Tag Archives: drafting guide

May 17 2016
2 Comments
Episode REcaps: Season 12, Points: Season 12

Researching Your Picks: A Look at Season 12’s Drafting Pool

There are no hometowns listed in the cast bios, so we’re assuming it means all 26 of this season’s “Bachelorette” contestants were conceived and grown in a factory on no-man’s land. *rubs hands excitedly* Let’s dive right in.

Alex | age: 25 | U.S. Marine

  • Choice line from his bio: He’s not into the “whole booty dancing thing.” Fifty points to the guy who can get Alex to twerk on camera.
  • We need to hear more about: The time he Hulked out and ripped the door off a car that was on fire and rescued the driver. His favorite movies are also “Troy,” “Inglorious Basterds,” and “300.” We get it, Alex. You have a dick.
  • Draftability: 7/10

Ali | age: 27 | Bartender

  • Choice line from his bio: There is not one interesting thing in his bio but if you squint your eyes at his photo, he kind of looks like peak John Stamos.
  • We need to hear more about: How deep his fear of bugs is… PRANKS! PRANKS! PRANKS!

200.gif

  • Draftability:7/10

Brandon | age: 28 | Hipster

  • Choice line from his bio: Here we have our first whack Bachelor job: Hipster. And yet he has no tattoos, he describes himself as athletic, his favorite movie is Good Will Hunting, and he cites a Malcolm Gladwell book as his fav piece of literature. This is like calling my own Dad a hipster.
  • We need to hear more about: Where he parks his creepy van at night. Brandon wants to experience someone “from the inside out.” I get what he’s going for here, but he chose a pretty murdery way to describe that.
  • Draftability: 3/10

Chad | age: 28 | Luxury Real Estate Agent

  • Choice line from his bio: His answer to THREE different questions is: “myself in 10 years. Alright, alright, alright.” You’ve exhausted the joke, dude.

9k=

  • We need to hear more about: His date that blacked out during dinner. I have a hunch I’d also try to blackout if I went out with Chad. This one may not be on her.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Chase | age: 27 | Medical Sales Rep

  • Choice line from his bio: His biggest fear is a girl falling in love with him…and he’s not that into it. 

Jennifer-Lawrence-ok-thumbs-up

  • We need to hear more about: What the fuck is so special about his truck? That’s his limit in terms of what he’ll do for love? I say let’s vote Chase off now and see if we can get Meatloaf on the show.
  • Draftability: 8/10

Christian | age: 26 | Telecom Consultant

  • Choice line from his bio: His bucket list really runs the gamut. He wants to befriend Mark Cuban, take selfies in space, and spoil his grandchildren. That last one is the puzzler. Does he already have grandchildren…? If not, does he not want to spoil his own children first?
  • We need to hear more about: HULLO, his amateur stripping career. Willing to pay a generous bounty for any photo evidence of this.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Coley | age: 27 | Real Estate Consultant

  • Choice line from his bio: Hard to decide between his bucket list (#respect for those choices) or his book selection (Accio rose, amirite?).
  • We need to hear more about: The girl who tried to move in with him after a week of dating. Did she? C’mon, Coley, don’t leave us hanging.
  • Draftability: 5/10 – His bio is respectable, but his name is Coley. Sorry.

Derek | age: 29 | Commercial Banker

  • Choice line from his bio: If he were stranded on a desert island, the worst case scenario would be if there were a shitload of cucumbers on it. 

unnamed

Seriously, pick a more benign vegetable.

  • We need to hear more about: His penchant for skinny-dipping. We’re expecting some major “blurred out” points from Derek.  
  • Draftability: 8/10

Daniel | age: 31 | Male Model

  • Choice line from his bio: He doesn’t have any tattoos because “You don’t put stickers on a lambo.” He also assures us that he is comfortable wearing a bathing suit in public, because “why have a lambo if you keep it parked in the garage.” Daaaamn, Daniel. Back at it again with the bad metaphors.

giphy-1

  • We need to hear more about: His Men’s Rights activism. I bet if we check his Twitter feed, there are all sorts of rants about girls who “tricked him” by looking better in their dating profile pictures.
  • Draftability: 8/10 – could definitely be the season villain

Evan | age: 33 | Erectile Dysfunction Expert

  • Choice line from his bio: Where do I start with this guy? He describes his sexual energy as “very powerful and beautiful.” Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife. He also wants to be Trump for a day and he has a laundry list of dating dealbreakers, including “girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies.” FOOD ALLERGIES? Way harsh, Tai.
  • We need to hear more about: His job – “Erectile Dysfunction Expert.” Did he go into the family business or…?
  • Draftability: 2/10

Grant | age: 27 | Firefighter

  • Choice line from his bio: His greatest achievement to date? “Saving a life.” Way to drop the freakin mic. Let’s be real, if I saw Grant approaching, I’d play dead. Resuscitate me, boi.
  • We need to hear more about: It’s a toss-up between the Mexican police chase and his ex slapping him in a bar. Maybe they’re connected?
  • Draftability: 9/10

Jake | age: 26 | Landscape Architect

  • Choice line from his bio: He’s not afraid of any animal, because humans are at the “top of the food chain.” You’re right, Jake, no human has ever been killed by an animal.
  • We need to hear more about: How he plans to help the people with his power of flight. If only there were humans out there getting killed by animals. I bet he could help them. If they existed.
  • Draftability: 5/10

James F. | age: 34 | Boxing Club Owner

  • Choice line from his bio: He likes when a book is so vivid that he can almost “smell their environment.” This is how people who don’t read books talk.
  • We need to hear more about: What the fuck is carb cycling? Before you answer, I’m pretty sure I want no part of it.
  • Draftability: 3/10 –  Real talk, I think James’ admission to the show was a clerical error.

James S. | age: 27 | Bachelor Superfan

  • Choice line from his bio: His job – apparently this joker is a “Bachelor Superfan.” Has Chris Harrison finally opened up an institution of higher education or is James self-taught?
  • We need to hear more about: His thoughts on “intimacy.” Does this mean a season of Duggar-style side hugs?

f754294bad32dc072398862c21ac258b

  • Draftability: 4/10 – seems like a tool

James Taylor | age:  29 | Singer-Songwriter

  • Choice line from his bio: This guy, named JAMES TAYLOR, is a singer-songwriter. We know you’re not the real James Taylor.
  • We need to hear more about: Why he still refers to his dad as “daddy.” You’re 29, bro.
  • Draftability: 3/10

Jonathan | age: 29 | Technical Sales Rep

  • Choice line from his bio: If he could change places with anyone, he “would be someone incredibly poor in a third world country to see what it’s like and appreciate what [he has].” Poverty tourism—good answer.
  • We need to hear more about: Jonathan has a tattoo of his grandma on his arm. Like her name or a portrait of her?
  • Draftability: 3/10

Jordan | age: 27 | Former Pro Quarterback

  • Choice line from his bio: He hates it when his date “doesn’t want to eat in front of [him].” You’re speaking my love language, Jordan.
  • We need to hear more about: His job as a former pro quarterback. Which team? And for how long? Can we check his references? I’m detecting a faint odor of catfishing.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Luke | age: 31 | War Veteran

  • Choice line from his bio: We’ve got another hopeful bromance with Mark Cuban, folks. Lots of “Shark Tank” fans this season.
  • We need to hear more about: His status as a war veteran. Lots of military men in the house. Will this lead to tension or camaraderie? Find out after the commercial break.
  • Draftability: 4/10

Nick B. | age: 33 | Electrical Engineer

  • Choice line from his bio: If he could be anyone in the world for a day, he’d be “the woman [he] wants to marry so [he] could find out what’s in her head.”

what_women_want

  • We need to hear more about: His favorite magazine, Ducks Unlimited. Is this a euphemism?
  • Draftability: 4/10

Nick S. | age: 26 | Software Salesman

  • Choice line from his bio: If he could have any job for a day, he would choose: “Don Draper? James Bond?” He didn’t understand the assignment.
  • We need to hear more about: The mountain lion he supposedly chased.

giphy

  • Draftability: 5/10

Peter | age: 26 | Staffing Agency Manager

  • Choice line from his bio: Peter loves dinosaurs so much he’d time travel back to the Mesozoic Era to see ‘em. Did you see Jurassic Park, Pete? Didn’t work out so great for the humans.
  • We need to hear more about: That time he was a sk8er boi, she said see you later boy.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Robby | age: 27 | Former Competitive Swimmer

  • Choice line from his bio: He calls his favorite flower, the honeysuckle, “delicious.” “Robby, will you accept eat this honeysuckle?”
  • We need to hear more about: When asked to name his three best attributes, he includes “handsome.” Warning: narcissism alert.
  • Draftability: 7/10 – We think JoJo will be into it.

Sal | age: 28 | Operations Manager

  • Choice line from his bio: His worst case scenario on a desert island is a Kardashian. Fair enough, though I think it would depend which one. As long as there are no cucumbers, amirite?
  • We need to hear more about: His past career in vandalism. (He once egged a gym teacher’s house in high school.) Maybe he has a problem with authority. Watch yer back, Harrison.  
  • Draftability: 4/10

Vinny | age: 28 | Barber

  • Choice line from his bio: I actually LOLed when I read his response to what he won’t do for love. He would do anything for love, except use turkey meat. Don’t fuck with Vinny’s meatballs.
  • We need to hear more about: That time he “surprised his boys in Mexico” when he was 16. Real talk: I thought the question was “What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done?” instead of “What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” At first I was like #respect.
  • Draftability: 6/10

Wells | age: 31 | Radio DJ

  • Choice line from his bio: Ok, his description of his perfect date IS kind of perfect. Admittedly, I stopped really reading after tacos (didn’t really need to hear more), but I think I saw something about wine and Otis Redding in there too. Call me, Wells.
  • We need to hear more about: Why he doesn’t like pizza. Why are you hurting us like this, Wells?
  • Draftability: 9/10

Will | age: 26 | Civil Engineer

  • Choice line from his bio: He hates it when his date talks about heavy stuff too soon. Good thing he’s not the Bachelor, since that show is basically just a race to see who can exploit their personal hardships for feigned sympathy and camera time. Let’s never forget Olivia’s cankles.
  • We need to hear more about: His dance moves. I want so badly to give him some points for Bernie-ing.  
  • Draftability: 8/10

 

Which prospect is looking the best to draft? Who’s your prediction for the season villain? Let us know in the comments.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,
Dec 19 2015
1 Comment
Episode Recaps: Season 20, Points: Season 20

Researching Your Picks: A Look at the Drafting Pool

Christmas came early this year, friends. I didn’t even know I wanted a Chicken Enthusiast for Christmas until Santa’s little helper, Chris Harrison, dropped one right in our laps.  God Bless us, everyone.

it-s-a-wonderful-life-wink-o

We’ve rounded up our thoughts on each of the 28 contestants vying to be Ben’s one and only. Because here’s the thing: the cast bios are a bit more revealing than many assume.

Of those 28, FIVE are named Lauren or Laura, about 90% of them included a Nicholas Sparks movie as one of their favorites, and at least three listed a beloved stuffed animal as something they couldn’t live without. One of these 28 will be Ben’s wife. Or at least his fiancée for three People magazine covers. 

Without further ado…

Amanda | age: 25 | Esthetician | Rancho Santa Margarita, CA

Choice line from her bio: If she won the lottery, she “would buy a big house by the beach and adopt babies and dogs.” 86 on the babies and we’re right there with you, Amanda.

We need to hear more about: Her kiddos. She’s 25 and a mom of two. I could see Ben H. being down with stepdad duties but I think ultimately she’ll be let go because “it isn’t fair to keep her away from her kids any longer.”

Draftability: 7/10

 

Amber | age: 30 | Bartender | Chicago, IL

Choice line from her bio: She “can’t live” without her Teddy Bear. It’s actually the first thing on her list, before her mom, brother, and best friends. I hope Ben is not the jealous type.

We need to hear more about: What she’s doing back for a third time. In love and life, it’s best to ask yourself, “What would Chris Bukowski do?” and then DON’T DO THAT THING.

Draftability: 5/10

 

Becca | age: 26 | Chiropractic Assistant | San Diego, CA

Choice line from her bio: She’s afraid of clogging a toilet “a la Dumb and Dumber.” I think we all are, Becca. I think we all are.

We need to hear more about: What she feels she’s missing by only being able to use 10% of her brain as a human. I’d actually recommend using less than 10% of your brain during your tenure on The Bachelor, Becs. Don’t think too hard about it.

Draftability: 8/10

 

Breanne | age: 30 | Nutritional Therapist | Seattle, WA

Choice line from her bio: If she could be any fruit/veggie, she would be a “Carrot!” And she’s really fucking excited about it.

We need to hear more about: How to properly “smize.” I’m pretty sure I’ve tried this before, but usually end up looking deranged.

Draftability: 6/10

 

Caila | age: 24 | Software Sales Rep | Hudson, OH

Choice line from her bio: She hates a guy who “gets so cheesy that it seems fake.” This is akin to a contestant on “Survivor” saying that she can’t stand being outdoors. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, Caila.

We need to hear more about: Why she loves pomegranate so much. “It’s the forbidden fruit that is complicated to open, but very rewarding, tasty and good for you. Plus it takes so good!!!” Is this an extended metaphor for virginity?

Draftability: 5/10

 

Emily | age: 22 | Twin | Las Vegas, NV

Choice line from her bio: Like, all of them. This girl seems pretty effing dim. She’d waste her chance to be someone else for the day on being the one person in the world who is already identical to her.

We need to hear more about: Her “job” as a twin. The bigger the dream, the harder the grind.

Draftability: 3/10

 

Haley | age: 22 | Twin | Las Vegas, NV

Choice line from her bio: Her greatest achievement is “making it to the semi-finals of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.” So her biggest achievement is coming close to actually achieving something. Congrats…

We need to hear more about: What kind of shitty movies is she watching? We Bought a Zoo should not be in anyone’s top three (to be fair, I haven’t seen that movie).

Draftability: 3/10

 

Isabel “Izzy” | age: 24 | Graphic Designer | Branford, CT

Choice line from her bio: Her music choices—Mumford and Sons, Taylor Swift, and Beyonce. #RESPECT

We need to hear more about: These family vacations. Is she a part of the Knowles-Carter family? Idk about your family, but we didn’t “charter” shit when I was a kid. We packed some boogie boards into the minivan and fought over who had to sit all the way in the back.

Draftability: 8/10

 

Jackie | age: 23 | Gerontologist | San Francisco, CA

Choice line from her bio: She “never regrets anything.” Not even one drunk text? Not even one fart you expected to be silent but ended up betraying you?

We need to hear more about: Fergus, her stuffed giraffe. Let’s say you only get to keep one thing on that list—which do you pick: the Bible or Fergus?

Draftability: 7/10

 

Jami | age: 23 | Bartender | St. Albert, Alberta, Canada

Choice line from her bio: Lil’ Wayne is one of her favs because “he seems very smart with his raps.” It’s like she’s trying to get in with the cool kids but gave the nerdiest opinion about a rapper possible. At least she’s smart enough to call Beyonce a goddess.

We need to hear more about: Her lack of experience as a “lover.” Does this mean we have another virgin in da house? It’s a race to Pound Town, and only one girl can win.

grVLZ

Draftability: 5/10

 

Jennifer | age: 25 | Small Business Owner | Fort Lauderdale, FL

Choice line from her bio: She’d want to be a dolphin because “they are beautiful, intelligent and are the only mammals to have sex for pleasure!” Up top for dolphin sex. 

We need to hear more about: Literally every detail about her face plant. Ideally there is a video. I’m a sucker for falling stories. Not sorry.

Draftability: 7/10

 

Jessica | age: 23 | Accountant | Boca Raton, FL

Choice line from her bio: Listen here, club rats. Y’all need to STEP. Jessica does not want any “sweaty dudes rubbing up against” her while she gets low to a Rihanna remix.

We need to hear more about: Her stance on Lil Wayne. I wonder if she agrees with Jami that Weezy “seems very smart with his raps.”

Draftability: 8/10

 

Joelle “JoJo” | age: 24 | Real Estate Developer | Dallas, TX

Choice line from her bio: She can “kill a quesadilla” AND she can make a three leaf clover with her tongue. Come on, JoJo. Give the other girls a chance!

We need to hear more about: What exactly is the appeal of being both a fruit and a vegetable…? Also, why the fuck did ABC ask this question?

Draftability: 5/10

 

Jubilee | age: 24 | War Veteran | Fort Lauderdale, FL

Choice line from her bio: She loves the “smells…that belong to a city.” Either I’ve been smelling all the wrong things in the cities I’ve been in, or Jubilee loves the smell of stale urine and garbage juice.

We need to hear more about: How, exactly, sunflowers are a “great metaphor for life.” Da fuq?

Draftability: 6/10

 

Lace | age:  25 | Real Estate Agent | Denver, CO

Choice line from her bio: Our girl, Lace, left a floater in the toilet and a guy she liked saw it. Related: she’s still single.

We need to hear more about: Her name. Lace? Is it pronounced the way I think it is? Like the fabric? “I Ben, take thee, Lace.” Nah.

Draftability: 7/10

 

Laura | age: 24 | Account Executive | Louisville, KY

Choice line from her bio: If she could break any law without consequences, she’d rob a casino and then chat about it with Clooney and Pitt. YAAASS. I’d actually watch paint dry if it meant I got to debrief with Clooney and Pitt later.

We need to hear more about: How she ended up on this show sporting her natural skin color. I had always assumed that the entire Bachelor compound was rigged to mist you with a spray tan solution every time you walked through a door.

Draftability: 5/10 

 

Lauren “LB” | age: 23 | Fashion Buyer | Stillwater, OK

Choice line from her bio: The wildest thing she’s done is “join a sorority.” Wow. Calm down. Dream big.

We need to hear more about: Her nickname. Is “LB” something the producers forced her to adopt since out of the FOUR Laurens, there is another Lauren B.? Or,is she is trying to make a new nickname happen?

5c6d0-reginageorge
Draftability: 8/10 – there’s like a 15% chance that someone named Lauren is winning this thing

 

Lauren B. | age: 25 | Flight Attendant | Marina Del Ray, CA

Choice line from her bio: When asked about the most outrageous thing she’s ever done, she says “Probably this.” Slow clap, Lauren B. Other Lauren B., take notes.

We need to hear more about: She’s prepping us for some serious PDA macking on Ben H. “When I love someone, there is never a question about how much because I will constantly show you and tell.” #kissingpoints

Draftability: 6/10

 

Lauren H. | age: 25 | Kindergarten Teacher | Ann Arbor, MI

Choice line from her bio: If Lauren H. could switch places with anyone for a day, she chooses Chris Harrison. On the one hand, quit buttering him up. On the other, imagine all the secret Bach-nanigans he’s seen!

We need to hear more about: That time she accidentally showed her Pinterest wedding board to her boss and he called her out on not even having a boyfriend. Good thing you redeemed yourself by asking for time off work to meet a boyfriend on TV…

Draftability: 4/10

 

Lauren R. | age: 26 | Math Teacher | Houston, TX

Choice line from her bio: She’d have lunch with “Jesus, Michelangelo, and Justin Timberlake.” It’s like she closed her eyes and clicked on random Wikipedia pages.

We need to hear more about: This painting. Should it take over 80 hours to paint a lighthouse?

Draftability: 6/10

 

Leah | age: 25 | Event Planner | Denver, CO

Choice line from her bio: She has “two dove tattoos on the back of her calves” that she’s in the process of having lasered off. I don’t know why, but the mental image of a half-erased dove on both calves is the most amazing thing.

We need to hear more about: The time she twerked on the wall (upside down, assuming?) during her Bachelor interview. Token rowdy one. Calling it now.

Draftability: 7/10

 

Maegan | age: 30 | Cowgirl | Weatherford, TX

Choice line from her bio: This cowgirl has true grit. She claims to be afraid of snakes but follows that up with this murderous little snack: “I’ll chop their heads off with a shovel if I find them on our property!” Like, fuuuuck. Sooey.

We need to hear more about: HER MINI-HORSE. Please bring the mini-horse to the mansion, please bring the mini-horse to the mansion.

tumblr_nip142XVcw1rr1uzco1_500
Draftability: 1/10

 

Mandi | age: 28 | Dentist | Portland, OR

Choice line from her bio: One of her worst attributes is “having a tendency to drink too much.” That right there? Behold. That’s how you get on “The Bachelor.”

We need to hear more about: Her desire to be a free-range chicken for a day. Bet her and Tiara (down below) are gonna be besties.

Draftability: 3/10

 

Olivia | age: 23 | News Anchor | Austin, TX

Choice line from her bio: Her favorite fictional character is Katniss. We’ll take it, ya kween.

We need to hear more about: Her news anchor gig. She better do her anchor voice to narrate some scenes for us. “We’re live at the Bachelor Mansion pool, where Mandi has consumed eight—*presses her hand to her ear* I’m sorry, we’re receiving new information—NINE, nine vodka tonics.”

Draftability: 10/10

 

Rachel | age: 23 | Unemployed | Little Rock, AR

Choice line from her bio: “Gift giving” is her love language. Not to be judgmental, but that’s the worst love language. (Tangent: do you know your love language? Take the quiz; it’s super fun. Sorry in advance if you get “gift-giving.” That sucks.)

We need to hear more about: Her funemployment. Way to keep it real, Rach.

Draftability: 7/10

 

Samantha | age: 26 | Attorney | New Smyrna Beach, FL

Choice line from her bio: When asked how she would impress a man, Samantha answers: “I would hope that just being myself and spending quality time would be enough. If he is the right man for me, I shouldn’t have to work so hard to impress him.” Preach. ONCE MORE, FOR THE FANS IN THE BALCONY, SAMANTHA.

We need to hear more about: Her parents. She says their approval means “everything” to her. Hoping she makes it to Hometowns. Then again, who would disapprove of the human-shaped confection that is Ben H.?

Draftability: 8/10

 

Shushanna | age: 27 | Mathematician | Salt Lake City, UT

Choice line from her bio: Imma just copy and paste this here for you. This mathematician had to have been drunk when she wrote this rambling incoherent paragraph about her search for lobe: “At some point I stopped believing in lobe again. I thought something was wrong with me or I’m just so buy that I don’t want anyone in my life. Maybe this get away will help to open my eyes and meet someone special. And even if it doesn’t happen on the show, I believe this show will help me with my hopes and loss.”

We need to hear more about: 10 points to her parents for christening her with a moniker that can be shortened to “Shush.” I hope she has a sister name Quietlynn.

Draftability: 5/10

 

Tiara | age: 26 | Chicken Enthusiast | Redmond, WA

Choice line from her bio: Her favorite kind of weather is “medium weather.” Clouds are not tops from Target, Tiara. There is no medium size weather.

We need to hear more about: Okay, I’ll bite. What’s up with the chicken thing? Are they pets? What does she do when the people around her order a chicken sandwich or suggest a group outing to KFC?

Draftability: 4/10

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , ,