Bach Fantasy

Christmas came early this year, friends. I didn’t even know I wanted a Chicken Enthusiast for Christmas until Santa’s little helper, Chris Harrison, dropped one right in our laps.  God Bless us, everyone.

We’ve rounded up our thoughts on each of the 28 contestants vying to be Ben’s one and only. Because here’s the thing: the cast bios are a bit more revealing than many assume.

Of those 28, FIVE are named Lauren or Laura, about 90% of them included a Nicholas Sparks movie as one of their favorites, and at least three listed a beloved stuffed animal as something they couldn’t live without. One of these 28 will be Ben’s wife. Or at least his fiancée for three People magazine covers. 

Without further ado…

Amanda | age: 25 | Esthetician | Rancho Santa Margarita, CA

Choice line from her bio: If she won the lottery, she “would buy a big house by the beach and adopt babies and dogs.” 86 on the babies and we’re right there with you, Amanda.

We need to hear more about: Her kiddos. She’s 25 and a mom of two. I could see Ben H. being down with stepdad duties but I think ultimately she’ll be let go because “it isn’t fair to keep her away from her kids any longer.”

Draftability: 7/10

 

Amber | age: 30 | Bartender | Chicago, IL

Choice line from her bio: She “can’t live” without her Teddy Bear. It’s actually the first thing on her list, before her mom, brother, and best friends. I hope Ben is not the jealous type.

We need to hear more about: What she’s doing back for a third time. In love and life, it’s best to ask yourself, “What would Chris Bukowski do?” and then DON’T DO THAT THING.

Draftability: 5/10

 

Becca | age: 26 | Chiropractic Assistant | San Diego, CA

Choice line from her bio: She’s afraid of clogging a toilet “a la Dumb and Dumber.” I think we all are, Becca. I think we all are.

We need to hear more about: What she feels she’s missing by only being able to use 10% of her brain as a human. I’d actually recommend using less than 10% of your brain during your tenure on The Bachelor, Becs. Don’t think too hard about it.

Draftability: 8/10

 

Breanne | age: 30 | Nutritional Therapist | Seattle, WA

Choice line from her bio: If she could be any fruit/veggie, she would be a “Carrot!” And she’s really fucking excited about it.

We need to hear more about: How to properly “smize.” I’m pretty sure I’ve tried this before, but usually end up looking deranged.

Draftability: 6/10

 

Caila | age: 24 | Software Sales Rep | Hudson, OH

Choice line from her bio: She hates a guy who “gets so cheesy that it seems fake.” This is akin to a contestant on “Survivor” saying that she can’t stand being outdoors. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, Caila.

We need to hear more about: Why she loves pomegranate so much. “It’s the forbidden fruit that is complicated to open, but very rewarding, tasty and good for you. Plus it takes so good!!!” Is this an extended metaphor for virginity?

Draftability: 5/10

 

Emily | age: 22 | Twin | Las Vegas, NV

Choice line from her bio: Like, all of them. This girl seems pretty effing dim. She’d waste her chance to be someone else for the day on being the one person in the world who is already identical to her.

We need to hear more about: Her “job” as a twin. The bigger the dream, the harder the grind.

Draftability: 3/10

 

Haley | age: 22 | Twin | Las Vegas, NV

Choice line from her bio: Her greatest achievement is “making it to the semi-finals of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.” So her biggest achievement is coming close to actually achieving something. Congrats…

We need to hear more about: What kind of shitty movies is she watching? We Bought a Zoo should not be in anyone’s top three (to be fair, I haven’t seen that movie).

Draftability: 3/10

 

Isabel “Izzy” | age: 24 | Graphic Designer | Branford, CT

Choice line from her bio: Her music choices—Mumford and Sons, Taylor Swift, and Beyonce. #RESPECT

We need to hear more about: These family vacations. Is she a part of the Knowles-Carter family? Idk about your family, but we didn’t “charter” shit when I was a kid. We packed some boogie boards into the minivan and fought over who had to sit all the way in the back.

Draftability: 8/10

 

Jackie | age: 23 | Gerontologist | San Francisco, CA

Choice line from her bio: She “never regrets anything.” Not even one drunk text? Not even one fart you expected to be silent but ended up betraying you?

We need to hear more about: Fergus, her stuffed giraffe. Let’s say you only get to keep one thing on that list—which do you pick: the Bible or Fergus?

Draftability: 7/10

 

Jami | age: 23 | Bartender | St. Albert, Alberta, Canada

Choice line from her bio: Lil’ Wayne is one of her favs because “he seems very smart with his raps.” It’s like she’s trying to get in with the cool kids but gave the nerdiest opinion about a rapper possible. At least she’s smart enough to call Beyonce a goddess.

We need to hear more about: Her lack of experience as a “lover.” Does this mean we have another virgin in da house? It’s a race to Pound Town, and only one girl can win.

Draftability: 5/10

 

Jennifer | age: 25 | Small Business Owner | Fort Lauderdale, FL

Choice line from her bio: She’d want to be a dolphin because “they are beautiful, intelligent and are the only mammals to have sex for pleasure!” Up top for dolphin sex. 

We need to hear more about: Literally every detail about her face plant. Ideally there is a video. I’m a sucker for falling stories. Not sorry.

Draftability: 7/10

 

Jessica | age: 23 | Accountant | Boca Raton, FL

Choice line from her bio: Listen here, club rats. Y’all need to STEP. Jessica does not want any “sweaty dudes rubbing up against” her while she gets low to a Rihanna remix.

We need to hear more about: Her stance on Lil Wayne. I wonder if she agrees with Jami that Weezy “seems very smart with his raps.”

Draftability: 8/10

 

Joelle “JoJo” | age: 24 | Real Estate Developer | Dallas, TX

Choice line from her bio: She can “kill a quesadilla” AND she can make a three leaf clover with her tongue. Come on, JoJo. Give the other girls a chance!

We need to hear more about: What exactly is the appeal of being both a fruit and a vegetable…? Also, why the fuck did ABC ask this question?

Draftability: 5/10

 

Jubilee | age: 24 | War Veteran | Fort Lauderdale, FL

Choice line from her bio: She loves the “smells…that belong to a city.” Either I’ve been smelling all the wrong things in the cities I’ve been in, or Jubilee loves the smell of stale urine and garbage juice.

We need to hear more about: How, exactly, sunflowers are a “great metaphor for life.” Da fuq?

Draftability: 6/10

 

Lace | age:  25 | Real Estate Agent | Denver, CO

Choice line from her bio: Our girl, Lace, left a floater in the toilet and a guy she liked saw it. Related: she’s still single.

We need to hear more about: Her name. Lace? Is it pronounced the way I think it is? Like the fabric? “I Ben, take thee, Lace.” Nah.

Draftability: 7/10

 

Laura | age: 24 | Account Executive | Louisville, KY

Choice line from her bio: If she could break any law without consequences, she’d rob a casino and then chat about it with Clooney and Pitt. YAAASS. I’d actually watch paint dry if it meant I got to debrief with Clooney and Pitt later.

We need to hear more about: How she ended up on this show sporting her natural skin color. I had always assumed that the entire Bachelor compound was rigged to mist you with a spray tan solution every time you walked through a door.

Draftability: 5/10 

 

Lauren “LB” | age: 23 | Fashion Buyer | Stillwater, OK

Choice line from her bio: The wildest thing she’s done is “join a sorority.” Wow. Calm down. Dream big.

We need to hear more about: Her nickname. Is “LB” something the producers forced her to adopt since out of the FOUR Laurens, there is another Lauren B.? Or,is she is trying to make a new nickname happen?

Draftability: 8/10 – there’s like a 15% chance that someone named Lauren is winning this thing

 

Lauren B. | age: 25 | Flight Attendant | Marina Del Ray, CA

Choice line from her bio: When asked about the most outrageous thing she’s ever done, she says “Probably this.” Slow clap, Lauren B. Other Lauren B., take notes.

We need to hear more about: She’s prepping us for some serious PDA macking on Ben H. “When I love someone, there is never a question about how much because I will constantly show you and tell.” #kissingpoints

Draftability: 6/10

 

Lauren H. | age: 25 | Kindergarten Teacher | Ann Arbor, MI

Choice line from her bio: If Lauren H. could switch places with anyone for a day, she chooses Chris Harrison. On the one hand, quit buttering him up. On the other, imagine all the secret Bach-nanigans he’s seen!

We need to hear more about: That time she accidentally showed her Pinterest wedding board to her boss and he called her out on not even having a boyfriend. Good thing you redeemed yourself by asking for time off work to meet a boyfriend on TV…

Draftability: 4/10

 

Lauren R. | age: 26 | Math Teacher | Houston, TX

Choice line from her bio: She’d have lunch with “Jesus, Michelangelo, and Justin Timberlake.” It’s like she closed her eyes and clicked on random Wikipedia pages.

We need to hear more about: This painting. Should it take over 80 hours to paint a lighthouse?

Draftability: 6/10

 

Leah | age: 25 | Event Planner | Denver, CO

Choice line from her bio: She has “two dove tattoos on the back of her calves” that she’s in the process of having lasered off. I don’t know why, but the mental image of a half-erased dove on both calves is the most amazing thing.

We need to hear more about: The time she twerked on the wall (upside down, assuming?) during her Bachelor interview. Token rowdy one. Calling it now.

Draftability: 7/10

 

Maegan | age: 30 | Cowgirl | Weatherford, TX

Choice line from her bio: This cowgirl has true grit. She claims to be afraid of snakes but follows that up with this murderous little snack: “I’ll chop their heads off with a shovel if I find them on our property!” Like, fuuuuck. Sooey.

We need to hear more about: HER MINI-HORSE. Please bring the mini-horse to the mansion, please bring the mini-horse to the mansion.

Draftability: 1/10

 

Mandi | age: 28 | Dentist | Portland, OR

Choice line from her bio: One of her worst attributes is “having a tendency to drink too much.” That right there? Behold. That’s how you get on “The Bachelor.”

We need to hear more about: Her desire to be a free-range chicken for a day. Bet her and Tiara (down below) are gonna be besties.

Draftability: 3/10

 

Olivia | age: 23 | News Anchor | Austin, TX

Choice line from her bio: Her favorite fictional character is Katniss. We’ll take it, ya kween.

We need to hear more about: Her news anchor gig. She better do her anchor voice to narrate some scenes for us. “We’re live at the Bachelor Mansion pool, where Mandi has consumed eight—*presses her hand to her ear* I’m sorry, we’re receiving new information—NINE, nine vodka tonics.”

Draftability: 10/10

 

Rachel | age: 23 | Unemployed | Little Rock, AR

Choice line from her bio: “Gift giving” is her love language. Not to be judgmental, but that’s the worst love language. (Tangent: do you know your love language? Take the quiz; it’s super fun. Sorry in advance if you get “gift-giving.” That sucks.)

We need to hear more about: Her funemployment. Way to keep it real, Rach.

Draftability: 7/10

 

Samantha | age: 26 | Attorney | New Smyrna Beach, FL

Choice line from her bio: When asked how she would impress a man, Samantha answers: “I would hope that just being myself and spending quality time would be enough. If he is the right man for me, I shouldn’t have to work so hard to impress him.” Preach. ONCE MORE, FOR THE FANS IN THE BALCONY, SAMANTHA.

We need to hear more about: Her parents. She says their approval means “everything” to her. Hoping she makes it to Hometowns. Then again, who would disapprove of the human-shaped confection that is Ben H.?

Draftability: 8/10

 

Shushanna | age: 27 | Mathematician | Salt Lake City, UT

Choice line from her bio: Imma just copy and paste this here for you. This mathematician had to have been drunk when she wrote this rambling incoherent paragraph about her search for lobe: “At some point I stopped believing in lobe again. I thought something was wrong with me or I’m just so buy that I don’t want anyone in my life. Maybe this get away will help to open my eyes and meet someone special. And even if it doesn’t happen on the show, I believe this show will help me with my hopes and loss.”

We need to hear more about: 10 points to her parents for christening her with a moniker that can be shortened to “Shush.” I hope she has a sister name Quietlynn.

Draftability: 5/10

 

Tiara | age: 26 | Chicken Enthusiast | Redmond, WA

Choice line from her bio: Her favorite kind of weather is “medium weather.” Clouds are not tops from Target, Tiara. There is no medium size weather.

We need to hear more about: Okay, I’ll bite. What’s up with the chicken thing? Are they pets? What does she do when the people around her order a chicken sandwich or suggest a group outing to KFC?

Draftability: 4/10