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Season 20 Episode 4: Recap

It’s here: week four of The Olivia Show. Now that Lace is gone, the Reservoir of Crazy has fallen to dangerously low levels. That’s why the producers are forcing Ben at knifepoint to keep Olivia around.

Chris Harrison starts the episode by telling the women that Ben is no longer in LA. A few of them look truly terrified, as if Harrison is some sociopath that came to tell them Ben had been kidnapped with a smile on his face. Others (AKA those who have seen and/or been on this show) recognize this as a clue that they are about to travel somewhere. Turns out it’s Vegas, which is like 4 hours from where they already are.  

The girls arrive at their suite, and find out that JoJo is going on the first one on one date with Ben. She dusts off her best pair of daisy dukes and meets Ben on an expanse of concrete for a glass of champagne. Guys, you’ll never believe this, but a helicopter appears above them. It’s for them! They’re going on a helicopter! The twists and turns on this show, I tell you. In perhaps my favorite moment of the series, the gusts coming off the chopper knock over their champagne table and glasses, and Ben and JoJo duck and cover behind it. #unscripted

I honestly forget what happens on the rest of their date, so that’s how you know that was really good. I’m pretty sure they stood outside somewhere and JoJo showered Ben with gratitude for choosing to spend 3 hours with her this week. They kiss a lot, etc.

This week’s group date has a theme and it’s humiliation (though that’s arguably the theme of this whole show). Ben takes the women to some tourist trap headlined by Terry FartNoise and a bunch of puppets. I’m sure he’s big in the puppet world and all, but his show would be like my 99th choice for a date. I’d prefer Alex Morgan kicking a soccer ball directly at my face over this show.

To make it worse for everyone involved, but mostly the audience of sweet and unsuspecting geriatrics, the girls are each going to perform a “talent” to open the show. Most of the girls choose something silly that clearly communicates they are in on the joke. Olivia chooses to put on a sequined headdress and bikini and perform…something. She hobbles out of a cake and then awkwardly prances around and attempts some high kicks while the rest of us, Ben included, cringe in our seats.

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The point Olivia was trying to make to Ben

Self-awareness is a fickle bitch. On one hand, Olivia wasn’t self-aware enough to stop herself from getting in that cake or wearing that headdress. But then she quickly and accurately identified her post-performance hug from Ben as a pity hug. Right on, girl. Then in the blink of an eye she’s basically telling us that she and Ben are Allie and Noah from The Notebook.

Next, Becca gets a wedding dress and the one-on-one date. Ladies, do not try this at home. Do NOT wear a wedding dress on your first date. This tactic is only to be tried in the alternate Bschelor Universe. Ben and Becca spend the day officiating Vegas weddings, then find a nice cozy spot among a collection of broken down neon signs to discuss their virginities. I can’t think of the last time one of my first dates didn’t end that way.

The next day, Ben decides, is the day when he will both have his first conversations with the twins AND send one of them home. He invites them on a surprise date to their own house. They show Ben their bedrooms, which have not been professionally staged, and we are immediately reminded that these two are 22.

The twins’ mom offers to help Ben decide which of her daughters to dump. She tells him that Emily always gets more attention and that Haley has a hard time opening up and letting her guard down. Fifteen seconds later Ben dumps Haley in front of mom and their four dachshunds. Emily seems sad on the walk from the house to the limo, then starts sucking Ben’s face as soon as they’re in the car. What sister?

The cocktail party this week is relatively uneventful. Olivia apologizes for her Gypsy Rose Lee impression once again while sharing a piece of cake with Ben and antagonizing the other women. In the end, Ben sends home Amber and Rachel packing, honoring his contractual obligation to keep Olivia on the show until the producers decide her shtick is stale.

 

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Season 20, Episode 4: Points

 

The Bachelor crew headed to Sin City last night and the producers trotted out all the ol’ Las Vegas standbys: showgirls, Terry Fator and that dang puppet, the Chapel of Love, the Neon Boneyard, Fremont Street…gang’s all here! Wildcard points (15 of ’em) went to JoJo for saying that she “needed” the one-on-one date.

  • Amanda (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Amber (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Becca (70 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Discussing her virginity (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Caila (70 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Wearing a costume native to another  country (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (a cookie) (5 points)
  • Emily (80 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Wearing a costume native to another  country (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Haley (55 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Wearing a costume native to another  country (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Saying “steal Ben away” during said interruption (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Jennifer (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • JoJo (80 points)
    • WILDCARD: First to say she “needs” the one-on-one (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing Ben on the lips (10 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jubilee (40 points) 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Playing an instrument for the Bachelor (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren B. (70 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for him” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Lauren H. (60 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Singing for the Bachelor (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Leah (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Olivia (100 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelor (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Rachel (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)

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Season 20, Episode 3: Recap

And just like that, we’re a third of the way into the season of #TheBach. Time flies when you’re drunk.

The first date card comes and one of the remaining Laurens is selected. This Lauren is likeable and sweet and we are universally Happy For Her. She and Ben don some old school Snoopy helmets and take off on a plane the size of the average canoe. Lauren B., a flight attendant, convinces us that she is excited to be flying in this plane with Ben. At least she doesn’t have to passive aggressively remind anyone to return their seat back to an upright position on the date.

They enjoy some beautiful views of the California coast, skywrite the shape of a middle finger over the Bachelor Mansion, and then land in the middle of a brown field with a Jacuzzi™ stuck right in the middle. It’s unclear whether this is the same hot tub that Caila and Ben sampled/Kevin Hart marinated his junk in during the last episode. Don’t look at me for answers; Chris Harrison won’t return my texts.

They also “eat” dinner and dance to music by some middle-aged country band that Ben and Lauren pretend to know and care about. Lauren B. gets the rose and we’re all bored. I’m a fan of Lauren B., but we have way juicier cankles to cover.

Up next is the group date, and it’s the tried and true Sports Showdown date. Superstar Badasses Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara are tapped to coach the two teams. It’s a fruitless effort, since what results is a rat’s nest of arms, legs, and blonde highlights tumbling up and down a soccer field.

In a move NO ONE SAW COMING, the losers have to leave after the game and the winners get to share Ben among five girls instead of 10. Dreams really do come true.

During the post-soccer portion of the date, the women who just earlier had been teammates, (fiercely united by their desire to win five-on-one time with Ben) turn against each other to compete for 90 seconds of conversation with Ben. The girls talk shit about Olivia’s fat toes and I’ve literally never been more interested in what’s happening on my TV. Must. See. The. Toes. Oh, also, Amber gets the rose.

The ladies back at HQ eagerly await the last date card for the week. Because of the least subtle foreshadowing ever, we know this is going to Jubilee. As she preps for the date, it’s clear that she is slightly more anxious than the robots they typically cast on this show.

Ben arrives 20 minutes late, and Jubilee serves him some light sass. If her sass were on a menu at a Mexican restaurant, it would have no more than two chili peppers next to it. The other girls act as if Jubes straight up rocked him in the teeth. To add insult to injury, Jubliee then jokingly offers her date to someone else because she is afraid of helicopters. She may as well have punched Ben in the teeth this time; I think the girls would have reacted more mildly, because apparently, this was deeply offensive.

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On their date, Jubilee is awkwardly charming and REAL. The producers must have forgotten to install her pullstring because instead of reciting the same old script to Ben in between sips of champagne, she jokes around and shares her actual Feelings and Thoughts.

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At dinner, Jubliee shares details of her past with Ben. Unlike some former contestants who discuss tragic events in their lives, Jubliee seems authentic and vulnerable during this conversation, rather than thirsty. Ben digs her, and so do we.

The cocktail party starts on a somber note, as Ben tells the women that he just found out that two family friends were killed tragically in an accident. Most of the ladies stir up all the emotional intelligence they can find to comfort him. Olivia, however, decides this is the right time for her to open up emotionally to Ben. About her cankles. This fool actually got choked up telling Ben about how hard it was to be strong all the time. About her cankles. This is probably a giant red flag that a lifelong partnership with Olivia would be more of a dictatorship. Somehow, though, she is not the most hated girl in the mansion at this point.

The women wasted no time turning against Jubliee after the heinous crime she committed earlier. As Jubliee meanders around the house, just tryna eat snackz and mingle, voiceovers from various women take a mean turn. Two girls walk away to “”fix their lipgloss” as Jubilee approaches to hang, and Lauren H. remarks that she just can’t see Jubliee hanging with the soccer moms and setting up playdates for the kids. Listen, I’m not here to accuse people of being racist; that’s a pretty serious thing to call someone and doing so has consequences. However, this whole series felt unnecessarily aggressive toward Jubilee and the comments about her being unlike the other girls and not Ben’s type were tone-deaf at best. Ok, back to #jokes.

Amber, drunk with the power of the group date rose, leads the charge in cornering Jubliee. Jubilee, uninterested in this foolishness, walks away from the Plastics trying to chew her out for making a joke. Ben figures out that something is up (aka a producer alerted him that someone was crying to move the story along) and tries to comfort Jubilee. Amber, who we now all know is a fucking idiot, decides to approach them both to discuss it. Because guys love this stuff. Ben shuts her shit DOWN and Amber retreats with her tail between her legs.

Amber is safe…for now. The same can’t be said for Lace, who escorts herself off the show to do some work on herself before she enters into a lifelong union. Peace be with her. We also bid adieu to Shushanna and Jami. Another week bites the dust.

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Season 20, Episode 2: Recap

The mimosas are already flowing on Day Two in the Bachelor Mansion. We’re treated to a number of nonsensical toasts to Ben, with ladies referring to him as the best Bachelor in “the planet of history” and the type of guy who “checks off every single list.” I really hope they were drunk. We break quickly for a gratuitous glimpse at Ben’s junk before returning to the mansion for the arrival of the first group date card.

The first group date is straight outta Grease. The BachGaggle alights on a random high school in urban Los Angeles. Ben puts the ladies through a series of inane tasks in order to crown one gal Homecoming Queen, so he can promptly boot her off the show 85 minutes later.

There’s a science fair. Apple bobbing. A free throw contest. A footrace on the track. It’s some real 1950s shit. If ABC really wanted to go back to high school, there should’ve been a competition to see who can most stealthily smoke a joint in the bathroom stalls without being detected by the ex-military Dean of Students roaming the halls; that’s the kind of fresh hell I was walking in on as a naive high school freshman and recent D.A.R.E. graduate back in 2002.

Unfortunately, every bubble must burst, and whoosh goes the air outta this squeaky clean Marty McFly-in-Back-to-the-Future montage. Geography has been known to take down many an aspiring queen in the recent past, and tonight is no exception.

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Ben asks the ladies to find a cutout of Indiana and place it on a blank map of the United States.

Becca and JoJo place Indiana horizontally, along the East Coast, instead of vertically in the armpit of the Midwest where it belongs. I’m from Illinois, and we call Indiana the road to Michigan, so believe me, I get it. Still it’s not a good look, especially because Ben may have the outline of Indiana tattooed on his (presumably adorable) buttocks. Homeboy loves Indiana.

All is apparently forgiven because JoJo wins the group date. Ben takes her atop a skyscraper in Los Angeles and JoJo says “I’ve never been this high in my entire life.” Guess we’re not counting those weekends at Coachella.

Back at the ranch, another date card is announced and we learn a few unsettling things. Namely, Olivia has a bad case of Snake Jaw. I’m no doctor, but methinks she’s hankering for some TMJ later on in life.

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An astute Twitter follower pointed out that Olivia looks like Princess Bala from Antz.

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Like, THAT is why we’re on Twitter. Well done.

Caila nabs the first one-on-one date of the season but unfortunately for her, it’s a real clearance rack date. Leonardo diCaprio and the grizz from The Revenant were otherwise occupied, so Kevin Hart and Ice Cube join Caila’s solo date to promote The Ride Along 2 (we get the movies we deserve, America). I guess the producers drew a Venn diagram with “People who watch ‘The Bachelor’” and “people who go to movies” and the intersection was The Ride Along 2. Who’s to say?

It wasn’t Kevin nor Ice’s fault but the date was flatter than the four-year-old Diet Coke I once found in my garage. It ended with Kevin, Ice, Caila, and Ben in a model hot tub INSIDE A HOT TUB STORE. Poor Caila.

The second group date takes place at a Love Lab. The ladies are greeted by a “robot” (because: SCIENCE) that looks like Bill Nye Skyping in from an Android phone hooked up to a vacuum cleaner. Realistically, this creation would have gotten a C- in a middle school science class.  

The girls jog on a treadmill for a while and then Ben presses his honker into their sweaty T-shirts to see if he can get a nose full of love pheromones. It’s exactly like the Febreze commercials where the actor smells garbage that’s been spritzed with Febreze and is like, “Okay, wait, wait, I’m detecting notes of raspberry and just…hmm, just the slightest pinch of grass.” He calls Samantha “sour” and I paused my DVR to laugh for two full minutes. Dang, that’s an embarrassing first date story straight out of YM magazine.

Ben and Olivia have off-the-charts chemistry which is readily apparent as they smush their noses together and the other girls watch their heat blobs from the next room. Olivia reacts to this positive attention from Ben with the grace and humility we’ve come to expect from Bach contestants, then unhinges her jaw and swallows a family of rabbits whole.  

At the cocktail party, Lace slurs her words and seeks Ben out repeatedly to assure him that she’s not crazy. “Da Nile ain’t just a rivah in Egypt, guvna!” is something I would say to Lace in a cockney British accent if I was ever on the show. Return my phone calls, ABC.  

Lace tells him a long-winded story about being teased by her dad and her brothers as a child (an experience universal to every human child with a sibling of any gender of any age) and Ben looks repulsed. Regardless, he gives Lace a rose, a decision likely made at knifepoint by a producer. I could hear the celebratory cheers ripple across America from the teams who drafted her. What a contestant.

Ben gives Lauren B. a photo of them on their “first date,” AKA chatting on the steps during the first cocktail party for five minutes. Which means he paid a producer to snap a pic and then print it out for him at Walgreen’s. This is understood to be a thoughtful gesture by both parties and a sign that Ben is interested in keeping her around for the long haul. Just trying to map out the mating rituals to any first time Bachelor viewers.

Amanda confesses that she’s a mom and Ben is sweet about it. But I’m calling it now: no way this 26-year-old wants to be a stepdad to two young toddlers. Amanda’s countdown to launch has begun. Bizarrely, Amanda looks directly into the camera to talk to her toddlers and tells them she loves them. Does she not realize her children won’t see the message until the episode airs…?

The ladies cycle through the usual stages of Rose Ceremony stress: drinking, telling a peer that you need one-on-one time with Ben, drinking more, lamenting to that same peer that you didn’t get enough time with Ben, spying on other ladies as they talk to Ben, and drinking more. In the end, we say goodbye to Samantha, Jackie, LB (she did NOT accept Ben’s rose), and Mandi. One minute you’re a 28-year old Homecoming Queen, the next you’re packing up your crop tops and dental picks and hopping on the next flight to Oregon. Them’s the breaks.

Like our recaps? Let us know in the comments and please share with your Bachelor-loving friends.

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Season 20, Episode 2: Points

Good thing we don’t deduct points for not knowing if a state is horizontal or vertical. Headdesk. Also, can you IMAGINE running on the treadmill and having your crush (who you’ve spent a total of four minutes around) proceed to tell you that you smell SOUR?

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This week’s wildcard points (15 to the first lady to be bleeped for swearing) went to Lauren H. who complained during the group date with an expletive not suited for the wee kindergartners she teaches. FYI, we post our wildcard points on Twitter at 5 p.m. CST before the show airs; follow us @BachFantasy. We usually post a poll earlier in the day so you can vote on what you want the category to be. Twitter: we’re having fun, come join us.

A quick note about Crying on Camera, if you don’t mind, since we’ve been getting a lot of comments and tweets about it. Because Crying on Camera is worth a meaty 25 points, we demand we see some moisture exit the eyeball area and land on the lower lid/cheekbone/cheek (I like to imagine myself as a football ref during these scenes, blowing the whistle around my neck and yelling jauntily: “The ruling on the field…”) One does not simply procure a mass of 25 points for a little eye-welling-up action. You’ll see that reflected below. I humbly thank thee.

  • Amanda: 85 points
    • Mentioning her kid(s) (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal him away” during said interruption (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Amber: 35 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Becca: 35 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Caila: 75 points
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Emily: 35 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Haley: 35 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jackie: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Jami: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jennifer: 45 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • JoJo: 50 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Jubilee: 50 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lace: 70 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal him away” during said interruption (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren LB: 65 points [UPDATED]
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Leaving the show early on her accord (30 points)
  • Lauren B.: 30 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren H.: 50 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wildcard points: first to be bleeped for swearing (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Leah: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Mandi: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Olivia: 60 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal him away” during said interruption (5 points)
  • Rachel: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Samantha: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Shushanna: 35 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

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“The Bachelor” Season 20, Episode 1: Points

And we’re off! What a season premiere. We have a perfect human specimen Bachelor, a delightful gaggle of wackos and beauties, a full-on Russian woman, plus one delightful miniature horse (who got sent home with Maegan; goodbye, little dude).

Also, I’ve never seen so many Laurens/Lauras in one room since the fourth grade.

How is your team faring after episode one? I personally drafted Jessica, and I was shocked—SHOCKED, I tell you—that she didn’t get a rose. I was even predicting final four for her. My Bach senses are rarely so off kilter. I might have to retreat to the woods and retrain with Yoda for a few weeks.

Any early predictions for a final rose winner? Let us know in the comments!

  • Amanda: 40 points
    • Mentioning a previous fiance or husband (10 points)
    • Mentioning her kid(s) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Amber: 30 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Becca: 30 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Breanne: 30 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (bread) (5 points)
  • Caila: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Emily: 30 points
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Haley: 30 points
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Izzy: 0 points
  • Jackie: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (a Save The Date) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jami: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jennifer: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jessica: 0 points
  • Joelle/JoJo: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (a unicorn mask) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jubilee: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lace: 85 points
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Wildcard points for talking smack (25 points)
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Using the phrase “steal him away” during said interruption (5 points)
      • Editor’s note: she technically said “borrow” but we’re giving it to her
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
      • Editor’s note: I ain’t giving her points for those crocodile tears, btdubs. 
  • Laura: 0 points
  • Lauren LB: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren B.: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (wings) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren H.: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (a bouquet) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren R.: 0 points
  • Leah: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (a football) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Maegan: 0 points
  • Mandi: 30 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Olivia: 35 points
    • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points)
  • Rachel: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Samantha: 35 points
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Shushanna: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Tiara: 0 points

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Season 11, Episode 6: Points

Oooh lordy lordy. We made our wildcard points category “doing it with the Bachelorette” based solely off of last week’s coming attractions (double entendre there, folks) and the show delivered. Think we might have to add doin’ it into next year’s regular roto of points categories.

Also, you guys aren’t going to believe this but tornadoes in the Chicagoland area interrupted the Bachelorette AGAIN, albeit briefly. I think for less than five minutes total, but I still might’ve missed something, so please let me know if you think I did.

  • Ben H.: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Ben Z.: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Chris: 45 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (a flower) (5 points)
  • Ian: 30 points
    • Leaving the show on his own accord (30 points)
  • Jared: 85 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • JJ: 25 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Joe: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Joshua: 25 points
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Justin: 0 points 
  • Nick V.: 110 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Wildcard points: doing it with the Bachelorette (50 points)
  • Shawn B.: 25 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Tanner: 40 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 11, Episode 5: Points

Last night was pretty eventful in Chicago. The Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup and I lost the battle over the remote to my fiance. Thus, I watched the Bach pretty late, and much to my dismay, some of the episode’s DVRed broadcast was interrupted (briefly) by news coverage of the tornadoes/heavy thunderstorms in the area. I very well might’ve missed a point category or two. Thanks in advance for your patience today! (Much tired. Very sleep. Cannot snark.)

No one received the wildcard points last night; they would’ve gone to the first person who said they needed one-on-one time before the rose ceremony, but there was only one strange, faux-ceremony on a baseball diamond last night so we were screwed. We’ll make next week’s points worth some weight to make up for it.

Onto the points!

  • Ben H.: 85 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ben Z.: 40 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Chris: 25 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
      • Editor’s note: This was tricky but there was one shot of her kissing a man in a maroon jacket that matched what Chris was wearing last night.
  • Corey: 0 points 
  • Ian: 50 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Jared: 55 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling in love with you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
  • JJ: 45 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Joe: 55 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jonathan: 5 points (stat correction)
    • Mentioning his son (5 points)
  • Joshua: 70 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Justin: 25 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Nick V.: 115 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
  • Ryan B.: 0 points
  • Shawn B.: 115 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Tanner: 40 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 11, Episode 4: Points

One villain exits stage left, another enters stage right. We bid adieu to Clint but Nick Viall (of Andi Dorfman’s season) weaseled his way onto yet another season of “The Bachelorette.” I personally get strange vibes from him and I did not care one iota for his airing of, ahem, private matters on the “Women Tell All” two seasons ago.

A lot of you inquired about drafting Nick V. We will score him for those leagues who did indeed draft him early in the season. If your league didn’t draft him (and you’re wishing you did), we decided this was a fair rule: you can draft Nick onto your individual team, but only if you drop two of your players that are still on the show. (Obviously, talk to your league commissioner and decide as a league how you want to proceed.)

Personally, in our league, we’re happy to watch the Nick V. circus without participating, so don’t feel like someone in your league has to draft him.

This week saw the first usage of another new points category this year: riding on a boat (10 points).

Wildcard points went to Tanner, who was overtly negative about his feelings toward Nick V. Jonathan mentioned something about Nick V. being a “dark cloud” but immediately after that, Tanner took the shit-talk to the next level, and that’s the kind of commitment we were looking for.

Onto the points!

  • Ben H.: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Ben Z.: 25 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Chris: 65 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Clint: 0 points
  • Corey: 30 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Ian: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Jared: 85 points
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • JJ: 50 points 
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Joe: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Jonathan: 25 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Joshua: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
  • Justin: 55 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Nick V.: 10 points (stat correction)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Ryan B.: 25 points
    • Being selected go to on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Shawn B.: 25 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Tanner: 45 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Wildcard points: first to say something overtly negative about JJ (20 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 11, Episode 3: Points

But actually, where do we start? Diapers, gypsy hearts, ball sacs, tampins, bloody snake toilets, romantic bro times (?), villains. I COULD KEEP GOING. This week has brought us the BachFantasy debut of one of our new points categories “Wearing a costume or clothing native to another country,” and A LOT  of blurred out body part points.

  • Ben H.: 75 points
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Ben Z.: 70 points
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chris: 80 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Clint: 60 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Corey: 25 points
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Cory: 0 points
  • Daniel: 0 points
  • Ian: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jared: 105 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Teling the Bachelorette that someone in the house “isn’t here for the right reasons” (30 points)
  • JJ: 55 points (stat correction)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Joe: 70 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
  • Jonathan: 35 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Joshua: 60 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Wildcard points: first person to talk smack on JJ (25 points)
  • Justin: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette (10 points)
  • Ryan B.: 35 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected go to on a group date (10 points)
  • Shawn B.: 130 points (stat correction)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
  • Tanner: 35 points 
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Tony: 105 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
    • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
    • Leaving the show on his own accord (30 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (that puny dandelion) (5 points)

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Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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