Buckle up, friends, it’s going to be a drunk season. Following in the footsteps of this season’s fresh crop, I’m 1.5 Bloody Marys deep and ready to get down to some snarking. Since a narrative recap of the premiere would really just boil down to a list of guys named James getting out of a limo to embarrass themselves, we decided to mix things up – yearbook style.
Class of Season 12 Superlatives
Most Likely to Bench Press the Bachelorette: Alex
Alex is a short guy with big muscles. He’s already done pushups with JoJo on his back. He’s got something to prove and he’s using his muscles to prove it.
Most Likely to Have a Panic Attack on a One-On-One Date: Ali
Ali was adorably nervous during the whole premiere. He loosened up a bit while playing the piano (or maybe he’d had eight cocktails by then), but Ali is one tightly wound little Mozart.
Most Likely to Get the Axe Next Week: Brandon
Brandon is one of the contestants with a ridiculous “job”, but unlike most of them he has the personality of a used q-tip. Unless things get pretty hipstery next week, Brandon will probably find himself with a lot of time for Instagramming latte art and cruising around on his fixed-gear bike.
Most Likely to Leave the Season with a Restraining Order: Chad
Chad wasted no time establishing himself as the season villain, and it looks like his rage train is on the express track. If Chad were an emoji, he’d be the red-faced guy with a couple of flexed biceps on the side.
Most Likely to Stick Around Despite Having a Below Average Personality: Chase
Chase is attractive and doesn’t seem like a total psychopath. He’ll be here for a while, despite seeming pretty vanilla.
Most Likely to be a Relatively Normal, Nice Guy: Christian
Despite the fact that this dude regularly wakes up in the middle of the night to do crossfit or whatever, I think we may actually have a nice person on our hands here. He’s gainfully employed, keeps his two brothers alive, and hasn’t revealed a pathological rage problem yet. 5/5 stars.
Most Likely to be a Group Date Allstar: Derek
Derek seems fine. I predict that he will go on every group date, playing nice with the other guys (perhaps even showing them the ropes – “So we’re going to compete in this sushi making competition, and then the losing half of the group will have to hitchhike back to the mansion.”), but probably not make much headway with JoJo one-on-one. There are worse Bachelorette fates, Derek.
Most Likely to be Unemployable After This Show: Daniel
Daniel is the season buffoon, here to keep us entertained with the right mixture of shameless ego and minimal self-awareness. Daniel has already defeated the odds by getting a rose despite shedding his clothes and drunkenly belly flopping into the pool on night one, so he’s got more time to embarrass himself before he’s cut.
Most Likely to Worry About Shrinkage: Evan
Evan’s calling in life is to help dudes get boners. Given how many of the Bach leisure and date activities involve swimming, he’s probably mainlining testosterone as we speak.
Most Likely to be a Dark Horse: Grant
Grant was on my short list to draft and I swapped him at the last minute for some White Dude With Stubble™ because history. Now I kind of regret it. I think Grant could stick around.
Most Likely to be Torn Apart by the Fashion Police: James F.
I’m still not over the black shirt and red tie combo. Probably won’t ever get over it. I know Joan Rivers would be on my side here.
Most Likely to Shit His Pants in Chris Harrison’s Presence: James S.
James lives for The Bachelor franchise and his little Ken doll brain couldn’t even compute sharing space with legends like Chris Harrison and Jake Pavelka.
Most Likely to Bring an Acoustic Guitar to the Hot Tub: James Taylor
Most Likely to Have a Target on His Back: Jordan
Jordan wasted no time charming the pants off JoJo (not literally, give it a few episodes, guys) and establishing himself as the early front runner. He’s a former pro athlete, attractive, and likable (though his ex has given us something to think about), which means he’s public enemy #1 in the Bach mansion. Sleep with one eye open, Jordan.
Most Likely to Cry it Out: Luke
Luke’s intro featured him somberly discussing his military service. There’s no way this will not come up during an emotional conversation over a dinner that no one will eat.
Most Likely to Surprise Us: Nick B.
Nick B. showed up in a Santa costume. And stayed in a Santa costume. And beat his “Jo Jo Jo” joke to death for two hours wearing a Santa costume. Despite all that, JoJo was into him. Rereading his bio, he may be normal enough to actually have some longevity in this circus.
Most Likely to Bore the Hell Out of Us: Robby
Robby checks the Bach boxes: styled hair, conventionally attractive, slightly murdery eyes, mildly successful athlete at some point in his life, etc. He may also have less personality than a box of hair. TBD.
Most Likely to Be Hungover the Whole Season: Vinny
Vinny was one of the Three Musketeers who earned themselves some visible drunkenness points during Monday’s premiere. I have a feeling that is going to be Vinny’s legacy on this show. Not feeling too confident that he’s going to reinvent himself before he gets booted.
Most Likely to Bring Ginuwine to the Fantasy Suite: Wells
Wells set the bar high by showing up on night one and wooing JoJo with some sweet 90s slow jams. I think Wells is in it for the long haul, and he’s got to top All-4-One.
Most Likely to Knock Teeth with JoJo While Kissing: Will
Poor Will. His cootie catcher kiss gimmick could have been cute, but unfortunately he and JoJo had chemistry roughly equal to that of most first cousins. There could be hope for Will yet, but he’s climbing an uphill battle.
Most Likely to Speak Up During Men Tell All Despite being on the Show for 40 Seconds: Coley, Jake, Jonathan, Sal, Peter, Nick B.
These guys came for their 15 minutes and damnit they’re gonna get it.
Which superlative categories do you think we missed? Tell us in the comments!