Tag Archives: episode recap

Men Tell All: Points

While there were no points scored two nights ago on the Men Tell All special, the event wasn’t without flourish. We had our first live Bachelor ultrasound, Chris Bukowski was halted mid stage dive, and they brought the lie detector results back. Of. Course. They. Did. Who wants to put money on Andi opening the results backstage? Her internal battle was apparent and said it all: she will read those results eventually, at night and in a closet of her now shared home.

Next season we’ll think about adding specific points categories for the Men Tell All episode. Here are our ideas for that so far:

Drafting a contestant who…

  • Gets a phone number or asked on a date during the episode
  • Admits to still being in love or not over the Bachelor/ette
  • Is featured in the bloopers reel

What other points category ideas do you have? Also, over under on Andi’s ring size. Go.

K, J, and B

P.S. Follow us on Twitter.

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Season 10, Episode 9: Recap

We kick off the fantasy suites by Andi walking us through what she likes and doesn’t like about each contestant, as if we have not watched this show for the past 8 weeks.

She calls Josh one of the most handsome men she’s ever seen: tall, sexy, with olive skin, and piercing blue eyes. “He’s got that personality that every woman is attracted to,” she says, proving why we need the feminist movement.

With Chris, she harps on and on about his manly farmer-ness and how “cute” he is, so this is how we know he’s going home tonight.

Nick’s One-on-One Time

Nick and Andi board a helicopter and go to a private island off the coast of the Dominican Republic. “This crystal clear beautiful blue water is just beautiful,” she informs the at-home viewer. So poetic. It’s like I’m there.  

Nick answers questions about his former engagement, saying that he was essentially in a depression for six months after his fiance called the wedding off. Andi loves that he’s opening up about his past, so to celebrate, they go snorkeling and wreak havoc on the ecosystem, like a pair of finned godzillas. As my fiance yelled at the TV, “You’re not supposed to touch the coral, ya fucks!”

Her scarf-loving suitor then reads a book to Andi, and it’s a fairy-tale version of the season so far. I would’ve personally preferred a medley of Frozen songs. “Do you wanna build a marriagggge?”


They head off to the fantasy suite to Let It Go, if you catch my drift, but not before taking a quick detour to drape themselves against a palm tree and whisper, “I love you.”  

Josh’s One-on-One Time

The following day, Josh and Andi explore Santo Domingo and he recites the one line of high school Spanish he remembers when he sees Andi: “Hola! Que bonita!” They see a merengue band and they jump in to dance goofily to the music. Wouldn’t it be exhausting to be on this show? You have to be constantly Up For Anything, because the moment you let the facade slip, you’re probably going home for lack of enthusiasm. It’s like a two-month-long job interview, but with blue balls.

Andi then surprises him with an outing to a baseball diamond where a bunch of little leaguers are playing. Not pictured on camera: Josh in the dug-out, psyching himself up for the game and alternating between hysterical sobs and slapping himself repeatedly in the face, “COME ON, YOU CAN DO THIS, JOSH! THIS IS WHY DADDY LOVES AARON MORE!”

Josh says, “It means a lot to me that she pays attention to the things I enjoy.” Well, Josh, you’re about as one-dimensional as it gets; your love (or fear…?) of baseball is essentially the only thing we know about you. We didn’t have to pay close attention to learn that because you remind us of it in every. single. conversation. He’s as subtle as a prostitute in a saloon.

Josh is drunk with power as he pitches against fifth-graders because he can finally dominate the field. He mocks tackling the 11-year-old catcher at home plate, and I’m pretty sure that was take two. They can’t show the original take, because that first catcher is in the ICU of a hospital in Santo Domingo.

It’s only a game, Focker.

Hopped on endorphins and HGH, Josh tells Andi he loves her and informs the viewers at home that he’s “beyond love!” We’re so sure.


Josh inquires Andi about what kind of a mom she will be. She says she’ll let her kids get away with stuff. Well, if these two end up together, those kids are gonna need some leeway. Because we already know what kind of a dad Josh will be. The scariest fucking dad ever. The dad who gets booted from his son’s Little League game for putting the ump in a chokehold.

They go back to the fantasy suites where Josh undoubtedly turns himself on by reenacting his highlight reel from the baseball game earlier.

Chris’ One-on-One Time

It’s time for Chris’ date. They’re on a gorgeous tropical island in the Caribbean and they manage to find the few squares of farmland, somewhere in the middle. that look like Iowa. Can’t the farmer catch a break? They go horseback riding and Andi reveals she’s terrified of horses, which bodes well for her future farm life.  

Next, they play a half-assed game of hide-and-seek, and Chris and Andi have less chemistry than most cousins do.

She lets Chris go, pulling down her pants and shitting all over his home state in the process. “It’s not you…it’s Iowa!” That’s a lot of smack talk for someone from Georgia, just saying.

Andi then blubbers on and on about how it’s actually not Iowa, it IS him, which is a real nice way to kick him when he’s down. Poor Chris just sits there and listens to her explain that she is just not that into him no less than five times. He is a real sweetheart about the whole thing and leaves with dignity, which is more than a lot of these bozos can say.

Now tell us, should we score the Men Tell All? 

It’s not you, it’s Iowa but also you,

J, B, and K

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Season 10, Episode 8: Recap

This week we took a tour of the hometowns of the last bros standing. Moms plead their cases, sisters asked questions, brothers bonded, and dads were there…right? Let’s recap how each meet-the-parents date went.

Nick’s Hometown

First up, Nick is here to show us around Milwaukee. They wander through the Public Market and sample some local food. Any date that involves abundant food samples is A-okay in my book. They decided to get a little liquored up at a local brewery before meeting Nick’s family. Nick convinced the brewery to create a custom beer (or at least a custom tap…) in their honor: “Nick and Andi – The Perfect Brew.” The secret ingredient in this magic recipe? Fermented scarf fibers.

They head out to meet Nick’s family in Wauke$ha, WI. Am I the only one who didn’t know that Nick had one thousand siblings before tonight’s episode? They were one guitar away from becoming the Von Trapps. The Head Sister, Maria, questions both Nick and Andi with fairly predictable, though fair questions. Maria seems pretty smart and levelheaded, which means this is likely her first and last appearance on “The Bachelorette.”

The baby of the family steps up to cross-examine Andi. Bella asks, “What’s your favorite thing about my brother?” Andi replies, “We have a really good mental connection.” The eight year old has no idea what the fuck she’s talking about. I’m sorry, Andi, but the answer we were looking for is “He has a Razor scooter.” Bella proves to be a pretty useless investigator, as she forgets all of the questions she asked, but does succeed in being adorable.

Mom’s up next. Nick declares his love for Andi to his mom, who is supportive and wants him to be happy. She’s the first of four moms who seem unconcerned by the fact that Andi has three other boyfriends. Come on, moms. Do better.

Chris’s Hometown

Gas up the tractor, y’all, because we’re headed to Bumblefuck, IA to get a glimpse into Chris’s life. But really, Andi and Chris are actually going to ride a tractor. After a thrilling ride, they pick a nice patch of hay to sit on while they chat. Andi leads with a very reasonable question: What would she do for work here? Chris suggests that Andi, who is, at most, four years out of law school, be a homemaker. Andi doesn’t bite. Then Chris dangles the carrot of nearby Cedar Rapids, the glitzy metropolis just 60 miles away. Andi…still doesn’t bite.

Just in time to distract Andi from things that are actually important, the plane Chris hired flies by dragging a “Chris loves Andi” banner behind it. Homemaker, schomemaker. Suddenly Andi starts to think she could get used to this hay patch.

It’s family time now, and if you’re not wearing a statement necklace, you’re not getting a seat at this table. Chris’s family is pretty adorable. They playfully tease Chris and are generally cheerful. During their woman-to-woman chat, Mama offers to babysit Chris and Andi’s future children and they walk back to the group holding hands. Basically, they’re besties.

The night ends with some good ol’ fashioned fun. The grown ups all head outside to play Ghost in the Graveyard, not acknowledging the fact that the camera and lighting equipment following each of them make “hiding” a joke . SOMEHOW Andi finds Chris and they make out behind something metal. If you’re playing grownup hide and seek and don’t seize the opportunity to tongue your boo, you’re doing it wrong. Despite the large role that hay played in their day, Andi leaves Iowa looking pretty smitten.

Josh’s Hometown

We’re going to Trampa, FL next and I hope you brought your cleats. First stop is a baseball field. Wait, Josh plays baseball?!?! Josh pitches while Andi hits. She breaks a bat and Josh feels threatened, so he quickly puts an end to game time. While they’re chatting in the dugout, Josh drops in that he hasn’t played baseball in seven years, which begs the question: what the shit have you been doing for the past seven years? Wiping Aaron’s butt? Surely there is a statute of limitations on how long you qualify as a former something. By Josh’s logic, my LinkedIn profile could describe me as a “Fomer Girl Scout” or “Former Braces Wearer.”

Next on The Bachelorette SportsCenter, it’s the Aaron Murray Show. Josh’s brother, Aaron, is a current college football player and has been preparing for the NFL draft, so STFU about your quest for eternal love, Josh. Josh is the most likeable he’s been all season when he’s greeted by his dog. That dog loves on him hard, and it’s basically the only attention Josh is going to get all day.

But, let’s not forget why we’re all here: to learn about how Andi feels about Aaron’s football career. Josh’s dad asks if Andi is ready to become a card-carrying member of the Aaron Murray fan club and come to games every Sunday. “Yes,” Andi lies.

Later it’s time for all the pretty people to play touch football. The whole thing is only a few pairs of madras shorts away from a Ralph Lauren ad.

Marcus’s Hometown

Last but not least (except, spoiler alert, he is the least), we begin our tour of Dallas in Marcus’s Mercedes, because of course. Someone write that license plate number down, because if Andi goes missing at the end of this episode, we know whose trunk to check.

Marcus drives Andi past a lot of things that might actually be interesting to see from outside of a car, in order to take her to a dark lounge in the middle of the day. Who doesn’t love a surprise, one-on-one striptease while the sun is still out? Marcus reprises his sailor striptease, and I am simply not drunk enough to watch Marcus strut around in his panties for a second time this season.

Marcus puts his clothes back on and takes Andi back to meet his family. While talking to Marcus’s sister, Andi admits that she worries that she won’t catch up to Marcus’s rather, um, intense feelings. Given that it took Marcus about five minutes to declare Andi the love of his life, that’s fair.

Back to LA

With that, the hometown dates are over and back to LA we go. The men all show up to Chris Harrison’s house and the mood is quiet and uncomfortable as they wait for Andi. Once she arrives, Chris tells them that Eric Hill was in an accident and passed away. I guess it’s my fault for expecting ABC to take the high road, but it feels so disrespectful to Eric and the actual relationships that those on the show had with him to film their reactions like this.

Understandably, the mood for the remainder of the episode is somber, and Andi struggles to hold it together. The three roses go to Josh, Chris, and Nick, leaving Marcus to regret that second striptease in a major way.
Pack your sexiest scarf, it’s fantasy suite time,

-B, J, K

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Season 10, Episode 7: Recap

It’s one week before Andi brings four dudes home to get that warm fuzzy welcome her dad, Hy, showed off last season. Luckies.


At the start of the week, Chris Harrison stops by the guys’ hotel room in Belgium to chat, and apparently he didn’t get the light scarf memo.


Nick takes Chris’s visit as a cue to mention, again, that he feels good about where he stands with Andi.

The first one-on-one date goes to Marcus.

Andi and Marcus’s date is boring, kind of like this whole show right now. They meander the streets of Ghent and nod their heads at people speaking French at them. In other old news, Marcus is in love with Andi.

Andi busts out the resting duck face/frown of doom while Marcus explains his daddy issues and opens up about tough times with mom too. Okay, I feel bad. Andi whips out her favorite compliment, calling Marcus “a man.” They swap spit near what looks like an old, brick fence.


Back at the hotel Josh gets the second one-on-one date.

Later that night, after Andi and Marcus have swapped enough spit to make a baby and said goodbye, Nick goes Bukowski on us and breaks the rules. Dude has had enough of his girl dating other dudes. He heads downstairs and asks the hotel receptionist for a key to his “wife’s hotel room,” never mind these cameras and the reservation you have for the six bros under “The Bachelorette.” But I mean, persistence is flattering, so whatevs. At least he’s giving us something to perk up about.

Andi looks pretty shocked to see Nick at her door. She mentions to the cameras that it feels a bit unfair, but then she goes with it. They go for a walk. Nick gushes. Andi listens. She calls their relationship passionate, so much so that they have to lean up against a tree while they kiss.

The next day Andi basically takes Gaston on the date she planned for Marcus: walking and eating about town, only this time they follow a flock of ducks. When in Ghent.

Josh sums up the date by calling it “literally phenomenal.” Cool it, double rainbow.

Just as I announce that if they have one more dinner in one more castle or other municipal building, I’m gonna fast forward to the blooper reel at the end (my favorite part of this damn show), they enter a damn castle.

Inside Andi is begging with her eyes–and mouth–for Josh to tell her that he loves her. Gaston finally drops the “falling in love with you” bomb and Andi puts on her best surprise face.


Cut to them dancing for way too long to a country song only they seem happy to be listening to. Good thing I got dis on the DVR. Ba-doop, ba-doop.

The group date is at a ruins site. Dylan attempts to wax poetic saying he hopes his and Andi’s love can withstand the test of time just like…the ruins?

To get to their date destination, the boys jump aboard a rail bike and pedal Andi to an Abbey, where kissing is banned. And Nick didn’t like group dates before!

fake happy gif

It’s too bad too because there’s a bunch of things around to lean up against while making out.

Turns out the abbey also has crafts. Chris and Andi do pottery, if only to fulfill her helps-from-behind pottery man fantasy. I swear they sit down and decide which romcom stuff they’ll incorporate into each season before the show even begins. We’ll do pool lessons early on, horsebacking riding before hometowns, and seal the deal with hot air balloon ride over the grand canyon, straight into a wedding chapel.

Andi’s got a surprise for the group daters. She’s handing out the group date rose halfway through the date and the other guys will be dismissed thereafter. So, Brian changes his game plan after learning that whoever gets the rose on the group date gets to stay and have a mini one-on-one date with Andi. He tells her that’s he’s falling for her.

Then it’s Nick’s turn and he talks more about being certain he’s going to hometowns.

The guys look rull sad and scared when Andi picks up the rose that guarantees the hometown date. Nick gets it and he as happy as the other guys are pii-iissed.

happy baby

As if leaving their archenemy to date their girlfriend isn’t bad enough, Chris, Brian and Dylan squeeze into the back seat of their ride home like three brothers in the back of the station wagon.


Andi has a fireworks show waiting for Nick.

Then shit goes down at the hotel. The other guys are at their wit’s end with Nick and his strategizing to win pep talks. When Nick gets home they are fired up, but no one says anything for a good while. Brian breaks the awkward silence and then the rest of the brochachos who aren’t Nick chime in. They reveal that Nick’s watched the entire past season to try to figure out the game, which I think gives us the first insight into what Nick behaviors rub these guys the wrong way. So far I’ve thought they were just doing a good job of creating drama out of thin air, like their ABC contract asks of them.

On the final night in Ghent, Nick continues with the jerk moves and interrupts Brian’s one-on-one date with Andi. Brian is too nice about it; he says nothing.

Next up, Nick bawls his eyes out in a confessional about how excited he is to bring Andi home to his friends and family, and it’s official: it’s Bukowski in a Nick suit.

Chris has one more thing to say before the rose ceremony, so he leads her outside, and it turns out it’s his tongue that does the talking.

Then it’s rose ceremony time.

It’s goodbye time for Brian and Dylan and neither of them take it well. All I want to do is hug Brian when he finds out he’s not going any further. Dylan mentions that the show doesn’t lend itself to guys like him that take a little longer to open up. These poor men. Why would anyone sign up for this show?

You all are frontrunners in my eyes,
K, J & B

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Season 10, Episode 6: Recap

Opening scene: Boatload of bros, wearing shirts the color of sherbet, sail into a Venetian harbor. They collectively whoop and holler when they see Piazza San Marco, as if it were a woman who just flashed her sweater puppies at them. A few hundred miles south, the Pope shudders involuntarily and doesn’t know why.

Andi greets them near a canal. They do a long, drawn-out bit in which Andi announces the first date begins NOW, and various contestants begin musing to the camera that it will definitely be Cody’s date because he is the only one who hasn’t gotten a one-on-one yet. I speak fluent Bachelorese, so I understood that this means Cody is totally fucked.

The one-on-one date goes to Nick, and I feel drunk with power and knowledge. Nick flashes a turd-eating grin and pretty much cannonballs into a nearby gondola to play Casanova for Andi. For the first time in this season (but not the last time in this episode), I feel bad for Mackleroid. Andi then helpfully reminds the viewers that this is her journey for love, and not these effing Crayola-hued bros’ journey so everyone can go pound it. I bet she’ll be a total dream to plan a wedding with.

Renee from Juan Pablo’s season interrupts our lovefest to deliver a wooden performance during an infomercial about the benefits of using Suave shampoo. “Wow, Marcus. I wish I had this look on the show,” she montones, reading off a teleprompter with her eyes half-closed.

The boys then do their own infomercial for the glorified Super 8 Motel that they’re staying at in Venice. I believe it’s Josh who says unenthusiastically, “Look at these amenities: the balcony. Look at this view.” The camera pans to a busted rooftop and more hotels. Try harder.

One-On-One Date with Nick

Nick and Andi stroll around Venice and eat pizza in an alley where someone likely peed the night before. They let pigeons land on their heads because they’ve seen movies where other boneheads do that in Italy. They’re rowed around in the gondola. This is my nightmare job: rowing tourists around canals while they attempt to suck each other’s faces off. Pass.

They change into their black-tie formalwear (which one always packs when one travels to Europe) and meet up again. Andi rows up to Nick in a gondola holding up one of those sequined masks. It’s already played out and we’re three seconds into this date. Andi confronts Nick about the House Dramz, re: the other bois hating on him. Andi needs her bae to be liked by everybody. She straight-up asks him, “Do you think you’re the frontrunner?”

He dances around the question with a non-answer, passes the interview, and gets the rose. They don sequined masks and go to a masquerade “ball,” which consists entirely of the two of them.

Andi gets a note from her secret admirer, Chris Bukowski, who’s been riding around in gondolas shouting her name and attempting to track her down so he can introduce her to his good friend, a chloroform-soaked handkerchief. Then Josh, Brian, Dylan, Marcus, JJ, and Chris get the group date, which means Cody will finally get his first one-on-one.

Group Date

The boys visit Castello de Monselice, which Andi’s dad Hy has rented out as an interrogation chamber, a la Gitmo. Andi introduces Tony Soprano and his associate Silvio Dante who will administer a lie detector test. The color drains from most of the dudes’ faces. I’m strangely excited for the first time in many episodes.

Josh panics about all the biddies he’s banged back in his “pro” baseball days and talks strategy about how to beat the lie detector. It’s exactly like watching a panicky employee after being told he’s about to be randomly drug tested. “Dude, pee in this cup for me! Seriously, dude, you have to!”

Dylan reveals that he doesn’t wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom and that he’s slept with more women than he has fingers and toes. I cringed because everyone else’s embarrassing answers seemed to end up on the cutting room floor. C’mon producers, at least spread the humiliation around. Dylan fakes a stomach ache to go back to the hotel so he doesn’t have to see Andi’s reaction to the test results. After he leaves, Tony Soprano delivers the packet o’ lies and she decides she’s going to rip them up. Bo-ring. I wanna know Josh’s number.

They go to dinner and Josh gets super-sketchy and tells Andi how happy he is that she ripped up the lie detector results. He feeds her the same old BS lines (it’s like a Madlib with the words “trust” and “like”) and she calls him on it. Chris the Farmer reveals that he’s the secret admirer who’s been writing her letters but stays mum about the fact that he’s been engaged before. He gets the rose. JJ needlessly freaks out about the potential of going home tomorrow. Foreshadowing.

One-on-One Date with Cody

Andi tries to think of something nice to say about Cody before their one-on-one date in Verona and the best she can come up with is: “His eyes are so green! They pop!” I laughed. Rut roh. He’s like a big, sweet, dumb dog, who’s super enthusiastic but not firing on all cylinders. So of course he gets the date where they have to respond to letters addressed to Juliet. I was genuinely afraid that he wouldn’t be able to read or write. But he proved me wrong; he actually wrote a really sweet response and seemed like a genuine and kind dude under all those sinews and veins.

It was downright cruel watching Cody and Andi’s dinner unfold. Homeboy needs a lesson in body language. Cody’s talking about bringing her home to meet his parents, rolling around with her (?), how she’s going to fall even more in love with him as time goes on…and Andi’s literally crying and not making eye contact. She flips the switch on the electric chair, and Cody leaves on a surprisingly dignified note. I hope he finds a kind woman to guard that puppy dog heart of his.

Even with Cody gone, Andi still has one cut left to make. Since she ripped up the lie detector results, she has no idea that Dylan is walking around with pee-stained hands most of the time, so he makes it through for another week (though we predict it will be his last). In the end, she lets JJ go. It’s probably for the best—now he can spend more time with his pants.

T-minus two weeks til Hometown Dates. Let the Hunger Games begin,



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Season 10, Episode 5: Recap

We’re back, everyone, and we’re in Marseille. The bros immediately exhaust their French vocabulary shouting “BONJOUR!” and “MERCI!” as they run through the streets of Marseille. A French date card arrives, and JJ no comprende. Gaston, er, Josh, is the lucky guy to score some one-on-one time with Mademoiselle Andi.

Andi and Gaston

But, first, Chris Harrison interrupts this broadcast for a pointless interview with Andi, during which she confesses that she is falling in love AND with more than one guy. Phew. Surely the producers have legally required her to fall in love with no fewer than three men after the disaster that Juan Pablo caused with his lukewarm feelings and jackassery.

Josh and Andi cruise the Mediterranean out to some rock formation with a view that isn’t ugly. Andi shares with us that she is feeling cautious with Josh because she’s been burned by professional athletes she’s dated before. I’m so sure. (Side note: this is the female equivalent of a dude saying, “Yeah, I’ve dated a couple models and actresses before.”) Josh drops in the most obnoxious #humblebrag ever about only being a “second round pick,” and Andi indulges it. Barf. Barf on all of it.

liz lemon eyeroll


They really bach-ed it up on this date—private boat ride, chatting on a mountain-like formation, dinner at a palace, and a private concert. All that ca$h money they saved by frolicking in a WNBA arena in Connecticut was blown on this one date. To put the cherry on top of this cliche sundae, Andi decides now is the time to talk about Feelings and Past Relationships, in the shallow way only Bachelor contestants know how. She declares today the day she figures Josh out, because a thorough character assessment usually only takes a few hours.

I’ve always found that the most reliable way to know if someone is a shitty person is to simply ask them. Shitheads are notoriously honest about their own shitheadiness. She essentially asks him, he says no, and then they smooch. She knows he isn’t under oath, right? Where is her lawyer windbreaker now? Anyway, case closed?

While Andi and Josh are on their date, a storm is a-brewin’ back at the Bro Chateau. JJ and Nick share with Marquel that they overheard Andrew refer to Marquel and Ron as “blackies” during an earlier rose ceremony. Marquel is understandably upset by this and debates whether or not to confront Andrew. He decides to hold off until after the group date.

Lucky for Marquel, the group date involves miming, which is up there with punching things and screaming into a pillow as an anger relief technique. Les bros continually talk about how bad they are at miming, which is really the only proof point we need that they’re bad mimes. The first rule of miming is that you never talk about miming.

We all know that it’s only a matter of time before they take this act to the streets because: duh. They’re all very nervous because, as Patricks reminds us, “The French take their miming very seriously.” Do they, though? No wonder this show is consistently accused of racism; the producers always attempt to distill other cultures down to one outdated stereotype.

Marquel turns out to be a very talented mime, Cody mimes hitting on a very underage girl , and Nick is a whiny baby because he doesn’t want to mime and wants to be alone with Andi. This is The Bachelorette, Nicholas. Your girlfriend is going to have ten other boyfriends and you will be expected to publicly humiliate yourself. Shut up and nut up.

It’s time for the drinking portion of the date (Andi’s favorite). JJ, the most cheerful pantsapreneur this show has seen, sneaks Andi out for a quick ferris wheel ride and it’s pretty cute. However, things are heating up with the rest of the guys, because Cody just can’t take any more of Nick parading around the house like he’s the frontrunner for Andi’s heart. Nick could not care less that anyone thinks he is kind of a smug dick, probably because he IS a front runner and Mackleroid could not be less of a threat. Nick’s indifference only fuels Cody’s roid rage. And you wouldn’t like Cody when he’s angry…


Cody can barely contain himself when he gets one-on-one time with Andi and starts blabbing about Nick before Andi even sits down. Andi confronts Nick about this, and admits he mocked Cody. Now what? Ugh, do we even care. I need more wine.

Andi wonders to the camera if Nick is just being manipulative by readily owning up to the teasing, which is a fair question and one of the more astute insights a Bachelorette has made on this show. Nick doesn’t let her entertain that thought too long and distracts her with some original writing. It’s the verbal equivalent of “Look! Something shiny!” He reads her a poem (is it a poem?) and Andi slips him some tongue. That’s how every poetry reading I’ve ever attended has ended, too.

Marquel approaches Andrew about the alleged racist comments he made. Andrew nervously laughs and vehemently denies ever saying anything like that. It’s as uncomfortable as you’d expect it to be, and not incredibly productive in the end. Marquel doesn’t push it much further, and handles the whole thing pretty maturely. #MarquelForBachelor

JJ gets the rose on the group date. IS89sfggg09ipofdk0. I’m sorry, I just fell asleep on my keyboard. Let’s move on.

It’s finally time for Brian’s one-on-one date with Andi, after he had nothing but ‘net on the Connecticut group date. Things start off well—they promote a new movie, whose name I already forget, by eating popcorn and cuddling in a quaint French “movie theater.” The best part of this date is Brian trying to stifle his laughter at the flaccid piece of asparagus they show on the screen at one point. I laughed too, Brian. Call me.

Because the people in the movie cooked and fell in love, Andi and Brian have to cook in order to fall in love, too. It’s really that simple. They stroll through the French markets, pick up some sea urchins and frog legs, which are widely accepted as aphrodisiacs, and head back to the kitchen to cook a romantic meal.

During this part of the date, Brian flatlines a bit. He is clearly stressed about cooking this meal, and according to Andi doesn’t sneak in enough kisses or pay enough attention to her. Forgive the guy for not sneaking up behind you for a kiss while you were wielding a butcher’s knife. Also, maybe let Brian be a normal human male who is capable of experiencing a wide range of emotions and thoughts? Not an automatron set to smile, kiss, tell her this journey is incredible, repeat.

Once he’s got a hot meal in him (not the one they cooked, that one tasted like garbage), Brian comes back to life. He relies on his tried-and-true tactic of pulling Andi by the hand to a second location and kissing her. It works. He gets the rose.

Back at base camp, Andi’s hair is full of secrets. She tells Chris Harrison that she doesn’t need a cocktail party. Her mind is made up—she is dropping the guillotine on THREE dudes tonight.

andi hair

We say goodbye to Patrick (ok, bye, who cares), Andrew (no one will miss you), and Marquel (NO PLEASE), and Cody hangs on for another week. File that under “Things I Don’t Get,” along with how the internet works and why Steve Harvey is famous.

“We got our mime on our money and our money on our mime”,
-B, J, and K

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Season 10, Episode 4: Recap

Ready for more? Me neither, but we hold no power in this relationship, so buckle up.

Our big trip this week is to New England, Connecticut specifically, but before you go thinking this Bachelorette is of the laid-back, humble variety just for keeping things stateside thus far, let’s give her a few more episodes.

Dylan (sorry, who?) gets the first one-on-one date this week, and right away it’s clear that this guy is stressed and sad.


 Dylan on the one-on-one date. 

Andi’s planned a date aboard a steam train that winds its way through the New England countryside. You can’t make a date romantic just by calling it that.

Knowing what comes next, I feel bad for saying it, but I’ve seen domesticated cats look more amused at their owners than Andi and Dylan looked on their train ride. If they had any interesting conversation at all, we’re not privy to it. They talk like strangers who got randomly seated next to each other on an empty, old fashioned steam train to Sob Station.

By dinner time, I’m ready to enter the station and deboard. But Andi clearly hasn’t thought through how much time is enough time to spend on a train. At least give the guy a bed and a magazine. In case we all weren’t miserable enough yet, it’s time to talk Painful Memories.

Dylan and Andi sit in the presence of food and talk exes. Then with a bit of prying from the Bach, Dylan finally says what’s been weighing him down. He tells Andi about the unfortunate deaths of both of his siblings. The New Englander basically admits that if Andi’s aim was to force him down heartwrenching memory lane and call it a date, she #nailedit.


Andi feels bad. He gets the rose, and then in an act more likely to earn her the title Best Babysitter Ever than Compassionate Girlfriend Material, Andi distracts Dylan from his sadness by letting him toot the horn. And that’s no innuendo. Her actual end-of-the-date surprise for him is letting him pull the train horn.

The next day, the group daters wander down to the hotel basketball arena, and this trip is starting to remind me of the sorority “retreat” we took to Cape Cod when we never left the hotel. I wonder if Andi also spent an entire semester’s money on one EPIC formal.

On the court, some WNBA rockstars are here to school the boys in bball, and school them they do. Nick says it best, “We are running around like a bunch of infants and they are barely trying.”

Coach-Brian The WBNA players.

the rest of themThe bachelors.

To put some air back in their sails, Coach Andi benches the WNBA starters for the first time in their lives, and the boys break into teams: Rosebuds versus Five of Hearts.

Andi’s alluded to her history of dating former pro athletes before, but it’s clearer than ever that the athlete thing does it for her when the boys start running the court. She is practically orgasming watching them play.

So she turns up the heat a bit and announces that the winning team will spend the rest of the night with her, while the losers go home.

Brian, an actual basketball coach, steps into the spotlight at this point. He makes shot after and shot and I’m fairly sure it results in Andi’s immaculate impregnation. Led by Brian, the Rosebuds win.

In completely expected news, Josh hates losing.

josh mad

Allow us to interrupt this broadcast for just one moment to announce that at this point in our viewing session the one and only pantsapreneur favorited a certain Bachelorette Fantasy blog’s tweet. Dear JJ, the league is fine. Please send pants.

jj favorites tweet

Everyone gets cleaned up and they meet for drinks within the confines of the hotel. The first one-on-one conversation of the night is between Andi and Eric, and Andi is on the attack. Girlfriend’s body language is annoyed and she’s pretty blunt about telling Eric she wants him to open more. I get it though. The surest way to get me to bare my soul is to insist it on loudly. Eric does his best to follow her orders and talks a bit about his struggle leaving his religion, but the tone was already set, and it wasn’t one that ended with a hug or a butt slap.

On a brighter note Brian leads Andi back to where he made all the magic happen earlier in the day. They shoot some hoops just the two of them. Points to him for noticing that sports are Andi’s panty-dropping kryptonite. Then Brian’s entire life peaks when Andi challenges him to half court shot, which he makes without using the backboard and celebrates without coming off like an asshole. Andi practically assumes baby making position at this point, but Brian fails to notice, which, if you’re not her, is pretty endearing.

They head back to the party. Per the use the Bach gets passed around like ragdoll/tallisman. Each man that holds it has a turn at sharing Feelings and Beliefs.

And then, boom, Coach Brian mans up to right the wrong he made post-half court victory a few minutes ago. He walks Andi back to the basketball court and plants on her the kiss that he should’ve earlier. Coach Brian > Pro athletes current and former.

Back at the lounge, Nick has no problem reading Andi’s signs — hello public thigh caress — but Coach Brian gets the group date rose. He calls it better than winning a State Championship, so let’s hope his team isn’t watching.

Date number three and we’re still at the hotel. Marcus doesn’t care until he finds out he’s going on the dumbest date ever. Why two people who both hate heights wouldn’t talk themselves out of rappelling down their hotel and decide instead to use the elevator and then get the fuck off the property for a few hours, I’ll never know.


How normal people react to going over a hotel roof. 

They go the rappelling route. Well, at least Marcus does. Andi opts for hanging over the ledge of a hotel rooftop for a while. Then in a moment that reminds me all too much of my parents trying to assemble IKEA furniture together, Marcus “encourages” Andi over the ledge with incessant “lean back” and “look at me” yells. Yeah, because the reason she wasn’t rappelling was because she didn’t know how.


In typical Bach fashion she conquers her fear, they kiss mid-adventure sport, and in an unseen twist, they rappel past the guys’ suite, waving as they pass them. How they resisted the urge to smush their faces against the window at them is beyond me.

Later they chat near food. Marcus curses the guy that cheated on Andi, which I suppose is the only way to discuss the last loser that your girl dated. Hey, I mean it gets him the rose.

After dinner they dance for a crowd and to a country singer I don’t know but they seem sufficiently enthused by. Andi’s dance moves aren’t as bad as I remember them, but the duck face she puts on while she dances is hilarious and makes me glad that my dance face will never be on national television. I’ve seen it in pictures and it ain’t cute.

Rose ceremony day kick off with Andi in her hotel room getting a love letter from a secret admirer. Quit it already, Bukowski!

Then the cocktail party starts. The music is weird approaching her one on one time with Marquel so we think something’s up, but it’s a false alarm. In an act of winning self-deprecation, Marquel teaches her some self defense moves in case he’s not always around. #cute. #morecookies.

Then Eric pulls her aside, and I think it’s to open more, but it’s not. Things go downhill fast in their disagreement about who’s being most open and authentic. Without being petty, this is our take on it.

We all fell in love with Andi last season when she verbally whooped Juan Pablo’s ass. This conversation with Eric feels familiar, though Andi’s verbal sparring here seems stubborn and close-minded rather than badass. While Eric could have made his point a little more clearly and delicately, Andi shuts down right away and, in the end, came off like a drama queen. Was Eric’s feedback necessary? No. But did Andi blow it out of proportion? Yes indeedy.

Andi excuses Eric from the show.

Then Chris Harrison arrives like an angel out of a pig pen and not a moment too soon. Given Eric’s unexpected and dramatic exit and his subsequent sudden death, in place of the rose ceremony Chris and Andi chat about Eric, which is nice. Again, our condolences to Eric’s loved ones.

We’re told that Tasos leaves. Aw, Tasos! We’re not worried about you (but maybe lose the earring?).

Now go out and build brain cells, children. We’ll see you in two weeks.

K, B & J

P.S. You can get an email every time we post by entering your email address at the bottom of the page. Did you know we’re also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV, so do as JJ does and follow our Tweets. 

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Season 11, Episode 1: Recap

Houston, this is Bach Fantasy. We have bros.

Season 19 starts like all other seasons: montage after montage of the bachelorette doing the look-away. Looking away at work, looking away at home. Hey, there she is looking away at a store! It’s no secret that ABC has this Bach thing down to a formula.

We’re first treated to a “Law and Order” montage of Andi in her billowing DA-windbreaker, peeking in people’s backyards and IDing graffiti as gang activity. She poses and preens in front of a stack of books.

I think the producers are very keen to show that this Bachelorette is “one of us” as opposed to the psychopath they let take a dump on America’s heart last season. Cut to another montage of Andi and her sister giggling and trying on dresses to get ready for this season. Andi: “I could be engaged by summer! Craaaaazy.” Yes, that sounds like someone who is emotionally ready to make a lifelong commitment.

Finally, it’s time for limo introductions. Most of the men seemed like caricatures of real people. Also, it would really help me for scoring purposes if they introduced the men in alphabetical order. Every single dude this season looks like he could be named Chris.

Andi seems to have a thing for tall, dark, and handsome men, including Marcus and Josh M. She repeatedly mentions how cute they are. The Bach Fantasy at-home player should heed these asides.

Cody the Brody “pushes” the limo up the driveway. He’s the Atlas of bro-dom. Cannot believe he got a rose.


Photo Credit: Singing With Light via Compfight cc

I fell in love with Marquel. And then he showered her with milk and cookies later. In his bio, his perfect date is “making cookies and watching Netflix.” Dang, Marquel, the only two times America has seen you, you’ve mentioned cookies. How are you still single?

Rudie tries to win her over by playing his attorney card, but Andi deemed his evidence inadmissable.

Emil tells Andi that his name is basically “anal” with an M, which I bet is a defensive little tactic he’s been using since grade school. When you have a name that sounds like a poop chute, you gotta get ahead of the joke. Lets the bullies know you’re in on it.

Brett the hair stylist/Hamburglar is not straight. Just saying. They give him the creepy Bachelor music when he exits the limo, which means he’ll expire in one of the next two episodes but he’ll at least be entertaining in the meantime.

Craig decides to relive his glory days in Zeta Beta Tau and pops his finest bottle of Andre to supersoak the driveway and the rear windshield of the limo. You know that limo driver was like, “Fuck, come onnnn, dude.”

Nick S., the professional golfer, made sure Andi knew he was a professional golfer by arriving in a Professional Golf Cart. We get it. You’re rich. He wasn’t even paying attention to Andi until she mentioned, “I’ve got a little swing.” Dude went six to midnight.

There was also a brigade of long-haired dudes, including Dr. Jason. We found a childhood photo of him.


And Mike the bartender, who gave a wooden and forgettable performance as Man Who Pretended to Meet Andi in a Bar.

Watching the scenes with Eric is heart-breaking. He’s so sweet and seems like a genuinely good person.

Suddenly, Chris Bukowski from Emily’s season, who has made his career out of debasing himself on ABC’s various reality TV shows, is lurking in the driveway, hoping for a chance to meet Andi. Chris Harrison springs into turbo cock-blocking mode, clearly relishing in this drama. This is why Harrison gets out of bed in the morning.

Andi’s face is priceless when Chris tells her who’s in the driveway and she accidentally reveals that she never watched the show before applying to be on it.. She has no fucking clue who this dude is.

Bukowski admits that he didn’t know when they were filming so he’s been lurking around the Bachelor mansion for SEVEN DAYS. I mean. Alarm bells.

Also, what on earth was he doing for seven days? Hanging in the bushes? Roaming the block? Did he pack snacks? Was he wearing his suit the whole time? And finally, what idiot thinks that a woman he has never met in person is going to be charmed by him trespassing and hunching in the bushes, waiting for a camera crew to roll up?

Back at the cocktail party, Andi plays musical suit jackets while each guy makes his case to earn a rose. She eats some cookies, the bros bro out, and, disappointingly, no one gets too drunk and embarrasses himself.

Andi swoops in to pick up the first impression rose, and every dude salivates with his eyes trained on the rose, waiting to see where she is going with it. Nick V. is the lucky recipient, and he seems sincerely and adorably surprised.

Then it’s rose ceremony time. I always get a little nervous at the first ceremony, imagining how it’s possible to even remember the names of the guys I liked, let alone the entire pack. How these bachelors and bachelorettes don’t just point and wink at the good ones and moo at the bad ones, I’ll never know.

Bros stay and bros leave, and with that we’re under way. Our bachelorette is one step closer to marrying a dude with whom she’ll have spent 24 combined hours.

Hand over the rose cookies and no one gets hurt.
J, B & K

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Season 18, Finale: Recap

Well, amigos, we’ve reached the end of this journey together, and I am not complaining. Frankly, if I have to hear Juan Pablo claim that “he’s just being honest” while describing his latest act of douchebaggery one more time, I’m going to throttle him.

We’re in St. Lucia, and the entire Galavis clan shows up to talk some mild shit about JP to the women who are chomping at the bit to marry him.

Clare’s Date

Clare arrives first to meet Camila and field some softball questions from los padres y Rodolfo. Clare professes her love for JP to todo la familia, and doesn’t blink an eye when they tell her that he is rude and hyperactive. Clare, honey, when the people who are genetically required to love someone unconditionally warn you that he is kind of dick, LISTEN. Juan and Rodolfo have a charming conversation about how Clare is “begging for it,” and then the Galavises say adios to Clare.

Next up, Clare and JP reunite to go make out all over tropical paradise of St. Lucia. After a season with a notable lack of helicopter rides, Clare and JP climb in one and it spells the beginning of the end. The music stops and something is definitely wrong. Apparently, JP told Clare he doesn’t really know her, followed by something so awful and disrespectful to her that she won’t repeat it. She is shocked and horrified…but then she grasps his hand and follows him up the mountain.

We know that Clare redeems herself in the end, but GURL. When a guy responds to “Just tell me you love me” with “I really love f*cking you” (allegedly..), you snap your fingers in a Z formation and walk away without looking back.

Later on, Clare needs to confront him to get some answers. He hides behind his “honesty” and doesn’t even offer up a half-assed “IF I hurt your feelings I’m sorry.” He fumbles through the same series of phrases he recycles every time someone calls him on his shit, and Clare is satisfied and even more in love. *Smacks head*

Nikki’s Date

Now it’s Nikki’s turn to ignore JP’s family’s warnings about how much of a douche he is. She cycles through Mom, Dad, and Rodolfo, who all gently warn her that he is stubborn, selfish, and bails when the going gets tough in a relationship. Nikki reassures us that she knows Juan Pablo differently than everyone else, and I agree, though I think what she means is “less” than everyone else. Sure Nikki, your collective 10 hours together outweighs his family’s 30 years. Sigh.

Side note: I think the Bachelor producers are just OVER this season. They really phoned it in on these last dates. “Ugh. These three dum dums? Plop ‘em on a beach and then they can sit on the couch. We’re not even buying them dinner.”

Nikki and JP sit on the couch, and Nikki gives him a framed photo of them making out and a card professing her love. He basically nods and smiles. That’s it. That’s the date.

The Final Rose

The day is finally here. Both girls slip into a ball gown and spackle their faces with the most humidity proof makeup money can buy. Clare shows up first, and we all know what that means: she’s walking back through that sand in those heels a scorned woman.

Juan Pablo kindly lets Clare pour her heart out to him before he dishes out some vague, insincere compliments, and tells her she’s out. He tries to hug her, and Clare does what we all hoped she would do and blocks it. She rips into him (better late than never) and ends with a solid final dig, “I would never want my children to have a father like you.” She drops the mic, and wobbles back through the sand in her stilletos. JP mutters, “Woo. Glad I didn’t pick her,” and every woman in America suffered a rage blackout.

Nikki similarly pours her heart out, and JP tells her that he “likes her alot. A lot, a lot.” For a fleeting second, you can almost see Nikki coming to her senses. But instead, she accepts his rose, not a ring, and gives him a sad hug. And that’s how it ends.

After The Final Rose

My frustration with Nikki didn’t come so much from the fact that she accepted Juan Pablo’s lukewarm non-proposal in that moment. If you’re not ready to get married, then you shouldn’t. At that point, she could plead ignorance, as he hadn’t revealed himself to be a giant dickhead to her in particular. However, during the “After the Final Rose” show, I was just sad for her. After you’ve seen the man you love treat a series of other women with such callous disrespect, how do you not wake up and smell the bullshit?

JP bulldozed through Chris Harrison’s questions by, again, claiming he is just “honest” without considering for one second that his honesty may be hurtful to others. Instead of Chris fixating on getting JP to admit he loves Nikki, I would have liked for him to ask her, “How does it feel to watch the man you love hurt women without a single regret?” Or, ask Juan Pablo, “Would you want someone dating Camila to be as ‘honest’ as you are with the women you date?”

The whole interview with JP and Nikki was super awkward and uncomfortable, and you can tell Chris Harrison was like “Fuck this whole circus. I’m outta here.”

We end on a positive note by announcing Andi as the new bachelorette. It will be a nice change to have someone carrying the show who doesn’t have rocks for brains.

Now for some real honesty, thanks to all of you for following along with us through this ridiculous and often painful season. We’ll be back in May for Andi’s season and hope to see you then!

Juan Pablo, why are you such a skeeze?

-B, K, J

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Season 18, Episode 9: Recap

Surprise! It’s not over. What the eff, TV Guide? Anyway, here we go fantasy suites, here we go!

Clare and Juan in St. Lucia

Meanwhile on a yacht in St. Lucia, Clare is holding the fantasy suite invite over Juan Pablo’s head. Will she spend the night with him? Won’t she? We know these gals well enough that one “truss me” from Juan Pablo will send them out of their panties and into his sheets.

Clare and Juan Pablo “get to know each other better” in the fantasy suite, but not before Clare throws the conversation they had about swimming in the ocean in Vietnam back at Juan Pablo. He assures Clare that Camilla would approve of the two of them boning, and that’s that. Inside, Clare tells Juan Pablo that she’s in love with him, and he smiles at her. Then they take care of thawing out Clare’s icy heart in a hot tub.

Andi and Juan in St. Lucia 

Andi arrives, and the two of them take over the local band’s drums, and then they teach a disinterested toddler to take food and drink from strangers. Oh! And what do you know? The “locals” want to play soccer. You know, just the watered down “culture” that Bach contestants go bat shit for. They recap the hometown date under a waterfall.

Later on a bench with ample pillow reserves, Juan Pablo notices that Andi is thinking. He assures he that there is nothing wrong with thinking and throws out there that he won’t be sure that Andi is capable of being good mom until she pops one out. Can he trust her? He’s not sure. Ay ay ay. Juan Pablo doesn’t look like he could lift his foot to his mouth, but guess what? He can and does.

As for the fantasy suite, she goes, they drink some bubbly, and apparently, at some point after the cameras leave, Juan Pablo tells her that she barely made the top three or something like that. You know, a hilarious joke.

Then the dawn comes and with it the storm that turned out just to be a woman who saw through Juan’s bullshit. I clapped and whooped through Andi’s explanation of why she was O-V-E-R Juan Pablo. But first, Nikki wants to show her abs to the world.

Nikki and Juan Pablo in St. Lucia

The lovebirds go horseback riding, and Nikki decides that a tassle-boobed bikini and goucho pants are the appropriate uniform for that activity. Then they talk about the status of their feelings and their relationship for the rest of the day. BOR-ING. These people have been on like three one-on-one dates and they’re talking about their relationship? Might I recommend, “Do you have an income?” and, “What are your hobbies?”?

Nikki is the first to accept the fantasy suite without a long explanation of why. Go girl.

Following the formula perfectly, Nikki tells him that she loves him. He talks to her like a baby. WHAT’S TO LOVE?

Juan Pablo chats with Chris Harrison

Before the rose ceremony, Juan Pablo sits down with Chris Harrison to explain where he is in this journey. Chris tries to pry his way through the language barrier to the nothingness that is Juan Pablo’s brain. His questions seem meant for Camilla but are pointed at Juan Pablo: What does it mean to “like” someone? What it does it mean to feel “good”?  Before recess, Chris explains what those things mean in Americuh, in English.

Since Juan Pablo is super confused about which certified hottie to marry, he watches video messages from each of the girls in the hopes that something they say on screen will help him decide. Andi’s video mentions that she wants to tell him something in person.  DUH DUN DUN DUN.

Andi gets real with Juan 

Andi sits down to break Juan Pablo’s heart. She tells him that she’s going home, and he’s basically like, “Where’s the bus?” Home girl says everything I’ve been yelling at my TV for the last few weeks. My personal favorite part is when she tells Juan to stop saying “it’s okay” to everything. He says okay. He also shows zero emotion saying goodbye to a woman who he said only a few hours earlier that he could see being his wife. The great news is that, just like Renee, Andi will be fine. Okay? Okay. Iss okay.

Andi leaves, and Juan Pablo is like, “She should have just come to me and told me that she didn’t think it was going to work out.” Why didn’t she think of that!? He says the argument is what killed their relationship. That’s a listening man.

Rose ceremony

Chris Harrison walks Clare and Nikki into the rose ceremony and places them so close together it’s like he forgot Andi isn’t coming. What a meddler, but, I mean, TV drama is his career. Then Juan Pablo arrives, and, first and foremost, Nikki wants an answer NOW as to why her BFF, Andi, isn’t there. Juan Pablo explains his version of why Andi left and then the three of them toast to their love triangle.

Let us not forget that the girl who showed up with a soccer ball in her dress may win this show,


Who do you think takes home the final rose? Tell us in the comments. 

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