Bach Fantasy

Opening scene: Boatload of bros, wearing shirts the color of sherbet, sail into a Venetian harbor. They collectively whoop and holler when they see Piazza San Marco, as if it were a woman who just flashed her sweater puppies at them. A few hundred miles south, the Pope shudders involuntarily and doesn’t know why.

Andi greets them near a canal. They do a long, drawn-out bit in which Andi announces the first date begins NOW, and various contestants begin musing to the camera that it will definitely be Cody’s date because he is the only one who hasn’t gotten a one-on-one yet. I speak fluent Bachelorese, so I understood that this means Cody is totally fucked.

The one-on-one date goes to Nick, and I feel drunk with power and knowledge. Nick flashes a turd-eating grin and pretty much cannonballs into a nearby gondola to play Casanova for Andi. For the first time in this season (but not the last time in this episode), I feel bad for Mackleroid. Andi then helpfully reminds the viewers that this is her journey for love, and not these effing Crayola-hued bros’ journey so everyone can go pound it. I bet she’ll be a total dream to plan a wedding with.

Renee from Juan Pablo’s season interrupts our lovefest to deliver a wooden performance during an infomercial about the benefits of using Suave shampoo. “Wow, Marcus. I wish I had this look on the show,” she montones, reading off a teleprompter with her eyes half-closed.

The boys then do their own infomercial for the glorified Super 8 Motel that they’re staying at in Venice. I believe it’s Josh who says unenthusiastically, “Look at these amenities: the balcony. Look at this view.” The camera pans to a busted rooftop and more hotels. Try harder.

One-On-One Date with Nick

Nick and Andi stroll around Venice and eat pizza in an alley where someone likely peed the night before. They let pigeons land on their heads because they’ve seen movies where other boneheads do that in Italy. They’re rowed around in the gondola. This is my nightmare job: rowing tourists around canals while they attempt to suck each other’s faces off. Pass.

They change into their black-tie formalwear (which one always packs when one travels to Europe) and meet up again. Andi rows up to Nick in a gondola holding up one of those sequined masks. It’s already played out and we’re three seconds into this date. Andi confronts Nick about the House Dramz, re: the other bois hating on him. Andi needs her bae to be liked by everybody. She straight-up asks him, “Do you think you’re the frontrunner?”

He dances around the question with a non-answer, passes the interview, and gets the rose. They don sequined masks and go to a masquerade “ball,” which consists entirely of the two of them.

Andi gets a note from her secret admirer, Chris Bukowski, who’s been riding around in gondolas shouting her name and attempting to track her down so he can introduce her to his good friend, a chloroform-soaked handkerchief. Then Josh, Brian, Dylan, Marcus, JJ, and Chris get the group date, which means Cody will finally get his first one-on-one.

Group Date

The boys visit Castello de Monselice, which Andi’s dad Hy has rented out as an interrogation chamber, a la Gitmo. Andi introduces Tony Soprano and his associate Silvio Dante who will administer a lie detector test. The color drains from most of the dudes’ faces. I’m strangely excited for the first time in many episodes.

Josh panics about all the biddies he’s banged back in his “pro” baseball days and talks strategy about how to beat the lie detector. It’s exactly like watching a panicky employee after being told he’s about to be randomly drug tested. “Dude, pee in this cup for me! Seriously, dude, you have to!”

Dylan reveals that he doesn’t wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom and that he’s slept with more women than he has fingers and toes. I cringed because everyone else’s embarrassing answers seemed to end up on the cutting room floor. C’mon producers, at least spread the humiliation around. Dylan fakes a stomach ache to go back to the hotel so he doesn’t have to see Andi’s reaction to the test results. After he leaves, Tony Soprano delivers the packet o’ lies and she decides she’s going to rip them up. Bo-ring. I wanna know Josh’s number.

They go to dinner and Josh gets super-sketchy and tells Andi how happy he is that she ripped up the lie detector results. He feeds her the same old BS lines (it’s like a Madlib with the words “trust” and “like”) and she calls him on it. Chris the Farmer reveals that he’s the secret admirer who’s been writing her letters but stays mum about the fact that he’s been engaged before. He gets the rose. JJ needlessly freaks out about the potential of going home tomorrow. Foreshadowing.

One-on-One Date with Cody

Andi tries to think of something nice to say about Cody before their one-on-one date in Verona and the best she can come up with is: “His eyes are so green! They pop!” I laughed. Rut roh. He’s like a big, sweet, dumb dog, who’s super enthusiastic but not firing on all cylinders. So of course he gets the date where they have to respond to letters addressed to Juliet. I was genuinely afraid that he wouldn’t be able to read or write. But he proved me wrong; he actually wrote a really sweet response and seemed like a genuine and kind dude under all those sinews and veins.

It was downright cruel watching Cody and Andi’s dinner unfold. Homeboy needs a lesson in body language. Cody’s talking about bringing her home to meet his parents, rolling around with her (?), how she’s going to fall even more in love with him as time goes on…and Andi’s literally crying and not making eye contact. She flips the switch on the electric chair, and Cody leaves on a surprisingly dignified note. I hope he finds a kind woman to guard that puppy dog heart of his.

Even with Cody gone, Andi still has one cut left to make. Since she ripped up the lie detector results, she has no idea that Dylan is walking around with pee-stained hands most of the time, so he makes it through for another week (though we predict it will be his last). In the end, she lets JJ go. It’s probably for the best—now he can spend more time with his pants.

T-minus two weeks til Hometown Dates. Let the Hunger Games begin,

J

We’re back, everyone, and we’re in Marseille. The bros immediately exhaust their French vocabulary shouting “BONJOUR!” and “MERCI!” as they run through the streets of Marseille. A French date card arrives, and JJ no comprende. Gaston, er, Josh, is the lucky guy to score some one-on-one time with Mademoiselle Andi.

But, first, Chris Harrison interrupts this broadcast for a pointless interview with Andi, during which she confesses that she is falling in love AND with more than one guy. Phew. Surely the producers have legally required her to fall in love with no fewer than three men after the disaster that Juan Pablo caused with his lukewarm feelings and jackassery.

Josh and Andi cruise the Mediterranean out to some rock formation with a view that isn’t ugly. Andi shares with us that she is feeling cautious with Josh because she’s been burned by professional athletes she’s dated before. I’m so sure. (Side note: this is the female equivalent of a dude saying, “Yeah, I’ve dated a couple models and actresses before.”) Josh drops in the most obnoxious #humblebrag ever about only being a “second round pick,” and Andi indulges it. Barf. Barf on all of it.

They really bach-ed it up on this date—private boat ride, chatting on a mountain-like formation, dinner at a palace, and a private concert. All that ca$h money they saved by frolicking in a WNBA arena in Connecticut was blown on this one date. To put the cherry on top of this cliche sundae, Andi decides now is the time to talk about Feelings and Past Relationships, in the shallow way only Bachelor contestants know how. She declares today the day she figures Josh out, because a thorough character assessment usually only takes a few hours.

I’ve always found that the most reliable way to know if someone is a shitty person is to simply ask them. Shitheads are notoriously honest about their own shitheadiness. She essentially asks him, he says no, and then they smooch. She knows he isn’t under oath, right? Where is her lawyer windbreaker now? Anyway, case closed?

While Andi and Josh are on their date, a storm is a-brewin’ back at the Bro Chateau. JJ and Nick share with Marquel that they overheard Andrew refer to Marquel and Ron as “blackies” during an earlier rose ceremony. Marquel is understandably upset by this and debates whether or not to confront Andrew. He decides to hold off until after the group date.

Lucky for Marquel, the group date involves miming, which is up there with punching things and screaming into a pillow as an anger relief technique. Les bros continually talk about how bad they are at miming, which is really the only proof point we need that they’re bad mimes. The first rule of miming is that you never talk about miming.

We all know that it’s only a matter of time before they take this act to the streets because: duh. They’re all very nervous because, as Patricks reminds us, “The French take their miming very seriously.” Do they, though? No wonder this show is consistently accused of racism; the producers always attempt to distill other cultures down to one outdated stereotype.

Marquel turns out to be a very talented mime, Cody mimes hitting on a very underage girl , and Nick is a whiny baby because he doesn’t want to mime and wants to be alone with Andi. This is The Bachelorette, Nicholas. Your girlfriend is going to have ten other boyfriends and you will be expected to publicly humiliate yourself. Shut up and nut up.

It’s time for the drinking portion of the date (Andi’s favorite). JJ, the most cheerful pantsapreneur this show has seen, sneaks Andi out for a quick ferris wheel ride and it’s pretty cute. However, things are heating up with the rest of the guys, because Cody just can’t take any more of Nick parading around the house like he’s the frontrunner for Andi’s heart. Nick could not care less that anyone thinks he is kind of a smug dick, probably because he IS a front runner and Mackleroid could not be less of a threat. Nick’s indifference only fuels Cody’s roid rage. And you wouldn’t like Cody when he’s angry…

Cody can barely contain himself when he gets one-on-one time with Andi and starts blabbing about Nick before Andi even sits down. Andi confronts Nick about this, and admits he mocked Cody. Now what? Ugh, do we even care. I need more wine.

Andi wonders to the camera if Nick is just being manipulative by readily owning up to the teasing, which is a fair question and one of the more astute insights a Bachelorette has made on this show. Nick doesn’t let her entertain that thought too long and distracts her with some original writing. It’s the verbal equivalent of “Look! Something shiny!” He reads her a poem (is it a poem?) and Andi slips him some tongue. That’s how every poetry reading I’ve ever attended has ended, too.

Marquel approaches Andrew about the alleged racist comments he made. Andrew nervously laughs and vehemently denies ever saying anything like that. It’s as uncomfortable as you’d expect it to be, and not incredibly productive in the end. Marquel doesn’t push it much further, and handles the whole thing pretty maturely. #MarquelForBachelor

JJ gets the rose on the group date. IS89sfggg09ipofdk0. I’m sorry, I just fell asleep on my keyboard. Let’s move on.

It’s finally time for Brian’s one-on-one date with Andi, after he had nothing but ‘net on the Connecticut group date. Things start off well—they promote a new movie, whose name I already forget, by eating popcorn and cuddling in a quaint French “movie theater.” The best part of this date is Brian trying to stifle his laughter at the flaccid piece of asparagus they show on the screen at one point. I laughed too, Brian. Call me.

Because the people in the movie cooked and fell in love, Andi and Brian have to cook in order to fall in love, too. It’s really that simple. They stroll through the French markets, pick up some sea urchins and frog legs, which are widely accepted as aphrodisiacs, and head back to the kitchen to cook a romantic meal.

During this part of the date, Brian flatlines a bit. He is clearly stressed about cooking this meal, and according to Andi doesn’t sneak in enough kisses or pay enough attention to her. Forgive the guy for not sneaking up behind you for a kiss while you were wielding a butcher’s knife. Also, maybe let Brian be a normal human male who is capable of experiencing a wide range of emotions and thoughts? Not an automatron set to smile, kiss, tell her this journey is incredible, repeat.

Once he’s got a hot meal in him (not the one they cooked, that one tasted like garbage), Brian comes back to life. He relies on his tried-and-true tactic of pulling Andi by the hand to a second location and kissing her. It works. He gets the rose.

Back at base camp, Andi’s hair is full of secrets. She tells Chris Harrison that she doesn’t need a cocktail party. Her mind is made up—she is dropping the guillotine on THREE dudes tonight.

We say goodbye to Patrick (ok, bye, who cares), Andrew (no one will miss you), and Marquel (NO PLEASE), and Cody hangs on for another week. File that under “Things I Don’t Get,” along with how the internet works and why Steve Harvey is famous.

“We got our mime on our money and our money on our mime”,
-B, J, and K

Houston, this is Bach Fantasy. We have bros.

Season 19 starts like all other seasons: montage after montage of the bachelorette doing the look-away. Looking away at work, looking away at home. Hey, there she is looking away at a store! It’s no secret that ABC has this Bach thing down to a formula.

We’re first treated to a “Law and Order” montage of Andi in her billowing DA-windbreaker, peeking in people’s backyards and IDing graffiti as gang activity. She poses and preens in front of a stack of books.

I think the producers are very keen to show that this Bachelorette is “one of us” as opposed to the psychopath they let take a dump on America’s heart last season. Cut to another montage of Andi and her sister giggling and trying on dresses to get ready for this season. Andi: “I could be engaged by summer! Craaaaazy.” Yes, that sounds like someone who is emotionally ready to make a lifelong commitment.

Finally, it’s time for limo introductions. Most of the men seemed like caricatures of real people. Also, it would really help me for scoring purposes if they introduced the men in alphabetical order. Every single dude this season looks like he could be named Chris.

Andi seems to have a thing for tall, dark, and handsome men, including Marcus and Josh M. She repeatedly mentions how cute they are. The Bach Fantasy at-home player should heed these asides.

Cody the Brody “pushes” the limo up the driveway. He’s the Atlas of bro-dom. Cannot believe he got a rose.

Photo Credit: Singing With Light via Compfight cc

I fell in love with Marquel. And then he showered her with milk and cookies later. In his bio, his perfect date is “making cookies and watching Netflix.” Dang, Marquel, the only two times America has seen you, you’ve mentioned cookies. How are you still single?

Rudie tries to win her over by playing his attorney card, but Andi deemed his evidence inadmissable.

Emil tells Andi that his name is basically “anal” with an M, which I bet is a defensive little tactic he’s been using since grade school. When you have a name that sounds like a poop chute, you gotta get ahead of the joke. Lets the bullies know you’re in on it.

Brett the hair stylist/Hamburglar is not straight. Just saying. They give him the creepy Bachelor music when he exits the limo, which means he’ll expire in one of the next two episodes but he’ll at least be entertaining in the meantime.

Craig decides to relive his glory days in Zeta Beta Tau and pops his finest bottle of Andre to supersoak the driveway and the rear windshield of the limo. You know that limo driver was like, “Fuck, come onnnn, dude.”

Nick S., the professional golfer, made sure Andi knew he was a professional golfer by arriving in a Professional Golf Cart. We get it. You’re rich. He wasn’t even paying attention to Andi until she mentioned, “I’ve got a little swing.” Dude went six to midnight.

There was also a brigade of long-haired dudes, including Dr. Jason. We found a childhood photo of him.

And Mike the bartender, who gave a wooden and forgettable performance as Man Who Pretended to Meet Andi in a Bar.

Watching the scenes with Eric is heart-breaking. He’s so sweet and seems like a genuinely good person.

Suddenly, Chris Bukowski from Emily’s season, who has made his career out of debasing himself on ABC’s various reality TV shows, is lurking in the driveway, hoping for a chance to meet Andi. Chris Harrison springs into turbo cock-blocking mode, clearly relishing in this drama. This is why Harrison gets out of bed in the morning.

Andi’s face is priceless when Chris tells her who’s in the driveway and she accidentally reveals that she never watched the show before applying to be on it.. She has no fucking clue who this dude is.

Bukowski admits that he didn’t know when they were filming so he’s been lurking around the Bachelor mansion for SEVEN DAYS. I mean. Alarm bells.

Also, what on earth was he doing for seven days? Hanging in the bushes? Roaming the block? Did he pack snacks? Was he wearing his suit the whole time? And finally, what idiot thinks that a woman he has never met in person is going to be charmed by him trespassing and hunching in the bushes, waiting for a camera crew to roll up?

Back at the cocktail party, Andi plays musical suit jackets while each guy makes his case to earn a rose. She eats some cookies, the bros bro out, and, disappointingly, no one gets too drunk and embarrasses himself.

Andi swoops in to pick up the first impression rose, and every dude salivates with his eyes trained on the rose, waiting to see where she is going with it. Nick V. is the lucky recipient, and he seems sincerely and adorably surprised.

Then it’s rose ceremony time. I always get a little nervous at the first ceremony, imagining how it’s possible to even remember the names of the guys I liked, let alone the entire pack. How these bachelors and bachelorettes don’t just point and wink at the good ones and moo at the bad ones, I’ll never know.

Bros stay and bros leave, and with that we’re under way. Our bachelorette is one step closer to marrying a dude with whom she’ll have spent 24 combined hours.

Hand over the rose cookies and no one gets hurt.
J, B & K