Bach Fantasy

Houston, this is Bach Fantasy. We have bros.

Season 19 starts like all other seasons: montage after montage of the bachelorette doing the look-away. Looking away at work, looking away at home. Hey, there she is looking away at a store! It’s no secret that ABC has this Bach thing down to a formula.

We’re first treated to a “Law and Order” montage of Andi in her billowing DA-windbreaker, peeking in people’s backyards and IDing graffiti as gang activity. She poses and preens in front of a stack of books.

I think the producers are very keen to show that this Bachelorette is “one of us” as opposed to the psychopath they let take a dump on America’s heart last season. Cut to another montage of Andi and her sister giggling and trying on dresses to get ready for this season. Andi: “I could be engaged by summer! Craaaaazy.” Yes, that sounds like someone who is emotionally ready to make a lifelong commitment.

Finally, it’s time for limo introductions. Most of the men seemed like caricatures of real people. Also, it would really help me for scoring purposes if they introduced the men in alphabetical order. Every single dude this season looks like he could be named Chris.

Andi seems to have a thing for tall, dark, and handsome men, including Marcus and Josh M. She repeatedly mentions how cute they are. The Bach Fantasy at-home player should heed these asides.

Cody the Brody “pushes” the limo up the driveway. He’s the Atlas of bro-dom. Cannot believe he got a rose.

Photo Credit: Singing With Light via Compfight cc

I fell in love with Marquel. And then he showered her with milk and cookies later. In his bio, his perfect date is “making cookies and watching Netflix.” Dang, Marquel, the only two times America has seen you, you’ve mentioned cookies. How are you still single?

Rudie tries to win her over by playing his attorney card, but Andi deemed his evidence inadmissable.

Emil tells Andi that his name is basically “anal” with an M, which I bet is a defensive little tactic he’s been using since grade school. When you have a name that sounds like a poop chute, you gotta get ahead of the joke. Lets the bullies know you’re in on it.

Brett the hair stylist/Hamburglar is not straight. Just saying. They give him the creepy Bachelor music when he exits the limo, which means he’ll expire in one of the next two episodes but he’ll at least be entertaining in the meantime.

Craig decides to relive his glory days in Zeta Beta Tau and pops his finest bottle of Andre to supersoak the driveway and the rear windshield of the limo. You know that limo driver was like, “Fuck, come onnnn, dude.”

Nick S., the professional golfer, made sure Andi knew he was a professional golfer by arriving in a Professional Golf Cart. We get it. You’re rich. He wasn’t even paying attention to Andi until she mentioned, “I’ve got a little swing.” Dude went six to midnight.

There was also a brigade of long-haired dudes, including Dr. Jason. We found a childhood photo of him.

And Mike the bartender, who gave a wooden and forgettable performance as Man Who Pretended to Meet Andi in a Bar.

Watching the scenes with Eric is heart-breaking. He’s so sweet and seems like a genuinely good person.

Suddenly, Chris Bukowski from Emily’s season, who has made his career out of debasing himself on ABC’s various reality TV shows, is lurking in the driveway, hoping for a chance to meet Andi. Chris Harrison springs into turbo cock-blocking mode, clearly relishing in this drama. This is why Harrison gets out of bed in the morning.

Andi’s face is priceless when Chris tells her who’s in the driveway and she accidentally reveals that she never watched the show before applying to be on it.. She has no fucking clue who this dude is.

Bukowski admits that he didn’t know when they were filming so he’s been lurking around the Bachelor mansion for SEVEN DAYS. I mean. Alarm bells.

Also, what on earth was he doing for seven days? Hanging in the bushes? Roaming the block? Did he pack snacks? Was he wearing his suit the whole time? And finally, what idiot thinks that a woman he has never met in person is going to be charmed by him trespassing and hunching in the bushes, waiting for a camera crew to roll up?

Back at the cocktail party, Andi plays musical suit jackets while each guy makes his case to earn a rose. She eats some cookies, the bros bro out, and, disappointingly, no one gets too drunk and embarrasses himself.

Andi swoops in to pick up the first impression rose, and every dude salivates with his eyes trained on the rose, waiting to see where she is going with it. Nick V. is the lucky recipient, and he seems sincerely and adorably surprised.

Then it’s rose ceremony time. I always get a little nervous at the first ceremony, imagining how it’s possible to even remember the names of the guys I liked, let alone the entire pack. How these bachelors and bachelorettes don’t just point and wink at the good ones and moo at the bad ones, I’ll never know.

Bros stay and bros leave, and with that we’re under way. Our bachelorette is one step closer to marrying a dude with whom she’ll have spent 24 combined hours.

Hand over the rose cookies and no one gets hurt.
J, B & K