There are no hometowns listed in the cast bios, so we’re assuming it means all 26 of this season’s “Bachelorette” contestants were conceived and grown in a factory on no-man’s land. *rubs hands excitedly* Let’s dive right in.
Alex | age: 25 | U.S. Marine
- Choice line from his bio: He’s not into the “whole booty dancing thing.” Fifty points to the guy who can get Alex to twerk on camera.
- We need to hear more about: The time he Hulked out and ripped the door off a car that was on fire and rescued the driver. His favorite movies are also “Troy,” “Inglorious Basterds,” and “300.” We get it, Alex. You have a dick.
- Draftability: 7/10
Ali | age: 27 | Bartender
- Choice line from his bio: There is not one interesting thing in his bio but if you squint your eyes at his photo, he kind of looks like peak John Stamos.
- We need to hear more about: How deep his fear of bugs is… PRANKS! PRANKS! PRANKS!
- Draftability:7/10
Brandon | age: 28 | Hipster
- Choice line from his bio: Here we have our first whack Bachelor job: Hipster. And yet he has no tattoos, he describes himself as athletic, his favorite movie is Good Will Hunting, and he cites a Malcolm Gladwell book as his fav piece of literature. This is like calling my own Dad a hipster.
- We need to hear more about: Where he parks his creepy van at night. Brandon wants to experience someone “from the inside out.” I get what he’s going for here, but he chose a pretty murdery way to describe that.
- Draftability: 3/10
Chad | age: 28 | Luxury Real Estate Agent
- Choice line from his bio: His answer to THREE different questions is: “myself in 10 years. Alright, alright, alright.” You’ve exhausted the joke, dude.
- We need to hear more about: His date that blacked out during dinner. I have a hunch I’d also try to blackout if I went out with Chad. This one may not be on her.
- Draftability: 6/10
Chase | age: 27 | Medical Sales Rep
- Choice line from his bio: His biggest fear is a girl falling in love with him…and he’s not that into it.
- We need to hear more about: What the fuck is so special about his truck? That’s his limit in terms of what he’ll do for love? I say let’s vote Chase off now and see if we can get Meatloaf on the show.
- Draftability: 8/10
Christian | age: 26 | Telecom Consultant
- Choice line from his bio: His bucket list really runs the gamut. He wants to befriend Mark Cuban, take selfies in space, and spoil his grandchildren. That last one is the puzzler. Does he already have grandchildren…? If not, does he not want to spoil his own children first?
- We need to hear more about: HULLO, his amateur stripping career. Willing to pay a generous bounty for any photo evidence of this.
- Draftability: 6/10
Coley | age: 27 | Real Estate Consultant
- Choice line from his bio: Hard to decide between his bucket list (#respect for those choices) or his book selection (Accio rose, amirite?).
- We need to hear more about: The girl who tried to move in with him after a week of dating. Did she? C’mon, Coley, don’t leave us hanging.
- Draftability: 5/10 – His bio is respectable, but his name is Coley. Sorry.
Derek | age: 29 | Commercial Banker
- Choice line from his bio: If he were stranded on a desert island, the worst case scenario would be if there were a shitload of cucumbers on it.
Seriously, pick a more benign vegetable.
- We need to hear more about: His penchant for skinny-dipping. We’re expecting some major “blurred out” points from Derek.
- Draftability: 8/10
Daniel | age: 31 | Male Model
- Choice line from his bio: He doesn’t have any tattoos because “You don’t put stickers on a lambo.” He also assures us that he is comfortable wearing a bathing suit in public, because “why have a lambo if you keep it parked in the garage.” Daaaamn, Daniel. Back at it again with the bad metaphors.
- We need to hear more about: His Men’s Rights activism. I bet if we check his Twitter feed, there are all sorts of rants about girls who “tricked him” by looking better in their dating profile pictures.
- Draftability: 8/10 – could definitely be the season villain
Evan | age: 33 | Erectile Dysfunction Expert
- Choice line from his bio: Where do I start with this guy? He describes his sexual energy as “very powerful and beautiful.” Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife. He also wants to be Trump for a day and he has a laundry list of dating dealbreakers, including “girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies.” FOOD ALLERGIES? Way harsh, Tai.
- We need to hear more about: His job – “Erectile Dysfunction Expert.” Did he go into the family business or…?
- Draftability: 2/10
Grant | age: 27 | Firefighter
- Choice line from his bio: His greatest achievement to date? “Saving a life.” Way to drop the freakin mic. Let’s be real, if I saw Grant approaching, I’d play dead. Resuscitate me, boi.
- We need to hear more about: It’s a toss-up between the Mexican police chase and his ex slapping him in a bar. Maybe they’re connected?
- Draftability: 9/10
Jake | age: 26 | Landscape Architect
- Choice line from his bio: He’s not afraid of any animal, because humans are at the “top of the food chain.” You’re right, Jake, no human has ever been killed by an animal.
- We need to hear more about: How he plans to help the people with his power of flight. If only there were humans out there getting killed by animals. I bet he could help them. If they existed.
- Draftability: 5/10
James F. | age: 34 | Boxing Club Owner
- Choice line from his bio: He likes when a book is so vivid that he can almost “smell their environment.” This is how people who don’t read books talk.
- We need to hear more about: What the fuck is carb cycling? Before you answer, I’m pretty sure I want no part of it.
- Draftability: 3/10 – Real talk, I think James’ admission to the show was a clerical error.
James S. | age: 27 | Bachelor Superfan
- Choice line from his bio: His job – apparently this joker is a “Bachelor Superfan.” Has Chris Harrison finally opened up an institution of higher education or is James self-taught?
- We need to hear more about: His thoughts on “intimacy.” Does this mean a season of Duggar-style side hugs?
- Draftability: 4/10 – seems like a tool
James Taylor | age: 29 | Singer-Songwriter
- Choice line from his bio: This guy, named JAMES TAYLOR, is a singer-songwriter. We know you’re not the real James Taylor.
- We need to hear more about: Why he still refers to his dad as “daddy.” You’re 29, bro.
- Draftability: 3/10
Jonathan | age: 29 | Technical Sales Rep
- Choice line from his bio: If he could change places with anyone, he “would be someone incredibly poor in a third world country to see what it’s like and appreciate what [he has].” Poverty tourism—good answer.
- We need to hear more about: Jonathan has a tattoo of his grandma on his arm. Like her name or a portrait of her?
- Draftability: 3/10
Jordan | age: 27 | Former Pro Quarterback
- Choice line from his bio: He hates it when his date “doesn’t want to eat in front of [him].” You’re speaking my love language, Jordan.
- We need to hear more about: His job as a former pro quarterback. Which team? And for how long? Can we check his references? I’m detecting a faint odor of catfishing.
- Draftability: 6/10
Luke | age: 31 | War Veteran
- Choice line from his bio: We’ve got another hopeful bromance with Mark Cuban, folks. Lots of “Shark Tank” fans this season.
- We need to hear more about: His status as a war veteran. Lots of military men in the house. Will this lead to tension or camaraderie? Find out after the commercial break.
- Draftability: 4/10
Nick B. | age: 33 | Electrical Engineer
- Choice line from his bio: If he could be anyone in the world for a day, he’d be “the woman [he] wants to marry so [he] could find out what’s in her head.”
- We need to hear more about: His favorite magazine, Ducks Unlimited. Is this a euphemism?
- Draftability: 4/10
Nick S. | age: 26 | Software Salesman
- Choice line from his bio: If he could have any job for a day, he would choose: “Don Draper? James Bond?” He didn’t understand the assignment.
- We need to hear more about: The mountain lion he supposedly chased.
- Draftability: 5/10
Peter | age: 26 | Staffing Agency Manager
- Choice line from his bio: Peter loves dinosaurs so much he’d time travel back to the Mesozoic Era to see ‘em. Did you see Jurassic Park, Pete? Didn’t work out so great for the humans.
- We need to hear more about: That time he was a sk8er boi, she said see you later boy.
- Draftability: 6/10
Robby | age: 27 | Former Competitive Swimmer
- Choice line from his bio: He calls his favorite flower, the honeysuckle, “delicious.” “Robby, will you
accepteat this honeysuckle?” - We need to hear more about: When asked to name his three best attributes, he includes “handsome.” Warning: narcissism alert.
- Draftability: 7/10 – We think JoJo will be into it.
Sal | age: 28 | Operations Manager
- Choice line from his bio: His worst case scenario on a desert island is a Kardashian. Fair enough, though I think it would depend which one. As long as there are no cucumbers, amirite?
- We need to hear more about: His past career in vandalism. (He once egged a gym teacher’s house in high school.) Maybe he has a problem with authority. Watch yer back, Harrison.
- Draftability: 4/10
Vinny | age: 28 | Barber
- Choice line from his bio: I actually LOLed when I read his response to what he won’t do for love. He would do anything for love, except use turkey meat. Don’t fuck with Vinny’s meatballs.
- We need to hear more about: That time he “surprised his boys in Mexico” when he was 16. Real talk: I thought the question was “What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done?” instead of “What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” At first I was like #respect.
- Draftability: 6/10
Wells | age: 31 | Radio DJ
- Choice line from his bio: Ok, his description of his perfect date IS kind of perfect. Admittedly, I stopped really reading after tacos (didn’t really need to hear more), but I think I saw something about wine and Otis Redding in there too. Call me, Wells.
- We need to hear more about: Why he doesn’t like pizza. Why are you hurting us like this, Wells?
- Draftability: 9/10
Will | age: 26 | Civil Engineer
- Choice line from his bio: He hates it when his date talks about heavy stuff too soon. Good thing he’s not the Bachelor, since that show is basically just a race to see who can exploit their personal hardships for feigned sympathy and camera time. Let’s never forget Olivia’s cankles.
- We need to hear more about: His dance moves. I want so badly to give him some points for Bernie-ing.
- Draftability: 8/10
