Tag Archives: humor

Season 12, Episode 3: Points

Well, last night’s episode gave us some fresh ideas for points categories in future seasons including throwing a punch (inanimate object): 10 points and tattling to Dad, AKA Chris Harrison: 20 points. Tonight’s episode looks like it might inspire categories such as throwing a punch (animate object): 35 points and being punched: 25 points. What a treat this season has already been!  #DontTryThisAtHome

Overall, this was a fairly low-scoring episode, because there was no rose ceremony last night — we’ll be sure to give the dudes their points for any and all rose ceremonies that occur in Tuesday night’s episode.

The wildcard points category last night was 15 smackers to any man who read a date card aloud to the group (we decided to shake it up and award it to each dude who read a card last night in the episode, versus our usual “first” man to do any given action). We’re trying to keep you on your toes. Look alive out there.

We’ll announce the wildcard points category for tonight’s episode on Twitter. Follow us there to see what we’ve cooked up…

  • Alex: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Ali: 25 points
    • Wildcard points: reading a date card aloud to the group (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Chad: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Chase: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points (15 points)
    • Mentioning his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Christian: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Daniel: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Derek: 0 points
  • Evan: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
  • Grant: 25 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Discussing his virginity (15 points)
  • James F.: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • James Taylor: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points: reading a date card aloud to the group (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing or playing an instrument (the guitar) (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jordan: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Luke: 0 points
  • Nick B: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Robby: 0 points
  • Vinny: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wells: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)

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Season 12, Episode 2: Recap

And just like that, Week Two is in the books. The more I watch this show, the more I feel that episodes two and three are the best of the season. The real wackos are just starting to hoist their freak flags up the flagpole, the frontrunners are posturing for the top spot, and the group dates are still utterly whack competitions where the first place prize is an extra three to five minutes of time with JoJo, along with a side order of humiliation.

The first date consists of the group competing to be crowned Best Firefighter. Normally, I’ll wait until a sixth date or so before I make a guy pass the firefighter physical ability test, but “The Bachelorette” is all about a speedy courtship, even compared to the Duggars. The men are put through a series of grueling physical challenges that they perform as if their actual lives depended on it, not just a brief one-on-one conversation with JoJo. Wells (or three kindergartners sitting on each other’s shoulders?) nearly passes out from heat stroke, earning the season’s first medical attention points.  

As soon as Wells’ blood oxygen level stabilizes, Chief Tracey plucks him to compete against an ex-Army officer and an actual firefighter in the very drills that had incapacitated him moments earlier. He does not win. Grant wins a conversation with JoJo and Luke sulks, kicks his steel-toe cowboy boots into various door frames, and complains in a monotone for the rest of the night. JoJo gives Wells the group date rose to make up for nearly killing him. Wells is self-deprecating, charming, and has All-4-One on a personal retainer. He’s too good for this show.

Next up, Derek and his teeth get the one-on-one date. He and JoJo make a series of decisions about where to go and what to do (which is pretty par for the course in the real world of dating). They conflate their ability to agree on a date activity with a sign that they’re connected on a deep and spiritual level. I couldn’t stop wondering about the producers who had to coordinate the date Derek and JoJo didn’t pick. What a waste of a workday. Derek gets the rose.

The best part of this one-on-one date is when we’re not on it. Back at Bro HQ, Daniel and Chad are sowing the seeds of a beautiful bromance wearing matching black tanktops and abusing literary devices. Chad shares some wisdom with the viewers at home about how women should avoid nice guys (noted — thanks, Chad), and then attempts to diss the other guys with a bizarre, and ultimately unsuccessful, metaphor about the shitty protein shake they would make if you were to blend them. While this powwow is taking place, the rest of the guys are sitting around the pool earnestly rehearsing a song they wrote for JoJo. Somehow, I hate Chaniel less in this segment.

The last date of the episode brings us to ESPN’s LA studio and the men promptly jizz their pants because #SPORTZ. They perform touchdown dances because two TV hosts tell them that’s how they will prove they love JoJo, which makes total sense. The hosts rank the guys and give Chad second place, despite his obvious disinterest in the charade and the fact that he called JoJo “naggy.” Chad really starts to chap Alex’s ass, and Alex begins his crusade to take Chad down. Remember, it’s not the size of the Tiny Alex in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the Tiny Alex. While we’re on the topic, Alex is actually more naggy than JoJo (who literally wasn’t at all) though Chad doesn’t seem to notice.

Underdog James Taylor ends up at the top of the power rankings, disappointing the rest of the group who all worship at the church of ESPN and likely have protein shake on tap in their bachelor pads. He’s seen fire, and he’s seen rain, but he has not seen this show before because guys that act like James Taylor go home (to Carolina in their minds) before episode five. He later reads JoJo some piece of prose that sounds like wedding vows, despite knowing her as well as I got to know the Uber driver who took me to the airport yesterday. (Shout out to Roger! Hope your sister’s recovering from that knee operation.)

Chad is hardly likeable, but he does astutely remind the rest of these guys, who are literally proclaiming their love for JoJo, that they actually don’t know anything about her yet. They do know she’s smokin’ hot though, which I guess is enough.

Unfortunately for Chad, the high point of his week was when he tied that luggage to his waist and did some pull-ups. Alex forms a posse to harass Chad after they learn that he *gasp* had a conversation with JoJo on her way into the party. They start singing, “When you’re a bro, you’re a bro all the way, from your first protein shake, to your last dying day.”

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Chad can’t be bothered. He’s roaming around the house shoving fistfuls of deli meat into his mouth. He can’t be worried about haterz when there’s that much meat in the house. Like a newborn baby, Chad has to eat at very specific intervals or he gets fussy.

In the end we say goodbye to Brandon, James S., and Will. Onto bigger and bro-ier guys this week.

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Season 12, Episode 2: Points

If there’s any takeaway from last night’s episode, it’s that I’m not using my luggage to its full potential. Overall, we saw Chad double-down on his Chadness: eating deli meat by the fistful, threatening other men’s teeth, and generally spitting some uncomfortable truths about the actual length of time generally required before you can fall in love with a person. Like all good #Bachelor and #Bachelorette villains, Chad has gone off-script, and we’re HERE for it.

A couple of caveats before we dig into points:

  • On the second group date, we awarded dancing points for gentlemen partaking in the so-called “touchdown dance.”
  • However, we didn’t award any proposal points. Technically, yes, several of the contestants “proposed” but that category is worth 85 points a pop — we intended the category to be reserved for the last remaining contestants. So no points awarded there.
  • During the SECOND time they broke into song about JoJo, it was super hard to catch the entire group. There were two guys wearing hats who were hard to make out. I’m pretty sure one was Robby (I gave him the points), but the other one had his back entirely to the camera and I couldn’t tell who he was. If you have additional evidence that will help us identify this mystery singer, please share and we’ll update accordingly.

The wildcard points category of the night (announced on Twitter) was 20 points to the first man called at the rose ceremony. Alex scooped those up.

  • Alex: 65 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Wildcard points: first dude called at the rose ceremony (20 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ali: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Brandon: 5 points
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Chad: 100 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Telling the Bachelorette that several contestants aren’t here for the right reasons (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal her away” during the interruption (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chase: 35 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Giving a gift to the Bachelorette (fake snow) (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Christian: 45 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Daniel: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Derek: 60 points
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Evan: 50 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Grant: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Winning alone time with the Bachelorette on the group date (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James F.: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James S.: 5 points
    • Singing (5 points)
  • James Taylor: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing or playing an instrument (the guitar) (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the group date rose (35 points)
  • Jordan: 45 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Luke: 50 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Nick B: 45 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Robby: 45 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Vinny: 40 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wells: 70 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Needing medical attention (20 points)
    • Getting the group date rose (35 points)
  • Will: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 12, Episode 1: Points

Welcome to Season 12 of “The Bachelorette” and the sixth season of BachFantasy! This season premiere was major. We had Damn Daniel drunk and wandering around in undies, diving into a pool even though there was clearly no lifeguard on duty. We had a gorgeous specimen named Ali who played the piano and caused millions of panties to spontaneously evaporate off their owners’ bodies around the country. We had a Bachelor superfan and Ken doll lookalike that legitimately made me LOL every time he appeared on screen; he was so nervous to meet all his heroes in the flesh. I thought for sure he was going to ask Chris Harrison to sign his chest. We were treated to a private serenade from the musical stylings of All4One, and just like that I was 13 years old again, swaying in my middle school gym with a spiral-shaped rhinestone tattoo glued on my arm and butterfly clips in my hair.

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We also had the earliest reveal of a season villain in Bachelorette history. Can we talk about those coming attractions? So, Chad is essentially two fists and a beard. I’ve gone ahead and renamed the season.

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Onto the points! Take a gander at our points categories again, even if you’ve played with us before, as there have been some additions this year and a few points changes. Have your commissioner add your contestants’ points to your spreadsheet to see how your team is stacking up.

Thirty wildcard points went to Christian, who was the first man to arrive in anything other than a limo (he showed up on a motorcycle). We announce our Wildcard Points category on Twitter every Monday before the show starts. Follow us there for live tweets, plenty o’ gifs, and wildcard points.

Two caveats to this week’s points totals:

  • Some dude presented JoJo with a piece of toast during his limo introduction, but he did not hand it to her. Thus, it was not a gift, merely a prop in his terrible pun.
  • In order for it to count as an interruption, a contestant has to be interrupting someone else’s one-on-one time with JoJo.

Without further ado…

  • Alex: 30 points
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ali: 30 points
    • Playing an instrument (the piano) (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Brandon: 30 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chad: 25 points
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chase: 25 points
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Christian: 60 points
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Wildcard points: first man to arrive in anything other than a limo (30 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Coley: 0 points
  • Daniel: 40 points
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Derek: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Evan: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Grant: 30 points
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jake: 0 points
  • James F.: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James S.: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James Taylor: 30 points
    • Playing an instrument (the guitar) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jonathan: 35 points
    • Wearing a costume native to another country (5 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)
  • Jordan: 60 points
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points)
  • Luke: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (cowboy boots) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Nick B: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Nick S.: 20 points
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Peter: 5 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (a heart pillow) (5 points)
  • Robby: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (wine) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Sal: 5 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (blue balls) (5 points)
  • Vinny: 45 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wells: 50 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Giving a gift (the musical group All4One) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Will: 35 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Got a wildcard points category you’d like to see us feature this season? Leave your suggestions below in the comment.

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Researching Your Picks: A Look at Season 12’s Drafting Pool

There are no hometowns listed in the cast bios, so we’re assuming it means all 26 of this season’s “Bachelorette” contestants were conceived and grown in a factory on no-man’s land. *rubs hands excitedly* Let’s dive right in.

Alex | age: 25 | U.S. Marine

  • Choice line from his bio: He’s not into the “whole booty dancing thing.” Fifty points to the guy who can get Alex to twerk on camera.
  • We need to hear more about: The time he Hulked out and ripped the door off a car that was on fire and rescued the driver. His favorite movies are also “Troy,” “Inglorious Basterds,” and “300.” We get it, Alex. You have a dick.
  • Draftability: 7/10

Ali | age: 27 | Bartender

  • Choice line from his bio: There is not one interesting thing in his bio but if you squint your eyes at his photo, he kind of looks like peak John Stamos.
  • We need to hear more about: How deep his fear of bugs is… PRANKS! PRANKS! PRANKS!

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  • Draftability:7/10

Brandon | age: 28 | Hipster

  • Choice line from his bio: Here we have our first whack Bachelor job: Hipster. And yet he has no tattoos, he describes himself as athletic, his favorite movie is Good Will Hunting, and he cites a Malcolm Gladwell book as his fav piece of literature. This is like calling my own Dad a hipster.
  • We need to hear more about: Where he parks his creepy van at night. Brandon wants to experience someone “from the inside out.” I get what he’s going for here, but he chose a pretty murdery way to describe that.
  • Draftability: 3/10

Chad | age: 28 | Luxury Real Estate Agent

  • Choice line from his bio: His answer to THREE different questions is: “myself in 10 years. Alright, alright, alright.” You’ve exhausted the joke, dude.

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  • We need to hear more about: His date that blacked out during dinner. I have a hunch I’d also try to blackout if I went out with Chad. This one may not be on her.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Chase | age: 27 | Medical Sales Rep

  • Choice line from his bio: His biggest fear is a girl falling in love with him…and he’s not that into it. 

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  • We need to hear more about: What the fuck is so special about his truck? That’s his limit in terms of what he’ll do for love? I say let’s vote Chase off now and see if we can get Meatloaf on the show.
  • Draftability: 8/10

Christian | age: 26 | Telecom Consultant

  • Choice line from his bio: His bucket list really runs the gamut. He wants to befriend Mark Cuban, take selfies in space, and spoil his grandchildren. That last one is the puzzler. Does he already have grandchildren…? If not, does he not want to spoil his own children first?
  • We need to hear more about: HULLO, his amateur stripping career. Willing to pay a generous bounty for any photo evidence of this.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Coley | age: 27 | Real Estate Consultant

  • Choice line from his bio: Hard to decide between his bucket list (#respect for those choices) or his book selection (Accio rose, amirite?).
  • We need to hear more about: The girl who tried to move in with him after a week of dating. Did she? C’mon, Coley, don’t leave us hanging.
  • Draftability: 5/10 – His bio is respectable, but his name is Coley. Sorry.

Derek | age: 29 | Commercial Banker

  • Choice line from his bio: If he were stranded on a desert island, the worst case scenario would be if there were a shitload of cucumbers on it. 

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Seriously, pick a more benign vegetable.

  • We need to hear more about: His penchant for skinny-dipping. We’re expecting some major “blurred out” points from Derek.  
  • Draftability: 8/10

Daniel | age: 31 | Male Model

  • Choice line from his bio: He doesn’t have any tattoos because “You don’t put stickers on a lambo.” He also assures us that he is comfortable wearing a bathing suit in public, because “why have a lambo if you keep it parked in the garage.” Daaaamn, Daniel. Back at it again with the bad metaphors.

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  • We need to hear more about: His Men’s Rights activism. I bet if we check his Twitter feed, there are all sorts of rants about girls who “tricked him” by looking better in their dating profile pictures.
  • Draftability: 8/10 – could definitely be the season villain

Evan | age: 33 | Erectile Dysfunction Expert

  • Choice line from his bio: Where do I start with this guy? He describes his sexual energy as “very powerful and beautiful.” Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife. He also wants to be Trump for a day and he has a laundry list of dating dealbreakers, including “girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies.” FOOD ALLERGIES? Way harsh, Tai.
  • We need to hear more about: His job – “Erectile Dysfunction Expert.” Did he go into the family business or…?
  • Draftability: 2/10

Grant | age: 27 | Firefighter

  • Choice line from his bio: His greatest achievement to date? “Saving a life.” Way to drop the freakin mic. Let’s be real, if I saw Grant approaching, I’d play dead. Resuscitate me, boi.
  • We need to hear more about: It’s a toss-up between the Mexican police chase and his ex slapping him in a bar. Maybe they’re connected?
  • Draftability: 9/10

Jake | age: 26 | Landscape Architect

  • Choice line from his bio: He’s not afraid of any animal, because humans are at the “top of the food chain.” You’re right, Jake, no human has ever been killed by an animal.
  • We need to hear more about: How he plans to help the people with his power of flight. If only there were humans out there getting killed by animals. I bet he could help them. If they existed.
  • Draftability: 5/10

James F. | age: 34 | Boxing Club Owner

  • Choice line from his bio: He likes when a book is so vivid that he can almost “smell their environment.” This is how people who don’t read books talk.
  • We need to hear more about: What the fuck is carb cycling? Before you answer, I’m pretty sure I want no part of it.
  • Draftability: 3/10 –  Real talk, I think James’ admission to the show was a clerical error.

James S. | age: 27 | Bachelor Superfan

  • Choice line from his bio: His job – apparently this joker is a “Bachelor Superfan.” Has Chris Harrison finally opened up an institution of higher education or is James self-taught?
  • We need to hear more about: His thoughts on “intimacy.” Does this mean a season of Duggar-style side hugs?

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  • Draftability: 4/10 – seems like a tool

James Taylor | age:  29 | Singer-Songwriter

  • Choice line from his bio: This guy, named JAMES TAYLOR, is a singer-songwriter. We know you’re not the real James Taylor.
  • We need to hear more about: Why he still refers to his dad as “daddy.” You’re 29, bro.
  • Draftability: 3/10

Jonathan | age: 29 | Technical Sales Rep

  • Choice line from his bio: If he could change places with anyone, he “would be someone incredibly poor in a third world country to see what it’s like and appreciate what [he has].” Poverty tourism—good answer.
  • We need to hear more about: Jonathan has a tattoo of his grandma on his arm. Like her name or a portrait of her?
  • Draftability: 3/10

Jordan | age: 27 | Former Pro Quarterback

  • Choice line from his bio: He hates it when his date “doesn’t want to eat in front of [him].” You’re speaking my love language, Jordan.
  • We need to hear more about: His job as a former pro quarterback. Which team? And for how long? Can we check his references? I’m detecting a faint odor of catfishing.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Luke | age: 31 | War Veteran

  • Choice line from his bio: We’ve got another hopeful bromance with Mark Cuban, folks. Lots of “Shark Tank” fans this season.
  • We need to hear more about: His status as a war veteran. Lots of military men in the house. Will this lead to tension or camaraderie? Find out after the commercial break.
  • Draftability: 4/10

Nick B. | age: 33 | Electrical Engineer

  • Choice line from his bio: If he could be anyone in the world for a day, he’d be “the woman [he] wants to marry so [he] could find out what’s in her head.”

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  • We need to hear more about: His favorite magazine, Ducks Unlimited. Is this a euphemism?
  • Draftability: 4/10

Nick S. | age: 26 | Software Salesman

  • Choice line from his bio: If he could have any job for a day, he would choose: “Don Draper? James Bond?” He didn’t understand the assignment.
  • We need to hear more about: The mountain lion he supposedly chased.

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  • Draftability: 5/10

Peter | age: 26 | Staffing Agency Manager

  • Choice line from his bio: Peter loves dinosaurs so much he’d time travel back to the Mesozoic Era to see ‘em. Did you see Jurassic Park, Pete? Didn’t work out so great for the humans.
  • We need to hear more about: That time he was a sk8er boi, she said see you later boy.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Robby | age: 27 | Former Competitive Swimmer

  • Choice line from his bio: He calls his favorite flower, the honeysuckle, “delicious.” “Robby, will you accept eat this honeysuckle?”
  • We need to hear more about: When asked to name his three best attributes, he includes “handsome.” Warning: narcissism alert.
  • Draftability: 7/10 – We think JoJo will be into it.

Sal | age: 28 | Operations Manager

  • Choice line from his bio: His worst case scenario on a desert island is a Kardashian. Fair enough, though I think it would depend which one. As long as there are no cucumbers, amirite?
  • We need to hear more about: His past career in vandalism. (He once egged a gym teacher’s house in high school.) Maybe he has a problem with authority. Watch yer back, Harrison.  
  • Draftability: 4/10

Vinny | age: 28 | Barber

  • Choice line from his bio: I actually LOLed when I read his response to what he won’t do for love. He would do anything for love, except use turkey meat. Don’t fuck with Vinny’s meatballs.
  • We need to hear more about: That time he “surprised his boys in Mexico” when he was 16. Real talk: I thought the question was “What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done?” instead of “What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” At first I was like #respect.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Wells | age: 31 | Radio DJ

  • Choice line from his bio: Ok, his description of his perfect date IS kind of perfect. Admittedly, I stopped really reading after tacos (didn’t really need to hear more), but I think I saw something about wine and Otis Redding in there too. Call me, Wells.
  • We need to hear more about: Why he doesn’t like pizza. Why are you hurting us like this, Wells?
  • Draftability: 9/10

Will | age: 26 | Civil Engineer

  • Choice line from his bio: He hates it when his date talks about heavy stuff too soon. Good thing he’s not the Bachelor, since that show is basically just a race to see who can exploit their personal hardships for feigned sympathy and camera time. Let’s never forget Olivia’s cankles.
  • We need to hear more about: His dance moves. I want so badly to give him some points for Bernie-ing.  
  • Draftability: 8/10

 

Which prospect is looking the best to draft? Who’s your prediction for the season villain? Let us know in the comments.

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Season 20 (Optional) Women Tell All Points Categories

My friends, I apologize for this terribly late post. Both of us BachFantasy co-founders moved this week, and as BachFantasy is still just a hobby and not our 9-5s (WE WISH), we had to abandon it a little bit. We sincerely apologize and appreciate your patience.

These points are optional so if your league does not want to award any points for tonight’s episode, that’s okay. Also, there will be no wildcard points tonight.

 

We’ve decided to only award points to the contestants belonging to each team AFTER the mid-season draft. Some of you pointed out that it seems like we’re punishing people who drafted well (i.e., have JoJo and Lauren B. remaining on their teams and thus don’t have an opportunity to score as many points in the Women Tell All). We’re actually hoping that this gives teams who aren’t doing as well a chance to catch up and make the finale even more exciting in your leagues.

Here’s what we’ll be scoring during the Women Tell All (in addition to all the regular points):

  • Entering a guess as to who will win the show (5 points)
  • Apologizing to another contestant (5 points)
  • Apologizing directly to Ben (5 points)
  • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points; available once per contestant)
  • Mentioning a new romantic interest in her life (10 points)
  • Asking Ben why he got rid of her (15 points)
  • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Calling another contestant a liar or saying that she’s lying (15 points)
  • Admitting that feelings still remain for Ben (20 points)
  • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
  • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise/Bachelor Pad (25 points)
    • Must be officially announced on the show 

Good luck!

 

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Season 20, Episode 9: Points

Loved that opening shot of Ben crawling up ancient ruins in flip-flops and cargo pants. (I saw Ben Higgins hiking in cargo shorts and flip-flops so I went out and bought cargo shorts and flip-flops.)

This episode was ja-maican me crazy for many reasons, not the least being that I just moved to Higgins’ town (chill, it’s Denver—not Warsaw, Indiana), and the show comes on at 9 p.m. here. What the what! Bach fans in Mountain Time Zone, how do you do it?!

Also, I like believe in Ben and Lauren. He is such a smitten kitten with her. I’ve never seen a Bachelor more infatuated with a contestant. It’s kinda refreshing.

Okay, let’s get into points.

Caila: 200 points STAT CORRECTION

  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I’m in love with him” to Ben (20 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Ben (30 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)

JoJo: 170 points

  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I’m in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelor (30 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Lauren B.: 180 points

  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I’m in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Ben (30 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
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Season 20 Episode 8: Points

This week was about 100 minutes of boring, 5 minutes of #CHAD and 5 seconds of JoJo’s mom going vertical with a bottle of champs. Thank you for that gift, Mrs. JoJo.

I know we’ll get these questions so:

  • Unfortunately our rules state that a contestant gets points if she has a secret boyfriend – no points for having an ex come back into the picture (we’ll update this for next season). So close, Chad.
  • Amanda and Ben sat on a blanket on the beach, but did not have any food – no picnic points
  • A lot of girls tonight told the camera they were in love with Ben – this kind of falls in between our two categories. Judge rules that you only get 30 points if you actually say “I love you” to Ben directly.

Amanda: 120 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I love him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Mentioning her kid (5 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiance or husband (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)

Caila: 135 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I love him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

JoJo: 130 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Lauren B.: 130 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I love him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
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Season 20, Episode 7: Recap

This week had us heading to the bustling metropolis of Warsaw, Indiana (population: 14,042).

I never understand why some seasons of “The Bachelor” have seemingly unlimited budgets (grand tours of Europe, expensive dates spent dangling from the sides of tall structures) and other seasons seem to be funded directly out of my own checking account. We’ve had too many lackluster dates this season in terribly boring places. In this episode, one date is LITERALLY standing in a field near a barn and flying a kite, then rowing a rickety old pile of firewood around a pond for a couple of laps. If I paid money for this movie, I’d ask for a refund.

Isn’t the whole non-ironic point of “The Bachelor” to be escapist? It’s hard to indulge in the fantasy of finding love in a six-week whirlwind romance when the dates are the kind that I went on in college, where the single goal was: “How can I spend the LEAST amount of money possible and still have a marginally enjoyable time?” Just kidding, I didn’t go on any dates in college.

We’re treated to a montage of Ben driving around his all-American hometown in a vintage red pick-up truck. This is the stuff Ted Cruz’s wet dreams are made of. They act like Ben still lives in Warsaw even though he took the first train outta that one-stoplight town the moment he turned 18.

Remember, the Bachelor always needs a shtick. Chris Soules: Farmer Joe. Juan Pablo: Latin American sex god with the interior of a philandering, middle-aged real estate developer. Ben: 1950s-esque All-American Quarterback from Small Town USA. Basically, Ben grew up tall, and he grew up right, with them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights.

While the ladies wait on a nearby dock, Ben is shown cruising across the lake at a sensible speed in a giant pontoon, like a geriatric James Bond. Caila, who has moved 17 times but apparently never near a lake, attempts to stop the boat with her biceps and is nearly knocked off the dock in the process. We were thisclose to medical attention points.

Lauren B. gets the first frugal date, which consists of Ben driving her ass around town in a pick-up and waving at the people he could not wait to move far, far away from. While riding, he points out his high school and Lauren B. asks him what position he played on the football team. He could NOT contain his smile when he answered, “Quarterback” and I donno, maybe at that moment, I bought into this Small Town USA fantasy too.

Lauren and Ben shoot hoops and play recess games with local chickadees. After they kiss, one kid says to the camera, “Lauren and Ben did the smushy smushy.”

Do-not-think-it-means

Ronny, the Half-Court King of Warsaw came down from his castle to dunk a half-court shot and the coach LOST HIS MIND. Then Ben, former local quarterback, calls in some favors and the Indiana Pacers come through the door—several men with either the first name or the surname George. Lauren says she can really appreciate the Pacers because she used to play basketball.

Jennifer-Lawrence-ok-thumbs-up.gif

Ben and JoJo go to Wrigley Field on the next one-on-one. As a Chicagoan, I’m annoyed that this corn-fed Hoosier boy is claiming WRIGLEY FLIPPIN’ FIELD as part of his “Special Places in his Hometown” Grand Tour. Wrigley is 128 miles from Warsaw.

JoJo is chattering away on the pitcher’s mound. Ben steps up to the plate and is like, “Seriously, just shut up for a second, lady” and he tries to block her from his line of vision. He says this has been a dream of his for 26 years and he wants to pretend she’s not here.

JoJo has potential as the next bachelorette, non? She has a good amount of personality and sass (I think).

Everyone’s pissed on the group date. Caila, Amanda, and Becca accompany Ben to a random field, where the frugal date is: flying a kite. I’d be like, “Seriously, fuck this, I’ll be in the limo scrolling through Instagram if you need me.”

Caila expresses a fear about not having Deep Roots because her family has moved 17 (!!!) times throughout her life. She makes a weird metaphor about being a moss who wants to find a tree to stick to? She’s just a moss-girl, standing in front of a tree-man, asking him to let her grow on him.

Becca isn’t really digging the show anymore. She liked it better when Farmer Chris was basically begging her to love him. She asks Ben not to blindside her. Spoiler alert: Ben blindsides her.

The group date rose goes to Amanda so she is rewarded with extra one-on-one time. She can barely conceal her disappointment when the evening’s date is revealed to be…SERVING MCDONALD’S IN A DRIVE-THRU. It’s such a thinly veiled promotion for McDonald’s new all-day breakfast menu. Here’s your future in Warsaw, Amanda: being the prettiest girl at the drive-thru window. I feel like The Bachelor really sold its soul down the river for this product placement.  

Amanda and Ben then stroll through a carnival, which has since been ruined for me because I read an article that stated the Bach producers set the carnival up solely for the show. They apparently charged these townies $25 a pop to get in and ogle at the mere presence of two people who have lived outside of Warsaw, Indiana.

The last one-on-one date goes to Emily, and their cheap-ass date is literally just meeting Ben’s parents, which is next door to where the girls are staying. Because yeah, the girl you want to bring home to meet Ma and Pa is the 23-year-old aspiring NFL cheerleader/identical twin from Las Vegas. Ill-advised, Benjamin. Mrs. Higgins actually wept at the prospect of Emily becoming her daughter-in-law.

When Ben lets Emily go, all the girls burst into tears on the couch, hugging her and crying together. Clearly she was a house favorite. She certainly seems like the funnest girl on your dorm floor. Probably not ready to enter a legally binding lifelong contract, though. 

In the end, we say goodbye to Becca too. Better luck next season, Becs.

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Season 20, Episode 7: Points

The Bachelor heads to Ben’s all-American hometown in Warsaw, Indiana, where the contestants looked bored as they fly kites, ride a pontoon back and forth across a lake, drive 200 miles to see Wrigley Field, and then come back to serve McDonald’s to the townspeople in a (terribly) sponsored bit of content. Warsaw, Indiana: It’s Just a Small Town in Indiana, Despite How Hard “The Bachelor” Tried to Prove Otherwise.

We bid adieu to Emily and Becca, so the ladies making it to the Final Four (AKA Hometowns) are Amanda, JoJo, Caila, and Lauren B. We’ll award those points next week when Ben actually visits the hometowns.

FYI, wildcard points (20 of ’em) went to JoJo for being the first to mention Hometown Dates tonight.

  • Amanda (110 points) 
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Mentioning her kids (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for Ben” to the camera (20 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Becca (45 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Caila (80 points) 
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Emily (80 points) 
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelor’s family or friends (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • JoJo (90 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points for mentioning hometowns (20 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren B. (100 points) 
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the camera (20 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelor’s family or friends (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

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