Shit got real this week, guys. JP got himself into a bit of hot water, and I’m not talking about the kind in a hot tub. We saw a bit of a slimier side of Juan Pablo after he flip-flopped about his ocean-romp with Clare, learned that Cassandra does not know there are farms in the United States, and watched all the girls quietly panic about the humidity in Vietnam frizzing up their hair. If you ask me, all three are equally distressing.
Alas, another week is upon us. What did we learn from our time in Vietnam? Let’s recap.
Five Things We Learned from The Bachelor, Episode 5
1. It is required that you have a crippling phobia to be on this show. Because it seems statistically impossible that in 18 seasons no female cast member has ever been genuinely stoked to bungee jump or dance on the side of a skyscraper.
2. Juan Pablo is full of bologna. The whole “I can’t kiss any girls on TV because I have a daughter, unless your name is Clare, Andi, or Sharleen” act is getting old.
3. The Vietnamese are really on to something with this whole “farm” idea. Cassandra was thoroughly impressed with the uniquely Vietnamese idea of planting fruits and vegetables in the ground, only to later harvest them for a meal.
4. Clare is allergic to jerks. That’s the only way anyone is buying her “allergy” excuse for the (barely) puffy and watery eyes she showed up with at the cocktail party.
5. Don’t “trusss” Juan Pablo, lest you find yourself publicly shamed after completely consensual midnight sexy times in the ocean.
On to the next one,