Well, amigos, we’ve reached the end of this journey together, and I am not complaining. Frankly, if I have to hear Juan Pablo claim that “he’s just being honest” while describing his latest act of douchebaggery one more time, I’m going to throttle him.
We’re in St. Lucia, and the entire Galavis clan shows up to talk some mild shit about JP to the women who are chomping at the bit to marry him.
Clare’s Date
Clare arrives first to meet Camila and field some softball questions from los padres y Rodolfo. Clare professes her love for JP to todo la familia, and doesn’t blink an eye when they tell her that he is rude and hyperactive. Clare, honey, when the people who are genetically required to love someone unconditionally warn you that he is kind of dick, LISTEN. Juan and Rodolfo have a charming conversation about how Clare is “begging for it,” and then the Galavises say adios to Clare.
Next up, Clare and JP reunite to go make out all over tropical paradise of St. Lucia. After a season with a notable lack of helicopter rides, Clare and JP climb in one and it spells the beginning of the end. The music stops and something is definitely wrong. Apparently, JP told Clare he doesn’t really know her, followed by something so awful and disrespectful to her that she won’t repeat it. She is shocked and horrified…but then she grasps his hand and follows him up the mountain.
We know that Clare redeems herself in the end, but GURL. When a guy responds to “Just tell me you love me” with “I really love f*cking you” (allegedly..), you snap your fingers in a Z formation and walk away without looking back.
Later on, Clare needs to confront him to get some answers. He hides behind his “honesty” and doesn’t even offer up a half-assed “IF I hurt your feelings I’m sorry.” He fumbles through the same series of phrases he recycles every time someone calls him on his shit, and Clare is satisfied and even more in love. *Smacks head*
Nikki’s Date
Now it’s Nikki’s turn to ignore JP’s family’s warnings about how much of a douche he is. She cycles through Mom, Dad, and Rodolfo, who all gently warn her that he is stubborn, selfish, and bails when the going gets tough in a relationship. Nikki reassures us that she knows Juan Pablo differently than everyone else, and I agree, though I think what she means is “less” than everyone else. Sure Nikki, your collective 10 hours together outweighs his family’s 30 years. Sigh.
Side note: I think the Bachelor producers are just OVER this season. They really phoned it in on these last dates. “Ugh. These three dum dums? Plop ‘em on a beach and then they can sit on the couch. We’re not even buying them dinner.”
Nikki and JP sit on the couch, and Nikki gives him a framed photo of them making out and a card professing her love. He basically nods and smiles. That’s it. That’s the date.
The Final Rose
The day is finally here. Both girls slip into a ball gown and spackle their faces with the most humidity proof makeup money can buy. Clare shows up first, and we all know what that means: she’s walking back through that sand in those heels a scorned woman.
Juan Pablo kindly lets Clare pour her heart out to him before he dishes out some vague, insincere compliments, and tells her she’s out. He tries to hug her, and Clare does what we all hoped she would do and blocks it. She rips into him (better late than never) and ends with a solid final dig, “I would never want my children to have a father like you.” She drops the mic, and wobbles back through the sand in her stilletos. JP mutters, “Woo. Glad I didn’t pick her,” and every woman in America suffered a rage blackout.
Nikki similarly pours her heart out, and JP tells her that he “likes her alot. A lot, a lot.” For a fleeting second, you can almost see Nikki coming to her senses. But instead, she accepts his rose, not a ring, and gives him a sad hug. And that’s how it ends.
After The Final Rose
My frustration with Nikki didn’t come so much from the fact that she accepted Juan Pablo’s lukewarm non-proposal in that moment. If you’re not ready to get married, then you shouldn’t. At that point, she could plead ignorance, as he hadn’t revealed himself to be a giant dickhead to her in particular. However, during the “After the Final Rose” show, I was just sad for her. After you’ve seen the man you love treat a series of other women with such callous disrespect, how do you not wake up and smell the bullshit?
JP bulldozed through Chris Harrison’s questions by, again, claiming he is just “honest” without considering for one second that his honesty may be hurtful to others. Instead of Chris fixating on getting JP to admit he loves Nikki, I would have liked for him to ask her, “How does it feel to watch the man you love hurt women without a single regret?” Or, ask Juan Pablo, “Would you want someone dating Camila to be as ‘honest’ as you are with the women you date?”
The whole interview with JP and Nikki was super awkward and uncomfortable, and you can tell Chris Harrison was like “Fuck this whole circus. I’m outta here.”
We end on a positive note by announcing Andi as the new bachelorette. It will be a nice change to have someone carrying the show who doesn’t have rocks for brains.
Now for some real honesty, thanks to all of you for following along with us through this ridiculous and often painful season. We’ll be back in May for Andi’s season and hope to see you then!
Juan Pablo, why are you such a skeeze?
-B, K, J
