Bach Fantasy

The show opens with Kimberly begging for a chance to come back on the show. I’ve never seen anyone beg to come back after the first epsiode. Chick’s got cojones. Chris relents. The Originals and the Others handle this calmly and maturely. Just kidding, they all throw tantrums.

Chris Harrison meets with our Bachelor to discuss the cocktail party, and he asks Chris if he remembers anything about last night, proving everyone is hammered on this show.

While the first group date gets underway, we see Jillian and Meg traipsing around Chris’s house. They commit some light B&E, and Jillian’s lower half is blurred throughout the entire segment. Megan dons Chris’s motorcycle helmet and rams it into stainless steel refrigerator, exposed brick, and a wooden wall. This is a simple statement of fact.

Back at the ranch, Juelia reveals she’s a single mother and a widow because her husband killed himself. Highs and lows, this episode, I tell ya.

First Group Date

Chris and his posse show up at a weird, corporate office to attend a pool party. After the obligatory chicken-fight, the gaggle of ladies walk around downtown L.A. and hop on idling tractors to compete in a race—in their bikinis. Just like in Iowa! High marks for authenticity.

Some poor intern spent his entire afternoon schlepping in bales of hay so the group can have a picnic in the middle of the boulevard. This is why L.A. traffic is so awful—random reality shows filming on your freeway ramps.

Mackenzie gets the one-on-one time after the group date and turns up the charm with classic 1-2 punch: “Did you ever have an earring?” and “I like guys with big noses!”

I think when you’re 21 years old and you’re repeatedly told you’re cute your whole life, you think you can say whatever you want and people will just coo over you. Then you turn 30 and realize what an awful, hot little shit you were back then. She’ll get there, you guys.

She asks him if he believes in aliens, seemingly out of the blue. Chris doesn’t have an answer, so he flips the tables around and is like, “Do YOU believe in aliens?”

And what I find inexplicably bizarre is that Mackenzie just shrugs her shoulders and says, “I donno.”

Dude, if you’re going to bring up aliens on the first date, you’d better have a well-developed stance on aliens. She talks about her son a lot. It’s boring.

Fun fact: Mackenzie was 6 when Chris graduated school. She could almost be Chris’s Kale.

Back at the BachMansion, Megan gets the one-on-one date and doesn’t even realize it. She thinks it’s a love note. Her elevator doesn’t quite reach the top floor.

Megan’s One-on-One Date

They take off in a chopper over the Grand Canyon. It’s very Bachelor. We take another dip on the emotional rollercoaster when Megan reveals that her dad died just a few weeks before she came on the show.

That story took the wind outta my snarky sails. Moving on.

Second Group Date

The limo pulls up to a haunted house parking lot and zombies attack the car. The girls freak out and try to make themselves apparate. Amber quickly becomes our favorite by ripping a shot of Fireball before she exits the limo.

Ashley S. doesn’t understand paintball, zombies, or human emotion. She’s Terminator in heels. She walks coldly through a hailstorm of bullets and undead corpses and pumps lead into a few more zombies’ heads, even when the other ladies are like, “That zombie is dead! She’s dead! She’s just an out-of-work actress from Nebraska who wants to work in Hollywood and you’ve maimed her irreparably!”

This is how war crimes happen. This is also why there are waiting periods at gun shops.

Instead of being AT ALL freaked out during the zombie slaughter, Ashley S. turns in a slow circle, looks into the camera and says, “I FEEL LIKE I’M IN MESA VERDE!” which is either A) a complete non-sequitur or B) a sick burn on Mesa Verde.

She sees angels in candles, she talks to cats, and she compliments Chris’ leather and asks him if he wants to lose the whole world. No one is safe. Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife.

The rose goes to Kaitlyn on the group date.

Back at the ranch, Jordan wears sweatpants, drunkenly twerks upside down, and talks mad shit about the other girls. My typical Saturday night. She specifically has a problem with Jillian who has a toned ass but also maybe a hairy one? Suddenly the black bar earlier in the episode makes a lot of sense.

Rose Ceremony

Whitney gives him a bottle of whisky. I thought they were sequestered on the ranch from the outside world. She must’ve bought it off of Tara.

Ashley I. reveals she’s a virgin. Mackenzie loses her damn mind and quickly Googles hymen reconstruction surgery. She also gives bad advice and says that all guys love taking a woman’s virginity. Never take relationship advice from a 21-year-old.

During her one-on-one time at the cocktail party, Ashley I. encourages Chris to rub her belly button ring like she’s some college-girl-on-spring-break genie and everyone in America collectively cringed.

Jordan, who didn’t pump the brakes on her bender in time for the cocktail party, is plastered. Trina the southerner says, “Bless her heart, I think she’s had one too many drinks.”

Jordan says she’s going to step up her game and stumbles around, applying lipstick, and half-interrupting Chris’ one-on-one time. She tries to kiss the camera then tries to kiss Chris.

Chris calls Juelia’s name and Jillian mistakenly steps forward to claim her rose. She trips on her rug when she realizes her mistake. If you didn’t rewind that several dozen times, you can’t sit with us.

It’s official: we’re falling back in love with the Bachelor.

Wildcard points for Monday’s episode: 10 points will go to the first contestant to make a disparaging remark about Ashley S.