Bach Fantasy

It’s here: week four of The Olivia Show. Now that Lace is gone, the Reservoir of Crazy has fallen to dangerously low levels. That’s why the producers are forcing Ben at knifepoint to keep Olivia around.

Chris Harrison starts the episode by telling the women that Ben is no longer in LA. A few of them look truly terrified, as if Harrison is some sociopath that came to tell them Ben had been kidnapped with a smile on his face. Others (AKA those who have seen and/or been on this show) recognize this as a clue that they are about to travel somewhere. Turns out it’s Vegas, which is like 4 hours from where they already are.  

The girls arrive at their suite, and find out that JoJo is going on the first one on one date with Ben. She dusts off her best pair of daisy dukes and meets Ben on an expanse of concrete for a glass of champagne. Guys, you’ll never believe this, but a helicopter appears above them. It’s for them! They’re going on a helicopter! The twists and turns on this show, I tell you. In perhaps my favorite moment of the series, the gusts coming off the chopper knock over their champagne table and glasses, and Ben and JoJo duck and cover behind it. #unscripted

I honestly forget what happens on the rest of their date, so that’s how you know that was really good. I’m pretty sure they stood outside somewhere and JoJo showered Ben with gratitude for choosing to spend 3 hours with her this week. They kiss a lot, etc.

This week’s group date has a theme and it’s humiliation (though that’s arguably the theme of this whole show). Ben takes the women to some tourist trap headlined by Terry FartNoise and a bunch of puppets. I’m sure he’s big in the puppet world and all, but his show would be like my 99th choice for a date. I’d prefer Alex Morgan kicking a soccer ball directly at my face over this show.

To make it worse for everyone involved, but mostly the audience of sweet and unsuspecting geriatrics, the girls are each going to perform a “talent” to open the show. Most of the girls choose something silly that clearly communicates they are in on the joke. Olivia chooses to put on a sequined headdress and bikini and perform…something. She hobbles out of a cake and then awkwardly prances around and attempts some high kicks while the rest of us, Ben included, cringe in our seats.

The point Olivia was trying to make to Ben

Self-awareness is a fickle bitch. On one hand, Olivia wasn’t self-aware enough to stop herself from getting in that cake or wearing that headdress. But then she quickly and accurately identified her post-performance hug from Ben as a pity hug. Right on, girl. Then in the blink of an eye she’s basically telling us that she and Ben are Allie and Noah from The Notebook.

Next, Becca gets a wedding dress and the one-on-one date. Ladies, do not try this at home. Do NOT wear a wedding dress on your first date. This tactic is only to be tried in the alternate Bschelor Universe. Ben and Becca spend the day officiating Vegas weddings, then find a nice cozy spot among a collection of broken down neon signs to discuss their virginities. I can’t think of the last time one of my first dates didn’t end that way.

The next day, Ben decides, is the day when he will both have his first conversations with the twins AND send one of them home. He invites them on a surprise date to their own house. They show Ben their bedrooms, which have not been professionally staged, and we are immediately reminded that these two are 22.

The twins’ mom offers to help Ben decide which of her daughters to dump. She tells him that Emily always gets more attention and that Haley has a hard time opening up and letting her guard down. Fifteen seconds later Ben dumps Haley in front of mom and their four dachshunds. Emily seems sad on the walk from the house to the limo, then starts sucking Ben’s face as soon as they’re in the car. What sister?

The cocktail party this week is relatively uneventful. Olivia apologizes for her Gypsy Rose Lee impression once again while sharing a piece of cake with Ben and antagonizing the other women. In the end, Ben sends home Amber and Rachel packing, honoring his contractual obligation to keep Olivia on the show until the producers decide her shtick is stale.

And just like that, we’re a third of the way into the season of #TheBach. Time flies when you’re drunk.

The first date card comes and one of the remaining Laurens is selected. This Lauren is likeable and sweet and we are universally Happy For Her. She and Ben don some old school Snoopy helmets and take off on a plane the size of the average canoe. Lauren B., a flight attendant, convinces us that she is excited to be flying in this plane with Ben. At least she doesn’t have to passive aggressively remind anyone to return their seat back to an upright position on the date.

They enjoy some beautiful views of the California coast, skywrite the shape of a middle finger over the Bachelor Mansion, and then land in the middle of a brown field with a Jacuzzi™ stuck right in the middle. It’s unclear whether this is the same hot tub that Caila and Ben sampled/Kevin Hart marinated his junk in during the last episode. Don’t look at me for answers; Chris Harrison won’t return my texts.

They also “eat” dinner and dance to music by some middle-aged country band that Ben and Lauren pretend to know and care about. Lauren B. gets the rose and we’re all bored. I’m a fan of Lauren B., but we have way juicier cankles to cover.

Up next is the group date, and it’s the tried and true Sports Showdown date. Superstar Badasses Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara are tapped to coach the two teams. It’s a fruitless effort, since what results is a rat’s nest of arms, legs, and blonde highlights tumbling up and down a soccer field.

In a move NO ONE SAW COMING, the losers have to leave after the game and the winners get to share Ben among five girls instead of 10. Dreams really do come true.

During the post-soccer portion of the date, the women who just earlier had been teammates, (fiercely united by their desire to win five-on-one time with Ben) turn against each other to compete for 90 seconds of conversation with Ben. The girls talk shit about Olivia’s fat toes and I’ve literally never been more interested in what’s happening on my TV. Must. See. The. Toes. Oh, also, Amber gets the rose.

The ladies back at HQ eagerly await the last date card for the week. Because of the least subtle foreshadowing ever, we know this is going to Jubilee. As she preps for the date, it’s clear that she is slightly more anxious than the robots they typically cast on this show.

Ben arrives 20 minutes late, and Jubilee serves him some light sass. If her sass were on a menu at a Mexican restaurant, it would have no more than two chili peppers next to it. The other girls act as if Jubes straight up rocked him in the teeth. To add insult to injury, Jubliee then jokingly offers her date to someone else because she is afraid of helicopters. She may as well have punched Ben in the teeth this time; I think the girls would have reacted more mildly, because apparently, this was deeply offensive.

On their date, Jubilee is awkwardly charming and REAL. The producers must have forgotten to install her pullstring because instead of reciting the same old script to Ben in between sips of champagne, she jokes around and shares her actual Feelings and Thoughts.

At dinner, Jubliee shares details of her past with Ben. Unlike some former contestants who discuss tragic events in their lives, Jubliee seems authentic and vulnerable during this conversation, rather than thirsty. Ben digs her, and so do we.

The cocktail party starts on a somber note, as Ben tells the women that he just found out that two family friends were killed tragically in an accident. Most of the ladies stir up all the emotional intelligence they can find to comfort him. Olivia, however, decides this is the right time for her to open up emotionally to Ben. About her cankles. This fool actually got choked up telling Ben about how hard it was to be strong all the time. About her cankles. This is probably a giant red flag that a lifelong partnership with Olivia would be more of a dictatorship. Somehow, though, she is not the most hated girl in the mansion at this point.

The women wasted no time turning against Jubliee after the heinous crime she committed earlier. As Jubliee meanders around the house, just tryna eat snackz and mingle, voiceovers from various women take a mean turn. Two girls walk away to “”fix their lipgloss” as Jubilee approaches to hang, and Lauren H. remarks that she just can’t see Jubliee hanging with the soccer moms and setting up playdates for the kids. Listen, I’m not here to accuse people of being racist; that’s a pretty serious thing to call someone and doing so has consequences. However, this whole series felt unnecessarily aggressive toward Jubilee and the comments about her being unlike the other girls and not Ben’s type were tone-deaf at best. Ok, back to #jokes.

Amber, drunk with the power of the group date rose, leads the charge in cornering Jubliee. Jubilee, uninterested in this foolishness, walks away from the Plastics trying to chew her out for making a joke. Ben figures out that something is up (aka a producer alerted him that someone was crying to move the story along) and tries to comfort Jubilee. Amber, who we now all know is a fucking idiot, decides to approach them both to discuss it. Because guys love this stuff. Ben shuts her shit DOWN and Amber retreats with her tail between her legs.

Amber is safe…for now. The same can’t be said for Lace, who escorts herself off the show to do some work on herself before she enters into a lifelong union. Peace be with her. We also bid adieu to Shushanna and Jami. Another week bites the dust.