Bach Fantasy

Class is in session, everyone. Sharpen your pencils, bust out your Trapper Keeper. This crew of dudes is here and ready to teach us a whole lot about love and Formula 1 racing (I literally don’t know what that is). You may recall a number of the lessons we learned last season. For the brochachos competing for Andi’s heart, the most important lesson was: don’t you dare mutter the words “It’s ok.” Seriously. Not even as a joke.

Let’s review what we’ve learned so far:

1. Hotels are pretty lax about their lamp security. Brett the Haircut stepped out of the limo holding a generic looking floor lamp, which he proudly gifted to Andi, and confirmed he swiped from the hotel. #swoon
2. It’s hard out there for a man with a blonde bob. Andi wasn’t feeling it. Next time try a distractingly large diamond earring, Dr. Jason.
3. Bring. Cookies. Hello, why has no one done this before? Marquel won the episode when he showed up to his one-on-one time with Andi with a full platter of cookies. Marquel – 1 Every other human male – 0
4. If your name rhymes with Anal, dating can be tough. There’s not much else to say about that one.
5. Sometimes moderate to severe stalking doesn’t pay off. Chris Bukowski, who has never met Andi before, set up camp at the Bachelor mansion for a whole fucking week waiting for his chance to talk to the pretty girl he saw on TV.  It didn’t work.

At least Juan Pablo is nowhere in sight,

B

Five Things We Learned from The Bachelor, Episode 6

1) Juan Pablo wears harem sweatpants. As evidenced by him loaning his loungewear to Clare. Sometimes before I fall asleep at night, I lie in bed and think to myself, Who really killed JFK? and What happens after I die? and Who is buying and wearing harem sweatpants? Finally, an answer to one of those questions.

2) Peter Jackson sponsors “The Bachelor.” Each year, the show does some sort of extended movie product placement—a few seasons ago it was Brave, then it was The Muppets, and last year’s was The Lone Ranger. This was by far the most odd choice—is there much overlap between fans of The Lord of the Rings and people who watch “The Bachelor” every Monday night?

4) Never use the Sob Story Card as a means to stay on the show. Play the Single Mother Card, heck play the Virgin Card if you must, but never, ever reveal your most heartbreaking story for the first time at the rose ceremony when you might be on the chopping block.

5) Chris Harrison forgot to update his passport. Seriously, where is that fucker? Detained in customs?

Shit got real this week, guys. JP got himself into a bit of hot water, and I’m not talking about the kind in a hot tub. We saw a bit of a slimier side of Juan Pablo after he flip-flopped about his ocean-romp with Clare, learned that Cassandra does not know there are farms in the United States, and watched all the girls quietly panic about the humidity in Vietnam frizzing up their hair. If you ask me, all three are equally distressing.

Alas, another week is upon us. What did we learn from our time in Vietnam? Let’s recap.

Five Things We Learned from The Bachelor, Episode 5

1. It is required that you have a crippling phobia to be on this show. Because it seems statistically impossible that in 18 seasons no female cast member has ever been genuinely stoked to bungee jump or dance on the side of a skyscraper.

2. Juan Pablo is full of bologna. The whole “I can’t kiss any girls on TV because I have a daughter, unless your name is Clare, Andi, or Sharleen” act is getting old.

3. The Vietnamese are really on to something with this whole “farm” idea. Cassandra was thoroughly impressed with the uniquely Vietnamese idea of planting fruits and vegetables in the ground, only to later harvest them for a meal.

4. Clare is allergic to jerks. That’s the only way anyone is buying her “allergy” excuse for the (barely) puffy and watery eyes she showed up with at the cocktail party.

5. Don’t “trusss” Juan Pablo, lest you find yourself publicly shamed after completely consensual midnight sexy times in the ocean.

On to the next one,

B

Five Things We Learned from “The Bachelor,” Episode 3

Last Monday, Juan Pablo drove on water, several contestants played a pick-up game of soccer that made your intramural league in college look like the U.S. Olympic team, Chelsie literally jumped off a bridge because Juan Pablo asked her to, and Kat performed a hymen maneuver on the back of JP’s head during a pool party chickenfight. Ay, carumba. Here are some lessons we gleaned from episode 3.

1. Producers are banking on the fact that the L.A. Health Department doesn’t watch “The Bachelor.” Then again, Andi and JP making out in that stadium’s concession stand might not even be in the top 5 grossest things to go down in that food stall.

2. If Juan Pablo says jump, you say “How high?” Two weeks ago, a 30-second pep talk from JP convinced Andi to drop trou at the photo shoot. This week, Chelsie was shaking like a leaf when she found out she had to bungee jump—and all it took was for Juan Pablo to say, “Trussss me” about 10 times and Chelsie done threw herself off that bridge. Git. dat. rose.

3. JP likes to evaluate his women when they’re not wearing make-up. Or clothes. He wants us to think he’s so very, much, muy casual but his whole “let’s do a pool party instead of a cocktail party” schtick was just a ploy to analyze the jugs of his potential wives. Let’s call a spade a spade.

4. We’ve been pronouncing the word “pajamas” wrong our whole lives. Henceforth, they are to be referred to only as pey-amas.

5. There are 15 girls competing for the same man. Wait, what in the actual eff? Sharleen made out with Juan Pablo at the pool party?! But we had such a good one-on-one date last week! How could he do this to me? We, like, have so much chemistry! What kind of a show is this? This is like, so much harder than I thought it would be!

I’ve been saying “el bach-e-lor” all week,

J

Ay dios mio, y’all. At the beginning of each season, I start out thinking, “Surely the producers must be running out of absurd situations in which to place these people.” Then, Monday comes around and I’m watching a woman with a law degree strategically positioning a rescue mutt to hide her labia from the camera. Le sigh.

Before we see what the producers have masterminded for episode three, let’s recall some of the most ludicrous lessons we learned in episode two.

Five Things I Learned From the Bachelor, Episode 2

1. To be safe, always pack a sports bra and some Molly when going on a one-on-one date. JP whisks Kat away to the house music capital of the country (Salt Lake City, obvi) for a combination rave/5K run to show us that whatever you thought your worst-case, dating scenario was, you were wrong.

2. Not all snow is cold. Either that, or the heat from Juan Pablo and Clare’s loins was caliente enough to make pants and coats optional in their winter wonderland.

3. The Bachelor makeup artists have never seen a real dog before. That’s just one possible explanation for why they made Kelly look like a papier-mache alien wearing blackface when costuming her as a “dog”. Another possible explanation: they have a great sense of humor and seized the opportunity.

4. Bachelor producers lace the champagne with quaaludes, because according to Victoria, her epic meltdown occurred after just one glass. Buyer beware.

5. “Life is about straddling people, and things.” This is just a hunch, but I think straddling people and things is the first step when performing the “hymen maneuver.”

Cheers to hot tubs and hymens,

B

We’re juan two-hour episode into this journey, and already contestants are racing past “batshit,” and hovering near “unhinged Disney princess” on the crazy scale. Real things that happened thus far? Our South American Bachelor gave a very hesitant alto the first impression rose, Clare’s faux baby bump did NOT turn out to be a concealed soccer ball, and a dog roamed freely through the cocktail party. And that’s just the short story. Before we go any further on the helicopter ride to Happily Ever After As Long As We Can Still Be On TV, let’s review what we’ve learned from The Bachelor so far.

5 Things I Learned from The Bachelor, Episode 1

1) Pianos can be bikes. When Lauren S rode her piano-tricycle hybrid up to the Bachelor mansion, I kind of expected her to swallow a fiery knife or juggle a dozen roses next. Consider every guy’s three-wheeled circus fantasy majorly fulfilled.

2) Showing up as Cinderella is not the start to happily ever after. Bippity, boppity, oops.

3) Pretending to be preggo doesn’t automatically disqualify you. We’re not sure whether to give kudos to Juan Pablo for being the first guy ever to find a pregnancy joke funny or to remind him that fake pregnancy spells una chica loca EVERY TIME.

4) Personal space invasion is sexy. And apparently so is saying, “Does it make you nervous when I get close?” More like holy-age-difference uncomfortable, but yes, Lucy, it does.

5) Conversation is optional. Did Cassandra’s ability to converse go out the door with her NBA dancing gig? The only thing to cheer on during that awkward intro was the crickets.

15 hours until the picnics at altitude and ugly crying commence.

May your mascara be ever waterproof,

K