Last Week On The Bachelor, Episode 1

We’re juan two-hour episode into this journey, and already contestants are racing past “batshit,” and hovering near “unhinged Disney princess” on the crazy scale. Real things that happened thus far? Our South American Bachelor gave a very hesitant alto the first impression rose, Clare’s faux baby bump did NOT turn out to be a concealed soccer ball, and a dog roamed freely through the cocktail party. And that’s just the short story. Before we go any further on the helicopter ride to Happily Ever After As Long As We Can Still Be On TV, let’s review what we’ve learned from The Bachelor so far.

5 Things I Learned from The Bachelor, Episode 1

1) Pianos can be bikes. When Lauren S rode her piano-tricycle hybrid up to the Bachelor mansion, I kind of expected her to swallow a fiery knife or juggle a dozen roses next. Consider every guy’s three-wheeled circus fantasy majorly fulfilled.

2) Showing up as Cinderella is not the start to happily ever after. Bippity, boppity, oops.


3) Pretending to be preggo doesn’t automatically disqualify you. We’re not sure whether to give kudos to Juan Pablo for being the first guy ever to find a pregnancy joke funny or to remind him that fake pregnancy spells una chica loca EVERY TIME.

4) Personal space invasion is sexy. And apparently so is saying, “Does it make you nervous when I get close?” More like holy-age-difference uncomfortable, but yes, Lucy, it does.

5) Conversation is optional. Did Cassandra’s ability to converse go out the door with her NBA dancing gig? The only thing to cheer on during that awkward intro was the crickets.

15 hours until the picnics at altitude and ugly crying commence.

May your mascara be ever waterproof,


2 thoughts on “Last Week On The Bachelor, Episode 1

  1. Dan Boyle says:

    I definitely thought the baby bump was gonna be a soccer ball. Don’t count that nut job out just yet though. Remember last year the girl that showed up in a wedding dress made it to the final 2.

    • Bach Fantasy says:

      Oh my god you’re right. I guess in all fairness, Clare was just raising the crazy bar that Lindsay set.

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