Bach Fantasy

Episode 5 begins with a jubilant celebration about Chad’s departure, and the guys really turn it up for the producers with this one. They scatter his protein powder like ashes throughout the backwoods of Pittsburgh as Wells delivers a touching eulogy, at one point calling him “the worst person” they’d ever met.

Their joy is short-lived, though, because Chad is back to settle some beef (and probably eat some beef, amirite?). Daniel, the male blow-up doll they hired as Chad’s sidekick for the season, lets him back in the house and Chad tries to act like it’s not fucking nuts that he’s there.

Eventually, Jordan, who is trying to play it cool but has terror in his eyes, confronts Chad to insult him and then try to shake his hand? Idk, I got bored and stopped paying attention. I prefer Chad when he’s strutting around the house with a suitcase attached to his pants, chomping on a whole sweet potato. Like, can these guys just get the ruler and unzip their pants already? We’re over this. Anyway, after an ultimately anticlimactic final departure, Alex returns from the two-on-one date. The guys celebrate as if Alex had been the one to take out bin Laden and present him with a plate of cupcakes to smash his face into, which must be equivalent to a Purple Heart in the alternate universe that is The Bachelorette.

The mood quickly changes, however, once they remember that with or without Chad, they’re still ten guys who share the same girlfriend. Cue the hatin’.

With this, the guys all up the ante at the cocktail party — James F. reads JoJo a poem about how much he digs her and JoJo is all, “Aww, James. That’s your name right?” Chase ships in some inflatable orbs that they squeeze on top of their formalwear so they could run into each other. Jordan presses her up against a wall for a steamy makeout sesh. All in a day’s work.

In the end, we bid adieu to James F. and Daniel, who insists in his exit interview that he’d still be here if this show was based solely on looks. I think I’m actually going to miss Daniel.

JoJo wraps up the party by announcing that they’re headed to Uruguay. The guys are all pumped, though I think maybe half of them actually know where Uruguay is and the other half just know that it’s not rural Pennsylvania.

With a new location, comes a new enemy. Suddenly, Jordan is regarded as a shady motherfucker.

Vinny, speaking on camera for the first time this season, presents some pretty damning evidence: Jordan plays football AND THERE WAS A FOOTBALL DATE. Coincidence? Ha, we’re not stupid ABC. This shit’s rigged.

Adding fuel to the fire, Jordan gets the first one-on-one date in Uruguay. They swim with seals, which is not a thing I knew you could do. During “dinner,” JoJo confronts Jordan about rumors she heard from someone she likely met a Conference for Exceptionally Attractive Women (sponsored by Flat Tummy Tea™). Allegedly, Jordan was not a very good boyfriend in the past. Jordan shifts uncomfortably in his seat and weakly insists that that was then and this is now. “Was there cheating?” JoJo asks plainly. “No,” Jordan lies. She’s like, “Ok, cool, if you say so,” and they move on. I’ve said this in the past and I’ll say it again: the best way to identify an asshole is simply to ask the suspected asshole if he sucks. They’ll always own up to it.

Back at whatever hotel is sponsoring this trip, the guys are discussing an issue of In Touch magazine that just happened to end up in their room. Its cover story is about JoJo and her ex-boyfriend Chad, allegedly canoodling off camera during Ben’s season. This other Chad is clearly thirsty for reality show fame. Recall that he sent JoJo a handwritten letter begging for another chance, perfectly timed to arrive right before her hometown date with Ben. The producers confront JoJo with the magazine. She books it to the guys’ suite in tears to address the story. The guys all immediately denounce this Chad and all Chads and pledge their undying support to JoJo.

Next, JoJo takes the group date crew sandboarding, which is like snowboarding, but on a pile of sand. This is fun for about 15 seconds. Alex decides it’s much more fun to hate someone than to eat sand, so he begins a crusade against Derek. Honestly, it’s boring and annoying and I’m over Alex and his Napoleon complex.

Robby gets the last date of the episode, and he and JoJo stroll through Punta del Este, tasting some local food before finding themselves on a cliff that they decide to jump off. They undress down to their bathing suits, and Robby is wearing Lily Pulitzer for Chubbies (if that collaboration hasn’t happened yet, it’s only a matter of time). They jump and emerge from the water in love.

At dinner, Robby opens up to JoJo about losing his best friend and how it made him reevaluate his life and choices. He dumped his girlfriend and came on “The Bachelorette,” so it seems like he really learned something. He does tell JoJo that he’s fallen in love with her, which is obviously bonkers, but this is what we’re here for, people. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
We move right into the rose ceremony and say goodbye to Vinny (now who will keep all those pompadours in tip-top shape??), Grant, and Evan. Evan weeps about how he disappointed himself and his children and America and all the other boner doctors in the world. His genuine sadness and lack of self-awareness is both hilarious and sort of endearing.