We also lost a TON of good men this week (Anthony, Josiah, Kenny, Will, and Alex) — if your team is hurting, never fear. We’ve got the Mid-Season Draft coming up this week. Stay tuned for another post on that later this week.

Also: Bryan won the wildcard points for being the first person to predict that Lee was going to go home on the two-on-one date.

• Adam: 145 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
• Alex: 75 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
• Anthony: 0 points
• Bryan: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Wildcard: first guy (other than Kenny) to predict that Lee is going home on the two-on-one (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Dean: 100 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
• Eric: 125 points STAT CORRECTION 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Getting the rose on his one-on-one date (25 points)
• Josiah: 0 points
• Kenny: 180 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
• Lee: 20 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
• Matt: 95 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Peter: 115 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
• Will: 45 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)

Did you know we’re on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

The Bach needs more Ellen, less urban horseback riding, and more mud-wrestling (but only with the dudes).

We didn’t give Bryce points for talking shit about another contestant, by name — because he didn’t talk to the Bachelorette, he told Raven and Company. Oh my god, that’s the name of my new distressed jeans company.

Wildcard points were going to be 15 to the first guy to comfort Rachel about DeMario, but no one really did. So, two weeks with no wildcard points. We’ll try and get a good category next week.

ALSO LIFE UPDATE: both yo’ girls are now living in Denver. We’re trying to get back on the East Coast/Midwest live tweet stream…but in the meantime, we’ll be tweeting on mountain time.

• Adam: 70 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Alex: 100 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Anthony: 115 points – STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Blake E.: 15 points -STAT CORRECTION
  • Saying that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (15 points)
• Brady: 75 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Bryan: 65 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Bryce: 75 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Dean: 55 points – STAT CORRECTION
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• DeMario: 0 points
• Diggy: 45 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Eric: 105 points 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Fred: 50 points – STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Iggy: 60 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Jack Stone: 70 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Jamey: 0 points
• Jonathan: 55 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Josiah: 15 points
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Kenny: 80 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Lee: 90 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Lucas: 35 points 
  • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
• Matt: 40 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Peter: 40 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Will: 65 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)

Did you know we’re on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

I mean, sweet Moses! We need ample time to carefully research our picks, ABC. We comb through those bios. Check up on contestants’ social media accounts. This isn’t a rush-order job.

Me, researching my picks, this weekend:

We kick off Season 13 of “The Bachelorette” with extremely high hopes thanks to our intelligent, beautiful Bach, Rachel — the show’s first ever POC Bachelor or Bachelorette, which is insane. Are we very nervous that the show/its contestants will not handle the subject of race delicately? Oh, yeah, you bet.

We put out a call on Twitter for new suggested points categories and we got some great ones. In fact, we chose three of your suggestions, and we’ll file away some of the others for wildcard points to pepper in throughout the season.

If you’ve never played before, or if this is your SEVENTH season playing, read on for the details below. Welcome to the 75th Annual Hunger Games!

HOW OUR BACHELORETTE FANTASY LEAGUE WORKS

1) Gather your “Bachelorette”-loving friends and coworkers, and choose a League Commissioner. The Commissioner is responsible for tallying league members’ points each week and sharing the standings with the league.

2) Choose how your league is going to run your draft (read more on that below) and submit your contestant picks to your league commissioner.

3) Watch “The Bachelorette” every Monday night, beginning May 22 on ABC.

4) Visit this blog every Tuesday to see how each of your contestants scored. The league commissioner should add up the point totals for each team in order to figure out the weekly rankings. You can use our BachFantasy Scoring Template to keep track of your league members’ scores.

THE DRAFT

You have a few options when it comes to drafting your Bachelorette fantasy league team of five contestants. Click here to read more about how to draft your team.

POINTS CATEGORIES

When picking contestants, you’re the team owner. So, go with your gut. The Crazies earn a lot of points (and they’re the very lifeblood of the show’s existence), but you’ll be most rewarded for picking contestants who go the distance.

Points are divided into Phrases, Actions, and Roses. We post a wildcard points category on Twitter every Monday before the episode airs, so be sure to follow us there for the latest info.

There will also be a mid-season draft after Episode 5 in which you’ll be able to add one player to your team if it’s no longer intact. Don’t worry about that for now; there will be more deets later. Onto the points!

We’ve added three (count ’em, THREE) sparkling new points categories this year: Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points); Shoving another contestant (20 points); and Being hugged by the Bachelorette with the leg wraparound (10 points).

We also made an update to an old category. In the past, a contestant only received points for saying the phrase “not here for the right reasons” to the Bachelor/ette. This season, we did away with that last part. If a contestant utters those magical words at any point on-air, he gets points.

Phrases

• Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
• Mentioning his kid (5 points)
• Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
• Mentioning a previous fiancee or wife (10 points)
• Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
• Discussing his virginity (15 points)
• Saying that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (15 points) [UPDATED FOR 2017]
• Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (15 points)
• Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points) [NEW IN 2017]
• Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
• Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
• Being told “I love you” by theBachelorette (50 points)

Actions

• Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
• Bonus: using the phrase “steal [the Bachelorette] away” during said interruption (5 points)
• Dancing (5 points)
• Wearing a helmet (5 points)
• Singing or playing an instrument for the Bachelorette (5 points)
• Hot tubbing (5 points)
• Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
• Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Must be sitting on the ground
• Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
• Being hugged by the Bachelorette with legs wrapped around him (10 points) [NEW IN 2017]
• Attending a concert (10 points)
• Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
• Riding on a boat (10 points)
• Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
• Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
• Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Shoving another contestant (20 points) [NEW IN 2017]
• Interrupting a rose ceremony to ask to speak with the Bachelorette alone (20 points)
• Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
• Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Must actually see moisture fall; we’re sticklers on this
• Having a secret girlfriend at home (25 points)
• Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
  • Only for nudity; having your mouth blurred for profanity doesn’t count
• Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
• Drafting the next Bachelor on your team (40 points)
• Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Roses

• Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points, only available first night)
• Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
• Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
• Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
• Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Getting the rose on a group date (now worth 35 points)
• Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
• Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
• Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
• Refusing the Fantasy Suite when the Bachelorette is game (-75 points)
• Proposing or being proposed to (85 points)
• Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

Wildcard Points 

Each week, we’ll announce the wildcard category for the next episode on Twitter (so follow us there for up-to-date info). It will change each week, and is only awarded to one man per episode. For example, one wildcard category might be: the first man to break into song this week gets 25 points.

SCORING

We’ll score each episode for you and post each contestant’s scores every Tuesday. Be sure to check back every Tuesday to see how your teams are stacking up against one another within your own league. We’ll also be posting an episode recap for those of you just can’t get enough Bach.

Will you be joining us this season? Let us know your league or individual team name in the comments. We love your puns. 

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

BEST UNDERRATED MOMENT during the finale? When they cut to the live studio audience after she lets Robby go, and everyone is sitting shell-shocked like they’d just received extremely personal, deeply troubling news. We’d kill to be in that audience; you know yo gals would give the producers some MONEY reaction shots.

Thanks again for another great season! We won’t be scoring “Bachelor in Paradise” but we will be occasionally live-tweeting, so you can follow us there if you’re missing our snark. Rest up in the off-season — take that vacation, schedule that surgery you’ve been putting off. We’ll see you right back here for the next season of “The Bachelor” when you’re rested and ready.

• Jordan: 335 points
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (hat; note) (5 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelorette (50 points)
  • Proposing or being proposed to (85 points)
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)
• Robby: 110 points
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (flowers; photos; note) (5 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)

How did your team do going into Hometowns? We did the math for you.

• Alex: 60 points 
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another country (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
• Chase: 45 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• James Taylor: 40 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
• Jordan: 120 points 
  • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wildcard points (First to appear shirtless) (20 points)
• Luke: 55 points 
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Robby: 85 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Having a body party blurred on camera (30 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++

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Onto the points.

Robby snagged the wildcard points last name, 15 points for speaking a full sentence in Spanish (when he read the date card that said “Besame, besame, muchacho”).

• Alex: 50 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Chase: 95 points 
  • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on the two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Attending a concert (10 points)
• Derek: 90 points 
  • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
• James Taylor: 70 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Jordan: 70 points 
  • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Luke: 60 points (stat correction)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
• Robby: 65 points (stat correction)
  • Wildcard points (15 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Wells: 65 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Their joy is short-lived, though, because Chad is back to settle some beef (and probably eat some beef, amirite?). Daniel, the male blow-up doll they hired as Chad’s sidekick for the season, lets him back in the house and Chad tries to act like it’s not fucking nuts that he’s there.

Eventually, Jordan, who is trying to play it cool but has terror in his eyes, confronts Chad to insult him and then try to shake his hand? Idk, I got bored and stopped paying attention. I prefer Chad when he’s strutting around the house with a suitcase attached to his pants, chomping on a whole sweet potato. Like, can these guys just get the ruler and unzip their pants already? We’re over this. Anyway, after an ultimately anticlimactic final departure, Alex returns from the two-on-one date. The guys celebrate as if Alex had been the one to take out bin Laden and present him with a plate of cupcakes to smash his face into, which must be equivalent to a Purple Heart in the alternate universe that is The Bachelorette.

The mood quickly changes, however, once they remember that with or without Chad, they’re still ten guys who share the same girlfriend. Cue the hatin’.

With this, the guys all up the ante at the cocktail party — James F. reads JoJo a poem about how much he digs her and JoJo is all, “Aww, James. That’s your name right?” Chase ships in some inflatable orbs that they squeeze on top of their formalwear so they could run into each other. Jordan presses her up against a wall for a steamy makeout sesh. All in a day’s work.

In the end, we bid adieu to James F. and Daniel, who insists in his exit interview that he’d still be here if this show was based solely on looks. I think I’m actually going to miss Daniel.

JoJo wraps up the party by announcing that they’re headed to Uruguay. The guys are all pumped, though I think maybe half of them actually know where Uruguay is and the other half just know that it’s not rural Pennsylvania.

With a new location, comes a new enemy. Suddenly, Jordan is regarded as a shady motherfucker.

Vinny, speaking on camera for the first time this season, presents some pretty damning evidence: Jordan plays football AND THERE WAS A FOOTBALL DATE. Coincidence? Ha, we’re not stupid ABC. This shit’s rigged.

Adding fuel to the fire, Jordan gets the first one-on-one date in Uruguay. They swim with seals, which is not a thing I knew you could do. During “dinner,” JoJo confronts Jordan about rumors she heard from someone she likely met a Conference for Exceptionally Attractive Women (sponsored by Flat Tummy Tea). Allegedly, Jordan was not a very good boyfriend in the past. Jordan shifts uncomfortably in his seat and weakly insists that that was then and this is now. “Was there cheating?” JoJo asks plainly. “No,” Jordan lies. She’s like, “Ok, cool, if you say so,” and they move on. I’ve said this in the past and I’ll say it again: the best way to identify an asshole is simply to ask the suspected asshole if he sucks. They’ll always own up to it.

Back at whatever hotel is sponsoring this trip, the guys are discussing an issue of In Touch magazine that just happened to end up in their room. Its cover story is about JoJo and her ex-boyfriend Chad, allegedly canoodling off camera during Ben’s season. This other Chad is clearly thirsty for reality show fame. Recall that he sent JoJo a handwritten letter begging for another chance, perfectly timed to arrive right before her hometown date with Ben. The producers confront JoJo with the magazine. She books it to the guys’ suite in tears to address the story. The guys all immediately denounce this Chad and all Chads and pledge their undying support to JoJo.

Next, JoJo takes the group date crew sandboarding, which is like snowboarding, but on a pile of sand. This is fun for about 15 seconds. Alex decides it’s much more fun to hate someone than to eat sand, so he begins a crusade against Derek. Honestly, it’s boring and annoying and I’m over Alex and his Napoleon complex.

Robby gets the last date of the episode, and he and JoJo stroll through Punta del Este, tasting some local food before finding themselves on a cliff that they decide to jump off. They undress down to their bathing suits, and Robby is wearing Lily Pulitzer for Chubbies (if that collaboration hasn’t happened yet, it’s only a matter of time). They jump and emerge from the water in love.

At dinner, Robby opens up to JoJo about losing his best friend and how it made him reevaluate his life and choices. He dumped his girlfriend and came on “The Bachelorette,” so it seems like he really learned something. He does tell JoJo that he’s fallen in love with her, which is obviously bonkers, but this is what we’re here for, people. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
We move right into the rose ceremony and say goodbye to Vinny (now who will keep all those pompadours in tip-top shape??), Grant, and Evan. Evan weeps about how he disappointed himself and his children and America and all the other boner doctors in the world. His genuine sadness and lack of self-awareness is both hilarious and sort of endearing.

The mid-season draft will take place this week, if your league is choosing to participate! Stay tuned for a post on Wednesday (tomorrow) with details.

• Alex: 50 points 
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Chad: 0 points
• Chase: 70 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Daniel: 0 points
• Derek: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Saying “steal her away” during said interrupting (5 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
• Evan: 60 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
• Grant: 35 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
• James F.: o points
• James Taylor: 70 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Note: we did not award instrument points because he wasn’t playing the guitar for the Bachelorette herself or singing a song about her
• Jordan: 115 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Wildcard points (15 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Luke: 70 points
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Robby: 150 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling in love with you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Vinny: 35 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
• Wells: 60 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

+++++++++++++++++

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Chase and JoJo go on a one-on-one date at a yoga studio, in which the sole purpose is to embarrass them. Listen, betches, we do yoga regularly. That wasn’t yoga. Have you ever made out with someone in yoga? I have, but I’ve been asked not to return to that studio anymore. What do you think Chase was thinking about while they were yib-yabbing to avoid pitching a tent in his yoga shorts?

Chase is hot and seems nice enough, so he gets the rose. In about 20 minutes we’ll have moved on to bigger and better Chads, forgetting all about Chase.

The group date consists of each of the men telling a funny sex anecdote in front of a studio audience. Grant’s story about losing his virginity in a park and being busted by the cops was adorable. Wells pantomimed ripping ass in a major way, and I donno, I fell in love a little bit. Lots of men told stories about being walked in on mid-coitus. Coitus interruptus, if you will [high five gif]. Evan’s story about roid rage (and how Chad has it) was kinda lame and he was totally prodded by the producers to say it. Chad rips Evan’s shirt while he’s en route back to his seat, and then punches a door backstage, proving definitively that he is on steroids, so maybe Evan was just performing a public service.

Chad, fresh off his rage blackout, goes up onstage last and tries to make a speech — not about his sexual past, but rather his future. He goes in to kiss JoJo and she gives him the cheek. It’s an amazing burn.  

Back at the mansion, no one feels safe with Chad roaming the property, doing pull-ups on furniture and wolfing down meat — so the producers hire a Rent-a-Cop to do laps around the pool with a stern look on his face. Great. Instead of alleviating the Chad problem, I now have another man’s safety to fear for. Run while you can, Rent-a-Cop!

Finally, Evan decides Chad’s aggression is so serious that it’s time to tell Dad. So he stops Chris Harrison and does just that. Chris pulls Chad aside to confront him about his threats of violence and encourages him to use his words. Chad returns to the house to angrily not apologize, and Chris Harrison wipes sweat from his brow, having worked the most he will all season.

Episode 4 opens up with a pool party instead of a cocktail party. Evan thinks he’s competing in the X Games of synchronized swimming and manages to emerge from his swan dive with a bloody nose. I’m embarrassed.

The rose ceremony sees Ali, Christian, and Nick B. heading home. Guess JoJo heard Chad’s earlier warning about staying the eff away from nice guys.

Moody Luke gets the first one on one date. JoJo arranges for a posse of sled dogs to pull their Go-Kart through the woods to a clearing with a hot tub. Apparently this is a wood burning hot tub or some shit, so first they have to chop wood to make it hot. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Do I have to do everything?

They wrap things up by ignoring the meal in front of them and then shamelessly making out in front of Generic Country Band and their audience, claiming to the camera that they’re so into each other, they don’t even notice the crowd of screaming people taking photos of them.

On the football date, the crew heads to the Steelers stadium, where alleged rapist Ben Roethlisberger is tossing around the pigskin. JoJo asks him for dating advice, which is like asking Subway Jared to help you choose a babysitter. Between the chronic concussions and its wife-beating professional players, the NFL has a serious PR problem. So whose idea was it to call up Big Ben for a cameo on “The Bachelorette,” whose audience is primarily female? Roger Goodell, call us before you do literally anything else. Like don’t even order lunch without running it past us. The NFL is such a dumpster fire right now.

James Taylor cracks an eyebrow open and rebuffs the medic’s suggestion that he go get stitches — because if there’s anything more important than not having a facial scar for the rest of your life, it’s winning a game of five-on-five touch football on a reality show.

Alex and Chad get the two-on-one date, proving once again that there is a God and he/she wants us to be happy. When that duo choppered up the river en route to the date, all I could think of was this scene from Apocalypse Now. They go on a hike and each take the opportunity to bust out their provided hatchets and hack away at some innocent plantlife because #testosterone. Whose idea was it give Chad a hatchet, btw? I just did a full-body shudder thinking about the fact that Chad likely owns guns back at home.  

JoJo hikes off-camera with a gaggle of producers and begs them to allow her to give Chad a Viking funeral. Oh, sure, they say. Get rid of Chad, they say. They high-five and laugh maniacally behind JoJo’s back as she boots Chad into the river and leaps into Alex’s arms.

Cut to the next scene. We see Chad hiking through the forest at twilight, Blair Witch Project-style. He’s not going home. He’s whistling to himself and strolling somewhere, muttering about having to “get Alex.”

Finally, he reaches the Bachelor mansion where the dudes are celebrating Chad’s departure. PREMATURELY CELEBRATING, mind you. Our villain won’t go down without a fight. He places both hands on the glass window and slides them down. Several men in the house scream. I screamed.

I actually said aloud, “God, this is good TV.” I doff my cap to the Bachelorette producers.

Twenty-five wildcard points last night went to Evan, who was the first man to bleed. Although I’m making this face to the editors

for using some smoke and mirrors to make it seem like Chad was responsible for said bleeding. Instead, the cause was Intense Synchronized Swimming.

Onto the points! Some men scored double rose points this week, which we allowed — however, we did not count any other category twice, per our usual rule of once per episode (so Robby and Jordan only got kissing points once).

ALSO WE NEED YOUR EYEBALLS: there was a shot of some of the men with their tootsies in the hot tub in the first five minutes of the episode during the pool party. I don’t have DVR — and my co-founder was at the Beyonce concert so we didn’t catch it! If you know exactly who was in the hot tub at that moment, comment and we’ll update the points accordingly. Thanks!

• Alex: 120 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
• Ali: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
• Chad: 75 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
• Chase: 25 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
• Christian: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
• Daniel: 50 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
• Derek: 75 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
• Evan: 70 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Wildcard points: first man to bleed (25 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
• Grant: 45 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
• James F.: 50 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
  • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
• James Taylor: 65 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date for Episode 3 (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Needing medical attention (20 points)
  • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Jordan: 130 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
• Luke: 130 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
  • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for her to the camera” (20 points)
• Nick B: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
• Robby: 95 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
• Vinny: 60 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
• Wells: 45 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!