Bach Fantasy

Surprise! It’s not over. What the eff, TV Guide? Anyway, here we go fantasy suites, here we go!

Clare and Juan in St. Lucia

Meanwhile on a yacht in St. Lucia, Clare is holding the fantasy suite invite over Juan Pablo’s head. Will she spend the night with him? Won’t she? We know these gals well enough that one “truss me” from Juan Pablo will send them out of their panties and into his sheets.

Clare and Juan Pablo “get to know each other better” in the fantasy suite, but not before Clare throws the conversation they had about swimming in the ocean in Vietnam back at Juan Pablo. He assures Clare that Camilla would approve of the two of them boning, and that’s that. Inside, Clare tells Juan Pablo that she’s in love with him, and he smiles at her. Then they take care of thawing out Clare’s icy heart in a hot tub.

Andi and Juan in St. Lucia 

Andi arrives, and the two of them take over the local band’s drums, and then they teach a disinterested toddler to take food and drink from strangers. Oh! And what do you know? The “locals” want to play soccer. You know, just the watered down “culture” that Bach contestants go bat shit for. They recap the hometown date under a waterfall.

Later on a bench with ample pillow reserves, Juan Pablo notices that Andi is thinking. He assures he that there is nothing wrong with thinking and throws out there that he won’t be sure that Andi is capable of being good mom until she pops one out. Can he trust her? He’s not sure. Ay ay ay. Juan Pablo doesn’t look like he could lift his foot to his mouth, but guess what? He can and does.

As for the fantasy suite, she goes, they drink some bubbly, and apparently, at some point after the cameras leave, Juan Pablo tells her that she barely made the top three or something like that. You know, a hilarious joke.

Then the dawn comes and with it the storm that turned out just to be a woman who saw through Juan’s bullshit. I clapped and whooped through Andi’s explanation of why she was O-V-E-R Juan Pablo. But first, Nikki wants to show her abs to the world.

Nikki and Juan Pablo in St. Lucia

The lovebirds go horseback riding, and Nikki decides that a tassle-boobed bikini and goucho pants are the appropriate uniform for that activity. Then they talk about the status of their feelings and their relationship for the rest of the day. BOR-ING. These people have been on like three one-on-one dates and they’re talking about their relationship? Might I recommend, “Do you have an income?” and, “What are your hobbies?”?

Nikki is the first to accept the fantasy suite without a long explanation of why. Go girl.

Following the formula perfectly, Nikki tells him that she loves him. He talks to her like a baby. WHAT’S TO LOVE?

Juan Pablo chats with Chris Harrison

Before the rose ceremony, Juan Pablo sits down with Chris Harrison to explain where he is in this journey. Chris tries to pry his way through the language barrier to the nothingness that is Juan Pablo’s brain. His questions seem meant for Camilla but are pointed at Juan Pablo: What does it mean to “like” someone? What it does it mean to feel “good”?  Before recess, Chris explains what those things mean in Americuh, in English.

Since Juan Pablo is super confused about which certified hottie to marry, he watches video messages from each of the girls in the hopes that something they say on screen will help him decide. Andi’s video mentions that she wants to tell him something in person.  DUH DUN DUN DUN.

Andi gets real with Juan 

Andi sits down to break Juan Pablo’s heart. She tells him that she’s going home, and he’s basically like, “Where’s the bus?” Home girl says everything I’ve been yelling at my TV for the last few weeks. My personal favorite part is when she tells Juan to stop saying “it’s okay” to everything. He says okay. He also shows zero emotion saying goodbye to a woman who he said only a few hours earlier that he could see being his wife. The great news is that, just like Renee, Andi will be fine. Okay? Okay. Iss okay.

Andi leaves, and Juan Pablo is like, “She should have just come to me and told me that she didn’t think it was going to work out.” Why didn’t she think of that!? He says the argument is what killed their relationship. That’s a listening man.

Rose ceremony

Chris Harrison walks Clare and Nikki into the rose ceremony and places them so close together it’s like he forgot Andi isn’t coming. What a meddler, but, I mean, TV drama is his career. Then Juan Pablo arrives, and, first and foremost, Nikki wants an answer NOW as to why her BFF, Andi, isn’t there. Juan Pablo explains his version of why Andi left and then the three of them toast to their love triangle.

Let us not forget that the girl who showed up with a soccer ball in her dress may win this show,

K

Who do you think takes home the final rose? Tell us in the comments.