Last Week on the Bachelor, Episode 1

Class is in session, everyone. Sharpen your pencils, bust out your Trapper Keeper. This crew of dudes is here and ready to teach us a whole lot about love and Formula 1 racing (I literally don’t know what that is). You may recall a number of the lessons we learned last season. For the brochachos competing for Andi’s heart, the most important lesson was: don’t you dare mutter the words “It’s ok.” Seriously. Not even as a joke.

Let’s review what we’ve learned so far:

  1. Hotels are pretty lax about their lamp security. Brett the Haircut stepped out of the limo holding a generic looking floor lamp, which he proudly gifted to Andi, and confirmed he swiped from the hotel. #swoon
  2. It’s hard out there for a man with a blonde bob. Andi wasn’t feeling it. Next time try a distractingly large diamond earring, Dr. Jason.
  3. Bring. Cookies. Hello, why has no one done this before? Marquel won the episode when he showed up to his one-on-one time with Andi with a full platter of cookies. Marquel – 1 Every other human male – 0
  4. If your name rhymes with Anal, dating can be tough. There’s not much else to say about that one.
  5. Sometimes moderate to severe stalking doesn’t pay off. Chris Bukowski, who has never met Andi before, set up camp at the Bachelor mansion for a whole fucking week waiting for his chance to talk to the pretty girl he saw on TV.  It didn’t work.

At least Juan Pablo is nowhere in sight,


2 thoughts on “Last Week on the Bachelor, Episode 1

  1. Steven says:

    Juan Pablo is nowhere in sight… Yet!

    Great work, looking forward to this season!

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