Bach Fantasy

Well, amigos, we’ve reached the end of this journey together, and I am not complaining. Frankly, if I have to hear Juan Pablo claim that “he’s just being honest” while describing his latest act of douchebaggery one more time, I’m going to throttle him.

We’re in St. Lucia, and the entire Galavis clan shows up to talk some mild shit about JP to the women who are chomping at the bit to marry him.

Clare’s Date

Clare arrives first to meet Camila and field some softball questions from los padres y Rodolfo. Clare professes her love for JP to todo la familia, and doesn’t blink an eye when they tell her that he is rude and hyperactive. Clare, honey, when the people who are genetically required to love someone unconditionally warn you that he is kind of dick, LISTEN. Juan and Rodolfo have a charming conversation about how Clare is “begging for it,” and then the Galavises say adios to Clare.

Next up, Clare and JP reunite to go make out all over tropical paradise of St. Lucia. After a season with a notable lack of helicopter rides, Clare and JP climb in one and it spells the beginning of the end. The music stops and something is definitely wrong. Apparently, JP told Clare he doesn’t really know her, followed by something so awful and disrespectful to her that she won’t repeat it. She is shocked and horrified…but then she grasps his hand and follows him up the mountain.

We know that Clare redeems herself in the end, but GURL. When a guy responds to “Just tell me you love me” with “I really love f*cking you” (allegedly..), you snap your fingers in a Z formation and walk away without looking back.

Later on, Clare needs to confront him to get some answers. He hides behind his “honesty” and doesn’t even offer up a half-assed “IF I hurt your feelings I’m sorry.” He fumbles through the same series of phrases he recycles every time someone calls him on his shit, and Clare is satisfied and even more in love. *Smacks head*

Nikki’s Date

Now it’s Nikki’s turn to ignore JP’s family’s warnings about how much of a douche he is. She cycles through Mom, Dad, and Rodolfo, who all gently warn her that he is stubborn, selfish, and bails when the going gets tough in a relationship. Nikki reassures us that she knows Juan Pablo differently than everyone else, and I agree, though I think what she means is “less” than everyone else. Sure Nikki, your collective 10 hours together outweighs his family’s 30 years. Sigh.

Side note: I think the Bachelor producers are just OVER this season. They really phoned it in on these last dates. “Ugh. These three dum dums? Plop ‘em on a beach and then they can sit on the couch. We’re not even buying them dinner.”

Nikki and JP sit on the couch, and Nikki gives him a framed photo of them making out and a card professing her love. He basically nods and smiles. That’s it. That’s the date.

The Final Rose

The day is finally here. Both girls slip into a ball gown and spackle their faces with the most humidity proof makeup money can buy. Clare shows up first, and we all know what that means: she’s walking back through that sand in those heels a scorned woman.

Juan Pablo kindly lets Clare pour her heart out to him before he dishes out some vague, insincere compliments, and tells her she’s out. He tries to hug her, and Clare does what we all hoped she would do and blocks it. She rips into him (better late than never) and ends with a solid final dig, “I would never want my children to have a father like you.” She drops the mic, and wobbles back through the sand in her stilletos. JP mutters, “Woo. Glad I didn’t pick her,” and every woman in America suffered a rage blackout.

Nikki similarly pours her heart out, and JP tells her that he “likes her alot. A lot, a lot.” For a fleeting second, you can almost see Nikki coming to her senses. But instead, she accepts his rose, not a ring, and gives him a sad hug. And that’s how it ends.

After The Final Rose

My frustration with Nikki didn’t come so much from the fact that she accepted Juan Pablo’s lukewarm non-proposal in that moment. If you’re not ready to get married, then you shouldn’t. At that point, she could plead ignorance, as he hadn’t revealed himself to be a giant dickhead to her in particular. However, during the “After the Final Rose” show, I was just sad for her. After you’ve seen the man you love treat a series of other women with such callous disrespect, how do you not wake up and smell the bullshit?

JP bulldozed through Chris Harrison’s questions by, again, claiming he is just “honest” without considering for one second that his honesty may be hurtful to others. Instead of Chris fixating on getting JP to admit he loves Nikki, I would have liked for him to ask her, “How does it feel to watch the man you love hurt women without a single regret?” Or, ask Juan Pablo, “Would you want someone dating Camila to be as ‘honest’ as you are with the women you date?”

The whole interview with JP and Nikki was super awkward and uncomfortable, and you can tell Chris Harrison was like “Fuck this whole circus. I’m outta here.”

We end on a positive note by announcing Andi as the new bachelorette. It will be a nice change to have someone carrying the show who doesn’t have rocks for brains.

Now for some real honesty, thanks to all of you for following along with us through this ridiculous and often painful season. We’ll be back in May for Andi’s season and hope to see you then!

Juan Pablo, why are you such a skeeze?

-B, K, J

Surprise! It’s not over. What the eff, TV Guide? Anyway, here we go fantasy suites, here we go!

Clare and Juan in St. Lucia

Meanwhile on a yacht in St. Lucia, Clare is holding the fantasy suite invite over Juan Pablo’s head. Will she spend the night with him? Won’t she? We know these gals well enough that one “truss me” from Juan Pablo will send them out of their panties and into his sheets.

Clare and Juan Pablo “get to know each other better” in the fantasy suite, but not before Clare throws the conversation they had about swimming in the ocean in Vietnam back at Juan Pablo. He assures Clare that Camilla would approve of the two of them boning, and that’s that. Inside, Clare tells Juan Pablo that she’s in love with him, and he smiles at her. Then they take care of thawing out Clare’s icy heart in a hot tub.

Andi and Juan in St. Lucia 

Andi arrives, and the two of them take over the local band’s drums, and then they teach a disinterested toddler to take food and drink from strangers. Oh! And what do you know? The “locals” want to play soccer. You know, just the watered down “culture” that Bach contestants go bat shit for. They recap the hometown date under a waterfall.

Later on a bench with ample pillow reserves, Juan Pablo notices that Andi is thinking. He assures he that there is nothing wrong with thinking and throws out there that he won’t be sure that Andi is capable of being good mom until she pops one out. Can he trust her? He’s not sure. Ay ay ay. Juan Pablo doesn’t look like he could lift his foot to his mouth, but guess what? He can and does.

As for the fantasy suite, she goes, they drink some bubbly, and apparently, at some point after the cameras leave, Juan Pablo tells her that she barely made the top three or something like that. You know, a hilarious joke.

Then the dawn comes and with it the storm that turned out just to be a woman who saw through Juan’s bullshit. I clapped and whooped through Andi’s explanation of why she was O-V-E-R Juan Pablo. But first, Nikki wants to show her abs to the world.

Nikki and Juan Pablo in St. Lucia

The lovebirds go horseback riding, and Nikki decides that a tassle-boobed bikini and goucho pants are the appropriate uniform for that activity. Then they talk about the status of their feelings and their relationship for the rest of the day. BOR-ING. These people have been on like three one-on-one dates and they’re talking about their relationship? Might I recommend, “Do you have an income?” and, “What are your hobbies?”?

Nikki is the first to accept the fantasy suite without a long explanation of why. Go girl.

Following the formula perfectly, Nikki tells him that she loves him. He talks to her like a baby. WHAT’S TO LOVE?

Juan Pablo chats with Chris Harrison

Before the rose ceremony, Juan Pablo sits down with Chris Harrison to explain where he is in this journey. Chris tries to pry his way through the language barrier to the nothingness that is Juan Pablo’s brain. His questions seem meant for Camilla but are pointed at Juan Pablo: What does it mean to “like” someone? What it does it mean to feel “good”?  Before recess, Chris explains what those things mean in Americuh, in English.

Since Juan Pablo is super confused about which certified hottie to marry, he watches video messages from each of the girls in the hopes that something they say on screen will help him decide. Andi’s video mentions that she wants to tell him something in person.  DUH DUN DUN DUN.

Andi gets real with Juan 

Andi sits down to break Juan Pablo’s heart. She tells him that she’s going home, and he’s basically like, “Where’s the bus?” Home girl says everything I’ve been yelling at my TV for the last few weeks. My personal favorite part is when she tells Juan to stop saying “it’s okay” to everything. He says okay. He also shows zero emotion saying goodbye to a woman who he said only a few hours earlier that he could see being his wife. The great news is that, just like Renee, Andi will be fine. Okay? Okay. Iss okay.

Andi leaves, and Juan Pablo is like, “She should have just come to me and told me that she didn’t think it was going to work out.” Why didn’t she think of that!? He says the argument is what killed their relationship. That’s a listening man.

Rose ceremony

Chris Harrison walks Clare and Nikki into the rose ceremony and places them so close together it’s like he forgot Andi isn’t coming. What a meddler, but, I mean, TV drama is his career. Then Juan Pablo arrives, and, first and foremost, Nikki wants an answer NOW as to why her BFF, Andi, isn’t there. Juan Pablo explains his version of why Andi left and then the three of them toast to their love triangle.

Let us not forget that the girl who showed up with a soccer ball in her dress may win this show,

K

Who do you think takes home the final rose? Tell us in the comments. 

Something wicked this way comes. Is tonight the season finale? Chris Harrison is calling it a two-part “Bachelor event” but if you check your TV guide listing, it has next Monday listed as the “Women Tell All” with no episodes scheduled after that. WTF, ABC? Why the shenanigans?

Kansas City, Missouri: Nikki’s Hometown

First date! JP heads to Nikki’s hometown of Kansas City, Missouri, which isn’t known for its cowboys—like Nikki initially suggests—so much as it is known for its dead cows, in the form of BBQ. Juan Pablo loves him some Kansas City BBQ. He smacks his lips and makes noises like he’s in back in Vietnam in the ocean with Clare.

Nikki then makes him ride a mechanical bull in broad daylight in an empty bar.  How many Missouri bachelorettes have accidentally mooned the crowd at this bar while riding the bull? Probably too many to count. Hope he Lysol-ed that saddle before hopping on.

Nikki’s family seems sweet and wholesome. Not sure where her bitchiness comes from.

Atlanta, Georgia: Andi’s Hometown

JP’s tour through America’s heartland continues: BBQ and now guns. Andi says Juan Pablo can’t come home until he hits a bullseye at the gun range. Interestingly, Andi’s dad wants to make a bullseye out of Juan Pablo when he does come home.

Andi’s dad is named Hy, which I found both funny and intimidating. Never fuck with anybody with a one syllable name. Anyway, Hy gives Juan Pablo the third degree, and rightly so. He gets into date specifics, asking about one-on-ones and group dates and how many girls were left each week. In five minutes, Hy knows more about this season than Chris Harrison.

Andi asks her dad, “Are you worried?”

“Oh, absolutely,” he responds.

Listen, if you’re not worried about your daughter coming home with a silver-tongued, Spanish-speaking bach-e-lor who might potentially become your son-in-law after dating your daughter (and 26 other women) for 6 weeks, then you need to have your head checked.

In a private convo, Andi’s mom asks  Juan Pablo why likes her daughter. He begins with, “Well, obviously, she’s beautiful” and the only other reason he can think of is that “she has quick mind.” Try harder, Juan Pablo. That’s basically how I would describe my hair stylist, who is great and everything, but I’m not trying to spend eternity with her. Try harder.

But Juan Pablo’s verbal blunders are soon forgotten when he salsa dances with Andi’s mom, who lapped up the attention like a thirsty kitten taking to a bowl of milk.

Sarasota, Florida: Renee’s Hometown

I became a tad misty-eyed watching Renee reunite with her son. It seemed like a #REAL moment and I get the feeling she’s a really good mom (or as good of a mom as one can be whilst finding love on a reality show). Her son is so cute and well-mannered, and DANG did you see that catch in the outfield? Rookie of the year over here. I hope he gets drafted to the Marlins in a few years and Renee can date one of his teammates.

Renee’s parents are cute but I’m a sucker for sweet, old people. Ugh, I just want Renee to be happy. Screw this show.

Sacramento, California: Clare’s Hometown

Juan Pablo flies to Clare’s hometown of Sacramento and says to her, “I can’t wait to see why you are the way you are.” You, me, and the rest of America, JP. Clare has approximately three dozen older sisters who swarm in and out of the rooms throughout the dinner. Hey, at least Juan Pablo can see how Clare’s gonna age. (Hint: not as well as you’d think).

They recap their adventures around the world during dinner. After they tell the story about the group date in Vietnam and how they went swimming three times, one sister chimes in, “That’s a lot of swimming in one day!” Bahaha. Yeah, and it’s four swims if you count JP’s sperm.

I love when contestants (and people, in general) use their parents’ courtships from 30 years ago to justify their horrible dating decisions today. Clare says, “Mama and daddy only knew each other 3 weeks before they got married!” to her sister when trying to justify why she belongs with Juan Pablo. Realistically, Clare’s mom needed a green card or she was knocked up with the first of her 24 daughters. Settle the fetch down, Clare. And for god’s sake, you’re 32—call them mom and dad.

My favorite of Clare’s sisters was the one who slowly rubbed the little white dog in her lap (a la Dr. Evil) the entire time she talked to JP. She was also the one who said she was very happy when she noticed that JP touched Clare’s knee during dinner. Because that’s a signifier of eternal, everlasting love? Nikki was right—Clare’s crazy did come from somewhere.

And my favorite couple of the show, by far, is Juan Pablo and Clare’s mom, who suddenly busted out a rapid fire convo in Spanish. I could see those two working—JP in a leopard print speedo skimming the backyard pool while Clare’s mom suns herself on a chaise lounge.

Rose Ceremony

Renee gets sent home, all the while saying that JP taught her to love again and that he helped her realize there truly are great men out there. Huh? She even says that JP is “as good as they come.” Girl’s gotta get out of Sarasota, FL if Juan Pablo is the best dude she’s ever met.

We can’t believe the season is ending tonight,

J, K, and B

Who do you think takes home the final rose: Andi, Nikki, or Clare? Tell us in the comments!

Bienvenidos a Miami! Juan Pablo is back home and really shakes things up by swimming in a pool and kissing a blonde girl, though this time it’s Camila and a lot less yucky. After a brief chat with Adult Braces Cousin about how Sharleen may be the “one” (hashtag foreshadowing), Juan Pablo shows up at the ladies’ penthouse to invite Sharleen on a date that starts in ten minutes.

The date starts on a boat.

Sharleen and JP makeout. Sharleen giggles about the chemistry they have because they’re both pretty. Sharleen questions whether she can be with someone with rocks for brains forever and ever. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Snore.

Next up, it’s Nikki’s turn to audition for the role of Stepmom. So, she pulls on her favorite pair of denim underwear and heads to Camila’s dance recital. They watch Camila bailar while dodging same major side eye from Camila’s mom.

Their date continues as JP’s “office” – his words, not mine – the Miami Marlins stadium. What is Juan Pablo’s job? Still TBD. But, apparently this is where he works. He and Nikki have a picnic in the outfield, and Nikki drops the L-bomb to the camera. Yup. She’s in love with Juan Pablo. They’ve spent a total of 5 ½ hours together, and she definitely loves him. The rose on this date goes to Nikki’s boob tape.

Back at the penthouse, Sharleen rounds up the chicas to let them know that she decided to leave the show and is on her way to break the news to Juan Pablo. In one of the more real moments on the show, Sharleen fesses up to not getting the “forever” vibes from their relationship, and JP is very sweet and understanding. They whisper for a while, he demands that she stops crying and look at him, and then she leaves.

To cheer him up after the departure of his frontrunner, Juan Pablo gathers his harem for a beach picnic.  They take turns offering up their rawest feelings in an attempt to lock down a hometown date. In the end, Andi gets the rose and Clare’s eyes momentarily turn black. To rub salt in their wounds, Clare, Chelsie, and Renee are forced to board the Reject Plane and fly right over Andi and Juan Pablo making out in the ocean.

Back at the penthouse, tensions rise between Nikki and Clare and the gloves start to come off. Then, they put the gloves back on and have one of the more vanilla fights we’ve seen on this show. The most heated moments happen when they’re arguing over whether Nikki has the right to refer to the room they’re in as “hers.” My sister and I had more interesting fights as tweens over whose turn it was to play the Sims. Long story short: They hate each other and neither of them “owns” the hotel.

At the cocktail party, each lady shows up in her best bandage dress. In my favorite moment from the entire episode, Clare and Nikki share an excruciatingly awkward silence while on the couch alone. Again, like my sister and I as tweens, neither budges and talks first. JP shows up to break the silence and move them along to a rather anti-climactic rose ceremony, since we all know who is going home. I hope there was a consolation note from her family in the bundle the Chelsie brought to the beach with her, because her time is up. She heads home, leaving Andi, Clare, Nikki, and Renee as the final four.

We’re nearing the end, folks. And, to borrow a phrase from our Latin wordsmith himself, it looks like it will be “good.”

Did you pay for it?

B

Andi gets the first one-on-Juan date in New Zealand and quickly realizes they are nothing to write home about. Juan Pablo’s date idea is a combination of drenching her with cold water and then leaving her out in the wind until she freezes her tiny tuckus off. That tasteful one-piece turned out to be more strategic than fashionable. Any extra layers help on this “date,” where their activity is wading through a cold river and squeezing between boulders until they arrive at a “not cold” waterfall for the most Bachelor-y make out of all time. Juan Pablo’s got this Bachelor thing down pat. Each week he chooses an adventure sport he’s always wanted to try and then stuffs his tongue into the mouths of the women trying to converse with him. “Shut up and get engaged,” goes the motto of dating on TV.

Later, waterlogged Andi and Juan eat dinner under an active geyser. If you know what a geyser is, you may be thinking, but wouldn’t that be awfully wet? And you’d be right. It “rains” on their dinner so they take off to hang out on a bridge, where Andi whips out the boldest critique of the season, calling the mist “un-ideal.” She also declares that finding love is her number one pursuit in life. To this, Juan Pablo’s mouth says, very very much me too, but his thought bubble shows him in the middle of a naked dance party with Lucy in Thailand. Andi gets the rose.

On the group date the next day, Cassandra, Kat, Nikki, Chelsea, Sharleen, and Renee are treated to the FIRST REAL PICNIC OF THE SEASON. It’s about time, since we’re at episode 6. How are these people supposed to find love if they don’t picnic at altitude regularly? The ladies meet Juan Pablo in a windy field of cattle where they engage in some standard Bach fun – sitting on a blanket, sipping bevvies, and pretending like their hair getting blown into their face is fun. But, just kidding. Take off your clothes, ladies, because you’re actually going zorbing with your A.D.D. Bachelor. In case you’re unfamiliar with one of New Zealand’s signature pastimes, zorbing is rolling down a grassy hill inside a large inflatable ball filled with a bit of water. Surprisingly, not one of the ladies expresses a crippling fear of oversized beach balls, grass, or hills. The adventure is on, and soon they’re making out in the zorbs and mascara and limbs are all over the place. Just your standard fifth date.

Also, did I mention that Cassandra turns 22 and gets sent home on this group date? All that, plus the odds say she’ll come down with mono halfway through the 20-hour flight home. Hey, at least her worst birthday ever has come and gone.

Sharleen gets rewarded with the rose on the group date for shutting up about her feelings and licking his tonsils like a good girl.

On the last one-on-one date of the week, Juan pseudo apologizes to Clare, and then asks her to promise to never cry again. Ever. They make out on a riverbank. Later, somewhere where there is a couch, they talk more and put on sweatpants and dance and kiss for the cameras very comfortably. As much as his sleaziness and her blatancy annoy the shit out of me, they kind of work together. Clare gets the rose.

Before the rose ceremony, the ladies decide it’s time to get serious. Nikki expresses her feelings in a language Juan understands–making out. Renee sticks to her usual routine of chatting about the kiddos and sealing the night with a kiss. Chelsie gets serious about her feelings. Kat does too and caps it off with the quite story from her tough childhood. Then Kat goes home, but not before giving the limo interview of all limo interviews. You know the one where she explains through tears that going home tonight all but ensures she’ll be alone forever and that she really saw a future with him. YOU’VE BEEN DATING NON-EXCLUSIVELY FOR FIVE DATES AND YOU NEVER EVEN KISSED. Where’s Doctor Laura when we need her?

Meet you in Miami,
K

P.S. We’re still on Twitter, and we generally live-tweet each episode, once on the east coast and once on the west coast. Also, you can sign up to have these posts delivered to your inbox by entering your email address at the bottom of the page.

The Bachelor continues its “Tour de Countries The U.S. Has Invaded”…from Korea onto Vietnam! Afghanistan is next.

First One-on-One Date: Renee

Renee gets the first one-on-one date and she says JP makes her palms hurt, which she should have checked out. I’ve never actually felt my palms, ya know? Mama Nee Nee is super chill and mature and would definitely make the best stepmom for Camila, which means she totally is not getting the Final Rose. In a nice departure from the usual one-on-one date shenanigans—”Prove you’re into me by diving headfirst off this bridge!”—Juan Pablo sorta pampers Renee. He carts her around in a pedicab, sweetly fans her during a dress fitting, and buys her gifts.

I could get used to being bicycled around by JP. True story, I demanded to be pushed around in my stroller as a child until I could no longer physically fit in it at age 6. Why walk when you can be wheeled around.

There’s always one episode each season where the contestants offend an entire nation by dressing in “traditional” garb and pretending to have profound insights about the country’s culture. “Everything here is like, so old and beautiful!” This is the equivalent of coming to the U.S. and dressing up like you’re posing for one of those Wild West photos at Great America. Here, we have a traditional American prostitute wearing a historically accurate feather boa, and an outlaw with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

All in all, Renee comes off like a level-headed class act who is too good for this show, which means she will be wind up in the emotional wood chipper in two or three episodes. Run, Renee! Take that new dress and run!

Group Date

The group date starts off with Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Alli, Danielle, and Andi rowing in what appears to be large baskets down a river. Clare manages to position herself in JP’s basket and he steals a smooch. Dude is digging her.

Andi freaks out that she’s not getting any one-on-one dates. Juan Pablo says, “Trussssss me” and she’s like, “I feel soooo much better.” Powerful stuff. He should patent that catchphrase.

Sharleen does her weird, manipulative flirting technique where she fishes for compliments. He calls her cute and she responds: “Is that a good thing?” Oh, shut up. Though she does have one of my favorite quotes of the night: “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”

Clare and JP make out in his private pool during the group date and surprise, surprise, she gets the rose! Clare is winning this episode, you guys. While all the other girls are braiding each other’s hair and gossiping about their feelings, Clare sneaks off for a midnight swim with Juan Pablo. She says: “We just went for it and I don’t regret it.” WAIT, did they just have sex in the ocean or what? ABC wastes our time with 20+ minutes of Victoria stomping around and crying in the bathroom a few episodes ago, and this encounter gets 30 seconds of airtime. The producers hate us.

Afterward, Clare compares “it” (whatever it is) to how a baby giraffe can’t walk at first. Lose the metaphors, did he get it in or not?

Second One-on-One Date: Nikki

At the next one-on-one, Nikki and JP traipse around Marble Mountain and rappel into a giant hole. Is that another metaphor for what happened last night? Wouldn’t ya know it—Nikki’s afraid of heights. Just once, can there be a contestant who’s like, “Rappelling?! Fuck yeah! Me first!”

Instead, they trot out the old “I’m scared // It’s okay, trussss me” dance routine. To her credit, Nikki appears to be genuinely freaked out, unlike Clare who pretended to have a fear of octopus last episode in order to get JP to hand-feed her a “foreign delicacy” that is available in all of the contiguous United States.

Nikki says: “I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants” and I think that’s going to be my new daily affirmation. Those really are the three choices we all face daily. They pause on a ledge midway down the cave to kiss and JP’s lips are so powerful that Nikki draws courage from them and “finds the strength to keep going.” I juana bottle that kiss and sell it. Shit seems potent.

Like real thrill-seekers, they make out at the bottom of the cave. In the next shot, they’re freshly showered and coiffed. Don’t you always wonder where they go to freshen up midway through these one-on-one dates? They have a little chat. Juan Pablo can’t pronounce “pediatrician” despite definitely having one in his life regularly thanks to Camila. Nikki Da Nurse gets the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Juan Pablo tells Clare he regrets their sexy time in the ocean because Camila might watch the show and think less of him. In what world does your five-year-old have unfettered access to “The Bachelor”? Quit worrying about 5-year-old Camila and 8-year-old Ben (Mama Nee Nee’s son) because they are not tuning in every Monday night like the rest of us chumps. They’re asleep because they are children.

Alli, Kelly, and Danielle go home. This is probably the last week where we’ll say goodbye to girls who’ve had less than 30 seconds of collective screen time. It’s about to get much more real.

I hope you see me as a woolly mammoth in a room full of bison,

J

P.S. Did you know we’re on Twitter? We live-tweet each episode, once on the east coast and once on the west coast. Also, you can sign up to have these posts delivered to your inbox by entering your email address at the bottom of the page.

Gone were the women at The Bachelor mansion this week, and here instead was a pride of hunting lionesses in tassel-boobed bikinis. Emotions were high, and Juannie lip-locked all over town. We’ve made it to the place in the season where the ladies realize that they’re all dating the same man. It only took this deft group 3 weeks.

We start with Cassandra like totally getting the first one-on-Juan date of the week. In response, and in her most eloquent interview of the season, she was all, “coooool.” So girlfriend heads down to the marina where Juan Pablo has a duck boat-jeep crossover waiting for them. It’s a watery joy ride with Juan Pablo at the wheel. Leave it to this Bachelor to make the people partying on yachts jealous. Plus, five points to Gryffindor for giving us muggles water cars.

Then it’s back to JP’s house in LA, which apparently he has. He cooks dinner, the former NBA dancer stiffly gyrates with El Bachelor sans poms, they share kid photos, and she gets the rose. I don’t get it.

On to the field day competition.

The group date at the soccer field finally offers the lionesses an outlet for their aggression. Nikki, Andi and a few others play the soccer game like it’s the final rose ceremony, and Kelly wanders out to left field where she makes a daisy chain collar for Molly. Then, in a moment of giving annoying people what they deserve, Sharleen gets hit in the face with a soccer ball more than once. There is a god, and he finds hitting people in the head with balls as hilarious as I do.

Rewind. Watch again. Cackle. Sharleen laughs it off like a champ, showing a rare moment of likeability and getting a stamp of approval from JP as the other girls’s eyes turn red.

Tensions remain high off the grass, where next on the field day list of activities is the shortest, tightest dress competition. Sharleen leads the charge in a white scrap, and I think we’re gonna get some blurred body part points when Juan Pablo lays a blanket down for them to sit on. Alas, we don’t, which can only mean Sharleen is playing an editor at the show too.

The final event of the group date is a make out relay race with Juan Pablo as the baton, the bat-juan if you will. Andi chooses an abandoned hot dog kitchen for her make out. Sharleen goes for the center stage make out with JP on the soccer field. Shocking. The rest of the ladies look on like peering meerkats jutting their necks up to get a peak. No one is happy, until Nikki gets the rose on the group date. Anyone but Sharleen.

Back at the ranch, Elise makes zero effort to hide her anger when Chelsie gets the last one-on-Juan date of the week. Chelsie can’t be taken seriously as an adult, says Elise as she lounges poolside with a full blowout.

Juan Pablo kicks off his date with Chelsie by introducing her to his favorite Venezuelan comida, and man is she up for the challenge. Actually, Chelsie might think she’s on Fear Factor, where if she doesn’t complete the task, she’s sent home. So guess what? Venezuelan food is her favorite. 

Okay, now, on the count of three, name a thing you’d want to do after stuffing your face with fried cheese. One. Two. PASSINGOUTIMEANBUNGEEJUMPING! The pair is secured in a tandem bungee jumping harness and standing on a platform attached to a dumpy bridge in Pasadena, when Chelsie starts to freak. Juan Pablo shines as he hugs and assures her that she doesn’t have to do it. Much like my bungee jumping experience, it takes a few trips to the end of the platform before Chelsie puts on her game face and hauls herself off of a bridge in the name of love.

They celebrate living through their death jump with dinner at a lit up city hall. Chelsie gets the rose. Elise is gonna blow.

The best part of this episode comes next, when Juan Pablo shows up to the house unannounced to make the ladies Venezuelan breakfast. Kelly is the first to notice him slaving away in the kitchen and offers the man she’s seeing an office-appropriate good morning before continuing on her way. It’s clear by the amount of makeup and the cuteness of the “payamas” each girl is wearing who Kelly was able to warn about Juan Pablo being downstairs. Clare looks impeccable, while Renee admits to not having brushed her teeth. Still she hugs him and says good morning in a way that feels realer than we’re used to on this show.

On a full stomach, Juan Pablo makes the executive decision to cancel the cocktail party and host a pool party instead. Everyone is excited, but Lucy, who it turns out did remember a bathing suit top (though an ill-fitting one at that), is ecstatic.

Outside, a lot of girls get annoyed of Kat and Sharleen who have no qualms about maximizing their JP time. Sharleen gets weird and manipulative on Juan Pablo. Again. He seems less enthused this time and Sharleen’s days seem limited. Clare can’t take it that she and JP aren’t married yet. She cries in the bathroom, and then feels better after a few pats on the pierna from Juan Pablo.

Then it’s rose ceremony time. Lucy’s reality TV debut ends, but I have a feeling we’ll see more of this topless party girl. Christy leaves too. Who?

That mansion ain’t big enough for all them,

K

How’s your team shaping up? Does anyone like Sharleen? 

Buckle up, amigos. I smell crazy and it’s coming from my TV. 

Like most TV that’s worth watching, we open on a beach and span to the scantily clad Juan Pablo, who makes running shirtless for the camera look regular, even doable. We’re in Miami to get a look at Juan Pablo’s daily life. Open on Juan Pablo driving his Jeep. Cut to Juan Pablo working picking up a bat for a Venezuelan museum. (Can no one on this show have a real job?) And over to Juan Pablo…breakdancing under a freeway? I’ll allow it.

Next Juannie invites us along as he picks up Camilla from school, but his bulging biceps need no assist in lifting her into his embrace, as sweet Spanish love declarations spill out of his boca. So this is what’s it’s like to be La Mujer in J.Pablo’s life.

Back at the car, Juan Pablo has una cancion española he wants to play sing over for Camilla. (Again, I’ll allow it.) Camilla bobs her head along and waves to the camera all the way to grandma’s house, where we meet the rest of the fam. Juan Pablo’s family is among the most laid back we’ve met on this show. His family pokes fun at him for being the family charmer and no one cries or gives serious advice on how to fall in love on a TV show. To them, this “journey” seems like the latest aventura in Juannie’s vida loca.

At this point, the only thing left to do before meeting the 27 women was to have a man-chat with former Bachelor and now happily-married man, Sean. His advice was simple: 1) Explain to the ladies right away that he’s bad with names, and 2) Kiss every woman he can, BUT—and this is a big but that Sean learned the hard way—don’t let the other girls see you. Can you feel yourself getting smarter, yet?

Next, we’re introduced to a series of lovely señoritas, shown reflecting on life and love while enjoying the beauty of their local flora and fauna. I, too, find that I do my best reflecting when coated with a fresh spray tan, so I get it. The standout of the first montage is Amy J., flying her freak flag high and proud and rocking a rather blunt set of bangs. We meet Amy while she is going about her daily business of practicing yoga on a massage client’s back. Why wouldn’t she be doing that?

We also meet Lucy, “employed” as a “free spirit” and a self-proclaimed “hippie.” In case you’re new and don’t speak Bachelorese yet, that roughly translates to “Someone else is financially supporting me and I use their money to buy loose and flowy designer clothes.”

Cue the “Chariots of Fire.” It’s limo time, betch.

The limo introductions go rather smoothly, albeit awkwardly at times. Juan Pablo is adorable and charming in his interactions with each of the ladies, which is more than I would be able to say if I were in his shoes. The second I touched the pillow-fetus under Clare’s gown, I would have thanked her for her time and escorted her right back to that limo. Ladies of the world, when has pretending to be pregnant ever had a happy ending? JP politely smiles through all the chemistry jokes, unconventional entries (looking at you, girl who drove a piano to the cocktail party), and “Spanish” speaking. What a sport.

The cocktail party is business as usual, if your business usually involves a grown woman greasing up your suit jacket with essential oils and cooing at your feet while you get to know each other. It wouldn’t be a Bachelor premiere without at least one emotional breakdown, and Lauren H volunteers as tribute, dragging her emotional baggage from room-to-room like an IV. Girlfriend was clearly not ready for this show, and wastes no time making that painfully and awkwardly clear to Juan Pablo and America. Once they show you gazing wistfully at your never-used wedding dress in your intro, there’s only one place to go and it’s not a helicopter or hot tub.

In a surprise twist, Sharleen snags the First Impression Rose. Too soon to tell if Sharleen is an ice queen who will do the Mexican hatdance on JP’s heart or if she’s just playing hard-to-get.

The rose ceremony is a bit of a blur—feels like roll call in a crowded classroom—until we witness our first particularly cringe-worthy moment of the season. JP clearly calls out “Kat” but Kylie mishears him and steps forward to claim her rose, wearing a ball gown from Pepto Bismol’s new evening wear line. Head desk.

While Bachelors past have never shied away from una senorita loca, Amy’s particular brand of crazy is weird enough to get featured on the premiere, but ultimately not to stick around for more shenanigans with Juan Pablo. We also say adios to Lauren H, Kylie, Alexis, Lacy, Valerie, Maggie, and Christine.

May the roses be ever in your favor,

B, K, J