Something wicked this way comes. Is tonight the season finale? Chris Harrison is calling it a two-part “Bachelor event” but if you check your TV guide listing, it has next Monday listed as the “Women Tell All” with no episodes scheduled after that. WTF, ABC? Why the shenanigans?
Kansas City, Missouri: Nikki’s Hometown
First date! JP heads to Nikki’s hometown of Kansas City, Missouri, which isn’t known for its cowboys—like Nikki initially suggests—so much as it is known for its dead cows, in the form of BBQ. Juan Pablo loves him some Kansas City BBQ. He smacks his lips and makes noises like he’s in back in Vietnam in the ocean with Clare.
Nikki then makes him ride a mechanical bull in broad daylight in an empty bar. How many Missouri bachelorettes have accidentally mooned the crowd at this bar while riding the bull? Probably too many to count. Hope he Lysol-ed that saddle before hopping on.
Nikki’s family seems sweet and wholesome. Not sure where her bitchiness comes from.
Atlanta, Georgia: Andi’s Hometown
JP’s tour through America’s heartland continues: BBQ and now guns. Andi says Juan Pablo can’t come home until he hits a bullseye at the gun range. Interestingly, Andi’s dad wants to make a bullseye out of Juan Pablo when he does come home.
Andi’s dad is named Hy, which I found both funny and intimidating. Never fuck with anybody with a one syllable name. Anyway, Hy gives Juan Pablo the third degree, and rightly so. He gets into date specifics, asking about one-on-ones and group dates and how many girls were left each week. In five minutes, Hy knows more about this season than Chris Harrison.
Andi asks her dad, “Are you worried?”
“Oh, absolutely,” he responds.
Listen, if you’re not worried about your daughter coming home with a silver-tongued, Spanish-speaking bach-e-lor who might potentially become your son-in-law after dating your daughter (and 26 other women) for 6 weeks, then you need to have your head checked.
In a private convo, Andi’s mom asks Juan Pablo why likes her daughter. He begins with, “Well, obviously, she’s beautiful” and the only other reason he can think of is that “she has quick mind.” Try harder, Juan Pablo. That’s basically how I would describe my hair stylist, who is great and everything, but I’m not trying to spend eternity with her. Try harder.
But Juan Pablo’s verbal blunders are soon forgotten when he salsa dances with Andi’s mom, who lapped up the attention like a thirsty kitten taking to a bowl of milk.
Sarasota, Florida: Renee’s Hometown
I became a tad misty-eyed watching Renee reunite with her son. It seemed like a #REAL moment and I get the feeling she’s a really good mom (or as good of a mom as one can be whilst finding love on a reality show). Her son is so cute and well-mannered, and DANG did you see that catch in the outfield? Rookie of the year over here. I hope he gets drafted to the Marlins in a few years and Renee can date one of his teammates.
Renee’s parents are cute but I’m a sucker for sweet, old people. Ugh, I just want Renee to be happy. Screw this show.
Sacramento, California: Clare’s Hometown
Juan Pablo flies to Clare’s hometown of Sacramento and says to her, “I can’t wait to see why you are the way you are.” You, me, and the rest of America, JP. Clare has approximately three dozen older sisters who swarm in and out of the rooms throughout the dinner. Hey, at least Juan Pablo can see how Clare’s gonna age. (Hint: not as well as you’d think).
They recap their adventures around the world during dinner. After they tell the story about the group date in Vietnam and how they went swimming three times, one sister chimes in, “That’s a lot of swimming in one day!” Bahaha. Yeah, and it’s four swims if you count JP’s sperm.
I love when contestants (and people, in general) use their parents’ courtships from 30 years ago to justify their horrible dating decisions today. Clare says, “Mama and daddy only knew each other 3 weeks before they got married!” to her sister when trying to justify why she belongs with Juan Pablo. Realistically, Clare’s mom needed a green card or she was knocked up with the first of her 24 daughters. Settle the fetch down, Clare. And for god’s sake, you’re 32—call them mom and dad.
My favorite of Clare’s sisters was the one who slowly rubbed the little white dog in her lap (a la Dr. Evil) the entire time she talked to JP. She was also the one who said she was very happy when she noticed that JP touched Clare’s knee during dinner. Because that’s a signifier of eternal, everlasting love? Nikki was right—Clare’s crazy did come from somewhere.
And my favorite couple of the show, by far, is Juan Pablo and Clare’s mom, who suddenly busted out a rapid fire convo in Spanish. I could see those two working—JP in a leopard print speedo skimming the backyard pool while Clare’s mom suns herself on a chaise lounge.
Renee gets sent home, all the while saying that JP taught her to love again and that he helped her realize there truly are great men out there. Huh? She even says that JP is “as good as they come.” Girl’s gotta get out of Sarasota, FL if Juan Pablo is the best dude she’s ever met.
We can’t believe the season is ending tonight,
J, K, and B