Bach Fantasy

Alright guys, one last episode. We can do this. Deep breath.

Meet the Parents

We’re still in the Dominican Republic, and the Dorfmans are here to assess Andi’s boyfriends.

Nick is up first. Hy cracks his knuckles and sits back, waiting for the first joker his daughter is bringing in for appraisal.

Nick is visibly nervous, and is probably ducking off camera every few minutes to mop excess ass sweat.He gets his shit together during his conversation with Andi’s mom, Patti, and wins her over by gushing about all the things he loves about Andi. He says the right things, she doesn’t ask too many tough questions, we all refill our wine glasses.

It’s Hy’s turn next, and I am giddy with anticipation. Nick repeats his speech on Why He Loves Andi and finds the cajones to ask Hy for his blessing. Ultimately, Hy doesn’t give him an especially hard time. Let’s remember, the last guy Hy met on national TV was Juan Pablo, a borderline sociopath. Nick is a god damn prince compared to JP. He gets the thumbs up to get down on one knee, and Nick leaves to go wring out his boxers.

Josh shows up, flashing all 400 of his teeth and chattering away. Hy picks up on his nervousness and just laughs and laughs. In that moment, all is right. Andi’s sister and brother in law prime Josh for his interrogation with Hy with some standard questions. I don’t remember his answers, because I was too busy deciding what I thought about Andi’s sister’s turtle tattoo.

Josh, too, wants Hy’s blessing. He says all the things he’s supposed to say and Hy gives him a somewhat tepid endorsement, reminding him that Andi’s “yes” is really the one he needs. I imagine that is how my dad would react to someone asking for his blessing to marry me. Basically “IDGAF what you ask her, she knows whether this is a good idea or not.” Josh makes it to the next round in the playoffs though, so he’s stoked.

The Dates

This is the finale, so we get two helpings of Josh and Nick tonight.

Josh and Andi are on a boat, likely because the Dominican Republic has requested that they stay the fuck away from the locals, lest they degrade their culture and traditions more. No biggie, these guys can do their favorite activities (talking in vague cliches about how much they like each other and frenching) anywhere.

They move this date to the couch and Josh has a gift for Andi. She unwraps an Andi Murray baseball card. It’s a pretty bold move to attach your last name to a girl who has not yet told you she loves you, but you don’t get screen time by playing it safe. To be honest, I thought the baseball card was kind of a cute idea, but I have to wonder how many other Atlanta biddies have been given personalized baseball cards by Josh. Regardless, Andi eats it up.

Andi tucks the baseball card under her pillow and gets ready for her date with Nick. They “offroad” to a remote beach-like spot, and get right to removing their clothes. I’m sure they talked about their feelings and shit, but all I could focus on was Nick’s Ken doll torso. There literally is not one hair on it. Guys, I can’t stop thinking about it.

Nick and Andi put their shirts back on and get cozy on the couch. Nick makes a fifteen minute long, nonsensical toast to set a sexy tone for the night. I don’t remember what they talked about, because all I remember was the gift Nick gave to Andi. As a sign of his love for her, Nick gives Andi a necklace, with a small vial of sand AND A SHARK TOOTH on it.

I just…no. I can’t. Of all the things that could have been my breaking point with this show, I really didn’t expect it to be this. I remember being in the Bahamas with my family when I was 9, seeing those necklaces for sale at the touristy market we were at, and thinking “Thanks, but no thanks, I’ll just get my island cornrows done and be on my way.” Frankly, it was generous of Andi not to just dump Nick right there on the spot. Girl actually put that necklace on and forced a smile. Respect.

A new day is upon us, and shit’s about to get “real.” Neil Lane, the poor guy, shows up with a case of his most gigantic jewels for Josh to paw through. Josh picks a whopper for Andi, and sends Neil on his way to Nick…

…or not. Nick, expecting Neil Lane, opens the door to a very anxious looking Andi. This is obviously going nowhere good. Nick’s ass promptly begins sweating. Andi says a lot, but the gist of it is “I’m dumping you.” It was a humane move on Andi’s part to put an end to this before Nick picked out a ring and attempted to get down on one knee. Nick is obviously blindsided by this, but has no choice but to pack his stuff and get on a plane home.

The End

This makes the last ten minutes of the show rather anticlimactic, but we’ve already committed what feels like hundreds of hours to this show, so what’s another ten minutes. Josh steps out of the limo and he’s wearing a suit from the toddler’s section and it’s hilarious. This suit is working hard. I didn’t listen to most of Josh’s proposal, because I had my eye trained on that button, waiting for it to bust open and clip Andi in the head.

Josh launches into a speech that’s basically a rom-com cliche madlib. Andi finally tells Josh everything he’s been waiting to hear. They hold hands and rock back and forth, play the “No, I love YOU more” game, and I pantomime barfing through the whole thing.

And that’s all, folks. Andi’s got a big ol’ rock on her finger, Josh’s job title now reads “Former Reality Show Doofus,” and Bukowski is busy looking for a new girl to stalk.

Thanks for playing along this season with us! We’ll see you back here for the next season of The Bachelor.

Speaking of…who are you hoping to see as the next Bachelor? Tell us in the comments!