Tag Archives: the bachelor episode recap

Season 20, Episode 7: Recap

This week had us heading to the bustling metropolis of Warsaw, Indiana (population: 14,042).

I never understand why some seasons of “The Bachelor” have seemingly unlimited budgets (grand tours of Europe, expensive dates spent dangling from the sides of tall structures) and other seasons seem to be funded directly out of my own checking account. We’ve had too many lackluster dates this season in terribly boring places. In this episode, one date is LITERALLY standing in a field near a barn and flying a kite, then rowing a rickety old pile of firewood around a pond for a couple of laps. If I paid money for this movie, I’d ask for a refund.

Isn’t the whole non-ironic point of “The Bachelor” to be escapist? It’s hard to indulge in the fantasy of finding love in a six-week whirlwind romance when the dates are the kind that I went on in college, where the single goal was: “How can I spend the LEAST amount of money possible and still have a marginally enjoyable time?” Just kidding, I didn’t go on any dates in college.

We’re treated to a montage of Ben driving around his all-American hometown in a vintage red pick-up truck. This is the stuff Ted Cruz’s wet dreams are made of. They act like Ben still lives in Warsaw even though he took the first train outta that one-stoplight town the moment he turned 18.

Remember, the Bachelor always needs a shtick. Chris Soules: Farmer Joe. Juan Pablo: Latin American sex god with the interior of a philandering, middle-aged real estate developer. Ben: 1950s-esque All-American Quarterback from Small Town USA. Basically, Ben grew up tall, and he grew up right, with them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights.

While the ladies wait on a nearby dock, Ben is shown cruising across the lake at a sensible speed in a giant pontoon, like a geriatric James Bond. Caila, who has moved 17 times but apparently never near a lake, attempts to stop the boat with her biceps and is nearly knocked off the dock in the process. We were thisclose to medical attention points.

Lauren B. gets the first frugal date, which consists of Ben driving her ass around town in a pick-up and waving at the people he could not wait to move far, far away from. While riding, he points out his high school and Lauren B. asks him what position he played on the football team. He could NOT contain his smile when he answered, “Quarterback” and I donno, maybe at that moment, I bought into this Small Town USA fantasy too.

Lauren and Ben shoot hoops and play recess games with local chickadees. After they kiss, one kid says to the camera, “Lauren and Ben did the smushy smushy.”

Do-not-think-it-means

Ronny, the Half-Court King of Warsaw came down from his castle to dunk a half-court shot and the coach LOST HIS MIND. Then Ben, former local quarterback, calls in some favors and the Indiana Pacers come through the door—several men with either the first name or the surname George. Lauren says she can really appreciate the Pacers because she used to play basketball.

Jennifer-Lawrence-ok-thumbs-up.gif

Ben and JoJo go to Wrigley Field on the next one-on-one. As a Chicagoan, I’m annoyed that this corn-fed Hoosier boy is claiming WRIGLEY FLIPPIN’ FIELD as part of his “Special Places in his Hometown” Grand Tour. Wrigley is 128 miles from Warsaw.

JoJo is chattering away on the pitcher’s mound. Ben steps up to the plate and is like, “Seriously, just shut up for a second, lady” and he tries to block her from his line of vision. He says this has been a dream of his for 26 years and he wants to pretend she’s not here.

JoJo has potential as the next bachelorette, non? She has a good amount of personality and sass (I think).

Everyone’s pissed on the group date. Caila, Amanda, and Becca accompany Ben to a random field, where the frugal date is: flying a kite. I’d be like, “Seriously, fuck this, I’ll be in the limo scrolling through Instagram if you need me.”

Caila expresses a fear about not having Deep Roots because her family has moved 17 (!!!) times throughout her life. She makes a weird metaphor about being a moss who wants to find a tree to stick to? She’s just a moss-girl, standing in front of a tree-man, asking him to let her grow on him.

Becca isn’t really digging the show anymore. She liked it better when Farmer Chris was basically begging her to love him. She asks Ben not to blindside her. Spoiler alert: Ben blindsides her.

The group date rose goes to Amanda so she is rewarded with extra one-on-one time. She can barely conceal her disappointment when the evening’s date is revealed to be…SERVING MCDONALD’S IN A DRIVE-THRU. It’s such a thinly veiled promotion for McDonald’s new all-day breakfast menu. Here’s your future in Warsaw, Amanda: being the prettiest girl at the drive-thru window. I feel like The Bachelor really sold its soul down the river for this product placement.  

Amanda and Ben then stroll through a carnival, which has since been ruined for me because I read an article that stated the Bach producers set the carnival up solely for the show. They apparently charged these townies $25 a pop to get in and ogle at the mere presence of two people who have lived outside of Warsaw, Indiana.

The last one-on-one date goes to Emily, and their cheap-ass date is literally just meeting Ben’s parents, which is next door to where the girls are staying. Because yeah, the girl you want to bring home to meet Ma and Pa is the 23-year-old aspiring NFL cheerleader/identical twin from Las Vegas. Ill-advised, Benjamin. Mrs. Higgins actually wept at the prospect of Emily becoming her daughter-in-law.

When Ben lets Emily go, all the girls burst into tears on the couch, hugging her and crying together. Clearly she was a house favorite. She certainly seems like the funnest girl on your dorm floor. Probably not ready to enter a legally binding lifelong contract, though. 

In the end, we say goodbye to Becca too. Better luck next season, Becs.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Season 19, Episode 6: Recap

Can somebody explain to us what exactly was the intended date activity in the Badlands (besides death stares and backstabbing)? Did they plan to just roll around on the bed that somebody airlifted from the set of Faith Hill’s “Breathe” music video?

The Five Best Moments That Earned Points

  1. Ashley I.’s crying face. It’s exactly like a toddler having a tantrum in the candy aisle.
  2. Kelsey’s self-diagnosed “panic attack.” We WebMD-ed her symptoms just to check. Turns out the medical diagnosis here is “Manipulative Temper Tantrum.”
  3. Britt dancing with Chris at the Big & Rich concert, while hearing the song “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” for what was clearly the first time. Did she not have ears in 2004?
  4. The most awkward helicopter ride in Bachelor history. Kelsey tried very hard to impress Chris and Ashley I. (who like, totally has a Master’s degree too, okay?!?!) by reciting the president’s faces on Mt. Rushmore. Calm down, Wikipedia.
  5. Kaitlyn spitting out some country rhymez on the group date. Leave it to our girl Kait to shut a date down, flip it, and reverse it.

The Five Best Moments That Didn’t Earn Points

  1. When Chris choppered off solo into the sunset, leaving Kelsey and Ashley I. alone in the Badlands.you-can-walk-home
  2. Jade’s awkward run down the streets of Deadwood with Big (or was it Rich?) in order to unlock her songwriting potential. You know that cameraman was like, “Slow down, fuckers.”
  3. Kelsey’s ice-cold, laser staredown at Ashley I. when she returned to the canopy bed in the Badlands (sidebar: Canopy Bed in the Badlands would make a great band name. I call it. Mine.).
  4. Chris, returning to the group date with Britt, offering a lukewarm non-apology for being a teensy bit insensitive to his other girlfriends while on the date, and then peacing the eff out of there. Screen Shot 2015-02-15 at 4.04.56 PM
  5. Chris’s adorable schoolgirl giggle, which was out in full force during his one-on-one with Becca. Some peeps on Twitter seemed creeped out by it. I found it oddly endearing.

Wildcard points for tonight: 25 points to the first lady who says, “I really need this one-on-one date” (or similar).

Get ready for two back-to-back episodes this week!

You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Season 19: Episode 4 Recap

Chris may have been relieved of one Ashley this week, but he isn’t safe yet. How much longer will the producers force Chris to keep Ashley I. around, subjecting him to her make out attacks and all-around Stage 5 Clinger behavior? I’m sure she packed enough Princess Dresses for all ten weeks, but I think she’s got another two episodes max. Hers is an exit I can’t. wait. for.

Screen Shot 2015-01-31 at 12.47.29 PM

Let’s all take a mini-journey of our own, and revisit the most bonkers moments of episode four.

The Five Best Moments That Earned Points

  1. Jade’s Cinderella-themed date, which was the most appropriate (if trite) movie plug ABC has ever pulled off in the history of the show. Remember when it was The Lone Ranger during Desiree’s season? More Americans saw the 30-second clip of Des watching The Lone Ranger on “The Bachelor” than actually saw The Lone Ranger.
  2. Ashley S. planted a juicy one on Chris after whisper-seducing him with that most flirtatious of lines, “What are you? What are you?” Way to take one for the viewing audience, Chris. Purell those lips, bro.
  3. Ashley S. also swooped in with the very first “I love you” of the season. She was just an alien, standing in front of a human male, asking him to love her (and get her back to her home planet).
  4. Kaitlyn ditched her bottoms for an impromptu daytime skinny-dip session on the group camping date. It was less “sexy skinny dipping” and more “hanging a full moon.”
  5. Jillian snoozed in the pool with her kibbles and bits hanging out, per usual. Let’s start the grassroots campaign now: Jillian’s Black Box for the next Bachelorette.

The Five Best Moments That Didn’t Earn Points

  1. Next year, we’re adding the category “Mentions his/her virginity.” Gotta be worth at least 10 to 15 points. And a negative 25 points every time a fully grown-ass woman refers to herself as “innocent.”
  2. When Jillian forgot she wasn’t in the locker room at the local CrossFit and asked Chris if he’d rather bang a stinky hobo with a “bird in her hair, the whole nine” or abstain from sex for five years.
  3. The Bachelor producers went meta for the second group date and made the women physically compete in an obstacle course race while wearing wedding dresses. There were so many layers to that date that somewhere, a grad student is framing her women’s studies thesis paper around it.
  4. Jealousy is pretty par for the course on this show. But Ashley I. took it to the next level when she became so obsessed the princess date she wasn’t invited on, that she got ready for it anyway and paraded around in the house in her rhinestone and desperation encrusted gown.
  5. The moment Becca casually mentioned that she was also a virgin, but a virgin who plays it supes cool. Consider Ashley I.’s thunder stolen. THIS HOUSE AIN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR TWO VIRGINS.

play_times_over_kangaroo

Wildcard points: first woman to tell Chris that this is “harder than she expected” next episode gets 15 points

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Season 19, Episode 2: Recap

The show opens with Kimberly begging for a chance to come back on the show. I’ve never seen anyone beg to come back after the first epsiode. Chick’s got cojones. Chris relents. The Originals and the Others handle this calmly and maturely. Just kidding, they all throw tantrums.

Chris Harrison meets with our Bachelor to discuss the cocktail party, and he asks Chris if he remembers anything about last night, proving everyone is hammered on this show.

While the first group date gets underway, we see Jillian and Meg traipsing around Chris’s house. They commit some light B&E, and Jillian’s lower half is blurred throughout the entire segment. Megan dons Chris’s motorcycle helmet and rams it into stainless steel refrigerator, exposed brick, and a wooden wall. This is a simple statement of fact.

Back at the ranch, Juelia reveals she’s a single mother and a widow because her husband killed himself. Highs and lows, this episode, I tell ya.

First Group Date

Chris and his posse show up at a weird, corporate office to attend a pool party. After the obligatory chicken-fight, the gaggle of ladies walk around downtown L.A. and hop on idling tractors to compete in a race—in their bikinis. Just like in Iowa! High marks for authenticity.

Some poor intern spent his entire afternoon schlepping in bales of hay so the group can have a picnic in the middle of the boulevard. This is why L.A. traffic is so awful—random reality shows filming on your freeway ramps.

Mackenzie gets the one-on-one time after the group date and turns up the charm with classic 1-2 punch: “Did you ever have an earring?” and “I like guys with big noses!”

I think when you’re 21 years old and you’re repeatedly told you’re cute your whole life, you think you can say whatever you want and people will just coo over you. Then you turn 30 and realize what an awful, hot little shit you were back then. She’ll get there, you guys.

She asks him if he believes in aliens, seemingly out of the blue. Chris doesn’t have an answer, so he flips the tables around and is like, “Do YOU believe in aliens?”

And what I find inexplicably bizarre is that Mackenzie just shrugs her shoulders and says, “I donno.”

Dude, if you’re going to bring up aliens on the first date, you’d better have a well-developed stance on aliens. She talks about her son a lot. It’s boring.

Fun fact: Mackenzie was 6 when Chris graduated school. She could almost be Chris’s Kale.

Back at the BachMansion, Megan gets the one-on-one date and doesn’t even realize it. She thinks it’s a love note. Her elevator doesn’t quite reach the top floor.

Megan’s One-on-One Date

They take off in a chopper over the Grand Canyon. It’s very Bachelor. We take another dip on the emotional rollercoaster when Megan reveals that her dad died just a few weeks before she came on the show.

That story took the wind outta my snarky sails. Moving on.

Second Group Date

The limo pulls up to a haunted house parking lot and zombies attack the car. The girls freak out and try to make themselves apparate. Amber quickly becomes our favorite by ripping a shot of Fireball before she exits the limo.

Ashley S. doesn’t understand paintball, zombies, or human emotion. She’s Terminator in heels. She walks coldly through a hailstorm of bullets and undead corpses and pumps lead into a few more zombies’ heads, even when the other ladies are like, “That zombie is dead! She’s dead! She’s just an out-of-work actress from Nebraska who wants to work in Hollywood and you’ve maimed her irreparably!”

This is how war crimes happen. This is also why there are waiting periods at gun shops.

unnamed

Instead of being AT ALL freaked out during the zombie slaughter, Ashley S. turns in a slow circle, looks into the camera and says, “I FEEL LIKE I’M IN MESA VERDE!” which is either A) a complete non-sequitur or B) a sick burn on Mesa Verde.

She sees angels in candles, she talks to cats, and she compliments Chris’ leather and asks him if he wants to lose the whole world. No one is safe. Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife.

The rose goes to Kaitlyn on the group date.

Back at the ranch, Jordan wears sweatpants, drunkenly twerks upside down, and talks mad shit about the other girls. My typical Saturday night. She specifically has a problem with Jillian who has a toned ass but also maybe a hairy one? Suddenly the black bar earlier in the episode makes a lot of sense.

unnamed-1

Rose Ceremony

Whitney gives him a bottle of whisky. I thought they were sequestered on the ranch from the outside world. She must’ve bought it off of Tara.

Ashley I. reveals she’s a virgin. Mackenzie loses her damn mind and quickly Googles hymen reconstruction surgery. She also gives bad advice and says that all guys love taking a woman’s virginity. Never take relationship advice from a 21-year-old.

During her one-on-one time at the cocktail party, Ashley I. encourages Chris to rub her belly button ring like she’s some college-girl-on-spring-break genie and everyone in America collectively cringed.

Jordan, who didn’t pump the brakes on her bender in time for the cocktail party, is plastered. Trina the southerner says, “Bless her heart, I think she’s had one too many drinks.”

Jordan says she’s going to step up her game and stumbles around, applying lipstick, and half-interrupting Chris’ one-on-one time. She tries to kiss the camera then tries to kiss Chris.

unnamed-2

Chris calls Juelia’s name and Jillian mistakenly steps forward to claim her rose. She trips on her rug when she realizes her mistake. If you didn’t rewind that several dozen times, you can’t sit with us.

It’s official: we’re falling back in love with the Bachelor.

Wildcard points for Monday’s episode: 10 points will go to the first contestant to make a disparaging remark about Ashley S.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Season 19, Episode 1: Recap

All aboard the crazy train this season, BachFantasy-ers. Choo choo! Show opens with a surprise appearance from the reanimated ghosts of Bachelors and Bachelorettes past, mingling and strutting the red carpet like it’s an awards show. But let’s focus on the meat and potatoes of the episode—the looney tune parade about to spill out from a caravan of limos idling outside the Bachelor Mansion.

Limo Introductions

First to step out of the limo is Britt. The hug she gives him is the reason this episode was three hours. She performs lamaze into his lapel for about 45 seconds, then gives him a coupon for a free hug. Are homemade coupons still a thing? I did this for my mom one Christmas when I was little, and even I knew it was lame: “One koupon valid for picking up dog poopies.” Get a real gift.

Following Britt we have Whitney, Kelsey, Megan, and Ashley I. Yawn.

Limo #2 rolls up and Trina steps out first. We completely forget about her because the next contestant Reegan strolls up to Chris with a biohazard cooler. She should’ve gone full crazy, opened the cooler wordlessly, then whispered: “THIS IS ALL THAT’S LEFT OF THE LAST MAN WHO DUMPED ME.”

Not to be upstaged, Tara hops out of the limo, cowboy boots first. She takes a lap and makes a pit stop to slam a jack and coke, burp, and do a costume change. Chris, to his credit, (tentatively) recognizes her when she walks up to him for a second time, now in a cocktail dress. Meh.

Amanda’s eyeballs give Chris a secret admirer note. Jillian the Crossfitter sizes Chris up, but decides to benchpress him later. How much you wanna bet that 90% of her Facebook photos are action shots of her during Crossfit workouts? Mother Kale, Ashley Onion, and Kaitlyn follow. Kaitlyn steals the show by telling Chris he can “plow the bleep out of her field any day.” Ride ‘em, cowgirl.

We’re treated to a limo intermission here, and there is wild speculation about whether there are more girls en route. Chris kicks off one-on-one time with Britt. They eye fuck each other and he basically puts a ring on it right then and there. Whitney takes a hit from a nearby helium tank, then brings up hog insemination with Chris #TalkDirtyToMe. Amanda is up next, and she rewards him with three minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.

Chris pretends like he’s cool with having just 15 contestants, but I can sense the quiet panic. There’s an insatiable greed for MOR LADIEZ.

So of course, the unthinkable happens. MORE LIMOS. The first fifteen girls have already, IMPOSSIBLY, formed alliances and are throwing major shade at the women who are arriving a mere 30 minutes after them. The first 15 ladies were one shot of tequila away from getting matching “Original 15” tattoos. Classic in-group, out-group scenario. Makes the world go round.

Screen Shot 2015-01-11 at 12.34.24 PMThe Original 15 assume the position to defend their turf.

“The Others” continue rolling in, and there’s no shortage of sequins or gimmicky introductions. Chris is greeted by airplane seatbelts, motorcycles, whiskey shots, a pig nose, a brutal karaoke performance, and he still repeatedly referred to himself as the “luckiest man in the world.” What a sport liar.

The Originals continue to lose their collective shit as A SIXTH LIMO SHOWS UP. We’re introduced to Tracy, Bo, Kimberly, Kara, and Jade. Kara tells Chris that she thinks they’d make really cute babies, and you can practically see his weiner retreat inside his body.

Apparently while we weren’t looking, Ashley S. nibbled a handful of mushrooms, because she begins waxing philosophic about onions like a stoned college freshman. She approaches Chris and WWE Diva Brittany with a consolation rose and rambling on about how she wants “her time” with Chris. It’s all very awkward.

Then, talking directly to the cameras, she claims to see an onion growing in a bush outside the Bachelor Mansion. Because the producers are on our side, they tell her to go check it out. Ashley remarks, “If it’s a pomegranate, then God bless it.” Spoiler alert: it is a pomegranate. God wants nothing to do with it.

Britt gets the First Impression Rose and lands the first kissing points of the season.

Rose Ceremony

Meanwhile, Tara has killed a fifth of Jack by herself and is stumbling around the mansion hiccuping and slurring. She racks up drunk-on-camera points (editor’s note: I’m always delighted when I get to hand these out) and the rose ceremony is so long that she’s able to cycle through the Five Stages of Drunk: trying to conceal your buzz, shit-talking, uncoordination, acceptance/elation, and passing out.

Tara drunk bachelorLet’s order Domino’s! 

The good news is when the rose ceremony finally ended, McDonald’s was serving breakfast. Nothing cures a hangover like a Big Mac.

Kimberley is the first contestant in history (totally unverified) to be dismissed on the first episode and try to crawl her way back in. Gotta admire that perseverance. If you drafted her, she might not be gone forever.

We like where this season is headed.

Wildcard points for Monday’s episode: 20 points will go to the first bleepin’ contestant who has her mouth blurred for profanity.

This show is like an onion—zesty and it hurts our eyes,

Becca and Jorie

What was your favorite part of the premiere? Let us know in the comments!

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Last Week On The Bachelor, Episode 4

5 Things We Learned From The Bachelor, Episode 4

Last week The Bachelor moved from L.A. to South Korea. Woo-oo-ooo-aaah, it’s international love now people. Here are some things we learned from last week’s episode.

  1. Pop stars in South Korea can’t get no special treatment. Never mind that the biggest stars in the country played their concert at a mall, they arrived to it sans security in a luxury van.
  2. Kiss quotas exists. And apparently Juan met his last week right before Lauren made moves. By the time Clare was interested in smooch action though, the cycle had refreshed. Maybe it was the way she ate that octopus tentacle.
  3. Tapered capris are in. On men. Our international bach-elor felt it last week in his Euro garb. More pants, less shirt, Juan.
  4. Some people don’t know one lick of Spanish. Bella means beautiful in Spanish. Read it, and memorize it, because I’m not sure it’s possible to fish harder for compliments, ladies.
  5. Kelly might be the realest meddler ever. Girlfriend called Nikki and Clare on their drama like a de-mustachioed Dr. Phil and I think we all wanted to high five her for it, right?

Where have all the picnics gone?
K

Tagged , , ,
Advertisements