Bach Fantasy

The Bachelor continues its “Tour de Countries The U.S. Has Invaded”…from Korea onto Vietnam! Afghanistan is next.

First One-on-One Date: Renee

Renee gets the first one-on-one date and she says JP makes her palms hurt, which she should have checked out. I’ve never actually felt my palms, ya know? Mama Nee Nee is super chill and mature and would definitely make the best stepmom for Camila, which means she totally is not getting the Final Rose. In a nice departure from the usual one-on-one date shenanigans—”Prove you’re into me by diving headfirst off this bridge!”—Juan Pablo sorta pampers Renee. He carts her around in a pedicab, sweetly fans her during a dress fitting, and buys her gifts.

I could get used to being bicycled around by JP. True story, I demanded to be pushed around in my stroller as a child until I could no longer physically fit in it at age 6. Why walk when you can be wheeled around.

There’s always one episode each season where the contestants offend an entire nation by dressing in “traditional” garb and pretending to have profound insights about the country’s culture. “Everything here is like, so old and beautiful!” This is the equivalent of coming to the U.S. and dressing up like you’re posing for one of those Wild West photos at Great America. Here, we have a traditional American prostitute wearing a historically accurate feather boa, and an outlaw with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

All in all, Renee comes off like a level-headed class act who is too good for this show, which means she will be wind up in the emotional wood chipper in two or three episodes. Run, Renee! Take that new dress and run!

Group Date

The group date starts off with Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Alli, Danielle, and Andi rowing in what appears to be large baskets down a river. Clare manages to position herself in JP’s basket and he steals a smooch. Dude is digging her.

Andi freaks out that she’s not getting any one-on-one dates. Juan Pablo says, “Trussssss me” and she’s like, “I feel soooo much better.” Powerful stuff. He should patent that catchphrase.

Sharleen does her weird, manipulative flirting technique where she fishes for compliments. He calls her cute and she responds: “Is that a good thing?” Oh, shut up. Though she does have one of my favorite quotes of the night: “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”

Clare and JP make out in his private pool during the group date and surprise, surprise, she gets the rose! Clare is winning this episode, you guys. While all the other girls are braiding each other’s hair and gossiping about their feelings, Clare sneaks off for a midnight swim with Juan Pablo. She says: “We just went for it and I don’t regret it.” WAIT, did they just have sex in the ocean or what? ABC wastes our time with 20+ minutes of Victoria stomping around and crying in the bathroom a few episodes ago, and this encounter gets 30 seconds of airtime. The producers hate us.

Afterward, Clare compares “it” (whatever it is) to how a baby giraffe can’t walk at first. Lose the metaphors, did he get it in or not?

Second One-on-One Date: Nikki

At the next one-on-one, Nikki and JP traipse around Marble Mountain and rappel into a giant hole. Is that another metaphor for what happened last night? Wouldn’t ya know it—Nikki’s afraid of heights. Just once, can there be a contestant who’s like, “Rappelling?! Fuck yeah! Me first!”

Instead, they trot out the old “I’m scared // It’s okay, trussss me” dance routine. To her credit, Nikki appears to be genuinely freaked out, unlike Clare who pretended to have a fear of octopus last episode in order to get JP to hand-feed her a “foreign delicacy” that is available in all of the contiguous United States.

Nikki says: “I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants” and I think that’s going to be my new daily affirmation. Those really are the three choices we all face daily. They pause on a ledge midway down the cave to kiss and JP’s lips are so powerful that Nikki draws courage from them and “finds the strength to keep going.” I juana bottle that kiss and sell it. Shit seems potent.

Like real thrill-seekers, they make out at the bottom of the cave. In the next shot, they’re freshly showered and coiffed. Don’t you always wonder where they go to freshen up midway through these one-on-one dates? They have a little chat. Juan Pablo can’t pronounce “pediatrician” despite definitely having one in his life regularly thanks to Camila. Nikki Da Nurse gets the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Juan Pablo tells Clare he regrets their sexy time in the ocean because Camila might watch the show and think less of him. In what world does your five-year-old have unfettered access to “The Bachelor”? Quit worrying about 5-year-old Camila and 8-year-old Ben (Mama Nee Nee’s son) because they are not tuning in every Monday night like the rest of us chumps. They’re asleep because they are children.

Alli, Kelly, and Danielle go home. This is probably the last week where we’ll say goodbye to girls who’ve had less than 30 seconds of collective screen time. It’s about to get much more real.

I hope you see me as a woolly mammoth in a room full of bison,

J

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