Tag Archives: bachelorette season 19 recap

Season 19, Episode 2: Recap

I had no idea that this season would offer two love stories for the price of one—Andi and a dude still TBD, and Craig and Josh. Though Craig self-destructed before he could get his happily ever after with Josh, Andi is still hopeful that her husband is in the Bachelorette Mansion.

The first date card shows up at the mansion, and Eric is the lucky recipient of the season’s first one-on-one date. They drive a convertible to the beach, build sandcastles, do backflips, and then board a helicopter bound for the top of Bear Mountain. Isn’t this the Southern California motto: swim in the morning and ski in the afternoon?

They’re greeted by Olympic snowboarder Louie Vito, who could not be less enthused about being a part of this date. Except for when he got to couple skate with Andi. Hey Louie, leave some room for Jesus, buddy. Eric, however, is ready to step up and guide Andi down the mountain. Dude’s good at everything. They snowboard, sled, and sip hot chocolate, and it is adorable. Eric seems like a truly sweet, passionate, and genuinely great guy, and it’s really heartbreaking to watch their date knowing that he tragically passes away after filming the show.

Back at the Bro Headquarters, the group date card comes and warns the men they’re going to have to “bare their souls.” One man pipes up and asks how “bare” is spelled, and I am impressed that he knew there was more than one spelling.

The bros roll up to Hollywood Men, which prides itself on being the only “upscale, fully choreographed show for ladies in the Los Angeles area.” (Their website is now stored in my work computer’s browser history). In other words, “Magic Mike: The Bachelor Edition” is going down. The men are raising money for “Bachelor Gives Back” which then, according to Andi, gives the money to “charities.” I mean, if half-naked MackleRoid here was raising money for YOUR charity, you’d probably ask to be anonymous too.

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The men are divided into three groups: cowboys, soldiers, and firemen—except for Marcus and Nick S. who are singled out as stripping soloists. Nick S. drew the short straw and got stuck with the robot costume, while Marcus dressed (and then undressed) as a sailor. The men learn some “choreography,” oil up their abs, and Craig stuffs his briefs with a washcloth. All in a day’s work, folks.

To their credit, most of the guys handle the whole situation with a pretty good sense of humor. Craig, however, slowly but surely loses his shit. He begins to unravel after seeing Josh in his skivvies. At first it seems like he is intimated by Josh’s manhood, but it quickly becomes apparent that Craig is actually harboring some serious lust for Josh’s aforementioned manhood. He comments, through a crazed smile, that Josh is the “total package” and steals glances his way throughout the entire striptease. I mean, do you, Craig, but maybe The Bachelorette is not the show for you. More on Craig later…

Marcus loses a bit of his smarmy swag when forced onto the strip stage.He does his best to, ahem, rise to the occasion, and caps off his performance with a Michael Jackson inspired breakdance-esque move.

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Unfortunately, Marcus’ whole performance was half-hearted, like that time my homegirl Britney Spears staged her comeback two years too early at the VMAs. You’ll get ‘em next time, BS.

Gimme gimme more, gimme more...uppers. I'm so tired.

Gimme gimme more, gimme more…uppers. I’m so tired.

At the cocktail party later that night, the men seem relieved to be fully clothed and ready to unwind with a cocktail, or in Craig’s case, ten cocktails. Lowered inhibitions were the last thing Craig needed, and he spends the night slurring about Josh’s abs and swimming in his clothes. He’s every dude you went to college with, is he not? I half-expected him to start chanting “PIKE! PIKE! PIKE!” and challenge Andi to see who could shotgun a beer faster. He shoved one of the pledges in the kitchen and dude, he’s totally gonna get the house put on probation by the campus Greek council if he doesn’t cool it already.

Josh uses his one-on-one time with Andi to insist that he isn’t your typical former pro-athlete. At what point will Josh realize that it would be a lot easier to look past those stereotypes if he a) stops bringing it up and b) offers up what he is currently doing for a living? If he is looking for a new career, he could probably make it down in Disney World playing Gaston, signing autographs for little girls by day and creeping on Cinderella by night.

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Andi was not impressed with the bro times happening in the pool and the producers take Craig home to sleep it off. Wish we could’ve seen him in the van professing his love to the producers (“You’re like, the coolest, dude! The COOLEST! *Burp*) and binge-eating fistfuls of cool ranch Doritos in his room. Marcus seizes the opportunity to swoop in and charm Andi. She dug it and gave Marcus and his inner-thigh muscles the rose.

It’s Chris’s turn for a one-on-one date and he doesn’t stop sweating for the rest of the episode. He shows up to the racetrack in head to toe pastels and is greeted by Andi, who looks lovely and retro in a Derby-ready outfit. She leads Chris to a room with a clothes buffet so he can change out of his v-neck and flip flops.

After only a few minutes in the VIP suite at the racetrack, some actors playing “Elderly Couple in Love” question Andi and Chris about their “relationship” and share some nuggets of wisdom. This sets the stage for all the lovebirds to make some cliché analogies about love, such as likening choosing a spouse to “betting on the right horse.” I’m not much of a gambler, but I’d hope that one would might approach those two things differently.

The rest of the date checks off all the boxes—a chat about Feelings, a private concert by a no-name band, some making out, a rose, etc. It’s all fairly vanilla.

Back at the mansion it’s almost rose ceremony time, and the dudes are chomping at the bit for one last desperate chance to win Andi over. Craig shows up in a three piece suit with a guitar in tow, Haircut puts on a puppet show, Marquel swings and misses with a bold attempt at pattern mixing, and the opera singer…is still here? (Seriously, who else already forgot about him?)

In the end, there’s only room for sixteen brochachos. Craig gave it all he had, but the apology song he wrote wasn’t enough for Andi. It’s not clear whether it was the robot costume or his participation in Craig’s drunken shenanigans, but Nick S. is sent packing, too. Also, someone named Carl goes home? That’s the most hipster firefighter I’ve ever seen. He was putting out fires before you even knew what fires were.

Next week, we’re treated to two back-to-back episodes, because Chris Harrison hates you and wants you to lose your job and neglect your personal life.

We’d put a dollar in every single one of your G-strings,

B, K, and J

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address at the bottom of the page. Did you know we’re also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time.

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Season 19, Episode 1: Recap

Houston, this is Bach Fantasy. We have bros.

Season 19 starts like all other seasons: montage after montage of the bachelorette doing the look-away. Looking away at work, looking away at home. Hey, there she is looking away at a store! It’s no secret that ABC has this Bach thing down to a formula.

We’re first treated to a “Law and Order” montage of Andi in her billowing DA-windbreaker, peeking in people’s backyards and IDing graffiti as gang activity. She poses and preens in front of a stack of books.

I think the producers are very keen to show that this Bachelorette is “one of us” as opposed to the psychopath they let take a dump on America’s heart last season. Cut to another montage of Andi and her sister giggling and trying on dresses to get ready for this season. Andi: “I could be engaged by summer! Craaaaazy.” Yes, that sounds like someone who is emotionally ready to make a lifelong commitment.

Finally, it’s time for limo introductions. Most of the men seemed like caricatures of real people. Also, it would really help me for scoring purposes if they introduced the men in alphabetical order. Every single dude this season looks like he could be named Chris.

Andi seems to have a thing for tall, dark, and handsome men, including Marcus and Josh M. She repeatedly mentions how cute they are. The Bach Fantasy at-home player should heed these asides.

Cody the Brody “pushes” the limo up the driveway. He’s the Atlas of bro-dom. Cannot believe he got a rose.

Atlas

Photo Credit: Singing With Light via Compfight cc

I fell in love with Marquel. And then he showered her with milk and cookies later. In his bio, his perfect date is “making cookies and watching Netflix.” Dang, Marquel, the only two times America has seen you, you’ve mentioned cookies. How are you still single?

Rudie tries to win her over by playing his attorney card, but Andi deemed his evidence inadmissable.

Emil tells Andi that his name is basically “anal” with an M, which I bet is a defensive little tactic he’s been using since grade school. When you have a name that sounds like a poop chute, you gotta get ahead of the joke. Lets the bullies know you’re in on it.

Brett the hair stylist/Hamburglar is not straight. Just saying. They give him the creepy Bachelor music when he exits the limo, which means he’ll expire in one of the next two episodes but he’ll at least be entertaining in the meantime.

Craig decides to relive his glory days in Zeta Beta Tau and pops his finest bottle of Andre to supersoak the driveway and the rear windshield of the limo. You know that limo driver was like, “Fuck, come onnnn, dude.”

Nick S., the professional golfer, made sure Andi knew he was a professional golfer by arriving in a Professional Golf Cart. We get it. You’re rich. He wasn’t even paying attention to Andi until she mentioned, “I’ve got a little swing.” Dude went six to midnight.

There was also a brigade of long-haired dudes, including Dr. Jason. We found a childhood photo of him.

Kirsten

And Mike the bartender, who gave a wooden and forgettable performance as Man Who Pretended to Meet Andi in a Bar.

Watching the scenes with Eric is heart-breaking. He’s so sweet and seems like a genuinely good person.

Suddenly, Chris Bukowski from Emily’s season, who has made his career out of debasing himself on ABC’s various reality TV shows, is lurking in the driveway, hoping for a chance to meet Andi. Chris Harrison springs into turbo cock-blocking mode, clearly relishing in this drama. This is why Harrison gets out of bed in the morning.

Andi’s face is priceless when Chris tells her who’s in the driveway and she accidentally reveals that she never watched the show before applying to be on it.. She has no fucking clue who this dude is.

Bukowski admits that he didn’t know when they were filming so he’s been lurking around the Bachelor mansion for SEVEN DAYS. I mean. Alarm bells.

Also, what on earth was he doing for seven days? Hanging in the bushes? Roaming the block? Did he pack snacks? Was he wearing his suit the whole time? And finally, what idiot thinks that a woman he has never met in person is going to be charmed by him trespassing and hunching in the bushes, waiting for a camera crew to roll up?

Back at the cocktail party, Andi plays musical suit jackets while each guy makes his case to earn a rose. She eats some cookies, the bros bro out, and, disappointingly, no one gets too drunk and embarrasses himself.

Andi swoops in to pick up the first impression rose, and every dude salivates with his eyes trained on the rose, waiting to see where she is going with it. Nick V. is the lucky recipient, and he seems sincerely and adorably surprised.

Then it’s rose ceremony time. I always get a little nervous at the first ceremony, imagining how it’s possible to even remember the names of the guys I liked, let alone the entire pack. How these bachelors and bachelorettes don’t just point and wink at the good ones and moo at the bad ones, I’ll never know.

Bros stay and bros leave, and with that we’re under way. Our bachelorette is one step closer to marrying a dude with whom she’ll have spent 24 combined hours.

Hand over the rose cookies and no one gets hurt.
J, B & K

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