Season 19: Episode 4 Recap

Chris may have been relieved of one Ashley this week, but he isn’t safe yet. How much longer will the producers force Chris to keep Ashley I. around, subjecting him to her make out attacks and all-around Stage 5 Clinger behavior? I’m sure she packed enough Princess Dresses for all ten weeks, but I think she’s got another two episodes max. Hers is an exit I can’t. wait. for.

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Let’s all take a mini-journey of our own, and revisit the most bonkers moments of episode four.

The Five Best Moments That Earned Points

  1. Jade’s Cinderella-themed date, which was the most appropriate (if trite) movie plug ABC has ever pulled off in the history of the show. Remember when it was The Lone Ranger during Desiree’s season? More Americans saw the 30-second clip of Des watching The Lone Ranger on “The Bachelor” than actually saw The Lone Ranger.
  2. Ashley S. planted a juicy one on Chris after whisper-seducing him with that most flirtatious of lines, “What are you? What are you?” Way to take one for the viewing audience, Chris. Purell those lips, bro.
  3. Ashley S. also swooped in with the very first “I love you” of the season. She was just an alien, standing in front of a human male, asking him to love her (and get her back to her home planet).
  4. Kaitlyn ditched her bottoms for an impromptu daytime skinny-dip session on the group camping date. It was less “sexy skinny dipping” and more “hanging a full moon.”
  5. Jillian snoozed in the pool with her kibbles and bits hanging out, per usual. Let’s start the grassroots campaign now: Jillian’s Black Box for the next Bachelorette.

The Five Best Moments That Didn’t Earn Points

  1. Next year, we’re adding the category “Mentions his/her virginity.” Gotta be worth at least 10 to 15 points. And a negative 25 points every time a fully grown-ass woman refers to herself as “innocent.”
  2. When Jillian forgot she wasn’t in the locker room at the local CrossFit and asked Chris if he’d rather bang a stinky hobo with a “bird in her hair, the whole nine” or abstain from sex for five years.
  3. The Bachelor producers went meta for the second group date and made the women physically compete in an obstacle course race while wearing wedding dresses. There were so many layers to that date that somewhere, a grad student is framing her women’s studies thesis paper around it.
  4. Jealousy is pretty par for the course on this show. But Ashley I. took it to the next level when she became so obsessed the princess date she wasn’t invited on, that she got ready for it anyway and paraded around in the house in her rhinestone and desperation encrusted gown.
  5. The moment Becca casually mentioned that she was also a virgin, but a virgin who plays it supes cool. Consider Ashley I.’s thunder stolen. THIS HOUSE AIN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR TWO VIRGINS.

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Wildcard points: first woman to tell Chris that this is “harder than she expected” next episode gets 15 points

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4 thoughts on “Season 19: Episode 4 Recap

  1. Adam says:

    That was a really enjoyable read. Top marks. The kangaroo slated me too… I was disappointed we didn’t get a more demonstrative Ashley after having to process that Becca is a virgin too. Still,
    Ashley I is everything these producers are looking for…ripe for exploitation. “Ashley, maybe you should put on the princess dress and pretend you’re going on the date,” suggested a production assistant.
    She’s not 26… This is clearly like a Jennifer garner 13 going on 30 scenario.

    • Bach Fantasy says:

      Thank you, Adam! We have really high hopes for a virgin face-off next week. And you’re SPOT ON about the 13 Going on 30 reference. This must be Ashley I.’s first couple of weeks as an adult woman. Only reasonable explanation. We’ll check out that vid, thanks for sharing!

  2. Adam says:

    *slayed.

    Playtime’s over!

    PS: Here’s a short film starring Britt Nilsson you may enjoy:

    • Colleen says:

      I don’t know what made me more uncomfortable, this video or the love guru date last night. It’s a good thing I suffer from RBF and don’t have to worry about creepy guys following me home from coffee shops :)

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