Tag Archives: humor

Jun 09 2015
26 Comments
Points: Season 11

Season 11, Episode 4: Points

One villain exits stage left, another enters stage right. We bid adieu to Clint but Nick Viall (of Andi Dorfman’s season) weaseled his way onto yet another season of “The Bachelorette.” I personally get strange vibes from him and I did not care one iota for his airing of, ahem, private matters on the “Women Tell All” two seasons ago.

A lot of you inquired about drafting Nick V. We will score him for those leagues who did indeed draft him early in the season. If your league didn’t draft him (and you’re wishing you did), we decided this was a fair rule: you can draft Nick onto your individual team, but only if you drop two of your players that are still on the show. (Obviously, talk to your league commissioner and decide as a league how you want to proceed.)

Personally, in our league, we’re happy to watch the Nick V. circus without participating, so don’t feel like someone in your league has to draft him.

This week saw the first usage of another new points category this year: riding on a boat (10 points).

Wildcard points went to Tanner, who was overtly negative about his feelings toward Nick V. Jonathan mentioned something about Nick V. being a “dark cloud” but immediately after that, Tanner took the shit-talk to the next level, and that’s the kind of commitment we were looking for.

Onto the points!

  • Ben H.: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Ben Z.: 25 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Chris: 65 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Clint: 0 points
  • Corey: 30 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Ian: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Jared: 85 points
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • JJ: 50 points 
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Joe: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Jonathan: 25 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Joshua: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Justin: 55 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Nick V.: 10 points (stat correction)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Ryan B.: 25 points
    • Being selected go to on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Shawn B.: 25 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Tanner: 45 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Wildcard points: first to say something overtly negative about JJ (20 points)

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Jun 02 2015
53 Comments
Points: Season 11

Season 11, Episode 3: Points

But actually, where do we start? Diapers, gypsy hearts, ball sacs, tampins, bloody snake toilets, romantic bro times (?), villains. I COULD KEEP GOING. This week has brought us the BachFantasy debut of one of our new points categories “Wearing a costume or clothing native to another country,” and A LOT  of blurred out body part points.

  • Ben H.: 75 points
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Ben Z.: 70 points
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chris: 80 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Clint: 60 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Corey: 25 points
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Cory: 0 points
  • Daniel: 0 points
  • Ian: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jared: 105 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Teling the Bachelorette that someone in the house “isn’t here for the right reasons” (30 points)
  • JJ: 55 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Joe: 70 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
  • Jonathan: 35 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Joshua: 60 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wildcard points: first person to talk smack on JJ (25 points)
  • Justin: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette (10 points)
  • Ryan B.: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected go to on a group date (10 points)
  • Shawn B.: 130 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
  • Tanner: 35 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Tony: 105 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Leaving the show on his own accord (30 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (that puny dandelion) (5 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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May 28 2015
1 Comment
Episode Recaps: Season 11

Season 11, Episode 2: Highlight Reel

Think of this as the SportsCenter Top 10, only sluttier. Here is Season 11, Episode 2’s highlight reel:

  1. When we briefly glimpsed what it’d be like to live in ancient Rome and attend gladiator games (if the gladiators wore pastels, loafers, and rope-like statement necklaces).
  2. The underwater photo shoot. Stop trying to make underwater photo shoots happen. They’re not going to happen. underwater-photos-of-dogs-seth-casteel-1
  3. The pure existence of Amy Schumer.
  4. When Amy Schumer had JJ pegged within three minutes of meeting him: “JJ is a great guy. He just lacks charisma, humility, and a sense of humor.” Can she be on all the shows? Let’s overthrow Chris Harrison.
  5. The men performed “stand-up comedy.” That’s really all you need to know.They gave it the ol’ college try, though Tony took a detour through the universe and used his five minutes to wax poetic about the meaning of comedy in the larger context of his life. Classic knee-slapper material.
  6. The prank the boys played on Justin, sending him out to the driveway to check for the mysterious “knocking” noise.Well played, gentlemen. More pranks.
  7. When JJ revealed himself as an early villain by being the first man at the rose ceremony to pull Kaitlyn aside DESPITE him already having a rose and DESPITE the fact the entire mansion agreed that men with roses would defer to those without. They even spit and shook on it. JJ ruffled Tony the Healer’s chakras —and Tony seems like the type of dude who’d find you in another lifetime (whether you’re reincarnated humans or donkeys) and claim you had some negative energy to sort out between the two of you.
  8. Kupah fumbled his way through a conversation to tell Kaitlyn he didn’t know if they had a connection, but also make a case for why he should get a rose? It was the conversational equivalent of this:giphy

Just imagine him yelling: “But you’re pretty and hot and sexy!” as his shoes fly off, and it’s the same.

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May 26 2015
12 Comments
Points: Season 11

Season 11, Episode 2: Points

Cliffhangers are a dang thorn in our behinds. We prefer to tie up each episode neatly with a rose ceremony. ABC has other plans. Next week’s episode will likely have two rose ceremonies.

Some important housekeeping, before we get to points:

  • In Episode 1, I mistakenly awarded 5 points for “mentioning his kid” to Ryan B., who has yet to father any offspring (to the best of our/his knowledge). Those 5 points should’ve gone to Justin. Please update in your spreadsheet accordingly. Mea culpa.

The wildcard points for last night’s episode went to JJ, who Amy Schumer delightfully raked over the coals. (P.S. we announce the upcoming wildcard points category every Sunday/Monday on Twitter.)

  • Ben H.: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Ben Z.: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Chris: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Clint: 55 points (stat correction) 
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Corey: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Cory: 0 points
  • Daniel: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Ian: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jared: 55 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Needing medical attention (20 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette gift: a note (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • JJ: 110 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Mentioning a previous wife (10 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Wildcard points: first person to get made fun of by Amy Schumer (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
    • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
  • Joe: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jonathan: 10 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Joshua: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Justin: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Kupah: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Ryan B.: 0 points
  • Shawn B.: 0 points
  • Tanner: 15 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Tony: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)

Question of the week: What in tarnation is going on with Britt and Brady? Is it a calculated move to prolong her time in the spotlight? Would she have “gone steady” with WHOEVER knocked on her hotel room door? Give us your take in the comments.

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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May 20 2015
27 Comments
Points: Season 11

Season 11, Episode 1: Points

Well, well, well. It’s gonna be #TeamKaitlyn for season 11 of “The Bachelorette.” If you selected Kaitlyn to be the next Bachelorette, good eye. Please award yourself an additional 50 points.

From the looks of the season preview, I stand by what we wrote on Twitter last night:

Screen Shot 2015-05-19 at 9.15.06 PM

Wildcard points were awarded to Tony and Brady, respectively. You’ll see them below, incorporated within the rest of the points. How are your teams doing so far?

  • Ben H.: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ben Z.: 35 points
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Bradley: 0 points
  • Brady: 50 points
    • Wildcard points: first one to express a preference for one of the Bachelorettes (20 points)
    • Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
  • Chris: 35 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Clint: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: drawing of Chris Harrison (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Corey: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Cory: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Daniel: 30 points
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • David: 5 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Ian: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jared: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • JJ: 40 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: a hockey puck (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Joe: 30 points (stat correction)
    • Gives the Bachelorette a gift: moonshine (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jonathan: 35 points 
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Josh: 35 points
    • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Joshua: 35 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: steel rose (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Justin: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: balloons (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Kupah: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ryan B.: 25 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ryan M.: 20 points
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Shawn B.: 50 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: note from nephew (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points)
  • Shawn E.: 5 points
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Tanner: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Gives the Bachelorette a gift: tissues (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Tony: 50 points
    • Wildcard points: first one to express discontent that his Bachelorette was not chosen (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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May 15 2015
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Episode Recaps: Season 11, Points: Season 11

Researching Your Picks: A Guide to Drafting Your “Bachelorette” Season 11 Fantasy Team

ABC waited until the 11th hour to post these cast bios. You know there’s one lone summer intern running around and pressing buttons in the control room.

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Here’s our insider guide to who we think you should draft for your Bachelorette fantasy league teams, based strictly on their online bios. Bear with us. This year’s crop of contestants is like a kindergarten classroom where everyone shares three names, so the entire roster is First Name Last Initial.

Ben H. | age: 26 |software salesman | Denver, CO

Choice line from his bio: On marriage: “It is a total sacrifice.” He sounds ready for this.

We need to hear more about: What he’s got planned for that “quiet place in the woods,” because it sounds like the ideal location for a murder. If a Bachelorette gets murdered in the woods, and Chris Harrison isn’t there to remind them to say their goodbyes, did it even happen?

Draftability: 8/10

Ben Z. | age:26 | Fitness Coach | San Jose, CA

Choice line from his bio: He’d have lunch with his mom because he’d “take any extra second he can get with her.” It sounds like there is a sad story behind that answer. I’m sure he won’t choose to tell it at an opportune moment for maximum Emotional Connection to Bae.

We need to hear more about: why he openly refers to himself as “calculated.” That’s not a good thing, brah.

Draftability: 7/10

Bradley | age: 25 | International Auto Shipper | Atlanta, GA

Choice line from his bio: Bradley wants to be Tom Brady so he can play in an NFL game and “then go home to Gisele.” Like, fine, samesies, but maybe don’t tell that to your potential future girlfriend. Suspended 4 dates for putting his foot in his mouth.

We need to hear more about: Just how serious his sarcasm skillz are. He’s talking big game, but we’ll be the judges here.

Draftability: 8/10

Brady | age: 33 | Singer-Songwriter | Nashville, TN

Choice line from his bio: He’s jealous AF of pre-divorce Gwyneth Paltrow. Listen to the dude wax poetic about Chris Martin, the person he admires most in the world for his “creativity, humility, charisma, and wit.”

We need to hear more about: why he looks like Jimmy Fallon’s Nickelback-loving little brother.

Draftability: 2/10

Chris | age: 28 | Dentist | Nashville, TN

Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear is that the girl “tries to eat his food.” Brady and I share this fear. I get it, man. L’eggo my E’ggo.

We need to hear more about: Obviously how he ended up on national TV in his underwear. Was it accidental? Did he lose a bet? Was he participating in some sort of televised amateur stripping competition? I really hope it’s that last one.

Draftability: 4/10. Idk, he seems kind of vanilla.

Clint | age: 27 | Architectural Engineer | Chicago, IL

Choice line from his bio: For a day, he’d want to be “Chuck Norris, for obvious reasons.” Um, 2007 called. It wants its meme back. (Also, while you have 2007 on the phone, please tell it to prevent Britney from staging her comeback at the VMAs.)

We need to hear more about: his word vomit. He’s afraid of saying too much on a date. Once you pop, the fun don’t stop.

Draftability: 3/10

Corey | age: 30 | Investment Banker | New York City, NY

Choice line from his bio: The investment banker admires “everyone who truly does what they love everyday.” Dang, that’s a thinly veiled cry for help. Corey, you didn’t have to go on the Bachelorette just to get out of investment banking.

We need to hear more about: his superpower. Again, it’s revealing. Corey wants “the ability to do everything I wanted without needing sleep or losing my health and fitness.” Corey. Babe. You don’t have to work 110 hours a week anymore. You made it to the Bachelorette ranch. Go have a margarita with Chris Harrison.

Draftability: 4/10

Cory | age: 35 | Residential Developer | Pearland, TX

Choice line from his bio: Cory’s afraid of finding out his date “is really a dude.” Really? that’s the WORST thing that could happen to you?

We need to hear more about: Why he would waste the opportunity to be anyone else in the world, on being someone he already was. Cory would choose to be “his younger self” for a day. Cool.

Draftability: 5/10

Daniel | age: 28 | Fashion Designer | Nashville, TN

Choice line from his bio: The best present he’s ever received is “support and love.” That’s nice. And definitely a lie.

We need to hear more about: This off-brand Shia LaBeouf’s career as a fashion designer. Does he get inspo from his doppleganger? TBD.

Shia-Labeouf-Dancing-Russian-Style-on-The-Set-Of-a-Movie-Wearing-Purple-Pants

Draftability: 4/10

David | age: 26 | Real Estate Agent | Orlando, FL

Choice line from his bio: Eh. Slim pickins. He may be that rarest of Bachelor contestants—a normal civilian. Which means he’ll be packing his bag in about two weeks.

We need to hear more about: his crazy exes. I hope his “biggest fear: bumping into an ex who makes a scene” is juicy foreshadowing.

Draftability: 5/10

Ian | age: 28 | Executive Recruiter | Los Angeles, CA

Choice line from his bio: Ian’s biggest date fear is a girl who “can’t hold a conversation.” Luckily, ABC gives everyone on this show a script that just repeats the words “journey, incredible, scared, and rest of my life” in varying combinations. It’s like a maddening verbal factorial.

We need to hear more about: the “romantic” clock he made. I’m no diva, but I don’t know how I feel about getting a clock, handmade or not, for Valentine’s Day. Actually, I do know. I don’t want it. Chocolates, por favor.

Draftability: 7/10

Jared | age: 26 | Restaurant Manager | Warwick, RI

Choice line from his bio: He “doesn’t really have any” date fears. I respect that.

We need to hear more about: Whether he is going to turn into a werewolf at the next full moon. Idk, he just has that face.

Draftability: As a human: 6/10, as a werewolf: 6/10

JJ | age: 32 | Former Investment Banker | Denver, CO

Choice line from his bio: See how much happier he is now that he’s a former investment banker? JJ is future-Corey. Chilling out in Denver, toking every day, prank calling his former coworkers on Wall Street.

We need to hear more about: His apparent gambling addiction?

Draftability: 8/10

Joe | age: 28 | Insurance Agent | Columbia, KY

Choice line from his bio: He’d have lunch with his “grandmother who just passed away this last December. Just because I miss her.” That’s some sweet shit right there. I just got a cavity.

We need to hear more about: his five-year plan. “I’m a man that takes life one day at a time” is the statement of someone who has no idea what he’s doing at 6 p.m., let alone next week or next year.

Draftability: 7/10.

Jonathan | age: 33 | Automotive Spokesman | Detroit, Michigan

Choice line from his bio: None. I’m bored.

We need to hear more about: his actual job. Being an “automotive spokesman” in Detroit is like saying you’re on the board of tourism for Pyongyang, North Korea. Pics or it didn’t happen.

Draftability: 5/10

Josh | age: 27 | Law Student/Exotic Dancer | Chicago, Illinois

Choice line from his bio: If he could have lunch with anyone in the entire world, he picks HIMSELF twenty years from now. Good lawd. There’s enjoying your own company and then there’s Josh, self-appointed Most Interesting Man in the Room.

We need to hear more about: Sorry for burying the lede. EXOTIC. DANCER. Hell fucking yeah, ABC, now we’re cooking with gas.

uyW5583

Draftability: 3/10

Joshua | age: 31 | Industrial Welder | Kuna, ID

Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear? “My mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow.” That’s either a) something that happened to him once in junior high or b) an actual fear because he lives with his mom.

We need to hear more about: his job. It sounds lumbersexual as hell. (Pssst, hey boi, I’ve got something for you to weld…)

Draftability: 9/10

Justin | age: 28 | Fitness Trainer | Naperville, IL

Choice line from his bio:If our boy Justin here could be someone else for a day (reminder: the parameters are ANYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE PHYSICAL UNIVERSE), he chooses: “Someone from a less privileged area or country. It would be an eye-opening/humbling experience.” To Justin, anyone outside the bubble of Naperville, Illinois is less privileged. Also, you can have that experience literally any day of any week. It’s called volunteering.

We need to hear more about: His business. He wants to own a training company that uses trainers to train other…trainers? I don’t know.

say crack again

Draftability: 5/10

Kupah | age: 32 | Entrepreneur | Boston, MA

Choice line from his bio: When asked what marriage means to him, Kupah rattled off a string of incoherent words he’s read on Dove chocolate wrappers over the years. “FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER. Team, companion, friend. Mates, support, trust, balanced.” I think this answer was translated from English to Japanese, then back to English again.

We need to hear more about: the origin of that name. I hope his friends and family call him Supah Dupah Wicked Pissah Kupah in a raging Boston accent.

Draftability: 3/10

Ryan B. | age: 32 | Realtor| Wellington, FL

Choice line from his bio: He “meant to send a pic to [his] girlfriend and accidentally tweeted it.” DICK PIC FTW.

We need to hear more about: Definitely NOT the time he rode his bike from Florida to California to rescue a dog. That’s just poor logistical planning, and you know even the rescue dog was like, “Ugh, really? Florida?”

Draftability: 6/10

Ryan M. | age: 28 | Junkyard Specialist | Kansas City, MO

Choice line from his bio: He says being married is about “bringing new life into this world.” Okay, Jim Bob Duggar, let’s pump the brakes.

We need to hear more about: his occupation as a junkyard specialist. I feel like that’s a euphemism for a sex addict. Besides, America already has a favorite junkyard dog.

The Sandlot

Draftability: 3/10

Shawn B. | age: 28 | Personal Trainer | Windsor Locks, CT

Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear is “not being interested and not being able to get out of the date.” Twenty bucks this dude leaves on his own accord.

We need to hear more about: the fact that there are two men named Shawn on this show.

Draftability: 9/10

Shawn E. | age: 31 | Amateur. Sex. Coach. | Ontario, Canada

Choice line from his bio: His “ultimate date” sounds absolutely exhausting. Skydiving, followed by swimming in the ocean, followed by a hot tub, followed by doing it ‘til dawn.

We need to hear more about: his tenure as an amateur sex coach. Because of course the guy with the choker necklace is an amateur sex coach.

Draftability: 1/10 (but he could be the token weirdo that the Bachelorette is contractually obligated to keep way belong his expiration date)

Tanner | age: 28 | Auto Finance Manager | Kansas City, MO

Choice line from his bio: His biggest fear is his “date not liking [him] as much as [he] likes her” which is sweet, vulnerable, and just a pinch of Stage 5 Clinger.

We need to hear more about: his boozehound date. There’s a story there, and I’m all ears.

giphy

Draftability: 8/10

Tony | age: 35 | Healer | St. Louis, MO

Choice line from his bio: He’s so coy about his job as a professional healer. You know, just slavin’ away at that 9 to 5, healing necks and cashing checks.

We need to hear more about: his delightful zig-zag part.

Draftability: 2/10

Chris Harrison | age: exact birth date unknown | TV therapist | in a rose garden, California

We need to hear more about: Chris Harrison has written a romance novel and it is being published on May 19. He is a Renaissance man. He is a rose among thorns.

Draftability: 10/10

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May 12 2015
28 Comments
Episode Recaps: Season 11, Points: Season 11

Welcome to “The Bachelorette” Fantasy League, Season 11

It feels like just yesterday that we were romping in the hay, joking about plowing fields and inseminating hogs. And yet here we are, another season upon us. Now, Kaitlyn and Britt get the privilege of competing with each other first, before one of them decides to let a tanktop-wearing meathead put a ring on it after six weeks. Hey now. Hey now. This is what dreams are made of.

If you’re a returning BachFantasy-er, welcome back. If you are new, where the hell have you been? We’ve been waiting for like, 3 years, and you never even texted that you were running late. God.

Keep reading for an overview of how to start your very own Bachelorette Fantasy league.

How Our Bachelorette Fantasy League Works

1) Gather your “Bachelorette”-loving friends and choose a League Commissioner. The Commissioner is responsible for tallying league members’ points each week and sharing the standings with the league.

2) Choose how your league is going to run your draft (read more on that below) and submit your contestant picks to your league commissioner.

3) Watch “The Bachelorette” every Monday night, beginning May 18th on ABC.

4) Visit this blog every Tuesday morning to see how each of your contestants scored. The league commissioner should add up the point totals for each team in order to figure out the weekly rankings. You can use our scoring template to keep track of your league members’ scores.

Click here to download our new scoring template: BachFantasy – Season 12 – Britt and Kaitlyn.

A Special Note About “The Bachelorette” Season 12

Every once in a while, ABC goes out for margaritas, tosses a few too many back, stumbles home drunk, eats his roommate’s banana bread, and pisses all over the finely calibrated perpetual motion machine that is The Bachelor franchise. That’s the only explanation for what’s happening.

We have two Bachelorettes this season: Britt and Kaitlyn. We’re assuming that the male contestants will choose which Bachelorette they want to rappel down cliffs with, and the loser will be sent packing on night one.

But there’s no way to be sure, is there?

So here’s the deal: when you draft your five contestants, select a Bachelorette too. If you pick the right gal, you’ll earn an extra 50 points in episode two. If the men don’t select a Bachelorette in the first episode, then we’ll wait ’em out, and award points when the Bachelorette is chosen .

Until a Bachelorette is chosen, the men will then receive points for interactions with either lady.

The Draft

You have a few options when it comes to drafting your Bachelorette fantasy league team team of five contestants. Click here to read more about how to draft your team.

Also: we’re axing the mid-season draft this year. We tried it for the first time for Chris Soules’ season and the enthusiasm was tepid, like this cup of tea I’ve been nursing for 45 minutes. So we’re 86ing it. Peeved? Sound off in the comments.

Points Categories

When picking contestants, choose your own adventure. Do you want a team of escapees from the funny farm? Do you want to stack your team with the stage 5 clingers? Variety is the spice of life. Do you. 

Points are divided into Phrases, Actions, and Roses. We’ve added a few new points categories this year. We will continue with a new wildcard point category each week to keep things fresh throughout the season!

Phrases

  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiancee or wife (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Telling the Bachelorette that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (30 points)

Actions

  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Bonus: using the phrase “steal [the Bachelorette] away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Singing/playing an instrument for the Bachelorette (5 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Must be sitting on the ground
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Must actually see moisture fall
  • Having a secret girlfriend at home (25 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
    • Only for nudity; having your mouth blurred for profanity doesn’t count
  • Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
  • Drafting the next Bachelor on your team (40 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Roses

  • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points, only available first night)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Refusing the Fantasy Suite (-75 points)
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

Wildcard Points

Each week, we’ll announce the upcoming wildcard category for the week. It will change weekly and is only awarded to one guy per episode. For example, one wildcard category might be: the first guy to be shown on camera shirtless this week gets 40 points.

Scoring

We’ll score each episode for you and post each contestant’s scores every Tuesday morning. Be sure to check back every Tuesday to see how your teams are stacking up against one another! We’ll also be posting an episode recap for those of you can’t get enough Bach.

Will you be joining us this season? Let us know your league or individual team name in the comments! (We like puns.)

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Mar 10 2015
7 Comments
Points: Season 19

Season 19, Episode 11: Points

Another season down the corn silo, folks! Who won in your league? Any upsets? I think Whitney was the most excited winner in the show’s history. I half-expected her to chew up that final rose and swallow it. But dagnabbit if I don’t believe in their love. My jagged edges are being sanded down with each passing year.

ALSO: can we talk about the double dose of Bachelorettes? Becca put it best in a tweet last night:

Screen Shot 2015-03-09 at 11.42.59 PM

Throw us a frickin’ bone here, ABC. Okay, here are the points from last night’s finale.

  • Becca: 55 points (stat correction)
    • Kissing Chris (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Saying, “I’m falling for you” to Chris (20 points)
  • Whitney: 200 points
    • Kissing Chris (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for him” to the camera (20 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to Chris (30 points)
    • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

Bonus Points for Having Drafted the Next Bachelorette 

  • Britt: 40 points
    • Being chosen as the next Bachelorette (40 points)
  • Kaitlyn: 40 points
    • Being chosen as the next Bachelorette (40 points)

Don’t forget to check back in with us before the Bachelorette: 2 Hot 2 Handle kicks off, and tell your Bach-lovin’ friends about us, too. Thanks so much for playing along. It’s been a pleasure!

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Mar 03 2015
15 Comments
Points: Season 19

Season 19, Women Tell All: Points

“Can I just say something?” Too bad that question wasn’t a points category because I heard it about 35 times from the peanut gallery last night.

Nothing was really clarified, though. I don’t think Kaitlyn, Britt, or Jade got the closure they were hoping for from Chris. Carly emerged as a pseudo-villain. Ashley S., fresh off her onion farm, pranced around the stage. I’d love to get her going on a “9/11 was an inside job” rant. Kelsey cemented her role as the least sympathetic widow in the history of television. Chris Harrison wrote a romance novel (?) that I’d only consider buying to be ironic.

In other words, it was classic Bach.

Remember, these points are optional, and you can choose in your league if you want to award them to your teams post mid-season draft or from episode 1.

  • Ashley S.: 25 points
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
  • Britt: 65 points
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Asking Chris Soules why he got rid of her (15 points)
  • Carly: 30 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Apologizing to another contestant (5 points)
  • Jade: 65 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Asking Chris Soules why he got rid of her (15 points)
  • Kaitlyn: 40 points
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Asking Chris Soules why he got rid of her (15 points)
  • Kelsey: 75 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Apologizing to another contestant (5 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Mentioning a previous fiance or husband (10 points)
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
  • Megan: 10 points
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Trina: 20 points
    • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
    • Editor’s note: she said, “It’s the Bachelor; you’re not here to make friends!” but it’s damn close so we’re giving it to her.

 

You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Feb 27 2015
2 Comments
Points: Season 19

Introducing (Optional) “Women Tell All” Special Points Categories

Based on popular opinion from last season, we’re going to score the “Women Tell All” episode this year. It’s completely optional, so if you decide not to award these points in your league, ain’t no thang.

We’ve decided to only award points to the contestants belonging to each team AFTER the mid-season draft. Some of you pointed out that it seems like we’re punishing people who drafted well (i.e. have Whitney and Becca remaining on their teams and thus don’t have an opportunity to score as many points in the Women Tell All). We’re actually hoping that this gives teams who aren’t doing as well a chance to catch up and make the finale even more exciting in your leagues.

If you disagree, feel free to award points to the original teams you drafted. Talk to your commissioner and just make sure you’re all on the same page.

Onto the fun stuff!

Y’all submitted some terrific points categories. We culled through the list and pulled out our favorites. Here’s what we’ll be scoring during the Women Tell All (in addition to the regular points):

  • Entering a guess as to who will win the show (5 points)
  • Apologizing to another contestant (5 points)
  • Mentioning a new romantic interest in her life (10 points)
  • Asking Chris why he got rid of her (15 points)
  • Admitting that feelings still remain for Chris (20 points)
  • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)

No wildcard points for this episode. Good luck!

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