Five Things We Learned from “The Bachelor,” Episode 3
Last Monday, Juan Pablo drove on water, several contestants played a pick-up game of soccer that made your intramural league in college look like the U.S. Olympic team, Chelsie literally jumped off a bridge because Juan Pablo asked her to, and Kat performed a hymen maneuver on the back of JP’s head during a pool party chickenfight. Ay, carumba. Here are some lessons we gleaned from episode 3.
1. Producers are banking on the fact that the L.A. Health Department doesn’t watch “The Bachelor.” Then again, Andi and JP making out in that stadium’s concession stand might not even be in the top 5 grossest things to go down in that food stall.
2. If Juan Pablo says jump, you say “How high?” Two weeks ago, a 30-second pep talk from JP convinced Andi to drop trou at the photo shoot. This week, Chelsie was shaking like a leaf when she found out she had to bungee jump—and all it took was for Juan Pablo to say, “Trussss me” about 10 times and Chelsie done threw herself off that bridge. Git. dat. rose.
3. JP likes to evaluate his women when they’re not wearing make-up. Or clothes. He wants us to think he’s so very, much, muy casual but his whole “let’s do a pool party instead of a cocktail party” schtick was just a ploy to analyze the jugs of his potential wives. Let’s call a spade a spade.
4. We’ve been pronouncing the word “pajamas” wrong our whole lives. Henceforth, they are to be referred to only as pey-amas.
5. There are 15 girls competing for the same man. Wait, what in the actual eff? Sharleen made out with Juan Pablo at the pool party?! But we had such a good one-on-one date last week! How could he do this to me? We, like, have so much chemistry! What kind of a show is this? This is like, so much harder than I thought it would be!
I’ve been saying “el bach-e-lor” all week,