Welcome Down Under folks, where the eight ladies left have settled into their twin beds in beautiful New Zealand. At the start of the group’s Oceania adventure, Clare hasn’t forgotten the way Juan Pablo threw their late night ocean romp in her face, and, even though Andi is the only girl that hasn’t been on a one-on-one date, Clare is hoping she gets to cut the line. She doesn’t.
Andi gets the first one-on-Juan date in New Zealand and quickly realizes they are nothing to write home about. Juan Pablo’s date idea is a combination of drenching her with cold water and then leaving her out in the wind until she freezes her tiny tuckus off. That tasteful one-piece turned out to be more strategic than fashionable. Any extra layers help on this “date,” where their activity is wading through a cold river and squeezing between boulders until they arrive at a “not cold” waterfall for the most Bachelor-y make out of all time. Juan Pablo’s got this Bachelor thing down pat. Each week he chooses an adventure sport he’s always wanted to try and then stuffs his tongue into the mouths of the women trying to converse with him. “Shut up and get engaged,” goes the motto of dating on TV.
Later, waterlogged Andi and Juan eat dinner under an active geyser. If you know what a geyser is, you may be thinking, but wouldn’t that be awfully wet? And you’d be right. It “rains” on their dinner so they take off to hang out on a bridge, where Andi whips out the boldest critique of the season, calling the mist “un-ideal.” She also declares that finding love is her number one pursuit in life. To this, Juan Pablo’s mouth says, very very much me too, but his thought bubble shows him in the middle of a naked dance party with Lucy in Thailand. Andi gets the rose.
On the group date the next day, Cassandra, Kat, Nikki, Chelsea, Sharleen, and Renee are treated to the FIRST REAL PICNIC OF THE SEASON. It’s about time, since we’re at episode 6. How are these people supposed to find love if they don’t picnic at altitude regularly? The ladies meet Juan Pablo in a windy field of cattle where they engage in some standard Bach fun – sitting on a blanket, sipping bevvies, and pretending like their hair getting blown into their face is fun. But, just kidding. Take off your clothes, ladies, because you’re actually going zorbing with your A.D.D. Bachelor. In case you’re unfamiliar with one of New Zealand’s signature pastimes, zorbing is rolling down a grassy hill inside a large inflatable ball filled with a bit of water. Surprisingly, not one of the ladies expresses a crippling fear of oversized beach balls, grass, or hills. The adventure is on, and soon they’re making out in the zorbs and mascara and limbs are all over the place. Just your standard fifth date.
Later on the set of The Hobbit (no, really), the kissing relay commences, and this time it’s grosser than ever. Juan Pablo takes each girl to the same bench, covers them with the same blanket, and coos the same lines—I’m so glad you’re here, I am having very much a good time, you are so cute. Sharleen, buzz kill as ever, wants to talk through the hard time she’s having, but Juan Pablo quickly interrupts to encourage her not to question being there before he reinserts his tongue into her throat until the timer declares it’s time for the next escort lady.
Also, did I mention that Cassandra turns 22 and gets sent home on this group date? All that, plus the odds say she’ll come down with mono halfway through the 20-hour flight home. Hey, at least her worst birthday ever has come and gone.
Sharleen gets rewarded with the rose on the group date for shutting up about her feelings and licking his tonsils like a good girl.
On the last one-on-one date of the week, Juan pseudo apologizes to Clare, and then asks her to promise to never cry again. Ever. They make out on a riverbank. Later, somewhere where there is a couch, they talk more and put on sweatpants and dance and kiss for the cameras very comfortably. As much as his sleaziness and her blatancy annoy the shit out of me, they kind of work together. Clare gets the rose.
Before the rose ceremony, the ladies decide it’s time to get serious. Nikki expresses her feelings in a language Juan understands–making out. Renee sticks to her usual routine of chatting about the kiddos and sealing the night with a kiss. Chelsie gets serious about her feelings. Kat does too and caps it off with the quite story from her tough childhood. Then Kat goes home, but not before giving the limo interview of all limo interviews. You know the one where she explains through tears that going home tonight all but ensures she’ll be alone forever and that she really saw a future with him. YOU’VE BEEN DATING NON-EXCLUSIVELY FOR FIVE DATES AND YOU NEVER EVEN KISSED. Where’s Doctor Laura when we need her?
Meet you in Miami,
K
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