Gone were the women at The Bachelor mansion this week, and here instead was a pride of hunting lionesses in tassel-boobed bikinis. Emotions were high, and Juannie lip-locked all over town. We’ve made it to the place in the season where the ladies realize that they’re all dating the same man. It only took this deft group 3 weeks.
We start with Cassandra like totally getting the first one-on-Juan date of the week. In response, and in her most eloquent interview of the season, she was all, “coooool.” So girlfriend heads down to the marina where Juan Pablo has a duck boat-jeep crossover waiting for them. It’s a watery joy ride with Juan Pablo at the wheel. Leave it to this Bachelor to make the people partying on yachts jealous. Plus, five points to Gryffindor for giving us muggles water cars.
Then it’s back to JP’s house in LA, which apparently he has. He cooks dinner, the former NBA dancer stiffly gyrates with El Bachelor sans poms, they share kid photos, and she gets the rose. I don’t get it.
On to the field day competition.
The group date at the soccer field finally offers the lionesses an outlet for their aggression. Nikki, Andi and a few others play the soccer game like it’s the final rose ceremony, and Kelly wanders out to left field where she makes a daisy chain collar for Molly. Then, in a moment of giving annoying people what they deserve, Sharleen gets hit in the face with a soccer ball more than once. There is a god, and he finds hitting people in the head with balls as hilarious as I do.
Rewind. Watch again. Cackle. Sharleen laughs it off like a champ, showing a rare moment of likeability and getting a stamp of approval from JP as the other girls’s eyes turn red.
Tensions remain high off the grass, where next on the field day list of activities is the shortest, tightest dress competition. Sharleen leads the charge in a white scrap, and I think we’re gonna get some blurred body part points when Juan Pablo lays a blanket down for them to sit on. Alas, we don’t, which can only mean Sharleen is playing an editor at the show too.
The final event of the group date is a make out relay race with Juan Pablo as the baton, the bat-juan if you will. Andi chooses an abandoned hot dog kitchen for her make out. Sharleen goes for the center stage make out with JP on the soccer field. Shocking. The rest of the ladies look on like peering meerkats jutting their necks up to get a peak. No one is happy, until Nikki gets the rose on the group date. Anyone but Sharleen.
Back at the ranch, Elise makes zero effort to hide her anger when Chelsie gets the last one-on-Juan date of the week. Chelsie can’t be taken seriously as an adult, says Elise as she lounges poolside with a full blowout.
Juan Pablo kicks off his date with Chelsie by introducing her to his favorite Venezuelan comida, and man is she up for the challenge. Actually, Chelsie might think she’s on Fear Factor, where if she doesn’t complete the task, she’s sent home. So guess what? Venezuelan food is her favorite.
Okay, now, on the count of three, name a thing you’d want to do after stuffing your face with fried cheese. One. Two. PASSINGOUTIMEANBUNGEEJUMPING! The pair is secured in a tandem bungee jumping harness and standing on a platform attached to a dumpy bridge in Pasadena, when Chelsie starts to freak. Juan Pablo shines as he hugs and assures her that she doesn’t have to do it. Much like my bungee jumping experience, it takes a few trips to the end of the platform before Chelsie puts on her game face and hauls herself off of a bridge in the name of love.
They celebrate living through their death jump with dinner at a lit up city hall. Chelsie gets the rose. Elise is gonna blow.
The best part of this episode comes next, when Juan Pablo shows up to the house unannounced to make the ladies Venezuelan breakfast. Kelly is the first to notice him slaving away in the kitchen and offers the man she’s seeing an office-appropriate good morning before continuing on her way. It’s clear by the amount of makeup and the cuteness of the “payamas” each girl is wearing who Kelly was able to warn about Juan Pablo being downstairs. Clare looks impeccable, while Renee admits to not having brushed her teeth. Still she hugs him and says good morning in a way that feels realer than we’re used to on this show.
On a full stomach, Juan Pablo makes the executive decision to cancel the cocktail party and host a pool party instead. Everyone is excited, but Lucy, who it turns out did remember a bathing suit top (though an ill-fitting one at that), is ecstatic.
Outside, a lot of girls get annoyed of Kat and Sharleen who have no qualms about maximizing their JP time. Sharleen gets weird and manipulative on Juan Pablo. Again. He seems less enthused this time and Sharleen’s days seem limited. Clare can’t take it that she and JP aren’t married yet. She cries in the bathroom, and then feels better after a few pats on the pierna from Juan Pablo.
Then it’s rose ceremony time. Lucy’s reality TV debut ends, but I have a feeling we’ll see more of this topless party girl. Christy leaves too. Who?
That mansion ain’t big enough for all them,
How’s your team shaping up? Does anyone like Sharleen?