, “God, this is good TV.” I doff my cap to the Bachelorette producers.

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Season 11, Episode 8: Highlight Reel

There are officially no rules left on this show. How many episodes are left? Whose families are we meeting? Are we ever going to see another rose ceremony or is Shawn going to murder-suicide the whole cast in a jealous rage and shut this thing down for good? I don’t have any of those answers for you. I do have a roundup of some of our favorite moments from episode eight though. Have at it.

Highlights from Episode 8:

  1. Shawn’s tomato face when Kaitlyn dropped the sex bomb on him. Shawn felt like the belle of the ball when Kaitlyn kicked everyone else off their group date and awarded him with some one-on-one time. He had no idea that he was about to have the wind knocked out of his sails in a big way, courtesy of Nick’s wiener.
  2. Shawn referring to Nick as “the other guy.” Grow up. He’s not Voldemort and jealousy ain’t cute.
  3. Ben H. being a motherfucking dreamboat. On their one-on-one date, Ben admits that he fears that he isn’t lovable. That is crazy talk, because I’m pretty sure I love him. Also, I wanna get familiar with his bathing suit parts, if you catch my drift.
  4. 3f391d11256cb849745667609ff6e76eJoe’s silent tantrum after Kaitlyn broke his little cowboy heart. I have to assume that there was more to their relationship than what we saw on camera, because by my estimation they spent a total of 6 1/2 minutes together and he claimed he was IN LOVE with her. Not falling. IN LOVE. We didn’t even get a limo exit interview…
  5. leslie-knope-tantrum-oThe return of Nick’s hairless chest. After Kaitlyn and Nick took a trip to Pound Town, we were treated to some morning after footage of them eating breakfast meats and pawing at each other.

What was your favorite moment from this week’s episode? Do you think Joe is still sulking somewhere in Ireland? What type of murder weapon do you think Shawn brought to Nick’s room? Sound off in the comments!

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Season 10, Episode 2: Recap

I had no idea that this season would offer two love stories for the price of one—Andi and a dude still TBD, and Craig and Josh. Though Craig self-destructed before he could get his happily ever after with Josh, Andi is still hopeful that her husband is in the Bachelorette Mansion.

The first date card shows up at the mansion, and Eric is the lucky recipient of the season’s first one-on-one date. They drive a convertible to the beach, build sandcastles, do backflips, and then board a helicopter bound for the top of Bear Mountain. Isn’t this the Southern California motto: swim in the morning and ski in the afternoon?

They’re greeted by Olympic snowboarder Louie Vito, who could not be less enthused about being a part of this date. Except for when he got to couple skate with Andi. Hey Louie, leave some room for Jesus, buddy. Eric, however, is ready to step up and guide Andi down the mountain. Dude’s good at everything. They snowboard, sled, and sip hot chocolate, and it is adorable. Eric seems like a truly sweet, passionate, and genuinely great guy, and it’s really heartbreaking to watch their date knowing that he tragically passes away after filming the show.

Back at the Bro Headquarters, the group date card comes and warns the men they’re going to have to “bare their souls.” One man pipes up and asks how “bare” is spelled, and I am impressed that he knew there was more than one spelling.

The bros roll up to Hollywood Men, which prides itself on being the only “upscale, fully choreographed show for ladies in the Los Angeles area.” (Their website is now stored in my work computer’s browser history). In other words, “Magic Mike: The Bachelor Edition” is going down. The men are raising money for “Bachelor Gives Back” which then, according to Andi, gives the money to “charities.” I mean, if half-naked MackleRoid here was raising money for YOUR charity, you’d probably ask to be anonymous too.

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The men are divided into three groups: cowboys, soldiers, and firemen—except for Marcus and Nick S. who are singled out as stripping soloists. Nick S. drew the short straw and got stuck with the robot costume, while Marcus dressed (and then undressed) as a sailor. The men learn some “choreography,” oil up their abs, and Craig stuffs his briefs with a washcloth. All in a day’s work, folks.

To their credit, most of the guys handle the whole situation with a pretty good sense of humor. Craig, however, slowly but surely loses his shit. He begins to unravel after seeing Josh in his skivvies. At first it seems like he is intimated by Josh’s manhood, but it quickly becomes apparent that Craig is actually harboring some serious lust for Josh’s aforementioned manhood. He comments, through a crazed smile, that Josh is the “total package” and steals glances his way throughout the entire striptease. I mean, do you, Craig, but maybe The Bachelorette is not the show for you. More on Craig later…

Marcus loses a bit of his smarmy swag when forced onto the strip stage.He does his best to, ahem, rise to the occasion, and caps off his performance with a Michael Jackson inspired breakdance-esque move.

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Unfortunately, Marcus’ whole performance was half-hearted, like that time my homegirl Britney Spears staged her comeback two years too early at the VMAs. You’ll get ‘em next time, BS.

Gimme gimme more, gimme more...uppers. I'm so tired.

Gimme gimme more, gimme more…uppers. I’m so tired.

At the cocktail party later that night, the men seem relieved to be fully clothed and ready to unwind with a cocktail, or in Craig’s case, ten cocktails. Lowered inhibitions were the last thing Craig needed, and he spends the night slurring about Josh’s abs and swimming in his clothes. He’s every dude you went to college with, is he not? I half-expected him to start chanting “PIKE! PIKE! PIKE!” and challenge Andi to see who could shotgun a beer faster. He shoved one of the pledges in the kitchen and dude, he’s totally gonna get the house put on probation by the campus Greek council if he doesn’t cool it already.

Josh uses his one-on-one time with Andi to insist that he isn’t your typical former pro-athlete. At what point will Josh realize that it would be a lot easier to look past those stereotypes if he a) stops bringing it up and b) offers up what he is currently doing for a living? If he is looking for a new career, he could probably make it down in Disney World playing Gaston, signing autographs for little girls by day and creeping on Cinderella by night.

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Andi was not impressed with the bro times happening in the pool and the producers take Craig home to sleep it off. Wish we could’ve seen him in the van professing his love to the producers (“You’re like, the coolest, dude! The COOLEST! *Burp*) and binge-eating fistfuls of cool ranch Doritos in his room. Marcus seizes the opportunity to swoop in and charm Andi. She dug it and gave Marcus and his inner-thigh muscles the rose.

It’s Chris’s turn for a one-on-one date and he doesn’t stop sweating for the rest of the episode. He shows up to the racetrack in head to toe pastels and is greeted by Andi, who looks lovely and retro in a Derby-ready outfit. She leads Chris to a room with a clothes buffet so he can change out of his v-neck and flip flops.

After only a few minutes in the VIP suite at the racetrack, some actors playing “Elderly Couple in Love” question Andi and Chris about their “relationship” and share some nuggets of wisdom. This sets the stage for all the lovebirds to make some cliché analogies about love, such as likening choosing a spouse to “betting on the right horse.” I’m not much of a gambler, but I’d hope that one would might approach those two things differently.

The rest of the date checks off all the boxes—a chat about Feelings, a private concert by a no-name band, some making out, a rose, etc. It’s all fairly vanilla.

Back at the mansion it’s almost rose ceremony time, and the dudes are chomping at the bit for one last desperate chance to win Andi over. Craig shows up in a three piece suit with a guitar in tow, Haircut puts on a puppet show, Marquel swings and misses with a bold attempt at pattern mixing, and the opera singer…is still here? (Seriously, who else already forgot about him?)

In the end, there’s only room for sixteen brochachos. Craig gave it all he had, but the apology song he wrote wasn’t enough for Andi. It’s not clear whether it was the robot costume or his participation in Craig’s drunken shenanigans, but Nick S. is sent packing, too. Also, someone named Carl goes home? That’s the most hipster firefighter I’ve ever seen. He was putting out fires before you even knew what fires were.

Next week, we’re treated to two back-to-back episodes, because Chris Harrison hates you and wants you to lose your job and neglect your personal life.

We’d put a dollar in every single one of your G-strings,

B, K, and J

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address at the bottom of the page. Did you know we’re also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time.

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