Tag Archives: the bachelorette

Jun 08 2016
39 Comments
Points: Season 12

Season 12, Episode 4: Points

Never have I ever been this upset about a “To Be Continued…” at the end of a “Bachelorette” episode. WHAT DOES CHAD DO OUTSIDE THE HOTEL?! We have to wait two weeks to find out. This season has taken a delicious detour into horror movie territory and I’m HERE FOR IT.

Twenty-five wildcard points last night went to Evan, who was the first man to bleed. Although I’m making this face to the editors

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for using some smoke and mirrors to make it seem like Chad was responsible for said bleeding. Instead, the cause was Intense Synchronized Swimming™.

Onto the points! Some men scored double rose points this week, which we allowed — however, we did not count any other category twice, per our usual rule of once per episode (so Robby and Jordan only got kissing points once).

ALSO WE NEED YOUR EYEBALLS: there was a shot of some of the men with their tootsies in the hot tub in the first five minutes of the episode during the pool party. I don’t have DVR — and my co-founder was at the Beyonce concert so we didn’t catch it! If you know exactly who was in the hot tub at that moment, comment and we’ll update the points accordingly. Thanks!

  • Alex: 120 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Ali: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Chad: 75 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Chase: 25 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Christian: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Daniel: 50 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Derek: 75 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Evan: 70 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points: first man to bleed (25 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Grant: 45 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • James F.: 50 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • James Taylor: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Needing medical attention (20 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jordan: 130 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Luke: 130 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her to the camera” (20 points)
  • Nick B: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Robby: 95 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Vinny: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
  • Wells: 45 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)

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May 31 2016
31 Comments
Points: Season 12

Season 12, Episode 2: Points

If there’s any takeaway from last night’s episode, it’s that I’m not using my luggage to its full potential. Overall, we saw Chad double-down on his Chadness: eating deli meat by the fistful, threatening other men’s teeth, and generally spitting some uncomfortable truths about the actual length of time generally required before you can fall in love with a person. Like all good #Bachelor and #Bachelorette villains, Chad has gone off-script, and we’re HERE for it.

A couple of caveats before we dig into points:

  • On the second group date, we awarded dancing points for gentlemen partaking in the so-called “touchdown dance.”
  • However, we didn’t award any proposal points. Technically, yes, several of the contestants “proposed” but that category is worth 85 points a pop — we intended the category to be reserved for the last remaining contestants. So no points awarded there.
  • During the SECOND time they broke into song about JoJo, it was super hard to catch the entire group. There were two guys wearing hats who were hard to make out. I’m pretty sure one was Robby (I gave him the points), but the other one had his back entirely to the camera and I couldn’t tell who he was. If you have additional evidence that will help us identify this mystery singer, please share and we’ll update accordingly.

The wildcard points category of the night (announced on Twitter) was 20 points to the first man called at the rose ceremony. Alex scooped those up.

  • Alex: 65 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Wildcard points: first dude called at the rose ceremony (20 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ali: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Brandon: 5 points
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Chad: 100 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Telling the Bachelorette that several contestants aren’t here for the right reasons (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal her away” during the interruption (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chase: 35 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Giving a gift to the Bachelorette (fake snow) (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Christian: 45 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Daniel: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Derek: 60 points
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Evan: 50 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Grant: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Winning alone time with the Bachelorette on the group date (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James F.: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James S.: 5 points
    • Singing (5 points)
  • James Taylor: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing or playing an instrument (the guitar) (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the group date rose (35 points)
  • Jordan: 45 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Luke: 50 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Nick B: 45 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Robby: 45 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Vinny: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wells: 70 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Needing medical attention (20 points)
    • Getting the group date rose (35 points)
  • Will: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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May 29 2016
1 Comment
Episode REcaps: Season 12

Season 12 Episode 1: Recap

Buckle up, friends, it’s going to be a drunk season. Following in the footsteps of this season’s fresh crop, I’m 1.5 Bloody Marys deep and ready to get down to some snarking. Since a narrative recap of the premiere would really just boil down to a list of guys named James getting out of a limo to embarrass themselves, we decided to mix things up – yearbook style.

 

Class of Season 12 Superlatives

highschool-yearbook

Most Likely to Bench Press the Bachelorette: Alex

Alex is a short guy with big muscles. He’s already done pushups with JoJo on his back. He’s got something to prove and he’s using his muscles to prove it.

Most Likely to Have a Panic Attack on a One-On-One Date: Ali

Ali was adorably nervous during the whole premiere. He loosened up a bit while playing the piano (or maybe he’d had eight cocktails by then), but Ali is one tightly wound little Mozart.

Most Likely to Get the Axe Next Week: Brandon

Brandon is one of the contestants with a ridiculous “job”, but unlike most of them he has the personality of a used q-tip. Unless things get pretty hipstery next week, Brandon will probably find himself with a lot of time for Instagramming latte art and cruising around on his fixed-gear bike.

Most Likely to Leave the Season with a Restraining Order: Chad

Chad wasted no time establishing himself as the season villain, and it looks like his rage train is on the express track. If Chad were an emoji, he’d be the red-faced guy with a couple of flexed biceps on the side.

Most Likely to Stick Around Despite Having a Below Average Personality: Chase

Chase is attractive and doesn’t seem like a total psychopath. He’ll be here for a while, despite seeming pretty vanilla.

Most Likely to be a Relatively Normal, Nice Guy: Christian

Despite the fact that this dude regularly wakes up in the middle of the night to do crossfit or whatever, I think we may actually have a nice person on our hands here. He’s gainfully employed, keeps his two brothers alive, and hasn’t revealed a pathological rage problem yet. 5/5 stars.

Most Likely to be a Group Date Allstar: Derek

Derek seems fine. I predict that he will go on every group date, playing nice with the other guys (perhaps even showing them the ropes – “So we’re going to compete in this sushi making competition, and then the losing half of the group will have to hitchhike back to the mansion.”), but probably not make much headway with JoJo one-on-one. There are worse Bachelorette fates, Derek.

Most Likely to be Unemployable After This Show: Daniel

Daniel is the season buffoon, here to keep us entertained with the right mixture of shameless ego and minimal self-awareness. Daniel has already defeated the odds by getting a rose despite shedding his clothes and drunkenly belly flopping into the pool on night one, so he’s got more time to embarrass himself before he’s cut.

Most Likely to Worry About Shrinkage: Evan

Evan’s calling in life is to help dudes get boners. Given how many of the Bach leisure and date activities involve swimming, he’s probably mainlining testosterone as we speak.

Most Likely to be a Dark Horse: Grant

Grant was on my short list to draft and I swapped him at the last minute for some White Dude With Stubble™ because history. Now I kind of regret it. I think Grant could stick around.

Most Likely to be Torn Apart by the Fashion Police: James F.

I’m still not over the black shirt and red tie combo. Probably won’t ever get over it. I know Joan Rivers would be on my side here.

Most Likely to Shit His Pants in Chris Harrison’s Presence: James S.

James lives for The Bachelor franchise and his little Ken doll brain couldn’t even compute sharing space with legends like Chris Harrison and Jake Pavelka.

Most Likely to Bring an Acoustic Guitar to the Hot Tub: James Taylor

Please, don’t.

Most Likely to Have a Target on His Back: Jordan

Jordan wasted no time charming the pants off JoJo (not literally, give it a few episodes, guys) and establishing himself as the early front runner. He’s a former pro athlete, attractive, and likable (though his ex has given us something to think about), which means he’s public enemy #1 in the Bach mansion. Sleep with one eye open, Jordan.

Most Likely to Cry it Out: Luke

Luke’s intro featured him somberly discussing his military service. There’s no way this will not come up during an emotional conversation over a dinner that no one will eat.

Most Likely to Surprise Us: Nick B.

Nick B. showed up in a Santa costume. And stayed in a Santa costume. And beat his “Jo Jo Jo” joke to death for two hours wearing a Santa costume. Despite all that, JoJo was into him. Rereading his bio, he may be normal enough to actually have some longevity in this circus.

Most Likely to Bore the Hell Out of Us: Robby

Robby checks the Bach boxes: styled hair, conventionally attractive, slightly murdery eyes, mildly successful athlete at some point in his life, etc. He may also have less personality than a box of hair. TBD.

Most Likely to Be Hungover the Whole Season: Vinny

Vinny was one of the Three Musketeers who earned themselves some visible drunkenness points during Monday’s premiere. I have a feeling that is going to be Vinny’s legacy on this show. Not feeling too confident that he’s going to reinvent himself before he gets booted.

Most Likely to Bring Ginuwine to the Fantasy Suite: Wells

Wells set the bar high by showing up on night one and wooing JoJo with some sweet 90s slow jams. I think Wells is in it for the long haul, and he’s got to top All-4-One.

Most Likely to Knock Teeth with JoJo While Kissing: Will

Poor Will. His cootie catcher kiss gimmick could have been cute, but unfortunately he and JoJo had chemistry roughly equal to that of most first cousins. There could be hope for Will yet, but he’s climbing an uphill battle.

Most Likely to Speak Up During Men Tell All Despite being on the Show for 40 Seconds: Coley, Jake, Jonathan, Sal, Peter, Nick B.

These guys came for their 15 minutes and damnit they’re gonna get it.

Which superlative categories do you think we missed? Tell us in the comments!

 

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May 24 2016
36 Comments
Points: Season 12

Season 12, Episode 1: Points

Welcome to Season 12 of “The Bachelorette” and the sixth season of BachFantasy! This season premiere was major. We had Damn Daniel drunk and wandering around in undies, diving into a pool even though there was clearly no lifeguard on duty. We had a gorgeous specimen named Ali who played the piano and caused millions of panties to spontaneously evaporate off their owners’ bodies around the country. We had a Bachelor superfan and Ken doll lookalike that legitimately made me LOL every time he appeared on screen; he was so nervous to meet all his heroes in the flesh. I thought for sure he was going to ask Chris Harrison to sign his chest. We were treated to a private serenade from the musical stylings of All4One, and just like that I was 13 years old again, swaying in my middle school gym with a spiral-shaped rhinestone tattoo glued on my arm and butterfly clips in my hair.

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We also had the earliest reveal of a season villain in Bachelorette history. Can we talk about those coming attractions? So, Chad is essentially two fists and a beard. I’ve gone ahead and renamed the season.

there_will_be_blood_movie_poster_rolling_roadshow_2010_olly_moss

Onto the points! Take a gander at our points categories again, even if you’ve played with us before, as there have been some additions this year and a few points changes. Have your commissioner add your contestants’ points to your spreadsheet to see how your team is stacking up.

Thirty wildcard points went to Christian, who was the first man to arrive in anything other than a limo (he showed up on a motorcycle). We announce our Wildcard Points category on Twitter every Monday before the show starts. Follow us there for live tweets, plenty o’ gifs, and wildcard points.

Two caveats to this week’s points totals:

  • Some dude presented JoJo with a piece of toast during his limo introduction, but he did not hand it to her. Thus, it was not a gift, merely a prop in his terrible pun.
  • In order for it to count as an interruption, a contestant has to be interrupting someone else’s one-on-one time with JoJo.

Without further ado…

  • Alex: 30 points
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ali: 30 points
    • Playing an instrument (the piano) (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Brandon: 30 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chad: 25 points
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chase: 25 points
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Christian: 60 points
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Wildcard points: first man to arrive in anything other than a limo (30 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Coley: 0 points
  • Daniel: 40 points
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Derek: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Evan: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Grant: 30 points
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jake: 0 points
  • James F.: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James S.: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James Taylor: 30 points
    • Playing an instrument (the guitar) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jonathan: 35 points
    • Wearing a costume native to another country (5 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)
  • Jordan: 60 points
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points)
  • Luke: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (cowboy boots) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Nick B: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Nick S.: 20 points
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Peter: 5 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (a heart pillow) (5 points)
  • Robby: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (wine) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Sal: 5 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (blue balls) (5 points)
  • Vinny: 45 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wells: 50 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Giving a gift (the musical group All4One) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Will: 35 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Got a wildcard points category you’d like to see us feature this season? Leave your suggestions below in the comment.

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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May 17 2016
2 Comments
Episode REcaps: Season 12, Points: Season 12

Researching Your Picks: A Look at Season 12’s Drafting Pool

There are no hometowns listed in the cast bios, so we’re assuming it means all 26 of this season’s “Bachelorette” contestants were conceived and grown in a factory on no-man’s land. *rubs hands excitedly* Let’s dive right in.

Alex | age: 25 | U.S. Marine

  • Choice line from his bio: He’s not into the “whole booty dancing thing.” Fifty points to the guy who can get Alex to twerk on camera.
  • We need to hear more about: The time he Hulked out and ripped the door off a car that was on fire and rescued the driver. His favorite movies are also “Troy,” “Inglorious Basterds,” and “300.” We get it, Alex. You have a dick.
  • Draftability: 7/10

Ali | age: 27 | Bartender

  • Choice line from his bio: There is not one interesting thing in his bio but if you squint your eyes at his photo, he kind of looks like peak John Stamos.
  • We need to hear more about: How deep his fear of bugs is… PRANKS! PRANKS! PRANKS!

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  • Draftability:7/10

Brandon | age: 28 | Hipster

  • Choice line from his bio: Here we have our first whack Bachelor job: Hipster. And yet he has no tattoos, he describes himself as athletic, his favorite movie is Good Will Hunting, and he cites a Malcolm Gladwell book as his fav piece of literature. This is like calling my own Dad a hipster.
  • We need to hear more about: Where he parks his creepy van at night. Brandon wants to experience someone “from the inside out.” I get what he’s going for here, but he chose a pretty murdery way to describe that.
  • Draftability: 3/10

Chad | age: 28 | Luxury Real Estate Agent

  • Choice line from his bio: His answer to THREE different questions is: “myself in 10 years. Alright, alright, alright.” You’ve exhausted the joke, dude.

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  • We need to hear more about: His date that blacked out during dinner. I have a hunch I’d also try to blackout if I went out with Chad. This one may not be on her.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Chase | age: 27 | Medical Sales Rep

  • Choice line from his bio: His biggest fear is a girl falling in love with him…and he’s not that into it. 

Jennifer-Lawrence-ok-thumbs-up

  • We need to hear more about: What the fuck is so special about his truck? That’s his limit in terms of what he’ll do for love? I say let’s vote Chase off now and see if we can get Meatloaf on the show.
  • Draftability: 8/10

Christian | age: 26 | Telecom Consultant

  • Choice line from his bio: His bucket list really runs the gamut. He wants to befriend Mark Cuban, take selfies in space, and spoil his grandchildren. That last one is the puzzler. Does he already have grandchildren…? If not, does he not want to spoil his own children first?
  • We need to hear more about: HULLO, his amateur stripping career. Willing to pay a generous bounty for any photo evidence of this.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Coley | age: 27 | Real Estate Consultant

  • Choice line from his bio: Hard to decide between his bucket list (#respect for those choices) or his book selection (Accio rose, amirite?).
  • We need to hear more about: The girl who tried to move in with him after a week of dating. Did she? C’mon, Coley, don’t leave us hanging.
  • Draftability: 5/10 – His bio is respectable, but his name is Coley. Sorry.

Derek | age: 29 | Commercial Banker

  • Choice line from his bio: If he were stranded on a desert island, the worst case scenario would be if there were a shitload of cucumbers on it. 

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Seriously, pick a more benign vegetable.

  • We need to hear more about: His penchant for skinny-dipping. We’re expecting some major “blurred out” points from Derek.  
  • Draftability: 8/10

Daniel | age: 31 | Male Model

  • Choice line from his bio: He doesn’t have any tattoos because “You don’t put stickers on a lambo.” He also assures us that he is comfortable wearing a bathing suit in public, because “why have a lambo if you keep it parked in the garage.” Daaaamn, Daniel. Back at it again with the bad metaphors.

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  • We need to hear more about: His Men’s Rights activism. I bet if we check his Twitter feed, there are all sorts of rants about girls who “tricked him” by looking better in their dating profile pictures.
  • Draftability: 8/10 – could definitely be the season villain

Evan | age: 33 | Erectile Dysfunction Expert

  • Choice line from his bio: Where do I start with this guy? He describes his sexual energy as “very powerful and beautiful.” Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife. He also wants to be Trump for a day and he has a laundry list of dating dealbreakers, including “girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies.” FOOD ALLERGIES? Way harsh, Tai.
  • We need to hear more about: His job – “Erectile Dysfunction Expert.” Did he go into the family business or…?
  • Draftability: 2/10

Grant | age: 27 | Firefighter

  • Choice line from his bio: His greatest achievement to date? “Saving a life.” Way to drop the freakin mic. Let’s be real, if I saw Grant approaching, I’d play dead. Resuscitate me, boi.
  • We need to hear more about: It’s a toss-up between the Mexican police chase and his ex slapping him in a bar. Maybe they’re connected?
  • Draftability: 9/10

Jake | age: 26 | Landscape Architect

  • Choice line from his bio: He’s not afraid of any animal, because humans are at the “top of the food chain.” You’re right, Jake, no human has ever been killed by an animal.
  • We need to hear more about: How he plans to help the people with his power of flight. If only there were humans out there getting killed by animals. I bet he could help them. If they existed.
  • Draftability: 5/10

James F. | age: 34 | Boxing Club Owner

  • Choice line from his bio: He likes when a book is so vivid that he can almost “smell their environment.” This is how people who don’t read books talk.
  • We need to hear more about: What the fuck is carb cycling? Before you answer, I’m pretty sure I want no part of it.
  • Draftability: 3/10 –  Real talk, I think James’ admission to the show was a clerical error.

James S. | age: 27 | Bachelor Superfan

  • Choice line from his bio: His job – apparently this joker is a “Bachelor Superfan.” Has Chris Harrison finally opened up an institution of higher education or is James self-taught?
  • We need to hear more about: His thoughts on “intimacy.” Does this mean a season of Duggar-style side hugs?

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  • Draftability: 4/10 – seems like a tool

James Taylor | age:  29 | Singer-Songwriter

  • Choice line from his bio: This guy, named JAMES TAYLOR, is a singer-songwriter. We know you’re not the real James Taylor.
  • We need to hear more about: Why he still refers to his dad as “daddy.” You’re 29, bro.
  • Draftability: 3/10

Jonathan | age: 29 | Technical Sales Rep

  • Choice line from his bio: If he could change places with anyone, he “would be someone incredibly poor in a third world country to see what it’s like and appreciate what [he has].” Poverty tourism—good answer.
  • We need to hear more about: Jonathan has a tattoo of his grandma on his arm. Like her name or a portrait of her?
  • Draftability: 3/10

Jordan | age: 27 | Former Pro Quarterback

  • Choice line from his bio: He hates it when his date “doesn’t want to eat in front of [him].” You’re speaking my love language, Jordan.
  • We need to hear more about: His job as a former pro quarterback. Which team? And for how long? Can we check his references? I’m detecting a faint odor of catfishing.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Luke | age: 31 | War Veteran

  • Choice line from his bio: We’ve got another hopeful bromance with Mark Cuban, folks. Lots of “Shark Tank” fans this season.
  • We need to hear more about: His status as a war veteran. Lots of military men in the house. Will this lead to tension or camaraderie? Find out after the commercial break.
  • Draftability: 4/10

Nick B. | age: 33 | Electrical Engineer

  • Choice line from his bio: If he could be anyone in the world for a day, he’d be “the woman [he] wants to marry so [he] could find out what’s in her head.”

what_women_want

  • We need to hear more about: His favorite magazine, Ducks Unlimited. Is this a euphemism?
  • Draftability: 4/10

Nick S. | age: 26 | Software Salesman

  • Choice line from his bio: If he could have any job for a day, he would choose: “Don Draper? James Bond?” He didn’t understand the assignment.
  • We need to hear more about: The mountain lion he supposedly chased.

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  • Draftability: 5/10

Peter | age: 26 | Staffing Agency Manager

  • Choice line from his bio: Peter loves dinosaurs so much he’d time travel back to the Mesozoic Era to see ‘em. Did you see Jurassic Park, Pete? Didn’t work out so great for the humans.
  • We need to hear more about: That time he was a sk8er boi, she said see you later boy.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Robby | age: 27 | Former Competitive Swimmer

  • Choice line from his bio: He calls his favorite flower, the honeysuckle, “delicious.” “Robby, will you accept eat this honeysuckle?”
  • We need to hear more about: When asked to name his three best attributes, he includes “handsome.” Warning: narcissism alert.
  • Draftability: 7/10 – We think JoJo will be into it.

Sal | age: 28 | Operations Manager

  • Choice line from his bio: His worst case scenario on a desert island is a Kardashian. Fair enough, though I think it would depend which one. As long as there are no cucumbers, amirite?
  • We need to hear more about: His past career in vandalism. (He once egged a gym teacher’s house in high school.) Maybe he has a problem with authority. Watch yer back, Harrison.  
  • Draftability: 4/10

Vinny | age: 28 | Barber

  • Choice line from his bio: I actually LOLed when I read his response to what he won’t do for love. He would do anything for love, except use turkey meat. Don’t fuck with Vinny’s meatballs.
  • We need to hear more about: That time he “surprised his boys in Mexico” when he was 16. Real talk: I thought the question was “What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done?” instead of “What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” At first I was like #respect.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Wells | age: 31 | Radio DJ

  • Choice line from his bio: Ok, his description of his perfect date IS kind of perfect. Admittedly, I stopped really reading after tacos (didn’t really need to hear more), but I think I saw something about wine and Otis Redding in there too. Call me, Wells.
  • We need to hear more about: Why he doesn’t like pizza. Why are you hurting us like this, Wells?
  • Draftability: 9/10

Will | age: 26 | Civil Engineer

  • Choice line from his bio: He hates it when his date talks about heavy stuff too soon. Good thing he’s not the Bachelor, since that show is basically just a race to see who can exploit their personal hardships for feigned sympathy and camera time. Let’s never forget Olivia’s cankles.
  • We need to hear more about: His dance moves. I want so badly to give him some points for Bernie-ing.  
  • Draftability: 8/10

 

Which prospect is looking the best to draft? Who’s your prediction for the season villain? Let us know in the comments.

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Jul 28 2015
10 Comments
Points: Season 11

Season 11: Finale Points

Well, Nick, you win some, you lose some. Or you lose them all, actually. Sorry, buddy. But a big ol’ Mazel Tov to K + S. We hope to see you on many more People magazine covers together. Though Nick did not receive the final rose, he still pulled in some serious pointage last night, proving once and for all that homie knows how to play this game.

 

  • Nick V.: 145 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family (15 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Wildcard points: Being the first guy to ask for Kaitlyn’s dad for his blessing (50 points)
  • Shawn B.: 160 points
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

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Jul 07 2015
12 Comments
Points: Season 11

Season 11, Episode 8: Points

I’m putting this in writing: if Ben doesn’t win in the end, I’m moving back to Denver to find him and kiss his face and body and more.

bodyready

In other news, Shawn needs a yoga class or a Xanax (or both). Nick…whatever. I don’t even care. Here’s where we landed after episode 8:

  • Ben H.: 85 points (stat correction)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Jared: 45 points (stat correction)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Joe: 50 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (3o points)
      • Editor’s note: I had to rewind 4 times to hear him actually say that. Speak clearly, boy.
  • Nick V.: 150 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
      • Editor’s note: Nick said “mind if I grab this lovely lady?,” not “steal her away.” No additional points.
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Shawn B.: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Jun 30 2015
21 Comments
Points: Season 11

Season 11, Episode 7: Points

Welp, this season we’ve got rose ceremonies at the beginning of every episode and Fantasy Suites happening BEFORE hometown dates.

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I never realized how much Chris Harrison resembles Plutarch of The Hunger Games, changing the rules in the Hunger Games arena when he knows Katnissaitlyn has outsmarted him.

You take some unauthorized off-camera time without asking? Oh, okay, we’re gonna GIVE YOU unauthorized camera time. Say goodbye to three dudes this week and march your ass into that Fantasy Suite, toots. It’s like when your mom catches you smoking a cigarette and makes you finish the whole pack in front of her.

Chris Harrison is your mom. Chris Harrison is Plutarch Heavensbee. This is Chris Harrison’s world, and we’re just living in it. Don’t you ever forget it.

Wildcard points would’ve gone to the first person who expressed a desire to go home, but alas, none did.

  • Ben H.: 35 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ben Z.: 20 points (stat correction)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased relative (10 points)
      • Editor’s note: He did ask to “steal [Kaitlyn] away” but he wasn’t interrupting someone’s one-on-one time so it doesn’t count
  • Chris: 95 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
      • Editor’s note: Whoa, dude. 
  • Jared: 30 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • JJ: 50 points (stat correction)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Mentioning a previous wife (10 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Kaitlyn (20 points)
  • Joe: 85 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Telling the Bachelorette he’s falling in love with her (20 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Nick V.: 35 points 
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Shawn B.: 55 points (stat correction) 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Tanner: 0 points

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Jun 23 2015
19 Comments
Points: Season 11

Season 11, Episode 6: Points

Oooh lordy lordy. We made our wildcard points category “doing it with the Bachelorette” based solely off of last week’s coming attractions (double entendre there, folks) and the show delivered. Think we might have to add doin’ it into next year’s regular roto of points categories.

Also, you guys aren’t going to believe this but tornadoes in the Chicagoland area interrupted the Bachelorette AGAIN, albeit briefly. I think for less than five minutes total, but I still might’ve missed something, so please let me know if you think I did.

  • Ben H.: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Ben Z.: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Chris: 45 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (a flower) (5 points)
  • Ian: 30 points
    • Leaving the show on his own accord (30 points)
  • Jared: 85 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • JJ: 25 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Joe: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Joshua: 25 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Justin: 0 points 
  • Nick V.: 110 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Wildcard points: doing it with the Bachelorette (50 points)
  • Shawn B.: 25 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Tanner: 40 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Jun 16 2015
22 Comments
Points: Season 11

Season 11, Episode 5: Points

Last night was pretty eventful in Chicago. The Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup and I lost the battle over the remote to my fiance. Thus, I watched the Bach pretty late, and much to my dismay, some of the episode’s DVRed broadcast was interrupted (briefly) by news coverage of the tornadoes/heavy thunderstorms in the area. I very well might’ve missed a point category or two. Thanks in advance for your patience today! (Much tired. Very sleep. Cannot snark.)

No one received the wildcard points last night; they would’ve gone to the first person who said they needed one-on-one time before the rose ceremony, but there was only one strange, faux-ceremony on a baseball diamond last night so we were screwed. We’ll make next week’s points worth some weight to make up for it.

Onto the points!

  • Ben H.: 85 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ben Z.: 40 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Chris: 25 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
      • Editor’s note: This was tricky but there was one shot of her kissing a man in a maroon jacket that matched what Chris was wearing last night.
  • Corey: 0 points 
  • Ian: 50 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Jared: 55 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
  • JJ: 45 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Joe: 55 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jonathan: 5 points (stat correction)
    • Mentioning his son (5 points)
  • Joshua: 70 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Justin: 25 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Nick V.: 115 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
  • Ryan B.: 0 points
  • Shawn B.: 115 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Tanner: 40 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Tagged , , , , , , , ,
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