Tag Archives: humor

Feb 08 2016
1 Comment
Episode Recaps: Season 20

Season 20, Episode 5: Recap

People in the Twitterverse are complaining that Ben, is bland but I think he is suffering from a major case of Being Aware That the Camera is Always On. Remember America, it could always be worse.

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The Bachgaggle descends on Mexico. They frolic thru Mexico City with the carefree innocence of people who don’t read the news and have never heard of El Chapo. These broads feel more excited about a hotel room with some queen size beds and a bidet than I’ve felt about anything in my life. And I’ve seen Beyonce thrice.

Amanda gets the first one-on-one. Ben sneaks into the hotel and wakes up the ladies at 3 a.m. Lauren H. is wearing a retainer that she not-so-subtly pulls out when the camera is pushed into her face. (I mean, good for her. Teeth shift as you age and braces are expensive. If Ben’s into frugality, maybe she’ll earn some marks.)

To be honest, I don’t like the mandatory “Sneak in and wake up the ladies early to catch them without makeup!” routine that the Bachelor always does. It feels very, “Let’s look under the hood of this Ferrari and see what we’re REALLY dealing with!”

And you’re kind of screwed either way, right? Either you wear full stage makeup and hair to bed and you look like a tryhard Disney princess, or you go to bed with a washed face like a normal person and Men’s Rights Activists (lollll) explode with glee on Twitter that “HA WE KNEW IT YOU’RE A NORMAL GIRL and women alwayz be trapping men this way!”

Regardless, Amanda is in full makeup. I saw LIPGLOSS. Either a producer tipped her off or she goes to bed camera-ready every night while on The Bachelor. It makes me feel sad.

They go up in a hot air balloon. Amanda talks about her deadbeat ex, who preferred to go out and party in SoCal rather than stay at home with his wife and two young daughters. Not excusing his behavior in any way (don’t have kids if you’re not prepared to be a dad), but he was probably 23 when this all went down. At 23, I could barely keep a houseplant alive let alone a marriage. This is a case of Too Much Too Soon.

The group date heads to a Spanish lesson and then onto a cooking class. “Who doesn’t like to eat food on dates?” asks Ben, to which I answer, “Every contestant on this show, but thanks for trying.”

Olivia is a pariah who does everything short of curb-stomping Jubilee to claim Ben as her cooking partner. She asserts to the camera that she loves Ben and that they have a secret love language all their own. Love is a two-way street and Olivia is hitchhiking all by herself along the side of Higgins Highway.

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The contestants pair off and cook a gourmet meal that will be judged by this cute pair of Mexican chefs who sass the contestants a bit. (“This looks like dog food,” said the female chef, in reference to Olivia and Ben’s creation.) The female chef has the most personality of anyone on this show, and now I want her to be the next Bachelorette.

JoJo prepared a taco dish AND a lengthy monologue positively riddled with innuendo. “My taco is amazing. Ben already tasted my taco and he loved it,” she says with a completely straight face.

Jubilee is in a funk the entire date, which is often the kiss of death. Never brood on the Bach. Ya gotta be on. You have 6.5 days a week to be “off” and a couple of hours mandatory to be “on.” You have to be the Grand Marshal of the Pollyanna parade. It sucks, because it’s not how it is in real life, but them’s the breaks. Accordingly, Jubes is sent home early. Fare thee well, my dear.

In a strange twist, Olivia gets the group date rose. “You don’t even have to say congrats, you don’t even have to say it,” she assures the other contestants, with less self-awareness than my dog.

Lauren H., the low-key racist,  gets the next one-on-one. They casually pop into a Mexican boutique and, before we know it, they are invited to participate in Mexican Fashion Week. It’s almost like it was planned.

Though she is sweet, I’m not sure Lauren H. has emotionally graduated from college. She could still easily pass as the vice president of any sorority, anywhere.

Ben: “Have you ever modeled?” 

Lauren: “Well, I can’t keep a straight face”

That’s not answering the question. No, Lauren H. from Michigan, you have never modeled. Like, just say it, it’s okay. Most of us haven’t either.

“There’s no one here who looks as beautiful as you,” monotones Ben. She wobbles down the catwalk, blinking rapidly but holding her own. From where I stand, the key to modeling (other than letting your hips enter the room about three seconds before the rest of your body) is to give zero fucks. ZERO. You’re so bored. You’re so hot that these unwashed masses are LUCKY that they’re paying to see you strut in front of them.

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Ben served up some Blue Steel realness and he tapped into that slightly cocky, I know I’m hot model face. LET’S DIP INTO THAT WELL MORE, SHALL WE?

Lauren H. shares a “sob story” about some frat bro who cheated on her when she was 19. (So last year…) She gets the rose but she isn’t long for this world.

The cocktail party is a little tense. Olivia keeps rubbing her face with her rose and the girls are not about it. To try and build some goodwill, Olivia responds to Amanda talking about her children by commenting that “it’s like Teen Mom.”

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When Amanda is appropriately offended by this, Olivia backtracks, clarifying that she was talking about the show. Yeah. We got that.

This is the last straw for Emily. She tells Ben that Olivia sucks and Ben is happy because this means they’ve finally reached the point in the season where he is legally allowed to kick Olivia off the show. As the rose ceremony starts, Ben asks if he can speak to Olivia, and the episode ends. The previews from next week tell us we’re going to handing out A LOT of crying points.

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Feb 02 2016
32 Comments
Points: Season 20

Season 20, Episode 5: Points

Vaminos a Mexico! The contestants frolicked through Mexico City with the carefree innocence of people who don’t read the news and have never heard of El Chapo.

Wildcard points would have gone to the first lady to go for a swim (we thought Mexico = beaches or a pool of some sort) and yet no one took a dive. So no wildcard points tonight.

It was also the first cliffhanger of the season (no rose ceremony), poorly timed for our Mid-Season Draft. ALAS, the same thing happened last year so we have a road map. Come back later this afternoon for the official unveiling of the Season 20 Mid-Season Draft Rules & Regs. We out.

  • Amanda (105 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Mentioning her kids (5 points)
    • Mentioning a previous husband (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for Ben” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Becca (50 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelor (30 points)
  • Caila (40 points) 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Ben (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Emily (40 points) STAT CORRECTION 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Jennifer (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • JoJo (20 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Jubilee (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Lauren B. (40 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Ben (20 points)
  • Lauren H. (75 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Leah (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Olivia (80 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for Ben” to the camera (20 points)
      • Editor’s note: she also said “I love Ben” but she only receives points for that if she says “I love you” to Ben himself 
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (a ring; WTF) (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Jan 31 2016
1 Comment
Episode Recaps: Season 20

Season 20 Episode 4: Recap

It’s here: week four of The Olivia Show. Now that Lace is gone, the Reservoir of Crazy has fallen to dangerously low levels. That’s why the producers are forcing Ben at knifepoint to keep Olivia around.

Chris Harrison starts the episode by telling the women that Ben is no longer in LA. A few of them look truly terrified, as if Harrison is some sociopath that came to tell them Ben had been kidnapped with a smile on his face. Others (AKA those who have seen and/or been on this show) recognize this as a clue that they are about to travel somewhere. Turns out it’s Vegas, which is like 4 hours from where they already are.  

The girls arrive at their suite, and find out that JoJo is going on the first one on one date with Ben. She dusts off her best pair of daisy dukes and meets Ben on an expanse of concrete for a glass of champagne. Guys, you’ll never believe this, but a helicopter appears above them. It’s for them! They’re going on a helicopter! The twists and turns on this show, I tell you. In perhaps my favorite moment of the series, the gusts coming off the chopper knock over their champagne table and glasses, and Ben and JoJo duck and cover behind it. #unscripted

I honestly forget what happens on the rest of their date, so that’s how you know that was really good. I’m pretty sure they stood outside somewhere and JoJo showered Ben with gratitude for choosing to spend 3 hours with her this week. They kiss a lot, etc.

This week’s group date has a theme and it’s humiliation (though that’s arguably the theme of this whole show). Ben takes the women to some tourist trap headlined by Terry FartNoise and a bunch of puppets. I’m sure he’s big in the puppet world and all, but his show would be like my 99th choice for a date. I’d prefer Alex Morgan kicking a soccer ball directly at my face over this show.

To make it worse for everyone involved, but mostly the audience of sweet and unsuspecting geriatrics, the girls are each going to perform a “talent” to open the show. Most of the girls choose something silly that clearly communicates they are in on the joke. Olivia chooses to put on a sequined headdress and bikini and perform…something. She hobbles out of a cake and then awkwardly prances around and attempts some high kicks while the rest of us, Ben included, cringe in our seats.

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The point Olivia was trying to make to Ben

Self-awareness is a fickle bitch. On one hand, Olivia wasn’t self-aware enough to stop herself from getting in that cake or wearing that headdress. But then she quickly and accurately identified her post-performance hug from Ben as a pity hug. Right on, girl. Then in the blink of an eye she’s basically telling us that she and Ben are Allie and Noah from The Notebook.

Next, Becca gets a wedding dress and the one-on-one date. Ladies, do not try this at home. Do NOT wear a wedding dress on your first date. This tactic is only to be tried in the alternate Bschelor Universe. Ben and Becca spend the day officiating Vegas weddings, then find a nice cozy spot among a collection of broken down neon signs to discuss their virginities. I can’t think of the last time one of my first dates didn’t end that way.

The next day, Ben decides, is the day when he will both have his first conversations with the twins AND send one of them home. He invites them on a surprise date to their own house. They show Ben their bedrooms, which have not been professionally staged, and we are immediately reminded that these two are 22.

The twins’ mom offers to help Ben decide which of her daughters to dump. She tells him that Emily always gets more attention and that Haley has a hard time opening up and letting her guard down. Fifteen seconds later Ben dumps Haley in front of mom and their four dachshunds. Emily seems sad on the walk from the house to the limo, then starts sucking Ben’s face as soon as they’re in the car. What sister?

The cocktail party this week is relatively uneventful. Olivia apologizes for her Gypsy Rose Lee impression once again while sharing a piece of cake with Ben and antagonizing the other women. In the end, Ben sends home Amber and Rachel packing, honoring his contractual obligation to keep Olivia on the show until the producers decide her shtick is stale.

 

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Jan 26 2016
30 Comments
Points: Season 20

Season 20, Episode 4: Points

 

The Bachelor crew headed to Sin City last night and the producers trotted out all the ol’ Las Vegas standbys: showgirls, Terry Fator and that dang puppet, the Chapel of Love, the Neon Boneyard, Fremont Street…gang’s all here! Wildcard points (15 of ’em) went to JoJo for saying that she “needed” the one-on-one date.

  • Amanda (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Amber (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Becca (70 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Discussing her virginity (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Caila (70 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Wearing a costume native to another  country (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (a cookie) (5 points)
  • Emily (80 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Wearing a costume native to another  country (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Haley (55 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Wearing a costume native to another  country (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Saying “steal Ben away” during said interruption (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Jennifer (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • JoJo (80 points)
    • WILDCARD: First to say she “needs” the one-on-one (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing Ben on the lips (10 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jubilee (40 points) 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Playing an instrument for the Bachelor (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren B. (70 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for him” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Lauren H. (60 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Singing for the Bachelor (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Leah (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Olivia (100 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelor (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Rachel (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

 

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Jan 23 2016
2 Comments
Episode Recaps: Season 20

Season 20, Episode 3: Recap

And just like that, we’re a third of the way into the season of #TheBach. Time flies when you’re drunk.

The first date card comes and one of the remaining Laurens is selected. This Lauren is likeable and sweet and we are universally Happy For Her. She and Ben don some old school Snoopy helmets and take off on a plane the size of the average canoe. Lauren B., a flight attendant, convinces us that she is excited to be flying in this plane with Ben. At least she doesn’t have to passive aggressively remind anyone to return their seat back to an upright position on the date.

They enjoy some beautiful views of the California coast, skywrite the shape of a middle finger over the Bachelor Mansion, and then land in the middle of a brown field with a Jacuzzi™ stuck right in the middle. It’s unclear whether this is the same hot tub that Caila and Ben sampled/Kevin Hart marinated his junk in during the last episode. Don’t look at me for answers; Chris Harrison won’t return my texts.

They also “eat” dinner and dance to music by some middle-aged country band that Ben and Lauren pretend to know and care about. Lauren B. gets the rose and we’re all bored. I’m a fan of Lauren B., but we have way juicier cankles to cover.

Up next is the group date, and it’s the tried and true Sports Showdown date. Superstar Badasses Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara are tapped to coach the two teams. It’s a fruitless effort, since what results is a rat’s nest of arms, legs, and blonde highlights tumbling up and down a soccer field.

In a move NO ONE SAW COMING, the losers have to leave after the game and the winners get to share Ben among five girls instead of 10. Dreams really do come true.

During the post-soccer portion of the date, the women who just earlier had been teammates, (fiercely united by their desire to win five-on-one time with Ben) turn against each other to compete for 90 seconds of conversation with Ben. The girls talk shit about Olivia’s fat toes and I’ve literally never been more interested in what’s happening on my TV. Must. See. The. Toes. Oh, also, Amber gets the rose.

The ladies back at HQ eagerly await the last date card for the week. Because of the least subtle foreshadowing ever, we know this is going to Jubilee. As she preps for the date, it’s clear that she is slightly more anxious than the robots they typically cast on this show.

Ben arrives 20 minutes late, and Jubilee serves him some light sass. If her sass were on a menu at a Mexican restaurant, it would have no more than two chili peppers next to it. The other girls act as if Jubes straight up rocked him in the teeth. To add insult to injury, Jubliee then jokingly offers her date to someone else because she is afraid of helicopters. She may as well have punched Ben in the teeth this time; I think the girls would have reacted more mildly, because apparently, this was deeply offensive.

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On their date, Jubilee is awkwardly charming and REAL. The producers must have forgotten to install her pullstring because instead of reciting the same old script to Ben in between sips of champagne, she jokes around and shares her actual Feelings and Thoughts.

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At dinner, Jubliee shares details of her past with Ben. Unlike some former contestants who discuss tragic events in their lives, Jubliee seems authentic and vulnerable during this conversation, rather than thirsty. Ben digs her, and so do we.

The cocktail party starts on a somber note, as Ben tells the women that he just found out that two family friends were killed tragically in an accident. Most of the ladies stir up all the emotional intelligence they can find to comfort him. Olivia, however, decides this is the right time for her to open up emotionally to Ben. About her cankles. This fool actually got choked up telling Ben about how hard it was to be strong all the time. About her cankles. This is probably a giant red flag that a lifelong partnership with Olivia would be more of a dictatorship. Somehow, though, she is not the most hated girl in the mansion at this point.

The women wasted no time turning against Jubliee after the heinous crime she committed earlier. As Jubliee meanders around the house, just tryna eat snackz and mingle, voiceovers from various women take a mean turn. Two girls walk away to “”fix their lipgloss” as Jubilee approaches to hang, and Lauren H. remarks that she just can’t see Jubliee hanging with the soccer moms and setting up playdates for the kids. Listen, I’m not here to accuse people of being racist; that’s a pretty serious thing to call someone and doing so has consequences. However, this whole series felt unnecessarily aggressive toward Jubilee and the comments about her being unlike the other girls and not Ben’s type were tone-deaf at best. Ok, back to #jokes.

Amber, drunk with the power of the group date rose, leads the charge in cornering Jubliee. Jubilee, uninterested in this foolishness, walks away from the Plastics trying to chew her out for making a joke. Ben figures out that something is up (aka a producer alerted him that someone was crying to move the story along) and tries to comfort Jubilee. Amber, who we now all know is a fucking idiot, decides to approach them both to discuss it. Because guys love this stuff. Ben shuts her shit DOWN and Amber retreats with her tail between her legs.

Amber is safe…for now. The same can’t be said for Lace, who escorts herself off the show to do some work on herself before she enters into a lifelong union. Peace be with her. We also bid adieu to Shushanna and Jami. Another week bites the dust.

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Jan 14 2016
7 Comments
Episode Recaps: Season 20

Season 20, Episode 2: Recap

The mimosas are already flowing on Day Two in the Bachelor Mansion. We’re treated to a number of nonsensical toasts to Ben, with ladies referring to him as the best Bachelor in “the planet of history” and the type of guy who “checks off every single list.” I really hope they were drunk. We break quickly for a gratuitous glimpse at Ben’s junk before returning to the mansion for the arrival of the first group date card.

The first group date is straight outta Grease. The BachGaggle alights on a random high school in urban Los Angeles. Ben puts the ladies through a series of inane tasks in order to crown one gal Homecoming Queen, so he can promptly boot her off the show 85 minutes later.

There’s a science fair. Apple bobbing. A free throw contest. A footrace on the track. It’s some real 1950s shit. If ABC really wanted to go back to high school, there should’ve been a competition to see who can most stealthily smoke a joint in the bathroom stalls without being detected by the ex-military Dean of Students roaming the halls; that’s the kind of fresh hell I was walking in on as a naive high school freshman and recent D.A.R.E. graduate back in 2002.

Unfortunately, every bubble must burst, and whoosh goes the air outta this squeaky clean Marty McFly-in-Back-to-the-Future montage. Geography has been known to take down many an aspiring queen in the recent past, and tonight is no exception.

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Ben asks the ladies to find a cutout of Indiana and place it on a blank map of the United States.

Becca and JoJo place Indiana horizontally, along the East Coast, instead of vertically in the armpit of the Midwest where it belongs. I’m from Illinois, and we call Indiana the road to Michigan, so believe me, I get it. Still it’s not a good look, especially because Ben may have the outline of Indiana tattooed on his (presumably adorable) buttocks. Homeboy loves Indiana.

All is apparently forgiven because JoJo wins the group date. Ben takes her atop a skyscraper in Los Angeles and JoJo says “I’ve never been this high in my entire life.” Guess we’re not counting those weekends at Coachella.

Back at the ranch, another date card is announced and we learn a few unsettling things. Namely, Olivia has a bad case of Snake Jaw. I’m no doctor, but methinks she’s hankering for some TMJ later on in life.

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An astute Twitter follower pointed out that Olivia looks like Princess Bala from Antz.

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Like, THAT is why we’re on Twitter. Well done.

Caila nabs the first one-on-one date of the season but unfortunately for her, it’s a real clearance rack date. Leonardo diCaprio and the grizz from The Revenant were otherwise occupied, so Kevin Hart and Ice Cube join Caila’s solo date to promote The Ride Along 2 (we get the movies we deserve, America). I guess the producers drew a Venn diagram with “People who watch ‘The Bachelor’” and “people who go to movies” and the intersection was The Ride Along 2. Who’s to say?

It wasn’t Kevin nor Ice’s fault but the date was flatter than the four-year-old Diet Coke I once found in my garage. It ended with Kevin, Ice, Caila, and Ben in a model hot tub INSIDE A HOT TUB STORE. Poor Caila.

The second group date takes place at a Love Lab. The ladies are greeted by a “robot” (because: SCIENCE) that looks like Bill Nye Skyping in from an Android phone hooked up to a vacuum cleaner. Realistically, this creation would have gotten a C- in a middle school science class.  

The girls jog on a treadmill for a while and then Ben presses his honker into their sweaty T-shirts to see if he can get a nose full of love pheromones. It’s exactly like the Febreze commercials where the actor smells garbage that’s been spritzed with Febreze and is like, “Okay, wait, wait, I’m detecting notes of raspberry and just…hmm, just the slightest pinch of grass.” He calls Samantha “sour” and I paused my DVR to laugh for two full minutes. Dang, that’s an embarrassing first date story straight out of YM magazine.

Ben and Olivia have off-the-charts chemistry which is readily apparent as they smush their noses together and the other girls watch their heat blobs from the next room. Olivia reacts to this positive attention from Ben with the grace and humility we’ve come to expect from Bach contestants, then unhinges her jaw and swallows a family of rabbits whole.  

At the cocktail party, Lace slurs her words and seeks Ben out repeatedly to assure him that she’s not crazy. “Da Nile ain’t just a rivah in Egypt, guvna!” is something I would say to Lace in a cockney British accent if I was ever on the show. Return my phone calls, ABC.  

Lace tells him a long-winded story about being teased by her dad and her brothers as a child (an experience universal to every human child with a sibling of any gender of any age) and Ben looks repulsed. Regardless, he gives Lace a rose, a decision likely made at knifepoint by a producer. I could hear the celebratory cheers ripple across America from the teams who drafted her. What a contestant.

Ben gives Lauren B. a photo of them on their “first date,” AKA chatting on the steps during the first cocktail party for five minutes. Which means he paid a producer to snap a pic and then print it out for him at Walgreen’s. This is understood to be a thoughtful gesture by both parties and a sign that Ben is interested in keeping her around for the long haul. Just trying to map out the mating rituals to any first time Bachelor viewers.

Amanda confesses that she’s a mom and Ben is sweet about it. But I’m calling it now: no way this 26-year-old wants to be a stepdad to two young toddlers. Amanda’s countdown to launch has begun. Bizarrely, Amanda looks directly into the camera to talk to her toddlers and tells them she loves them. Does she not realize her children won’t see the message until the episode airs…?

The ladies cycle through the usual stages of Rose Ceremony stress: drinking, telling a peer that you need one-on-one time with Ben, drinking more, lamenting to that same peer that you didn’t get enough time with Ben, spying on other ladies as they talk to Ben, and drinking more. In the end, we say goodbye to Samantha, Jackie, LB (she did NOT accept Ben’s rose), and Mandi. One minute you’re a 28-year old Homecoming Queen, the next you’re packing up your crop tops and dental picks and hopping on the next flight to Oregon. Them’s the breaks.

Like our recaps? Let us know in the comments and please share with your Bachelor-loving friends.

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Jan 12 2016
17 Comments
Points: Season 20

Season 20, Episode 2: Points

Good thing we don’t deduct points for not knowing if a state is horizontal or vertical. Headdesk. Also, can you IMAGINE running on the treadmill and having your crush (who you’ve spent a total of four minutes around) proceed to tell you that you smell SOUR?

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This week’s wildcard points (15 to the first lady to be bleeped for swearing) went to Lauren H. who complained during the group date with an expletive not suited for the wee kindergartners she teaches. FYI, we post our wildcard points on Twitter at 5 p.m. CST before the show airs; follow us @BachFantasy. We usually post a poll earlier in the day so you can vote on what you want the category to be. Twitter: we’re having fun, come join us.

A quick note about Crying on Camera, if you don’t mind, since we’ve been getting a lot of comments and tweets about it. Because Crying on Camera is worth a meaty 25 points, we demand we see some moisture exit the eyeball area and land on the lower lid/cheekbone/cheek (I like to imagine myself as a football ref during these scenes, blowing the whistle around my neck and yelling jauntily: “The ruling on the field…”) One does not simply procure a mass of 25 points for a little eye-welling-up action. You’ll see that reflected below. I humbly thank thee.

  • Amanda: 85 points
    • Mentioning her kid(s) (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal him away” during said interruption (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Amber: 35 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Becca: 35 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Caila: 75 points
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Emily: 35 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Haley: 35 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jackie: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Jami: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jennifer: 45 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • JoJo: 50 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Jubilee: 50 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lace: 70 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal him away” during said interruption (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren LB: 65 points [UPDATED]
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Leaving the show early on her accord (30 points)
  • Lauren B.: 30 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren H.: 50 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wildcard points: first to be bleeped for swearing (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Leah: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Mandi: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Olivia: 60 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal him away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Rachel: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Samantha: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Shushanna: 35 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Dec 19 2015
1 Comment
Episode Recaps: Season 20, Points: Season 20

Researching Your Picks: A Look at the Drafting Pool

Christmas came early this year, friends. I didn’t even know I wanted a Chicken Enthusiast for Christmas until Santa’s little helper, Chris Harrison, dropped one right in our laps.  God Bless us, everyone.

it-s-a-wonderful-life-wink-o

We’ve rounded up our thoughts on each of the 28 contestants vying to be Ben’s one and only. Because here’s the thing: the cast bios are a bit more revealing than many assume.

Of those 28, FIVE are named Lauren or Laura, about 90% of them included a Nicholas Sparks movie as one of their favorites, and at least three listed a beloved stuffed animal as something they couldn’t live without. One of these 28 will be Ben’s wife. Or at least his fiancée for three People magazine covers. 

Without further ado…

Amanda | age: 25 | Esthetician | Rancho Santa Margarita, CA

Choice line from her bio: If she won the lottery, she “would buy a big house by the beach and adopt babies and dogs.” 86 on the babies and we’re right there with you, Amanda.

We need to hear more about: Her kiddos. She’s 25 and a mom of two. I could see Ben H. being down with stepdad duties but I think ultimately she’ll be let go because “it isn’t fair to keep her away from her kids any longer.”

Draftability: 7/10

 

Amber | age: 30 | Bartender | Chicago, IL

Choice line from her bio: She “can’t live” without her Teddy Bear. It’s actually the first thing on her list, before her mom, brother, and best friends. I hope Ben is not the jealous type.

We need to hear more about: What she’s doing back for a third time. In love and life, it’s best to ask yourself, “What would Chris Bukowski do?” and then DON’T DO THAT THING.

Draftability: 5/10

 

Becca | age: 26 | Chiropractic Assistant | San Diego, CA

Choice line from her bio: She’s afraid of clogging a toilet “a la Dumb and Dumber.” I think we all are, Becca. I think we all are.

We need to hear more about: What she feels she’s missing by only being able to use 10% of her brain as a human. I’d actually recommend using less than 10% of your brain during your tenure on The Bachelor, Becs. Don’t think too hard about it.

Draftability: 8/10

 

Breanne | age: 30 | Nutritional Therapist | Seattle, WA

Choice line from her bio: If she could be any fruit/veggie, she would be a “Carrot!” And she’s really fucking excited about it.

We need to hear more about: How to properly “smize.” I’m pretty sure I’ve tried this before, but usually end up looking deranged.

Draftability: 6/10

 

Caila | age: 24 | Software Sales Rep | Hudson, OH

Choice line from her bio: She hates a guy who “gets so cheesy that it seems fake.” This is akin to a contestant on “Survivor” saying that she can’t stand being outdoors. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, Caila.

We need to hear more about: Why she loves pomegranate so much. “It’s the forbidden fruit that is complicated to open, but very rewarding, tasty and good for you. Plus it takes so good!!!” Is this an extended metaphor for virginity?

Draftability: 5/10

 

Emily | age: 22 | Twin | Las Vegas, NV

Choice line from her bio: Like, all of them. This girl seems pretty effing dim. She’d waste her chance to be someone else for the day on being the one person in the world who is already identical to her.

We need to hear more about: Her “job” as a twin. The bigger the dream, the harder the grind.

Draftability: 3/10

 

Haley | age: 22 | Twin | Las Vegas, NV

Choice line from her bio: Her greatest achievement is “making it to the semi-finals of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.” So her biggest achievement is coming close to actually achieving something. Congrats…

We need to hear more about: What kind of shitty movies is she watching? We Bought a Zoo should not be in anyone’s top three (to be fair, I haven’t seen that movie).

Draftability: 3/10

 

Isabel “Izzy” | age: 24 | Graphic Designer | Branford, CT

Choice line from her bio: Her music choices—Mumford and Sons, Taylor Swift, and Beyonce. #RESPECT

We need to hear more about: These family vacations. Is she a part of the Knowles-Carter family? Idk about your family, but we didn’t “charter” shit when I was a kid. We packed some boogie boards into the minivan and fought over who had to sit all the way in the back.

Draftability: 8/10

 

Jackie | age: 23 | Gerontologist | San Francisco, CA

Choice line from her bio: She “never regrets anything.” Not even one drunk text? Not even one fart you expected to be silent but ended up betraying you?

We need to hear more about: Fergus, her stuffed giraffe. Let’s say you only get to keep one thing on that list—which do you pick: the Bible or Fergus?

Draftability: 7/10

 

Jami | age: 23 | Bartender | St. Albert, Alberta, Canada

Choice line from her bio: Lil’ Wayne is one of her favs because “he seems very smart with his raps.” It’s like she’s trying to get in with the cool kids but gave the nerdiest opinion about a rapper possible. At least she’s smart enough to call Beyonce a goddess.

We need to hear more about: Her lack of experience as a “lover.” Does this mean we have another virgin in da house? It’s a race to Pound Town, and only one girl can win.

grVLZ

Draftability: 5/10

 

Jennifer | age: 25 | Small Business Owner | Fort Lauderdale, FL

Choice line from her bio: She’d want to be a dolphin because “they are beautiful, intelligent and are the only mammals to have sex for pleasure!” Up top for dolphin sex. 

We need to hear more about: Literally every detail about her face plant. Ideally there is a video. I’m a sucker for falling stories. Not sorry.

Draftability: 7/10

 

Jessica | age: 23 | Accountant | Boca Raton, FL

Choice line from her bio: Listen here, club rats. Y’all need to STEP. Jessica does not want any “sweaty dudes rubbing up against” her while she gets low to a Rihanna remix.

We need to hear more about: Her stance on Lil Wayne. I wonder if she agrees with Jami that Weezy “seems very smart with his raps.”

Draftability: 8/10

 

Joelle “JoJo” | age: 24 | Real Estate Developer | Dallas, TX

Choice line from her bio: She can “kill a quesadilla” AND she can make a three leaf clover with her tongue. Come on, JoJo. Give the other girls a chance!

We need to hear more about: What exactly is the appeal of being both a fruit and a vegetable…? Also, why the fuck did ABC ask this question?

Draftability: 5/10

 

Jubilee | age: 24 | War Veteran | Fort Lauderdale, FL

Choice line from her bio: She loves the “smells…that belong to a city.” Either I’ve been smelling all the wrong things in the cities I’ve been in, or Jubilee loves the smell of stale urine and garbage juice.

We need to hear more about: How, exactly, sunflowers are a “great metaphor for life.” Da fuq?

Draftability: 6/10

 

Lace | age:  25 | Real Estate Agent | Denver, CO

Choice line from her bio: Our girl, Lace, left a floater in the toilet and a guy she liked saw it. Related: she’s still single.

We need to hear more about: Her name. Lace? Is it pronounced the way I think it is? Like the fabric? “I Ben, take thee, Lace.” Nah.

Draftability: 7/10

 

Laura | age: 24 | Account Executive | Louisville, KY

Choice line from her bio: If she could break any law without consequences, she’d rob a casino and then chat about it with Clooney and Pitt. YAAASS. I’d actually watch paint dry if it meant I got to debrief with Clooney and Pitt later.

We need to hear more about: How she ended up on this show sporting her natural skin color. I had always assumed that the entire Bachelor compound was rigged to mist you with a spray tan solution every time you walked through a door.

Draftability: 5/10 

 

Lauren “LB” | age: 23 | Fashion Buyer | Stillwater, OK

Choice line from her bio: The wildest thing she’s done is “join a sorority.” Wow. Calm down. Dream big.

We need to hear more about: Her nickname. Is “LB” something the producers forced her to adopt since out of the FOUR Laurens, there is another Lauren B.? Or,is she is trying to make a new nickname happen?

5c6d0-reginageorge
Draftability: 8/10 – there’s like a 15% chance that someone named Lauren is winning this thing

 

Lauren B. | age: 25 | Flight Attendant | Marina Del Ray, CA

Choice line from her bio: When asked about the most outrageous thing she’s ever done, she says “Probably this.” Slow clap, Lauren B. Other Lauren B., take notes.

We need to hear more about: She’s prepping us for some serious PDA macking on Ben H. “When I love someone, there is never a question about how much because I will constantly show you and tell.” #kissingpoints

Draftability: 6/10

 

Lauren H. | age: 25 | Kindergarten Teacher | Ann Arbor, MI

Choice line from her bio: If Lauren H. could switch places with anyone for a day, she chooses Chris Harrison. On the one hand, quit buttering him up. On the other, imagine all the secret Bach-nanigans he’s seen!

We need to hear more about: That time she accidentally showed her Pinterest wedding board to her boss and he called her out on not even having a boyfriend. Good thing you redeemed yourself by asking for time off work to meet a boyfriend on TV…

Draftability: 4/10

 

Lauren R. | age: 26 | Math Teacher | Houston, TX

Choice line from her bio: She’d have lunch with “Jesus, Michelangelo, and Justin Timberlake.” It’s like she closed her eyes and clicked on random Wikipedia pages.

We need to hear more about: This painting. Should it take over 80 hours to paint a lighthouse?

Draftability: 6/10

 

Leah | age: 25 | Event Planner | Denver, CO

Choice line from her bio: She has “two dove tattoos on the back of her calves” that she’s in the process of having lasered off. I don’t know why, but the mental image of a half-erased dove on both calves is the most amazing thing.

We need to hear more about: The time she twerked on the wall (upside down, assuming?) during her Bachelor interview. Token rowdy one. Calling it now.

Draftability: 7/10

 

Maegan | age: 30 | Cowgirl | Weatherford, TX

Choice line from her bio: This cowgirl has true grit. She claims to be afraid of snakes but follows that up with this murderous little snack: “I’ll chop their heads off with a shovel if I find them on our property!” Like, fuuuuck. Sooey.

We need to hear more about: HER MINI-HORSE. Please bring the mini-horse to the mansion, please bring the mini-horse to the mansion.

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Draftability: 1/10

 

Mandi | age: 28 | Dentist | Portland, OR

Choice line from her bio: One of her worst attributes is “having a tendency to drink too much.” That right there? Behold. That’s how you get on “The Bachelor.”

We need to hear more about: Her desire to be a free-range chicken for a day. Bet her and Tiara (down below) are gonna be besties.

Draftability: 3/10

 

Olivia | age: 23 | News Anchor | Austin, TX

Choice line from her bio: Her favorite fictional character is Katniss. We’ll take it, ya kween.

We need to hear more about: Her news anchor gig. She better do her anchor voice to narrate some scenes for us. “We’re live at the Bachelor Mansion pool, where Mandi has consumed eight—*presses her hand to her ear* I’m sorry, we’re receiving new information—NINE, nine vodka tonics.”

Draftability: 10/10

 

Rachel | age: 23 | Unemployed | Little Rock, AR

Choice line from her bio: “Gift giving” is her love language. Not to be judgmental, but that’s the worst love language. (Tangent: do you know your love language? Take the quiz; it’s super fun. Sorry in advance if you get “gift-giving.” That sucks.)

We need to hear more about: Her funemployment. Way to keep it real, Rach.

Draftability: 7/10

 

Samantha | age: 26 | Attorney | New Smyrna Beach, FL

Choice line from her bio: When asked how she would impress a man, Samantha answers: “I would hope that just being myself and spending quality time would be enough. If he is the right man for me, I shouldn’t have to work so hard to impress him.” Preach. ONCE MORE, FOR THE FANS IN THE BALCONY, SAMANTHA.

We need to hear more about: Her parents. She says their approval means “everything” to her. Hoping she makes it to Hometowns. Then again, who would disapprove of the human-shaped confection that is Ben H.?

Draftability: 8/10

 

Shushanna | age: 27 | Mathematician | Salt Lake City, UT

Choice line from her bio: Imma just copy and paste this here for you. This mathematician had to have been drunk when she wrote this rambling incoherent paragraph about her search for lobe: “At some point I stopped believing in lobe again. I thought something was wrong with me or I’m just so buy that I don’t want anyone in my life. Maybe this get away will help to open my eyes and meet someone special. And even if it doesn’t happen on the show, I believe this show will help me with my hopes and loss.”

We need to hear more about: 10 points to her parents for christening her with a moniker that can be shortened to “Shush.” I hope she has a sister name Quietlynn.

Draftability: 5/10

 

Tiara | age: 26 | Chicken Enthusiast | Redmond, WA

Choice line from her bio: Her favorite kind of weather is “medium weather.” Clouds are not tops from Target, Tiara. There is no medium size weather.

We need to hear more about: Okay, I’ll bite. What’s up with the chicken thing? Are they pets? What does she do when the people around her order a chicken sandwich or suggest a group outing to KFC?

Draftability: 4/10

 

 

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Jul 28 2015
10 Comments
Points: Season 11

Season 11: Finale Points

Well, Nick, you win some, you lose some. Or you lose them all, actually. Sorry, buddy. But a big ol’ Mazel Tov to K + S. We hope to see you on many more People magazine covers together. Though Nick did not receive the final rose, he still pulled in some serious pointage last night, proving once and for all that homie knows how to play this game.

 

  • Nick V.: 145 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family (15 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Wildcard points: Being the first guy to ask for Kaitlyn’s dad for his blessing (50 points)
  • Shawn B.: 160 points
    • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Jul 09 2015
3 Comments
Episode Recaps: Season 11

Season 11, Episode 8: Highlight Reel

There are officially no rules left on this show. How many episodes are left? Whose families are we meeting? Are we ever going to see another rose ceremony or is Shawn going to murder-suicide the whole cast in a jealous rage and shut this thing down for good? I don’t have any of those answers for you. I do have a roundup of some of our favorite moments from episode eight though. Have at it.

Highlights from Episode 8:

  1. Shawn’s tomato face when Kaitlyn dropped the sex bomb on him. Shawn felt like the belle of the ball when Kaitlyn kicked everyone else off their group date and awarded him with some one-on-one time. He had no idea that he was about to have the wind knocked out of his sails in a big way, courtesy of Nick’s wiener.
  2. Shawn referring to Nick as “the other guy.” Grow up. He’s not Voldemort and jealousy ain’t cute.
  3. Ben H. being a motherfucking dreamboat. On their one-on-one date, Ben admits that he fears that he isn’t lovable. That is crazy talk, because I’m pretty sure I love him. Also, I wanna get familiar with his bathing suit parts, if you catch my drift.
  4. 3f391d11256cb849745667609ff6e76eJoe’s silent tantrum after Kaitlyn broke his little cowboy heart. I have to assume that there was more to their relationship than what we saw on camera, because by my estimation they spent a total of 6 1/2 minutes together and he claimed he was IN LOVE with her. Not falling. IN LOVE. We didn’t even get a limo exit interview…
  5. leslie-knope-tantrum-oThe return of Nick’s hairless chest. After Kaitlyn and Nick took a trip to Pound Town, we were treated to some morning after footage of them eating breakfast meats and pawing at each other.

What was your favorite moment from this week’s episode? Do you think Joe is still sulking somewhere in Ireland? What type of murder weapon do you think Shawn brought to Nick’s room? Sound off in the comments!

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